Where are they now: Girl from Danzig's "Mother" video

If you were anything like me during the early 90's, you probably stayed up every saturday night to watch Headbanger's Ball. Sure, they mostly played Trixter and LA Guns videos...but once a while a gem would come up. Around 1990 or so, the best you could hope for was Anthrax or maybe Danzig. For my money, the Mother video was about the best one they could show. While other metal videos were filled with nothing but shirtless dudes, Danzig knew his fan base and always put semi-decent chicks in his videos. "Mother" was a prime example of this. Although I never found the two girls to be all that great looking, I often wonder where they are these days. Were they low-level porno actresses who still live in a lair under Danzig's house? Were they Eerie Von's cousins from Indiana? The ones that were willing to do anything in order to make it in Hollywood, and now work at diaper factory Bakersfield? Well, thanks to Metal Inquisition, you don't have to wonder anymore. I happened upon a video of a woman dancing to the famed song here, and quickly figured out who she was. That's right...she's still alive. Barely. She's still dancing to "Mother" too. Her face also looks like it caught on fire, and the fire was put out with soccer cleats. Watch and learn:




Aside from dancing to Mother, she takes requests and will dance to your band's music. She'll also show up to your band's show (if your band is a Pearl Jam cover band) and dance awkwardly on stage while people cringe.




Oh, and did I mention that she believes Glenn Danzig put a curse on her during the taping of the video?




While I believe that the videos above answer many questions that have always surrounded the Mother video, many are still unanswered. For example: Why is Glenn's mouth always triangular in shape?



Also, what was that thing that was on fire supposed to be? A torch? Glenn's fist?



I guess we'll never know.

Metal Chicks - The good, the bad, but mostly the ugly

When I was a young teenager and my hormones were moshing through my blood to the beat of Exodus' "Pleasures of the Flesh", I never thought I'd ever score with a metal chick. They were very rare creatures back then and usually went for the older dudes who smoked Marlboro reds and wore Motley Crue shirts. Even with my razor blade earring, a short whimpy dude with a mullet, a Slayer shirt and no game, just didn't stand a chance. I thought I was condemned to a life of jerkin' it to pictures of Lita Ford and Doro Pesch (and of course Tracy Lords and Ginger Lynn). As years went by, I got more confidence and by the early 90s (with more girls into metal) my options multiplied ten-fold. Imagine my ecstasy when I finally landed a GF my senior year in high school. She wore a Testament shirt and owned a Benediction cassette! At the time there was no hotter chick. She was the queen of our loser metal circle and she was going out with me. She wasn't with Tiger, the drummer for a horrible local thrash band who drove a pick-up truck with a Metallica sticker on the back window. No, sir! She was my GF and all I drove was my moms' 1986 Subaru! She thought my Jason Newsted haircut was awesome and would actually request Napalm Death on my mom's car stereo when we made out in the parking lot of the middle school at night. I lost my virginity to this Metal Goddess (on the back-seat of the Subaru). Of course, our love didn't last. I moved after graduating and that was it. I never even knew her last name. I have not seriously dated any other metal chicks since. I did play Unleashed while fucking some girl in college once and I still try to play Dystopia while getting busy as often as possible, but it's just not the the same, you know?. Those 3 months were the only times in my pathetic life I actually lived the dream. For 3 glorious months I had a hot metal chick. Of course I look at photos of her now and she was pretty skanky.

These days I exclusively date really hot girls (follow my Twitter for proof), so that means none of my ladies are into metal. The hesher stereotype of a metal fan is like fucking kryptonite to hot ladies. It's a fact: super hot chicks, don't like metal. Of course, I'm not saying all metal girls are porkers, but do you think Jessica Alba knows or gives a shit who Trey Azagthoth is? I never tell chicks that I like metal, much less that I write for this shitty blog. I don't give a shit about scene points. I just wanna get my knob polished and, maybe, a ride on the meat-coaster.

Still, there's a small part of me that longs for a hot metal chick... I think about it from time to time. So, I decided to look into metal chicks again and see what (if anything) I'd been missing. Let's start with my long lost past...

