Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Screamo crunk comes to life: BrokeNCYDE / Hollywood Undead show review

If you're lucky, I'll summon the will to go to the upcoming Kottonmouth Kings show

no secret that I love screamo crunk, so you can imagine how excited I was when I saw that Hollywood Undead were playing... and with the infamous BrokeNCYDE of all bands!! It's like a dream come true! In case you couldn't see them in your town, here's my review of the show so you can live vicariously through me and have a little piece of the BC13 magic.

This is when they were chanting something about "Brokencyde, suck my dick."

BrokeNCYDE (aka BC13) opened the show and I was completely fucking stoked to see them. Since some you guys seem confused about this, I like BC13 about half-ironically, depending on the mood I'm in. If I'm wasted and either hanging out with a girl or about to be, I'm pretty into them. If I'm sober and acting like a grown up I can't really handle them. In any case, they started at 7:00PM and I was already fairly drunk because I'd been waiting around the venue for an hour and a half with nothing to do. Well, nothing to do except drink and talk to whatever girls were around who looked like I wouldn't go to prison if I said hi to them. I was hoping to at least get the chance to eyefuck some trainwreck scene girls, but I really didn't see any girls at all that were particularly hot. Kind of disappointing.

You have probably seen the video for "Freaxxx," but this song ("Get Crunk") is even more awesome/retarded

We ended up chatting up a mom/daughter pair that my friend was pretty into. The mom gave me her number. I wasn't really feeling it, but my friend was trying to feel her daughter. I also ended up getting some other girl's number, she was some 27 year-old midwest type with recently-installed fake tits (which I felt after she said "Feel them, they feel fake as shit!!"). She was cool enough but you know the type... she had on a Hurley sweatshirt or something, American Eagle jeans, and white Nike running shoes (not cool ones), and I can't handle that. Still, I did feel her tits so that counts for something.

My friend with the mom/daughter combo

When they started playing I felt like all my dreams were coming true all at once!! I seriously couldn't believe that it was actually happening. I mean, BC13 is basically the most ridiculous pop culture phenomenon of all time, and was just like "Holy fuck, this is actually happening!! This isn't just a dumb internet joke, this band really exists and these kids are 100% non-ironic!" As much as I wish I could pretend to be completely non-ironic here, I realized that I was on a different level than these kids who clearly had no idea that there was anything ridiculous about Brokencyde. With lyrics like these, I have a hard time seeing how that's possible, but it's true:
I can tell by the way she licks her lips.
That we're going to fuck tonight!
OMG I can not live like this.
Will someone take my life!
Here's a knife, go ahead and slice my wrist.
I'm not emo, but I'd rather be dead then with this bitch!!!

Pick up your pants girl!
We're not drunk enough to get it on.
I need viagra!
Cause you're too ugly to turn me on.
I saw your picture.
My Myspace has never done me wrong.
Until tonight girl. You're not my type girl!!!
The other thing that occurred to me is that BC13 represents a changing of the guard in that the kids have finally figured out how to make music that offends and disgusts a generation of people who grew up listening to bands with names like Millions of Dead Cops, Regurgitation, Carcass, Ulcerous Phlegm, etc. I used to jam the Meatshits or whatever and think to myself, "Man, I have no idea how anybody could top this stuff, but I know someone will. I don't know how they'll manage to offend me and my peers, but I know they will." Well, now I know how, and I am happy I got to witness it live! It's pretty fun to google for Brokencyde and read everybody's clueless, butthurt comments about them, but this is only person I've found who actually gets it:
God - spare me the hate spewing “critics”! This music is not about listening to seasoned professional musicians. It’s about these young guys who put sounds together with a keyboard and computer and came up with something cool. It’s about dance beats, trash talking and having a good time. It’s raunchy, sexual, I’m sure it’s making parents toes curl around the world, AND it’s leaving people like you scratching your head saying “wtf?”. Sounds to me like a recipe for success. The next generation is ready to embrace “their” shocker. Posts like this only helps to solidify that perception.
Like you, the Christian retard who sings for Senses Fail (who played this show with BC13) sounds like a confused grandparent when he talks shit on his tourmates:
Yeah, I slam them every night because in no way, shape or form do I back anything they do or say and I am embarrassed that kids these days are into it and am sad that kids these days are exposed to it. There is absolutely no substance whatsoever in their songs and no passion in anything they do. It is the musical equivalent of a snow cone, bland tasting frozen tap water loaded with sugar, yet colorful, that will give you a brain freeze, melt all over your hands leaving yourself dissatisfied and sticky.
Yes, he is a dumb Christian who obviously hates fun, but he does have a point when he says that there is no passion. I have to admit I was pretty disappointed in their live performance. First of all, they were just wearing baggy t-shirts and unremarkable jeans. Where were the alt-bro shutter shades, the neon parkas, the purple skinny jeans?! I paid for a spectacle, dammit! They went through the songs fairly lifelessly. I'll be honest, I didn't find their performance to be particularly crunk. The kid on the left fiddled with knobs on their drum machine or whatever, and the other two guys rapped lethargically.

