Big Chocolate blast beats his way into the hearts of the world

Cameron Argon, better known as Big Chocolate, is the brains behind Disfiguring The Goddess, as well as a whole bunch of other projects that he will explain below. Aside from being quit arguable the best guttural death metal vocalist on the face of the planet, he honestly seems like a really good, sweet dude in a way that you just don't see very often in metal (unless it's, you know... on Solid State). Definitely check him out on Myspace and Youtube, whether you need him to fill on for DJ AM in your Crazy Town cover or produce the next hella mass tight wigger slam joint for you and your crew. No homo, but I really, really appreciate coming across someone who can make the most brutal, crushing guttural slamz on Earth yet hasn't had their spirits crushing by life along the way After all, I'm betting 0/2 on those counts!

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In his debut video, Big C brings CRUSHING SLAMZ- but more importantly also really, really good songwriting, which I think is lost on many viewers

For any of our readers who are unfortunate enough not to be familiar with you and your work, please introduce yourself in whatever way you would like. Since I'm almost twice your age, does this interview feel like you are being cornered by your "cool uncle" at a family gathering? Don't worry, I won't tell you about how "I'm into that shit too" and start talking to you about how I listened to White Zombie in high school as proof.
Of course mate. Well, my name is Cameron Argon and I just turned 19. Big Chocolate is the name I use for my music. It’s kinda a joke name... no real meaning behind it, but I do love good chocolate.

Not at all, I’m pretty real with all ages... and I currently live with one of my Uncles so... uncle figures are like.... My key strong point.... (Sarcasm)

Aside from your various music projects, what are you doing with yourself these days? You graduated from high school in 2008, right? What do you see yourself doing for a career?
2009. I’m a freshmen in comminity colledge because I was too focused on making music in high school and not enough on learning my chemistry vocab to pull a GPA high enough to get into out of state school. Haha! I’m studying criminal justice because It’s a real hands on field, and that’s where i’m more interested. I’m doing it basically as a fall back plan if I can’t support myself though music later in life. I think being on a S.W.A.T. team would be pretty dream like for me also, always been a big fan of guns.

Cam and his prom date. I hate him so, so much.

It seems like being an 18 year-old kid who's way into death metal is working out pretty well for you! When I was an 18 year-old kid who was way into death metal, it mostly meant that I spent Saturday nights sitting at my parents' house by myself playing Super Metroid and listening to Napalm Death. On the other hand, you not only went to prom, but took a super cute girl; you've been to Russia to play with Abominable Putridity, and have many fans on the internets- for example this little hottie who left you a "marry me" comment. What the fuck is up with that?! I hate you.

Haha! it’s not like I was any different. Couple buddies and a good ol scary horror video game was pretty typical during high school. I never really got into high school drama or partying so it was either kicking back with some friends or making music in my room. My senior year I got some decks and starting Djing parties, that was a TON of fun because I was able to go to parties and not feel like I was wasting my time because I was making music and entertaining. I never really liked High School events too much, but I was pretty friendly and a constant “go-getter”. I won homecoming king, but didn’t go to the dance afterwards. I was pretty impressed with myself about my date because I didn’t know how I pulled that off. Haha!

Bro, if you aren't gonna hit that, send her my way. I will show her what's up.

Russia, was the most intense time of my life. The whole trip was so surreal to me, I couldn’t believe I was in russia to play music. Dream come true. My Mom almost died from worrying too much, but still, best thing to ever happen to me. Hahaha!!!! DoN’t H8 ThE pLayA H8 tHe GaMe!!

Hard to argue with this!

I feel like I have no idea what Kids These Days are into, and if *I* don't, then I am 10000% certain that none of the other old people who read our blog do either. What are some of your favorite bands, either those who influence you as a musician or otherwise? Were you ever into punk or hardcore? Just out of curiosity, tell me three bands that best embody "punk" to you.
Some of my favorite bands and musicians are The Police, Moby, Hate Eternal, Radiohead, Bjork, Devourment, and a few others. I draw a lot of influence from these bands and plenty others as well as the motivation fans, friends, and family give me. And you can’t mention motivation with out mentioning Leroy Smith, The Motivator or Michael Jordan. I listened to punk for a while, I mostly listened to the crust/grind/powerviolence side of it though, a lot of resistant culture, witch hunt, phobia, dystopia, phobia.

I listen to more of the thrash/hardcore compared to the beatdown xhardcorex. Bands that best embody “punk” to me are defiantly not rancid, sex pistols, and nofx. Punks one of those things where it should be kept underground, and if it isn’t, it’s not punk. BUT OH WELL. I don’t really care to much about all that jazz or being “punk as fuck”.

