A few Colombian video treats

As a kid in Colombia I worshiped Kraken. Please check out the videos below and find out why. Lucho suggests I mention the mullets. i think they speak for themselves...

As I grew older and realized how shitty Kraken was, I moved to to Masacre:

That's all I got. Follow me on twitter, bitches!

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Where are they now (real estate edition): Jonny Z

SOD shirt? Check. Polka-dot suspenders? Check. Leave it to east coast Italians to set the fashion trends that the rest of us will follow for decades to come. To this day, you will never catch me at a formal function or presentation at work without rocking this very outfit.

This is a long post, so enjoy it.

As the foremost authority on washed-up metal nobodies, Metal Inquisition takes it's job seriously. It's for this very reason that we had a hard time ignoring the two emails that were sitting in our inbox, asking where "thrash metal grandfather" Jonny Z is these days. Granted, these emails were from Jonny himself, but nevertheless we found the challenge worth pursuing.

Who is Jonny Z?
If you don't know who Jonny Z is, don't worry...you're not missing much. I could play the "I'm way old school" card and make fun of you for not knowing...but really, what would that say about me? To make a big deal about my vast metal knowledge would be like bragging about the fact that I know in which episode of Perfect Strangers Balki mixes up the sugar and the salt (episode 18 by the way). While some might be impressed with such amazing knowledge, pretty much everyone would laugh at me and point...as so many people (mostly women) have done throughout my life. Having said that, I'll give you a quick rundown on why Jonny Z is mildly important, within a musical style that was itself only mildly important (more than 15 years ago) to a small group of acne-faced teenagers.

Question:
Is that Johnny Z and Billy Milano having a perfectly normal homoerotic moment at an MOD show as they both sing into a phallus....or is it two disgusting fat Italians fighting over an ice cream cone?

Answer:
Both

The facts:

Jonny Z had record store in a flea market in New Jersey. He signed Anthrax and Metallica, ran Megaforce records, and then listed himself and the Executive Producer of every horrible thrash metal album throughout the 80's, in order to keep making money off of these bands long after their members had been forced to sell their Toyota Corolla's in order to pay rent at their parent's houses. This, more or less, is all you need to know. I'll stop there, because the idea of looking into the seedy underbelly (and what a fat belly it is) of Johnny Z's musical career simply brings up troubling and painful memories for all of us. What troubling memories you ask? Well, much like a Vietnam vet has trouble sleeping under ceiling fans, I too have issues remembering all that was the 80s thrash scene, and Megaforce Record's output in particular. One part Holocaust, and one part 9-11, the musical output of Megaforce Records and the bands associated with Jonny Z are enough to make even the strongest man dry-heave. There's Overkill, Anthrax's, MOD's Surfin' MOD, not to mention the entire Testament catalog. Yes, "Practice What You Preach", I'm looking at you, and your badly mixed bass. But anyway....why are we looking into the matter of where Jonny Z is today? Well, there's those two emails from him that I mentioned earlier where he begged for some exposure in order to sell the six thousand remaining copies of the first Kings X album that are still sitting in his basement (by the way, remember how Kings X were deemed to be "the new Beatles" by the press, including Rolling Stone?) Aside from the emails urging us to talk about him, there was the unbelievable curiosity we had regarding what kind of house being the "executive producer" on Kill 'Em All, and that one live Trust album will buy you. It was with that question in mind that I released the Metal Inquisition hounds, in order to find Mr Z. By the way, I don't use the phrase "releasing the hounds" as a figure of speech. Most of our investigative reporting is done by an actual group of hounds, five well-trained dachshunds to be exact. These dachshunds have a real nose for sniffing out thrash metal empresarios, the movers and shakers of metal if you will. Sadly, because their training is in searching for "emprasarios", they returned rather quickly to the MI headquarters having found no information. I quickly realized my error. I had told them to look for an "empresario", not a fat annoying guy who is best known for his cameo in MOD's True Colors video. Having realized my error, I gave them a new task: "Go look for information about fat Italian dudes who produced Attack Of The Killer B's, and profit from the work of lesser douchebags." This was a command they understood. Sadly, they found Alex Perialas' house in Ithica NY. By the way, how great is it that if Alex Perialas, a man who accomplished so much during his life, ever Googles himself, he'll see that our blog comes up higher in the results than his own MySpace page. He recently wrote a comment on that post about his house, which leads me to believe that he's an okay guy....even if he did produce Overkill's entire catalog. His comment said:

Alex@pyramidsounstudios.com said... AP says life is good and I still know how to get a guitar tone bitches!! This site is some funny sh*t.

