Cleaning out the Metal Inquisition Archives

I was looking through the Metal Inquisition YouTube account, and realized that a few videos I uploaded were never published.

First up, Barney from Napalm Death showing he's got mad skillz on the mic:




This next one came from one of the many Betamax tapes that are currently housed in the Metal Inquisitions library (a shelf in my basement). It features Kirk Hammet's mustache, and other members of Metallica circa 1991 talking about their new stage set up, and how revolutionary it was. It's as though they invented the cure for polio.




Lastly, we have German (Update: I guess they are actually Swiss. I'm a poser) thrashers Coroner, talking about how innovative their music was, and then telling us super hilarious stories about how "incredibly bizarre" their bus driver is. Hold on to your hats folks, this story is absolutely zany!

Metal Archeology: Artifacts of a lifetime devoted to metal (Part 5)

Look, I know what you're thinking:

Soundgarden? I thought this here blog was all about metal, is this a joke?

Hold on, hold on. Let me explain. Like my other "metal archeology" posts, the point of this piece (calling it a "piece" and not a "post" makes me feel like a journalist) is not the actual item pictured above. Oh no. The point of it are the stories about the time and place of when this item came into my life. Again, I'm merely sharing the memories that having found this item brought back. I found this CD at my brother's apartment, and was instantly taken back to another time and place. So, let's all gather around on the magic, story-time rug as I tell another one of my long-winded tales. One of you can sit on my lap (ideally a thin female, and not a fat beardo)...it's story time with uncle Lucho!

Pictured here is Hellen Rabinowitz, showing kids at Bay Shore Elementary in Hialeah Florida my Nuclear Death "Carrion For Worm" poster. Hellen has been instrumental in taking our Metal Archeology Series Story Time Program (MASSTP™ for short) to schools across the country. The program is designed to bring a real sense of metal history to kids who would otherwise not have access to such information. Thank you Hellen!

The year was 1991, and my brother and I lived in sunny Miami Florida. Death metal was blowing up, and we were close to ground-zero. Extreme metal was in the air, you could smell it...and because we were in Florida, it smelled a bit like old retired people, and salt water. It was a grand time to be involved in metal. Within a matter of about a year, my taste in metal had quickly escalated from Slayer to Napalm Death. Metallica had died, musically speaking, and I had to look for another musical home (so to speak) to live in. Imagine coming home from school as a kid, and seeing your house burn down. What are you gonna do? You just turn around and look for some other place to live, I guess. That's how I felt back then when I saw the world premiere of the Enter Sandman video, and in retrospect I feel like a huge douchebag for having put that much thought into Metallica's musical output. I mean, the members of the band sure didn't put that much thought or effort into it...so why did I? I'm not sure...but I was a kid, and music meant the world to me. Kirk had grown a mustache, Jason had shaved the sides of his hair, and James had somehow become a midwestern redneck. I was confused, and chose to look elsewhere for musical entertainment.

These Peel Sessions records all had the same cover. As a result, I was fooled so many times at record stores, I thought I'd found a nice clean copy of the Napalm Death record...only to find it was June Tabor or some other stupid record.

I first heard Napalm Death's Peel Sessions tape in 1989, when I dubbed it from my friends copy. At first, I didn't know what to make of it and seldom listened to it. As the bands I once regarded as being important in my life began to wither away, I turned to that Napalm Death tape for all life's answers. Sadly, all the answers I got from that tape were short, badly produced, and contained lyrical content with the kind of depth you'd expect from a sixth grade writing assignment. Nevertheless, it was a direction...a path. You see, In 1991 Nirvana became the most important thing to lots of people in this country. Since I went to a school that was about 99% latino and black, there were very few white kids around. As a result, most of the student population around me didn't know anything about Nirvana, and were actually more excited about Ice Cube's "Death Certificate" and "AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted", as well as the first Cypress Hill album (which in retrospect are all good albums, even if Cypress Hill turned out to be douches in the long run, and Ice Cube turned out to have a softer side.) Still, grunge was somewhat in the air, even in Southwest Miami. Along with grunge, a subtle scent of Metallica could be detected in the air. In case you're wondering, a "subtle scent of Metallica" smells like, allow me to explain. The scent that was detectable had a hint of the greasy smell that naturally comes from Kirk's slightly hairy upper lip. Along with that smell, simply add the stench that comes from Lars' huge, untrimmed pubic bush (see below). That's the smell I'm talking about.

