My retarded metal scrapbook, part 2

Here we have further proof of my self-important delusions of grandeur, circa 1992. Archived for your pleasure, numerous receipts of my musical purchases around that time, which I thoroughly believed would be displayed int he Smithsonian at one point.

Sacred Rich "Question", Rightouts Pigs "Stress Related", Brujeria 7", Misifts "Evilive", Death Kennedys "Give me Convenience"

Believer "Extraction", Broken Bones and Tankard cassettes, Slayer "Decade of Aggression", DRI "Crossover", Wehrmacht LP and Metallica "One" 45-single, Slayer cassette, and DOA cassette, Sacred Reich "Surf Nicaragua"

My retarded metal scrapbook

Once upon a time, when my white high-tops were high, and my mullet flowed effortlessly down the back of my neck, I honestly believed that I was destined for greatness. Considering what I wore at the time (black sweatpants, massive amounts of Brut cologne and an assortment of metal shirts), it's fair to say that the greatness I believed to be destined for lay somewhere within the musical spectrum. Perhaps—I thought—I'll get to be the drummer of one of these new death metal bands from Florida (the time being the early 90s and all). My dream was to make multiple thousands of dollars a year, and maybe get to live in the same outdoor storage facility that Chuck Schuldiner from Death lived in near my family's apartment. That, to me, would have been a great success.

Why bring this up? Why do I share my most personal dreams and aspirations? Because I recently found proof of how severe my delussions of grandeur were back then. Though the tendency that my brother and I had for archiving every receipt of every tape and album that we bought back then (starting in 1990) could simply be chalked up to our packrat/fastidous tendencies...I would now argue something else. Deep inside my head, the one with the flowing and elegant mullet, I believed that one day these would be museum pieces. Behind bullet proof glass, in temperature controlled comfort, these receipts would be displayed in the halls of the Smithsonian, or some other similarly impressive institution. Visitors would "oooh" and "ahhh" as they saw when I bought my first Sacred Reich or Kreator cassette. 

That of course, was my dream.

Reality, as is often the case, is much simpler. My celebrity status never came. I never became the drummer of a famed Florida death metal band, and these receipts have yet to be accepted into the Smithsonian. As such, today they are simply what they were then. A sad and retarded metal scrapbook, which I retain to this day.

Receipts for Entombed "Crawl", Napalm Death home video, Autopsy "Fiend For Blood" EP, Broken Hope LP, Prophecy of Doom/Axegrinder split cassette, SOD album, Morgoth CD, Napalm Death's "Utopia Banished"

Separated at Birth: Olympic Edition

I know that, in the top 1000 least metal things to do, watching the Olympic Games ranks just below buying your dog a Halloween costume. But it's not my fault. Last weekend I came down with a bad, bad case of Olympic Fever (almost as contagious as Robb Flynn Disease). I didn't watch 5 minutes of the Olympics in 2004, but I'm addicted to the damn thing this year.

Anyway, I was discussing with the old lady (aka my ball-and-chain), which Olympic athletes we'd pork. Alicia Sacramone and Misty May were my top 2, of course. Then she mentioned Michael Phelps. I'm so metal, I only heard about this dude 7 days ago, but I know enough to know he's ugly as an old man's armpit. I couldn't believe she'd say his name! "Dude, he's fucking ugly!" I told her, "He looks mildly retarded, for Pete's sake! He looks like... he looks like..." Holy shit. That's when it dawned on me! Michale Phelps and Dan Lilker were separated at birth!

The more I thought about it, the more sense it made. Besides their horrible looking face, oddly shaped chin, over sized nose and previously mentioned mentally handicapped demeanor, these two guys have a lot in common. Phelps has won 11 Olympic medals, Lilker has been in 11 shitty bands. Phelps is a dumb flag waiving patriot, Lilker was in SOD... The similarities keep coming:

Their tooth-to-gum ratio is exactly the same


They both look great in shorts. OK, maybe not.


Their sleepy eyes and weird jaw-line makes me want to give them both a hug. Or a drop kick to the face.

The one place were they differ is who they hang out with. Lilker mostly hangs out with loser metalheads has-been's and never-were's in the NY area. Meanwhile, Phelps chills with the president, Bob Costas, Bill Clinton, Paris Hilton, John Travolta and other famous peeps.

Phelps with a few friends


Lilker with a few friends

As always, here's a random image i found while researching this post. Enjoy.

