The Mortiis Toejob*

When he's not busy making shitty music, Morttis enjoys worshipping feet.

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't get foot fetishes. Sure, I can appreciate a nice pair of feet, but my appreciation ends at "hey, nice feet," before moving on to a much more interesting body part, like the ass. I've never gotten a boner from looking at someone's feet, I've never sucked on anyone's toes (okay, maybe once, but I was really drunk!), and I certainly don't want to be jerked off by someone's feet. Mortiis, on the other hand, is a bonda fide foot fanatic.

If you're as ugly as Mortiis is (I think the elf makeup and prosthetics is actually an improvement over his real face) you take what you can get. In this case, all he could get was a fat, ugly pig by the name of Sarah Jezebel Deva. Sarah is a backup singer for Cradle of Filth (I didn't even KNOW Cradle of Filth had backup singers!?) and lead singer for her own shitty band, Angtoria. Well, apparently things got a little hot and heavy one day while on tour and Mortiis just could not contain himself. He simply HAD to have Sarah's chubby, callused toes in his mouth. Sarah was kind enough to bless the world with the following photograph of Mortiis caught in the act, knuckle deep.

This has got to be the most disturbing thing ever posted on Metal Inquisition.

Judging from the caption, Sarah's command of the English language is equal to that of your average teenager. Pretty sad when you consider she's 31 years old. Using "u" instead of "you," adding unnecessary apostrophes, misspelling common words, using "cos" instead of "because," and using excessive punctuation. As if you couldn't already tell just by looking at a picture of her that Sarah is retarded. Not to mention the fact that the caption itself is so fucking vile it makes my stomach turn. The thought of sucking on Sarah's pudgy, sweaty toes after a day of walking around London in the blazing sun makes suicide sound like a pleasant idea. There isn't enough alcohol on Earth to get me to put those toes in my mouth.

As for the authenticity of this photo, I'm no photography expert, but all of my internet detective work points to it being real. Same horrific face, same shitty tattoos. You be the judge!

*Thanks to reader Darley Green for the story!

Retroview: Dio - Holy Diver

Let me state my case plainly: if you do not like this album, you are a piece of shit. If you think this album is a joke, you're a retard and you don't know shit about metal. In fact, I'll go so far as to say that if you do not like this album you have no business listening to metal. It's as simple as that.

First of all, look at the cover! How much more metal can you get than some demon drowning a chained up priest from a mountaintop under an ominous sundown!? So fucking awesome.

The album kicks off with the balls out rocker "Stand Up and Shout." Vivian Campbell (of Def Leppard fame) lays down some killer riffs while Ronnie wails nonsensical shit like "You are the driver/ You own the road/You are the fire go on explode!" "Holy Diver" is a stone cold, undeniable classic. That epic, chugging, mid-paced riff is unforgettable. Again, I have no idea what the fuck any of it means, lines like "Ride the tiger/You can see his stripes but you know he's clean," make no sense, but who cares? From there Ronnie goes on to sing about riding gypsies, not talking to strangers, and being invisible. "Straight Through the Heart" is another favorite. It's four and a half minutes of pure fist-pumping, head-banging intensity. A song about a rainbow (even if it's in the dark) with a keyboard-driven melody doesn't sound very metal, but "Rainbow in the Dark" is an umistakable classic and perhaps Dio's finest moment. The album comes to a fitting close with the creepy-crawling power ballad "Shame On the Night" and in just over forty minutes you've experienced one of the greatest metal albums ever made.

And of course let us not forget the excellent videos that accompanied the album, the most memorable of which is for the title track, "Holy Diver." It features a fur-clad Ronnie James roaming a desolate land as the most improbable and least intimidating of warriors. He turns two vagabonds into rats with his sword and then visits a blacksmith where he receives a new sword and then proceeds to prance around a castle swinging his new sword around betraying the fact that he has no idea how to actually use it. I'm not sure which makes less sense, the video or the lyrics, but I love them both dearly.

The second video is of course for "Rainbow in the Dark." In this classic video we find our favorite heavy metal elf singing on the roof of some building in a leather vest with no shirt on while some creepy schlub in a suit lusts after some chubby girl he sees on the street. Vivian Campbell then rescues the girl from the clutches of the creepy schlub by playing a guitar solo in his face and Ronnie continues strutting and singing on the roof. Keep your eyes peeled for his pointy, fur-lined white boots. Mama mia!

Danny Spitz Is The Leading Cross-Eyed Watchmaker In The Greater Boca Raton Area

Remember how sitcoms in the 80s and early 90s would routinely do a clip-episode where they would simply recycle parts of old episodes under the guise of the characters remembering something? This post is kinda' like that, a rehash of a short, but greatly under appreciated post from the early days of M.I.

To the left we see Danny, working at his shop like the little Jewish watchmaking elf that he is. To the right, we see a picture showing his fantastic taste in facial hair, and his amazingly googly eyes. When you're around him, you better not try any funny business. He's got his eye on you...you just won't know which one.

Got the time tick, tick, tickin' in my head!

Out of all the occupations that a cross-eyed man is well suited for, complex watchmaking (with its miniature parts and precision mechanisms) is certainly not at the top of the list. Well, much like paraplegics who are mountain climbers, or the squirrel who water skiis ...Danny Spitz from Anthrax has beaten all the odds and become a certified watchmaker.











You can read more about his passion for perpetual calendar chronographs, see information about his credentials and learn more about his Boca Raton shop here. Please note the slight, but certainly obvious case of Robb Flynn's disease that Danny is currently suffering from...I mean, that facial hair. Oh my. Even Jewish guys from Queens are not immune. Stay tuned for details about D.D. Verni ditching his life as Overkill's bass player for a fruitful career in heating and cooling.