More Metal Photography From Around The Interweb

If you ever thought you looked cool while wearing your Slayer shirt, think again. This is exactly what you looked like to everyone around you, a semi-pubescent rapist with creased jeans.

Here's a little fashion tip...stop pulling your fucking pants up once they reach your armpits. Why? Because you want to have kids someday. Also, show some respect to Pushead, he didn't work on the shading of the scale for hours so that you'd cover it up with your white jeans. Damn.





Was this picture taken in Ohio circa 1989, or Williamsburgh circa 2006?
We'll never know.

Can he open cans with those teeth?
Easily. He can also chew through leather belts and ceramic tile.

Which Overkill album is his favorite?
"I choose to celebrate their entire catalog"

Why is he wearing those safety glasses?
Because once his friend Chester comes over, the shit is going to hit the fan. Literally. Chester is planning on taking a shit on a fan to see what happens. Man, white dudes have all the fun.

Do his victims remember the feeling of his dirtstache on their face for years?
Absolutely.





Fuck...Lita Ford has really let herself go.




Look, I'm not trying to say that you can't be fat AND play in a black metal band. Wait, I lied. That's exactly what I'm trying to say.

PS: Wearing a LIVESTRONG bracelet on stage is not exactly kvlt.




I know what you're thinking "Ha, ha...those third world metal fans sure are funny! Look at them making funny faces for the camera." Well, don't laugh. They're not making funny faces for the camera at all. The economic downturn has hit developing economies very hard. What they're doing is showing potential clients the equipment with which they'll be sucking ten thousand cocks in order to buy a BC Rich Ironbird, and a Marshal practice amp.





As a drummer, I'm very sensitive about the way that fellow drummers are treated in bands. Seeing this picture depressed me to no end. This image is proof that no matter what country we live in, we will forever be second-class citizens. Are drummers really so terrible to be around that you literally have to put us in another fucking continent while we play along to the horrible fucking song you wrote? You agree to play a guy's power ballad, and this is the thanks you get?




Do you remember that one guy in your math class back in the day who said Metallica were "super gay", and that the reason they were gay was because they made a video for One? Well....he was at least partially right.




My reaction to seeing this picture serves as further proof that I'm getting old. When I was 13, I would have found this to be both awesome and hilarious. Today, I happen to know how much it costs to have concrete poured...and seeing this picture is making my blood boil. Fucking kids.




Who knew that King Diamond would be the type to lounge around the house while rocking a free promotional fleece vest, knock-off Oakleys and a Nascar hat. You know you're pushing the douchebag envelope when even Lars Ulrich dry heaves upon seeing you.




Is Jason Newsted so broke that he's cutting hair to make ends meet? No. What he's is doing is collecting hair from stranger in order to give himself Trujillo-like braids. Why? Because late at night, after crying for hours about no longer being in Metallica, he pretends he's on stage playing Whiplash while crabwalking through his living room.




I seriously wrote about twenty different captions to this picture, and none of them did it justice. It's so amazing, that any caption would ruin it. It would be like ordering a $120 entree at a fancy restaurant, and then coating it in ranch dressing and ketchup. You just don't do it. Still, a thought came to mind...

I'd like to think that humans are slightly more advanced than animals, and as such don't eat or normally kill our young. Still, you kinda' have to wonder how this kid's parents stopped themselves from killing him in his sleep at some point. Little did they know that the result of a single night of carnal pleasure would mean a lifelong sentence of having to hear about how amazing both Operation Ivy AND Deicide are.

What will they think of next?

I am sometimes hesitant to include much information about my private life here at Metal Inquisition. Why? Because I feel that my opinion as an authority in all things metal could be harmed should the masses know more about me, and how I roll. You may have heard that this is one of the key criticisms about The Economist that many people have. Most articles are not credited in that magazine, so no one knows who wrote them. Similarly, for all you know, I may live in a trailer park and drive a Delorean.


I could also be a fatty, emo, gangsta', goth, gender neutral thing...you never know.