LITA FORD / JOAN JETT

God, these girls were SO fucking hot. For a barley pubescent boy into Kiss and Iron Maiden, a band like The Runaways was the only thing better than my sister's Wet'n'Wild bathing suit catalog. To this day, this picture gets my crank going. Even though I now think this is the hottest Lita Ford ever looked, back then I thought she looked a little plain, and I loved glammed-up Lita better. And sure, now I realize Joan Jett looked like Freddy Mercury, but at the time Joan Jett was a wet dream come true. Well, not really "wet", since my boys weren't really swimming yet, but you know what I mean.

Joan Jett has even aged well. I'd hit that! Not so much with Lita Ford. She looks like the lady in the flea market that sells Indian dream catchers... I'll pass, thanks.

DORO PESCH

I'd never heard Warlock as a kid, but that didn't stop me from hanging a poster of Doro on my bedroom wall as I fantasized about what I'd do to her if I ran into her in the woods in Germany while listening to Running Wild on my walkman. Doro was not hot at all, but the leather pants and metal look was too much for my naive testosterone-filled body, and plenty of chubbies were popped. I still haven't heard (nor care to) Warlock or any of her subsequent stuff, but somehow I know I'm not missing much at all. Talking about not missing much, if Doro wasn't much back then, she sure ain't shit now.

Girl, you went from singing in a band called Warlock to looking like one.

Harry Potter was right to be scared of you, Voldemort!

VIXEN

Again, I've never heard Vixen and I'm pretty fucking sure I don't want to, but in 1988 they were the object of my adoration. Dude, their drums were shaped like a motorcycle! I now realize they weren't all that and that they sorta look like Angela Bauer, but I was young, and like I said, my metal chicks options were limited. Here's another bunch of gals to whom the years have not been kind.

Ouch. This looks like the Knox County Thursday-night knitting and bridge club.

OTHER "HOT" CHICKS FROM THE 80's

The Great Kat... Yeah, she was never really hot. Ever. She was just fucking trashy and creepy... see this.

I was told there was 2 chicks in Madam X, but I can't tell which is which.

Just as with the image above, I can't tell who in Girlschool is a dude and who's just an ugly broad!

CYCLE SLUTS FROM HELL

Around the early 90's Headbanger's Ball introduced me the CSFH. I'm sure without the make-up and denim vests these girls were average cows, but nothing made my tadpole splash like the "I Wish You Were a Beer" video on Saturday nights.

JO BENCH

Of all the girls featured on this post, Jo Bench is the only one I still have a crush on. Maybe it's cuz I still listen to Bolt Thrower, or because I think girls with British accents are hot. In person, she's prolly pretty nasty, but Jo can sit on my Bench whenever she wants to.

MYTHIC

I saw Mythic live a loooooong time ago and let me tell you, they were NOT hot. Still, a lady wearing a Morgoth long sleeve has a way of getting under my skin. If you wanna know how Sergeant D feels about these ladies (and Nuclear Death), click here.

DEMONOMACY

I had both of these ladies' demos and even saw them live once, while living in Miami in the early 1990s. They were sloppy at best and musically, as repetitive and generic as any Florida band back then. Even from this blurry and dark picture we can make out that they were no models, but they were in a Death Metal band and when I was 17, that's the only thing that mattered.

A FEW FINAL NOTES:

Listen, not all the ladies mentioned above may be Playboy material (most aren't even good enough for Amateur Allure, actually), but at least they were fucking born before "Live After Death" came out. This dumb Miley Cyrus retarded-ass-whore dares wear this Maiden tee? Seriously? I want to punch her in her ribs. And set her hair on fire.

We know Black Metal dudes look like douche bags, but BM girls are WAY worse. BM girls are just pathetic, sad and plain gross.

Listen guys, the fact is that we all want a hot metal chick like what's her face from Lacuna Coil, but we have to face it: most metal girls were plain ugly.

"I totally hung out with that dude!"

