From Spain with love (Part 2)

In case you missed the first part of this post, you should know that two of Metal Inquistion's finest writers are going to Spain and Andorra, not to see some horrible metal festival, but to see the Tour De France as it makes it's way through those two countries. In celebration, we will now take a closer look at Spain's offerings and culture in the realm of metal.



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Sometimes, even kvlt black metal dudes have to put grimness aside and say "ehhh...fuck it, I need to get laid"



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When I see this picture, all I can think about is the fact that his mother still lovingly washes the skid marks out of his underwear.


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Many bands from Spain are merely fifth rate rip offs of more established shit bands. Want proof? Just look at Spanish shit-music pioneers Nu. Have you ever had the unfortunate luck of listening to Jethro Tull? If you have, then you've also heard these guys. Spanish lesson for today: How to say "the flute is the most phallic instrument ever, and all those who play the flute were probably molested as children", repeat after me class "La flauta es el instrumento mas falico del mundo, y todos los que tocan la flauta probablemente fueron abusados sexualmente cuando eran niños."


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This particular black metal band from Spain is really not trying hard enough. Just look at their ill-conceived stage props. Who could possibly hang themselves from a noose that is two feet off the floor?


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I can just imagine the email that the band members sent the "artist" who drew this cover. Once translated into English, it went a little something like this: "So the logo will totally be made of steel, and should have rivets! Don't forget the rivets, they are very important. From the logo, lightning should come down, and be hitting both the statue that we mentioned in our last email, but also the human heart that the guy will be holding on his right hand. Oh and by the way, please make sure that the guy holding the heart looks exactly like Dog The Bounty Hunter, and please make sure that his hands are permanently locked in an action figure-like kung-fu grip.





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I don't know which part to laugh at first, the perspective or the misshaped roulette wheel. Having said that, I have to say that I admire the artists' ability to render the creases in both fabrics and leather. This guy must have been trained by artistic master who gave the world the sublime rendering of drapes on the cover of Death Angel's Act III




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If your mom asks you to go cut down some of the weeds in the back yard, don't take it as a worthless chore. If you are truly committed to being grim, you should see it as an opportunity to be grim as fuck.




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In an attempt to bring Spain into this century, the police have been rounding up metal douchebags on a daily basis, and sterilizing them in order to prevent them from breeding. Although some are protesting that these round-ups reek of Franco-era tactics, I see them as being both unimportant, and unnecessary. Why spend tax payer's money sterilizing these individuals, when their denim vests already act as a kryptonite-like deterrant against all females?



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Vests in general are very useful. A life vest keeps you from drowning. A bullet proof vest keeps bullets away. A denim vest keeps women away.

Come on, you saw the joke coming from a mile away...but you still laughed. Admit it.

Metal Photo Analysis—A collection of metal photography from around the interweb (Part 2)

As this picture was taken, a father turned to his concerned wife during a quiet dinner and said the following:

"Oh, will you relax Estelle! Jason's just away at college having a good time, it's not like he's letting his friends crucify him upside-down in order to parade him around the dorm."

Please note that the guy getting crucified is wearing sandals, in order to make the whole thing that much more realistic. Bravo. Others would have just worn their white New Balance walking shoes and called it a day.



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Memo
To: Aspiring Teenage Black Metallers
From: Black Metal Governing Body (BMGB)
Re: Make-up

As the BMGB has stated before (see Memo #3651), the differences between the make-up required to be an evil black metaller, a mime, a juggalo and a clown may seem slight...but they are crucial. First, please remember to follow the very important 60-40 rule (roughly 60% must be black or white, with the remaining 40% being the other color) and remember not to pose in front of your grandma's floral drapes for band pictures. We admire your use of the "holding two evil grapefruits" pose, but we must also remind you that the use of top-hats is absolutely banned, and best left to 75 year old Jewish women like Alice Cooper. Thank you for your cooperation.

When you think about it, a clown like this way is actually way creepier and more evil than any black metal douche will ever be. Why? Because as this picture was taken he was on the phone, even though he was roaming....which will incur unbelievable roaming charges to be paid by his employer (who pays for his phone bill). Is that not evil? I think it is.

