Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Metal Inquisition Investigative Report: Are Sports Metal?

Since we just went through the Super Bowl (Go fucking Steelers!) here in the US and March Madness is just around the corner, I thought we should look at sports and metal. For last year's SB, Lucho did a post about fat metal guys who should be playing football (check it out here) and this year he did a post about Shane Embury and Steelers offensive guard Chris Kemoeautu.
Now, I want to go deeper into the professional sports / metal relationship. I want to figure out how metal each sport is and crown the most metal of all pro-sports! Sure, there's a few sports I know nothing about, like cricket, but how metal can they be if the 'Krusher isn't into them? Feel free to disagree, but if you do, you'd be dead wrong.

- The sport is pretty rough and there's plenty of running around and smashing into each other. All this fun violence would make Exodus proud.
- As Lucho pointed out last year, there's a lot of big guys in metal that could be linebackers. Most notably the guys in Crowbar look like the defensive line for the Pittsburgh Stillers. Fat guys are pretty metal.
- Some of the logos in the NFL are pretty metal, like the Raiders, the Buccaneers.
- Many metal peeps have been spotted throughout the years wearing American football jerseys. Danny Spitz, for example, wore a NY Giants jersey many times during the 80's.
- It's debatable whether or not spandex are metal or not. Sure, Poison wore them, but does Maiden and Manowar. Anyway, I'm gonna say that football spandex are pretty metal.

Not Metal:
- All the ass spanking. I'm no homophobe, but we all have to agree guys spanking each other's bee-hinds is not metal AT ALL.
- Too many black players. I'm not a racist either, but with few exceptions, black people aren't very metal. Sad but true.
- Some of the logos in the NFL are pretty fucking gay and not metal AT ALL: the Miami Dolphins, the Saints and the Jets are good examples.


Hmmm... maybe he was checking for hemorroids?


- Hockey is huge in Scandinavia and eastern Europe. That makes hockey pretty fucking metal, since there is pretty bad-ass metal bands from over there.
- Winter, snow and all that cold shit is pretty metal and hockey is all about that.
- Wacko from Raven used to wear hockey gear on and off stage: metal.
- Hockey, soccer and metal pretty much share the dubious honor of having the largest athlete/mullet ratio. Mullets are pretty rad and outside of 80's thrash bands and redneck Slayer fans, the only people who rock them right are hockey and soccer players.
- All the fights. Fighting is pretty metal and no one does it better than hockey players.
- There's that player Miroslav Satan that plays for the Penguins. Bad ass name, no doubt.
- The NJ Devils are a little metal, but the Atlanta Thrashers!? Sounds like Kurt Brecht should have been their goalie, you know?
- Metal "celebs" known to wear hockey jerseys include: that other guy in Vio-lence (Philly Flyers), Mike Muir (LA Kings), Riki Rachtman (Detrot Redwings) and the bass player for Mythic (Pittsburgh Penguins).
- Blades of Steel. Nothing to do with metal, but that game was pretty awesome.

Not metal:
- Two words: Canada sucks.
- The ice skating thing. Figure skating is SO NOT METAL, that the stigma spills onto hockey. Sorry, but it's true.
- Team names like The Ducks, Penguins, Maple Leafs, and the Blues make the NHL sound like a woman's soccer league.


The first time I saw someone wearing a Satan jersey, I thought it was a joke. Joke was on me, I guess. Well, not really. It wasn't really a joke on anyone. Except maybe on baby Jesus.

Hey, speaking of jokes... God, I'm SO fucking a happy a "hockey mom" didn't get the chance to be a death away from the button. They obviously do not have very good decision making abilities!

What a fucking ass clown.

- Sometimes bands play shows in basketball arenas.

Not Metal:
- Everything else.


- What's his face from Prong wore a White Sox jersey in the "Prove you Wrong" video.
- Mike Muir wore an LA Dodgers jersey in the "Punk It Up" video
- Scott Ian has a Yankees gee-tar.
- Running around the bases is like a circle pit. Well, a one person circle pit. Never mind.