The guy on the left, holy fuck... he's got a face made for radio.

It might not have been their best show, but I'm still pretty stoked that I'll always be able to say I witnessed BC13 in the flesh!! In 17 years or so, when everybody is nostalgic for this shit, I can start a blog called "Scene Inquisition" and tell dumb stories about the time I saw a dude from The Devil Wears Prada at Starbucks (this happened last summer).

I don't have pictures of these bands so here is this one instead. Sup ladies.

Haste the Day / Senses Fail
I barely remember these bands, I was at the bar most of their sets. The only thing I remember is spin kicking and punching some kids 90s moshcore style, which I didn't recall until I woke up the next morning with bruised knuckles. They were pretty good if you're into Christian moshcore... I mean they're no Strongarm, Focal Point or Crucified, and definitely not Unashamed (so fucking good!), but they were a good diversion.

Apologies for the blurry photo, but it pretty accurately captures how I felt and my fuzzy memories of the night

Hollywood Undead
Now here is a band that I like 100% non-ironically. OK maybe like 98% non-ironically... but you get the point. I don't like anything 100% non-ironically, not even Pantera. I interviewed Funny Man (one of the guys in Hollywood Undead), but he pressed the button on my voice recorder that erased the recording, so I don't have that to add to this post. He was a cool guy and the interview was fun, basically we just talked about how dumb it is when people hate on the West Coast, especially Southern California. Also, he said that while Brokencyde might get more ass on tour, Hollywood Undead get higher-quality ass. I didn't witness anything to confirm or deny it, but it seems like it would be true to me. I didn't really talk to any of the other guys in the band for more than a second, but they seemed cool too.

I played this song for my friend at work a while ago, and she said "Wow they wrote a song about your life."

Their set was super fun and I had a great time, but I have to be honest... after witnessing the postmodern, mash culture extravaganza that is BC13, anything short of Mila Kunis proposing to me would have been a letdown. They opened with "Undead," played most of the record, and closed with "Everywhere I Go." I went home, changed clothes, and went to some DIY show at a warehouse where I drank more, unsuccessfully tried to chat up some indie girl, and drew graffiti in my friend Chris' book until 3 or something when I passed out. All in all, one of the best nights I've had in years!


  1. "the kids have finally figured out how to make music that offends and disgusts a generation of people who grew up listening to bands with names like Millions of Dead Cops, Regurgitation, Carcass, Ulcerous Phlegm, etc."

    When you put it that way, it doesn't seem so bad...

  2. As of reading this, I now know I'm old. Fucking fuck.

  3. You know Sarge, I couldn't help but feel a little sad reading this post. Seeing you admit that your love for brokeNCYDE is, at best, transient, has made me realise that perhaps I shouldn't be taking all of your announcements over music at face value. How, now, can I fully enjoy your many excellent posts on Wigger Slam et. al. now that I know they may not be wholly serious?
    Now, I know that you'll say they are (at least where the slamz are concerned) but how can I trust you now? My world is shattered.
    I liken it to realising that Santa Claus isn't, and was never, real as a child. I am anxious to believe, but the magic is gone.

    I can't really say that I'm surprised BC13 weren't much cop live though. How can they release their full creative force when they're expected to play the same songs over and over again?

  4. BrokenCYDE are supporting Jeffree Starr over here in a few months. I have no fuckin' clue what the hell Jeffree Starr "does" that they'll be "supporting", all I know is that I'll be throwin' on my shiny hooded jacket, drivin' on down and representin'. Or, you know, throwing on a big coat, shades and a hat like the Turtles used to do when they were disguising themselves and hiding up the back in case anyone I know sees me. :o/

  5. i was completely surprised that this post actually turned out to be amusing!

  6. "...and white Nike running shoes (not cool ones), and I can't handle that."

    Classic. I laughed.

  7. I liken it to realising that Santa Claus isn't, and was never, real as a child. I am anxious to believe, but the magic is gone.

    don't say that!! with stuff like wigger slam or pantera, i take them very seriously and sincerely love them, but like all of us, recognize that they are also pretty funny. but just because i'm laughing doesn't mean it's a joke, you know?