Thank you Alex!

Although commonly known as a trait and skill of "pointer" dogs, the Metal Inquisition dachshunds will stand, almost frozen, once they find the living quarters of any metal pseudo-celebrity. Pictured here is the littlest of the bunch, Helmut, who once stood in this very position for four hours outside an apartment that three guys from Internal Bleeding share in Long Island.

Where is Jonny Z today?

At first, I thought I had found this elusive figure of the metal world rather easily. I assumed, incorrectly, that Jonny had finally gone ahead and tried his hand at crafting his own music, rather than simply profiting from the tiny amount of talent that bands like Anthrax could piece together. I found this CD, and thought I had found my man. I quickly realized that wasn't the right Jonny. Then, I found another Johnny Z in the greater New York City area who claims to be a "maestro of sound and entertainment", which means he will DJ your son's Bar Mitzvah, or your amazingly fun company picnic. Quickly, however, I realized I had found the wrong Johnny Z. While they are both "maestros of sound and entertainment" (what would you call the I'm The Man EP after all), one was fatter than the other. With the MI hounds still out searching, I realized how horrible I really am at investigative work, and how terrible the MI dachshunds are at their job.

Damnit, wrong Johnny Z. Like the one I was looking for, this one is a washed up nobody with horrible facial hair and clothing. The difference? This guy was NOT involved in the recording of absolutely crucial albums like Raven's All For One, Ace Frehley's self titled album or any of the MOD records.

Having found the wrong Johnny Z twice over, I re-re-released the hounds...having had them smell a copy of SOD's album to track the scent. Quickly, the correct Jonny was found by the MI hounds. Redemption at last. Jonny Z, the real one, lives in Bucks County Pennsylvania. He lives right by the New Jersey border, which I fully understand. Much like flies don't often fly far away from feces...Italians don't often move far away from Jersey. My excuses to fellow poster Mr Gene Hoglan's balls who is both Italian and a Jersey resident. I know he wont be offended, however, because he knows these things are true. I mean, if I suddenly explained the concept of gravity to you...would you be offended? No, because you know it's true. You'd probably say "Right, right, I know...keep going with your story already...sheesh." So anyway, he lives in Pennsylvania now...not New York or New Jersey. Why?

At the risk of sounding like a washed up, jaded idiot...I still marvel at how the NYHC symbol was so nicely co-opted by Anthrax and Megaforce Records at large. I hope Roger Miret and the Raybeez estate get royalties from its use.

Having co-opted what little juice and iconography the New York City hardcore scene had back in the day (see picture above), I suspect that Mr Z and his family had to flee the greater New York City area in fear of retaliation from members of DMS, or perhaps because of threats from from New Jersey's own Mucky Pup. Those dudes were straight up Jersey gangsta's. Just look at this terrifying picture that the New Jersey Gang Task force sent me:

Can you really blame Jonny Z for having fled New Jersey due to fear of retaliation from Mucky Pup? These guys are a mix of extras from the Sopranos, with a tiny bit of Juggalo, and two parts douchebag thrown in for good measure. Man, nothing says class like purple MC Hammer pants, a sweet Nike tracksuit and dress shoes.

What about his house?
Funny you should ask, because the Metal Inquisition hounds came back from Bucks county quickly, and much like Lassie, their doggie noises were easy to decipher. "What is it girl? Where does he live? Near New Jersey? What? You want to take me to his house? It's by the well? Please take me there!" So I followed the hounds, and they took me here:

This well-apointed master suite is where the brains behind the entire Kings X catalog rests his weary head.

