A Day To Remember hears Nasty Savage and MOD for the first time

If this song doesn't make you want to mosh your balls off, you need to adjust your hearing aid

As far as I can tell, most Metal Inquisition readers are old, completely out of touch with contemporary youth culture, and get confused and angry when they hear new music. So, I'm pretty sure most of you have no idea who A Day To Remember is, despite reaching #21 on Billboard 200 and and #1 on Billboard's Indie charts with their newest album, "Homesick." It's ok, we all get old at some point. Anyway, as my friend Stan said, "They sound like Blink-182 tuned to drop C with death metal vocals during the slow parts." I figured that a good way to bridge the gap between ADTR and MI would be to introduce their bassist, Josh, to the wonderful world of old, shitty metal bands. Let us know what you think of this format- there are a few bugs to be worked out yet, but I'd like to use it again in the future if it works OK?

Havohej "Enlightened One"
J: Wait, this is the song? You can barely hear some distorted screaming with like swells of bells and stuff. This is pretty fucking creepy!
MI: If this was in a movie, what scene would it be in?
J: It makes me think of, in Scream 1, when Drew Barrymore is getting dragged off of the porch and has the phone in her hand, this is the music to it.

Dead "Polesmoker"
J: I can't tell if this is a movie clip... it's something about a cock??

James Hart "Dead End Roads And Lost Highways"
J: Some lead guitar action... is this a popular song? It sounds like I've heard it.
MI: No. But I think he wants it to be popular.
J: Awesome singer, good chorus. It honestly sounds like it should be one of the biggest rock or metal songs out.
MI: Like they would tour with Nickleback?
J: Yeah, totally!
MI: It's the singer from 18 Visions. Jame Shart.

Lady Gaga "Poker Face"
J: Honest to god, I don't know this song. I haven't listened to the radio or watched TV in so long.
MI: She doesn't wear pants, you know.

Aren't they cute?? I imagine them saying, "Welcome to American Eagle, can I help you find anything?"

Life of Agony "River Runs Red"
J: My friend Chad from New Found Glory love this band.
MI: Speaking of which, I heard you called VOD and Earth Crisis nu-metal.
J: What?! Who told you that?!?
MI: I don't remember.
J: You have to tell me, I've said that to one person in my whole life. Was it Chad?
MI: I don't remember!
J: Well what he showed me of Earth Crisis, I'm not talking shit, because I know they influenced so many people, but I wasn't impressed. He was like, "This is heavy!" and I was like, "It might have been heavy then, but not now!"
MI: How old are you?
J: 22. Man, fuck Chad.

Gut "Can't Wait For Tonight"
MI: This is like if Beyonce did a song with Dead.
J: That's exactly what it sounds like.
MI: Do you think you could dance to this?
J: Like club dance? Maybe not in the US, but over in their godless country [points to their English roadie], I can see it happening.
MI: Like go to the Netherlands and grind on some chubby gothic girl?
J: Exactly! I gotta go to the next song, this scares the fuck out of me.

Uh.......... Visor and axe in a trailer?!

Boondox "Country Life"
MI: This is Juggalo country rap.
J: I met a Juggalo the other night, and his Juggalette. This sounds like white kids in their room, rapping. These kids work at a convenience store, period. 100%, it's not even a question.

Pantera "Cowboys From Hell"
J: Dude it's fuckin' metal. This is what I think of when someone says "metal."
MI: Which instrument would you like to be playing air to?
J: Dude the guitars are pretty sick, probably air guitar.
MI: You know how that guy in Columbus killed Dimebag for starting Damageplan. I love Pantera, but be honest... he deserved it, didn't he?
J: You think he deserved to?! Good god... I'm not gonna say that, nobody deserves to die!

Papa Roach "Last Resort"
J: God I haven't listened to them since like 8th grade.
MI: So, whenI was like 27?
Roadie: We was playin' Last Resort on the bus the other night and you was crackin' it.
J: This song is sick, I'm not gonna pretend I don't like it!

MOD "Bubble Butt"
MI: What do you think this song is about?
J: Um, a fat girl.
MI: How does the singer feel about the bubble butt?
J: Uh, I don't think he's saying one way or the other... he's just like saying, she's fat. Some guys like fat girls. I think he's saying it's positive.

