Praise Jesus, Praise Real Estate!

Remember how Roger Martinez from Vengeance Rising was way into JC?



That was the old Roger. These days, he's got himself an oversized suit from the discount rack at Men's Warehouse, and he's now way into Real Estate.

Tom Araya officiall hits the wall. Wall reports severe pain as a result of being hit so hard, is left whimpering.

Good god, just look at Tom. Mary mother of jesus and baby jesus...this guy is old. I applaud him for embracing his old age by growing a crazy Jesus beard....but for god's sake, could he please embrace his old age on his own time, and in the privacy of his own home? Look, I know we're all headed in that direction (fat and old) but to rub it in our faces is a bit rough. Remember when members of Slayer looked like this:



and not like this:

It's this kind of pushing that will give you severe hemorrhoids. Ten dollars go out to anyone who can find his neck.

Is anyone else reminded of a bundle of white sage when they look at Kerry King's stupid beard thing? White sage is this crap that hippies burn at yoga studios. I'm glad that Kerry is getting in touch with his spiritual side via eastern philosophy. By the way, white sage looks like this:



But back to that old picture of Mr. King. Minus the belly shirt, that picture would lead you to believe that he was actually an alright guy back then (even if he was playing with Megadeth at the time). The second picture, I must admit, makes me want to sharpen my machete and start swinging. Now, I know what your saying "hey dude...how can you say that the first picture of Kerry is cool, belly shirts aren't cool!" Well, you are partially right. I mean, belly shirts are NOT cool, but they ARE metal. How can I prove it? By showing you a second picture of an important metal figure (at least to some) rocking a fantastic belly shirt. Enjoy.

Oooh lah lah...so sexy, all that's missing is a nice belly chain

Sheesh, for all the complaining that black metal dorks did back in the day about Anthrax ruining metal with their "shorts and skateboards", these guys surely dressed like they were ready for a day at the beach. What's that I see in the background...Pungent Stench? Godflesh...wow, nothing but the most obscure black metal for this beach bum. Surf's up! Also, look at his awful facial hair. He said he was super evil, but he was clearly influenced by Mexico's comedic actor Cantinflas. Cantinflas was pretty much the opposite of evil. Judge for yourself.




One last Slayer note. I'm sorry to post this again, but it never ever gets old. At least not to me.




Still want more? Okay. How about a depressing video of Slayer covering "Born To Be Wild". The song is terrible, but the video is of some interest because it's about the only time that Tom's bass has ever been heard. Listen to his pointless clanging about :25 into the video.

On this week, 20 years ago

Growing up in South America in the 1980s, little in the way of metal was readily available to us. The tapes my brother and I owned back then were tenth generation dubs, and the Metal Hammer magazines we cherished were extremely hard to come by. The damn magazines cost five times the price printed on the cover, they were at least two years old by the time we bought them, and were often missing most pages by the time they made it to the store. I know I sound like an old man, the type who constantly tells the story about how when he was a kid he had to, "walk up hill in the snow both ways in order to get to school." But see, I AM an old man. As a matter of fact, here's a picture of me with wearing my Cannibal Corpse leotard after I did some shopping at my local supermarket.



So you see, I can't help myself. I'm old(er) and I now tell war stories to everyone. Look, I'm merely trying to paint a picture here, so give me a chance. Metal was beyond underground and obscure during the late 80s in most South American countries. So few people knew about it, that they guarded whatever information or music they had with all their might. The metal scene was made up of very secretive, often scary individuals. To give you an idea of how tough it was to get your hands on music, I can tell you that no record store sold anything heavier than Def Leppard. Perhaps the greatest source for metal music, a small record store (the size of closet, if you can call that a store) which was located downtown (over an hour away by bus for my brother and I) sold Betamax copies of bootleg videos and tapes of albums. Upon paying a ridiculous sum of money, you would be able to pick up your copy of the tape as late as a month after. Oftentimes, you never got your tape, and ended up paying the very same guy who had just ripped you off for yet another tape.

Why do I tell you all this? Because I'm about to tell you that the first major metal concert I went to was by none other than Quiet Riot....and I want to give you some context so that you don't laugh at me for too long.

Looks like these guys owned a ton of sock in the mill that produced striped fabrics.

Right now, you're probably saying to yourself: "What? I thought this was a blog about metal? Quiet Riot? What?" Believe me, I understand your point. But what I'm asking you to trust me on, is that even though most of us were well aware of bands like Cryptic Slaughter, Venom, Whiplash, Celtic Frost and Tankard back then, the idea of a big time band coming to our lowly country was a huge event. This was even true if the band was weak and sucked. We knew they sucked. By early 1989, Quiet Riot were washed up...even for Quiet Riot standards, and thus they ended up playing some shows in South America to pay for their rent. What in other countries would not have even been news, became a huge deal in our backwards corner of the universe. Like a monkey who drinks its own urine due to a lack of fresh water, my brother and I went to the show to see Quiet Riot, all as a result of not having access to "real" bands.