Please note Kirk's maniacal smile and his hand, which magically seems to have disappeared into a strategic place inside his robe. If you are ready to dry-heave, you may look at the not-work-safe version of this picture here.

I think it was around that point in my life, more than likely as a result of Metallica becoming so popular, that I started to have a general kneejerk reaction against ANYTHING that was well known by the masses. Like a jilted lover, Metallica had left me...and I took it out on everyone and everything around me. I had been a bit more understanding of pop culture and music before, but it all stopped around that year. If it was on the radio, it was bad. If it was on TV, it was bad. This kind of childish outlook on the world lasted for about two years, until I began to enjoy other forms of music and I finally began to let things go. Like a bad cold, however, this view of the world kept coming back from time to time throughout my twenties in different iterations. Seeing the world in such a black and white manner is attractive, as it lays things out rather nicely. How sad. It's perhaps for this reason that I find it so amusing to see metal fans and punk rockers in their thirties or forties still hold on to that belief system. Popular is bad, unknown is good. TV is always bad, by the way...but movies are good. Go figure. Hmm. But I'm getting off topic once again. Way off topic.

Why are they wearing sunglasses? If you were one of the people responsible for their awful body of work, wouldn't you also try to hide your identity? This is the group of guys who brought you "The Unforgiven", parts 1, 2 and 3. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I like And Justice For All...but the best Metallica songs are the ones they cover. At best, I think they make a pretty good Misfits cover band.

It was during that time that the infamous Metallica/Guns N Roses/Soundgarden tour came to the Orange Bowl. That poor stadium, I'm sure the Orange Bowl never saw sucking that bad until the 2007 Dolphins season. Even then, I doubt that a 1-15 record could compare to "November Rain" AND "The Unforgiven" being played in one venue, all in one night. Ouch. So, although we thought Metallica pretty much sucked by then (and had always hated Guns N Roses, since we weren't posers), we went to our local Sears, which was located by the Dadeland mall. There, we attempted to buy tickets for the show, since Sears was a Ticketmaster outlet. We wanted to get tickets for my brother and his girlfriend (who owned a cool Testament tshirt), our friend Aaron and me. Quick side story about Aaron, a guy who deserves an entire post on this blog. Aaron was a huge Danzig fan. Oddly enough, Danzig is huge himself these days.

Yum, yum. The baby in Danzig's belly wants some cake!

Aaron was from the Dominican Republic (or was it Puerto Rico?), and was black. He apparently didn't know he was black, and commonly made racist remarks. My brother would often say "hey, that's not cool to say...and you're black by the way!" He would get extremely angry when my brother told him he was black, which he most certainly was. There would be absolutely no doubt in anyone's mind, believe me. Anyway, Aaron was way into Wolverine, and comic books in general. It didn't dawn on me until recently that the character Wolverine is supposed to be very short...and that lots of stupid short guys love him for that reason. Did you know that there are actually some Wolverine fans who are angry that the character is being played by Hugh Jackman who is " too tall"? Even as a short man myself, I get severe douche-chills just thinking about anyone giving a rats ass about this...but many do. So, short dudes like Glenn Danzig and Aaron are big fans of Wolverine because he was short and powerful or something. I hate comic books, so my knowledge about the subject ends there. Aaron had stupid Wolverine sideburns, wore a huge Danzig pendant, and loved the tiny man from New Jersey (no, I'm not talking about fellow MI staffer Mr. Gene Hoglan's Balls.) Perhaps the greatest story about Aaron is that he once came into a class he had with my brother in High School and loudly yelled out the following to my brother, as he entered the room:

"Good news! My mom is letting me relax my hair!"

This of course, was as a result of him not being able to have flowing locks, like his hero Glenn Danzig. Now I must ask you...how on earth do you not realize that you are black when you have to relax your hair in order to have a Danzig-like mane? I know many people identify with their nationality, rather than race (as a Latino I'm well awere of this) but this kid was a trip. I hereby urge my brother to write about our dear friend Aaron.

