From Spain with love (Part 2)

In case you missed the first part of this post, you should know that two of Metal Inquistion's finest writers are going to Spain and Andorra, not to see some horrible metal festival, but to see the Tour De France as it makes it's way through those two countries. In celebration, we will now take a closer look at Spain's offerings and culture in the realm of metal.



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Sometimes, even kvlt black metal dudes have to put grimness aside and say "ehhh...fuck it, I need to get laid"



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When I see this picture, all I can think about is the fact that his mother still lovingly washes the skid marks out of his underwear.


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Many bands from Spain are merely fifth rate rip offs of more established shit bands. Want proof? Just look at Spanish shit-music pioneers Nu. Have you ever had the unfortunate luck of listening to Jethro Tull? If you have, then you've also heard these guys. Spanish lesson for today: How to say "the flute is the most phallic instrument ever, and all those who play the flute were probably molested as children", repeat after me class "La flauta es el instrumento mas falico del mundo, y todos los que tocan la flauta probablemente fueron abusados sexualmente cuando eran niños."


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This particular black metal band from Spain is really not trying hard enough. Just look at their ill-conceived stage props. Who could possibly hang themselves from a noose that is two feet off the floor?


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I can just imagine the email that the band members sent the "artist" who drew this cover. Once translated into English, it went a little something like this: "So the logo will totally be made of steel, and should have rivets! Don't forget the rivets, they are very important. From the logo, lightning should come down, and be hitting both the statue that we mentioned in our last email, but also the human heart that the guy will be holding on his right hand. Oh and by the way, please make sure that the guy holding the heart looks exactly like Dog The Bounty Hunter, and please make sure that his hands are permanently locked in an action figure-like kung-fu grip.





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I don't know which part to laugh at first, the perspective or the misshaped roulette wheel. Having said that, I have to say that I admire the artists' ability to render the creases in both fabrics and leather. This guy must have been trained by artistic master who gave the world the sublime rendering of drapes on the cover of Death Angel's Act III




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If your mom asks you to go cut down some of the weeds in the back yard, don't take it as a worthless chore. If you are truly committed to being grim, you should see it as an opportunity to be grim as fuck.




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In an attempt to bring Spain into this century, the police have been rounding up metal douchebags on a daily basis, and sterilizing them in order to prevent them from breeding. Although some are protesting that these round-ups reek of Franco-era tactics, I see them as being both unimportant, and unnecessary. Why spend tax payer's money sterilizing these individuals, when their denim vests already act as a kryptonite-like deterrant against all females?



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Vests in general are very useful. A life vest keeps you from drowning. A bullet proof vest keeps bullets away. A denim vest keeps women away.

Come on, you saw the joke coming from a mile away...but you still laughed. Admit it.

From Spain with love (Part 1)

Put aside you preconceived notions about men with shaved legs and spandex shorts for a minute. Look, this is a sport where a Norwegian guy named Thor bleeds all over himself as though he were doing a photo shoot for a Mayhem album cover. Not bad, not bad at all.

Breaking news from the Metal Inquisition headquarters, news big enough for me to post my usual Friday piece on Thursday. What's the big news you ask? Two of Metal Inquisition's finest (myself and Mr Skullkrusher) are heading over to Europe in just a few weeks. Why are we going to Europe you ask? That's a perfectly valid question. Are we going to Europe in order to catch some sweet metal festivals? No. Are we going to Europe in order to find where Euronymous' Helvet record store was, in order to laugh uncontrollably while standing in front of it (since it's now a bakery)? Nope. Are going in order to visit the slightly pathetic Cliff Burton memorial that was erected miles away from the site of his accident, and without support of the band or his family? Nah.

You see, we are going to Europe for a much cooler reason. We are going so that we can watch the Tour De France live and in person, as it makes it's way through northeast Spain and Andorra for a few days. What could be more metal than that? (Please don't answer that question.) Although it's tempting, I'm not going to bore you with more details about the trip and my extreme excitement about the whole thing. While perhaps it would be cooler to go to Belgium to see the spring classics, this was an opportunity that presented itself and had to be taken. In order to not focus on cycling, and because our marketing department has determined that all posts relating to sports must be about cricket (due to the international nature of our readership), I will instead write about what Spain has to offer in the realm of metal. Oh, and for any of you that live in Spain, if you manage to spot us in the huge crowds, simply say the magic password and you'll get a prize. The magic password/phrase is:

"M.O.D. was both derivative and self referential in a post-modern sense"

If you successfully spot us, and deliver this line verbatim, you will win one of my most highly prized metal possessions....my cassette of Benediction's "meh" inducing "Subconscious Terror" album.