DJ AM ain't got shit on his steez

Most of us know you for your various metal projects, but you are something of a slam wigger Renaissance man: you also make beats, wreck shit on the wheels of steel, and record bands. How did you end up getting into hip hop, and how does that fit into the Big Chocolate "things that I spend my time on" mix? What do people in the metal scene think of your b-boy alter ego?
Beats are pretty fun, I don’t make them as much as I used to, but it’s a way to connect with other musicians and expand boundaries. I’ve worked with far more hip hop artist than I have with death metal bands. I really like a few underground acts, but i’m not like the guru on underground hip hop.... Yadda ming? Underground is usually better than the mainstream because it’s almost always 100% for the music. When artist get signed, they start changing their sound for the labels. Of course that’s not always the case though. Prime example of a label puppet, Lil wayne. I won’t name any Death Metal puppets because i’m not that kinda guy. I don’t really care what other people think, I do it for fun and for me.

YOURE FUCKING MOSHING!! or posing.

You have heard the term "wigger slam" before as a way of describing bands like Infernal Revulsion, Soils of Fate, Disconformity, and of course Abominable Putridity. What are your thoughts on this term? What is the most wiggerish thing about the guys in Abominable Putridity? Do they prefer to be called "riggers"?
I think it’s a pretty funny term. I usually use the term “Bro” instead though, haha! A “bro” is more classifiable by attitude over look though for me. In Russia, they call bro’s “Beadlow” Of course it’s not spelt like that, but that’s how it sounds. So every scene has it’s hand full of “bros” The guys in AP were not really stereotypical at all. Pretty normal dudes, didn’t really dress to fit any kind of look. Andrew had some pretty cool tattoos but that’s kinda it. I’m a huge Disconformity fan, straight forward brutal slams.

I remember a time when I had vitality and vigor like this young man. Each year since then I've gotten a little more bitter, a touch angrier, and my heart has grown just a bit colder. For him to meet someone like me must be like when I looked into the eyes of a concentration camp survivor in 8th grade and saw his shattered soul. Or in Cameron's case, he can tell I saw Incantation 400 times in the late 90s, which is roughly the same as surviving Auschwitz.

I showed some of your videos to this indie girl I know, and she pointed out that you smile and laugh a lot in them. You seem to be having a lot of fun with this, which is awesome because it should be fun. Why are metal fans so fucking serious all the time? Will you your youthful enthusiasm for life be snuffed out like mine was by years of crushing disappointments, heartbreak, and humiliation, or will your comfortable upper middle class upbringing keep you safe from that?
I do music for one reason: It’s fun. I have no idea why metal fans are always so serous. Haha, no I don’t think i’ll ever loose it. I try to keep a good straight head and a good attitude about life. I’m pretty stoic in my view points but keeping a good friendly mindset.

Ahhhh... There's nothing like Disfiguring the Goddess to remind you what mornings are all about. Made with only organic, free range guttural slamz, DTG brings the whole family together. It's not just a band, it's memories that will never leave!

On that note, please read our post about "regretcore" and share your thoughts. What do you think your life will be like when you're 31? As someone who seems like a stable, solid dude, what advice do you have for people like me and my friends who clearly have limited life skills? When you read the lyrics to a song like "One With The Underdogs" by Terror, what goes through your head?
Haha, I think a better term for Regretcore is growing up. When i’m 31... I’ll hopefully be doing something I love doing and passionate about. I’d be cool to have wife that I trust and love and a few little camerons running around... But that’s what everyone kinda shoots for. I don’t know, I’d rather play out my life and live in today rather in tomorrow or yesterday. Perfect life motto: Do what you love, love what you do. Well the lyrics are pretty straight forward. He didn’t have the best upbringing. but he realizes it and beat it.


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Cam's sister falls prey to a cruel trick!

I think it's pretty awesome that you seem to get along well with your family. One of your videos that I like best is the one where you scare your sister, then your mom comes and yells at you. It's legitimately, non-ironically cute! In the comments, some dickbag said "Who are those dousches that come in and yell at you," and you replied "those "dousches" are my parents.. asshole... " I don't mean to get too personal, but how do your parents feel about all your musical projects given that they seem pretty normal and you do shit that is extreme even by the standards of underground metal? Many people say that one of the defining characteristics of your generation is that you are "friends with your parents" in a way that is definitely not true of Gen X- do you think that's accurate?
Family first, than friends, than... relationship problems. My family means a lot to me and we are pretty dang close. Oh man, funny story about that video. It was on thanksgiving and everyone was getting ready. It takes me like 4 minutes to get ready after i’ve showered, I put on a shirt and a button down. So I was bored and trying to trick my mom with the maze game and film her with built in camera on my computer. Buuuut my determined sister wanted to give it her best. (she’s the kinda girl who takes on any challenge, and gets unreal scores on pocket games like solitaire). Me scaring her pretty much ruined our thanksgiving because of the awkward tensions between me and my sister, little did anyone know... I filmed it and uploaded it to youtube and families across the world were watching her get scared.