Where was I? Oh yes...so we went to Sears to buy tickets for the Metallica show. By the time we got to the counter, the guy said there was one ticket left. Just one. We didn't get it, and were bummed, while at the same time knowing that we all kinda' hated Metallica by that point. Still, I had never seen Metallica...and thought I should see them once. It's like going to see the grandmother you never knew about in the old folks home. It's a bit of a bummer, you know? We left Sears a bit down, and probably headed over to Y&T records, to drown our miseries away through metal consumerism. I'm sure I bought a Broken Hope cassette, and all was forgotten.

My favorite part about this album is the song "Swamped in Gore", particularly the part that goes "Gore, Gore, Gore, Gore". It's like they took lyric writing lessons from The Exploited or something.

As the months passed, we forgot about the show. More and more posers were listening to Metallica by then, and we figured that not going to the show was the more metal thing to do anyway. Around that time, Headbanger's Ball began to play the video for the Soundgarden song "Jesus Christ Pose", and I was mildly entertained by it. It was no Obituary, but it was certainly better than the Firehouse videos they were playing well into 1992. Shortly before the Metallica/Guns N Roses concert happened, we found out that Soundgarden (the opening band) would be doing an in-store appearance at Y&T Records on the day of the show, and we decided to go. They weren't a favorite band of ours, we actually didn't even own one of their records...but we went anyway. We went to that store about once a week anyway, so it gave us an excuse to go again. On the day of their signing, my brother, his friend Eric and I went. Eric was a very fat guy, who proudly rocked an awful teenage mustache, and had hygiene habits that were questionable at best. My brother was good friend's with him, and he once gave him a handwritten transcription of the full lyrics to Gwar's "Slaughterama" (including all the talking parts). It was like three pages long. He's another character that deserves an entire post. His mustache was thin, thus Kirk-like and gross, and yet his saliva was as thick as Elmer's glue on a cold day. Eric's brother was friends with Malevolent Creation, and had lots of VHS tapes of entire episodes of Headbanger's Ball dating back to when Adam Curry hosted the show. His brother, I should also mention, had this awful pair of sweatpants that was covered in skeletons having sex in different positions. Talk about depressing. By the way, I tried to find a picture of such sweat pants, but was unable to find any. I mean, what should I look for on Google "extremely depressing, awful sweatpants"? I don't even know where to begin.


But back to the story, I apologize for continuously getting sidetracked. I remember waiting in line at the signing, and realizing I had nothing to get signed. The line was short, maybe ten to twenty people or so. Luckily, the label was giving away free promo CDs, so we each took one and got the one you see above signed. Since we were the last people there to get something signed, the guys in the band stood up, and started looking around the record store along with us once they signed our stuff. I remember looking at the death metal vinyl, standing side by side with Chris Cornell. As we were standing there flipping through Revenant records, a store employee told the guys in Soundgarden that they could each pick a shirt from the wall, as a thank you from the store. Still standing next to me, Chris Cornell looked at the wall-o-shirts, trying to make up his mind. He turned to me and asked:

"What do you think, Black Sabbath or Slayer?"

I told him to go with Slayer, and he did. It was a horrible shirt, which had all-over print...that awful trend of oversized screening from the early 90s that thankfully never really took off. It was like an alternate t-shirt format, much like VHS and Beta or Blueray and HD-DVD. The format failed, because Blue Grape Merchandise didn't really get behind it. They were heavily investing in hockey jerseys at the time. At least that's how I remember things. Perhaps Guav can give us more info, since he's our industry insider. Back to the actual shirt though, I always wondered if Chris Cornell wore the shirt that night at the show, in front of a packed stadium. Maybe he did. I remember seeing him about a year later on MTV, wearing what I believed to be this very shirt under a jacket. I would be lying to you if I didn't admit that back then it made my day.