Metal Photo Analysis—A collection of metal photography from around the interweb

I know we're all supposed to be respectful of each other's cultures...but seriously, how can we have any respect for Europeans when they throw this our way? Who gave Jabba The Hut a mic stand and a leather vest? Whoever you are, please ask for both things back. The fat tub of goo (of an unidentified gender) looks like he's about to blow a major artery in or around his face. If he/she does, we'll all be covered with the cholesterol filled goo that no doubt runs through his/her veins.




Well...I guess that's one way to protect yourself from the onslaught of complete and utter shit that you're about to produce on that budget-ass drum set.





Most kids simply get cash for their Bar Mitzvah, this little fucker's parents got him an entire afternoon with heavy metal dwarf Ronnie James Dio. What a better way to make a 13 year old feel like he's indeed a man in his community, than making him spend an afternoon with a 60 year old who is three feet shorter than him, and wears crushed velvet pants from the Victoria's Secret catalog?




Some scientists have claimed that time travel is impossible. I beg to differ. Not only does it exist, it only costs about $800. Simply buy a ticket to any South American country, and you'll see what I mean.





I guess all losers have to find something to do in order to fill the small gaps of time that exist between being rejected by all members of the opposite sex, and being beaten mercilessly by everyone in their school (including the kid with CP who drools on himself). By the way, put a shirt on. Yes, I'm talking to you bird-chest.




Like any other metal kid growing up, I always had a dream of suddenly finding out that I had a long-lost uncle who no one talked to in my family, one who never came around and lived his life of pure metal somewhere distant and awful...like New Jersey. In my dream, my uncle looked exactly like the guy sitting down in this picture, a bad ass rocker with a sweet mustache who's not afraid of wearing his boxers as outerwear. Sadly, my dream never came true. Now, all I have is this picture.





Look, I know that Nile were kinda' good at one point and all, but if you look at this picture and forget who they are...don't they look like the biggest group of loads you've ever seen? Combat boots with shorts? Are you kidding me? Who are you, goth kids at Six Flags circa 1993? Can't you get some normal guitars? That fat tub looks like he's playing on two wooden rowboat paddles.


Lastly, I know the band has an Egyptian theme (a theme, think about that, much like an 8th grade dance), but that godamned necklace makes tubby look like Professor X from X-Clan.







Studies have shown that one person out of every ten is gay. This means that all our families have at least one gay member in them. If that's true, don't you think a certain family member in each one of these guys' families would have let them in on the fact that they are basically dressed as gay sex slaves?





Okay, so some of you know what band this is. Good for you. Put that aside, and consider the fact that this picture contains a robe, a violin, and two swords. Metal bands are basically doing what most of us did in our basements for fun on Friday nights during the 7th grade, and getting paid for it (however little). As such, I want to make fun of them...but I'm also insanely jealous.

Metal Inquisition Video Vault: Napalm Death Band Members Discuss The Validity And Specifics Of Double Bass

The debate regarding the validity of double bass, as well as the specifics of its use is as old as time itself. More often than not, however, this debate is in the hands of amateurs with little to no real metal pedigree.

So what happens when members of Napalm Death gather to discuss this very subject while at Morrisound Studios (home of the typewriter bass drum sound)? History is made, that's what happens! Notice that Pete Sandoval's double bass abilities get mocked as being used "for the sake of it." After all, Mick believes that double bass should only be used for power.

Pete always looks like he's about to puke, or melt into a puddle of grease. Or both.

As you watch this, keep in mind that this was recorded as Napalm Death mixed their album "Harmony Corruption." Also note the bickering between Mick and Mitch towards the end. It was this volatile relationship that made the Defecation album so good. Lastly, please check out Scott Burns in the background, rocking some sweet denim shorts.




No one better give me any lip about the fact that the picture above is of a double bass pedal, rather than two single pedals. I couldn't find a proper shot with two Axis pedals in one shot. Deal with it.

MIOSoMA: MegaMetal vs. RockCards

In 1991 the world of metal was turned upside down with the release of not one, but two collections of heavy metal cards. In one hand you had Impel's MegaMetal and in the other Brockum's RockCards. Even tho I had a few cards of each back in the day, I acquired both complete sets in mint condition in 2001. I traded a mint set of 15th series GPKs for them in a non-sports card convention in Philly. Hey, we are all nerds here, right?
Anyway, today, the question that has been haunting the metal scene for 17 years will be answered: which set of metal cards was better? After an ardous investigation I came up with the answer. Which set got the Metal Inquisition Seal of Metal Approval (MISoMA, for short)? Read on and find out.
(I know there was some other set with Motorhead and a few other metal bands, but it also had Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer, so excuse me if I try to forget that that collection ever existed.)