The concert took place in a large arena, with a pretty good local band opening up. The opening band sounded a bit like Maiden, and we were all pretty excited about that. My brother and I were young, and my mom was way cool, so she went with us. The show took place on Ash Wednesday (hence the image at the top). South America being a wildly catholic part of the planet, nearly every single person at the concert (about 10,000 in attendance) had the cross given to them by a priest on their forehead. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but when you consider that many dudes at the concert kinda' looked like this (see below) it was certainly kinda' funny.



No matter how metal, South Americans know that if they don't get their cross on ash wednesday, their mom will kill them. Luckily, my mom was cool and didn't care that we didn't go get one. We never did, and we never went to church, an absolute oddity for south american standards.

In retrospect, its weird to think that one of my first experiences with heavy live music for me was Quiet Riot. I saw many bands play live before that, some great ones, but they're not worth discussing in a metal blog. So, I'm a bit embarrassed about all this, but I ask you to take into account that the time and place where this happened was and is very different from the environment most of us call home today, and very different from what most of you called home growing up. Had I been able to, I would have surely seen some sick bands around then...but none were around. Thus, like the monkey, I drank urine instead of water. You may think I'm stretching the truth a bit when I tell you it was cool to go see Quiet Riot, but believe me when I tell you that a few other thousand metal dudes, some rocking Sodom shirts and bullet belts, were there with me. And we all loved it. That was then. Today, I am a different man. In fact, here's a picture of me at a recent metal fest.

Slayer, too old to rock? Apparently so.

Could it be true? Could the aging metal choo-choo train known as Slayer be coming to it's well deserved and (some might say) long-awaited stop? Based on their age and ability to produce quality music, it would certainly make sense. Tom Araya seems to agree, at least about the age part. Still, one has to wonder if perhaps Tom's catholic guilt has finally gotten to him, after singing "The Anti-Christ" one too many times. Here's part of an interview with Tom, where he discusses the eventual end of the cash cow known as Slayer:

"I don't see it going any further than a certain point in time. We have one more record to do, which is our deal with [producer Rick] Rubin, and we'll have to sit down and discuss the future. But I can't really see myself doing this at a later age."

"There have been remarks made about seeing an old man head-bang," laughs Araya. "And I have to agree. I think the Stones can do that, probably go out and do their stuff in their 80s, but it just wouldn't look right [for us], you know what I mean?

Kerry King responded to such comments in a recent interview:

Interviewer:
Tom said that after the next Slayer album, you guys would have to discuss your future as a band, because he's reaching an age where it might no longer be viable.

King:
I haven't even heard that. He hasn't talked to me about it. But after taking 10 months off, I bet you he's recharged and ready to rock. As far as I'm concerned, I look at people like Ronnie James Dio and Rob Halford and I think, 'Shit, maybe I'm not done!'"

Unable to make car payments, Kerry King has been forced to take the occasional baby sitting job as of late. Aside from providing Kerry with some extra pocket change, it has sent a clear sign to his wife that he's finally ready to settle down, stop acting like a douche, and make some babies. He'll probably keep wearing huge camo pants, but at least it's a start.

I understand both points of view. Tom wants to spend time at home with his family, going to church picnics and tending to his mane. Kerry wants to make more money so he can keep eating, and at one point finally launch his wrestling career.

No matter how awesome rednecks in Kansas think Tom is, his daughter still cries in embarrassment when forced to be seen with her aging dad.

Heaven Or Hell

HELL:

Italian monk who looks like Lars Ulrich's dad starts metal band.

Italy isn't just about pasta, Catholic guilt, mafiosi and trains not running on time. Oh wait, it is. But aside from that, some cool things happen there from time to time. For example, an Italian Capuchin monk has started a metal band with some dudes that look like aging Limp Bizkit fans. You see, he was inspired after having seen Metallica live, which makes him one of only three people worldwide to have seen the band live in the last decade and not thrown up consistently for the subsequent 24 hours. I thought the only people Metallica ever inspired, were fat 15 year olds who picked up a bass and learned how to play "Orion". In case you're wondering, yes it's a monk...and not Lars Ulrich's dad.

In this picture we see Beardo-Papa Ulrich taking a quiet break from making his tiny son feel inadequate on film.

But wait. Before we get to the video of the monk rocking out...I should mention that Torben Ulrich actually has a band of his own. As it turns out, he's a semi-acomplished jazz clarinet player, who was taught how to play the instrument by Jazz great Sidney Bechet. So, perhaps he knew a little something when he told Lars to "delete that" regarding a new track Metallica recorded in the movie Some Kind Of Monster. You can read about Beardo Ulrich's band here. He's also some kind of artist (get it? A Metallica reference). Way better than Paul Stanley's work. Here's one of his paintings below. You can see more in his site.


Okay, enough about papa Ulrich. Here's the video of the metal monk.