A few years go by, and Soundgarden become huge. I was at the end of my High School education, and I suddenly found the extra copy of the promo CD that my brother and I had. We had each gotten one that day, but only got one signed. Without even thinking about it, I took a Sharpie marker, and copied the signatures from the one we got signed, to the unsigned one. My forging abilities were not great, but good enough. I even took care and used a red Sharpie to duplicate Chris Cornell's signature, (since he signed the real one in red) as though it mattered. I took the CD to school, and told the kids at my lunch table the very story you just read. Upon finishing the story, I brought out the CD, and asked who wanted to buy it. Some kid I barely knew, who was way into Infectious Grooves, bought it from me. I think he paid me about twenty dollars. I hope he enjoyed the hell out of his fake Soundgarden signatures. I know I enjoyed his twenty bucks.

More Metal Photography From Around The Interweb

If you ever thought you looked cool while wearing your Slayer shirt, think again. This is exactly what you looked like to everyone around you, a semi-pubescent rapist with creased jeans.

Here's a little fashion tip...stop pulling your fucking pants up once they reach your armpits. Why? Because you want to have kids someday. Also, show some respect to Pushead, he didn't work on the shading of the scale for hours so that you'd cover it up with your white jeans. Damn.





Was this picture taken in Ohio circa 1989, or Williamsburgh circa 2006?
We'll never know.

Can he open cans with those teeth?
Easily. He can also chew through leather belts and ceramic tile.

Which Overkill album is his favorite?
"I choose to celebrate their entire catalog"

Why is he wearing those safety glasses?
Because once his friend Chester comes over, the shit is going to hit the fan. Literally. Chester is planning on taking a shit on a fan to see what happens. Man, white dudes have all the fun.

Do his victims remember the feeling of his dirtstache on their face for years?
Absolutely.





Fuck...Lita Ford has really let herself go.




Look, I'm not trying to say that you can't be fat AND play in a black metal band. Wait, I lied. That's exactly what I'm trying to say.

PS: Wearing a LIVESTRONG bracelet on stage is not exactly kvlt.




I know what you're thinking "Ha, ha...those third world metal fans sure are funny! Look at them making funny faces for the camera." Well, don't laugh. They're not making funny faces for the camera at all. The economic downturn has hit developing economies very hard. What they're doing is showing potential clients the equipment with which they'll be sucking ten thousand cocks in order to buy a BC Rich Ironbird, and a Marshal practice amp.





As a drummer, I'm very sensitive about the way that fellow drummers are treated in bands. Seeing this picture depressed me to no end. This image is proof that no matter what country we live in, we will forever be second-class citizens. Are drummers really so terrible to be around that you literally have to put us in another fucking continent while we play along to the horrible fucking song you wrote? You agree to play a guy's power ballad, and this is the thanks you get?




Do you remember that one guy in your math class back in the day who said Metallica were "super gay", and that the reason they were gay was because they made a video for One? Well....he was at least partially right.




My reaction to seeing this picture serves as further proof that I'm getting old. When I was 13, I would have found this to be both awesome and hilarious. Today, I happen to know how much it costs to have concrete poured...and seeing this picture is making my blood boil. Fucking kids.




Who knew that King Diamond would be the type to lounge around the house while rocking a free promotional fleece vest, knock-off Oakleys and a Nascar hat. You know you're pushing the douchebag envelope when even Lars Ulrich dry heaves upon seeing you.




Is Jason Newsted so broke that he's cutting hair to make ends meet? No. What he's is doing is collecting hair from stranger in order to give himself Trujillo-like braids. Why? Because late at night, after crying for hours about no longer being in Metallica, he pretends he's on stage playing Whiplash while crabwalking through his living room.




I seriously wrote about twenty different captions to this picture, and none of them did it justice. It's so amazing, that any caption would ruin it. It would be like ordering a $120 entree at a fancy restaurant, and then coating it in ranch dressing and ketchup. You just don't do it. Still, a thought came to mind...

I'd like to think that humans are slightly more advanced than animals, and as such don't eat or normally kill our young. Still, you kinda' have to wonder how this kid's parents stopped themselves from killing him in his sleep at some point. Little did they know that the result of a single night of carnal pleasure would mean a lifelong sentence of having to hear about how amazing both Operation Ivy AND Deicide are.

Special Superbowl Post: Shane Embury and Chris Kemoeatu, one and the same?

Are Napalm Death's Shane Embury and Steelers offensive guard Chris Kemoeautu be the same person? You may think I'm stupid for even bringing this up, but allow me to elaborate.