This is my favorite ADTR song, sometimes I listen to it 4 or 5 times in a row and sing along!

Crom "Anvil of Crom"
MI: What kind of movie do you think "Anvil of Crom" would be if it was a film?
J: I picture... a cartoon. But this wouldn't work with a cartoon, I think this band would be in a snuff film.
MI: I think they would agree with you!

Obituary "The End Complete"
J: This band is from Florida, right? Isn't Tampa like the capital of death metal?
MI: It was like in 92, when you were in kindergarten.
J: I know a lot of people who love this band. The singer is making a bunch of weird noises. [he starts typing on AIM for a few seconds] Sorry, man.
MI: No problem, I just hope whoever you're talking to has a vagina.
J: She does, and she's giving me a shitload of problems right now.

Devourment "Babykiller"
J: This is nuts, it's like dun-dundun-dun with just like... grunts.
MI: This genre is called "wigger slam metal."
J: Uh huh, I can definitely hear that!
MI: So why don't kids who wear puffy jackets and listen to Hatebreed like this band?
J: Good question, they totally should!

Merauder "Time Ends"
J: I saw them on the Hellfest DVD I think.
MI: Did your parents yell at you for moshing in front of the TV?
J: No! My friend from that band Seventh Star always told me we should listen to this band.
MI: He was right.

This is the black metal version of party rap, it's so catchy and upbeat!

Moevot "In einem Friedhof"
J: [after 1 second] I literally think I can listen to this for maybe 5 more seconds before it will give me nightmares tonight. It's like... hums... with screams.
MI: How do you think this guy would dress for Halloween?
J: Uh, the Cryptkeeper.
MI: How would he dress for not-Halloween?
J: The Cryptkeeper.

Brokencyde "FreaXXX"
J: I swear to god, everyone talks so much shit on them, but I've never listened to them. Aren't they from New Mexico? Nothing good has ever come from there. It's white kids rapping, auto tune, everything that's cool! And screaming. Let's put it all together! "Let's get freaky, let's get fucking freaky now"?!
MI: There's the line that goes "They pull their panties down, then take their pants off." Isn't it usually in the reverse order? I mean, you're in a band, not me, maybe you guys have a trick.
J: Right. Well, I take my pants off last...

Cephalotripsy "Inoculated Prosthesis"
J: I don't understand how people make their voices like that. It sounds like he had a bunch of Pop Tarts and orange juice, just like the nastiest shit in your throat ever.
MI: If you listened to this for a while, do you think you could get post mosh stress disorder?

GG Allin "Assface"
J: The name sounds familiar...
MI: How big do you think his dick was, in inches? I'll give you a hint: when he pulled his pants down, it looked like three grapes.

Leeway "Marathon"
MI: I heard the singer for Leeway works construction in Pittsburgh.
J: Yeah, that sounds like what he'd be doing. Probably listening to his own band while he works. No sleeves on his shirt, probably has barbed wire tattoos.

Forever the Sickest Kids "Woah Oh"
MI: Which member of FTSK has the best hair?
J: Actual best hair or [air quotes] "best" hair? The drummer is one of the nicest dudes ever... but his hair is crazy, it's nuts.
MI: I wish I wasn't going grey so I could have hair like his.

Vulvator "Boy In A Boat"
J: Boy in a boat? What the hell is that?
MI: Hint: it's a part of a woman's body that's covered by her bathing suit.
J: Huh?? Oh! It's her clitoris!



Nasty Savage "Unchained Angel"
MI: If you met someone in a band called Nasty Savage, what would they look like?
J: Definitely over 250 pounds, humongous beard, probably wear a cowboy hat. Yeah, this definitely sounds like that. They would probably not even have a car, just drive like a four wheeler or something. And they would smell exactly like what you would think.
MI: Like a nasty savage?

Slayer "At Dawn They Sleep"
J: Dude, what is this song about? [to another guy in the band who walked in]
Other guy: Vampires, dude. Or Aiden.