Family members on Facebook =always funnt

She came home to her myspace covered in comments with people telling her that her video was so funny.... Ohhhh man. Sooo funny. They show a great deal of support, they like my “Efficient” project much more than my Death Metal though. haha! ehhh, yes and no... I have friends who are best friends with their parents and friends who completely hate their parents.

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WTF is this business?
Haha! Some fellers that have some huge problem with me. The videos and myspace of those guys are pretty funny, like they really go a longgggg ways to show how much they disagree with everything I can ever do. I could understand being called out by like... a big time guy in the business, but he would just be an asshole then... calling out people making who are just making music... These guys just kinda creep me out from time to time with their obsessive negative reaction to me. I’d put my skills against theirs any day.

At first I thought this was a good-natured joke, but the more I watched, the more I thought "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh this is REALLY WEIRD"

I write a lot about scene kids, which makes our readers angry and confused because unlike me, they are threatened by new things. I think one of the things that's hardest for them to digest is that scene culture is such a disparate mishmash of references from other subcultures, but done in a way that's completely effortless and authentic. For example, BrokeNCYDE draw from crunk rap, screamo, trance, and deathcore, to which old people reply "Wait, wait- you can't do THAT!!" Or how scene kids wear Hollister like it's their job- that seems insane to people who grew up in a time where wearing a mainstream brand like that would be considered treason if you listened to metal or hardcore. You're another example in that you play some of the most ass-raping slam metal on the planet, yet wear non-ironic Wu Tang shirts, spin drum-n-bass, and went to prom with a hot girl. What does this all mean? Is everybody in your generation a walking mashup or what? Why are old people like me so confused and upset by this?
HAHAHAHAHA!! so happy you brought up BrokeNCYDE. My buddy and I made a joke/mocking project called The Mercury Drug where we use auto tune, talk about sluts, use hardstyle breakdowns and continue with silly outfits. I just do whatever I want. I don’t really like fallowing fads or clicks. I just do what I want to do, I play what I want to play, I dress how I want to dress. I’m pretty “whatevs” on the whole subject.

The latest music video from The Acacia Strain

Finally, we would like your help deciding which of these bands is the biggest bunch of wiggers. Please watch the following videos and give us your thoughts on eacg in a couple sentences, then choose one "winner."

Fury of V "Do Or Die"
Hahahaha!!!!! “Lolocaust”

Despised Icon "Day of Mourning"
I miss the healing process...

Mordred "Every Day's A Holiday"
What the heck?... No seriously... CrAzY bReAkS from the random Run-DMC cat... Not really.

Winds of Plague "The Impaler"
Life ain’t nothing but bitches an money.....uh... Wait.... Never mind, Lets go cleanse azeroth of orcs with an double sided two handed axe (+ 22 to Agility; +4 Deffense; 2% chance to cast Thunder Bolt) (...?)

Downset "Downset"
Thug life? No, wait???... Whaaatt.......?

The winner is Rehh Dog “Why Must I Cry”

Thanks for your time! Please add/plug/say anything else you would like to add! Oh, one last question: Why don't you wear a puffy vest like Johnny Plague??
Sorry if I have bad grammer, I didn’t reread what I’ve written... Thanks for the intie and thanks for the support mate!

And I have no idea... i’d probably feel goofy.

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Disfiguring the Goddess
Big Chocolate Productions
Efficient
The Mercury Drug

Deathcore: Now Only 99% Worthless Shit

Since Century Media acquired a controlling interest in Metal Inquisition last month, it's been nothing but red tape and hassles (read their press release for more details). For example, I spent the majority of this week in orientation meetings with various stakeholders to exchange information on market research, our capital structure, and so forth. In particular, our two-day summit on developing trends in wiggerish arm movements was eyeopening: I realized I had a shocking lack of information on what Kids These Days call deathcore. After a scolding from our CMO, I did what I do best: learning about things that make me angry and confused, then reporting back to our readers.

Abnegation: arguably the first hardcore band to play legit metal? Either way, all I can think about is licking Dave Steele's sweaty chest, I don't know why!