Glen Benton shows these amateurs how to hold an imaginary, highly evil grapefruit.
(Please note that Glen is wearing a shirt with a swastika on it. A kid in my high school wore this shirt often. It features multiple one-armed Jesuses which make up the swastika. Just to let you know, I had to look up what the plural to "Jesus" is)

Back in 1991, my brother's friend showed me a picture of him and Steve Souza from Exodus hanging out. At the time, I thought Exodus were one of the coolest bands in the world (I hadn't heard their cover of "Lowrider" yet) and as a result, the concept of getting to meet Steve was beyond my wildest dreams. Overtime, I got a clue...but not before seeing other such pictures from multiple people, and having to endure the lengthy stories that usually go along with such pictures. "Man, David Vincent totally invited me into their bus and we hung out. It was awesome."

Looking around the internet, I was able to find many such pictures...fleeting moments in the lifes of different losers who thought this was such an important moment that it simply had to be documented photographically. Now I should tell you that I'm not completely above this, since I have pictures with both Glenn Danzig AND members of Unleashed, but I was like 14 then. These fools look like they should have known better. Let's take a closer look, and try to see things from the eyes of the low-level superstars that were photographed.

If you ever dreamed of being in a hugely succesful band for the sake of getting ladies, think again. For nearly three decades Steve Harris has been chin-deep in an ocean of fat turds who look like this lady. Rose-tinted Sally Jesse Raphael glasses? Check. Peg Bundy approved ensamble? Check. A depressed Steve Harris wondering if he would be getting higher quality poon had he stayed working at the oil change place? Check.

Never has the gap between performer and fan been more obvious. While one individual rocks out on his reverse-headstock axe, the other is wearing David Koresh safety glasses, and has such large teeth that his lips can't contain them. One guy is wearing the latest denim tanktop, the other takes great pride in his Kiss patch and Monchichi haircut.


Anyone who knows me will tell you that I HATE shirts with stretched out necks, and the man cleavage they bring about. Simply seeing the two shirts in this picture is making me angry. With that out of the way, we can focus on more important things. Is that Charlie Benante holding an imaginary metal grapefruit? Look at Trevor's face...if that's not an expression of extreme excitement, I don't know what is. Can you imagine spending years in your room learning how to play the guitar and practicing in order to meet girls...then you end up in a band and it's guys like this that want pictures with you? Jesus...you'd be depressed too.


Why does James look so upset? Because if the whole "my lifestyle determines my deathstyle" line turns out to be true, his death will consist of hugging a balding Euro.




When even a douche like James Heatfield is so repulsed by you that he barely agrees to be in a picture with you, you know you've hit an all time low. Why? One word. Neckerchief.




Nothing says "rock" quite like a white, Miami Vice sport coat. Based on this picture, you would assume that the looser with the chipmunk teeth and horrible facial hair is the biggest looser in the bunch. You'd be wrong. Remember that Richie Sambora is now the size of an oil tanker and has to put up with Heather Locklear (who is herself roughly as old as the american constitution) and her kids.* Ooof.

*Information courtesy of US Weekly




Unlike the other pictures, this one at least features two guys that had something in common and could carry on a lengthy conversation as a result. The topic? Rogaine. Why did Kirk make that face you ask? He was simply brushing off the last bits of remaining self worth off his shoulder.




Are you one of these idiots that wants to go back in time to the heyday of thrash metal? Do you miss how things were before Metallica put out the black album? Think again. This is what it was really like. Back then, it was all about guys in Def Lepard shirts and daisy duke shorts, as well as ladies wearing fuchsia spandex pants which reveal a physique that looks like bags of guacamole that were left out in the sun. Oh, and don't forget a lady that looks like your aunt Martha posing with an unenthusiastic James Hetfield. If I were you, I'd put the keys to the Nocturnus time machine down right now. Don't waste the trip.



Look at poor James' face...that's the look of a guy that just realized that this is the best looking lady he'll be able to take back to the hotel room tonight. After another full night spent at the meet-and-greet tent, and it has once again come down to this.... a gender neutral being with pink-tinted welding goggles. Come on, you'd be bummed too.