So, against my better judgment I will now let you into my private life. I will now tell you something about myself, and here it is: I own a dog. My dog is a fantastic part of my life, and I love her very much. I usually behave rather idiotically when I'm around her, and some people probably get embarrassed and cringe when they see how I talk to her. Now that you have a clearer picture as to just how big of douchebag I am, I can share this new line of products that recently surfaced on the interweb. I can also tell you that even though I'm an asshole, and I like my dog way too much...I still think this is an idiotic line of products...and anyone who buys these deserves a long, painful death. What am I talking about? Garmutt, metal clothing for dogs of course!




The company is owned by one of the guys from Dillinger Escape Plan, apparently. Good for him, I guess he's trying to come up with some sort of back up plan for his failed musical gravy train, but this project will fail also. How can it not? I'm probably one of about eight people on earth who is a total idiot about their dog AND likes Metallica (kinda'), and I'm not willing to buy this crap...that means that a grand total of seven people worldwide are left as potential customers.

Look at that dog's face, that's how I looked after having heard the newest Metallica album too.

On a similar note, there's also metal clothing for kids and babies now. Why? Think back to when you were a kid, would you have liked it if your parents made you wear ABBA, Rod Stewart or Engelbert Humperdinck clothing? Personally, I would have hated it, and rightfully so. That was their musical taste, not mine. Why on earth do metal individuals think its any different for them now that they're parents or pet owners? Your dog may hate Metallica (he/she probably does actually), and your kid probably hates them also. You know how you hated it when your mom made you dress up, and take off your Maiden shirt back in the day? I know I did. Every metal kid I knew back then swore up and down that they would never become the opressor. Now we're all older, and look what's happening. Damn it all to hell.



Okay I get it, you're a hip, cool dad and you feel that you want to dress your kid accordingly. You're way different from the lame suburban dads with Volvo and Subaru station wagons. You're not a yuppie who drinks Starbucks coffee ans shops at REI. Well good for you, but here's a thought...it's a baby, not a godamn doll for you to dress up you stupid asshole. Babies should dress like babies, for the same reason that as adults we don't dress as babies, and for the same reason that a 5 year old girl in high heels would look creepy and depressing. Stop pushing your beliefs, particularly your musical beliefs onto poor defenseless creatures. As if the horrors of Abu Ghraib and Guantamo weren't enough, now Americans have found a new way to distinguish themselves by acting like jerkoffs in a whole new way.

To all of our readers who are lucky enough to live outside the U.S., I hope you don't have this type of stupidity going in in your countries. If you don't, however, I must warn you. Brace yourself, because it's coming. Just like Baywatch, other places around the world will first write it off as a lowbrow American invention with no value...and then every country will buy into it. If anyone thinks I'm going overboard, and that this is just clothing for babies and dogs, you're wrong. Think of me as the first person that spoke out when the holocaust began. Now who feels like an asshole? Not me.

When awesome bands make shitty records

Many years ago I interviewed Brian Baker, who you may know from such bands as Minor Threat, The Meatmen, Bad Religion, and Dag Nasty. I asked him how it happened that even though Dag Nasty was such a great band, they wrote some absolutely fucking terrible songs. His answer was, "Hey, you can't win 'em all," which I thought was pretty insightful. Nobody bats 1.000, and even the best bands go wrong from time to time. Here are some examples of just that...

There is a clear, positive correlation between the passage of time and Suicidal Tendencies being shitty. Note the inflection points at the release of extra shitty albums.

Suicidal Tendencies - The Art of Rebellion
OK, to be fair this is more of an example of shark jumping than an aberration or outlier. Any way you slice it, though, this record fucking sucks like crazy. I mean I liked "Lights Camera Revolution" when it came out, but this was a dealbreaker. Even though it was kind of gay and crappy too, it had some great songs like "You Can't Bring Me Down" and "Lost Again." Then Mike Muir got too far up his own ass and tried to be an artist or whatever. I don't mean to be the "I only like the demo/first album" guy, because those people are the worst, but Suicidal is really the perfect example of a band that just gets worse with every album.

What is this shit?! Where did the NOT! banner and bermuda shorts go?! In the words of Discharge, "why why why why why"?