The Basics
First of all, MegaMetal is a way cooler name than RockCards. MegaMetal's logo has a skull in it and the cards have a black border on them. RockCards have poser gradient colored borders. All rainbowy and gay. MegaMetal also has checklist cards, which made writing this thing a lot easier. MegaMetal is off to a good start.

This image is here specifically for the spookyspeegster, who always complains about the lack of King Diamond in MI.

Size. Does it matter?
MegaMetal's basic set was only 150 cards, while RockCard's basic set was 288, plus 16 stickers. But is this an issue of quality vs quantity? I don't know, but I'll award one point to RockCards.
(Please note: There was holograms, promo cards and gay shit like that on both sets, but let's stick to the basic set)

RockCard's set included pretty bad-ass art stickers

The Poser Factor
MegaMetal featured such poser kings as Bon Jovi, Firehouse, Skid Row, Heaven's Edge (who?), The Front (who?), Vixen (!), Slaughter and L.A. Guns. That's a total of 73 hair-poser cards. That's 2 cards short of half the set.
Not to be outdone, RockCards had Winger, Cinderella, Poison, Skid Row, Warrior Soul (ew!), Whitesnake, Slaughter, Tangier (who?), Warrant, Sisters of Mercy (why?), Bon Jovi, Motley Crue and Salty Dog (who?). That's 144 poser cards. That's exactly half.
By 2 cards MegaMetal comes up on top here, so I'll give them the point. Still, on both sets half of the cards are hair-metal. We all lose.

Seriously, if anyone has current addresses for any of these assclowns, let me know. They are just begging for a beating. Denim shorts (x2)? Are you fucking kidding me?

WTF?
Each set has a few cards that seem to come out of nowhere and do not seem to fit.
MegaMetal has 7 Billy Squire cards. I didn't know Billy was metal, much less "mega" metal. Add 8 Robert Plant cards to that and 8 McAuley Schenker Group cards. That adds up to 23 more cards we can chuck.
RockCards gives us Katmandu (5 cards), Dan Reed Network (5 cards. Who the fuck are these people?), Junkyard (10 cards), Deep Purple (6 cards), Yes (4 cards), The Moody Blues (4 cards), Pink Floyd (4 cards), Iggy Pop (2 cards), Stevie Ray Vaughan (1 card) and Clarke-Rotondo (who? - 1 card) . Total 42 useless cards. This is pretty sad.

I have no clue who the fuck Dan Reed is or why he has a "Network", but what I do know is that they look like idiots.
This why I support tough immigration policy. We could easily deport these dbags.

Surprise!
Both collections have a few gems in there. A few cards you wouldn't expect, but make the set a little awsomer. MegaMetal gives us a Dark Angel card, 11 Iron Maiden record cover cards, 4 M.O.D. cards and 5 King Diamond cards. Not bad, right? Can RockCards match that? Well, not in the basic set, but the 16 sticker set has 2 Slayer covers, 4 Iron Maiden art cards, 2 Pushead cards, and 6 Megadeth's Vic art cards. This is a tough call, but you can't deny Dark Angel. Even if it's just one cards, that's pretty metal. I'm going with MegaMetal on this one, too.

The card that might end up tipping the scale

Down to Business
OK, all the cards we've talked about are the special ones, but what about the rest. The ones we are left with once we throw away all the shit. Well, both sets have Iron Maiden, but MegaMetal features Nuclear Assault, Priest and Dio. Not bad, not bad. RockCards? Well, they got AC/DC, Anthrax, Sabbath, Megadeth, Testament and Exodus. That's also not bad either, but I think Nuclear Assault and Dark Angel are way more Metal. Sorry, MegaMetal on top again.

A couple or rad RockCards of Steve Souza.I can almost hear him: "Do... the Toxic Waltz!"

Individual Cards
The competition is too close to call at this point. What I'm gonna do is look at a few more cards from both sets and make the decision. After all, most people out there don't collect complete sets non-sports cards like I do, so this might end up being the fairest way to judge.