Sarge, I am already getting confused and angry. WTF is deathcore?
Basically, deathcore is hardcore kids playing death metal (or trying to). The current deathcore poster children include Suicide Silence, Winds of Plague, Job For A Cowboy, and Bring Me The Horizon. I will go into more detail below, but that's deathcore in a nutshell. The term deathcore isn't new. Back in the 90s people called Overcast and Bloodlet deathcore, but that really wasn't accurate. Bloodlet were heavy and dark as fuck, but their drummer/creative director Charlie's favorites were Helmet and Dave Matthews Band; he hated death metal. Back then, hardcore kids who liked Pyrexia as much as they liked Earth Crisis were a rare and elusive breed. For example, when I met Joey from Circle of Dead Children at some fucking horrible hardcore show in Akron, Ohio in 1997 I just about shit myself when I noticed his Hideous Mangleus shirt (if you know Joey, tell him to email me, he should know who I am if you show him this post).

Today, though, it basically goes without saying that all hardcore kids also like legit death metal. Fast forward 10 years or so from when I met Joey and you now have zillions of kids who like hardcore and death metal. Those zillions of kids are in the zillions of bands who make up the current deathcore scene. While there is a seemingly endless supply of deathcore bands, the way I see it they really fit into one of three flavors.

I fully support unreadable band logos as long as they are spiky death metal/grind ones, but I can't back this bullshit. I have no idea who these turds are but I am pretty sure there is no need for me to find out since I have already heard Carnifex and Whitechapel and do not feel like further torturing myself.

Flavor A: Dillinger Escape Plan covering Dissection
The most common flavor of deathcore is this wretched sub-genre. Like many kinds of metal, it's the product of angry nerds who channel their rage and alienation into music, retreating into their bedroom after getting stuffed into their locker at school by jocks. Normally that's what inspires kids to do something cool like start the next Black Flag or Devourment, but in this case the outcome is much less awesome: because these kids are suburban pussies in the "gifted" classes, they choose to show how much they hate their wretched existence by cramming as many notes as possible into a 4-minute song. I know, what the fuck? Worst form of teenage angst ever.

This band is called Here Comes The Kraken. More like "here comes the litany of recycled Gothenburg riffs" amirite?! Zing!

Like riff-salad-style death metal, there is nothing wrong with this stuff per se, there's just absolutely nothing right with it. The kids can all play their balls off, the recordings are surgically precise, and they've clearly studied every note of every At The Gates-inspired band ever (as Metal Sucks pointed out a while ago, they probably listen to Killswitch Engage, not ATG or Dissection themselves). I totally understand being into a particular genre and the conventions that go along with it- I am currently listening to Putrid Pile as I type this- but enough is enough! Hardcore kids have been jocking Swedeath for like 10+ fucking years now. It was dumb and played out then and it gets even more played out with every generation of entry-level moshers who think they are the shit because they can play a gay, major-key metalcore riff that sounds just like every other gay, major-key metalcore riff since "Slaughter of the Soul" came out.

This assbag sings for Bring Me The Horizon. When he is not playing in his Soilwork tribute band, he makes cute faces in front of the camera for his clothing company, Dropdead (even more annoying than the band Dropdead, if you can imagine that).

I was trying to come up with a witty caption to write about Oceano, but then I pressed "play" on the video and promptly fell asleep.

Despite being so repetitive and dull that it makes Benediction sound positively electrifying, this shit is shockingly popular: Suicide Silence went to #32 on Billboard, Winds of Plague made #73 (Brokencyde beat them by making #68 LOL), and Bring Me The Horizon's video above has over 10 million views. Perhaps this is one of the few times where even Sergeant D is confused and angry about the latest developments in youth culture- although as our readers know, I am a big Winds of Plague fan so I'm stoked on that much at least.

Despised Icon incorporate many wigger slam elements into their take on riff-salad-style deathcore, making them my favorites in this category. Between his New Era hat (at a jaunty angle, of course) and the surprisingly legit slamz at :45, this video is very relevant to my interests!

As a teen, I craved blast beats like a tweaker fiending for his next bump. I was so hard up for blasts I would even stoop to listening to the occasional Rot or Anarchus 7"- that's the grindcore equivalent of a junkie shooting up in their dick because all the veins in their arms are collapsed. I never thought blast beats would be popular, and I definitely didn't think they could ever become boring. Clearly I am shitty at predicting the future, because today there are dozens of blast beat-laden deathcore bands who are not only popular, but also boring as fuck: Carnifex, Job For A Cowboy, Annotations Of An Autopsy, and zillions of others. I got so annoyed by these cookie-cutter assfaces I had to listen to some Human Rejection to cleanse my soul.

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The geniuses who call their Christian deathcore "gorship" have this new logo: the REPENTAGRAM! Sadly, I'm not fucking kidding.

