They're still around?

It's true. We're all getting older. Sadly, and I just found this out yesterday thanks to the Discovery Channel, we're all getting older at the exact same rate. That still shouldn't prevent us from mocking those who are further along in the process. For example, consider this picture (below) of the band Laaz Rockit. Mary mother of jesus and baby jesus, they're ancient. Oh, and nice...uh...see through shirt champ. Who knew that such a severe case of Tommy Victor Disease could exist?


Right now you're probably asking yourself..."hey, what do they look like on stage these days?" Well, perhaps this picture will answer that question. They basically look like a local Cult cover band, with a little Springsteen thrown in for good measure. Check it out.



Jesus christ, this guy makes Lou Reed look healthy and youthful.



If you're insane, or you have a severe deathwish, you can check out their site here. If like me, you are a sane human being and would rather remember things the way they were (by that I mean when they sucked, were a fourth rate band but at least looked pretty dope aside from the mesh shirt) then watch the video below. Why is this video so great (aside from the mesh shirt and the 'fro?) Because it's like having your uncle tell you made up stories about a war he was never at. Listen and learn kids.

Interview with Robert Sweet from Stryper

Charlie from Anthrax would have totally rocked this kit during the State of Euphoria years. Where are those cymbals hanging from? Heaven?

Stryper, the band, the myth...the christian bumble bees. For the better part of the 80s, Stryper successfully co-opted metal and reapropriated it into a parent-safe, christian racket...smart move. A few years back, I had the opportunity to speak with Robert Sweet, Stryper's drummer, after a show. He was playing with a band from the midwest called Planet Scream, during some time off from Stryper. This interview was originally done for a previous endeavor in metal journalism that went nowhere. For that reason, I'm posting it here in Metal Inquisition for all to enjoy.

First allow me to set the scene. I should tell you that I drove a short while to make this interview happen, which in retrospect is a bit embarrassing. I arrived, and parked my car in the muddy parking lot of a bar in a hellish little town. In attendance were roughly 100 people, pretty much all of them there to see Mr. Sweet, not the band he was playing for. I guess the same was true for me. Even the flier for the show had his name printed larger than anything else on it, including the band's name. Now that I'm reading this interview for the first time in years, I can think of a million questions I could and should have asked him. Leading up to the interview, some of my friends came up with questions I should ask him. Most of the questions, as you can imagine, were pretty provocative or downright nasty...and thus insanely funny. But I chickened out in the last minute. I remember looking down at my little notebook, and seeing these awful questions. I couldn't do it. It would have been tough to get any such questions answered, since Robert had a large band manager hanging behind him who would have surely put me in my place. Some questions would have been enough to make the large man pound me into the ground. Getting your face re–arranged is embarrassing enough, having it done by Stryper or a Stryper staffer can be downright demeaning. Can you imagine you show up to work with a busted nose, and you have to tell people that you basically got your ass beat by Stryper? Not cool. So, I opted for subtle sarcasm instead, which I hope some of you enjoy. In some questions I'm trying to be funny without him noticing (like the questiong about the pole and the vaseline.)

I recently went back and heard the tape of this interview, and I was surprised to hear evidence of slight fear and hesitation in my voice, especially when asking him some of the more embarrassing questions. Hope it was worth it. Enjoy the interview.

Ooofah! I guess the mismatching hair and goatee are part of the yellow and black color scheme?

I’ve heard great stories about you on tour, one being that your 60 inch gong fell on your head while you were playing, knocking you down on the floor. But the story I really love about you is one that has to do with a long pole, some Vaseline and the guys from Great White. Is that stuff true?
Well, that makes it sound bad. I can explain.

Well, yes. Please do. Explain away, because it sounds nuts.
It was White Lion, not Great White.


But still, would that make it any different? The things involved in the story alone are a bit out there.
Well, so White Lion opened for us on the “In God We Trust” tour. What they did, is they put Vaseline on the pole that I used to climb up to my drum set. It wasn't a random pole. Anyway, I slipped and almost busted my kneecaps because of the vaseline. It was terrible.