Knock, knock... Who's there?... Tangier... Tangier who?... Exactly.

Yeah, it's 3 different dudes. Seriously, it's 3 different dudes. Yeah, they are dudes.

Damn, it's grampa Lou and uncle Earl!

Lame-ass motorcycle pic, Bad-ass motorcycle pic.

Separated at birth? Nice boots there, brizzy!
That's the beds that Mustaine gives members of Megadeth on tour. Good luck fitting in there, Nick!

MegaMetal has pretty bad-ass Maiden cards. they are way better than RockCards.
Gotta love the hyper-typical Dave Murray "oh-face".

The inclusion of these dipshits is costing RockCards serious points.
They look like rejected extras in a Miami Vice episode.

This dickhead makes me want to kill my family and then spread my brains all over the kitchen table.
GOD! Why does this picture make me SO FUCKING ANGRY?

I went to college with dudes like this. I punched them in the kisser as often as I could.
Die you fucking hippie. DIE!

The world is a worse place because of this picture.
If you stare at this fucking pole smoker long enough, you'll go blind. Try it.

I don't know anything about this band, except that their Photoshop skills equal that of a lab baboon with serious brain damage.
You know, 'cuz the testing they did on'em.

Veredict?
Well, back in the 90's I was all about MegaMetal. I liked the name and the logo, I guess. After writing this post, tho, I'm not so sure. I mean, RockCards have more cards in the set and they have the nice stickers. But they have too much glam shit... MegaMetal has Vixen and MSG, but also King Diamond and Dark Angel. It's a tough call, but I'm going with MegaMetal. I'm gonna trust my 16-year-old gut.

MegaMetal cards get the MISoMA! Congratulations!

Cemetery Rapist invents "cornfield slam"

We are probably all familiar with the term "wigger," and I will not invite controversy by explaining it here. But what you do not hear so much about is "wignecks," which as you might guess combine the best of wiggers and rednecks. For example they might drive a pickup truck, listen to T-Pain, and chew tobacco while wearing a Metallica shirt and Starter jacket. If you are not from the US, you are probably very confused right now. Don't feel bad, wignecks don't make sense to me either. But they're kind of like chavs, if that helps at all.

In any case, wignecks have largely been absent from the metal scene... until now. Cemetery Rapist is a one-man band that plays "cornfield slam metal", straight out of the fields of Illinois. They are the world's first wigneck slam band. They also operate "Fuck The Ass Records," a splendid record label that I am sure is rivaled only by the likes of Wild Rags in terms of both quality and selection.

With the advent of cornfield slam, I believe the world has officially invented every imaginable genre of music.

Lividity shirt = MENSA membership

Metal Inquisition Video Vault: Napalm Death Checks The Album Mix In Scott Burns' Pick-Up Truck

As a little kid listening to metal, I always thought that for musicians (and others who worked in the metal-music biz), the world was surely filled with both brutality and glamour. An enticing combination for sure.

Then I saw this video...and I quickly became depressed. Watch as members of Napalm Death pile into Scott Burns' sad little pick-up truck to check the album mix for Harmony Corruption. Who knew that death metal guys were so comfortable with their sexuality to pile in so closely in a hot Florida afternoon for a metal sausage party? They look like clowns getting into a tiny car. Clowns who record death metal albums, that is. Shane looks like one of those mushroom characters from Super Mario. If you would have told me when I first heard Napalm Death that this is how death metal was made (in a crap studio by a highway in Florida, using a Mitsubishi truck to check the mix) I would have just given up and turned in the few metal credentials I had at 11 years old.

Watch closely, you don't want to miss:

- Scott Burns' tiny denim shorts
- Studio employee asking if its okay if "a guy from Morbid Angel" stops by
- Coroner sticker on pick-up truck
- Jessee following the notes along with his fingers

Great moments in art history: More shitty record covers

Meliah Rage- Solitary Solitude
The cover is bad enough (I believe it depicts Phil Rind from Sacred Reich trying to force his way through an opening that is too small for his body to fit through). But the title is far worse, surpassing even Discharge-like levels of stupidity and redundancy.

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Virus - S/T
Obviously the overall level of craft here is pretty low, which is funny enough. But let's focus specifically on his gun. I like the poorly rendered radar dish or whatever on the top. The artist couldn't even get the pokey thing centered in the saucer... and the gun in general looks like it's melting or something. Protip: use a ruler to make straight lines!