Now look...I'll be honest with you. As much as I want to laugh at the non-cohesive styling cues of the house, as much as I want to laugh about it's "1984 contractor chic" aesthetic values, or its unsuccessful blend of materials and decidedly middle class decor...I have to admit I was surprised that Mr Z could live in a house that is not falling apart. It's size alone was not what I expected. At 1.9 million dollars, in what is basically a semi-rural area of the east coast, I guess being the executive producer in Kill Em All as well as Fistful of Metal really does pay the bills. Seeing this house (all 5 bedrooms, 6 baths and 7,669 square feet of it) suddenly made me feel bad for Joey Belladonna. Why? Because earlier this year, we reported that Joey was living in upstate new york in a house that is merely valued at 300k. How can this be? Jonny Z has a nicer house than the guy who played drums in the musical epic known as I'm The Man? Life, it turns out, is not fair at all. I mean, was Jonny the one waring the indian head dress on stage for all those years? No. Was Jonny there to coach Scott Ian through his hairloss tantrums of '87? No. It was Joey who was there...and now Jonny Z has a nicer and bigger house? Joey is so broke these days, he can't even afford a full mic stand. As a result of all this information, I have finally been able to answer one of humanity's most pressing questions: Does god exist. The answer: Yes, there is a god. Sadly, like most of us, he hates Joey Belladonna.

When you look at Belladonna's entire body of work, you suddenly start to realize that "I'm The Man" as well as the outfit he wore on this picture are actually among the high points in his career. Speaking of "I"m The Man", was it really necessary to give fans like eight versions of the damn song in one EP? It's a bit like bragging about the fact that you can take a shit in eight different positions. We get the point, we're just not impressed.

Back to Jonny Z's house. As much as I was ready to laugh at his tiny, shitty house...I have to say that the house's hefty pricetag (1.9 million) left me silent. Suddenly, the Metal Inquisition offices were almost completely quiet, and all that could be heard was Seargent D practicing the main riff from Forced Entry's "Macrocosm, Microcosm" on his guitar. Putting the Forced Entry song aside, I suddenly felt guilty about having wanted Jonny Z to be living in a small house that looked like a pile of rubble, much like members from Manowar do. I remembered the last time I had a similar feeling of guilt, which was when Peter Steele of Type O Negative (and, more importantly, Carnivore) did a spread for Playgirl. I remember wanting to laugh at Mr Steele's man-junk, but when faced with photographic evidence of what he was working with...I suddenly felt shame, sadness and desperation. Wait a second...wait. Did I just willingly tell the whole world that I saw Peter Steele's Playgirl layout? Damn this truth serum, damn it all to hell!

See, I can explain...although I KNOW that my explanation sounds as made up as they come. Hear me out. When that magazine came out, I was living in Miami. My friend had introduced me to a gay friend of her's, who was an ex-punk rocker turned drag queen. A stretch, I know. This guy had the magazine, and showed it to me. I know you will all say I made this up...but it's totally true.

Okay, where was I? Oh yes, his house. So there you have it...it's big. Bigger than Joey's, and not too horrible looking considering the awful taste that Italians usually have, and the low quality of construction available in the United States.



What else is Jonny Z up to?

Like any other 57 year old man-child, Jonny has a Myspace page and a blog. It's in his blog that we can learn the most about this unlovable man...the man who first had Raven tour in the United Sates. Did you just read what I typed? This is the guy we can thank for bringing Raven to the US? Wow, next up I'll do an article about the Immigration officials who signed the visas for the 9-11 hijackers. But back to his blog. In said blog, we learn about Jonny's obsessive collecting of Nightmare Before Christmas action figures. Just read the quote below, which surely explains his passion for this movie:

“It made me think…What is this Jack really all about…is he really as deep and complex as these faces portray him….we figured there must be something more to this film…” - Jonny Z

If that statement doesn't grab you and tugs away at your heartstrings (mine are tuned to a drop C, for heavier riffing) I don't know what will. I don't know exactly what that quote means, so I'll leave it up to you to figure it out (much like a community college proffesor would when introuducing his students to Nietzsche). I do understand one portion of this quote, however, and that's the question he poses, that of there being "more to this film." As it turns out, MI staff contacted Tim Burton to see if there WAS in fact more to this film. We called his office, and identified ourselves as the guys who "wrote that funny post about the houses that the guys from Manowar live in". They hung up. So that settles that one. Oh, I forgot to mention that Jonny Z also owns an action figure store in New Hope PA, and lists the following people as his heroes:

- Malcolm X
- Ahmet Ertegun (founder of Atlantic Records)
- His wife

I'll let you all ponder that list, but rest assured that some PhD theseis work will be done on it very soon.


