Sacred Cow Barbecue: Some crappy dinosaur metal and other junk

I stole the title of this post from some video game magazine I was reading at Barnes & Noble the other day, I don't remember which one. In any case, if there is anything more fun than making internet metal nerds angry by pointing out how awful their favorite bands are without the aid of nostalgia-tinged, rose colored glasses, I can't think of it.

They looked cooler when they still dressed like this

Morbid Angel
Pete Sandoval may have invented "dee blass beat," but the rest of the band arguably invented generic Florida death metal. To be fair, they do have a few good songs ("Chapel of Ghouls," "Rapture," "God of Emptiness"), but everything else is the most boring, awful shit I have ever heard. I mean this band makes Deaden, Jungle Rot and Waco Jesus seem like brilliant virtuosos! To make matters worse, there are many bands that play Morbid Angel better than Morbid Angel themselves, for example Angelcorpse.

PS I have a Morbid Angel tattoo, lolz @ me.

If you guessed that this was a shot of Carcass playing a squat in Northern England, you're wrong. It's a picture of the bassist for Big Drill Car. But you see, it just as easily could have been Carcass, and that's the problem.

Carcass
Like Terrorizer, this band is worshipped by nerds everywhere. Everyone likes to establish their metal cred with that old saw, "I only like their early stuff!" and say that "Swansong" sucks. However, it is expressly forbidden to point out that even their early albums are basically just limp hard rock, watered down with the melodic parts that would become the entire basis of their style. The truth is that people who like Carcass are pussies that want to pretend they're listening to brutal grindcore but in reality are jamming what amounts to soft rock with a pitch shifter. For example, listen to "Tools of the Trade," which many nerds think is the best Carcass album. It's so full of melody and slow parts that it might as well be fucking Big Drill Car or something (Big Drill Car were way better, though). No slam riffs, dreadlocks, and pink guitars? Sounds pretty false metal to me.

Typical Japanese grindcore fan

Japanese grindcore and hardcore
If you like this destestable genre, chances are good that you wear rapist glasses, still buy vinyl, and beat off to anime snuff porn. And post on the Relapse board. People who are into this stuff also seem to be into all kinds of other creepy/dorky shit like Italian horror movies, Japanese gore movies, pro wrestling, and noise. Oh, and having Asian girlfriends/wives (Japanese is ideal, but they'll settle for any Southeast Asian broad they can lure into their web of creepiness). In general, they just won't shut up about the weird shit they're into and have no ability to detect your complete lack of interest. These losers are truly the bottom of the barrel in the already pathetic world of metal fandom.

You can blame ATG for the existence of this thing

At The Gates
The 90s were full of awful metal bands that played "melodic death metal" like this terrible band, and this decade has been full of even more awful hardcore bands that rip those bands off by playing boring tremolo riffs and screaming in their girl jeans. Also lots of them are Christian, which makes the whole phenomenon that much worse. ATG and the rest of this wretched genre is a botched attempt at combining two things that just don't belong together: melody and death metal.

Even Mr. Cool Ice laughs at Assuck fans like this guy

Assuck
I am pretty sure I've discussed how lame this band is before, but I can really never get enough of it. Assuck was very popular in the 90s with poser hardcore kids that had never heard blast beats and death metal vocals before. Much like when you were in junior high and would sell your soul to have any female human being touch your penis, regardless of how hideously ugly she might be, Assuck fans become giddy at the sound of Rob Procter's weak, gay blast beats because they just don't know any better. You can only imagine how floored they would be by, say, Benediction! And don't even get me started on the rest of this awful genre like Destroy, Resist, His Hero Is Gone, or really third-rate, bottom of the barrel bands like Reversal of Man. Most of the assholes that listened to Assuck in the 90s went on to be in indie rock bands and get Morrissey tattoos.

Retroview: Terrorizer - World Downfall

When I was 14 years old, I thought Lawnmower Deth was a fantastic band. I also liked this album a lot. But like "Satan's Trampoline," in retrospect, "World Downfall" is awful. I know it is heresy among the world of internet metal nerds to say that Terrorizer sucks, but it is the truth.

Grindcore is mostly a terrible genre full of boring, generic riffs and talentless morons that can't write songs. Therefore, it makes a lot of sense that grindcore "musicians" worship this album, because it is very, very boring and they are retards.

Some grindcore is tolerable because the songs are short, so if it sucks, it's OK because the song will be over in 30 seconds anyway. Not so with Terrorizer! They're happy to repeat the same couple riffs again and again, for nearly 4 minutes in some cases. The arrangements are so basic and dull that even Discharge would be ashamed of themselves if they were responsible for them. Likewise, Terrorizer's child-like lyrics make Discharge's simplistic, subhumanly-stupid chants sound like Shakespeare. "Why?" is like Finnegan's Wake compared to "Corporation Pull In."

And as far as production goes, I don't know who thought Scott Burns would be a good grindcore producer, but they were wrong. All you can hear is the fucking hi-hat going SSHSSHSSHSSH and Oscar Garcia's wretched barking.

But "World Downfall" is not without its merits. Aside from the cover, which is quite good, the best part is the thanks list in which they thank "N.W.A." and "E.Z.E." I am disappointed that although this album has been out for 20 years and they have been interviewed countless times, nobody has ever asked them about this!

Pete is seconds away from the emergency room, attn alcohol poisoning dept. She takes off her shirt in a second, too.

For bonus laffs, don't forget to watch the infamous Topless Radio interview with Morbid Angel (NSFW). In this interview, Pete Sandoval is on the verge of falling into an alcoholic coma and has the physique of a concentration camp survivor. He manages to ramble on and on about how he invented "dee blass beat" in 1986, though, and it's pretty entertaining. I tried to put it on Youtube but the fucking fascists wouldn't let me because of the bewbs. Where is Mike Muir to fight against censorship when you need him?!

In any case, this album is generic, boring grindcore that is to blame for legions of crappy imitators that have clogged my ears for nearly two decades. It's even worse than Carcass, who were also awful. Listen to Unseen Terror instead. If you are getting angry right now, you should probably consider suicide, or at least self-castration.