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This is what happens when you leave your pet black metal band out in the backyard while it's raining. The band gets all wet and sad-looking. Lesson learned? Bring your pet black metal band indoors before its plumage gets all droopy.

By the way, if I ever find the photographer who took this shot, I'm gonna' have a few words with him. Why on earth would he crop out the guy on the left (barely visible) who is clearly a pioneer in the arena of Victorian-Black Metal fashion? If there's one thing I love about pseudo black metal bands, it's their flair for mixing in dabs of victorian, goth and gay fashion in. These guys went ahead and brought in bridal fashion, pirate fashion and topped it off with a dark blue rain poncho. Amazing.



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1. Is that the tiny microphone that comes with Rock Band?
2. Laser hair removal. Look it up. I mean, who has hair on the underside of their forearms? This guy must be part monkey, or Italian. Oh, that's the same thing. Sorry.
3. Note the extremely straight, and perfect line in which his chest hair ends. Ugh.
4. Tasteful ceiling fan. I love its ornate, detailed body, with its Tuscan-inspired patina finish.




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I can't even begin to make fun of these guys. My brother and I would have willingly given up our thumbs to know dudes like this,and be their friends back in 1989. Come to think of it, I would still kill to be their friend today. The guy furthest to the right gets points deducted for not wearing high-tops (is he going to church or something?), but the rest of the dudes are pretty much the coolest guys I've ever seen. The only thing missing from the picture to make it the raddest dudes ever circa 1987-89? A skateboard.


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Could someone, anyone, send a memo to all black metal bands clearly outlining the delicate, yet obvious boundaries between evil attire, and S&M gay leather-bar gear? It's bad enough that teenagers are already wearing clown make-up thinking it's black metal...but this is ridiculous. The Black Metal Governing Body really has to get on this stuff, or black metal will become a joke. Wait, it already has.


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At first, you look at this picture and think there's little wrong with it. Then you look closer and see the following:
1. Police tape guitar strap. Why? Because his slap-bass skillz are KILLER!
2. Denim shorts? Really? Jesus, I thought that by the time a Will Farrell movie (Talladega Nights) made fun of something, everyone knew it was time to retire these things.
3. Mexican singer dude has fingerless gloves that say "love" and "hate" on the knuckles. Wearing these things is pretty much like wearing one of those bodysuits that makes it look like you have tattoos when you don't.



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I can't take credit for the Photoshop work on this one. I would have done a better job, and would never let the word "covering" be hyphenated. Still, it's pretty good. By the way, I thought we had all agreed on the "facial hair doesn't mix with black metal make-up" rule. No?


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God damn! Is there a "Turbo" button in the Japanese* psyche that allows them to take any element of a sub-culture to the extreme? If so, I want a "Turbo" button. Check out the names of the band members:

Freddy, Left Face of Maradou
The pseudo black metal equivalent of TLC's Lisa Left-Eye Lopez

Doris, Thunder Tears
Her name comes from the ongoing crying fits that are brought on when she's told that she's the only female member due to regulations in the world of pop black metal which clearly state that one member must be a female.

Dani, Azathothian Hands
Azathoth is a fictional character created by HP Lovecraft...I'm guessing he had way evil hands.

CJ, Dispersed Fingers
I guess his fingers are spread far apart or something? Is that evil? What's the deal with these guys being so obsessed with fingers and hands?

Su-Nung, The Bloody String
Yes, that's the guy's actual name. Here at M.I. we like to keep things classy. As such, we'll let the readers insert their own joke about tampons here.


Lastly, Check out the haircut on the guy standing on the top right of the picture. Remind you of anyone? He's like the Rachael of black metal


* Yes, it's been pointed out that Chthonic are actually from Taiwan...but saying they're from Japan is funnier.

Sweet Drum Set Man!

A round-up of some of the sweetest drum sets on the interweb.


Dude gets mad credit for rocking a vest. So many musicians have really let their stage presence go these days. Lastly, what's with all the wood paneling? Is he playing inside a sauna? Based on his looks, his band must have a concept album about molesting kids.