What do the demi-stars of thrash metal say about Jonny Z? What does the media say about Jonny Z?

I know that all of you consider us to be the absolute authorities on horrible music that no one cares about, and we thank you for that. Still, in order to keep our status as a peer-reviewed scholastic journal, we have allowed almost-well known bands comment on the man himself. Please watch the videos below.


First, let's all watch a news story about Jonny Z's Rock N' Roll heaven record store from back in the day.









In this video, Anthrax talk about the famed store that Jonny Z had in a New Jersey flea market, a store that has been discussed in every single interview that Anthrax, SOD, Raven, Venom, Testament and Overkill ever did. Megaforce Records insisted that all bands signed to the label mention the store, and Jonny's importance to the scene in all interviews. In some videos, you can actually see Jonny standing off camera pointing a gun to their bands, thus insuring that all mentions of him were included. Jonny Z is first mentioned in this video at 1:10. Please don't get distracted by the amazing poodle haircuts or hairy eyebrows.





Incredibly annoying video of Overkill, where they discuss Megaforce records and Jonny Z...as they were contractually obligated to do. Like most bands from Jersey and Long Island, Overkill claimed to be from New York City, as you can see in this video. Please note the fashion statements made in the video, which are incredibly tasteful. Notice how the one guitar player who always tried his hardest to look exactly like James Heatfiled (even using the same guitar as James and rocking the same long sweatbans on his forearms) takes a break from swinging from Metallica's balls and quickly pays homage to Max Cavalera by wearing some sensible urban camo. Johnny Z/Megaforce Records mention occurs :30 seconds in.




So what have we learned today? Absolutely nothing...except that making Lars Ulrich share some of his wealth as a result of you having been the executive producer on one of his albums almost 30 years ago will buy you an almost-nice house in Eastern Pennsylvania. Class dismissed.

Retroview: Nitro

George Lynch miniature, anybody?

For better or worse, I am a child of the 80s shred scene. I first started playing guitar in '89, when the magazines were still full of shit like Cacophony, Mr. Big, Vinnie Vincent, Steve Vai, George Lynch, and so forth. Back then, before Nirvana ruined everything and made people understand that songwriting was more important that shredding, we fetishized technique above all else. The magazines were sweet, full of pictures of androgynous dudes with big hair and no shirt making a funny face as they shredded the fuck out of some neon green Washburn. Out of all those bands, though, none of the could hold a candle to Nitro. They played faster, sang higher, and looked more like characters from Mad Max than anyone else! Needless to say, we are huge Nitro fans here at Metal Inquisition, and we think it's high time to look back at this band's output.



OFR (Out Fuckin' Rageous)
Nitro's debut is, without a doubt, one of the finest pieces of recorded music in the history of mankind. And let me be perfectly clear here that while Nitro are hilarious and ridiculous, I 100% non-ironically love this record! Look how the pieces of the logo are exploding out of the letters and shit! BAM!! You can feel the crackling energy!! Some of the highlights:



Freight Train
This song is about how Nitro is like a freight train... whatever that means. I guess it is kind of like the analogy questions on the SAT that are like Nitro:Freight Train :: Racer X:____________ and you have to fill it in (I would have answered that question with "Lambo Countach," by the way). Make sure you watch Michael Angelo blaze the fretboard of his four-necked guitar (count 'em- four necks!). The guy wasn't fucking around. Jimmy Page thought he was onto some shit with his double-necked business, but Michael Angelo took it to a completely different level that is rivaled only by Kane Roberts' assault rifle guitar (below).

Fighting Mad
This song is about a fight. Not only that, but the fight is so heated, it seems likely that someone may lose their life! You can only imagine how intense and vivid the song feels! That said, I feel like parts of it could have been a little rushed. I may be going out on a limb here, but I am going to say that Jim Gillette didn't put a ton of thought into these lyrics:

You never crossed me, I hope you never will
Backed in a corner, I'm forced to kill
Don't say I haven't warned you, you're fucking with your life
Nothing can save you, not even a knife

Seriously? "Not even a knife"? I mean, I don't think anybody expects Shakespeare but come on, at least make it look like you tried.