Look, I've seen Napalm Death live five or six times during my lifetime. NOT ONCE was Chris Kemoeautu there at the same time as Shane Embury. They are NEVER at the same place at the same time. Why is that? I'm telling you, they're the same person! So if you're going to watch the Superbowl this weekend, keep an eye out...I bet you won't see Shane Embury there. Coincidence? I think not.



For all our non-American readers, the Superbowl is a large sporting event where football is played. Not that other kind of football, American football. It's a sport where guys that look kinda' like Dino Cazares hit each other and make lots of money.

One last point about Shane Embury...is there no justice in this world? Aside from being an absolutely hideous, and horrendously fat human being...life has just dealt him another blow. He's now bald. Ugh.

Moving Sale - Everything must go... into storage.

Ah!! It's good to be back! This is my first post since 9/24/08. As some of you may know my life has been a total pile of dog shit since. As we have said many times before, MI staffers are reluctant to reveal too much our personal lives, but I'm gonna make an exception and tell you that my wife fucking left me. The details aren't important, but what matters here is that we are selling our place and I have to move out. I'm selling a lot of my stuff, but not all. I have no idea what shithole in Bed-Stuy I'm gonna end up into, so I'm moving what I'm not selling into storage. As I'm packing, I'll share with you a few things I run into that may be of interest to our readers. Today: some awesome T-shirts.

Crappy art by Stevo

It's no secret I love Impetigo. You can read about my obsession on this post from last year. This sweet Impetigo T-shirt was given to me as a gift by Richard C. of Wild Rags himself, outside the Eagles Auditorium in Milwaukee, WI on July 30th, 1993. It serves as the only piece of hard evidence and proof that I was present during Impetigo's good bye show later that evening. I also wore this T-shirt proudly as we visited Jeffrey Dahmer's place the next day. I was wearing an Impetigo shirt as I stood in front of apartment 213.





This is one of my favorite T-shirts ever. It's pretty bizarre. I traded this shirt with this guy I knew named Brian. I can't remember what I gave him for it, but I know he got ripped off. This shirt is the cat's pajamas! I've only worn this tee a handful of times, since acquiring it in '92. It's spent most of the last 10 years in a plastic bag as demonstrated by its wrinkled appearance. The art is not by Stevo, as Impetigo shirts usually displayed, but it's just as shitty. It looks like it was hand done, not silk screened and the back glows in the dark. That's fucking right bitches, I have an Impetigo shirt that glows in the motherfucking dark. That's how I roll, son!




Kreator 1993 Coma of Souls tour T-shirt. I think the sleeves were removed a few years after that. Not much to say about this one, really. Just that, as you can see, this shirt has been washed a shitload of times and it's so wide it can only be worn by George Costanza.





I don't know WTF I was thinking. Why did I cut the sleeves off on all these T-shirts? I weighed 117lbs up until 1999. My arms were the size of toothpicks, yet I felt my tiny guns needed to be displayed?



This is my favorite T-shirt of this bunch. If I remember correctly, I got this classic tee at a comic book store in Miami. My friend Camilo was waiting just outside in his white Grand Am. I grabbed the thing off the rack and bailed. I wore it at least twice a week since the summer of 1991 until 1998 or so. I'm wearing it in half of our band photos during that time. Many of the scars on the tee are pretty fucking metal, too. A few of the rips came in the pit and all the small holes at the bottom are from the spikes on my belt. The big chunk missing from the bottom happened after a patch I had sown to cover another hole, ripped off during a show in Dee-troit.

Once again, the sleeves were removed at some point. This time, the sleeves ripped and I've had this safety pin holding the thing together for years. I actually still wear this thing once in a while. I usually wear a Harmony Corruption long sleeve under it.

There's a whole box of these things. Every one of them filled with memories and stories.

Alright, like I said, it's good to be back and I hope to get back in the groove and start posting regularly again. Thanks to all the fans that cared enough to realize I hadn't been around. You all need to get a life. Stay metal.

Proof that drummers are retarded (Part 1 of 368)

First and foremost, and in the spirit of full disclosure, I should tell you that I play the drums. I'm not sure if I'm a drummer, but I play the drums.

