20 Year Old British Girl Falls In Love With Forced Entry (the band, you sicko!)

It's no secret that I love Mountlake Terrace, Washington's Forced Entry slightly more than my own mother. Few things make me happier than hearing that I've gotten someone into what I consider to be the most underrated thrash band in history. With that in mind, you can imagine how excited I was when I got the following email while munching on chips and salsa at my favorite white-person Mexican restaurant. I could try to add some of my own commentary, but it would add nothing (all the photo comments are mine, though). This is the kind of content that fucking stands on its own! Thanks to Daru Jericho for sending this in. You are fucking legit, baby!!

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If you don't love this song, you should seriously kill yourself right now. I'm not joking at ALL, bros. WE'RE A BUNCH OF DICKS, WE TELL IT LIKE IT IS!

Salutations,

This is an overdue e-mail.

I'm a fairly rabid reader of Metal Inquisition (what reader isn't rabid over there?) based across the pond in London, England. I'm twenty years old and have a vagina too which I like to think separates me a little from the standard MI demographic. Earlier this year, your blog introduced me to a fabulous band dubbed Forced Entry. After hearing As Above, So Below enough times to force the average person to legally change their name to Thunderhead, my life was changed and not in the "ZOMG, I TOTALLY NEED TO LIEK SHOW MY APPRECIATION FOR THIZ BAND BY GETTING A TATTOO ON MY BUTTCHEEK WHICH I'LL REGRET IN THREE YEARS TIME WHEN I GRO OUT OF THRASH MEHTUL!" kind of way.

This is my favorite Forced Entry song, a deep cut that's buried on side two of "As Above So Below." Listen to that fucking riff!!! Fucking THRASH!!!!!!!!

This band was so amazing that I decided to dedicate my summer to them (I assumed the summer would be dull because I'd just dumped my boyfriend of two years and was feeling identical to the mood of that ballad 'Never A Know but the No' and concentrated on Forced Entry to fill that gap that my boyfriend once did for some reason) when I finished uni in May, in honour of 'How We spent Our Summer Vacation', of course with my slogan for the next five months being "GET FUCKED UP!"

This little baby wasn't even born when the first Forced Entry demo came out! And by the way, how fucking sweet is this cover?? Fuck Municipal Waste's contrived bullshit, THIS is what a fucking demo looks like!

But I didn't stop at changing my MSN screen name to celebrate the occasion. I went one (or possibly two) steps further. I started getting wasted more often as you'd expect but I did specifics. To be loyal to the opening line of the song that started this "Jack Daniels goes down fine, a lot smoother than any wine," I reduced my intake of wine and imbibed copius amounts of Jack Daniels. Beer was a common standard and I also did a (cider - they had no beer) bong for the first time to match "Sucked the beer bong a little too long," and I had more than six tequila slammers ("Six tequila slammers, I'm too far gone!") but I'd never even had tequila before. The newish boyfriend that I obtained over the summer had six slammers along with some other shit and spent half the night sleeping on the bathroom floor.

Let's see the phony assbags in Toxic Holocaust have the balls to rock the Tony Benjamins "white trash rocker from Bothell" look!

But the possible highlight of this summer was going up to anyone (whilst drunk or sober, btw) - friends, strangers on the street, randomos at festivals, buskers, guys I was making out with...literally anyone - and playing my ace by asking "Hey baby, will you shit on my face?" A friend of mine who got caught up in my summer frenzy (who now loves 'How We Spent Our Summer Vacation' so one became two - see what I did there!?) did the same thing but outshined me by asking eight middle-aged women in a club within an hour to do it and they were all horrified.

"Bludgeon" from the first Forced Entry record. Seriously fucking brutal as fuck, even by today's standards. It makes my soul hurt that this band doesn't get more love!!!!!

I saw Forced Entry with the Accused several times. Can you imagine anything better when it's 1992 and you're 14?! I lost my fucking mind.

The reactions we got were pretty funny. Some guys played along with me, promising to shit on my face. One dude even pulled his pants down before my friends tried to reassure an intoxicated me that I really didn't want him to do it. I got more freaked out expressions from boring people than Billy Milano had burgers this week. The best reactions were from those who played along though. Another guy asked me if I wanted liquified shit, slightly runny shit, solid shit or peanut-encrusted shit. Choice is good.

THIS EMAIL FUCKING DELIVERS.

I pretty much payed homage to most of the lines on that song but the one that I could do (obviously I couldn't do anything that involved a phallus, being a girl) but didn't was puke through my nose. I like to think I made up for that by puking on myself and my Dave Mustaine-inspired fluffy boots though.

"King Cobra?! More like QUEEN COBRA lolololz!" The intro banter in this video would be amazing material to use as samples for a noisecore demo. Fucking love the bass break at 1:15, this band was soooooo sick!!!!!!! ANACONDA HAUNTS YOUR SLEEP!

I semi-legally tattooed 'The Summer of Forced Entry '09 - GFU' on plenty of walls and surfaces and have attached some of them that I actually took photos of to this e-mail (the green tent has it written on its side but you can't see it too clearly), including the tent I shared with my ex at the latest open air metal fest that metalheads get hard ons and gap ons (the femme equivalent) over - Hellfest in France - in addition to the tent I shared with my friend at Bloodstock - the UK's nearest fest to Wacken. Writing it in non-metal places was particularly satisfying though. It was very akin to Moses telling everyone about the Ten Commandments. Looking back, I wonder if some people thought my summer was just an advertisement for rape. On asking a thrash fan if he liked Forced Entry he replied: "That's sick!"

If I ever meet this girl, I am proposing to her on the spot. I love you, baby!

The newspaper photo is also of particular interest because of the recycling message underneath that I crossed out before reading supporting the notion of shitting on one's face. Also, keen thrashers should note that the 2974 is a reference to that LOL'able Testament song 'The Evil Has Landed'. 2974 is the number of people who died in 9/11, mentioned in that track and genially rhymed with 'war'.

I also told people to fuck off or I would kill them.

GET FUCKED UP!

To conclude, thanks for giving me an awesome band to act as the soundtrack to my summer holiday - sorry - vacation from uni (May to October, April technically because I only had one exam in May so I partied earlier) and introducing me and, by extension, a few partners in crime of mine to Forced Entry. No one I know or talked to over the summer has ever heard of them and think I made them up. I wish they'd reunite. I want to e-mail these photos to one of the guys in the band so they can see that douches actually care about them but haven't found an e-mail addy. They just underscore how terrible Municipal Waste truly are and why those retro-thrash 'tards should be extinguished.