Ahh, I see. That's less fun than what I imagined.
Well, come on. See, there’s tons of stories, here’s one that's real also. We were playing Radio City in New York in the “In God We Trust” tour, we had all this pyro and someone had mistakenly pushed all this pyro underneath my drum riser which was made of grating that my seat was bolted to. When the bomb went off it came up through the riser and hit me right in the face. It was a powerful, black powder concussion. I was black; I couldn’t see or breathe. It was the end of “Soldiers Under Command”, the guys were strumming away, and I had to run off the stage, run to the end of the stage where there was fresh air to breathe take in a big gulp run back up the riser while the guys are still strumming and finish the song holding my breath. I was completely black, my hair was black, and my face was black. I was no longer black and yellow stripes; I was just completely black. There’s tons of those stories, I should be dead.

One of Robert's early sketches for Stryper's on-stage outfits.

Oh man, that sounds terrible. Not the explosion, but the part about getting your hair all messed up! You guys were very put together as a band.
Well, it was bad. By the way bro, I hope our set was okay tonight. I couldn’t hear what was going on up there.

Oh, it was fantastic. True Heavy Metal! [Total lie on my part. I didn't hear a note they played. I showed up late and missed the show]
Was it?

It was!
Thank you.

So, what was the first album you owned as a kid? Was it christian music?
It was definitely Grand Funk Railroad actually, around 1970. I was 10 years old and I wore that record out. Then I bought the Kiss “Alive” record. After that, the next big influence was Van Halen. I didn’t want to copy, and wanted to be myself. I started to turn my drums sideways I was trying to have a different set up. Most people would ask me I was a lead singer when they met me, so I thought “This is what I want, this is good.” I didn’t like the image of drummers, most of the time the drummer was hidden behind the drum set wearing a pair of shorts, you didn’t even notice him. If the band had put a drum machine there it wouldn’t have mattered. So I said to myself that I wanted to change that. I wanted people to see what drummers really do, and see how hard they work, to see how hard they try and how painful it all is.

Oh it's painful, especially if the band you're touring with puts Vaseline on your pole!
Yeah, that was a tough day. I love those guys though.



During the 80’s, Stryper was an extremely popular band. There was even a comic book made about your life named “Soldier of God”. Was it hard for you to stick to your principles as a Christian having all these temptations around you like drugs, alcohol, groupies and unecesseraly large drum sets­?
No, in my opinion women are beautiful, they’re a gift from God. For me a “wife” is simply “life” with a “W”.

Hmm. Well, yes. If you replace the "L" in "life", it spells "wife". That's true.
Right. To me, Christianity is a focus on Christ; it’s not necessarily a list of wrongs or rights, even though there is wrong or right. If you think too much of do’s and dont’s you get your eyes of the main focus. So, was it hard? No, the bigger the band became the easier it got. It’s what I wanted to do, if I weren’t a Christian I would have still played rock and roll music. You know, it was like taking two hammers and hitting some tin five thousand times an hour while having fun. The bigger the band became, the greater the opportunity became to voice our message of Jesus.

Where did the yellow and black striped scheme you used in all your records, the logo and your outfits come from? Were you guys into bumble bees or something?
Ha, ha. No. I came up with that, I just thought it was a great look and you couldn’t miss it. If you couldn’t remember the name of our band you would remember that we were the guys in yellow and black stripes. I thought it was pretty rock and roll lookin’. It was flash, it was in your face and I loved it. I still love it.

The bands color scheme changed at some point to blue and black. Big change. Why?
That was a major, major mistake. I wish it would have never happened. I love that record “Against The Law”, but the image that went along with it was a mistake. If I could go back in a time machine, Stryper’s image would not have changed, because I think it was an awesome image. Even though the image changed back then, the vibe was always really the same.

Are you familiar with a band called Nocturnus? They talk about time travel a good bit.
No, I'm not familiar.