Not Metal:
- Baseball is SLOW and BORING, not like metal. FAST and LOUD!
- I've seen a few mullets here and there, but outside of Manny Ramirez, I can't think of one baseball player with long hair. Fucking posers.
- Very popular in the Caribbean. When's the last time you hear of a brutal band from the Dominican Republic?


Oh, shit he wore the matching shorts! Nah-ha, I know he didn't! But he did!

It's truly an honor whenever I get to reference Infectious Grooves in any post of mine.

- I don't know much about rugby, but these assholes beat the shit out of each other with no pads, like the American football pansies. They are pretty fucking brutal dudes.
- The All Blacks. Just sounds cool and a little metal.

Not Metal:
- That little Hacka dance they do before games. All that tongue play and smacking themselves is creepy and not metal. It's like a South Pacific line dance.


- Fast cars are pretty metal. If I had an '85 black Camaro with green flames on the hood, a sweet sound system and a Slayer bumper sticker, I'd get all types of metal ladies. I'm just sayin'.
- NASCAR, as lame as it is, does share the beer drinking, mullet wearing attitude that some metalheads adopt.
- NASCAR's races are basically a huge circle pit without music. And people are in cars. Still the bump and crash and go in a circle!

Not Metal:
- Formula One is pretty weak in the metal scale. The drivers are all rich prima donnas with yachts in the Mediterranean.
- Motor sports are big time sellouts. You think Metallica sold out? At least they didn't have 379 logos on the gee-tars!



Try fitting these many logos on the back of a CD!

NASCAR fans... Gotta love'em!

- Alice Cooper plays golf.

Not Metal:
- Alice Cooper plays golf.
- All the shushing. Silence is the antithesis of metal. Remember what Manowar said: All men play on 10!
- Golf carts are pretty fucking weak.


- Just like golf, tennis would seem very un-metal, but I found a gem: Björn Borg's hair in the 80's was fucking metal!
- John McEnroe used to smash his racket like a metal guitarist might smash his axe.

Not metal:
- Lars Ulrich plays tennis.
- As in golf: all the shushing. Fuck that. I wanna hear it loud!


Hell yeah!

Hey! It's Assclown Sr. and Assclown Jr.!

- Where is TRUE metal popular? I mean where do people still wear denim vests with Overkill patches? You got it, Europe and South America. Where is soccer incredibly popular? Same places!
- All over the world, fans make banners to bring to game using AC/DC, Maiden and Motorhead lettering.
- Maiden and Motorhead both sponsor youth and semi-pro teams in England.
- St. Pauli, a team in Germany, has a skull and cross bones as their logo.
- During Iron Maiden's show in Madison Square Garden last year, the power went out and for ten minutes, Adrian, Bruce and Dave kicked a soccer ball around on stage.
- Maiden sells soccer jerseys on their site.
- Soccer fans are rowdy, loud and love to fight: Metal
- Plenty of mullets, a.k.a. the soccer rocker.
- Sepultura wore soccer jerseys all the time.

Not Metal:
- Def Leppard and Duran Duran are big soccer fans.
- Elton John co-owns a team in England
- Soccer shorts are pretty gay
- Women's soccer.
- Palermo, in Italy, have pink uniforms.
- David Beckham.


Hooligans are SO awesome! I wanna hang out with these guys. Chat about our lives and our dreams.

True soccer rockers. #10 there on the top left is Faustino Asprilla. $10 to the person who can tell me WTF he was doing in this team.

Metal up your asses, you little shits... metal up your young virgin asses.

Banner by the Chivas de Guadalajara fans, in Mexico

Soccer fans in South America are not only really good at making burritos, but they are also great artists!

Not only does Tony Meola have a mullet. He's also from Jersey and now sells real estate in Kansas City. It's true. look it up.

Officially licensed St. Pauli soccer ball. Awesomeness.

Sorry Palermo, I just don't see Slayer's new hoodies coming out in pink.



- Again, I don't know too much about cricket, but there's nothing I can think of that is metal about this sport.

Not Metal:
- Guys always wear white. Look at the dbags in that image above
- Outside of the British Isles it's only popular in non-metal countries. Not a lot of bands from India o Antigua.