WE TELL IT LIKE IT IS, I KNOW IT MAKES YOU PISSED 'COZ WE'RE A BUNCH OF DICKS,

Daru Jericho

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More awesome, vintage Seattle metal: BITTER END!! Fuck yes, I definitely saw this band many times with all my other favorites like Aaronation, Sabre, Dumt, Panic, The Evicted, Amerifucked, Big Top, Date Rape, Last Gasp, and probably the amazing Aspirin Feast (listen to "Jesus Said," holy underrated hardcore) at one time or another. Seattle had sooooo many legitimately excellent bands back then, but nobody ever heard them because we were off the map until Nirvana came along. I'll put the above bands against any other local hardcore/metal scene in the US circa 1990, I was seriously fortunate to grow up when and where I did.

Daru Jericho, you are officially DOWN AS FUCK and we salute you! I honestly love to see people who are still enthusiastic about stuff, especially when it's something as ridiculously sweet as Forced motherfucking Entry. We love you and support you in your efforts to GET FUCKED UP!

Peep Forced Entry on MySpace here

Late 90s Death Metal You May Have Slept On

Remember when the internets existed, but it was hard to find anything about metal? It's hard to believe that there was in fact a time when metal nerds didn't have places like this one to argue about whether Danzig II or II is the better album, if Brutal Truth's first album is grindcore or death metal, and call Dave Mustaine an asshole.

We had to make due with anus.com, and that's a pretty poor substitute for, well, anything. As a result, a lot of good records slipped through the cracks a bit: not big enough to get much print coverage (other than Pit magazine, which fucking ruled), and without Youtube, MySpace and blogs they had few other options. I would like to do what little I can to fix this sorry state of affairs: here are some records from the late 90s that may have eluded you, but are worth checking out. For all you a-holes that think I'm a poser and I don't actually like metal, put this in your fucking beardo pipes and smoke it.

As I always mention, this isn't an MP3 blog and we like being friends with labels, so I (usually) won't include download links. That said, Google blog search is helpful if you are looking for them.


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Cinerary "Rituals of Desecration"
Let's begin with a band I've been hyping for about 7 or 8 years: the mighty CINERARY. This criminally-underrated band featured Matti Way and the drummer from Disgorge with two guys who I think were in Gorgasm and/or Cumchrist (also worth checking out). Back in 2001, guttural slam didn't exist, but this record laid the foundation for it and I am honestly surprised it doesn't get hyped more nowdays. The vocals are just completely fucking disgusting (rivaled only by Devourment, Big Chocolate, and Cephalotripsy), the drummer blasts his balls off, and the guitar sound is one of the thickest I've ever heard, making the proto-slamz especially sick pitt riffment. I have no idea what happened to this band or why they didn't blow the fuck up because this record is SICK but long out of print- grab it off Rapidshit here.


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Embalmer "There Was Blood Everywhere" 7"
Cleveland is a miserable fucking shithole, which helps explain why there were so many rad death metal bands coming out of that dump in the 90s. I lived there for a few soul-crushing years, and it made me a bitter, angry person who wants nothing more than to choke the life out of everybody on the planet. But on the bright side, I lived a block from the Phantasy and was spoiled with an abundance of metal. Usually "local band" is synonymous with "shit," but in those days a "local metal show" might include Hemdale, Odious Sanction, Apartment 213, Regurgitation, Nunslaughter, Dislimb, Integrity, and of course Embalmer.

Embalmer played a particularly downtuned, sick, yet darkly melodic brand of death metal that still sounds pretty fresh to my tired old ears (when I'm not jamming Metro Station, of course). The drummer played blast beats that were VERY, VERY fast for the time, and although they had chops the band never got into riff salad territory. New bands could learn a thing or two from the 90s Clevo bands: it's not about trying to outplay the next Guitar Center dork, it's about writing good songs that "make ppl want 2 mosh."

BTW, I don't think of this as an obscure 7" by any means, but I am also fucking old and forget that not everybody read The Wild Rag cover to cover obsessively like I did and therefore it might be new to some readers.


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Decrepit "The Wake" 7"
Skullkrusher and Andrew from Aversionline tell me that this band sucks and is even worse than Gammacide, but I think they're crazy because this 7" is sick. Like Embalmer, they had a knack for writing simple, catchy, yet very polished death metal songs that didn't feel like old school throwbacks but also weren't trying to break the conventions of the genre. In other words, they just played really fucking good, straightforward death metal. The drummer, Chris Dora, also played in Integrity for a quite a while beginning with "Humanity Is The Devil" and going up until long after I stopped paying attention to hardcore.

Peep this song and tell me you don't seriously think Gammacide is better than this band! The part at :45 has one of the longest blast beats I've ever heard, it's pretty sweet. I think they're still active, although they started playing black metal a while ago.

Decrepit on MySpace


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Deeds of Flesh "Trading Pieces" & "Gradually Melted"
In 1997 I ran into the drummer for Odious Sanction at a Hemdale show. After offering me weed (very gracious, although I was nailed to the X at the time so I passed) he gave me a dubbed cassette labeled "DEEDS" and told me it was the hot new shit. He was right, these records are masterpieces of technical, brutal death metal with some of the best drum sounds I've ever heard. Along with Internal Bleeding "Voracious Contempt," this record basically made me stop listening to hardcore for about 10 years and just sit in my room playing my Jackson Dinky Reverse trying to write sick riffs that could be in Deeds songs. Their later records are amazingly dull riff salad, but these two are classics that still hold up in the 2k9.75 for sure.


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Nunslaughter/Bloodsick split 7"
Chris Pellow is a mellow fellow who doesn't get the credit he deserves for his many musical accomplishments. He is probably best known for being the original bassist in Ringworm and Apartment 213, but has been in far too many other hardcore and metal bands for me to remember and is a really really nice dude as well. In 1997 he played in the legendary Nunslaughter and a cool band called Bloodsick, who teamed up on this obscure split. The 7" is impossible to find and has been out of print for over a decade, so cop that shit on Mediafire.


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Oppressor "Agony"
I got into this band through the drummer and bassist for Abnegation, oddly enough. They basically sound like the death metal version of Forced Entry: weird, angular riffs that are more more twisted than they sound at first blush coupled with poppy arrangements that make it very accessible for brutal death metal. Like many of the other bands in this post, I really don't understand why this album doesn't get hyped more often these days. I guess it's just a case of wrong place, wrong time?? Your lose, dickfaces, because this record is a classic and your life is incomplete unless you own it! (And yes, I do own the actual CD :P )


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Broken Hope "Loathing" & "Grotesque Blessings"
There's no doubt about it: Broken Hope's early albums fucking suck. However, they are one of the rare bands who actually got better with age- way, way better (which isn't hard considering how fucking awful "Swamped In Gore" was). I had pretty much written them off as complete crap until my friend Lee, who is a very legit shredder and death metal fan, told me that "Wolf Among Sheep" had one of the sickest riffs of all time in it. I didn't believe him, of course, because I knew them for their abyssmal earlier releases, but it turns out he was right as fuck! I wouldn't say the entire album is great, but just like Disincarnate, the whole is more than the sum of the parts. If you're into technical shit that's not totally gay, give this a shot.