He was teased endlessly in school, but he knew that if he could only show them (the girls in particular) his one talent in life...it would all change. Talent show came, mom helped pack the ridiculous set, and all the carpet scraps, and the pink tambourine (by the hi-hat)...but nothing changed. Actually, things got worse. They laughed, and laughed and laughed. And they kept on laughing all the way to graduation day when (as he received his diploma) someone threw a pink tambourine at him, which knocked his glasses and remaining self-esteem off.





I like that metal guys aren't afraid of chair-rail height wallpaper borders, or tasteful window treatments. Oh, nice brass light fixture also. Very classy touch. Future societies will use pictures of guys like this (in homes like this) in textbooks in order to study what a quintessential creepy white dude was all about. In that textbook there will be at least one paragraph about how hesher's parents love dark green carpeting and matching drapes.




"Baby I can't clean the kitchen today, I told you I'm doing my photoshoot, that's why I need my nice sweatpants and boots. I told you about this a week ago! Jason's gonna' be here in twenty minutes to take the pictures. Also, where did you put my huge drumsticks? I need those baby! Come on!"




This guy is all about compromise. Stupid, huge kit...but nice Beatles/vintage finish on it. Similarly, he traded his balls to his wife to let her decorate the house like a godamned retirement home. She must have spent a fortune at the fake plant store.




For real, what is that tiny tambourine/roto-tom between his two center toms for? Is he playing in a Salsa/Death metal fusion band that he needs FOUR timbales? Note the black cymbal on the left and the Axis pedals. Axis, what else?




"Dude, did you get the gong in the shot? It's very important. I put on my nice sweatpants and boots for this shoot. I want it right!" Just so you know, a gong that size can cost about a grand. I guess that's where all the money went...that's why he ended up wearing a black turtleneck from Big Lots.




What I love about musicians is their financial irresponsibility and gusto. This fat load is in a Metallica cover band...but he goes ahead and gets a 7-piece Spaun kit that must cost about 5-7 grand. Why not, they could hit it big and...oh wait. No, they'll never hit it big. They're a Metallica cover band.

Great moments in art history: Broken Hope

I remember nearly falling asleep while Broken Hope played at the Milwakee Metal Fest one year. We were all waiting for Suffocation, but Broken Hope had to play first. Damn it. Much has been made of how insanely generic they were/are, but one thing that can't be disputed is their unbelievable taste in cover artwork.

It was around the early 90's that many bands switched from using the preferred media of airbrushing, to oil paint for their artwork. Broken Hope's "Swamped In Gore" is typical of what some may call the second wave in death metal oil painting cover art.

Please note the following:

1. A green chess board? Huh? I'm happy that the guy learned how to use perspective and all..but what is the message? Is life one big game? I'm confused as hell.

2. Why are the two eyeballs (with tails) being propped up by toothpicks? They remind me of these little hours dourves my mom used to make for guests. Damn, now I'm hungry.

3. Why is the weird retarded dead guy just floating around? I think this is like the Matrix or something. A Matrix of generic death metal where retarded dead people float around looking for fancy snack eyeballs on toothpicks? Maybe. But what about the chess board?

4. Why does the retarded dead guy have a large cartoon-style magnet on his head/brain? Why is it pointing towards the band logo? Dan Seagrave could have done such a better job. Just look at the blood on the dude's ribs. It's all thick, like jelly.

5. Why are there sesame seeds chasing the retarded guy's ear? Damn, I'm getting hungry again.

6. Why is a skeleton guy creeping up behind the retarded guy, lurking in the shadows? That skeleton guy is up to no good retarded dead guy! You better watch out!

7. The laughing skull with fire around it (a Ghost Rider reference?) is clearly the one thing that the dude spent the most time on. By the time he had paint the eyeballs, he was all "man, the skull rules...I'm not getting paid enough to give every part of this painting my A-game." It's pretty much how the guy that did the Death Angel "Act III" cover spent all that time on the stage and curtains that by the time it came to painting the people he just said "ah...whatever...they can look like crappy statues." To read more about that cover, go here.

