Try Pandora if you like extensive vamping!

Pandora is a neat little online gadget that plays personalized streaming audio, sort of like Last.fm only much crappier. The fun part is that it takes the concept one step further by explaining why you like the music you like.


For example, I started off with something classic, yet contemporary: Devourment. Apparently I am drawn to "hard rock roots, repetitive melodic phrasing, and extensive vamping." I'm not entirely sure what vamping is, but I like the sound of it!


Next, I figured I would try another artist that was perhaps a bit harder to classify: Anal Cunt. Pandora came through again, explaining that AC made heavy use of "experimental sounds" and a "gravelly male vocalist." So far, so good!



But things didn't go so well when I dug deeper. The fucking posers at Pandora have apparently never heard of Gothic Slam or Sockeye. Bogus. If they don't have "We Are Circumcised" in their library, what do they have?! I decided I would just go with something I knew I would love, and asked it to play artists similar to Crazy Town.


This is where I knew I had made the right move. It turns out that, like Devourment, part of the reason why Crazy Town is so awesome is that they also use "extensive vamping!" Who knew?! I'm still not exactly sure what that means, but I am assuming it refers to something sweet like bass drops. In any case, it played POD, Saliva, and Godsmack, and I started jamming in bliss. In case you think I'm joking or being ironic, please note that I gave a thumbs up to POD but not Rage Against The Machine (yuck!).

Great moments in metal photography: Gothic Slam

New Jersey often gets made fun of for being New York's retarded cousin. Rather than working towards dispelling that myth, the band Gothic Slam worked hard for years to prove it right. This picture is the crowning jewel of years of work that the band put forth towards that effort.

Please note:
1. A 'fro in a thrash band? Hell to the no. This guy is hard as hell, even though he looks like a muppet.

2. Jersey mustache

3. Jersey Auto shirt. I googled it, but found nothing. Too bad.

4. This guy is so cool that his belt magically stays on, even though it doesn't reach all the way around him. It's a magic Jersey belt I guess.

5. Two band members hooking their thumbs into their jeans, guido style.

6. Cut-off Circle Jerks shirt.

7. Dirtstache, or as I call it "The Jersey City Special"

8. All band member's whose sleeves we can see are cut off.

It's worth noting that Gothic Slam's drummer (who is rocking the anarchy shirt above) now plays in Ill Niño, a band with possibly the worst name ever. I hereby diagnose him with what I call "Robb Flynn's disease", this is when a washed up metal guy tries to make himself relevant and perhaps appear to be more "with it" by getting facial piercings later in life. I will share more examples of this with you in the future.

Retroview: Evildead - Annihilation of Civilization

It's no secret that I am a big crossover fan. Although the genre was widely maligned back in the day, in my opinion it is totally sweet. It combines the ignorance, bad fashion, and misdirected aggression of metal with the childish anger, simplistic politics, and preachiness of punk rock- a match made in heaven!

While they never got as popular as DRI, Cryptic Slaughter, or Wermacht, Evildead were definitely one of the very best crossover bands. Their 1989 album "Annihilation of Civilization" embodies all the elements that made crossover such a great genre.

1. Great cover
First of all, it's an oil painting of biting sociopolitical commentary- so that's the first requirements. But it has all the other necessary elements for a crossover/thrash metal cover, too: toxic waste, stupid puns (its says "Club Dead" on his towel lolololololz, get it??), and a caricature of "the man" sneering disdainfully at the viewer.

2. Chronic "chopaholism"
Bruce Reeves from Phobia coined this term many years ago in his legendary zine Jellobungresia. Anthrax are the kings of chopaholism, because all their songs sound like "chop chop chop-a-chop chop-a-chop chop." Evildead are right up there with them!

3. Insightful sociopolitical lyrics
This is very important, because this is how crossover bands prove how they are way smarter than metal bands and their stupid lyrics. For example, here are the lyrics to the title track on this album:

Christian mind control, brainwashing innocent souls,
Teaching their own twisted fears,
Baptism is final, confirming denial, of the reality
We must deal with today,
No one on this Earth can save us from this hell,
We're only destroying ourselves,
Religion gets its way, so God has his say,
And the Holy propaganda is free...

4. Awesome video that got played once on Headbanger's Ball
You know how you would sit through 2 1/2 hours of bullshit Trixter and Megadeth videos to get to the Triple Thrash Threat? And then they would play a sweet video that would BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND only to never, ever play it again?! This video definitely fell into that category. Make sure you watch it carefully, because there is a lot of detail in it that really makes it great. But that's a whole other post.

Thrash Metal, Jersey Style!

Whenever I hear people talk about thrash metal it’s always the same thing. Lääz Rockit this and Vio-lence that. “Forbidden is so sick!” “You want REAL thrash metal? Listen to “Bonded by Blood!” I say fuck that West Coast Bay Area pussy shit. You want REAL thrash metal—go to New Jersey! That’s right. Don’t rub your eyes or try to adjust your computer screen, you read it right the first time—New Jersey. The Garden State, my home, has spawned some of the greatest and most underappreciated thrash metal bands of all time. You want proof? Here it is…

Blood Feast


Whiplash


Gothic Slam