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Disgorge "Cranial Impalement"
I bought this for $.10 at Record Exchange with Mike Joachum, who has played guitar for many of the later Integrity lineups along with his little brother Nate. Please don't bother shit talking new Integrity because those dudes fucking rule it. Anyway, Mike was like "Dude look at this cover, it's hilarious!" I agreed, noticed it was 10 cents, and picked it up. We brought it home and he was super bummed he didn't buy it because the first song is one of the finest pieces of guttural death metal I've ever heard to this day: the vocals are sick as fuck, very catchy but complex and brutal riffing, and extremely tasty drumming (check out the accents on the bell of his ride). Their later albums are ok, but much closer to riff salad than this one. So if you wrote them off based on newer output, do yourself a favor and cop "Cranial Impalement"!

What did I miss? What late 90s death metal did you jam before MySpace existed? Do you know Mike and Nate from Integs?

The beauty and innocence of youth: Memories of outdoor shows in the early 90s

Two weeks ago, this amazing picture of New Jersey's Revenant was posted here at Metal Inquisition. To say that I love this image would be a severe understatement. I mean, many have tried to encapsulate the youthful abandon that permeated early 90s death metal, but few images have done it as succinctly as this picture. What, I ask you, is more metal than playing the Fourth Of July picnic at your apartment complex? The varying heights of their hi-tops, the varying shortnesses of their shorts, the varying degrees of shirtlessness upon their chests. If you were there during those years, you understand why this image is so great. This is what it was like back in the early 90s, and if you missed it...you missed it. Death metal was new, china cymbals were huge, and Morrisound Studios reigned supreme.

A sweet outdoor show in Italy, with an audience made up of no one...because the picture was taken with a tripod and a timer. This picture, by the way, officially started the musical genre known as "small amp metal". In short, this musical style can only be played with small practice amps, and is at its best when the stage the band is playing in is at least twice the height of the tallest amp.

Memories:

During my reign as drummer of a handful of so-so bands in the early 90's, I played a few outdoor shows...just like the one pictured above. The band I played the most with was more of a grindcore band, but our shows were almost exclusively with death and speed metal bands. As a drummer, these shows were particularly frustrating, since grass is pretty much the worst surface on which your drumset can sit as you attempt to rip a brutal blast beat. As my drumset rocked back and forth, the cymbal stands dug into the soft grass, and you suddenly realized that you were engaged in battle with nature. Luckily, the bands I was in never attempted to seem evil, so when my cymbals toppled over onto the flower beds in front of the drumset, I probably looked less stupid than the death metal bands who would play after us. They, I have to tell you, looked seriously stupid. Have you ever seen a dude growl "Our next song is about a brutal serial killer...and its called..." into a mic, while standing on grass, at 2 in the afternoon, and a fly starts buzzing around his stinky hair? By comparison, we looked downright presentable and cool. Which reminds me, at one such show, a local band who we despised introduced one song by saying the following:

"This next song is about a cannibal who eats people"

Hmmm. As opposed to a cannibal who eats what? Tofu? By definition, a cannibal eats people, no? But anyway, I'm getting off track here.Out of the handful of outdoor shows (in reality, they were more like "backyard shows") that I played in during the early 90s, one surely sticks out in my mind above all others. Imagine, if you will, driving to a remote and rural location in the midwest...a town that was little more than a conglomeration of homes and had just recently gotten its very first stoplight. Then imagine a flatbed trailer, like from an 18-wheeler, with bands playing on top of it while it's parked in the middle of a depressing field. Billed as a "metal fest", the show was merely six bands and an audience of about 40 people. If you're a math genius like me, you can probably figure out that most of the audience was actually made up of the other bands. Depressing, I know.

Not happy with the fact that only horrible metal bands were getting to play outdoors, pseudo-prog bands have recently started to get in on the action. Here we see a prog band's singer and keyboard player praying that his parents don't come home early and yell at him for using all the extension cords.

It was one of the first shows that our band had played, so we set up a boombox in front of the stage to record our set. On the drive back home, I remember listening to the tape in my brother's car. Quickly we realized that two stoned Pantera fans had been standing by our beloved Panasonic boombox during the whole set, and endlessly did their horrible Bevis and Butthead impressions into it's tiny microphone. As a result, what we ended up with was a thirty minute tape of two rural jerkoffs with no teeth testing out their comedic chops onto our boombox. I remember what they looked like, slightly overweight and with nearly identical Vulgar Display Of Power shirts. The fact that they were only missing a few teeth, made them stand well above the rest of the audience, most of whom had even fewer teeth, and the few they had were dark brown. This, I would later learn, was partially as a result of drinking water pumped from wells, which lacks fluoride.

Outdoor shows in empty fields and backyards during the 90's would sometimes bring out bands who were barely metal at all. Like a community college who will let anyone in, backyard shows sometimes had bills with bands totaling well into the double digits. Inevitably, at least one band would feature a guy in a Dr Seus hat who was more than ready to use his wah-wah pedal for every song. Another interesting note about outdoor shows during that time: apparently no one was allowed to use anything other than small practice amps with 10" speakers.

You know how sometimes people talk about the "good old days"? When they do, all I can think about is that "fest". I remember standing in the hot sun for hours, playing on top of a trailer, watching fat dudes get drunk and turn their back on the makeshift stage as we played, so they could light off firecrackers in order to throw them in to the neighboring cornfield.

So why did I suddenly remember this less than memorable "fest"? Well, it's all because of the Revenant picture above, but also because of the videos below. The first video features an outdoor performance, but also the typical dude who is getting down, not realizing that he's really taking away from the "evil" atmosphere that the music is trying to convey. We had a few guys like this at our shows...one particularly memorable one was an elderly black man in a suit and tie who suddenly decided to take his tie off and wrap it around his head as he danced around like a six year old ballerina at a recital. His suggestive gyrating dancing is a sight I wont soon forget.