Flavor B: Korn covering Broken Hope
Hopefully you read that description and thought to yourself, "Holy fuck, I had never considered the nightmarish possibilities of such a combination and am strongly considering suiciding myself so I never have to." The good news is that you probably already know what to expect: EXTREMELY generic USDM fast parts mixed with open-string bounce parts tailor-made for crabwalking. Seven-string guitars are frequent purchases for the bros in these bands.

If you thought Korn-meets-Broken Hope wasn't enough of a shit sandwich, Impending Doom add a dose of Christianity. Makes me miss the good old days of moshing 4 Jesus with Unashamed, Focal Point and Overcome :(

This stuff is a great example of how things suck when they are "neither here nor there." What I mean is, this doesn't slam like slam metal, mosh like moshcore, or grind like grindcore, it just kinda does a half-assed, watered-down version of all those things. It doesn't even make me mad like the DEP-covering-Dissection stuff does, it's just really dull and hard to even remember hearing. I could definitely imagine it being on the soundtrack to some crappy Playstation combat racing game like Twisted Metal or something, and I would be like "Whoa, what's this song?!" the first time I heard it, then 20 seconds later I would be more like "Oh never mind, it's just some shitty nu-metal band trying to be 'authentic', it sounded good for a second there though."

This band Molotov Solution really couldn't be a better example of shitty nu-metal meets shitty death metal. I can imagine this being real popular with freestyle motocross and BMX kids from Riverside.

If you are interested in this flavor of deathcore for some bizarre reason, Whitechapel are also a good example. I think you would be better off just simultaneously playing Pantera and Kottonmouth Kings MP3s, though.

A typical deathcore band, probably called something like Tales of Destiny, Reversal of Man, or Plague of Winds. They are most likely signing with Sumerian or Victory this fall.

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I Declare Goddess is a DISFIGURING THE GODDESS X I DECLARE WAR collabo, don't sleep on this shit!

Flavor C: Hatebreed playing Hemdale breakdowns
By now you are probably thinking, "This post says deathcore is only 99% worthless shit, but so far it's 100% by my count." I don't blame you, because I saved the best for last! Given my appreciation of wigger slam, moshcore, and goregrind, it should not be surprising that I love this flavor of deathcore. Because they play nothing but one downtuned mosh riff after the next, many of their songs end up sounding like a series of Hemdale's giant, sludgy breakdowns strung together. Sounds pretty fucking rad, right?! It is!

I am WAY into this band Demolisher. They seriously sound like nothing but Hemdale breakdowns with hardcore vocals over them, it's like my dream band come to life. Note the bro in front's ABACABB "Get Fucked" shirt; I want one!

Because they're drawing more from "core" than "death," this flavor of deathcore doesn't fall prey to fetishizing technique like lots of metal bands do. These bands have figured out something that their boring peers have not: nobody gives a fuck how awesome you are at playing guitar if your songs are boring and limper than Richard Simmons' dick at a titty bar.

I have been listening to ABACABB's new album nonstop this week, especially this song. Make sure you check out the breakdown at 1:30 with "GET FUCKED!" gang vocals. You're fuckin moshing!!!

Only fatties, shut-ins and pedos listen to Braindrill and Necrophagist. Awesome dudes like us moshbros just want put on some Air Max 90s, mosh our balls off to some X breakdowns X and bands like Suffokate, Recon, and Liferuiner are more than happy to oblige. I'm pretty stoked that it's 2009 and there are still bands who just want to see people hardcore 2-step and have a good time, not make the cover of Guitar Jizz magazine.

These 15 year olds are brutal as FUCK despite being called Jerome and barely having half a dozen pubes between them (and sweet Himsa shirt, Pettibone is literally old enough to be your dads!). The lyrics have that kind of disjointed, deranged quality that reminds me of Nuclear Death, which is a compliment I don't just hand out every day:
let em bleed
no legs fucking and no eyes to see
let me know when you die
so i can eat these bloody eyes
I , i'll let you know when i move on
to another one of your fucking limbs
i am so stuffed but your bones look yummy
let me finish you at once

More than anything, this flavor just sounds like 90s moshcore if the bands had good production and actually knew how to play their instruments. I could totally imagine Jerome or Demolisher playing with Fall Silent, Gehenna, Unruh, and Enewetak at some 1995 San Diego or Reno hardcore show, for example. It makes me want to put on my camo shorts, All Out War hoodie, and go windmill some kids!

Monsters: Ho-lyyyyyyyyyyyyyy SHIT!