The liner notes
Many years before 4chan and I Can Has Cheezburger made it cool, Nitro used ironic spelling to great effect in the liner notes of OFR. For example, they articulate their stance on drug abuse as follows: "DRUGZ R 4 DUMFUCKS. DON'T BE A DUMFUCK." Actually, I'm not sure it was ironic, I think they are just dummies who are functionally illiterate. The end result is the same, though, so whatever.

Nice basket of fruit

Bobby Rock
Someday we really need to write a whole post about Nitro drummer Bobby Rock, who is an extremely bizarre human being. For now, please just take a few moments to head over to his site and get some tips on vegan bodybuilding, read some of his erotic stories, and look at pictures of him meditating. It's kind of mind-blowing so make sure you've prepared yourself first with plenty of fasting, prayer, and stretches!! Here's a sample of some of his erotica- it puts Penthouse Letters to shame:

You are brought into the UCLA Medical Division for a top-secret, cutting-edge experiment. It's a referral-only program and, because of a connection you have with an old family friend, you are among the first selected. You meet your contact and are ushered through a few hallways and into a laboratory environment, where various doctors and assistants are walking around this maze of test tubes and computer screens in their long white coats. You are inevitably led to the rear of the lab where you're taken through a security check-point, then down a long corridor. Along the way, your guide has you stop and peer into a makeshift hotel room, which includes a bed, night stand, lamp and bogus painting. Sitting on the bed, dressed comfortably in an orange bath towel and reading a copy of USA Today, is an attractive and fit gentleman in his late twenties, totally oblivious to your looking in.

From there, you and your guide continue down the corridor until you come across an unusual scene: There's a beautiful, nude woman laying unconscious on a hospital bed. She has some sort of Star Trek-looking skullcap gizmo attached to her head, with a cluster of tubes and wires extending out of it and into an intricate, computerized contraption at bedside. Further left is another bed, this one empty.

Another doctor steps forward and details the experiment:

You are to lay down, fully clothed, on that empty bed across from the unconscious woman and have the futuristic headgear attached. Within 20 minutes, you will be asleep, but every aspect of your consciousness will be temporarily transferred over to the woman. In other words, you will actually wake up - with all faculties, memories, personality traits, everything, completely in tact - in the woman's body. You can even see your body asleep on the other bed.

From there, you will be given 20 minutes alone for "self-exploration," just to check out your new body and see how everything works. Then, you are to join the man you saw in the mock hotel setting for a complete, 45-minute sexual escapade, which will include oral sex and intercourse. Afterward, you are to return to the original bed with the headgear, where your consciousness will be shifted back into your body. You will then wake up and, while your body was not actually involved, you will retain all knowledge, memory and sensation of the experience.

Do you have a boner now or what?! That shit is erotic as fuck, huh?

10/10 bloody axes


NITROII: HWDWS (Hot Wet Drippin' With Sweat)
About 10 years ago, I saw the grind/hardcore band Creation is Crucifixion in Cleveland. Somehow or another I ended up talking to one of the guitarists about Nitro, and he told me he would make me a copy of HWDWS, but he fucking never did. Fast forward to about 18 months ago, and he ended up being the DJ at Lucho Metales' wedding (he does it for a living). After requesting Lil John's "Snap Yo Fingaz," I asked him if he was ever going to get me that copy of HWDWS. He still didn't have it, which was kind of disappointing at the time, but in retrospect was probably for the best. There are a few goods jams such as "Boys Will Be Boys" and "Turnin' Me On," but it just isn't nearly as good as OFR. In fact, if it wasn't for OFR, I would probably be totally into this album. I mean, pick it up if you see it, just for the sake of completeness, but don't get your hopes up, you know?