The second video reminds of this era because of the sheer number of bands that were this bad who I had the pleasure of sharing a bill with. Outdoor shows were particularly attractive to these types of bands. If at first you think they sound okay, keep watching...and wait until the singer starts. Thanks to the reader who sent this in.




This dude knows how to GET DOWN!




Although this show is taking place indoors, the musical quality is indicative of many small-amp/outdoor metal bands. Is this guy the greatest metal vocalist ever? Do you even have to ask? I'm glad that the drummer has headphones on, so he can play perfectly on time thanks to his click track.




A classic that we've posted before. Certainly worth checking out again.




Reader submission. Sometimes the show is not on stage at all...check out the dude dancing.

Bands to watch for: Corn

When I say the word "metal," what do you think of? Probably the same things I do: Charvel guitars, slap bass, wearing your own band's shirts, and having a job at a carwash. But there is more to metal than just thrash, as the upcoming California band Corn proves. They play an innovative style of new-metal that doesn't just regurgitate all the familiar cliches we have come to associate with metal, but instead introduces a whole new set of conventions that we think will be met with both critical and popular acclaim.

This is a DIY video they put up on their MySpace to create buzz around their band. The quality is a little rough because my friend Carlos did it as the final project in his video production class at Shoreline Community College but don't let that distract you. Please make a bulletin about it if you want to support them!!

Alts, bangers, or wiggers?
Like Biohazard, it is kind of hard to say exactly what Corn sounds like because they are pretty much doing their own thing. The only band I could really compare them to is Bloodlet, because they both play down-tuned, sludgy songs about how you hate yourself. But unlike Bloodlet, who are kind of derivative and unoriginal, Corn adds a lot of elements to the mix that make them much more interesting.

This is the bassist's zine. It isn't really like your typical music zine, it's mostly personal stuff about going to church, thoughts on straightedge, etc. It is either 2 stamps or a trade. He is on #hardcore a lot and really friendly!!

Sometimes I think that they are an alternative band like Stone Temple Pilots because there are lots of parts where the singer talks about how nobody likes him, his stepdad is a fucking shitbag, and how he has low self-esteem. He probably got stuffed in his locker a lot in high school. But when the jocks would mess with him, instead of fighting back he would just put on a big forced smile and fake-laugh at them because he wanted to make it seem like he was above all of it and it didn't really bother him. He would just let them push him around like he didn't care, like he was soooo over the whole bully thing that it didn't phase him at all.

Corn is the world's first post-racial band. The singer for Corn's fur-lined track suit transcends their race and sends the message, "Skin color doesn't matter." The fat guy on the upper left is like "Yo, what's up!!" and the guy in the shades is all, "Dawg, don't fuck with this unless you want ya wig split."

But actually, he would skip his last class ("Applied Math II") and go home and put his pillow over his face and scream as loud as he could "I FUCKING HATE YOU FUCKERS!!! FUCK YOU!!!!" because he saw this one cute semi-gothic girl that he likes watching him get stuffed in the locker. She wears cut-off denim shorts with those black-and-white tights underneath with Doc Martens, he ran into her once at a midnight showing of "Rocky Horror Picture Show" and felt like they had a really good vibe.

The singer for Corn is wearing sequined track pants (although it looks like a lot of the sequins have fallen off). I think he is trying to say to all the bullies/stepdads who picked on him, "LOL @ you guys, I'm proud of being a 'freak'. I own this image, and I'm gonna be popular with it." But still he wants you to know that he is kind of vulnerable, which is why he is holding himself and swaying. The scars have not completely healed.

Also I bet his stepdad is like the dad from The Wonder Years, and was really disappointed when his son said he didn't want to play football. He probably came home from work one day all pissed off because he does framing/roofing and his foreman is a fucking asshole, and was like "Hey if all you're going to do is sit around my house and listen to Slipknot, get me a fucking beer!" Then the singer for Corn is all, "Fuck you, you're not my real dad!!" And his stepdad turns all red and pushes him up against the wall and is like "You think you can take me on you fuckin' pussy?!" and slaps him. The singer for Corn starts to cry and his stepdad is like, "If you're gonna act like a little bitch then I'll treat you like one!!" and sticks his finger in the singer for Corn's butt. I am not sure but I think that's what the Corn song "Clown" is about.

Corn's first demo, has a creepy pornogrind kind of vibe on the cover. They are from the same area as The Meat Shits.

But they also seem like they like metal, because a lot of the songs are really dissonant and heavy. I feel like they are probably big noisecore fans because on the record there isn't even a bass player. In the parts where most bands would have the bass, they just have these weird sounds that remind me of pieces of metal clanking together. It seems like something 7 Minutes of Nausea would do. They have a guy who plays with them live and does "noise/effects" and sometimes uses a bass to make the clanking sounds, I don't know how he does it. He's probably into circuitbending or whatever and rewired the whole bass.

This isn't finished yet, but I did this Corn poster in my "New Media III" class. I want to rework the highlights on the alien's skin when I have time (probably not until spring break).

Also, are they Mexis? I can't tell. Some of them look like it, but they could also just be wiggers who work outside doing manual labor so they are really tan. I don't really see a lot of Mexis with cornrows, and usually the only people you see with dreadlocks are rapey white pot dealers. They will ask you if you want to come over to their place to smoke some fatty dank nuggets and watch "The Wall" but really they just want to feel you up in their van, then when you're like "Fuck you, get off of me" they laugh and as you're getting out of the van, they're all, "Ass, grass, or cash, nobody rides for free!!" and drive off to go get some Taco Bell and find a pay phone so they can call all the people who paged them.

The bassist plays an upright bass, like the guy from The Stray Cats. I think it's really cool and original that they even incorporate elements of rockabilly into their sound/image. Also, I guess it's just the light or something, but it looks like there are 5 strings on his bass, LOL!

Here is an interview I did with Corn for my "Video Production I" class. Sorry I talked so much, I'm not used to being on camera and I got a little nervous and couldn't shut up. I laughed so hard when the one guy said his named was Fieldy Snuts (like "Feel These Nuts/Testicles" LOL!!!), that guy is so funny and crazy!!

What's next for Corn?
At the risk of sounding like a fanboi, I think Corn could be next Infectious Grooves (another genre-bending California band who I will cover in a future edition of Bands to Watch For). They would need to develop a charismatic mascot like Sonic, Bubsy, or Poochie, but I think the alien I made for the poster above would work perfectly so that's not really a problem. I just feel like the time is right for new-metal to break through into the mainstream, what with Desert Storm and the failure of the DotComs making everybody so nervous about the future. Corn's anger and vulnerability mirror the way that we all feel in these uncertain times.