A Day To Remember on MySpace

The day that Dave Murray blew me off

You have to love the reddish/orange skin color that british people get when they drink too much and are left out in the sun too long.

A few years ago, I was meeting up with a friend in the streets of Manhattan. It was an incredibly cold day, and I didn't have any gloves on. One of the things you have to love about New York (and there aren't many) is that you can basically go out into the streets nude, and within five seconds you can buy an entire outfit, a wallet, gold chains, a fake rolex and a Louis Vuitton purse for about $5...all from street vendors.




On that day, I went up to a street vendor who looked to be Middle Eastern, and asked him how much he wanted for a pair of gloves. "Five dollah for glove. But for you my friend, four dollah. You need lady gloves." Okay, I should tell you that I'm a rather short man, a manchild if you will. People often think I'm a good bit younger than I am...and now this guy was saying I needed women's gloves because of my size? Oh, hell no. After he said it, he chuckled a bit. I was insulted. I mean, is there anything lower than a street vendor? I was getting made fun of by the lowest form of life. I disregarded his comment, and tried on the men's gloves in order to show him that my man-sized hands needed man-sized gloves. Sadly, he was right. They were gigantic on my small child-like hands. With my tail between my legs, I gave him four dollars and took the smaller, women's gloves.

Why on earth am I telling you this story? Because much in the same way that a street vendor once made fun of me, the other lowest form of human life that exists on this planet also made fun of me once...and in a very inventive way. I am talking, of course, about Dave Murray of Iron Maiden.

Can you tell which of the pictures above is of the Cryptkeeper and which one is of Dave Murray? I sure can't.

Dave Murray, or the Crypkeeper as I like to call him is a dick. Let me tell you why. Some years ago, Mr. Awakening (a founding member of M.I. who is now too good to post anymore) and I went to see Iron Maiden. We had pretty good tickets, and were excited to see the show. As we walked around and looked for redneck metalheads to make fun of, we were elated to find an unusual surprise in the midst of the audience. There, for no reason at all, walking around the crowd was none other than Rick Ta Life. This was unusual, as this concert was not taking place near New York City, New Jersey or any other places were such creatures are often seen in the wild. It was as majestic as seeing a cheetah in its native environment.

Nice bullet proof vest, I guess. I wonder if he knows that it looks like he's an umpire behind home plate, or that he's wearing an apron so he can get some baking done at his mom's house.

Okay, so let's put Rick To Life aside for a minute, because that's not what this story is about. There we were, enjoying ourselves, listening to Motorhead play from afar. I was talking to some people, showing them my new phone. I was a relatively late adapter of cell phone technology, and was rather proud of my Sony Ericsson handheld device. In retrospect, the phone was a piece of crap, and Mr Awakening had the same phone as I did...only he kept and used his until last year! The phone looked a bit like this one, but crappier and older.


The one function I loved the most about the phone was its camera. This being a long time ago, the camera was actually not integrated into the phone. Weird, I know. The camera was actually a small device that you plugged into the phone in order to take pictures. Anyway, as I was showing off my cool new phone, I saw an unmistakable sight off in the distance. I saw a tall man with a huge orange pumpkin face. The pumpkin-faced man had a head as round and large as a tortilla, and he proudly wore what looked like lace-up boxing boots and spandex pants. I asked myself, who is this man? Spandex? Pumkin face? Is it Lance Armstrong with a pumpkin on his head getting ready to box someone? I was confused by this dadaist creature. As I looked more closely, I saw that it was certainly Dave Murray of Iron Maiden. His dried up hair resembled straw, and his crater-like acne scars were visible all over his disgusting pumpkin face.

Who knew that british guys in metal bands were into Tommy Bahama clothing? If you like Dave's shirt, please look here, for more great fashion statements courtesy of Tommy Bahama.

