King Diamond: King of YouTube

My heart got crushed a lot as a kid. First there was no Santa, no Easter Bunny and no Tooth Fairy. Then I discovered that, to my dismay, King Diamond wasn't really the scary monster I thought (and hoped) he was. Man, I used to be scared of him, no joke! We had a Metal Hammer poster on the wall of our room and I didn't look at it at night, 'cuz it used to creep me the fuck out. "Them" is a scary-ass record and the videos weren't really light either. OK, so the band members were pretty glammy-faggy and definitely not scary, but you know what I mean.
As I grew older the fantasy began to dwindle. We (Lucho Metales and I) have talked a lot on MI about various meetings with the Danish Dwarf and how he's as scary as a plate of under-cooked strawberry pancakes. Sadly, these days KD occupies a place in my life which he shares with Carlton Banks, pogs and Thrasher Magazine. You know, those things that make you smirk to yourself when you think about them. Sorry, Speegster, KD is a bit of a joke...



This one is pretty funny. Of course, I'd done a way better job, but I did chuckle a few times. Who knew that the youngsters could be sarcastically funny like this?



Sure, this chick is ugly and has a terrible voice, but something about this video makes want me want to bend her over and record a few intros for a MeatShits 7".



This one has gotten around a bit... I can't tell if the teen on the left is a dude or an ugly broad. All in all, tho, I have to admit I think this video is pretty rad. Here's a quote from Blabbermouth about the clip (thanks, Seth):
In a statement released to BLABBERMOUTH.NET, King Diamond, who saw the clip for the first time earlier this week, said, "OH MY GOD!!!! That just blew me away!!!! Absolutely 200% AWESOME! I [have always said that] we have the best fans in the world! It's so hilarious and at the same time it really makes me feel so honored seeing the level of dedication and how much our fans get out of our music!!"



Best for last. Remember a band named Metallica? Yeah, they were awesome. This video illustrates two theories of mine: King Diamond is a tool and Metallica used to be awesome dorky fun-loving guys, before they became rock-star prick-fucker looser righ-wing assbags.

Speculation (of the Wicked)

Every so often you come across an image, be it a painting, drawing or a photograph, that is so captivating in its sense of expression that you are left speechless.

Think of the first time you saw an image of Edvard Munch's The Scream. It is truly an intriguing image that has the ability to create a feeling of awe. What is happening to this figure? What is with that expression? What is he viewing out of our line of site that is instilling him with this emotion?

In a similar manner, I feel that same wonder when I gaze upon this image. What is this chubby tub of black metal fury laughing at?



Here are my theories, please feel free to add your own.

1. His tests came back negative. He is loving life.

2. It is his birthday and he is excited because up front he sees his girlfriend walking towards the stage with a Dairy Queen ice cream cake. He is so overwhelmed with happiness at the thoughtfulness of this gesture he can't help but express his joy!

3. He is a real jokester AND he just farted. He is looking forward to hearing the "awwwwwww...man" coming from Mr. Grumpy Guitar. That dude can never take a joke, which is why he wears a frowny face.

4. Someone is flashing his balls. He loves lowbrow humor.

5. He is not in a black metal warrior at all, maybe this is a halloween show and this is a death metal band. Perhaps he is laughing because he realizes how absurd it is to be in a black metal band.

Regardless of all this, if you know what this is actually from please keep it to yourself. Don't ruin my fun.