Darkthrone's Fenriz—A True Maverick In The World Of Interior Design

This video is from a Norwegian TV show where they ask celebrities to speak about the album that means the most to them. Darkthrone's Fenriz chose a Uriah Heap album, which is kinda interesting, but the real story here is his taste in home decor.




Note his use of a stripped sheet as a curtain. Due to the the vertical stripes, the room appears larger, and it really brings the eye when you first see it. The tabletop foosball game is an unusual choice, but it brings an sense whimsy and playfulness to the space. In a bold (and rather avant garde move), Fenriz has chosen to do away with the antiquated concept of a bed...and has simply put his mattress over the box spring. He decorates his bed with a stuffed duck, which again brings the element of whimsy that spaces like this usually lack. Regarding his choice to do away with a bed, and simply use his mattress and box spring....It's this type of unexpected genius that has always made Fenriz a bit of a maverick in the musical world. Think of "Soulside Journey" as an Ikea Malm bed.


Most of us see that bed and think "yeah, sure that would work just fine as a bed, sign me up." Similarly, most of us would say "Soulside Journey is a fine Swedish death metal album by a band from Norway". But not Fenriz. He looks at the Malm bed, laughs at it, pees on it and comes up with a better solution. If you are still with me on the comparison of beds to albums...that would make his bedding solution "A Blaze In The Northern Sky". This is my assessment, though I know a great deal of discussion has gone on in this very blog as to the validity of Darkthrones black metal "holy trinity" (as some have called their first three black metal albums). Nevertheless, we can all acknowledge that those albums were different, and received praise by many. Similarly, his choice to do away with a traditional bed will be controversial in the world of design...but will certainly get some recognition either way. As such, the comparison stands.

Lastly I'd like to quickly highlight two more pieces in the composition. The white grandma-style chair brings a touch of class and a sense of history to an otherwise modern space. Another unexpected classical touch is the knotty pine bookshelf on the back (somewhat reminiscent of French rococo decorative arts in the 18th century), which works well in highlighting the architectural detail of the room, and also works well for holding the stuffed kitty that sits at the very top of it.

So next time you're going to criticize any part of Darkthrone's musical output (be it the death metal albums, the black metal, or any of the other crap they've done...like the weird vocals in Goatlord) think about the fact that while you're just sitting around doing nothing, Fenriz is busy in Oslo helping shape the future of interior design.

ps: If you are in the mood for more Darkthrone, check out some nice highlights of videos they made for the re-relase of the their early albums here. The Nocturno Culto part is the best, which starts about 40 seconds in.

Italians Don't Always Do It Better

What can I say about my people that hasn't already been said? The contributions of the Italian people in the areas of art, architecture, cinema, cuisine, literature, science, music, sports, among others, over the past two thousand years remain unmatched by any other peoples. One area, however, where Italians have failed to match other nations in terms of lasting output is heavy metal. Sure, there's a handful of legenday Italian metal bands (Bulldozer, Schizo, and Necrodeath, just to name a few), but compared to countries like Brazil, Germany, and Sweden they have a lot of catching up to do.



Which brings me to the mighty Death SS and this brain-melting video of theirs I found on YouTube. First though, a little history for our readers. Death SS were the first metal band to ever come out of Italy, formed way back in 1977 by Paul Chain (real name Paolo Catena) and Steve Sylvester (real name Stefano Silvestri) and inspired by their love of punk, heavy metal, and old horror movies. Chain conceived of the name (supposedly the SS is an homage to the punk spirit and has nothing to do with Nazism, uh... okay) and Sylvester came up with the idea of each band member dressing like a horror movie character--a vampire on vocals, death and a zombie on guitars, a mummy on bass, and a werewolf on drums. Kind of a brilliant idea, if you ask me. Their sound, described as "horror music" by the band, is a mix of classic heavy metal, doom, and thrash. Sylvester eventually left the group in 1982 and was replaced by some guy named Sanctis Ghoram who dressed as a Necromancer. In 1984, after recording their "Evil Metal" EP, Chain decided to disband Death SS. Foolishly, however, Chain neglected to copyright anything and in 1988 Sylvester reformed Death SS with new members and without Chain. The band has regrettably carried on in one form or another since then with Sylvester the only remaining original band member. Their costumes and music have only gotten more retarded over time and they now basically look and sound like a Marilyn Manson cover band:



But now for the real treat. This video is for the song "Kings of Evil" from Death SS's 1989 album Black Mass and what a video it is! Watching this video reminds me of the first time I drove down the strip in Las Vegas--total sensory overload. There's just so much going on that your brain can't process it all and eventually it just shuts down to keep from exploding. With this in mind, I'm going to try my best to break it all down for you, our loyal readers.



1. The Introduction: What the fuck is that I'm looking at? A screen shot from Castlevania? The 8-bit fire morphing into what looks like the face of the guy from Altered Beast and the scrolling band logo must have cost a cool 200,000 Lira (roughly equivalent to about $40). Keep in mind I speak Italian and I can't even make out what's being said, even though he's clearly speaking English. Cute band montage. A little shaky on the camera work though.

2. The Band Performance: Where do I begin? No, really. How about I begin with the buff, shirtless, hooded executioner dude just chillin' on the left side of the screen. He looks kind of bored. Doesn't he realize that by participating in this video he's being immortalized in metal history? I guess not. How about the band costumes though? Incredible! They look like a cross between Kiss and the Munsters (they're certainly no better looking) and they are rocking the fuck out! And it's all before a live studio audience! I have no idea where or when this was broadcast, but my guess is late at night on Rete 4 alongside phone sex ads. I can totally picture Steve Sylvester asking his little old grandmother (no doubt dressed in black from head to toe) to knit him that sweater and sew on that cape for Carnevale. A skull on the microphone stand? Could that be an homage to King Diamond's infamous microphone handle made of bones? Killer wooden crosses and giant cardboard cut-out logo hanging above the band. These guys must have been a huge influence on Mortuary Drape. Notice I haven't even said a word yet about the song itself? Yeah, I think it speaks for itself. Also, what's with that five seconds of the band posing with naked chicks before they abruptly cut to ten seconds of live concert footage at the end? So many questions, so little answers!

Nitro's Michael Angelo Batio Shows Off His Guitar Chops. And His New Haircut.

Michael Angelo Batio from Nitro has to be one of the few people who actually looked better during the height of the glam 80's than he does now.

1. How do you even ask for a haircut like this? Do you ask to look like a Muppet?

2. His shirt with unnecessary buckles is rather impressive as well.

3. Love the sky-like backdrop curtain. Tasteful.

The video is kinda' long, so I understand if you don't want to watch all of it...but if you hang in there you'll get to see his super white teeth come out, thus increasing his Muppet like appearance. He also plays overhand towards the end. Your call.

Great moments in metal photography: Mortuary Drape

The world of black metal has always been dominated by theatrics. In response to low budgets and lack of stagecraft, bands like Dark Throne perfected the idea of shooting all pictures in dark environments, and in black and white (cutting out the mid-tones). This was the easiest way to hide the fact that the pictures were being taken in their mom's front yard. Italy's Mortuary Drape are the complete opposite, flaunting their low budget costumes and make-up in full color. You'd almost have to admire them, if it weren't for the fact that they look like retards.



Fantastic purple vest on this hooded young man. Quilted items are big for black metal this season. Who said that a store like J. Jill was not a metal place to shop?



While I applaud the consistent use of purple throughout costumes and props, I have to point out a few things. The tombstone is clearly made of cardboard and hard to read due to this picture being taken with a disposable camera. Also:
1. This guy looks depressed, and also pregnant. Maybe he's depressed because he's wearing a Mama Cass-like robe.
2. I love the little curl of hair on this guy's forehead. He's like a black metal Superman.




1. This guy was all "no-ah way-ah, I get to hold the cross made of 2x4's. I put on my aqua colored jeans and purple vest. I'll be damned if I have to stand behind the cardboard tombstone-ah" (the "ah"s are my way of saying that they probably speak with an Italian accent.)