Since I was so excited about my new camera phone, I told everyone that I was showing my phone to that I was about to go get a picture with Dave. I started to walk up to the toritlla-faced cryptkeeper. I should tell you that I was doing this as a bit of a joke, being that I also have pictures with the likes of Manowar and Danzig. Anyway, as I went up to him, I clearly saw his backstage passes, his Maiden shirt, his receding hairline, and finallyl got a better view at his huge jackolantern face. I saw him there, standing quietely, looking off into the distance. He was drinking a beer by the hot dog stand, looking bored. Wasting no time, I went up to him and said "Hey, can I get a picture?" I showed him my awesome Sony Ericsson phone, to clarify what I meant. Quickly, and without much thought he responded in a British accent with a slight lisp (another clear sign that it was indeed the pumpkin faced Murray.) "No mate, I'm not Dave from Iron Maiden." At first, I thought he was joking. I hadn't even said who I thought he was, and yet he knew I wanted a picture with "Dave from Iron Maiden." I said "Ah come on. I have a new phone, I want a picture." He looked at my phone and said "Nah, everyone thinks I'm Dave Murray...but I'm not. Sorry mate." Perhaps he was offended by my crappy phone? I didn't know what to make of his response. Did all British people seriously say "mate" that much? I was confused.




At this point, there was little I could do. The people I was with were looking at me from afar, wondering what was going on. I had to walk away, and forget the whole thing. So I did, or at least I tried to. As I left the large shadow that his huge head created (sans picture), I heard a female voice say "Oh my god, are you Dave Murray!", I then heard Dave respond "Oh yes I am!" I turned around to see Dave hugging two forty-something moms in leather pants, posing for a picture with them. I stood there in disbelief. Apparently Dave was not aware of the motto that all men should abide by. Bros before Hos. After he posed for a picture with them, he talked to them briefly and took them through a gate into the backstage area. Although I fully understood that he had a sudden man-urge and needed to be with these aging metal mamas, I was also aware of how badly I had just been blown off. I briefly pictured the aging women kissing his acne scars, as well as the crackling sound that his brittle hair made as the leather clad rednecks ran their hands through it. I was pissed. When I got back to our group of friends I retold the story, and they all laughed at me. Perhaps what made it worse was that I wanted the picture as a joke. I was not a mad fan who had to have a picture with Mr Tortilla face, I just wanted a funny picture I could send to friends. Half an hour later, Maiden hit the stage...and there was Dave Murray, wearing the Maiden shirt, spandex pants and boots I had just seen him wearing as he escorted the ladies into his love lair.




To this day, when I see a picture of Dave Murray I recoil in horror, and not just because of his Garbage Pail Kids-like bulbous face, his acne scars or his receding hairline. I recoil because like the street vendor, he managed to mock me for no reason at all...when in reality I'm clearly higher up in the food chain than both of them. I mean, aren't I? Perhaps not. Perhaps both stories actually prove that I'm below both of them in the grand scheme of things...and maybe that's why I'm so pissed.

Because I'm still confused about this ordeal, and I don't know how to end this post, I will leave you with this video of the "manualist" playing some Maiden. He's really just an extra from The Sopranos sitting on his camouflage couch in Jersey, but perhaps he can help us all reach some closure. Enjoy.

Metal Inquisition Hurts Mordred's Feelings

Mark this day in your calendar. Today is the day that Metal Inquisition has arrived. Well, the actual day happened sometime ago...but it was only today that we became aware of it. What am I talking about? I'm talking about the fact that the band Mordred's official blog is aware of our existence...and they are also aware of how insanely bad we think they are as a band. The post on their blog is a reaction to this post here at M.I. You can read their reaction here, or just read below. From their blog:

Someone hates Mordred

Now, I'm not one to post negative stuff about the band, past or present, but I've recently been sent a link from Mordred fan Ian Crocker, and am hoping that all Mordred fans will bombard the idiot's who printed the pointless article. Basically, it's a complete slag-off of Mordred, lacking understanding of the music and also tends to get a little personal, so if anyone out there in Mordred land wants to email these bunch of time-wasting cocks, get on board. I've been open to posting bads reviews etc, but this is just a joke.

Reading their take on my post, I went back and re-read my Thanksgiving Day masterpiece. By Metal Inquisition standards, the post was rather tame actually, but did feature some real zingers (if you allow me to give myself some credit.) But really, how could I not have been that brutal on Mordred? How could I pass that opportunity up? I mean, it's THEIR fault for sucking in such an unusual and groundbreaking way. If they had sucked as other bands did (like Heathen, Toxic or Gammacide) I would have pass them up for my Thanksgiving Day post. Flaunting your sucking abilities in front of me by putting out horrible music, and doing terrible interviews....it's like leaving an unlocked Rolls Royce Phantom with the keys in the ignition in front of a crackhouse, and then being surprised when you find out it's gone.