Anthrax - The Sound of White Noise
Remember the part in Lords of Chaos where one of the Norwegian BM dorks is talking about how he saw a picture of some band "wearing jogging suits and riding skateboards" and got very angry and confused? I'm pretty sure he was talking about Anthrax, and I can only imagine how difficult it would be for some Scandinavian hick to understand the nuances of five Jews from Queens imitating Iron Maiden, Agnostic Front, and Public Enemy all at once (by the way, my father is from Norway, so I have a bit of Scandinavian hayseed in my veins). But that's why we loved Anthrax: their whimsical, fun loving brand of thrash made you forget your troubles and whisked you away to a magical land where the streets were paved with mosh riffs.

In any case, a lot of people thought Persistence of Time was the beginning of the end for Anthrax, but I disagree. I thought PoT was pretty great. TSOWN is when Anthrax officially began their shockingly rapid descent into a state that would make being a laughingstock positively dignified by comparison. Why did they get rid of Joey and start writing lame, boring songs about fucking ski lodges or whatever? What happened to the jogging suits and skateboards? Why not just urinate on the sodomized corpse of everything your once-great band stood for?! Arggghhh!

At this point they were barely even phoning it in.

S.O.D. - Bigger Than The Devil
Obviously I am a big SOD fan. When I discovered them in 1991 or so, it was as though I was Christopher Columbus, piercing the fog to reveal the pristine shores of a whole new world before me, full of riches the likes of which even the most avaricious man could only dream of! Also, it was the closest thing to wigger slam that existed back then, so needless to say I was happier than a pig in shit.

Apparently they blew their load with "Speak English or Die," though, because SOD became one of the most absolutely wretched bands to ever disgrace the planet quite shortly after releasing it. They turned into basically the thrash metal version of Weird Al, even sinking so low as to write cringeworthy novelty/parody songs like "Seasoning The Obese" and "Celtic Frosted Flakes" on their 1998 album "Bigger Than The Devil." It's not just bad, it's awful on a level rarely approached by mere mortals. You have to scour YouTube for clips of John Cena rapping aggressively at Brock Lesnar before you come close to these levels of douchebaggery.

I am about to show you something so horrible that I must warn you before you go any further. Do not scroll down if you have a heart condition, are prone to fainting, or if you are eating. It is a spectacle so hideous that even the dark and twisted mind of HP Lovecraft could not have spawned it; even the slimy tentacles of Cthulu cannot inspire revulsion such as the following video can. With that warning in hand, click at your own risk! Recoil in horror at the atrocities that are birthed upon the world when Billy Milano listens to The Offspring too much!!



What other awesome bands made a shitty record?
As always, it is now your turn. There are many more great bands who put out crap, please help us list every single one of them!

Metallica=Big Business: 1. Wall Street Journal reports about new albums sucking. 2. Metallica rebrands itself

Metallica is big business, and not just because of the recent release of these amazingly comfortable "Master of Puppets" underpants.

1. Wall Street Journal reports on quality of new album:
With all the upheaval in the financial markets, is there one financial institution that is still making money and may still be worth reporting on? Why yes, there's always Metallica. I know, I know...Metallica are not a metal band and no longer matter at all. I get it. Still, if you're my age or older...you remember a time when they mattered very much. As such, imagine my surprise when I opened the Wall Street Journal to check on my extensive and diverse stock portfolio (Earache Records, Blue Grape Merchandise, Axxis Drum Pedals, EMG Pickups) and found news about Metallica's new album instead. As it turns out, the new album sucks balls, and not just for the usual reasons (lack of musical ability, lack of songwriting skills, lack of a drummer etc). If you thought St. Anger's mix was bad, Death Magnetic has some issues as well, and it has nothing to do with Trujillo's crabwalking. Fans are signing petitions to have the album remixed, and album's mastering engineer agrees, saying:

"Believe me, I'm not proud to be associated with this one."

Those are exactly the words of every single person that has been involved with every Metallica project after And Justice For ALl. You can read the article here, or just look at this fancy graphic, courtesy of the WSJ. I don't want them to sue our asses, and I believe that by crediting them, we'll be just fine. I took one class about law in a Community College once. I'm an expert.