I looked on WebMD and it said that hair loss and bloating in someone as young as the singer for Corn can be indicators of really serious illnesses like GRIDS.

The only thing I see potentially holding them back is the singer for Corn's health. I'm worried that being in a young band that is building a strong local following has led him into an unhealthy lifestyle. Because their music combines intense minor key riffs with dark lyrical themes, it seems like it probably attracts a lot of troubled young adults with low self-esteem, which means it would be really easy for an older dude in a moderately popular band to have sex with them. Since he hasn't accepted Christ into his heart yet I can see how that would be really tempting and probably put him in a lot of really bad situations and lead to tensions in the band.

"Life Is Peachy" 7" (Wild Rags). This one is easier to find than the demo but I think the production is a little too polished, kind of like how the Excruciating Terror LPs weren't as good as the demos and 7"s because they were overproduced.

Recommended listening
Corn has a demo and a 7" out. Both are excellent but I recommend the demo if you can find it. It's especially rad if you have a good system in your car. My friend Carlos, who made the "Blind" video at the top of the page, has a bomb-ass system in his Integra GS-R. We'll put the demo in his tape player and go to the Everett Mall and just chill in the parking lot or drive up Casino Road. Every time one of the bass drops hits people are all, "Damn what is that, it must be Def Bass Krew!!" but then the singer for Corn starts screaming and they're all like "Oh snap, I didn't know rock could bump like that!!" and we're like "What's up now, bitches!!" and give them the gasface.

Corn on MySpace

Bands to watch out for: Biohazard

There are so many bands these days that it can be hard to hear all of them. You don't have all day to order demos from the back of Metal Maniacs, ask Johnny Z what new stuff he has at Rock N Roll Heaven, or browse Napster/PureVolume/YouTube/Twitter/iTunes/MySpace/AOL keyword Thrash, so you need someone to help you sort through the crap and find the best new artists. That's why we're starting a new feature here at Metal Inquisition called Bands To Watch Out For, in which we highlight the best new artists that we think you'll like.

Our first installment is about a hungry young band from Brooklyn called Biohazard. I've seen them at L'Amours a few times, and the Twitterscape can't get enough of them- we think they're going to be big.

Sound
More and more bands these days are combining influences from a lot of styles. For example, Mordred plays a hybrid of thrash, funk, and rap, drawing influence from anything from K-9 Posse to Armored Saint, or Dave Mustaine's new solo album that is equal parts ska, industrial, and rockabilly (with a DJ). Like Mordred, it's really hard to pin down Biohazard's sound.

Most people in New York City ride the subway a lot I think. It seems kinda scary and dirty to me, but I guess if you are from Brooklyn and wear knit hats then you probably look working class and people don't mess with you, so it's probably OK for Biohazard to use it as their main form of transportation.

I had never thought of putting rap lyrics over Agnostic Front riffs, but basically that's what Biohazard does. It kind of reminds me of what a lot of old school hardcore bands like Fury of V, E-Town Concrete, or Comin' Correct were doing back in the early 00's, only not as authentic.

I think the singer collects novelty headwear or something.

I mean I'm sorry, but I don't really buy the tough guy act from a bunch of dudes from Brooklyn!! What happened, someone splashed mud on your new fixie?? LOL! Go cry about it on Bike Snob NYC, don't write a hardcore song about it!

Seems like these guys have a really strong sense of community, like they really want to keep it real and stay connected to their people. For example here the singer is kicking it with some infantile retard from the neighborhood and giving him a tutorial on wiggerish arm movements. Wish I had a mentor like that when I was a kid so I could have been listening to Cold Front and Dmize instead of LFO and Mest :(

I don't listen to a lot of rap, but I think these guys do because a lot of their songs are about how they are from the streets and are really physically intimidating/have been through hard times but are now tougher than ever because they survived it. I know how that feels because I have no idea how I got through my last semester of school- I had 13 credits and was working like three shifts a week checking people's ID at the fitness center at school (I have work-study financial aid). The only thing that kept me going was listening to "Tales From The Hardside" on my Zune and repeating to myself "I can do this! I can do this!"

I found this interview with them on YouTube, they seem really intent on talking about how bad the neighborhood they live in is. They could probably find something affordable in a nicer place if they would just spend a few minutes on Craigslist. My friend says that Jersey City has some cool bars and isn't as lame as it sounds, it seems kind of far out to me though. Also, if they lived somewhere nicer then they probably wouldn't be as inspired by all the urban discipline they see every day so maybe it's better for them to stay in Canarsie, I don't know.

It's really life-affirming stuff to hear about how these guys survive against the gritty backdrop of Brooklyn and channel all their pain into their band- super inspiring for me. I have some friends who are going to school in New York and they are dealing with a lot of the same things; rent is really expensive in Williamsburg now and they can barely get by on their student loans/allowance. A lot of them even had to get jobs. They do a couple iPod DJ gigs a month for extra cash, which sucks because they have a lot of homework and it's easy to fall behind on it, then next thing you know you get an angry phone call from your mom because she looked online at your grades and you have a B- in "History of Sex."

I think the guy with the missing teeth is the one from the cafeteria. I'm going to ask my mom about Pratt's dental insurance, maybe he can get them fixed.

Anyway, it doesn't really say exactly what the guys in Biohazard do for a living in their lyrics but from the looks of them I imagine they probably drive Pepsi delivery trucks in Queens, work at gas stations, or just do like random manual labor because they can't read. I could swear I saw one of them working in the cafeteria when I went to visit my friend at Pratt, but I didn't want to ask if it was him because he looked really mad (he was the one at the sundae bar and got kind of pissy when I asked him for double sprinkles [but he didn't charge me extra, he probably could tell I was cool because I was wearing a Suicide Silence shirt]).

This looks like a Saturday Night Live sketch. Is that Andy Samberg in a wig?

Image/Branding
They seem like cool guys who like to have fun, but I feel like they're trying a little hard to do the whole Municipal Waste/Toxic Holocaust thing. I mean they're definitely good at it, but the thing is that they take it a little too far. In order for it to be funny, it has to be a little bit believable, you know? We talked about this in my "Entertainment Business" class the other day: If all you do is combine every ridiculous cliche from crossover fashion into your characters, it's too much. You have to use some restraint or you just end up looking like a cartoon. Overkill, Toxik, and Xentrix are much better at doing the retro-thrash thing without going over the top.

The singer seems kind of confused. He looks like David Vincent meets Ashton Kutcher circa 2002. The whole trucker hat thing is kind of played out and it doesn't really make any sense when coupled with the leather vest, I think he should just choose one look to focus on. I don't know what he is going for but I'm not really into hipster metal.