Perhaps the thing I love the most is that the guy's angry response includes a plea for their fans to email us, and respond in some way. As of today, there are no responses on their blog, or ours from fans. We have also not received a single email about this. Apparently, the three relatives that bought their records are no longer fans. Bummer. By the way, this is a picture of the guy who writes and takes care of their blog. No, I'm not kidding. This is really the guy:




Seeing a picture of this guy, is like seeing a rare bird in its natural habitat. His plumage alone is majestic! And look at that fancy shirt! It's as though four or five horrible fashion trends collided to create this gender-neutral beast. If his hair were black, I would almost be forced to use our beloved "elegant gothic aristocrat" label. See, to all of us who live in the western part of this planet, all British people seem aristocratic, particularly when they shop at the same wig store as Phil Spector. Okay, I will merely say this: Mr Mordred blog guy: the entire albino community of aristrocratic douchelords called. They want their wig back.Let's all celebrate this huge occasion by watching Mordered's idiotic take on music, race and culture once again. This video never gets old.

Screamo crunk: A cultural primer

Navigating the choppy, uncharted waters of today's pop culture landscape can be a daunting task, especially for old people like us who grew up in simpler times. Fortunately for all of you, I am here to be your guide to the changing face of metal culture. Think of me as your sherpa, taking you by the hand and carefully leading you to the summit of Mt. Awesome. After we are done, you will no longer be scared and confused by contemporary youth culture!

Damn son, what you know about some MySpace hair??

Screamo crunk = express train to awesome town!
Just when you thought you had seen everything, along comes something new that reminds you that you haven't. For example, I recently discovered the strange and amazing world of screamo crunk! Who knew that there was a whole genre of music in which skinny white kids with scene hair alternately scream and rap over beats that are somewhere between indie dance and Southern bounce? I didn't until the other day, and now you do too!

FTSK poppin and lockin

Ancestors
Screamo crunk is the very post-modern intersection of trends in several, unrelated genres of music, all mashed up into something new. Depending on how you want to look at it, that either makes it all kinds of awesome or a giant shit sandwich- I will let you be the judge of that, though!

Emo/Screamo
Back in my day (the 90s), screamo was Gravity Records fall-on-the-floor-and-freak-out stuff like Heroin, Second Story Window, and John Henry West. Emo was its much poppier cousin, best embodied by bands like Promise Ring and Texas Is The Reason or whatever. The important thing to note here is that these bands were the first to start attracting pretty girls to shows. Naturally I thought they were completely gay at the time, but in retrospect I should have thanked them profusely! To his credit, Lucho Metales was way more into this stuff at the time than I was. But we also both liked Shelter, so what the fuck did we know?

18 Visions = eyeliner + leather pants + mosh

Hardcore
In the hardcore scene, bands like Unbroken and Undertow introduced moshcore kids to the idea of paying attention to your appearance, with their pompodores, creepers and tight jeans. It's easy to see how they started us down the road that gave us bands like Eighteen Visions and Bleeding Through, who pretty much took what they started and made it even more awesome!

Forever The Sickest Kids, my favorite nu-punk band!

The trend toward more polished, accessible songs continued, yielding a new crop of "nu-punk" bands that basically sound like Miley Cyrus with MySpace hair. Good examples are Cash Cash, Kill Paradise, Metro Station, Hellogoodbye, and other stuff your little sister probably listens to. I am pretty sure that our readers will be not even a little surprised that I love this shit! The big thing to note here is the incorporation of dance elements into the familiar powerpop/pop punk formula.

