Terrorizer shill for "The Secret History of Death Metal"

What is your favorite once-good European metal magazine named after an overrated grindcore band?? If you answered Metal Hammer, that was my first thought as well, but our good friends at Terrorizer also publish a magazine that used to be good. In a desperate attempt to survive in te dying print publishing business, they are releasing a "Secret History of Death Metal" special issue or something like that. For some reason, we wanted to know more, so we hit up deputy editor James Hoare (lol, what a last name). Thanks to James, and be sure to head over to Terrorizer's site and pick one of these things up!

In the interest of full disclosure, I should note that Terrorizer currently owns 50% of Metal Inquisition (the other 50% is held by a variety of business entities including Century Media and Red Flag Media).

It is my understanding that you are trying to drum up interest/pre-orders for Terrorizer's new "Secret History of Death Metal" special issue or something. Please give us more information on your product and/or service.
“This really is shameless and if it’s any consolation, I feel like a whore. Terrorizer’s Secret History Of… Death Metal is an absolute beast of a one-off, prestige issue that as far as humanly possible makes the best stab at documenting the story of death metal, across the world and across the various subgenres. I’ve got me some mad loves for Albert Mudrian’s ‘Choosing Death’ [check out our interview with him here] and Daniel Ekeroth’s ‘Swedish Death Metal’, and it’s a testament to this bad boy’s journalistic prowess that when I read some of the features on more over-covered topics (Florida, Sweden etc), I wasn’t bored in the slightest. Get this down you, it’s not boring.


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I tried so, so hard to come up with a better example of "highly average death metal" but I just couldn't

What *is* the secret history of death metal?? In your answer, please explain how the following bands fit in: Jungle Rot, Benediction, Mortification, Malevolent Creation, and Vengeance Rising.
The theme here is charmingly mediocre death metal, of which I have a strange, yet completely arbitrary, tolerance of. For example, I’d take a bullet for Benediction and I talk about Jungle Rot a surprisingly amount, but I think Mortification are a sad and joyless Geocities homepage of a band. You’ll be delighted to learn that a surprising volume of dull and derivative c-list bands are involved, because their perspective on the genre and its story is usually a lot more interesting than Morbid Angel’s – there’s a whole section on the Netherlands and if that doesn’t scream mediocrity (one half-way interesting Pestilence album aside) than nothing does.

The secret history of death metal probably, definitely involves Nazi U-Boats hollowing out the Earth’s core to win the trust of the lizard people.


I have not seen this issue, but I assume there is a chapter on wigger slam. What are the contents of this chapter? What is your personal opinion on slam metal?
The UK tends to be a lot more homogenised in its trends, it’s a small country and since we stopped fighting wars to preserve our ancient right to drink tea on a pile of a far away nation’s indigenous dead, dumb kids can be relied upon to largely guzzle from the same fetid trough of bullshit. The wigger slam you’re talking about travels about as well as Christian metalcore does, so mostly the proud saplings that will one day become English oak are all rubbing one out to shriek-shriek windmilling deathcore (which was big in the States about five years ago), swaggering rocky hardcore (which was big in the States about five years ago) or Hollywood Undead (which was big in the States about five minutes ago).

The super elitist and incestuous underground UKDM scene, however, fucking love their slamz and every other band is worshipping at the jism-flecked alter of Devourment – which is ironic, given as derivatively ripping off American bands is one of the reasons why they think deathcore sucks. In conclusion, slamz are br00tz and make me shake my b00ty.

"I’d take a bullet for Benediction and I talk about Jungle Rot a surprising amount, but I think Mortification are a sad and joyless Geocities homepage of a band"

Check out Ingested, they're possibly the closest thing we have to proper US-style New Era cap wigger slam and ran the whole gauntlet from being a sportswear clad underground anomaly to being liked by scene kids and therefore hated by the people who liked them five minutes ago because they deigned to be successful. That's a little microcosm of scene politics right there.