They're really great. In the 80s, you were known for having very large drum sets, which were rather inventive. What was your favorite or biggest set from that time?
The biggest drum set I ever had was 105 pieces. I had 8 bass drums, and a 5000-watt monitor, so I’m lucky I can still hear. My drum set was a city, it was too hard and time consuming to take apart, so it was picked up by a forklift and put into a large semi truck. It had 70 microphones, and over 30 cymbals. It was incredible, I loved it. There was a set in front of me and one behind me. I would play the chorus on one and then spin and play the verse on the other side. It was fun.


But with only two feet, how did you use 8 bass drums?
I spun in a circle and played them with my feet.

So you are a drummer, and a gymnast at the same time?
I don’t want to say that I’m Mr. Great, but I do try with my heart of hearts. I’ll give it the best I have, so I really try.

How many horrible fashion styles came together to make this outfit happen? Jesus. Nice J-Lo glasses. Is he starring in a remake of Charlie's Angels for the Trinity Network?

Would you and Dave Lombardo, or Fenriz from Darkthrone, do a double­–bass battle like the Buddy Rich and Gene Kruppa drum battles? You could call it “The Battle Between Good and Evil”? It could be a pay-per-view special. What do you think?
I think Dave's an incredible drummer, I really do. I told him that one time. I went into his dressing room at the Ritz in New York and I just said “I think you’re an incredible drummer”. I think he’s a better drummer than I am, but I don’t think good drumming is all what you do, I think it’s how you do it. And I look at myself as a simple drummer, what’s more important than your ability is the vibe that you give off. Like its not what you say, but how you say it. That’s how I look at drumming, because there’s always gonna be somebody who’s better. Could I do that with Dave? Sure. I think it could be fun, I think he’s an incredible player.


In your concerts, you always threw out Bibles, which I always thought was a very interesting concept. Where did the Bibles come from? Did the band have a Bible sponsor of sorts? Did the label or did the band buy all of them?
We bought them. The band paid for the whole thing. We felt it was a good thing to do. So we did it. It felt good to do that for the kids. But listen, thank you bro. Thanks a lot, but I really have to go.

OK, thank you.
Thanks.

Metal Inquisition Video Vault: Obituary on public access television (Circa '91)

Here we see Trevor looking much like Rodin's The Thinker, wondering why on earth he looks so much like Skeletor, and whey he's wearing white socks with black shoes.

We are once again opening up our video vault, so that Metal Inquisition readers can enjoy the metal goodness that has been hiding in the mountains of VHS and Beta tapes that are sitting around in my basement. This time, I bring you Florida's Obituary on public access television. I got this video, along with some Deicide and Napalm Death footage on a trade with Pat from Hellwitch back in 1992. Watch and enjoy. Please note the following:

- Great set decor. Nothing says "metal" like wicker.

- Sweet Sadus hat/hair combo

- "Plus, you're thrashing so hard" (0:59)

- "Did you guys ever jump into the pit?" , as she says that she makes the face shown above. (1:05)

- Awkward moment with young kid who thinks "Man in the box" is a song by Red Hot Chili Peppers (3:22)

- Awesome burgundy sweatpants are both versatile and comfortable (5:17)

- Great discussion about the validity of recording at Morrisound, sadly there's no talk about why bass drums sound like typewriters when recorded there. (6:42)

We're Internet Famous!

Well, not really, at least not yet, but that shitty metal magazine Decibel decided to return the favor after Sergeant D interviewed their Editor-in-Chief and the author of Choosing Death: The Improbable History of Death Metal and Grindcore, Albert Mudrian, and interview us. Of course we're not good enough for the actual magazine so they posted it on their worthless blog. You can read our witty answers to their stupid questions and check out some candid photos of your favorite Metal Inquisition staffers here.