I'm your idol, the highest title, numero uno

Rap
Before I ever listened to punk, hardcore, or metal, I was into rap. This was in the late 80s, which was a pretty awesome time that brought us legends like Rakim, Special Ed, Gangstarr, Too $hort, and tons more that aren't necessarily legends but are at the very least good for lulz: K-Solo, King Sun, Lakim Shabazz, and Chub Rock. I still love that shit, but as we all know, rap is very different now. It's all about Southern party rap now, which is fine by me because there is honestly nowhere I'd rather be than drunk off my ass at the club with a girl and cutting a rug to some T-Pain, Akon, or Baby Bash.

If you meet a girl at Urban Outfitters, she secretly loves this song

Here is a little secret for all you single dudes out there: Indie girls who are 20-25 years old all love getting down to some commercial rap. Take her to the club, make sure both of you have a few drinks in you, and when Flo-Rida or Lil Wayne come on, I guarantee you she will be getting down and you will be getting lucky when you come home. The only tricky part is talking them into going to the club in the first place because they have to pretend like they don't want to go, in order to maintain their indie coolness. It can always be "ironic" if that's what it takes, like "Hey let's go to this club, but just for a joke so we can laugh at all the lame douchelords there." It won't be ironic anymore after you buy her a couple rounds.

Exemplars


Brokencyde
This is pretty much the epitome of screamo crunk and these kids are fucking awesome. I am 100% certain that the majority of MI readers will vomit with hatred when they watch this video, but I am pretty into it. Range Rovers, hot emo chicks in Forever 21 dresses, and alcohol?! What's not to fucking like?! They are on Kottonmouth Kings' label, Suburban Noize, which is pretty funny, although not as funny as Doug Carrion from Descendents being in KMK. Also, don't miss their Waking The Cadaver-inspired song "Bree Bree"! Also, these motherfuckers have 25 million plays on MySpace!



Hollywood Undead
MySpace phenoms Hollywood Undead round out the screamo crunk scene by filling out the scummier end of the spectrum. I mean, I think most of the people in this scene are pretty scummy (and I mean that in a good way), but these dudes seem particularly sketchy. Maybe not in the same league as Necro or Ezec/Danny Diablo, but who is?? Anyway this video is awesome, full of skanky strippers and alcohol. I'm pretty into it and it definitely reminds me of "the good old days" of hanging out at shady graffiti parties. Note the "Crazy Train" bassline in the song above.


Attack Attack
I love Katy Perry and I love mosh parts. This band combines the two into something impossibly sweet. Back in the dizzay when I was reading Metal Maniacs and Maximum Rock and Roll I would have never dreamed of a day when something like this would be possible, but guess what: it just happened, son!


3OH!3
These two douchebags from Colorado know how to spit some lyrics: "Shh girl, shut your lips. Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips" is great, but "X's on the back of your hands, wash them off in the bathroom to drink with the bands" is even better! Before you get your panties in a bind and call these guys homos, take 1 second to ask yourself how much hot indie ass they get, and repeat after me: DON'T HATE, CONGRATULATE!

DO WANT (note gold American Apparel tube top and awesome hair)

Conclusions
The main thing is, it makes me really angry that this scene didn't exist when I was a kid. Back in the suffocatingly PC 90s hardcore scene that I grew up in, our idea of fun was going to a vegan bake sale in some motherfucker's basement in Indianapolis or whatever (Guav, are you reading this)! Either that or go see Disembodied with Day of Suffering and get punched in the face by some asshole in a Brother's Keeper basketball jersey.

I'm seriously pissed off that I spent my 20s on hardcore and graffiti instead of getting drunk with hot girls who have awesome hair, and I wish there was fun shit like screamo crunk back then to give me a venue for fun. You see, in the 90s hardcore scene, we took everything very seriously- having fun was the worst sin you could ever commit!

As always, if you think I'm joking when I say that I love this shit, I promise you that I'm not. Look at my Last.fm charts if you want proof!

You Got Served, metalcore edition

I stumbled upon this one quite some time ago, but just remembered it this afternoon. I believe it is no exaggeration to say that this is an early front runner for the worst band of all time- and needless to say, I think this song is great! Then again, I also love Crazy Town (seriously, I do- ask Gene Hoglan's Balls).

The song is called "Thunderhawk" and it is by some band called Timeless.

Usually I would try to come up with some witty, snarky comments, but, well... watch the video. There's really nothing I can say that would top it!