Terrorizer has featured a nearly endless stream of washed up/horrible/generic black metal bands on the cover lately (much to my dismay, since I am forced to write about them). Why the sudden interest in death metal? Black metal or death metal: which is better and why?
Turgid middle-of-the-road black metal always has a slight edge over turgid middle-of-the-road death metal in that turgid middle-of-the-road black metal bands can usually be relied upon to look interesting and if good death metal bands still think standing in front of a chain-link fence in sweats is totally rad, what hope is there for the turgid middle-of-the-road ones? Satyricon especially, their current Armani model look is super krieg. The bottom line is the cover’s got to look good, otherwise nobody will buy it and read your venomous, mean-spirited column.


One of the best parts of death metal history is all the compilations like At Death's Door, Corporate Death, Grindcrusher, and Death Is Just The Beginning (see Retroview: Classic 90s generic death metal compilations for more). Which is your favorite and least favorite of these? What in God's fucking name were Relapse thinking when they greenlighted the Convulse album?? (Please choose a non-committal, boring answer to avoid offending any advertisers)
Oh wow, these things are all equal in my eyes – terrible ‘Warhammer’ supplement cover art, three good bands and eight tracks of Central European filler, or in shorthand, Morgoth. That was a simpler age wasn’t it? I think the ‘Death… Is Just The Beginning’ series were the best, because at that point Nuclear Blast had enough of a roster to do these things entirely in house and unlike Earache and Roadrunner who at least made an effort to single out the bands they thought were interesting, Nuclear Blast dropped a stick dynamite into the lake and signed whatever floated to the surface. As a result 'Death... Is Just The Beginning' is a perfect storm of bands you'd never hear from again (Napalm Death side-project Defecation, Paul Speckmann's thrash outfit Abomination, Toxic Shock), bands who went on to be a whole new kind of awful (disco-disco-techno-disco Atrocity and Hypocrisy) and bands who just continued along the same path for the next fifteen or twenty years (Dismember, Benediction, Sinister, Master, Macabre etc).

Relapse had Amorphis too didn’t they? Someone over there clearly got Moomin fever in the early ‘90s. That non-committal and boring enough for you? I was actually listening to this album a few nights ago and I genuinely cannot think of anything to say about it other than the intro sounds like 'Duke Nukem' incidental music.

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I thought Morgoth were pretty good back in the day... but then again, I also liked Bif Naked :(

Another part of death metal history I miss is PIT Magazine, which I read religiously along with Terrorizer (back when Terrorizer was still good). PIT was sweet because it looked like they made it with Microsoft Publisher and I think it was the first time I heard about bands like Dismembered Fetus, Dying Fetus, Cephalic Carnage (back when they were still good), and Internal Bleeding. On the other hand, they also wrote about Jungle Rot far too often. Do you remember PIT? What other magazines did you like back in the day?
I was reading Metal Maniacs long before I was reading Terrorizer, there was a newsagents by the train station in the shitty town where I went to university and they always had a few import titles – so I always picked up Metal Maniacs (for the billion pages of size 3 type), Alternative Press (to see what homegrown cat Aids had made its way to the US and was being rebranded as the New Wave Of XYZ) and Hardcore Ink (because at this point in my life I lived for Undying, this point in my life was very, very boring). I compulsively read everything.

James enjoys novelty headwear and decades-old thrash bands who are adored for no apparent reason

You also ran a two-part "History of Metalcore" feature recently. I was thrilled to see you mention Above All and Unborn, two of my favorite 90s UK metalcore bands. From what I can tell you are more of a d-beat/grindcore kind of guy, so what is your take on metalcore? Which member of Winds of Plague would you choose to have anal with and do you think (s)he would enjoy it??
I stayed out of that whole thing because it was still a little bit too close for me, I only broke edge and eBayed my Eighteen Visions t-shirt four years ago. I even liked Eighteen Visions more then they became Stone Temple Hatebreed and the world's definitely a sadder place without them. I've sort of returned to hardcore recently through d-beat and I'm utterly surprised to discover that I still have a lot of time for some good, solid chug, which is nice because people who lose touch with their musical indescretions turn into exactly the same sort of people who beat their chests and carp on about 'deathcore faggotry'.