With that out of the way, I can now tell you something that you may already know: drummers tend to be some of the most odd human beings you'll ever meet. Who on earth would choose such a retarded instrument? It's the least portable instrument (okay, maybe harps and pipe organs are less portable), and one that requires that you physically attack it as though it's your worst enemy. As a result, it should come as no surprise that drummers are weird, unstable human beings. Back when I was in a band, we toured with another band who we were friends with. That band's drummer decided to bring his own pots and pans on tour so he could cook using his own equipment while on tour. I made fun of him relentlessly for this reason, only to realize that I myself had packed and brought an extensive array of cleaning and disinfectant sprays and fluids on tour with me. An array so plentiful, that it would have even been impressive to any C-Level executive at Procter and Gamble. I suddenly realized that drummers were in fact weird, but also that I was part of the problem. I was certainly guilty of falling in love with, and nurturing my childish idiosyncrasies. With that story out of the way, you can now more meaningfully enjoy these retarded drummers.



Did you ever want to see an instructional video featuring your balding uncle Frank showing you how to play a blast beat? Your dream has finally come true:





If I were his drums, I'd be afraid of being eaten. I feel bad for the dude, because he clearly has to run his own video equipment, since he has no one to help him. When you see and hear him play drums, you understand why no one wants to be around him, let alone help him. Nice Umbro shorts though.







This guy has the world's fastest feet, and I'm not just saying that. He won a contest. Have you ever heard the old joke about the special olympics? Even if you win at the special olympics, you're still retarded. (Insert rimshot sound effect)






I bet his mom cries herself to sleep.






This is a true story. When I met Mr. Gene Hoglan's Balls, I went to his apartment and saw a pair of drumsticks in his bedroom. I asked him if he played the drums, and he told me "No, I use those for air-drumming". The fact that an adult man, would air drum with drumsticks was shocking to me, but judging by this video, I guess it's common practice. I think for christmas, I'll buy Gene Hoglan's Balls a guitar pick so he can air-guitar.





An oldie but a goodie. Further proof that drummers are weird, and since british people are weird too, Mick Harris is pretty much a perfect storm of stupidity.

Metal Inquisition Video Vault: Napalm Death Band Members Discuss The Validity And Specifics Of Double Bass

The debate regarding the validity of double bass, as well as the specifics of its use is as old as time itself. More often than not, however, this debate is in the hands of amateurs with little to no real metal pedigree.

So what happens when members of Napalm Death gather to discuss this very subject while at Morrisound Studios (home of the typewriter bass drum sound)? History is made, that's what happens! Notice that Pete Sandoval's double bass abilities get mocked as being used "for the sake of it." After all, Mick believes that double bass should only be used for power.

Pete always looks like he's about to puke, or melt into a puddle of grease. Or both.

As you watch this, keep in mind that this was recorded as Napalm Death mixed their album "Harmony Corruption." Also note the bickering between Mick and Mitch towards the end. It was this volatile relationship that made the Defecation album so good. Lastly, please check out Scott Burns in the background, rocking some sweet denim shorts.




No one better give me any lip about the fact that the picture above is of a double bass pedal, rather than two single pedals. I couldn't find a proper shot with two Axis pedals in one shot. Deal with it.

Metal Inquisition Video Vault: Napalm Death's Mick Harris. The Man. The Myth. The Trumpet Noises.

Within the world of metal, Mick Harris has always been considered to be a pioneer. Often credited with inventing the "blast beat", Mick was an integral part of Napalm Death during the band's early years.

That's one side of this man. But there is another side. The side that makes stupid trumpet noises for no reason at all, while embarrassing the hell out of his band mates. How much of this stupidity could you take? What the hell is he talking about? I left my idiot to English dictionary at home.