Before I move on to the primary content of this piece, allow me to make one final point about cycling being metal. Look for yourself, and tell me that the picture of Thor Hushovd wouldn't make for a pretty good black metal album cover. Check it out, side by side with an actual Mayhem cover.



Not too bad huh? Aside from the bright green bib shorts, I think it's pretty good. I mean, you can also argue about the fact that he's wearing a yellow jersey...but hey...Dead was wearing a white "I Love Transylvania" shirt when this picture was taken...so it all evens out. By the way, if you're wondering what the white text says, it's a phrase I ran through one of those online translators. The name of the brutal album would be: "Thor falls while wearing the yellow jersey". Look, when you know what it says, it's not that evil...but just looking at it...it works. *


* Leave it up to me to spend like six minutes in Photoshop in order to make a joke about Mayhem and Thor Hushovd that a grand total of two people worldwide will really get. Ehhh.


Okay, with these formalities out of the way, let's move on to taking a closer look at Spain's offerings in the realm of metal. Enjoy.


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I don't care where you live, I don't care what type of metal you're into...I think we can ALL agree about one thing: nothing says "extreme metal brutality" like three pairs of fuchsia jeans in one picture. While American fans are barely trying when it comes to their attire, dudes in Spain are rocking jeans in colors that are rarely seen in nature, let alone in clothing. Take that American fuckers!



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Spain has really weird traditions. You've probably heard about the running of the bulls in Pamplona, perhaps you also know about the Tomatina festival. A lesser known festival from Spain takes place once a year in San Sebastian. In that celebration, metal fans from throughout the region gather to discuss the validity of Destruction's early recordings for hours upon hours, to see who the last man standing will be. Slowly, lesser competitors fall asleep as they talk, leaving behind the lone "Campeon De Destruction" who will hold his title for one full year. If you thought going to Pamplona and getting gorged by a bull straight into your rectum was painful, you should try listening to these guys talk about Infernal Overkill for eighteen hours straight.




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Spanish lesson for today: How to say "Dan Lilker has super creepy, tiny baby teeth, and so does this guy"

Repeat after me class, "Dan Lilker tiene dientesitos de bebe asustadores, y este tipo tambien los tiene. "


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In some parts of Europe, it's common for semi-grown men to still live with their parents. The upside of this arrangment? Free rent, and the fact that your mom will wash your jean vest (taking extra care to make sure that your Sarcofago patch doesn't come off in the wash.) The downside? Mom makes you take out the garbage when you're in full metal uniform. What's a metal fan to do when confronted with such an inconvenience? If you're like this guy, you see metal opportunities where others see obstacles. Don't let chores slow you down, rock those fucking chores! Take out that fucking garbage. Metal, and metal attitude should never take a holiday. Just look at this guy and learn, this fucker could make yard work look metal.




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Some have said that the Catholic church is too powerful in Spain, and that as a result homophobia is on the rise. I disagree. When you see flagrant displays of homosexuality such as the ones by the singer of Angeles Del Infierno, you have to applaud the church's changing views as well as their leniant policies.












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Quiet down class, please quiet down. Our Spanish lesson for today is the following, repeat after me class: "El Wigger-o Slam-o"



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Son:
"No Papi, that's not what I'm saying at all...I'm saying that Baron Rojo and other bands from Spain are valid, but Sarcofago and Vulcano were lightyears ahead of their time, you know? Also, Beherit merely used that sound and that type of production as a crutch, so I don't know that their contributions were valid at all."

Father:
"Uh...okay, fine. Sure, sure. But seriously, when are you and your collection of fingerless gloves moving out of our fucking house? Your mom and I seriously want you out of our fucking lives once and for all."




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They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. That's all fine and good, but can we also say that it's the sincerest form of unimaginative plagiarism?


* Top image is of a tribute record of bands from Argentina, covering Baron Rojo, who are from Spain.


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"So I was thinking, we can use my sister's drawing at the top of the picture...we can just photoshop it in there. Juan, you can make a wooden manhole cover, just remember to glue some bottle caps on it....what else, what else. Oh yeah, I just remembered. It would be super awesome if we had a shadowy rendering of the Enterprise kinda' like behind us, it would add a grim, outespsace kinda' feel to the picture."





More to come next Friday.