7/10 bloody axes

Rock and Roll never die: My glam favorites

As much as I love wigger slam, glam might be my second favorite genre of metal. When I was 20 or so, I had a glam phase that lasted a few years and I got pretty into this stuff, and I still jam it on the regular. The way I see, there are two kinds of glam: the harder-edged, less melodic stuff like, say Whitesnake, Bulletboys or Hurricane, and the super poppy, bubblegum style as popularized by Poison- basically the Archies with big hair. I definitely prefer the bubblegum side of things, although I'll put on some Badlands now and then for a change of pace.

Anyhow, here are a few of my favorites- I'll skip the obvious stuff like Crue, Kix, and 18 Visions. Some of you fossils know a lot of this stuff I'm sure, so please chime in with your favorites! Also, did you ever notice that Mark McGrath is wearing a Circle Jerks shirt at the beginning of the video for "Answer the Phone" by Sugar Ray? I love that song.

PBF then...

...and now. Which is worse? You be the judge.

Pretty Boy Floyd
Let's start with the best. In my opinion PBF were the finest of all the glam bands, but they came just a bit too late to make it. They essentially took the Poison formula and, like Boyz II Men, smoothed it out on the pop tip and perfected the bubblegum glam style. In much the same way as the Japanese are the masters of taking some Western idea, hyper-stylizing it to the Nth degree, and spitting it back out, PBF were the absolute peak of huge hair, huge hooks, and awesome image. Unfortunately, they are still together, only they're all old and fat. And whatever you do, don't watch Kristy Majors' video for his solo stuff. It will make you cry and slit your wrists. 40 year old men aren't supposed to shop in the girls' section of Hot Topic (although I have to admit, the chorus is pretty fucking awesome). On the other hand, Steve Summers' post-PBF band Shameless were excellent and substantially less embarrassing.





Tuff
To me, Tuff were the ultimate poor man's Crue (along with Vain, but they weren't nearly as good). They tried so, so hard to make it, but just couldn't ever break out of the pages of Metal Edge and into the big time. It's probably because they were extremely generic and the singer looked like Jamie Presley, but they had their moments. Although they were best known for their single "I Hate Kissing You Goodbye," I love "All New Generation," in which they tell the story of rock and roll's evolution from Elvis to the in-your-face antics of today's outrageous glam bands. It's hard to believe, but in spite of their outrageous appearance, Tuff were just a bunch of hard working boys from Arizona that wanted to play rock and roll like their heros.



Vixen
Just so you guys know the ladies can fuckin' rock too!! In case you don't believe me, just put in a Vixen tape. They were the perfect blend of leather and lace: hot as shit, but just a little bit vulnerable too. They'd break your heart in a second, but if you could get past that tough exterior, you just might fall in love!! To me, they were like the cleaned up version of Lita Ford. Lita was the white trash chick down the street that would blow you on the first date if you drove a Firebird. She was super hot in an "open for business" kind of way, but not really that great looking and definitely not the kind of chick you'd want to bring home to mom and dad. Vixen, on the other hand, were edgy, but you could tell they were good girls underneath all that makeup and hair, and that they were only acting tough because they'd been hurt so many times- if you could just get through to them, they'd be true to you forever! Here is "The Edge of a Broken Heart," written by Richard Marx.



Vinnie Vincent
I worked at OfficeMax when I was 18 or something, and I met this guy who used to manage Vinnie Vincent. Needless to say, I asked him tons of retarded questions. He was cool and took it all in stride even though I'm sure I was incredibly annoying. Anyway, Vinnie was second only to Michael Angelo in terms of balls out shredding and looking like a transvestite prostitute. Mark Slaughter's vocals were the perfect complement to Vinnie's fretboard masturbation, although he really came into his own in Slaughter- if the chorus to "Fly To The Angels" doesn't put a lump in your throat, you're dead to me!! What a heartbreaking tribute to a fallen cherub!!



Nitro
Let's be perfectly clear: If you don't like Nitro, you're not my fucking friend. Obviously Nitro are completely ridiculous, but I 100% non-ironically love this band as Skullkrusher and Lucho Metales can attest to. They had the biggest hair, the highest screams, the fastest solos, and the sickest riffs. I can listen to "OFR" a million times in a row. Also, the liner notes and lyrics are priceless, like the note that admonishes "DRUGZ R 4 DUMBFUKKS, DON'T BE A DUMBFUKK." Everything about the band is totally absurd, but their songwriting is fucking awesome and the retarded lyrics just make me love them than much more.