Also, it's sort of hard to understand them when they talk. They all sound like Rocky or something, or like they just got back from the dentist and their tongues are all swollen and numb. I don't know if maybe if they all met in some kind of support group for people with traumatic brain injuries but it seems like they should see if their parents' insurance covers speech therapy (I asked my mom and she said it should, she is a claims processor for Aetna).

I don't know who the black guys in this video are but it's cool that Biohazard earned their respect, I guess if you are from Brooklyn and stuff people will treat you like a badass.

In this video Bobby from Biohazard is interviewing the singer for some band called The Madballs. I'm not familiar with them but they seem lame, the guy is wearing a hat that says "DMS" on it, which I guess is his fraternity or whatever. You're in Europe, dummy, nobody knows about your stupid frat!

I've been thinking about getting a tattoo (if my parents say it's OK). I want to make sure that my first one is something I'm really happy about. The singer for Biohazard was on Miami Ink and he got this one. I think he's going to regret it- why would a skull be saying "for the win"?? It doesn't even make sense LOL!

What's next?
I feel like kids now are really open-minded so I see big things for Biohazard. It's not like before where a kid would only listen to one kind of music. For example, I have really eclectic tastes. One minute you will find me listening to Exhorder and the next I will be playing Pantera. I think a lot of other kinds are the same, so they will probably really like how Biohazard is like half rap, half power groove. I'm not really into their whole "hipster metal" image with the ironic hats/crunk parts and stuff, but whatever, the music is good so I can look past it.

Biohazard's singer is yet another dude from Brooklyn who thinks it's cool to drink cheap beer, how original. I'm so over hipster metal! Go listen to Mastodon you jerk!!

If you are into bands who aren't afraid to cross genre boundaries like Mucky Pup, Dance Hall Crashers, and Violent Playground, you will probably really like Biohazard! Definitely pick up their tape if you see it at Camelot, I am pretty sure they still have a few copies left at the Everett Mall.

Winds of Plague invent wigger black metalcore

Suffocation and Dying Fetus shirts, New Era hats cocked at a jaunty angle, puffy vest... we have a confirmed siting of slam wiggers!

We get a lot of press releases and stuff in our inbox, and usually I don't even bother to read them before I shout a curse at the sender, but for some reason I chose to read the latest piece of poorly-written, uninspired spam from Century Media and found the latest video from some band called Winds of Plague inside. I never thought it would happen to me, but my mind is officially blown. Many of you experienced this feeling when you read my epic post on screamo crunk a while back: half "get off my lawn" and half "wat."



As you can see from the video, they somehow manage to combine elements of tough guy hardcore, goth, cheesy commercial black metal, deathcore, and wiggerish arm movements. Look, I get it. I love Bleeding Through and wigger slam as much as the next guy. I've been on 18 Visions and Suffocation's dick since forever. But some things just aren't meant to be combined! Nobody is asking for a beef jerky-flavored energy drink, and nobody asked for wigger black metalcore!

This guy doesn't love "mashup culture" like David Gensler

Stop inventing new genres, you crazy kids!! Next thing you know we'll have an neoclassical industrial rapabilly fad up in here, and nobody wants that to happen. I remember when the Judgment Night soundtrack came out: I was terrified at the thought of more Dinosaur Jr/Del Tha Funkee Homosapien collabos, and I'm getting a similar feeling of dread as I watch this video. Will the charts of 2019 be full of Dimmu Borgir/Daddy Yankee mashups? If so, bring me the Nocturnus time machine so I can kill myself in the crib and be spared the agony of witnessing such a world.

Southern Californians or Bavarians? You be the judge.

At first I was convinced this band must be European, because only Euros and the Japanese are capable of combining exaggerated stereotypes of American subcultures into a giant, ridiculous, shit sandwich like this without a hint of self-awareness. They're clearly not Japanese, so I said to myself "There's no way these fucking retards are from anywhere but Belgium, Germany, or Holland." But then I looked on their MySpace and saw that they are from Southern California and I said, "Oh, right. Yeah, that works too." I love Southern California a lot, but let's be honest: the people there aren't the best at knowing when they are being giant d-bags. I mean this is the place that brought us Tapout, Affliction and Kottonmouth Kingz.

Here is what Winds of Plague's fans look like. Note his Brazilian jiu-jitsu shirt- he's sure to come down with Tommy Victor's Disease when he gets older.

I was doing an image search to find some pictures to make fun of, and found this douchelord. It turns out that he actually went to the same high school as I did, which probably is not a surprise to MI readers in that you all know that I am also a douchelord. In any case, if you happen to be from the Northwest like I am you can LOL at this guy for many things, not the least of which is moving to Spokane. Really?! Who moves to Spokane? Isn't that like a perfectly healthy person going to the doctor's office, rummaging through the biohazardous waste container and jamming a syringe full of AIDS into his eye as hard as he can??

It wouldn't be a Southern California metalcore band without a slightly below-average chick with a muffintop playing keyboards, now would it?

Oh, and did I mention that (to nobody's surprise), I think this band is awesome and want to hang out with them?? Seriously, this song fucking jams and I hope to catch them on tour with Brokencyde and Crazy Town this summer.

Retroview: Forced Entry

Two Sacred Reich shirts in the same picture?! Isn't there some kind of law against that?

I grew up in Snohomish County, Washington- about 25 miles north of Seattle. Seattle is a pretty happening town now, with lots of bands, artists, cultural events, and industry icons like Microsoft, Amazon, Starbucks, Boeing and Nintendo headquartered there, but back in the 80s and early, pre-Nirvana 90s, it was different. Back then, it was mostly weird, isolated rednecks that marched to the beat of their own drum. Bands like The Accused, Dumt, Date Rape, and *cough* Bigtop did their own thing and generally attracted almost no national attention. Forced Entry were no exception: they played a pretty unique brand of thrash that wasn't really like anything else out there, and aside from a small cult following, nobody ever really gave a fuck. To atone for my earlier Crazytown post, though, here is a look back at the mighty Forced Entry, my favorite band in 7th grade!


Thrashing The Helpless Down demo / Uncertain Future LP (1987/1989)
Forced Entry started off as a very good, but not super noteworthy thrash band. They were definitely on the heavier end of things, especially for 1989- I'd say they were one notch below Solstice / Demolition Hammer / Malevolent Creation-style "death metal." I put it in quotes because, as Lucho Metales and I often talk about, it really is death metal in name only when you compare it to Suffocation, Internal Bleeding, Pyrexia, and so forth. I'm lumping the demo in with this album because they're mostly the same songs (maybe even the same recordings? I don't remember).