Heavy Metal in the Economic Downturn

We at Metal Inquisition have made a startling discovery - an unprecedented display of economic foresight from The Netherlands in 1981. It's difficult to even fathom, but over 25 years ago, a group of Dutch musicians and intellectuals - Renaissance men in the classical mold - predicted the economic downturn of 2009. Their treatise on the subject has long been in the public domain, but only now has the true meaning of this work revealed itself.

What's even more impressive is that this prognostication came not from the halls of academia or the journalistic press, but from the nascent Heavy Metal scene. I speak of the heavy metal band PICTURE, and you can view the video for their song "Unemployed" right here.



The modern-day relevance of "Unemployed" is astonishing. The lyrics anticipate a time when we've all lost our jobs, and have nothing to do but drink beer and listen to classic metal rocka rolla. Dominant forms of cultural activity appear to be setting off fire crackers, wearing sweat bands, and tearing through lengthy guitar solos. Is this not a brilliantly accurate description of all our current lives?

In this music video, we garner a glimpse of our future in the troubled economic climate through its deft symbolism. The "production values" of our "music videos" will be dreadful. The "leap from atop the kick drum" will be hampered by restrictive "spandex." This was the vision so artistically conveyed by PICTURE.

Through the boom of the late 80's and the Clinton years, unemployed mustached heavy metal idiocy would have seemed an inconceivable regression of the cultural norm. However, my informal polls indicate that 84% of Americans now "strongly agreed" with the description of themselves as "an unemployed, mustachioed heavy metal idiot." For PICTURE, this was all in the tea leaves.



The future is secure only for those few companies who anticipated the post-2009 shift to a pared down, riff-based economy. Marshall Amplification and Zildjian Cymbals come to mind. Shares of Ibanez stock are a "buy." I advise you to diversity your portfolio to include preferred stocks and killer gear.

Consider this music video PICTURE's dissertation on the subject. Look for the band members of PICTURE to receive the Nobel Prize in economics in the coming years, as their vision of an "Unemployed" world comes to pass. Until then, I recommend you drop out of your (now obsolete) college classes, and buy some records by RAVEN, DIAMOND HEAD, TANK, and others, to educate yourself in the skills of the new, heavy metal-trained, "Black Collar" workforce.

The cultural shift predicted by PICTURE is no more evident than on this blog. Few readers will remember that during the late 80's through the early 90's, the METAL INQUISITION blog covered primarily cold war relations and then the emerging Eastern European economies. During the mid 90's, METAL INQUISITION brought you the latest on the Balkan wars, Silicon Valley acquisitions, and the biotech research pipeline. METAL INQUISITION seeks the issues that matter, hence our recent coverage of Tom Warrior's leather jacket and Glen Benton's life at age 42. Keep reading in the upcoming months to stay informed on the issues defining our time.

Metal Inquisition Investigative Report: Are Sports Metal?

Since we just went through the Super Bowl (Go fucking Steelers!) here in the US and March Madness is just around the corner, I thought we should look at sports and metal. For last year's SB, Lucho did a post about fat metal guys who should be playing football (check it out here) and this year he did a post about Shane Embury and Steelers offensive guard Chris Kemoeautu.
Now, I want to go deeper into the professional sports / metal relationship. I want to figure out how metal each sport is and crown the most metal of all pro-sports! Sure, there's a few sports I know nothing about, like cricket, but how metal can they be if the 'Krusher isn't into them? Feel free to disagree, but if you do, you'd be dead wrong.

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AMERICAN FOOTBALL
Metal:
- The sport is pretty rough and there's plenty of running around and smashing into each other. All this fun violence would make Exodus proud.
- As Lucho pointed out last year, there's a lot of big guys in metal that could be linebackers. Most notably the guys in Crowbar look like the defensive line for the Pittsburgh Stillers. Fat guys are pretty metal.
- Some of the logos in the NFL are pretty metal, like the Raiders, the Buccaneers.
- Many metal peeps have been spotted throughout the years wearing American football jerseys. Danny Spitz, for example, wore a NY Giants jersey many times during the 80's.
- It's debatable whether or not spandex are metal or not. Sure, Poison wore them, but does Maiden and Manowar. Anyway, I'm gonna say that football spandex are pretty metal.

Not Metal:
- All the ass spanking. I'm no homophobe, but we all have to agree guys spanking each other's bee-hinds is not metal AT ALL.
- Too many black players. I'm not a racist either, but with few exceptions, black people aren't very metal. Sad but true.
- Some of the logos in the NFL are pretty fucking gay and not metal AT ALL: the Miami Dolphins, the Saints and the Jets are good examples.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 7/10

Hmmm... maybe he was checking for hemorroids?