For bonus laughs, check out drummer Bobby Rock's erotic stories and vegan bodybuilding tips. If there is a bigger tool on the face of the earth, I haven't come across him- Bobby Rock makes Vinnie Paul seems positively dignified.




Ugly Kid Joe
As many of you will surely know, UKJ's name is a parody of Pretty Boy Floyd. Now I know what you're thinking- UKJ aren't so much glam as just generic hard rock/lite metal. And you would be right, because as they say in my favorite song, "Whiplash Liquor," "We ain't glam and we ain't thrash, just suburban white alcoholic trash."

Required attire for listening to As Ugly As They Wanna Be

I am also guessing that out of all the hated bands I have posted in this blog, Ugly Kid Joe is perhaps the most hated and least credible. But your opinions mean nothing to me. If you don't like Ugly Kid Joe, you are a fool and should throw yourself on a sword because you obviously do not like to fucking party. You clearly love misery. Unlike you, I avoid misery, which is why I listen to Ugly Kid Joe, Scatterbrain, 311 and Sublime as much as possible.

Sometimes you just want to chillax, so you jam something fun like "America's Least Wanted" and it takes you back to the good old days of Stussy shirts, Baja jackets, and slap bass. It is like a time machine that will instantly transport you back to the days when you spent your after school hours hanging out behind a 7-11 or a gas station smoking pot, listening to the black album, and trying to slouch your Starter jacket in the raddest possible way. It's hard to find anything wrong with Ugly Kid Joe (as long as you forget about when Whitfield Crane joined Life of Agony).

Great moments in art history: Grim Reaper

Out of all the triumphs in the world of art, few can compare to the cover of Grim Reaper's seminal album "Fear No Evil". Grim Reaper is known to most simply as "the band with the hideous singer whose looks made everyone around the world dry-heave in disgust", or the band whose video had a cameo by Joey Belladona. But with time, we have gained insight. With that insight, we have come to see the undeniable value of this fantastic cover.




Hair Side-Note:
Grim Reaper toured once with Anthrax in the mid 80s. That's all it took for them to take on the absolutely worst characteristic of our beloved New York City thrashers...the poodle haircut. The diagram above shows the three characteristic shapes found within Charlie Benante's stylish poodle cut. The poodle haircut, in case you didn't know, was a rare sub-genus of the mullet species, primarily seen in the greater New York City area. The poodle haircut required constant attention and primping, much like a topiary at Epcot Center.

Fantastic topiaries in gardens such as these require much less work than the poodle cuts found atop New York thrashers like Anthrax.

And Now, Back To The Record Cover:
Breaking away from the norm, the artist of this masterpiece turned his back on oils and airbrushing (common media of the day) and made the bold move of using colored pencils and (perhaps) pastels. Pencils, though not commonly known as an effective device to portray true brutality, nevertheless managed to beautifully convey an amazing scene for this cover. Why do I say "amazing"? Just think about what is being shown in this terrifying piece of art. Picture yourself chillin' in church (or a holy place of your choice) with your parents. You're about 13, and you're there because your mom makes you go. In reality, you'd rather be home watching Hellraiser in the basement, or listening to...say....Grim Reaper. You're wearing ill-fitting, pleated-front khakis, along with the free plastic belt they came with. The sermon is moving along slowly, and you're bored to tears. All of a sudden....BOOOM! A god damned motorcycle-riding skeleton bursts through the stained glass windows like the Kool-Aid man! Holy Mary mother of baby Jesus! It's the Grim Reaper skeleton! Tell me this wouldn't totally make your day?

This is kinda' what a bored teenager looks like, while in church, in most western countries. Note the Lens Crafters "2 for $49.99" wire rim glasses.

