I'm starting a band

Back when I played in a band (early to mid 90s) finding members to join in your musical escapades was difficult. More often than not, my brother and I simply reached out to people we already knew, and asked them to join our amazing musical projects. This is the relationship equivalent of dating your friends. We never opted for the equivalent of a personals ad (which would be a listing in a local paper, or the dreaded flyer at the guitar shop). Today, pretty much everything has changed by virtue of the darned interweb. Through Facebook, Craigslist, eHarmony and J-Date...people all over the world are gettin' it on with amazing efficiency. Since I always dream of starting a sweet band, I've chosen to use the interweb as my shopping tool, in order to find the ideal members for my new side project. What do you think?





Okay, so he flubs a few notes, and has one of the chords wrong on the main riff...but check out his commitment to the tune. I mean, the guy has an Ipod on a strap strictly for the purposes of practicing. I think he'd be a great addition.





This guy is a winner all the way. Rumor has it, he can crabwalk even better than Robert Trujillo, and he can do so in 7" heels. Beat that!






This girl is proof that the level of musicianship amongst today's youngsters has risen so far it's not even funny. When I was in a grindcore band, anyone who could play a simple blast beat for about ten seconds, or do pinch harmonics was a god. Jesus, times have changed.






Being gay AND Filipino must be super hard...just ask Kirk Hammett, he's already lost most of his hair due to the stress of living that way.

Cynic/Meshuggah, 2.19.2009. Thoughts and Observations

I don't go to many shows anymore. It's not that I don't enjoy seeing live bands, it's just that my priorities have changed as I've aged. Whereas back in my college years I would happily pile into a car with friends and attend just about any show happening within fifty miles, nowadays I'd rather spend my Friday nights sitting in front of the television watching Battlestar Galactica DVDs with a mug of Stash Moroccan Mint Green Tea in my hand. Not exactly the most exciting way to spend a Friday night, I know, but for me it's entirely satisfying. Last Thursday, however, I was motivated to leave the comforts of my home to do something I never thought I'd be able to do--see Cynic live.


I'm a HUGE Cynic fan, ask any of the Metal Inquisition Staffers. I've been listening to Focus and the '91 demo religiously for years. I'm not ashamed to say that when I heard that Cynic was re-forming I shrieked with joy like a teenage girl that's just been offered a deflowering by Robert Pattison. I was a little apprehensive when I heard that they were recording a new album and more than ready to throw myself on a sword if said album sucked and ended up ruining their legacy. Shockingly enough, Traced in Air turned out to be quite possibly the greatest reunion album in the history of music. Against all the odds, Paul Masvidal, Sean Reinert, and Sean Malone (What the fuck does Jason Gobel have going on that he's too good to re-join the band?) managed to make an album that sounds exactly like what I imagine Cynic would sound like in 2009 if they had never broken up. They've dialed down the death metal and turned up the prog and fusion influences, but it still sounds like Cynic. There's still sweet riffs, soaring guitar solos, amazing drumming, and vocoder. So when I heard that they'd be playing Irving Plaza, which is a mere twenty minute train ride from my apartment, I immediately purchased a ticket.


I managed to time my departure perfectly as I arrived just as Cynic was preparing to play so I didn't have to sit through the shitty opening band, The Faceless, who I've never seen nor heard, but I'm sure sucks. I quickly ascended to the balcony and staked out a spot along the railing to the left of the stage. The place was PACKED. The show was completely sold out. As I looked around I couldn't help but notice the motley crowd. Lots of virgins, some legit bangers, meatheads, Hot Topic shoppers, and quite a few norms. The dude standing behind me was wearing a leather motorcycle jacket with a denim vest over it proudly displaying a Metallica patch on his front breast pocket and he kept making fun of Cynic. Motherfucker. Anyway, from the second Cynic hit the stage they killed it. They looked and sounded great. They played behind a huge banner with the band logo and these standees with the Traced in Air cover art. It was totally surreal. I lost my shit when they started playing "Veil of Maya." Watching Sean Reinert play is any drum nerd's wet dream and Paul Masvidal wailed his ass off. The scab bass player was kinda hard to watch and the scab guitarist was relegated to playing in the shadows. They played a bunch of new songs, which all sounded awesome, and Paul gave a little speech about how the band had come full circle by playing this show because the last show Cynic played before breaking up in '94 was in New York. They also played "Celestial Voyage" and "I'm But A Wave To." I'm still bummed they didn't play "Uroboric Forms" and the dude in front of me kept shouting "Pleading for Preservation," which I knew wasn't going to happen, but at least they did play "How Could I." The last solo in that song is probably my all time favorite and it never fails to move me (no homo). They only played for about a half hour, but I'm not about to complain because any live Cynic is better than no live Cynic.