- I've discussed wrestling and how metal it is (specially in Mexico) in another post (here). Read that first and I'll add a few points here.
- Wrestlers have long hair, kick ass and have slutty girlfriends
- As awesome metal dudes do, wrestlers dress like douche bags, but I wish I could pull off some of those outfits.
- Two words: Ass kicking.
- The Undertaker's finishing moves: Tombstone Pile Driver and Hell's Gates.
- Chris Jericho sings in a metal band. A really shitty metal band, but it's metal none the less.
- The only thing cheesier than Cannibal Corpse is Triple H.
- Wrestlers are broke ass losers with long hair and shitty tattoos, touring in a van, until they make it big.
- Balls Mahoney was spotted wearing Immolation and King Diamond shirts.
- Entrance songs for Triple H were written and recorded exclusively for him by Motorhead.
- In Mexico, El Bucanero's entrance song: Seek and Destroy

Not Metal:
- The whole greasy guys cuddling thing.
- Tighty Whities
- Wrestling is fake, metal is TRUE!
- John Cena.


Fozzy, featuring Chris Jericho on vocals. I could a whole post on this image alone!

John Cena: not very metal.

In this past post, we already established that swimming is NOT metal.


- Lucho did this post, and that's the only thing I could find that may be considered metal at all.

Not Metal:
- I used to be REALLY into cycling when I was a kid. Laurent Fignon, Bernanrd Hinault, Sean Kelly, Luis "Lucho" Herrera, Raul Alcalá... None of those dudes are metal in the least!
- Bikers shorts
- Lots of French people are into it.


VEREDICT: Wrestling and soccer are metal.
Football is OK, but everything else is poser dogshit!

There you go. I know there's other fucking sports out there, but the post would have to a book if I were to include all of them. I hope you enjoyed reading it.



  1. That's actually a Rugby League pic which could be argued isn't Rugby and is unrelated to the All Blacks. The dance is the haka(not hacka). Amatuer rugby players are generally boat shoe wearing heavy drinking short haircutted meatheads.

    I know this from growing up in the unmetal country of New Zealand.

  2. You should have mentioned Powerlifting (my own sport).
    It's completely idiot since you hurt yourself regularly (I currently have hernya and ligament demage on my shoulder). Metal is always played out loud during contests. One of the strongest teams (and training methods) is called METAL MILITIA (with maiden-style logo http://www.metalmilitia.net/). There is always a LOT of metal when you pratcice it. Literally tons of metal.
    One could argue that there is a company doing PL products called "House of Pain" which is not a metal name at all, but other than that I guess it could score a 8.

  3. Jeff Hardy looks like he's in Immortal these days.

  4. Also, Jerry Lynn was doing death growls in his promos for a short time in ecw.

  5. 'GOLF
    - Alice Cooper plays golf.

    Not Metal:
    - Alice Cooper plays golf.'

    Fried Gold Mate, Fried Gold...

  6. Great article, but I'm pretty sure Wacko from raven was wearing lacrosse gear and not hockey pads...

  7. Cycling is more metal than you say:
    - Cyclists do a lot of drugs, some even died of an overdose.
    - Thor Hushovd. He is a Norwegian, his name is Thor and he was born in Grimstad. I bet he has all Darkthrone records.
    - Metal bands like to make songs that are too long and too complicated, cyclists have races that are too long and too complicated.
    - Paris - Roubaix is also called 'The Hell of the North'. That could be an Immortal album title.
    - Cycling is pretty brutal, with a the riding over 4 mountains in 40C and falling.

    Picture of Thor Hushovd after he has brutally fallen.

  8. Except that "Blades of Steel" is a killer song by a rather well known NWOBHM band called SATAN. Guess that would just up the points for hockey.

  9. i love that the reason tennis is NOT metal is because of Lars....ha ha ha ha!!!!

    mick, powerlifting is super metal. why? two words: prolapsed anus.

    why is cycling NOT metal: Rock Racing.

    why is cycling metal: Lauren't Fignon's hair....and you are right Martijn, a long stage race is about as lengthy and hard to put up with as a 45 minute prog metal epic...ane yet i love both. go figure.