I'm super stoked I discovered these bands because it's like someone made a genre just for me: It combines the best of braindead moshcore with slam/brutal death metal and tops it off with super aggressive, deliberately ignorant lyrics that make you want to punch people in the face. If you would like to learn more, Youtube is full of X deathcore breakdown X videos, but most of them are just full of the same Suicide Silence and Bring Me The Horizon stuff you've heard a million times. I suggest starting with this kid's 8-part "Brutal Deathcore Breakdowns" series and taking it from there!

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I don't get up on my high horse and complain about posers very often, so please indulge me in this post. I know sometimes our readers and I have our differences, but I hope we can at least come together on the fact that Here Comes The Kraken are fucking complete bullshit and Kids These Days are totally fucked for making shit like that popular. I'm done talking, I'm ready for action. Let's make some yo-yo's and start a fucking firestorm to purify the scene.

Precious Metal: A Winner Is You

A while ago, we ran a contest to win a copy of Decibel's new homage to Word's edit menu, "Precious Metal." At long last, we have a winner- reader John Daly, who posted the following review of the book- keep in mind that he has not yet actually read the book:

I have read this book, as Decibel "Hall of Fame" entries. I'm not digging through the moldy magazines in my bathroom just to win new copies of the same articles. But I wouldn't mind robbing the prize from someone who wants it, so here's a review off the top of my head:

Is it too late to change the title? "Precious Metal"???

Picking "Heaven and Hell" as the first Black Sabbath album enshrined was the smart move, like siding with Barzini was the smart move for Tessio. We all know how well that worked out.

"Lightning to the Nations" crushed me the first time I heard it. Crushed me with disapointment, that is. However, as I get closer to 40, I find myself enjoying Diamond Head more than Metallica.

"Reign in Blood" gets a pass for the pointing goat guy on the cover, although it's not as good as "Show No Mercy" or "Haunting the Chapel". One of many album covers that benefited from being shrunk down to cassette size.

"Scum". Is it possible to put only one side of an album in the Hall of Fame?

Repulsion, Morbid Angel, Obituary, and Entombed could have been combined into one "history of Death Metal" article, making room for Carnivore's "Retaliation", Sodom's "Persecution Mania", Holy Terror's "Mind Wars" and C.O.C's "Animosity". Now it's too late, Chris Witchhunter is dead.

If I was going to honor Carcass, "Necroticism" would the last place pick- their "Dimension Hatross"; a middle of the road record that doesn't have the balls to be gay.

A friend made me a copy of that Paradise Lost album years ago. I still haven't listened to it.

Cannibal Corpse? I know it's an extreme metal magazine, but I think the guys at Decibel listen to too much death metal. What's next- an Incantation Hall of Fame?

"Take as Needed for Pain"- I'm 100% behind this. Some guy screaming about kill your mother while the band bangs on their instruments. This is what my middle school classmates thought I listened to when I wore an Iron Maiden shirt.

I assume Darkthrone made the cut because it was easy to get the interviews. Even so, "A Blaze in the Northern Sky" was the proper choice.

I saw Kyuss accidentally in the early 1990s. Now I use that information on record store clerks.

Speaking of record store clerks, one of them tried to play me Meshuggah once. I got out of there fast.

I read a good Monster Magnet interview about banging groupies. I'm not sure it was in Decibel, though. It reminds me of Kurt Brecht's "Whore Stories" book at the D.R.I. merch table. If only that book had served as the template for D.R.I.'s post-hardcore lyrical direction. Instead we got "Gun Control".

The singer for At The Gates gave the "metalhead nod" once. I like him. He seems like the kind of harmless 90s dude who would play bass for Snapcase or something.

A friend once planned on driving two hours by himself to see Opeth. Fearing for his mental health, I accompanied him to make sure nothing happened.

"NOLA" On paper it sounds great. A grunge band with the singer for Pantera and the guy who ruined C.O.C.

OK- I can't lie- I like this record.

"Nightside Eclipse"- once again, Decibel picks the catalog entry that I would have chosen last. Maybe it's me.

I've never listened to Dillinger Escape Plan or Botch. I know DEP is a real band, but "Botch" seems like a name you would make up if you were making fun of 90s hardcore.

A coworker played me "Jane Doe" and it wasn't as bad as expected. When I saw them, however, they succumbed to the failings common to artists of their generation.

Nitro's Hall of Fame status is undisputed, but I wonder what the guy who wrote the "100 Greatest Metal Guitarists" book thinks of them. I'm not going to read his book until he accepts that Yngwie Malmsteen's music is heavy metal. Questions about quality aside, if "I am a Viking" isn't metal, then what is?

Meat Shits- I'm pretty sure this is a mistake. Chad Smith's band is called the Meat Bats.