1. Is this little strip of chest hair the Italian version of a soul-patch? Fantastic cape, by the way.
2. Nice consistent use of the purple again, great way to generate a brand. Love the quilted vest.




1. These guys are singlehandedly keeping the Italian cardboard industry afloat.
2. "This-ah show-ah gonna be so nice, all the tombstones look awesome, I HAVE-ah to tape this and watch my performance"
3. Gibraltar brand triggers. Of course. What would metal be without your bass drum sounding like a typewriter.
4. Nice upside down cross made of chain. Shop class welding lessons are paying off.




1. Do the roadies have to dress in costume as well? Damn. Maybe he plays keyboards? No, the keyboards are on the right. Hmm. Maybe he's the ghost of lame black metal from the future coming to pay them a visit.
2. Sweet lights at the edge of the stage. Tony Bennett would be proud.
3. Nice altar with red velvet tablecloth. I wonder if the roadie ever gets yelled at for forgetting the candles, and table cloth. "Luigi! you forgot-ah mama's table cloth again-ah!"
4. Aw, the cross fell.
5. Lime green Steve Vai signature guitar? Not very black, or metal.

Metal Inquisition Roundtable #2: Dark Angel vs. Death Angel

Dark Angel
Sergeant D: The Holocaust was a shame and all, but the real tragedy of the 20th century was the fact that Dark Angel never achieved the same status as bands like Slayer, Metallica, or Megadeth. Those bands had their moments but were mostly spineless, dull, and boring. Dark Angel, on the other hand, thrashed their balls off (or in Gene Hoglan's case, thrashed their balls out).

Also, lots of people- mostly old fossils and trendy black metal types- think their best album is "Darkness Descends." It's not- in fact, that album is terrible. "Leave Scars" and "Time Does Not Heal" are much better masterpieces of thrash metal that are trumped only by Forced Entry and Believer.

Lucho Metales: Dark Angel. The name alone does little to put this band over the similarly named Death Angel. I mean, if you are going to run into an angel...would you be more scared if he's the angel in charge of "death" or of making it it "dark." I mean, if you ask me, the angel that deals with darkness will forever be second fiddle to the angel of death. In theory Death Angel should have been a more ferocious metal act, but that was not the case. Managing to move beyond their moniker, Dark Angel delivered brutal metal beatings that left us wanting more. Yes, the songs could go on and on at times. Yes, in retrospect it seems awful that in the liner notes Gene Hoglan would state the location and date for when he wrote the lyrics for each song. Yes, naming a live album "Live Scars" after having put out "Leave Scars" is dumb...but at the end of the day, the music was light years ahead of its time. More importantly, as far as metal fashion goes, they were the undisputed kings of hesher-ware. In their unforgettable appearance in the Ultimate Revenge II home video, Dark Angel can be seen rocking white high tops that were far whiter than any other metal band at the time. More importantly, look at the unabashed commitment that the entire band made to the jean vest. Even the bass player, who was a bit out of shape, went ahead and rocked the vest with NO shirt under it. Just look at the performance here, and be amazed. Just compare their fashion sense to that of Death Angel. (click to see image larger)



Gene Hoglan's Balls: I could probably write a book about all the ways in which I love Dark Angel, but this is neither the time nor the place for such a thing. Simply put, Dark Angel, AKA "The L.A. Caffeine Machine," is one of the greatest and most underappreciated thrash metal bands of all time.

Dark Angel came up alongside all the big name first wave West Coat thrash metal bands, Metallica, Slayer, Exodus, etc., but never attained the same measure of popularity. This probably has a lot to do with the fact that Dark Angel’s music isn’t nearly as accessible as that of their peers. Their songs are faster, darker, longer, and more complicated than those of their contemporaries. Their music was just too much for your average thrash fan to wrap their head around. They also had the misfortunate of releasing their masterpiece, “Darkness Descends,” the same year as “Reign in Blood,” “Master of Puppets,” and “Pleasure to Kill.” Of course all of those albums are widely regarded as classics of the genre, as they should be, but “Darkness Descends” is the best of the bunch and deserves to be mentioned in the same breath, which it usually is not. The only other thrash metal album that even approaches its level of savagery and intensity is Morbid Saint’s “Spectrum of Death.” Can you imagine Lars Ulrich trying to play the drum intro to “Death is Certain (Life is Not)?” It’d be like asking a 5 year old to play “Tom Sawyer.”