"I was actually listening to the Convulse album a few nights ago and I genuinely cannot think of anything to say about it other than the intro sounds like 'Duke Nukem' incidental music."

I saw Winds Of Plague supporting Shai Hulud the first time they were over in the UK, and then I had the misfortune to see them again, as well as Born Of Osiris, on the Summer Slaughter tour last year. I can really see no redeeming feature to this band, except for the fact that I'm not listening to them right now – they can have a flapjack for that. Symphonic deathcore has a high enough percentage of absolute wackness without them having their own Bleeding Through.”

Finally, the other day I was trying to think of metal songs about farting but couldn't come up with any. Can you think of one??
Decapitated 'Human's Dust'

Buy "The Secret History of Death Metal"
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The games we play

Last week's post about the highly influential Nocturnus album The Key, prompted a good bit of discussion about video games by our readers. Having never really played video games in my life, I chose to look at a different kind of game. You see, at a recent Metal Inquisition retreat, the topic of different metal-related games came up. I'm not talking about sports either (we discussed that in an earlier post here), I'm talking about fun games...simple activities that help pass the time. In this post, I will let you into the Metal Inquisition inner circle, and share with you just some of the activities that M.I. staffers partake in to pass the time.

The Mix Tape Game

Origin
This game was first developed by Mr. Gene Hoglan's Balls and my brother SkullKrusher, while driving to one of the Metal Inquisition retreats.

How is it played?
Go through a box of your old stuff, perhaps the glove compartment in your car, or inside your old walkman. You should be able to find an old mix tape that you made for yourself, or that a fellow metal fan made for you. Throw out any information you may have about the tape's contents. On a long drive, listen to the tape (this requires that your car have a tape player...sorry, it's the one tough thing about the game) and try to figure out the bands that are on the tape. When this game was first played, the tape was titled "Absolute Insanity", and was made by Mr Gene Hoglan's Balls for himself during his high school years. The tape featured mostly Nuclear Blast bands, and both staffers competing had trouble naming any of the bands on the tape. Try it for yourself!

Band Name Game

Origin
Mr. SkullKrusher and I were in a band for the better part of the 90's. As bad as playing horrible shows was, driving six hours to play those shows was even worse. This was back in the era before cell phones, laptops or most other forms of entertainment that many of us use to pass the time during travel these days. As a result of our boredom we began to play the Band Name Game, in order to help pass the time.

How is it played?
This is a simple game. Go down the alphabet, and name a band that starts with each letter. You can play it so that everyone has to name a band with the letter A, and then B in the next round. You can also start with the letter A, and the next person has to name one with B. This second approach works way better. This game is best saved for long drives, especially if you are surrounded by metal heavy weights that know tons and tons of bands.
A tip of the hat to the all-time champion at this game, who is sadly no longer with us. Mr. Cook, wherever you are...you always beat our asses at this game. Cheers.

Rules
As someone who played this game for way too many hours, let me tell you a few things that you must keep in mind. Set some ground rules before you begin playing to avoid arguments.

1.
If you are playing with all metal bands, set the standard for what "metal" means. Do NWOBHM bands count? Will you count bands like Black Sabbath? Will you only count bands that are heavier than Slayer? Does D.R.I. count as metal? Decide these things first to set some perimeters.

2.
Remember that at least one other person must be able to verify the existence of a band for it to count. None of that "oh, they put out a demo in '92...I think they're from Turkey. It's not my fault you guys are posers and don't know about them" nonsense.

3. Band names that have been used multiple times only count once. For example, yes there are multiple bands named Poison, Slaughter etc. Adding their country of origin doesn't make them count twice. Don't be a wiseguy. Yes, there were two bands called Nausea. It only counts once..and the New York one would only count if you were playing the game using the names of boring crusty punk bands anyway.