This album is totally good, and you should definitely pick it up if you get the chance, it's just not as mindblowing as their second one! There's nothing wrong with it at all, but it's pretty fun to go down the thrash metal checklist and tick off items one by one:

• Oil painting on the cover, although they probably couldn't afford Repka so they got their buddy from Edmonds Community College to whip something up
• Lyrics about toxic waste and mutants:
  Stagnant earth, chemical wastes
  Chaos ruling, it never waits
  Mutant cells, join as one
  Lethal minds spell destruction
  
• Picture of themselves looking like they just woke up from a coma, complete with puffy high tops (see above)

7/10 bloody axes


As Above, So Below (1991)
Now this is a masterpiece of technical, progressive thrash! Imagine the precision and brutality of Dark Angel with the angular, progressive touches of maybe Cynic or something and you have an idea of what to expect. Although it is impossible without access to the Nocturnus time machine, it almost sounds like they were listening to a lot of Oppressor's "Agony," because the riffs are more than a little bit similar. You might remember the song "Macrocosm Microcosm," which got a fair amount of airplay on Headbanger's Ball, but that song is by far the weakest part of this album. The rest are full of technical, cock-smashing brutality like the lead track, "Bone Crackin' Fever":



The majority of the songs are long, twisting epics with tons of weird syncopation and meandering riffs (in a good way), but they do keep it very real with another thrash staple, the goofy party song. In fact, this album includes not one but two goofy party songs: "How I Spent My Summer Vacation," which is about bongs, administering cunnilingus, urinating on oneself, and other trappings of being a white trash metalhead. The chorus is "Get fucked up!"

The other one is "We're Dicks," which is a song that articulates their anti-authoritarian, individualistic philosophy and highlights their belief in personal freedom. I'll warn you right now that the language is a bit coarse, but if you can handle that, the song is simply splendid.

With an album this awesome, the cover art isn't really critical, but it's a nice bonus that this is a pretty sharp design, all things considered. The composition is a bit static because it's symmetrical, but the use of color is remarkably vibrant for a thrash record in 1991, and I really like the illustration style on the hands.

10/10 bloody axes

The Shore (1995)
Hey, nobody bats 1.000, right? Even the best bands fall short sometimes, and unfortunately Forced Entry is no exception. This isn't bad, but like Uncertain Future, it just isn't that awesome in comparison to As Above, So Below. Like a lot of thrash bands, they tried to slow things down and did a little of the groove metal thing, and nobody wanted that to happen. Leave that to Pantera, the masters of power groove. Forced Entry did it pretty well, all things considered, but it's just not what you came for, you know? I give them a pass on this EP because it doesn't suck, but I wouldn't encourage you to seek it out (and it's really hard to find).

5/10 bloody axes

Cassettes I owned in 1992

As most readers know, all of the Inquisitors are big fans of cassettes. It just seems like the natural format for genres like thrash, generic death metal, and crossover. I mean, can you imagine listening to Master or Desultory on vinyl or CD? Of course not! These days I'm more likely to listen to Forever The Sickest Kids or Miley Cyrus remixes, but here are some cassettes that I owned in 1992, for better or worse.



The Accused - Grinning Like An Undertaker
The Accused had pretty much the perfect formula for getting a 14 year old kid stoked. You could put the poster of the infinitely detailed monster from the album cover on your wall and bounce around your room moshing to the mosh parts and thrashing to the thrash parts, then go see them at some crappy VFW hall and get high in the parking lot with them before the show. What could be better?! Although this record had that regrettable rap song on it (I chalk that one up to signing with Nastymix), it is overall their most consistent release, including some of their best songs like the title track, "Tapping The Vein," and "When I Was A Child." They were one of the first bands where it really wouldn't be possible to classify them as punk or metal. I liked that a lot as a kid since I didn't feel comfortable in either scene, and I liked them even more since they were a local band. Too bad Tommy ruined the band by quitting to start Gruntruck, who were absolutely awful.



Forced Entry - As Above, So Below
As a youngster growing up near Seattle, I was fortunate enough to see Forced Entry many, many times. I won't be "that guy" who goes on and on about the old days, but I will say that one of the most memorable shows I ever went to was Forced Entry and The Accused for free at the amphitheater under the Space Needle, I think it was 91 or 92. It was the day they filmed the video for "Macrocosm, Microcosm," and I'm pretty sure I'm in the video for a split second- I was wearing a black and white plaid shirt, buttoned at the top in my best Mike Muir impression.

Anyhow, their brand of technical thrash was really ahead of its time, and in my opinion still sounds great. They were definitely white trash retards, like everybody else from Mountlake Terrace back then (these days it's much fancier than it was at the time), but their music was much more cerebral and avant garde than their peers. They weren't a bunch of faggoty eggheads, though- they knew how to fuckin' party!! In case you didn't believe them, they proved it with their version of one of the best elements of thrash: the goofy party song (Exodus were good at this too). Forced Entry had not one, but TWO of these on "As Above, So Below": "We're Dicks" and "How I Spent My Summer Vacation," both of which had awesomely retarded lyrics about bongs, blowjobs, and booze.

I could go on about Forced Entry for a long, long time. For example, I could talk about how Brad Hull almost got to be the replacement for James Hetfield when he got burned (he got beat out by the dude from fellow Seattle band Metal Church), how jealous I was that my friend in Himsa got to skate on the singer's ramp back at Brier High, but I'll leave it at that. If you are a fan of weird, angular thrash like Voivod or Coroner, or even progressive death metal like Broken Hope or Oppressor, do yourself a favor and check this album out.

Biohazard - Urban Discipline
We have already discussed Biohazard extensively on Metal Inquisition, so I won't repeat it. Suffice to say that, as one of our readers commented, this album and its accompanying videos were indeed a wiggerish arm movements instructional video, and I loved it!



DRI - Thrash Zone
My friend Kevin gave this to me in gym class in 1990. He said "Here, you can have this, it's too thrash metal for me." His favorite bands were Bad Religion and Red Hot Chili Peppers, although now he plays in western swing bands. I had only seen the video for "Suit And Tie Guy" on a Seattle-area show called Bombshelter Videos, but I knew I was in for a treat! This album is a chopaholic's dream come true: every song goes "chop chop choppa choppa chop" like a well-tuned machine. Also, it's a little funny that DRI pioneered the concept of short songs, yet succumbed to the common 80s practice of making their songs way, way, way too fucking long on this album. I mean who really needs five goddamn minutes of songs like "Gun Control" and "Abduction"? Nonetheless, "Thrashard" is without a doubt one of the best crossover songs ever written and if there was an Academy Award for retarded punk lyrics, it would most certainly win! It was one of the highlights of my life to sing this verse with half a dozen people on a boat before Lucho Metales' bachelor party a couple of years ago:

Thrashing and slamming
Like hell in the pit
Tomorrow they know
May not come
Banging and moshing
Like they don't give a shit
To the rapid beat
Of the drum

A boot to your forehead
A knee in your face
Your nose and lips
Start to bleed
Like a wild Indian
From outer space
Drunk and
High on weed

Your turn
What were your favorite cassettes in 1992? Don't cheat and list stuff you had on vinyl or CD!!