Notice how uncomfortable Barney seems in the first part of the video. I know he's probably thinking "Benediction was an embarrassment, but this jackass and his creepy trumpet noises really put my old band to shame." In the second part of the video poor Shane Embury is probably thinking to himself "Oh boy, he's gonna do his stupid jumping around, trumpet sound thing....I'll hold the mic for him...God how did I get to this point in my life? I was a musical pioneer, now I'm holding the mic for a spazztic douche while looking like a huge fat mushroom"

An interview with DECIBEL MAGAZINE's Albert Mudrian

There have been many new metal magazines over the last decade or so, and most of them have sucked. For example, PIT and Terrorizer. Terrible, terrible magazines, unless you like paying $5 to read interviews with Decide's Hoffman brothers that are two paragraphs long and looking at stolen JPEGs of Hate Eternal. Thank Christ for Decibel, which is well-designed, always well-written, and aside from some regrettable beard metal coverage, entirely credible. Decibel Editor-in-Chief Albert Mudrian was kind enough to answer a few questions for us. Now, please buy his magazine. And his book. He probably also has some old Century Media promos he will sell you for cheap, too.

I know you are the brains behind Decibel magazine and the book "Choosing Death." Can you tell us a little more about yourself? What is your favorite color?
I recently learned everything I ever wanted to know about myself after practicing some self-Googling (it’s the safest form of Googling!). I’ll save everyone the trouble of sorting through the 13,000 “Albert Mudrian” matches and just provide the most defining results:

— “Albert Mudrian is fucking faker who wrote that book is just a joke! reading from the book is not worth anything! Albert Mudrian does not know nothing about death metal because he did not know that there was another band name Heretic was already taken back in 1981 duh!”— hornsofthegoat@yahoo.com, from Blabbermouth’s comment section

—“short-haired and friendly” — Pop Matters

—“Mudrian gaat daarbij in op de Britse, Amerikaanse en continentaal-Europese grondleggers, waar zij de mosterd en darmen haalden, en wat ze teweegbrachten bij hun fanatieke achterban.” —Boleuzia Blog

—“He also has a younger brother named James.” —Wikipedia

I’d say this is a pretty accurate snapshot. Oh, and my favorite color is blue.

LOLOLOLZ! He thinks that posing with the DVD version of the Hard n Heavy Grindcore video will earn him scene cred. Try again when you have the VHS tape, poser.

Many of the Metal Inquisition staffers have first-hand experience with the brutal realities of the publishing industry, so we greatly admire your accomplishments with Decibel. That said, it is unfortunate that you are sometimes forced to feature bands like Mastodon, the Dillinger Escape Plan, and other stars of the beard metal scene. How does it make you feel when you barely devote a singe paragraph to a band like Decrepit Birth while fawning over Earth or the latest Hydra Head release for pages?
Thanks for the kind words. I won’t pretend to love every band that’s ever been on the cover of Decibel, but I really do dig about 90% of them (Mastodon and Dillinger included). And I will say that we gave the new Decrepit Birth record considerably more coverage (not to mention a higher review rating) than the new Earth, but I can understand why you’d wanna send in the false metal police for the occasional unannounced inspection on us. I mean, I like the new Genghis Tron LP more than the latest Prostitute Disfigurement, so can I really be trusted?

Not enough bands thank other bands "For inspiration" these days. Why is that?
I stopped reading CD booklets in 1998, so I’ll take you at your word. The short answer is that most of today’s bands are simply uninspired (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!?!) and feel that moving a band they like into their MySpace “Top 24” is thanks enough. I don’t think there is a long answer.

If you had access to Nocturnus' time machine, what band would you go back in time and kill?
It wouldn’t be a band, but instead a person… and I don’t know his name. It’s the dude who was in charge of production at JL America. Seriously, those one-page CD “booklets” still make me angry when I think about them! And I wasn’t about to shell out $25 for the Osmose pressings of those records just to read Blasphemy lyrics.

Hardcore bands seem to emulate whatever was popular in metal a decade earlier. For example, in the 90s hardcore bands emulated Sepultura and Slayer. These days they copy At The Gates and late-period Carcass. What is next for crappy Victory Records bands? Do you think they will ever get into funk-thrash like Mordred?
If only! When Robert Trujillo joined Metallica in 2003, I was hopeful that a new generation of metallers might dig deep into his background and unearth his true musical masterwork—Infectious Grooves—and in the process trigger a retro-funk metal movement! Alas, it was not to be. So if that didn’t set off a 24-7 Spyz-charged renaissance, I’m not sure anything will. I mean, for fuck’s sake, Sarsippius Ark doesn’t even have his own Wikipedia entry. Can someone get on that, please?