John, please send us your address and we will have the folks at Da Capo send you a copy pronto!

Metal Inquisition's favorite horror movie: Death Metal Zombies

When you write for one of the leading blogs in the world, as I do, you are often asked questions by people on the street such as:

"Hey, since you write about metal, you must be an expert on really scary things...like listening to an entire Benediction album, or smelling the inside of King Diamond's top hat. Since you know so much about scary things, what is your favorite scary movie to watch around Halloween?

When I'm asked such things on the street, my first response is "Who are you? Get away from me. Let me get into my limo!"




After that, I think about it and only one answer comes to mind. Death Metal Zombies. Although halloween has just passed, there's still time to watch one of the most unbelievable pieces of horror ever put down on consumer-grade VHS tape. If you haven't seen this movie, you might be thinking to yourself that based on the name, it must be a good-ish movie, or that it's so bad, it might be good. Neither is true. The plot of the movie sounds good enough: two idiots who can't act win a tape of what is supposed to be a death metal band (when in reality its just some awful band that the guys who made the movie were friends with, I'm sure), upon listening to one song on the tape, they become zombies. That's it.

Anyway, while the movie does feature multiple bands from the Relapse Records roster (circa 1995) on the soundtrack, the movie is extremely long, the storyline moves at a glacial pace, the acting will make you cringe for such long periods of time that you'll end up with a headache, and the one girl they convinced to get topless will make you dry-heave for days. Having said that, there are just a couple of gems of awfulness hidden in the movie, amidst a sea of boring scenes that go nowhere and aren't scary or funny.

In keeping with Metal Inquisition's ongoing quest for giving our readers only the very best, I've picked out the following choice moments that are sure to delight our readers. I must warn you though, do not be fooled by thinking that the humor levels exemplified in these clips are any indication of what the rest of the movie is like. You will be very disappointed, particularly because the DVD version of this horrible movie is the unedited version. Holy mother of god! If ever there was a movie that could have used MORE editing, it would be this one.


Some of the most memorable quotes in the movie are in this first clip. Please note what might be the absolute best example ever of Metal Mama Jeans®. Note how the pants are up so high, that most of the printing in the Relapse Records t-shirt is hidden under the 16" zipper. There are way too many other great things to point out about this clip. Just watch it.








Pungent Stench reference, awful acting, and the girl uttering the term "pusswad". It's comedy gold, gold I tell you!





Again, too many things to even begin to point out. Check out yet another pair of Metal Mama Jeans®. This girl is a real seductress! Also, an Apple IIe in 1995? What the hell was he doing on that machine, playing Oregon Trail?






I don't know where to begin. Just watch.




If you're not exhausted yet after having watched those clips, I will leave you with one last bit of information. The protagonist of the film, and Ms. Metal Mama Jeans® are still an item. At least it appears that way from his Facebook picture.

Metal Inquisition Mailbag Vol 1

I finally checked the Metal Inquisition email account for the first time in weeks, if not months, and saw that we had actually received quite a bit of mail. Although most of was retarded crap, we appreciate that you spent the time to get in touch, so we will try to address it here. There is a lot, so I will just answer a few pieces of mail at a time, starting now. If we didn't get to your email this time, and you're disappointed, you should kill yourself immediately. But we will get to it next time, and keep writing!


Grill Em All
Ryan writes:

hows it going man? My name is Ryan and im the dude w/ the grill em all tattoo! ha, im glad you posted that on yer site, my friends and i are fans, so that made my fucking day! Anyways, i play in a metal band here in los angeles called Sumerian Axe, you may or may not be into it, but i figured i'd shoot you the link either way.

http://www.myspace.com/sumerianaxe

The Inquisitors respond:
I'm pretty sure I met Ryan like 10 years ago or something in Ohio, but I could be wrong. If so, his child-like grammar and spelling make me think that he has suffered severe head trauma since then. Anyway, if you're into beard metal, check his band out. I listened to it for a second or two, then shut it off and turned on 311.

Get Thrashed
Hey im a poser so i wont waste your time, (but who isn't a poser by your standards?). Anyways i have watched a documentary called "Get Thrashed" about 5 times since it came out a month ago, Since the best part of my day is reading your blog, i think it would be a great post if you guys did a review of this doc, and provide us with some answers to what the hell is going on in this masterpiece. If you haven't heard of it check it out, acquire it, and i promise it will contain an unlimited amount of hilarious post material. Some questions i would like answered after watching the movie....

www.getthrashed.com

1. Can you locate the actual scumbag trailer park Bobby Blitz is doing his interview from and, put a logical guess to how many meth dealers are within a 10 mile radius.....mine is 1,000

2. Dave Mustane hates Beef Stew....why?

3. How many posers did Gene Hoglan actually kill?

Whatever, I'm drunk and i think this would be cool, I love your blog, fuck you.

