Introducing: Budget Italian Power Metal

A gregarious bunch of leather daddies or a budget Italian power metal band? You decide!

I know that making fun of Italian metal is easy. It's like when the two inbred main characters have sex with the retarded girl in Gummo. It's almost too easy, but I just can't help myself. See, a while back the Sarge introduced us to the world of budget slam metal, perhaps best exemplified by Artery Eruption, and now I'd like to introduce you to the kings of budget Italian power metal--Kaledon. These Roman warriors have displayed an undying allegiance to all things lo-fi and low-budget that has left them unchallenged atop the steaming pile of shit that is budget Italian power metal.



Here we see the crowd (all two of them) going wild as Kaledon performs their smash hit "Spirit of the Dragon." A force of nature, Kaledon is best experienced live as the sheer sonic force of their performances have been credited with causing at least a half dozen suicides across the Lazio region.



This reminds me of the kind of picture I would expect to see hanging up in the dining room of any number of my Italian family members. You see Italian dining rooms are not actually meant for dining, they're more for show. That's where you display all the wonderful useless shit you got at your wedding 30 years ago like your gigantic china closet filled with fine china you never use--you know, the good stuff--along with your crystal and your special silverware (the kind that's actually made of silver). You'll usually also find an enormous dining table covered in a gawdy white lace tablecloth some grandmother spent a lifetime making. If your Italian family is anything like mine then the dining table chairs are probably hermetically sealed in plastic and will never be exposed to the elements. And no matter how big of a loser he may be, an Italian mother will always be proud of her son because he is her pride and joy and so she will have several photo albums worth of embarassing pictures of him and she will gladly display a picture from his first communion right next to the picture he took with his friends out near the Roman Aqueduct while dressed like a gang of child molesting Renaissance fairies in a gigantic gold plated frame. Mama is especially proud of that 12 inch boner you're smuggling in your leather pants.



More often than not "serious musicians" are all business, but not the ragazzi of Kaledon! It's refreshing to see that the boys can just as easily spend a day relaxing in the studio, joking around and having a good time instead of spending hours carefully trimming their facial hair while their little sister repeatedly bangs on the bathroom door because she has to pee and dad yells to finish jerking off and get out of the bathroom because he has to take a shit.

One thing you could never accuse Kaledon of doing is progressing. Just look at the cover of their debut album, Legend of the Forgotten Reign - Chapter 1: The Destruction.



Now take a look at the cover of their most recent album, 2008's Legend of the Forgotten Reign - Chapter 5: A New Era Begins.



From the unforgettable amateur paintbrush to the utterly forgettable amateur computer illustration, Kaledon is never content to rest on their laurels. They've never let their complete and utter lack of talent stop them before so why start now?

I'd like to leave you with what I think is the most compelling piece of evidence in the case for Kaledon's budget Italian power metal supremacy--the music video for their hit single "The New Kingdom." I could spend days tearing apart every frame, but instead let me just point out how proud they are of their packages as we once again see a band member proudly displaying his manhood in his way-too-tight white linen pants. It's impossible not to notice the tremendously low production values of this video, but it's obvious that the men of Kaledon make up for what they lack financially with their boundless enthusiasm for their horrible music. It's hard not to admire that kind of dedication. Against all odds and good sense, Kaledon endures and to that I must say--forza, Kaledon!



As an added bonus for our Italian speaking readers enjoy this equally retarded parody video:

Metal Archeology: Artifacts from a lifetime devoted to metal (Part 4)

Archeologists from UNC Chapel Hill uncover my oversized copy of Convicted. Thanks, dudes! I've been looking for that!

Yeah, I know it was my brother Lucho who started the Archeology posts (part1, part2, part3), but to be fair, most of the digs were done in OUR mom's basement, so in a way, they are my posts, too. Anyway, last time I was there I dug through old Metal Hammer magazines and Blue Grape backpatches to find a small box of tapes. Let me share some of my finds...



Ordered off some local rag in the late 80's in Toledo, Ohio, this was the very first demo tape we ever owned. Undertaker were a terrible thrashy band with horrible production, a terrible cover and a song called "Sesame Street Mosh". What a treasure!



I've talked about Impetigo a lot on past posts. They are still one of my top 10 favorite bands of all times. I was SO amped when I got this in the mail from Mark! He told me he took the tape to practice specially to get it signed for me. I'm not sure if that was true or not, but I was the KING of the metal scene that day and this tape was my crown. A really lame, lame crown.



This find goes back to the 80's. I hope you find this as funny as I do. Back in the day, in South America, it was hard to get original tapes, so dubbed tapes were the norm. This guy in my class, Eduardo, went to Miami for the summer and brought back a bunch of metal tapes. Of course, I dubbed them all, walked to a near by pharmacy and photocopied all the covers. One of the tapes he brought back the summer of 1988 was Maiden's "Seventh Son." Not sure why I felt the need to use color pencils and a black ball-point in a sad attempt at make the cover look "real", but I'm glad I did. I was 13, what an idiot!



There's plenty more junk where these came from, so stay tuned and watch out for the next "Metal Archeology: Artifacts from a lifetime devoted to metal" post!

Sonic Violence: Metal's Answer To Right Said Fred

As we have stated here at M.I. before, the Hard N' Heavy Grindcore compilation was an extremely important landmark in the world of death metal. Not really. Still, that damn video continues to deliver joy every single time we watch it. Pretty amazing feat, since it was more than 15 years ago that each of us bought it at our local mall's Suncoast store.

Yes, the name of the video was largely incorrect ("Boring Death Metal To Fall Asleep To" would have been more accurate), the animation was laughable, and many of the bands were awful. But hey, you have to break some eggs to make an omelette. By far one of the greatest eggs to be broken in order for this great metal omelette was Sonic Violence. Many critics have argued that Cerebral Fix was the lowest point in the video, and perhaps those critics are right. But when it comes to sheer stupidity, musical madness, Right Said Fred-like fashion choices and extremely quotable content, Sonic Violence are the kings.