We are big fans of wigger slam metal like Devourment, Rest In Gore, Vomit Remnants and Soils of Fate. What do you make of this scene?
Oh, come on. Devourment is still cool, but the Japanese slam metal scene is sooooo 2006! Mexico is the new Japan, people! And Rottenness, who have been ambitious enough to organize the annual Fistfuck Family Festival, are the future of the entire scene! Honestly, the slam metal movement is not my field of expertise, but through that scene I have discovered that Brie is indeed the most brutal of all cheeses!

Nothing says generic 1990s death metal like Morrisound Studios. What do you think Scott Burns is up to these days? Why did he like bass drums that sound like a typewriter?
I gotta defend my homie here. Scott Burns is really one of the nicest dudes to ever come out of the U.S. death metal scene. I think he took an unwarranted beating over the years, because every unimaginative death metal band that walked through Morrisound’s doors just wanted Scott to give their band “that Morrisound sound.” Ultimately, it’s an engineer’s job to get the band they sound they want, so it’s hard to fault him too much for the steady stream of bullshit that was pumped out of there in the early ’90s. And say what you will about that double-bass typewriter sound—it still beats the double-bass lawn-sprinkler system that Cradle of Filth employed in the late ’90s.

Plus, most people don’t know this, but Scott was instrumental in repairing the Nocturnus time machine, which repeatedly malfunctioned during the recording of “Destroying the Manger.” If not for Scott, Louis Panzer would still be limited to thrashing where he was at in Nazareth.

Tell us about writing "Choosing Death." Some of the Amazon reviewers feel that you focused excessively on Napalm Death. I like Napalm as much as the next guy, but why didn't you write more about Suffocation? I am sure that Terrence Hobbs would have been more than willing to speak with you while he was on his lunch break at Guitar Center.
It’s a fair question, but you’ve gotta ask yourself, “Were Suffocation featured on the legendary Hard N’ Heavy Grindcore Video Special?” I think we both know the answer to that. Also, what band that was featured had the longest segment? That’s right, it’s those who were “chuffed and weakened at the same time.” So who was I to question Jennifer and Grob’s vision of the death metal and grindcore scenes?

One of the most annoying things in over 100 years of music is mediocre hardcore bands that think they are funny by giving their songs exceedingly long, sarcastic titles. For example, Every Time I Die. What's the deal with that?
I dunno, dude. I think this should have ended with Drowningman, who (for me, anyway) were the last band to do the funny-song-title-thing well. But you can definitely add this unfortunate development to the growing list of current tired trends, which also includes but is not limited to the following:

— “Pagan” Metal
— Ironic or unironic appreciation of hair metal
— Thrash metal revival (you’ve already got that covered: http://metalinquisition.blogspot.com/2008/02/current-thrashcrossover-revival-civil.html)

I am sure that as part of your efforts to woo advertisers, Decibel conducts reader surveys to find out more about your reader base. How would you describe the average Decibel reader? I will take a guess, and you tell me if I'm off the mark: 32 years old, male, 25 pounds overweight with a neckbeard and a Neurosis tattoo partially covered by his Super Mario Brothers shirt. Also, he is a virgin unless you count the one time he got to second base with the chubby goth girl in 10th grade.
Your question implies that we’ve conducted market research in the magazine’s four-year history. What wishful thinking! The only firm readership data we have to go on is from the comments posted on the Decibel MySpace profile. Based on that evidence, our readership is a 50/50 split between 14-year-old girls who want us to a “HAVE A FUCKING BR00TAL WEAKEND!” and unsigned bands who would like us to “check out [our] new shit that’s up!!!”

That's it for me. Thanks again for your time, and please tell our readers where they can buy your book and magazine!
You can purchase Decibel from Borders, Barnes & Noble, the other usual metal magazine retail suspects and at www.decibelmagazine.com. Choosing Death is available at any fine establishment that sells books about death metal and at Amazon. You guys rule—thanks.

Great moments in art history: "Scum" artwork, Jeff Walker's cat

Apologies to The Deciblog for lifting their content but I couldn't resist- this is too much. Here is an image they posted of Jeff Walker's cat in front of the original drawing for the cover of "Scum."

Read more at The Deciblog