4. A band with a name preceded by "The" cannot be used for the letter T. Duh.

5. Decide if band names that are made up of numbers, or start with numbers will count as the letter the first number it starts with. This will avoid huge fights down the line.


Tips
The letter Q is a bitch. As someone who has played this game for way too many hours, I can tell you that Q is where everyone looses. Stock up on bands that start with Q. Also, if you own that book with the names of metal bands, you are an idiot anyway...so you shouldn't play anyway.







The Logo Game

Origin
My brother and I have been playing this logo off and on for many years. It's sometimes fun to rope in people with minimal artistic talent, so feel free to play with family and friends. This game can be played in restaurants while you wait for your food, or during meetings at work, if you are lucky enough to work with a fellow metal fan.

How is it played?
Come up with a stupid word or a combination of words, something like "custard", or "elastic band", or maybe "chicken soup", now design a sick metal logo for it. Note that almost everyone begins to default to a Napalm Death scrawl style, or a black metal upsidedown cross style. Either is fine. Determine a winner after each round.

Tips
Keep your logos. Imagine going over these ridiculous logos ten years from now with your friend. Also, write the word that the logo is for at the top, since most of these will be unreadable anyway.





The Grindcrusher Game

Origin
Mr Gene Hoglan's Balls and I were picking up ex-poster Awakening at the airport. GHB said we needed like an hour to get the airport, and he was wrong. Way wrong. We got there with about 50 minutes to spare. Not wanting to pay for parking, we chose to drive in circles around the airport at high speeds instead. With nothing to listen to but a tape of the Grindcrusher comp, the game was born.

How is it played?
Easy. Play the Grindcrusher comp when surrounded by your aging metal friends, and try to name the bands as they come on. Yes, Morbid Angel, Nocturnus and the like are easy...but some are actually pretty damn hard to name. Try it! Call me a poser, but I had a tough time spotting the Mighty Force song. Mr. GHB also claims I had trouble with the Terrorizer song...but that's simply not true. I was being careful, and taking my time before yelling out the band name. Damn.




The Shirt Game

Origin
Not sure exactly where this one came from originally, as it has been played casually around the M.I. offices for some time. It was first played formally (if only briefly) only weeks ago at one of our retreats, as a team-building exercise.

How is it played?
Pick a classic metal recording, something amazing, something that has real historical significance...something by M.O.D. let's say. Without looking at the album, try to remember the shirts that all band members are wearing. If the album features multiple band shots, first establish which picture/s you are going to play for.

Tips
Some good albums to play with are Terrorizer's "World Downfall", Napalm Death's "Mentally Murdered" (double points to the person that can say what two members are wearing the same shirt...what a metal fashion faux pas!)





Lesser games that are still worth mentioning:

Terrorizer thanks list game, where players have to compete to see who can remember the most people and bands thanked in the Terrorizer thanks list. A word of advice: if you ever play this with any of us...we won't be impressed by the fact that you know that NWA and ENT are in there. It takes a good bit more to impress us.

Thanks/No Thanks game, this is one that only some people can get into. If you are the kind who likes to put a bet down on the Superbowl's coin toss, or the over/under on an NCAA game...this one's for you. Try to remember if a certain classic thrash album has a "no thanks" list as well as the usual "thanks" list. Tip: Nuclear Assault were fond of "no thanks" lists. Tip #2: almost all "no thanks" lists included posers and Tipper Gore.

Morrisound Studios game, name recordings made at the famed Tampa studio, one at a time as you go around the room. First one who can't come up with one looses. Everyone else wins. This can also be played by naming recordings produced by Scott Burns or Alex Perialis. Easily transformed into a drinking game, if you are 15 years old that is.

Metallica's Black Album game, play the entire album from beginning to end...and try not to laugh once. This one is extremely hard to play.