  10. oh wait, another cycling thing. i can't believe i didn't think of it.


    Tour Teufel

  11. Wait a sec! Crowbar=football but the Saints logo is not metal? It is metal, dangit!!

    Check it:

    Crowbar merch

    Otherwise, another great post!

  12. speaking of pink hoodies, i bought this pink and red tiger-striped hoodie from Forever 21 the other day:


  13. sarge, you have lost your mind. you are not 14, and you are not Damn Yankees era Ted Nugent.

  14. lucho, three different girls this week told me they liked it... and i'm afraid that if 23 year old indie girls tell me it's hot, their opinion means more to me than yours- nothing personal, but they have vaginas, ya know?

  15. "...with few exceptions, black people aren't very metal. Sad but true"
    funniest thing i have ever read in my entire life.

  16. Come on well all knew Satan had a bicycle from this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zo4Y0TxW41g

  17. faustino asprilla played for newcastle and had some metal in him, even though iron maiden are die hard west ham fans, i don't think they minded having tino on the team to beat the crap out of any other metaleros

  18. Wrestling is hardly metal... bunch of dudes groping each other - it's the lame wad version of NFL. And the NFL is lame too.
    No sport is metal to be honest. Metal isn't about conforming to rules scoring the cheerleader or is it... remember jocks usually hated and tortured the kids who were nerdy who listened to Judas Priest in high school.

  19. My vote would be for football. I went to high school with a guy who was on the football team whos name was Helmut Wecker which kinda sounds like Wrecker...if you're Elmer Fudd.

  20. Football: Kerry King wore Raiders jerseys and Slayer had that song "war ensemble" which states that "the sport is war".."the sport" in question is obviously football.This happened when Kerry was watching a Raiders game and had the epiphany that football is just like war and vice versa... I want to say he wrote the lyrics but that was Jeff.
    Baseball: Mike Clark from Suicidal used to wear that Pittsburgh Pirates pillbox hat. That doesn't make baseball any more metal but I'm just sayin'.

  21. Elton John played on a Saxon album = METAL!
    David Beckham wears Exodus t-shirts = METAL!

    Speaking of tennis, you forgot to mention Pat Cash, winner at Wimbledon '87, great motherfucker, guitarist and friend of Iron Maiden (he was on their thanklists in the '80s)!

  22. I know Rugby is the American football for men, so it should score higher, but the players are not metal at all. In my country rugby is very popular and the hip kids love to play rugby. They all have this stupid haircut which consists of short hair with a short mullet, but still a mullet. And they all love the Rolling Stones (though I was never able to tell if they really love the stones or they just buy their t-shirts because that's what you do if you are into Rugby in Argentina).
    I remember that Iron Maiden poster came on a magazine I used to buy like 10-15 years ago, and I never understood why the guys from Iron Maiden have such big heads compare to the soccer players.
    Anyway, great post.

  23. i think you're selling nascar short, especially with the logos - i mean, did you ever open a testament record? "Alex Skolnick exclusively plays GIBSON guitars and uses TIDE." Though also all the nascar fans wear ear plugs which isn't very metal.

  24. There is a French rugby team that wear pink, but they're French so we won't hold the fact aganist the sport. If you talk from a fanbase perspective, Rugby isn't very metal. This is a generalisation, but the upper class Rugby Union hoity toity Rugger bugger fans are the kind who'll look down on metalhood and all it's glory. Rugby league, far more working class, is more likely to give metal a bit more respect, but only a bit.

    Don't forget Slayer wrote a track called Scrum too. I'm a football, sorry "Soccer", fan. My team - Crystal Palace - does sound like a Euro-tred-metal track, to be fair.

  25. Sports and metal? Are you fucking kidding me??? The only sport from your list that I consider slightly metal is that Nascar stuff for its attraction to the beer-swilling white trash masses. But apart from that?? Maybe extreme beer can lifting counts as a metal sport, but the rest?? I am shocked. Shame on you, M.I.!!