Rock and Roll never die: My glam favorites

As much as I love wigger slam, glam might be my second favorite genre of metal. When I was 20 or so, I had a glam phase that lasted a few years and I got pretty into this stuff, and I still jam it on the regular. The way I see, there are two kinds of glam: the harder-edged, less melodic stuff like, say Whitesnake, Bulletboys or Hurricane, and the super poppy, bubblegum style as popularized by Poison- basically the Archies with big hair. I definitely prefer the bubblegum side of things, although I'll put on some Badlands now and then for a change of pace.

Anyhow, here are a few of my favorites- I'll skip the obvious stuff like Crue, Kix, and 18 Visions. Some of you fossils know a lot of this stuff I'm sure, so please chime in with your favorites! Also, did you ever notice that Mark McGrath is wearing a Circle Jerks shirt at the beginning of the video for "Answer the Phone" by Sugar Ray? I love that song.

PBF then...

...and now. Which is worse? You be the judge.

Pretty Boy Floyd
Let's start with the best. In my opinion PBF were the finest of all the glam bands, but they came just a bit too late to make it. They essentially took the Poison formula and, like Boyz II Men, smoothed it out on the pop tip and perfected the bubblegum glam style. In much the same way as the Japanese are the masters of taking some Western idea, hyper-stylizing it to the Nth degree, and spitting it back out, PBF were the absolute peak of huge hair, huge hooks, and awesome image. Unfortunately, they are still together, only they're all old and fat. And whatever you do, don't watch Kristy Majors' video for his solo stuff. It will make you cry and slit your wrists. 40 year old men aren't supposed to shop in the girls' section of Hot Topic (although I have to admit, the chorus is pretty fucking awesome). On the other hand, Steve Summers' post-PBF band Shameless were excellent and substantially less embarrassing.





Tuff
To me, Tuff were the ultimate poor man's Crue (along with Vain, but they weren't nearly as good). They tried so, so hard to make it, but just couldn't ever break out of the pages of Metal Edge and into the big time. It's probably because they were extremely generic and the singer looked like Jamie Presley, but they had their moments. Although they were best known for their single "I Hate Kissing You Goodbye," I love "All New Generation," in which they tell the story of rock and roll's evolution from Elvis to the in-your-face antics of today's outrageous glam bands. It's hard to believe, but in spite of their outrageous appearance, Tuff were just a bunch of hard working boys from Arizona that wanted to play rock and roll like their heros.



Vixen
Just so you guys know the ladies can fuckin' rock too!! In case you don't believe me, just put in a Vixen tape. They were the perfect blend of leather and lace: hot as shit, but just a little bit vulnerable too. They'd break your heart in a second, but if you could get past that tough exterior, you just might fall in love!! To me, they were like the cleaned up version of Lita Ford. Lita was the white trash chick down the street that would blow you on the first date if you drove a Firebird. She was super hot in an "open for business" kind of way, but not really that great looking and definitely not the kind of chick you'd want to bring home to mom and dad. Vixen, on the other hand, were edgy, but you could tell they were good girls underneath all that makeup and hair, and that they were only acting tough because they'd been hurt so many times- if you could just get through to them, they'd be true to you forever! Here is "The Edge of a Broken Heart," written by Richard Marx.



Vinnie Vincent
I worked at OfficeMax when I was 18 or something, and I met this guy who used to manage Vinnie Vincent. Needless to say, I asked him tons of retarded questions. He was cool and took it all in stride even though I'm sure I was incredibly annoying. Anyway, Vinnie was second only to Michael Angelo in terms of balls out shredding and looking like a transvestite prostitute. Mark Slaughter's vocals were the perfect complement to Vinnie's fretboard masturbation, although he really came into his own in Slaughter- if the chorus to "Fly To The Angels" doesn't put a lump in your throat, you're dead to me!! What a heartbreaking tribute to a fallen cherub!!



Nitro
Let's be perfectly clear: If you don't like Nitro, you're not my fucking friend. Obviously Nitro are completely ridiculous, but I 100% non-ironically love this band as Skullkrusher and Lucho Metales can attest to. They had the biggest hair, the highest screams, the fastest solos, and the sickest riffs. I can listen to "OFR" a million times in a row. Also, the liner notes and lyrics are priceless, like the note that admonishes "DRUGZ R 4 DUMBFUKKS, DON'T BE A DUMBFUKK." Everything about the band is totally absurd, but their songwriting is fucking awesome and the retarded lyrics just make me love them than much more.

For bonus laughs, check out drummer Bobby Rock's erotic stories and vegan bodybuilding tips. If there is a bigger tool on the face of the earth, I haven't come across him- Bobby Rock makes Vinnie Paul seems positively dignified.




Ugly Kid Joe
As many of you will surely know, UKJ's name is a parody of Pretty Boy Floyd. Now I know what you're thinking- UKJ aren't so much glam as just generic hard rock/lite metal. And you would be right, because as they say in my favorite song, "Whiplash Liquor," "We ain't glam and we ain't thrash, just suburban white alcoholic trash."

Required attire for listening to As Ugly As They Wanna Be

I am also guessing that out of all the hated bands I have posted in this blog, Ugly Kid Joe is perhaps the most hated and least credible. But your opinions mean nothing to me. If you don't like Ugly Kid Joe, you are a fool and should throw yourself on a sword because you obviously do not like to fucking party. You clearly love misery. Unlike you, I avoid misery, which is why I listen to Ugly Kid Joe, Scatterbrain, 311 and Sublime as much as possible.

Sometimes you just want to chillax, so you jam something fun like "America's Least Wanted" and it takes you back to the good old days of Stussy shirts, Baja jackets, and slap bass. It is like a time machine that will instantly transport you back to the days when you spent your after school hours hanging out behind a 7-11 or a gas station smoking pot, listening to the black album, and trying to slouch your Starter jacket in the raddest possible way. It's hard to find anything wrong with Ugly Kid Joe (as long as you forget about when Whitfield Crane joined Life of Agony).