2. Metallica hires Turner Duckworth to rebrand itself
What should an ailing band that has not produced quality music in ages do in order to better itself? First you hire a psychiatrist (as we saw in Some Kind Of Monster), and then you hire a branding agency. Why? Metallica is a brand, you see, and as such it deserves the same treatment that the likes of Coke and Amazon.com have gotten from Turner Duckworth. Look, I'm not naive. I don't object to this on the basis that branding implies big business. I'm okay with that. I know that Metallica makes tons of money, and that they're a business with employees like any other type of company. My objection is based on the fact that Metallica bandmembers honestly think that this is even worth pursuing. Forgive me for using such an overused comparison, but this is like rearranging the deck furniture on the Titanic. Kerry King (out of all people) said it best. Metallica are a sinking ship. A huge, bloated ship. Read the story here.


One of the primary components of a brand is a logo. Turner Duckworth no doubt charged tons of money to the bloated monster known as Metallica to make their logo back into what it was during And Justice For All.

Lindsay Lohan is way into Maiden—James Hetfield is way into Armani

In this picture, Lindsay Lohan can be seen wearing a vintage Iron Maiden shirt, and making the unmistakable face of someone trying to get a pubic hair unstuck from their teeth.

As a result of the picture above, I know for a fact that I have grown just a bit as a person over the years. Why? Because I can remember a time (though only barely) when having seen such an image would have sent me spiraling down into a senseless rage for days, if not weeks. These days, I just feel happy for the stylist that got this cash-cow to pay $600 dollars for the shirt. Good for him.





Having said that, has the whole world gone mad? Things are so insanely upside down these days. Lindsay Lohan rocks a Maiden shirt, and (as reported earlier here at M.I.) James Hetfield and Robert Trujillo are shopping at Armani? Jesus, I stop paying attention to metal for only about a decade..and this is what happens? If Paris Hilton starts doing the Trujillo crab-walk, I'm calling the authorities.

Though hard to believe, this is not actually a picture of Paris Hitlon doing the Trujillo crab-walk. This is merely an artist's rendering. M.I. legal counsel has asked me to clear this up due to the unusually realistic quality of the image.

Metal Inquisition's First Annual Caption Contest!

Go ahead and take your best shot! Earn yourself a place in Metal Inquisition history.

Death Magnetic Approaching!

The release of a new Metallica album will always be an event for me. Yes, I know they suck. Yes, I know they've sucked for years now. I'm not ashamed to admit that they were my favorite band for most of my young adult life and maybe there is still a small part of me that hopes they will somehow recapture the magic of their glory days, but I don't believe in miracles. There's a morbid fascination/curiosty at work. Sometimes you can't help but look at things you know will repulse/scare/anger you. Like how you always slow down when approaching a car accident to observe the damage. Or like how you've clicked on the Goatse and Tub Girl jpgs a million times. There's some innate primal urge that draws us to these things and it is exactly that urge that fills me with anticipation for Metallica's upcoming new album, Death Magnetic. I cannot wait to hear all the shitty riffs, weak double bass, and embarassing lyrics. The awful cover art is certainly a good start.

two musical geniuses hard at work.

I don't know how Metallica can possibly top the shitstorm that was their last album, St. Anger. That album might just be the worst ever made. The drums that sounded like fucking garbage cans, the guitars that sounded Korn, no solos, and every song went on for what felt like days. Who can forget classic lines like "My lifestyle determines my deathstyle." If anyone can do it though, Metallica can. With each new album since the Black album they've managed to successfully lower the bar and I don't expect this new album to be any different. Keep in mind that Death Magnetic has been described as the missing link between ...And Justice for All and the Black album. Uh, yeah, I'm sure that'll be the case.

They just posted the track listing yesterday and there's some amazingly retarded titles. I'm really glad to see that they've decided to write a SECOND sequel to "The Unforgiven." Totally necessary. Hopefully they'll make another nonsensical video for it.

1. That Was Just Your Life
2. The End of the Line
3. Broken, Beat & Scarred
4. The Day That Never Comes
5. All Nightmare Long
6. Cyanide
7. The Unforgiven III
8. The Judas Kiss
9. Suicide & Redemption
10. My Apocalypse


They haven't set a release date for Death Magnetic yet, but it's supposed to come out sometime in September, which is right around the corner. To hold you over until then enjoy this compilation of sound clips that have been posted on the Mission Metallica website. The line "Suicide, I've already died!" sounds particularly promising.