Why is Kirk wearing gloves? If you had to touch a fat version of Sally Jesse Raphael whose entire body is filled with gravy, you'd wear gloves too.



Jason is saying "I now present to you yet another douche with a neckerchief, and huge glases which make him look like a Greyhound bus." Because I'm a classy guy, I will make no mention of Jason's horrific sideburns.


Closing Note:
Throughout this post I have spelled the last name of Metallica's singer in different ways. I'll be damned if I'm going to look it up on the Googles to figure out the correct spelling. Does it even matter? Answer: No.

The Mortiis Toejob*

When he's not busy making shitty music, Morttis enjoys worshipping feet.

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't get foot fetishes. Sure, I can appreciate a nice pair of feet, but my appreciation ends at "hey, nice feet," before moving on to a much more interesting body part, like the ass. I've never gotten a boner from looking at someone's feet, I've never sucked on anyone's toes (okay, maybe once, but I was really drunk!), and I certainly don't want to be jerked off by someone's feet. Mortiis, on the other hand, is a bonda fide foot fanatic.

If you're as ugly as Mortiis is (I think the elf makeup and prosthetics is actually an improvement over his real face) you take what you can get. In this case, all he could get was a fat, ugly pig by the name of Sarah Jezebel Deva. Sarah is a backup singer for Cradle of Filth (I didn't even KNOW Cradle of Filth had backup singers!?) and lead singer for her own shitty band, Angtoria. Well, apparently things got a little hot and heavy one day while on tour and Mortiis just could not contain himself. He simply HAD to have Sarah's chubby, callused toes in his mouth. Sarah was kind enough to bless the world with the following photograph of Mortiis caught in the act, knuckle deep.

This has got to be the most disturbing thing ever posted on Metal Inquisition.

Judging from the caption, Sarah's command of the English language is equal to that of your average teenager. Pretty sad when you consider she's 31 years old. Using "u" instead of "you," adding unnecessary apostrophes, misspelling common words, using "cos" instead of "because," and using excessive punctuation. As if you couldn't already tell just by looking at a picture of her that Sarah is retarded. Not to mention the fact that the caption itself is so fucking vile it makes my stomach turn. The thought of sucking on Sarah's pudgy, sweaty toes after a day of walking around London in the blazing sun makes suicide sound like a pleasant idea. There isn't enough alcohol on Earth to get me to put those toes in my mouth.

As for the authenticity of this photo, I'm no photography expert, but all of my internet detective work points to it being real. Same horrific face, same shitty tattoos. You be the judge!

*Thanks to reader Darley Green for the story!

Metal Inquisition wishes all of you a Heavy Christmas

In the words of 220 Volt, we wish you a heavy Christmas. From all of us, to all of you.

We hope baby Jesus brings you all the gifts you asked for. In the case of our beloved Metal Inquisition receptionist Dorothy, that meant a case of Bud Light. Don't drink it all at once Dorothy!

Dorothy, our hard working administrative assistant and receptionist. When you call our 1-800 number, this is the lovely lady that will greet you at the other end of the line.

Twisted Sister: Leaders of the Wack Pack

So, we all know what tools Twisted Sister were/are, correct? In case you forgot, peep the video of their version of "Leader of the Pack".



The Shangri-Las probably never saw this video and thank God! There's only one thing sadder than Dee Snyder wearing a white leather jacket with fringe and that is a bunch of 80's glam "dudes" chanting "Yeah, we see", "Down, down" and "New, new."

I know they didn't exactly take the song or the video seriously, but these guys were retarded clowns, period. Dude, they wear sunglasses at night. I've hit dudes for doing that in bars in Brooklyn!

I know, of course, there will be the usual poser fags who will claim that TS was awesome and influential and God knows what other stupid shit, BUT let me remind you: This is Metal Inquisition, not Lame-Ass-Poser Inquisition. If you want to talk about TS and their make-up and shitty riffs or any other glam band, you should go here.

You're gonna tell me that these assfucks look like metal dudes? If you think this is metal, you need to pop in the 'Reign in Blood' cassette in your walkman, set it to auto-reverse and crank the fucker to 11.