  26. Does this make MMA fighting the Wigger Slam of sports? A bunch of toughguy douchebags mixing things that never really should have been mixed, who listen to hip hop and the worst sorts of metal.

    Note: I actually love MMA fighting, but even I can tell how retarded it is. Much like wigger slam

  27. What a coincidence: I bought a striped pink hoodie today. Sarge, I'm not at your level to buy pink hoodies with tiger stripes, but maybe in a few years.

    While I don't even consider NASCAR a sport, there isn't any other event where you'll see more Pantera merchandise.

    Considering Tagliabue's rule, which only allows aged and now tame entertainers to perform for the half-time show, Slayer will most likely be pegged to "blast" away for Super Bowl 48.

  28. of all the comments, i have to say "Mike Clark from Suicidal used to wear that Pittsburgh Pirates pillbox hat." is the best. why? cuz i can't believe i didn't think of it! anyway, for those who say sports aren't metal, i have 2 things to say:
    1. MI is NOT a sarcastic blog AT ALL.
    2. Grow up. i can't believe you still live your lives tied to rules set by idiots in high school. i love sports and metal and i was FAR from being a jock. get over yourselves and read #1 again. and again, and again. and one more time? there you go.

  29. Dude, that wasn't Mike Clark, it was Rocky George. And he wore the whole damn uniform. And he's black, which means he ain't very metal. But he shreds.

    What about those lumberjack games they have in Scandinavia. Swinging axes is highly metal.

  30. I come from Scotland, and I grew up associating baseball shirts and hockey jerseys with Blue Grape merchandising WAY before I even knew they had anything to do with crazy American sports. Therefore all baseball and hockey players look metal as hell to me at all times.

  31. lets not forget that devourment made hockey jerseys...think that was around ohio deathfest 99 when corpsegristle records was poppin

  32. Oh man...seriously, i haven't laughed this hard in weeks.

  33. Metal is pretty much a sport unto its own. The most vital players are the shredders, dimebag, EVH, Mustaine etc as well as all the drummers, bass players etc, you could go on and elaborate how much more metal one player is than the next according to their abilities. If you bothered to pick up a guitar and try to shred yourself you'd know that metal is all the sport you need. Also, just look at the level of participation metal fans get at concerts as opposed to general sports fans unless they're hooligans but that's just daft and stupid. How about YOU grow up and stop admiring a couple of black guys (that unfortunately get paid more than doctors and teachers) who would kick your teeth in if they knew you, these ppl don't represent 'YOUR city'. fuck sports!

  34. You may want to re-think swimming and throw it a little something for Michael Phelps' love for weed. If the greatest at any other sport was a pothead, their sport would gain at least one point.

  35. by the way, i'm pretty sure that the reason why guys in ST wore Pirates hats was due to gang affiliation. Some offshoots of the crips wear black and yellow, although those colors are usually reserved for Latin Kings. I don't claim to be an expert, I just know that back in the day those dudes were legit gang members. still, i'm sure he liked the pirates.

    as far as sports not being metal, it think that's mostly an american way of thinking whithin the world of metal. if you're into metal and don't like sports...that's cool, but you may want to consider growing up past having the point of view of jocks/everyone else that you had in high school. if you don't like them because you find them to be boring, or whatever that's fine. but hating sports because of "jocks" is like hating hot girls because they're "preppy" or something. i'm not explaining myself very well, but trust me, i'm right.

  36. oh and sarge, regarding the sweatshirt, you are completely right. it's those girls that matter, not me. if you start listening to me, you'll be dressing like an old fart.

  37. Bullshit! There is definitely a South American bias here, where soccer scores higher than hockey. I mean Satan plays hockey, for crying out loud. Enough said.