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HOCKEY

Metal:
- Hockey is huge in Scandinavia and eastern Europe. That makes hockey pretty fucking metal, since there is pretty bad-ass metal bands from over there.
- Winter, snow and all that cold shit is pretty metal and hockey is all about that.
- Wacko from Raven used to wear hockey gear on and off stage: metal.
- Hockey, soccer and metal pretty much share the dubious honor of having the largest athlete/mullet ratio. Mullets are pretty rad and outside of 80's thrash bands and redneck Slayer fans, the only people who rock them right are hockey and soccer players.
- All the fights. Fighting is pretty metal and no one does it better than hockey players.
- There's that player Miroslav Satan that plays for the Penguins. Bad ass name, no doubt.
- The NJ Devils are a little metal, but the Atlanta Thrashers!? Sounds like Kurt Brecht should have been their goalie, you know?
- Metal "celebs" known to wear hockey jerseys include: that other guy in Vio-lence (Philly Flyers), Mike Muir (LA Kings), Riki Rachtman (Detrot Redwings) and the bass player for Mythic (Pittsburgh Penguins).
- Blades of Steel. Nothing to do with metal, but that game was pretty awesome.

Not metal:
- Two words: Canada sucks.
- The ice skating thing. Figure skating is SO NOT METAL, that the stigma spills onto hockey. Sorry, but it's true.
- Team names like The Ducks, Penguins, Maple Leafs, and the Blues make the NHL sound like a woman's soccer league.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 6/10

The first time I saw someone wearing a Satan jersey, I thought it was a joke. Joke was on me, I guess. Well, not really. It wasn't really a joke on anyone. Except maybe on baby Jesus.

Hey, speaking of jokes... God, I'm SO fucking a happy a "hockey mom" didn't get the chance to be a death away from the button. They obviously do not have very good decision making abilities!

What a fucking ass clown.

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BASKETBALL
Metal:
- Sometimes bands play shows in basketball arenas.

Not Metal:
- Everything else.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 1/10

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BASEBALL
Metal:
- What's his face from Prong wore a White Sox jersey in the "Prove you Wrong" video.
- Mike Muir wore an LA Dodgers jersey in the "Punk It Up" video
- Scott Ian has a Yankees gee-tar.
- Running around the bases is like a circle pit. Well, a one person circle pit. Never mind.

Not Metal:
- Baseball is SLOW and BORING, not like metal. FAST and LOUD!
- I've seen a few mullets here and there, but outside of Manny Ramirez, I can't think of one baseball player with long hair. Fucking posers.
- Very popular in the Caribbean. When's the last time you hear of a brutal band from the Dominican Republic?

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 3/10

Oh, shit he wore the matching shorts! Nah-ha, I know he didn't! But he did!


It's truly an honor whenever I get to reference Infectious Grooves in any post of mine.

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RUGBY
Metal:
- I don't know much about rugby, but these assholes beat the shit out of each other with no pads, like the American football pansies. They are pretty fucking brutal dudes.
- The All Blacks. Just sounds cool and a little metal.

Not Metal:
- That little Hacka dance they do before games. All that tongue play and smacking themselves is creepy and not metal. It's like a South Pacific line dance.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 5/10

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MOTOR RACING
Metal:
- Fast cars are pretty metal. If I had an '85 black Camaro with green flames on the hood, a sweet sound system and a Slayer bumper sticker, I'd get all types of metal ladies. I'm just sayin'.
- NASCAR, as lame as it is, does share the beer drinking, mullet wearing attitude that some metalheads adopt.
- NASCAR's races are basically a huge circle pit without music. And people are in cars. Still the bump and crash and go in a circle!

Not Metal:
- Formula One is pretty weak in the metal scale. The drivers are all rich prima donnas with yachts in the Mediterranean.
- Motor sports are big time sellouts. You think Metallica sold out? At least they didn't have 379 logos on the gee-tars!

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 4/10

Chick-motherfucking-magnet!

Try fitting these many logos on the back of a CD!


NASCAR fans... Gotta love'em!

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GOLF
Metal:
- Alice Cooper plays golf.