To my surprise quite a few people cleared out once Cynic's set was over. I, on the other hand and against my better judgement, decided to stay and watch some of Meshuggah's set. I really liked Meshuggah in high school, but once I grew out of liking shitty music I stopped listening to them. I really just wanted to hear "Future Breed Machine" which is the only Meshuggah song I know and admit to liking. Let me tell you, people REALLY like Meshuggah. The second they started playing the entire place went fucking nuts. I haven't seen that many retards moshing since E-Town Concrete's "farewell" show. Needless to say, I couldn't take much of those chodes so I decided to bounce after a couple songs. I should also mention that during Meshuggah's set I constantly kept looking over at this really hot girl standing across from me that looked like Amy Winehouse. She was rave dancing throughout their entire set. Before leaving I took a piss and there was a can of Budweiser and a turd floating in the toilet. I'm pretty sure I saw Lord Ezec AKA Danny Diablo enter the restroom as I was leaving.

The thrash metal checklist

With so many genres, subgenres, and sub-subgenres of metal, it can be hard to classify a band. Are they progressive cyber pornogrind, neoclassical wigger slam, or post-structuralist industrial shred? Sometimes you just can't tell! With that in mind, we assembled this handy guide to identifying one of the most common species in the field: the thrash metal band. Simply go down the list and ask yourself if the following elements are present. Think of it as a Jeff Foxworthy bit: "You just might be a thrash band if..."


Toxic waste
I am not sure why thrash bands have such a fixation on toxic waste, but they definitely do. The image above captures the toxic waste thing nicely, as well as a few other memes such as "smug, fat rich guy on the cover." I guess toxic waste was just part of the zeitgeist of the 1980s, as evidenced by the creation of the lamest superhero cartoon ever, Captain Planet. It's almost charming to look back at the 80s thrash movement as a time when people actually cared about stuff, as opposed to the unapologetic self-centeredness of today's popular music (for example, Avenged Sevenfold). By comparison, the idealism and enthusiasm of, say, Sacred Reich is kind of like watching Leave It To Beaver or something.
Examples: Evildead, Nuclear Assault, Sodom


Mascot
We pretty much said all there is to say about this phenomenon in our 3 part series on metal spokesmen (here, here, and here), but the list certainly wouldn't be complete without a mascot!


Amateurish sociopolitical commentary
For some reason the 80s made every dumb thrash band think they were Noam Chomsky, and every band treated us to their unsolicited, uninformed opinions on social issues delivered in musical format. I don't completely get it, but as Mike Muir taught us, just because you don't understand it don't mean it don't make no sense. And just because you don't like it, don't mean it ain't no good. Because you wouldn't know what crazy was if Charles Manson was eating Froot Loops on your front porch. In any case, a thrash band can definitely write songs about shit like monsters, nightmares, and killer robots, but they have to include at least one or two songs about some kind of social injustice. For example, DRI's "Thrash Zone" has songs about lighthearted fare like moshing, but they also tackle meatier subjects like kidnapping ("Abduction") and that school sucks ("Beneath the Wheel"). That is the kind of effortless ambidexteriy that makes thrash what it is!
Examples: Laaz Rockit, Sepultura, Sacred Reich, Suicidal Tendencies


Sick guitars
You really aren't a thrash band unless you have the right axe. You definitely won't go wrong with trusty standbys like Charvel, Jackson and ESP, but they aren't your only options. If you want to mix it up a little, you can go with something a little more exotic like a Washburn, Karmer or even a Guild! As long as it has shark fin fret inlays, EMGs, a Floyd Rose, and a headstock that looks like it would take your finger off if you brushed up against it wrong, then you're good! Bonus points if the headstock is reversed.