  38. Don't forget about Pat Neshek for the Minnesota Twins. He used to update his webpage with his top 20 tracks for the week. Most of them were crap..but here is sample:

    September 27th 2006
    20. Ihsahn - Panem Et Circences
    19. Breed 77 - Empty Words
    18. Sick Of It All - Make A Mark
    17. Chimaira - Nothing Remains
    16. The Dillenger Escape Plan - Wish
    15. Stone Sour - ZZYXZ
    14. Lunarsea - Beside The Driver
    13. Sworn Enemy - All I Have
    12. Dog Fashion Disco - Sweet Insanity
    11. In Flames - Come Clarity
    10. Sepultura - Ostia
    9. All That Remains - This Calling
    8. Eternal Tears Of Sorrow - Sinister Rain
    7. God Forbid - Into The Wasteland
    6. SikTh - Bland Street Bloom
    5. Billy Talent - This Suffering
    4. Strapping Young Lad - Decimator
    3. Dog Fashion Disco - The Darkest Days
    2. Lamb Of God - Walk With Me In Hell
    1. All That Remains - Six

    He seems to be a metalcore guy...too bad.

  39. You may want to re-think swimming and throw it a little something for Michael Phelps' love for weed.

    Ever seen Dan Lilker and Michael Phelps together in the same place?

  40. I am the one who wrote the first negative comment. Chill out, Krusher, I was just messing around! I really liked the part of your response about "still adhering to high school rules", that was fucking brilliant! Anyway, since I am just a stupid euro, I don¨t know what all that stuff about jocks is about. Did you get your asses kicked by jocks in high school or what? Me, I am just a lazy bastard who is not into sports, so I don´t wanna read about in in my favourite blog, not even in an ironic sense. Talking about high school, I preferred to spend my free time in a more constructive way than the sports nuts that wasted all their time training: buying beer with a fake I.D., stealing records and cassettes from shops, experimenting with soft drugs, hanging around with other lowlife scum like me, and feeling like the coolest guy on earth. I stand by my view: Sports isn´t metal!

    @fishface: thanks, bro!!

  41. PS: I hope it came across that we don¨t have this jocks phenomenon in Europe, so obviously I don´t hate sports because of them.

    PPs: I remember reading an Entombed interview in 1992 or so with the title "beer instead of sports".

  42. well basically for shredders, guitar playing is a sport unto itself. it's like a competition over who can run (play)the fastest while negotiating obstacles or hurdles (arpeggios). so shredders don't really need to be into sports.

    anyway, moving on, i guess boxing would have totally messed up the curve if you had included it, correct? a couple of big dumb guys hitting each other in the face and occasionally biting the other guys ear off.

  43. Wrestling might be more metal if they weren't actors pretending to hit each other! Exactly how metal can faking punches and blood be?

  44. www.youtube.com/watch?v=yd2-q1ONHtc
    this clip proves that MMA is very metal... very NU metal. UFC has had the same Korn ripoff music in their theme music for years. Tito Ortiz walked out to limp bizkit for years. Try seeing someone walk out to Iron Maiden, not gonna happen.

  45. Adding to why wrestling is metal:

    1. I wrestle and have long hair and listen to Slayer unironically.

    2. Every indy wrestler uses metal to come out to. Man, I have even used Made Out of Babies as entrance music.

    3. Just look at AAA, as you did in a past post. The Dark Family look like a black metal band. And so does Judas Mesias.

    4. The only people that do more drugs than rock stars? Wrestlers.

    Also, I asked Jerry Lynn about that black metal promo. He said, well, I was bored and they said talk like you normally do. So I just screamed. And Linda McMahon liked it, and I was like, oh, maybe she's into Voivod and stuff. But probably not.

  46. Wow, didn't know he did a black metal promo in wwf. I remember some guy from Dying Fetus writing online about JL telling him he wanted them do entrance music for him.

  47. don't bathory have a few songs or at least 1 song about hockey? I dont know if that brings the score up a point or knocks it down 5.

  48. Women's Beach Volleyball is pretty fucking metal.

  49. Wrestling and not UFC or Boxing? I mean, tr00 and false? Wrestling is faker than Mortis' nose...

  50. Satan is hockey player from Slovakia and his name has nothing to do with Satan, the devil. In Slovak language it is written "ŠATAN" with wedge on the S.

  51. I also like to play and all of these photography are interesting .
    Remove White Background

  52. I would like to thank you for the efforts you have made in writing this article and i am hoping the same best work from you in the future as well