The Inquisitors respond:
I watched the "metal vs. hardcore" clip and confirmed that this movie is like every other music documentary: 90% old, washed up douchebags telling story after long-winded story about exaggerated versions of things that happened 20 years ago (see also, "American Hardcore"). I'm sure to them the stories are super interesting and incredibly shocking, but to the rest of us they're about as exciting as your uncle's fish stories. Basically, the thrash version of Bruce Springsteen's "Glory Days," only not nearly as good.

Retard, Morlock, or Eastern Euro? You be the judge.

Eastern Europeans: The real-life Morlocks?
Ian Spermgrinder writes:
Forgive me if you're already aware of the phenomenon of Krabathor, a band from the Czech Republic whose lyrical content would make that of the early 90s British band Cancer seem highly intellectual.
Usually when a band uses english as a second language, there's a gradual learning curve and they end up getting it more right than wrong. Not Krabathor. Each release continues to defy the listener's/reader's ears/eyes with the pure nonsensical ramblilngs that is usually the exclusive purview of Japanese Wigger Slam bands. Check em out.

The Inquisitors respond:
I have heard Krabathor, but I didn't know that they were such an Engrish factory! I hopped on their MySpace and checked them, with hilarious results:

I'm irritate appearance
In the eyes is death and revenge
In my face is grisly anger
Task is O.K. - killing the brain! <-- This was my favorite!

Don't control my wrath
In the veins is poison
Killing for my virtue
Slowly let out poisonous blood

Psychodelic

Every have own mistakes
I've defect in brain
Now we are in a row living
I'll kill, piece by piece

I'm loyal for death
I see only hopeless
People are the fuckers <-- Also a classic!!
Therefore kill, kill, kill!

Psychodelic

I kill the innocents,
But among they are the offenders
Death even so is just
I kill the others, don't will better

Thanks for the tip!

Do the Dew
Brian shares the following inspirational image. Keep it fuckin' sick, bro!! Guttural slamming brutality crew, Pepsi chapter!!


No frills metal humor
Mark is a man of few words, and write the following concise note:
I enjoy your blog, so here are some more photos to make fun of.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=377681046
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=301075254

The Inquisitors respond:
Sure enough, there are some doozies in here!

For being so grim and necro, he looks remarkably relaxed, even pleasant. I'm trying to figure out what's going on with his flooring: is that weird carpet, or crappy linoleum tile that's coming up at the edges? Either way, I would take a look at it before it gets worse. If there's water damage, you want to catch that as soon as possible!

And here he is out of costume. It's not a bad little back yard, although with houses on either side, I think it might end up being a little too shady and cool for my tastes. You would really only get sun back there at high noon. It seems like it would be an ideal place to grow something that thrives in shade, though, like bluebells or maybe something in the nightshade family. I love bluebells, they're so pretty! Also, the shiny red ball.

Oh come on, you're not even trying!! Back in my day, we at least got in the car and stood in front of the scariest building in town instead of just crudely photoshopping ourselves in front of something off of Google images. And what kind of a name is "Restless"? That's like using "Mildly Annoyed" or "Uncomfortable" as your black metal name!

Until next time... keep the emails coming!

Sonic Violence: Metal's Answer To Right Said Fred

As we have stated here at M.I. before, the Hard N' Heavy Grindcore compilation was an extremely important landmark in the world of death metal. Not really. Still, that damn video continues to deliver joy every single time we watch it. Pretty amazing feat, since it was more than 15 years ago that each of us bought it at our local mall's Suncoast store.

Yes, the name of the video was largely incorrect ("Boring Death Metal To Fall Asleep To" would have been more accurate), the animation was laughable, and many of the bands were awful. But hey, you have to break some eggs to make an omelette. By far one of the greatest eggs to be broken in order for this great metal omelette was Sonic Violence. Many critics have argued that Cerebral Fix was the lowest point in the video, and perhaps those critics are right. But when it comes to sheer stupidity, musical madness, Right Said Fred-like fashion choices and extremely quotable content, Sonic Violence are the kings.


As you watch the video below, note that they have to use two bass players in order to replicate the heaviness of their prior bass player. Perhaps they should have looked into having one bass player use something a bit more substantial than a damn Peavy 2 x12! (Hence my use of the "budget metal" label.)

Reinterpretation Of A Deicide

Dear Metal Inquisition readers, I would like to introduce to you the internet's Acutewit. In this video she attempts to sing Deicide's "Once Upon the Cross." Consider yourselves warned.