As the years passed, Dark Angel soldiered on. Even as the popularity of thrash metal declined in the late 80s and early 90s giving way to the eventual rise of death metal, Dark Angel kept releasing stunning albums each more over-the-top than the last. Their final album, 1991’s “Time Does Not Heal,” is the logical conclusion of thrash metal. “9 songs, 67 minutes, 246 riffs!” An epic, monumental testament to the genius of Gene Hoglan that rendered the entire genre obsolete.

It’s doubtful that Dark Angel will ever get the respect they deserve, but if it’s any consolation we here at Metal Inquisition couldn’t hold them any higher. In the words of the Geto Boys, “you gotta let your nuts hang!”

Awakening: Leave Scars is the opus. The pinnacle of all that was Dark Angel. It challenges and defeats many a thrash album before and since. The riffs are crushing and dark. The double bass is oppressive and pounding.

Often times people in the metal scene are so quick to say that output a few records into a band’s career are never as good as the demos or the first album. That is retarded. Sure Darkness Descends is a great album, but it sounds like so many others of that time. This is the record where Dark Angel got their groove. And then promptly lost it shortly thereafter. From there we have Time Does Not Heal, which is great, but slightly too perfect. The drums sound better, as do the guitars, a little too perfect though. This was the plague of so many bands in the 90s thrash scene. Death metal was taking over and they were trying to remain relevant. Which they did well, but man…Leave Scars was the shit.





Death Angel
Sergeant D: Maybe 10 years ago, fellow Metal Inquisition writer Lucho Metales and I were discussing this band, and I said I never liked them because of the gay curtains on the cover of "Act III." Basically, I stand by that comment. They were always a puss band, like the Filipino version of Testament but not even that good (and Testament were never good).

Also, aside from the gay curtains on that cover, what exactly is going on? Evil steam is coming out of the curtains?? And it looks like the artist ran out of time when it came to rendering the audience (where are they, anyway- the theater at the mall?). He spent all of his time resolving all the intricate details of the arch around the curtain, then was like "Fuck it, the audience can just look like concrete mannequins, I'm sick of this painting."


One final note... we tag lots of posts on here "male pattern baldness," but there is perhaps no better example of this in metal than Death Angel singer Mark Osegueda. Like Brett Michaels, he always wear bandanas to cover up his ever-retreating hairline. A word of advice: salvage what's left of your dignity, bro- just shave it all off.

Lucho Metales: I almost don't want to write about Death Angel. Why? Have you seen their video for "Room With A View"? It's the video that I took the stills from to make my "metal/not metal" chart above. The video is almost exactly like Extreme's "More Than Words", and the music is rather similar. For me to try to find some redeeming qualities in Death Angel after such an atrocious musical act, would be like saying "well, Hitler kept the trains running on time." I would be ignoring a huge elephant in the room, an elephant called "Room With A View".


Gene Hoglan's Balls: My gay uncle Tony has a Filipino friend named Steve. He’s a really funny and fun guy, and he just so happens to be the most flamboyantly gay person I’ve ever met. I’m talking giant diamond rings, gold bracelets, pink shirts, silk scarves. When he walks he sticks his bony little ass out and he has the limpest wrist I’ve ever seen. When I try to wrap my mind around the reality of a Filipino thrash metal band all I can think of is Steve. When I listen to Death Angel’s music all I can think of is Steve. You get where I’m going. To be fair, “The Ultra-Violence” is probably one of the better albums to ever come from a second-tier Bay Area thrash metal band, and to some people that’s even a compliment.

Awakening: You know, youth is never an excuse for shitty music. If memory serves me correctly, this band was always touted as one of the "youngest" thrash bands ever. Old Skull were at least humorous. Death Angel was just sad. The worst part about Death Angel is they are releasing a new album this year. Booooooo.