As you watch the video below, note that they have to use two bass players in order to replicate the heaviness of their prior bass player. Perhaps they should have looked into having one bass player use something a bit more substantial than a damn Peavy 2 x12! (Hence my use of the "budget metal" label.)

Kane Roberts: Renaissance Man Extraordinaire

Are you shitting me? I could (and maybe should) do a whole post on this cover. Did you notice the 'KANE' letters are on fire? They are on fire, man! And the helicopter is obviously looking for him 'cuz everyone knows it's illegal to attach bottle caps to your leather pants.

Well, Kane Roberts is the infamous Alice Cooper axe-man better known as "The douche with the machine-gun guitar who tries to look like Rambo." What most may not know is that Kane (real name Robert William) is a multi-talented Renaissance Man. This fucker is also an artist AND a video game designer! I hate "video game designers." There's something about that title that enrages me. I'm not sure what it is... maybe the fact that 80% of the people who claim to be "video game designers" are just fat losers waiting to die from a diabetic seizure induced by an over consumption of Jolt Cola, who think they are better than everyone in their on-line community 'cuz they can write 3 lines of code in their 'puter in their parents basement and read an on-line tutorial on texture mapping. (I know that was a run-on sentence, but it's OK 'cuz it's a pretty bad-ass diatribe). OK, back to Kane: His "art" is illustrated below. It's SO FUCKING TERRIBLE, I don't know where to start, so I'll make no comment and let the images "speak for themselves." Try not to choke on your saliva when LOLing.




Here's a few other images I came across during the research phase of the post:

Alice: "I hate you, Mom.. I'll kill you!" - Kane: "Me have big biceps."

The lamest/awesomest guitar store in the world. Is that a guitar in the shape of a priest in the back?

Teens in Sweden LOVE a buff dude with feather earrings and Sigourney Weaver doo. Seriously, do you know how much fresh poon I got in Uppsala last time I was there

Italians Don't Always Do It Better

What can I say about my people that hasn't already been said? The contributions of the Italian people in the areas of art, architecture, cinema, cuisine, literature, science, music, sports, among others, over the past two thousand years remain unmatched by any other peoples. One area, however, where Italians have failed to match other nations in terms of lasting output is heavy metal. Sure, there's a handful of legenday Italian metal bands (Bulldozer, Schizo, and Necrodeath, just to name a few), but compared to countries like Brazil, Germany, and Sweden they have a lot of catching up to do.



Which brings me to the mighty Death SS and this brain-melting video of theirs I found on YouTube. First though, a little history for our readers. Death SS were the first metal band to ever come out of Italy, formed way back in 1977 by Paul Chain (real name Paolo Catena) and Steve Sylvester (real name Stefano Silvestri) and inspired by their love of punk, heavy metal, and old horror movies. Chain conceived of the name (supposedly the SS is an homage to the punk spirit and has nothing to do with Nazism, uh... okay) and Sylvester came up with the idea of each band member dressing like a horror movie character--a vampire on vocals, death and a zombie on guitars, a mummy on bass, and a werewolf on drums. Kind of a brilliant idea, if you ask me. Their sound, described as "horror music" by the band, is a mix of classic heavy metal, doom, and thrash. Sylvester eventually left the group in 1982 and was replaced by some guy named Sanctis Ghoram who dressed as a Necromancer. In 1984, after recording their "Evil Metal" EP, Chain decided to disband Death SS. Foolishly, however, Chain neglected to copyright anything and in 1988 Sylvester reformed Death SS with new members and without Chain. The band has regrettably carried on in one form or another since then with Sylvester the only remaining original band member. Their costumes and music have only gotten more retarded over time and they now basically look and sound like a Marilyn Manson cover band:



But now for the real treat. This video is for the song "Kings of Evil" from Death SS's 1989 album Black Mass and what a video it is! Watching this video reminds me of the first time I drove down the strip in Las Vegas--total sensory overload. There's just so much going on that your brain can't process it all and eventually it just shuts down to keep from exploding. With this in mind, I'm going to try my best to break it all down for you, our loyal readers.



1. The Introduction: What the fuck is that I'm looking at? A screen shot from Castlevania? The 8-bit fire morphing into what looks like the face of the guy from Altered Beast and the scrolling band logo must have cost a cool 200,000 Lira (roughly equivalent to about $40). Keep in mind I speak Italian and I can't even make out what's being said, even though he's clearly speaking English. Cute band montage. A little shaky on the camera work though.

2. The Band Performance: Where do I begin? No, really. How about I begin with the buff, shirtless, hooded executioner dude just chillin' on the left side of the screen. He looks kind of bored. Doesn't he realize that by participating in this video he's being immortalized in metal history? I guess not. How about the band costumes though? Incredible! They look like a cross between Kiss and the Munsters (they're certainly no better looking) and they are rocking the fuck out! And it's all before a live studio audience! I have no idea where or when this was broadcast, but my guess is late at night on Rete 4 alongside phone sex ads. I can totally picture Steve Sylvester asking his little old grandmother (no doubt dressed in black from head to toe) to knit him that sweater and sew on that cape for Carnevale. A skull on the microphone stand? Could that be an homage to King Diamond's infamous microphone handle made of bones? Killer wooden crosses and giant cardboard cut-out logo hanging above the band. These guys must have been a huge influence on Mortuary Drape. Notice I haven't even said a word yet about the song itself? Yeah, I think it speaks for itself. Also, what's with that five seconds of the band posing with naked chicks before they abruptly cut to ten seconds of live concert footage at the end? So many questions, so little answers!