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Psychic Possession - Toxin Diffusion
Now I'm not really sure what's going on here. The guy in the front shined his flashlight on something, and now he's all googly-eyed. Who knows what he saw. Maybe some kind of Lovecraftian horror, maybe it was just Shane Embury with his shirt off. But either way, I'm thinking he's a goner.

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??? - Possessed
Not really sure what the name of this band is. "Assplunder" maybe? Who knows. But this guy put on his best leather pirate shirt and made a silly face for the cover of his demo. I like how he folded his arms like that kind of like how RUN-DMC used to do.

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Pantera - Far Beyond Driven
Well first of all, let me just say that this is hands down one of my favorite albums of all time. "Strength Beyond Strength," "Slaughtered," "5 Minutes Alone"... this record just completely slays from beginning to end. It might be Pantera's finest moment. But the cover art... not so much. Vinnie Paul: "Hey, hey... guys! How about an X-ray of a skull, but it's got a fuckin' SCREW in it's head! Because that's what our riffs are like! A screw in right in your motherfuckin' head!!"

Al Qaeda inspired by generic 90s death metal

Apparently "Azzam the American," one of Al Qaeda's senior operatives and the first American to be charged with treason in 50 years, is a product of the 90s death metal scene. Maybe you have already seen this article, but if not, it's worth reading. Here is my favorite part (emphasis mine):

Death metal is a severe offshoot of heavy metal, a reaction to the superficiality of eighties popular culture. In the early nineties, bands that played death metal considered themselves part of an élite vanguard. They tuned their guitars in unconventional ways, and some, influenced by classical musicians, composed songs that required high degrees of discipline and technical virtuosity to play. Onstage, artists often wore sweatpants to demonstrate their athleticism and lack of pretense; the genre’s signature vocal style is a heavy growling chant. (“We like it when it’s simply rotten,” one musician told me.) It is a subculture in love with its offensiveness, and obsessive about guarding its artistic purity.

Read the whole article here

Retroview: Evildead - Annihilation of Civilization

It's no secret that I am a big crossover fan. Although the genre was widely maligned back in the day, in my opinion it is totally sweet. It combines the ignorance, bad fashion, and misdirected aggression of metal with the childish anger, simplistic politics, and preachiness of punk rock- a match made in heaven!

While they never got as popular as DRI, Cryptic Slaughter, or Wermacht, Evildead were definitely one of the very best crossover bands. Their 1989 album "Annihilation of Civilization" embodies all the elements that made crossover such a great genre.

1. Great cover
First of all, it's an oil painting of biting sociopolitical commentary- so that's the first requirements. But it has all the other necessary elements for a crossover/thrash metal cover, too: toxic waste, stupid puns (its says "Club Dead" on his towel lolololololz, get it??), and a caricature of "the man" sneering disdainfully at the viewer.

2. Chronic "chopaholism"
Bruce Reeves from Phobia coined this term many years ago in his legendary zine Jellobungresia. Anthrax are the kings of chopaholism, because all their songs sound like "chop chop chop-a-chop chop-a-chop chop." Evildead are right up there with them!

3. Insightful sociopolitical lyrics
This is very important, because this is how crossover bands prove how they are way smarter than metal bands and their stupid lyrics. For example, here are the lyrics to the title track on this album:

Christian mind control, brainwashing innocent souls,
Teaching their own twisted fears,
Baptism is final, confirming denial, of the reality
We must deal with today,
No one on this Earth can save us from this hell,
We're only destroying ourselves,
Religion gets its way, so God has his say,
And the Holy propaganda is free...

4. Awesome video that got played once on Headbanger's Ball
You know how you would sit through 2 1/2 hours of bullshit Trixter and Megadeth videos to get to the Triple Thrash Threat? And then they would play a sweet video that would BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND only to never, ever play it again?! This video definitely fell into that category. Make sure you watch it carefully, because there is a lot of detail in it that really makes it great. But that's a whole other post.

Pantera. Much Music. 1992

Here is a splendid interview with Pantera from 1992, right when Vulgar came out. I really like the hostess, I believe she used to be known as the artist "Martika." She seems very uncomfortable with Phil and the gang's unconventional behavior and shockingly frank language.

Also, if you don't like Pantera, you should probably throw yourself on a sword pronto.