A few more things that made me chuckle when watching this piece of garbage:

- Mr. Spock poster in the girls room.
- Cameo by Bobcat Goldthwait.
- One of the dudes is really short and looks hilarious standing next to the others.

The one thing i do find cool is the matching denim vests. I'm gonna buy some for the MI staff and we'll be as cool as these gents.

Kane Roberts: Renaissance Man Extraordinaire

Are you shitting me? I could (and maybe should) do a whole post on this cover. Did you notice the 'KANE' letters are on fire? They are on fire, man! And the helicopter is obviously looking for him 'cuz everyone knows it's illegal to attach bottle caps to your leather pants.

Well, Kane Roberts is the infamous Alice Cooper axe-man better known as "The douche with the machine-gun guitar who tries to look like Rambo." What most may not know is that Kane (real name Robert William) is a multi-talented Renaissance Man. This fucker is also an artist AND a video game designer! I hate "video game designers." There's something about that title that enrages me. I'm not sure what it is... maybe the fact that 80% of the people who claim to be "video game designers" are just fat losers waiting to die from a diabetic seizure induced by an over consumption of Jolt Cola, who think they are better than everyone in their on-line community 'cuz they can write 3 lines of code in their 'puter in their parents basement and read an on-line tutorial on texture mapping. (I know that was a run-on sentence, but it's OK 'cuz it's a pretty bad-ass diatribe). OK, back to Kane: His "art" is illustrated below. It's SO FUCKING TERRIBLE, I don't know where to start, so I'll make no comment and let the images "speak for themselves." Try not to choke on your saliva when LOLing.




Here's a few other images I came across during the research phase of the post:

Alice: "I hate you, Mom.. I'll kill you!" - Kane: "Me have big biceps."

The lamest/awesomest guitar store in the world. Is that a guitar in the shape of a priest in the back?

Teens in Sweden LOVE a buff dude with feather earrings and Sigourney Weaver doo. Seriously, do you know how much fresh poon I got in Uppsala last time I was there

King Diamond: King of YouTube

My heart got crushed a lot as a kid. First there was no Santa, no Easter Bunny and no Tooth Fairy. Then I discovered that, to my dismay, King Diamond wasn't really the scary monster I thought (and hoped) he was. Man, I used to be scared of him, no joke! We had a Metal Hammer poster on the wall of our room and I didn't look at it at night, 'cuz it used to creep me the fuck out. "Them" is a scary-ass record and the videos weren't really light either. OK, so the band members were pretty glammy-faggy and definitely not scary, but you know what I mean.
As I grew older the fantasy began to dwindle. We (Lucho Metales and I) have talked a lot on MI about various meetings with the Danish Dwarf and how he's as scary as a plate of under-cooked strawberry pancakes. Sadly, these days KD occupies a place in my life which he shares with Carlton Banks, pogs and Thrasher Magazine. You know, those things that make you smirk to yourself when you think about them. Sorry, Speegster, KD is a bit of a joke...



This one is pretty funny. Of course, I'd done a way better job, but I did chuckle a few times. Who knew that the youngsters could be sarcastically funny like this?



Sure, this chick is ugly and has a terrible voice, but something about this video makes want me want to bend her over and record a few intros for a MeatShits 7".



This one has gotten around a bit... I can't tell if the teen on the left is a dude or an ugly broad. All in all, tho, I have to admit I think this video is pretty rad. Here's a quote from Blabbermouth about the clip (thanks, Seth):
In a statement released to BLABBERMOUTH.NET, King Diamond, who saw the clip for the first time earlier this week, said, "OH MY GOD!!!! That just blew me away!!!! Absolutely 200% AWESOME! I [have always said that] we have the best fans in the world! It's so hilarious and at the same time it really makes me feel so honored seeing the level of dedication and how much our fans get out of our music!!"



Best for last. Remember a band named Metallica? Yeah, they were awesome. This video illustrates two theories of mine: King Diamond is a tool and Metallica used to be awesome dorky fun-loving guys, before they became rock-star prick-fucker looser righ-wing assbags.