Not Metal:
- Alice Cooper plays golf.
- All the shushing. Silence is the antithesis of metal. Remember what Manowar said: All men play on 10!
- Golf carts are pretty fucking weak.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 1/10

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TENNIS
Metal:
- Just like golf, tennis would seem very un-metal, but I found a gem: Björn Borg's hair in the 80's was fucking metal!
- John McEnroe used to smash his racket like a metal guitarist might smash his axe.

Not metal:
- Lars Ulrich plays tennis.
- As in golf: all the shushing. Fuck that. I wanna hear it loud!

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 1/10

Hell yeah!


Hey! It's Assclown Sr. and Assclown Jr.!

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SOCCER
Metal:
- Where is TRUE metal popular? I mean where do people still wear denim vests with Overkill patches? You got it, Europe and South America. Where is soccer incredibly popular? Same places!
- All over the world, fans make banners to bring to game using AC/DC, Maiden and Motorhead lettering.
- Maiden and Motorhead both sponsor youth and semi-pro teams in England.
- St. Pauli, a team in Germany, has a skull and cross bones as their logo.
- During Iron Maiden's show in Madison Square Garden last year, the power went out and for ten minutes, Adrian, Bruce and Dave kicked a soccer ball around on stage.
- Maiden sells soccer jerseys on their site.
- Soccer fans are rowdy, loud and love to fight: Metal
- Plenty of mullets, a.k.a. the soccer rocker.
- Sepultura wore soccer jerseys all the time.

Not Metal:
- Def Leppard and Duran Duran are big soccer fans.
- Elton John co-owns a team in England
- Soccer shorts are pretty gay
- Women's soccer.
- Palermo, in Italy, have pink uniforms.
- David Beckham.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 8/10

Hooligans are SO awesome! I wanna hang out with these guys. Chat about our lives and our dreams.

True soccer rockers. #10 there on the top left is Faustino Asprilla. $10 to the person who can tell me WTF he was doing in this team.


Metal up your asses, you little shits... metal up your young virgin asses.


Banner by the Chivas de Guadalajara fans, in Mexico


Soccer fans in South America are not only really good at making burritos, but they are also great artists!

Not only does Tony Meola have a mullet. He's also from Jersey and now sells real estate in Kansas City. It's true. look it up.

Officially licensed St. Pauli soccer ball. Awesomeness.

Sorry Palermo, I just don't see Slayer's new hoodies coming out in pink.

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CRICKET

Metal:
- Again, I don't know too much about cricket, but there's nothing I can think of that is metal about this sport.

Not Metal:
- Guys always wear white. Look at the dbags in that image above
- Outside of the British Isles it's only popular in non-metal countries. Not a lot of bands from India o Antigua.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 0/10

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WRESTLING
Metal:
- I've discussed wrestling and how metal it is (specially in Mexico) in another post (here). Read that first and I'll add a few points here.
- Wrestlers have long hair, kick ass and have slutty girlfriends
- As awesome metal dudes do, wrestlers dress like douche bags, but I wish I could pull off some of those outfits.
- Two words: Ass kicking.
- The Undertaker's finishing moves: Tombstone Pile Driver and Hell's Gates.
- Chris Jericho sings in a metal band. A really shitty metal band, but it's metal none the less.
- The only thing cheesier than Cannibal Corpse is Triple H.
- Wrestlers are broke ass losers with long hair and shitty tattoos, touring in a van, until they make it big.
- Balls Mahoney was spotted wearing Immolation and King Diamond shirts.
- Entrance songs for Triple H were written and recorded exclusively for him by Motorhead.
- In Mexico, El Bucanero's entrance song: Seek and Destroy

Not Metal:
- The whole greasy guys cuddling thing.
- Tighty Whities
- Wrestling is fake, metal is TRUE!
- John Cena.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 8.5/10

Fozzy, featuring Chris Jericho on vocals. I could a whole post on this image alone!


John Cena: not very metal.

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SWIMMING
In this past post, we already established that swimming is NOT metal.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 0/10

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CYCLING
Metal:
- Lucho did this post, and that's the only thing I could find that may be considered metal at all.

Not Metal:
- I used to be REALLY into cycling when I was a kid. Laurent Fignon, Bernanrd Hinault, Sean Kelly, Luis "Lucho" Herrera, Raul Alcalá... None of those dudes are metal in the least!
- Bikers shorts
- Lots of French people are into it.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 1/10

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VEREDICT: Wrestling and soccer are metal.
Football is OK, but everything else is poser dogshit!


There you go. I know there's other fucking sports out there, but the post would have to a book if I were to include all of them. I hope you enjoyed reading it.

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