This bad boy combines the oil painting and sick guitar items into one!

It's equally important to know what axes aren't ok. Basically, anything made by Fender or Gibson is off the list. Les Pauls are for punk rockers, and can you imagine Bloodcum jamming on fucking Stratocasters?! Hell no! That's like petting the cat backwards... it's just not done, you know? (By the way, please remind me to do a post on Bloodcum in the near future, I'm seriously shocked we haven't yet and "Death By Clotheshanger" is without a doubt one of the best thrash records ever made)
Examples: Slayer, Exodus, Vio-Lence, Megadeth
(Full disclosure: I stole some of the material in this item from an article KC from Himsa wrote in the zine Hardcore Maniacs back in 93 or so.. so KC, if you're reading, don't be mad!)

Wearing your own band's shirt
You can think of many reasons why thrash bands would wear their own shirts a lot: lack of self-respect/complete disregard for their dignity, being broke, and so forth. Maybe they're just too lazy to do laundry. I have my own theory, which is as follows: they secretly hope that someone will see them at 7-11 or whatever and be like, "Hey bro, sweet Hirax shirt, their shit is hella mass tight," Then the guy will be like, "Thanks dude, that's my band, I play guitar" all nonchalant as though it wasn't the best moment of his life. In his head, though, he is thinking "Fuck yes!! Dude I'm finally getting the fucking recognition I deserve. With any luck, we could even end up on the next Concrete Corner sampler cassette!" But whatever the reason, you simply can't be a thrash band without wearing your own band's shirts.
Examples: Literally every single thrash band ever

"Funny" song
The 80s were an intense decade. Everybody was scared of toxic waste, nuclear war, and the Russians. We had to let off some steam somehow, and in the case of thrash bands, they did it by including at least one goofy "funny" song on their album. I mean, you can only spend so much time screaming about Reagan, the Iran Contra scandal, and whatever other social ills were plaguing us back then (junk bonds, maybe??). At some point you have to let your hair down and party!!
Examples: Forced Entry "We're Dicks", Exodus "Low Rider", Anthrax "I'm The Man"


Anti-drug message
I was too young during the 80s to know anyone other than my parents and all their friends that actually used drugs, but from what I saw in movies and on TV, absolutely everybody was on drugs. Rich people celebrated their financial success by snorting cocaine with $1000 bills in the back of plush limos, and poor people tried to numb the pain of inescapable urban blight by smoking crack. As if that wasn't enough to convince me that everybody was on drugs, all my favorite thrash bands seemed very concerned about drugs use as well! They even went so far as to include the "Winners don't use drugs" seal on the j-card of their cassettes (the image above is from Bad Dudes, but you get the idea).
Examples: Believer, every band on Roadrunner

This awesome Wasted Youth video is perhaps the closest thing you'll get to thrash metal bingo!

What's missing?
We are pretty great at our jobs, but we also know the power of crowdsourcing and Web 2.0 because we read Fast Company and Wired. So we ask you, our loyal readers, to help us complete the checklist! What did we miss?

Retroview: Excel - The Joke's On You

First of all, I am listening to Mortal Decay as I write this, and man, they're sweet. What a totally underrated band. The originators of "Jersey shore slamming sickness!"

But anyway, growing up as a stupid white kid on the West coast, it goes without saying that I was super into Suicidal Tendencies and anything remotely associated with them. Yes, that includes Infectious Grooves. I would have given anything to ride on Sarsippius' Ark. It also included Excel, the poor man's Suicidal Tendencies, especially this album, their best release.