Do our readers have similar games that they've played? If not, are we insane losers for thinking these up? Perhaps, perhaps.

Sacred Cow Barbecue: Some crappy dinosaur metal and other junk

I stole the title of this post from some video game magazine I was reading at Barnes & Noble the other day, I don't remember which one. In any case, if there is anything more fun than making internet metal nerds angry by pointing out how awful their favorite bands are without the aid of nostalgia-tinged, rose colored glasses, I can't think of it.

They looked cooler when they still dressed like this

Morbid Angel
Pete Sandoval may have invented "dee blass beat," but the rest of the band arguably invented generic Florida death metal. To be fair, they do have a few good songs ("Chapel of Ghouls," "Rapture," "God of Emptiness"), but everything else is the most boring, awful shit I have ever heard. I mean this band makes Deaden, Jungle Rot and Waco Jesus seem like brilliant virtuosos! To make matters worse, there are many bands that play Morbid Angel better than Morbid Angel themselves, for example Angelcorpse.

PS I have a Morbid Angel tattoo, lolz @ me.

If you guessed that this was a shot of Carcass playing a squat in Northern England, you're wrong. It's a picture of the bassist for Big Drill Car. But you see, it just as easily could have been Carcass, and that's the problem.

Carcass
Like Terrorizer, this band is worshipped by nerds everywhere. Everyone likes to establish their metal cred with that old saw, "I only like their early stuff!" and say that "Swansong" sucks. However, it is expressly forbidden to point out that even their early albums are basically just limp hard rock, watered down with the melodic parts that would become the entire basis of their style. The truth is that people who like Carcass are pussies that want to pretend they're listening to brutal grindcore but in reality are jamming what amounts to soft rock with a pitch shifter. For example, listen to "Tools of the Trade," which many nerds think is the best Carcass album. It's so full of melody and slow parts that it might as well be fucking Big Drill Car or something (Big Drill Car were way better, though). No slam riffs, dreadlocks, and pink guitars? Sounds pretty false metal to me.

Typical Japanese grindcore fan

Japanese grindcore and hardcore
If you like this destestable genre, chances are good that you wear rapist glasses, still buy vinyl, and beat off to anime snuff porn. And post on the Relapse board. People who are into this stuff also seem to be into all kinds of other creepy/dorky shit like Italian horror movies, Japanese gore movies, pro wrestling, and noise. Oh, and having Asian girlfriends/wives (Japanese is ideal, but they'll settle for any Southeast Asian broad they can lure into their web of creepiness). In general, they just won't shut up about the weird shit they're into and have no ability to detect your complete lack of interest. These losers are truly the bottom of the barrel in the already pathetic world of metal fandom.

You can blame ATG for the existence of this thing

At The Gates
The 90s were full of awful metal bands that played "melodic death metal" like this terrible band, and this decade has been full of even more awful hardcore bands that rip those bands off by playing boring tremolo riffs and screaming in their girl jeans. Also lots of them are Christian, which makes the whole phenomenon that much worse. ATG and the rest of this wretched genre is a botched attempt at combining two things that just don't belong together: melody and death metal.

Even Mr. Cool Ice laughs at Assuck fans like this guy

Assuck
I am pretty sure I've discussed how lame this band is before, but I can really never get enough of it. Assuck was very popular in the 90s with poser hardcore kids that had never heard blast beats and death metal vocals before. Much like when you were in junior high and would sell your soul to have any female human being touch your penis, regardless of how hideously ugly she might be, Assuck fans become giddy at the sound of Rob Procter's weak, gay blast beats because they just don't know any better. You can only imagine how floored they would be by, say, Benediction! And don't even get me started on the rest of this awful genre like Destroy, Resist, His Hero Is Gone, or really third-rate, bottom of the barrel bands like Reversal of Man. Most of the assholes that listened to Assuck in the 90s went on to be in indie rock bands and get Morrissey tattoos.