Christian Black Metal: A Photographic Overview

If christian metal taught us anything during the 80s, it's that any musical style can be co-opted by any group in order to use it for its own purposes. Enter christian black metal. Yes, it's been going on for a while, and most of you already know about it, but I didn't find funny pictures of christian black metal bands until recently, and that's what matters. I'm not going to discuss the music that these bands play, because it's black metal...so what really matters are the pictures.

Frost Like Ashes

At first, you look at this picture and think to yourself,

"Hey, they don't look so bad. They have the black metal look down pretty well."

But then you start to see certain things. First, a Reverend Horton Heat t shirt? Are you kidding me? Everyone knows that liking non-metal music is best left to musical weirdos like Cynic, who proudly stated that their favorite artist was Chick Correa in the pages of Metal Maniacs.

Even if you like Reverend Horton, don't wear a damn shirt announcing it at a metal show! Jesus (no pun intended), didn't you get the memo? I'll let the Biohazard tattoo pass, since I can tell myself that it's not for the band at all. Perhaps he's way into medical waste. Another thing, fatty really should have taken more care on how he did his make-up, half of it is on his t-shirt, and the other half went on his ear. I do have to give him props for managing to incorporate his pointy sideburns (he likes Reverend Horton Heat after all) into his make up. Lastly, is the singer seriously wearing catcher leg guards?






I don't have much to say about this last picture, except that he should consider some Crest Whitening Strips. And less ice cream cake.

Horrific Majesty

Horrific Majesty is a one-man black metal project that rocks out for the lord. Like any other self respecting one-man black metal project, Horrific Majesty has put out both black metal and atmospheric releases. It's exactly the same thing as Burzum, minus the homocide and jail time, and the satanism. Wait, was Burzum satanist, or just pagan, or was he into trolls and gnomes? I forget. Anyway.... is it just me, or is christian music basically a bizarro-world where you can do exactly what someone else has done and just make it christian? I guess no one questions the originality of the music, since the content is up their alley. But would guys in bands like this seriously claim to not be highly influenced by people who are, theologically speaking, from the wrong side of the tracks? Okay, who cares about that. Let's talk about the picture. When I think of the most evil things on earth, I always think of bird baths. The only thing more evil than bird baths, are those reflecting balls that fat white people have on their front yard throughout the midwest.

Antestor

Is it just me, or are there some homoerotic overtones in the picture above? Also, what's with the white robes? He's like the Stevie Nicks of christian black metal. What could possibly be be all that evil about two young, healthy men in their prime going for a quiet stroll with a masculine horse? Not much, especially when it looks like you're going to burst into "Gold Dust Woman".



Again, a bit homoerotic, and that mock turtle neck is not exactly metal. Still, they get points for having okay make-up and taking these pictures in the snow. But that mock turtle neck still bugs me, it looks like he's about to go play a round of black metal golf.






In this most recent shot we find Antestor at that most awkward point in any black metal band's existence. The band doesn't want to wear make up anymore, two guys have shaved their heads because they're was going bald, and at least one member in the band starts to throw the terms "atmospheric" and "ambient" around. As far as fashion goes, their musical conflict is clearly expressed through the choices they make. One guy wants to rock the sleeveless Diesel shirt, while another still wears leather pants. Though they may be European, they might as well be from Jersey. The end of the band is certainly near. They will break up into multiple one-man projects, I can feel it.

Fire Throne

This is perhaps the most out there example of the christian bizarro-world. A two man band named Fire Throne. Fire Throne? First, it doesn't even make sense. Second, it's kinda gutsy to call your band something so close to the name of the band that is considered to be a huge pioneer in a genre. Maybe I'll start a crappy thrash band that eventually sinks like the Titanic and call it Netallica. Nevermind that everyone has already ripped Darkthone off, or the fact that Darkthrone iteself was derivative at times, but this is just funny. For a second, I thought this was a joke band. Remember 2 Live Jews? Their album was called "As Kosher As They Want To Be" (as opposed to 2 Live Crew's "As Nasty As They Want To Be.") I thought it was like that, but for black metal. Or perhaps like Weird Al Yankovik. Sadly, that's not the case. This band is serious. Oh and one of the band members is called Unblasphemer. Great name.

Vengeance Rising's Roger Martinez: Stage Banter All-Star

In the world of super annoying human beings, Vengance Rising's Roger Martinez needs no introduction. We have examined his insanely annoying antics before, and now you can see how they translated into his stage persona. As you watch this, remember that he went on to became a satanist, and offered free records to people in the military who would wage war on christians. Forget the GI Bill, pay them with Vengance Rising records!

Reinterpretation Of A Deicide

Dear Metal Inquisition readers, I would like to introduce to you the internet's Acutewit. In this video she attempts to sing Deicide's "Once Upon the Cross." Consider yourselves warned.

Authentic Roman Catholic Funeral Doom

Forget about Disembowelment, Thergothon, Esoteric. If you want real funeral doom, nobody does it better than Roman Catholics. Especially during the holiest, and most metal, of all holidays--Easter. Honestly, what's more metal than Christ crucified? Nothing!

Here's a little taste of how it's done in the old country. Real old school style.