An interview with DECIBEL MAGAZINE's Albert Mudrian

There have been many new metal magazines over the last decade or so, and most of them have sucked. For example, PIT and Terrorizer. Terrible, terrible magazines, unless you like paying $5 to read interviews with Decide's Hoffman brothers that are two paragraphs long and looking at stolen JPEGs of Hate Eternal. Thank Christ for Decibel, which is well-designed, always well-written, and aside from some regrettable beard metal coverage, entirely credible. Decibel Editor-in-Chief Albert Mudrian was kind enough to answer a few questions for us. Now, please buy his magazine. And his book. He probably also has some old Century Media promos he will sell you for cheap, too.

I know you are the brains behind Decibel magazine and the book "Choosing Death." Can you tell us a little more about yourself? What is your favorite color?
I recently learned everything I ever wanted to know about myself after practicing some self-Googling (it’s the safest form of Googling!). I’ll save everyone the trouble of sorting through the 13,000 “Albert Mudrian” matches and just provide the most defining results:

— “Albert Mudrian is fucking faker who wrote that book is just a joke! reading from the book is not worth anything! Albert Mudrian does not know nothing about death metal because he did not know that there was another band name Heretic was already taken back in 1981 duh!”— hornsofthegoat@yahoo.com, from Blabbermouth’s comment section

—“short-haired and friendly” — Pop Matters

—“Mudrian gaat daarbij in op de Britse, Amerikaanse en continentaal-Europese grondleggers, waar zij de mosterd en darmen haalden, en wat ze teweegbrachten bij hun fanatieke achterban.” —Boleuzia Blog

—“He also has a younger brother named James.” —Wikipedia

I’d say this is a pretty accurate snapshot. Oh, and my favorite color is blue.

LOLOLOLZ! He thinks that posing with the DVD version of the Hard n Heavy Grindcore video will earn him scene cred. Try again when you have the VHS tape, poser.

Many of the Metal Inquisition staffers have first-hand experience with the brutal realities of the publishing industry, so we greatly admire your accomplishments with Decibel. That said, it is unfortunate that you are sometimes forced to feature bands like Mastodon, the Dillinger Escape Plan, and other stars of the beard metal scene. How does it make you feel when you barely devote a singe paragraph to a band like Decrepit Birth while fawning over Earth or the latest Hydra Head release for pages?
Thanks for the kind words. I won’t pretend to love every band that’s ever been on the cover of Decibel, but I really do dig about 90% of them (Mastodon and Dillinger included). And I will say that we gave the new Decrepit Birth record considerably more coverage (not to mention a higher review rating) than the new Earth, but I can understand why you’d wanna send in the false metal police for the occasional unannounced inspection on us. I mean, I like the new Genghis Tron LP more than the latest Prostitute Disfigurement, so can I really be trusted?

Not enough bands thank other bands "For inspiration" these days. Why is that?
I stopped reading CD booklets in 1998, so I’ll take you at your word. The short answer is that most of today’s bands are simply uninspired (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!?!) and feel that moving a band they like into their MySpace “Top 24” is thanks enough. I don’t think there is a long answer.

If you had access to Nocturnus' time machine, what band would you go back in time and kill?
It wouldn’t be a band, but instead a person… and I don’t know his name. It’s the dude who was in charge of production at JL America. Seriously, those one-page CD “booklets” still make me angry when I think about them! And I wasn’t about to shell out $25 for the Osmose pressings of those records just to read Blasphemy lyrics.

Hardcore bands seem to emulate whatever was popular in metal a decade earlier. For example, in the 90s hardcore bands emulated Sepultura and Slayer. These days they copy At The Gates and late-period Carcass. What is next for crappy Victory Records bands? Do you think they will ever get into funk-thrash like Mordred?
If only! When Robert Trujillo joined Metallica in 2003, I was hopeful that a new generation of metallers might dig deep into his background and unearth his true musical masterwork—Infectious Grooves—and in the process trigger a retro-funk metal movement! Alas, it was not to be. So if that didn’t set off a 24-7 Spyz-charged renaissance, I’m not sure anything will. I mean, for fuck’s sake, Sarsippius Ark doesn’t even have his own Wikipedia entry. Can someone get on that, please?