Sometimes I'm down in the dumps. I feel like the world's out to get me, like I can't catch a break or do anything right. Most people would put on "You Can't Bring Me Down," and while that is a great song, I find more inspiration in Excel's brand of uplifting Venice-core on this album, especially the lyrics to songs like "Drive":

You need drive
To survive
That's no jive

And you know what? It isn't jive! Lyrics like that will really pick you up off the ground when you need a helping hand. And when it's time to put the moves on the woman, don't move the needle off that turntable! You can leave the Excel record on, because their cover of "Message In A Bottle" is up next! Chicks love The Police. Make tantric love while you jam to the double bass in Excel's version of this classic song.

Another good one is "Never Denied." I like the part that goes, "People say Dan, why are you so negative? / I say it's the world in which we live." Amen, brother. People ask me a lot why I am so negative. I also tell them it's the world in which we live.



But the best song on this album is actually only on the 12" single that came out around the same time (and on the CD version), "Blaze Some Hate." I love that song. In fact, today I was in a meeting. It was so boring I wanted to chop off my dick like the Japanese guy in that movie "Click." But instead, I wrote "BLAZE SOME HATE" over and over again on my notepad, just like on the cover of this record. I'm pretty good at it now, I can totally copy it.

Vengance Rising's Roger Martinez, The World's Most Annoying Human Being. Period.

This video serves as proof that, as the title of this post states, Roger Martinez of the band Vengance Rising is without a doubt the world's most annoying human being. His cadence, his overuse of the phrases "what have you", "boils down to", as well as the word "jams" are enough to drive anyone into a violent rage. Who the hell would ever say "that which shreds"?

The video also shows that he's a bit of a nut, something that would become very clear years later when Roger became a Satanist, and made death threats against the singer of the band Mortification. In 2001, after the September 11 attacks, he gave out free albums to people in the military in order to wage a "holy war against Christians". Glen Benton would be proud.

Retroview: Evildead - Annihilation of Civilization

It's no secret that I am a big crossover fan. Although the genre was widely maligned back in the day, in my opinion it is totally sweet. It combines the ignorance, bad fashion, and misdirected aggression of metal with the childish anger, simplistic politics, and preachiness of punk rock- a match made in heaven!

While they never got as popular as DRI, Cryptic Slaughter, or Wermacht, Evildead were definitely one of the very best crossover bands. Their 1989 album "Annihilation of Civilization" embodies all the elements that made crossover such a great genre.

1. Great cover
First of all, it's an oil painting of biting sociopolitical commentary- so that's the first requirements. But it has all the other necessary elements for a crossover/thrash metal cover, too: toxic waste, stupid puns (its says "Club Dead" on his towel lolololololz, get it??), and a caricature of "the man" sneering disdainfully at the viewer.

2. Chronic "chopaholism"
Bruce Reeves from Phobia coined this term many years ago in his legendary zine Jellobungresia. Anthrax are the kings of chopaholism, because all their songs sound like "chop chop chop-a-chop chop-a-chop chop." Evildead are right up there with them!

3. Insightful sociopolitical lyrics
This is very important, because this is how crossover bands prove how they are way smarter than metal bands and their stupid lyrics. For example, here are the lyrics to the title track on this album:

Christian mind control, brainwashing innocent souls,
Teaching their own twisted fears,
Baptism is final, confirming denial, of the reality
We must deal with today,
No one on this Earth can save us from this hell,
We're only destroying ourselves,
Religion gets its way, so God has his say,
And the Holy propaganda is free...

4. Awesome video that got played once on Headbanger's Ball
You know how you would sit through 2 1/2 hours of bullshit Trixter and Megadeth videos to get to the Triple Thrash Threat? And then they would play a sweet video that would BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND only to never, ever play it again?! This video definitely fell into that category. Make sure you watch it carefully, because there is a lot of detail in it that really makes it great. But that's a whole other post.