Now, I'm no art expert so I'm not sure how this cover has anything to do with the title "Fear No Evil". But maybe it does. Am I not supposed to fear him? He's certainly evil. He's plenty evil actually, sorry if that opinion is not very metal...but I'd be scared as all hell. I mean, look, if this guy is riding his motorcycle through those expensive stained glass windows, he's pretty evil! And, at the risk of sounding like a little bitch, I do fear him. What would you do if you were just sitting quietly in church and a god damned motorcycle-riding skeleton plowed through the window? At the very least, you'd be startled. Don't try to be all metal and say "nah dude, that would be rad!", cus you know you'd be scared as all hell. Come on, the old ladies in church would freak the hell out, piss their diapers and at least one of them would die from a heart attack. Why you ask? Did I mention that a fucking motorcycle just burst through the fucking stained-glass window? Oh...and another thing, the fucking motorcycle was being ridden—not by a normal human being—no. It was the fucking Grim Reaper on two fucking wheels!


With that out of the way, let me comment on a couple of other things. First, look at the impressive work that was put into his robe. Sadly, no such work went into the perspective. Just look at the part of the wall that is visible on the right. Oops, it's going the other way. Also, by the time he finished the robe and had to draw the outside of the building that is visible through the broken window, the very place the Grim Reaper is coming from, he decided to call it a day and simply paint it all black. I also love how this skeleton dude is pure evil, but still manages to place his big toe, every so gently once inside the building. Based on the length of his toenails, I'd say the man is due for a day of pampering and a mani-pedi, but he's still demure with his toe placement. Also, check out those teeth. Oh my.

A rare photo of the Grim Reaper at a mani-pedi party with friends.

Regarding the motorcycle, I'm hoping an enthusiast out there can fill us in on the accuracy of the steel horse he's ridding. Isn't he riding super far back on the bike? The bike seems to have no brake mechanism in the front wheel at all either. That's pretty evil, no brakes...dude is crazy evil! I see brake levers, but no disc brake in the front hub. I thought those were pretty much standard, no? Also, the front wheel is not exactly round either. I think it's pretty cool that even though he's the Grim Reaper and all, he still likes to personalize his bike. Note the goat/devil head in the front suspension. That's like the equivalent of a "baby on board" sign in the underworld. They're all the rage down there.

Lastly, I took this picture of my own personal copy of the album. Check out the sweet contest they were running when the album came out, it was called "Reaper Madness". Get it? It's like "Reefer Madness"! More importantly, you could win a Grim Reaper jersey or headband! Oh man! I'm so bummed that by the time I bought this record, the contest had ended like 10 years earlier. Damn.

Twisted Sister: Leaders of the Wack Pack

So, we all know what tools Twisted Sister were/are, correct? In case you forgot, peep the video of their version of "Leader of the Pack".



The Shangri-Las probably never saw this video and thank God! There's only one thing sadder than Dee Snyder wearing a white leather jacket with fringe and that is a bunch of 80's glam "dudes" chanting "Yeah, we see", "Down, down" and "New, new."

I know they didn't exactly take the song or the video seriously, but these guys were retarded clowns, period. Dude, they wear sunglasses at night. I've hit dudes for doing that in bars in Brooklyn!

I know, of course, there will be the usual poser fags who will claim that TS was awesome and influential and God knows what other stupid shit, BUT let me remind you: This is Metal Inquisition, not Lame-Ass-Poser Inquisition. If you want to talk about TS and their make-up and shitty riffs or any other glam band, you should go here.

You're gonna tell me that these assfucks look like metal dudes? If you think this is metal, you need to pop in the 'Reign in Blood' cassette in your walkman, set it to auto-reverse and crank the fucker to 11.

A few more things that made me chuckle when watching this piece of garbage:

- Mr. Spock poster in the girls room.
- Cameo by Bobcat Goldthwait.
- One of the dudes is really short and looks hilarious standing next to the others.

The one thing i do find cool is the matching denim vests. I'm gonna buy some for the MI staff and we'll be as cool as these gents.

We're Internet Famous!

Well, not really, at least not yet, but that shitty metal magazine Decibel decided to return the favor after Sergeant D interviewed their Editor-in-Chief and the author of Choosing Death: The Improbable History of Death Metal and Grindcore, Albert Mudrian, and interview us. Of course we're not good enough for the actual magazine so they posted it on their worthless blog. You can read our witty answers to their stupid questions and check out some candid photos of your favorite Metal Inquisition staffers here.