We are big fans of wigger slam metal like Devourment, Rest In Gore, Vomit Remnants and Soils of Fate. What do you make of this scene?
Oh, come on. Devourment is still cool, but the Japanese slam metal scene is sooooo 2006! Mexico is the new Japan, people! And Rottenness, who have been ambitious enough to organize the annual Fistfuck Family Festival, are the future of the entire scene! Honestly, the slam metal movement is not my field of expertise, but through that scene I have discovered that Brie is indeed the most brutal of all cheeses!

Nothing says generic 1990s death metal like Morrisound Studios. What do you think Scott Burns is up to these days? Why did he like bass drums that sound like a typewriter?
I gotta defend my homie here. Scott Burns is really one of the nicest dudes to ever come out of the U.S. death metal scene. I think he took an unwarranted beating over the years, because every unimaginative death metal band that walked through Morrisound’s doors just wanted Scott to give their band “that Morrisound sound.” Ultimately, it’s an engineer’s job to get the band they sound they want, so it’s hard to fault him too much for the steady stream of bullshit that was pumped out of there in the early ’90s. And say what you will about that double-bass typewriter sound—it still beats the double-bass lawn-sprinkler system that Cradle of Filth employed in the late ’90s.

Plus, most people don’t know this, but Scott was instrumental in repairing the Nocturnus time machine, which repeatedly malfunctioned during the recording of “Destroying the Manger.” If not for Scott, Louis Panzer would still be limited to thrashing where he was at in Nazareth.

Tell us about writing "Choosing Death." Some of the Amazon reviewers feel that you focused excessively on Napalm Death. I like Napalm as much as the next guy, but why didn't you write more about Suffocation? I am sure that Terrence Hobbs would have been more than willing to speak with you while he was on his lunch break at Guitar Center.
It’s a fair question, but you’ve gotta ask yourself, “Were Suffocation featured on the legendary Hard N’ Heavy Grindcore Video Special?” I think we both know the answer to that. Also, what band that was featured had the longest segment? That’s right, it’s those who were “chuffed and weakened at the same time.” So who was I to question Jennifer and Grob’s vision of the death metal and grindcore scenes?

One of the most annoying things in over 100 years of music is mediocre hardcore bands that think they are funny by giving their songs exceedingly long, sarcastic titles. For example, Every Time I Die. What's the deal with that?
I dunno, dude. I think this should have ended with Drowningman, who (for me, anyway) were the last band to do the funny-song-title-thing well. But you can definitely add this unfortunate development to the growing list of current tired trends, which also includes but is not limited to the following:

— “Pagan” Metal
— Ironic or unironic appreciation of hair metal
— Thrash metal revival (you’ve already got that covered: http://metalinquisition.blogspot.com/2008/02/current-thrashcrossover-revival-civil.html)

I am sure that as part of your efforts to woo advertisers, Decibel conducts reader surveys to find out more about your reader base. How would you describe the average Decibel reader? I will take a guess, and you tell me if I'm off the mark: 32 years old, male, 25 pounds overweight with a neckbeard and a Neurosis tattoo partially covered by his Super Mario Brothers shirt. Also, he is a virgin unless you count the one time he got to second base with the chubby goth girl in 10th grade.
Your question implies that we’ve conducted market research in the magazine’s four-year history. What wishful thinking! The only firm readership data we have to go on is from the comments posted on the Decibel MySpace profile. Based on that evidence, our readership is a 50/50 split between 14-year-old girls who want us to a “HAVE A FUCKING BR00TAL WEAKEND!” and unsigned bands who would like us to “check out [our] new shit that’s up!!!”

That's it for me. Thanks again for your time, and please tell our readers where they can buy your book and magazine!
You can purchase Decibel from Borders, Barnes & Noble, the other usual metal magazine retail suspects and at www.decibelmagazine.com. Choosing Death is available at any fine establishment that sells books about death metal and at Amazon. You guys rule—thanks.