  8. You guys are just NOW figuring out not to take his comments about music seriously? This is the guy that got me into 311 AND Sheryl Crow!

  9. Greatest. Blog. Ever.

    The Hipster Runoff dude is probably crying himself to sleep right now...

  10. It's all about Millionaires now

  11. I felt most of the same sentiment when I saw bring me the horizon/pierce the veil/cancerbats early this month...those girls are hella young- their hair voluminous, decked out in forever XXI...

  12. Ok...I'm now absolutely certain that I'm a clueless jackass. What does it mean to like something ironically? Is that pretending to like things that you think are lame, or just "getting the joke"? Like, if I'm listening to Mindless Self Indulgence or ICP because they crack my shit up, am I ironically liking them because I don't take them seriously?

  13. Like, if I'm listening to Mindless Self Indulgence or ICP because they crack my shit up, am I ironically liking them because I don't take them seriously?


  14. Hollywood Undead helps pay my bills. How fucked up is that Sgt. D? I'm glad I helped you get in for free. No one needs to be paying to see that.

  15. I gotta defend sergeant D on this one. Everyone has a band they non ironically like which they will take flak for admitting they like...

    Everyone has one.

    Like the immortal mel brooks says in History of the world part 1:

    King Louis XVI: I do it, I love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready to do it again, don't tell me you don't do it!

    i even gave a little flak at sargeant D at first for the emo crunk post but i will no more.

    It's like these posts have given me the courage to bring things out of my musical closet.

    So here it goes, Sarge this is for you!!!

    I NON IRONICALLY LOVE ALKALINE TRIO!!! (well except for their newest album, but I fucking 100% non ironically love the 5 before it.)


  16. i don't know alkaline trio's music, but i like the guy who played drums for them shortly, because he was in smoking popes. so there, i like the smoking popes. sue me. wait, no. don't please don't sue me.

  17. This whole comment section is like group therapy for old salty metal dudes. I love this site.

  18. Dude, if only we could get Hollywood Undead, Cephalotripsy, and Coldwater Canyon to tour together! Imagine!
    Get someone in your PR department on that, stat!

    Non-ironic guilty pleasure: NOFX.

    Please don't tell anyone.

  19. its so weird to me that anyone would consider alkaline trio or nofx a guilty pleasure... who DOESN'T like those bands???

    also, "stupid kid" is a classic.

  20. I non ironically like the new Elvenking cd.....

    It could be much worse.

  21. Two thumbs way up for this post/comment thread!
    Thumb one: Just mentioning The's the little things that keep me happy.
    Thumb two: The Smoking Popes. "Let's Hear It For Love", the greatest non-hit hit single of the nineteen ninties.

    Non ironic pleasure: Humble Pie

  22. wow letting this stuff out feels like as though it is making everyone breathe a bit easier.

    Its like that Halls commercial where after taking the halls the guy imagines hes in a sauna between two huge hairy russian guy and one say in a heavily accented voice "Breathe my friend, breathe."

    yep it's exactly like that.

    sorry bout all the allusions, but i'm at work and i'd rather be anywhere else but here.

    so I'll be putting on some alkaline trio guilt free.

    Now my friends, go and listen to your music no longer feeling as though you got caught masturbating.

    unless of course, you're listening to wanker metal, which just means youre still masturbating, but just onto an ibanez.

  23. Now my friends, go and listen to your music no longer feeling as though you got caught masturbating.

    isn't a liberating feeling to let yourself enjoy the things you like? now if you'll excuse me, i am going to put on the 2nd Crazytown album (i really am).

  24. I think "Pretty Pathetic" is the best Smoking Popes song.

  25. Smug...your picture creeps me out. Anyways...since we are all coming clean...Justin Timberlake is the man. Cry Me A River is one of the greatest pop songs of this decade.

  26. Death by guillotine? Nay, a mild tickling by flaccid noodles.

  27. if I want irony with my music I'll listen to joke bands exclusively like Primus, Sausage, Dead Milkmen, Infectious Grooves, Scatterbrain, on a lesser extent Faith No More, RHCP etc. but I think that SGD's frolics into big neon flash hype music with no real substance or originality to them (despite their obviously "amazing" genre fusions) actually leads me to believe that SGD is seriously struggling with some sexuality/ personality disorders brought on by Big Media social experiments. Interesting stuff though, let's see where SGDs misguided attempts to feel part of his generations' hugely 'marketable' ambitions to never take music seriously again end up... ride the walrus!

  28. I for one will say that Alkaline Trio's "Good Mourning" album is easily the best rock record of the past 9 years! Still listen to it frequently, and I not only own the CD, but the LP, AND the euro digipack with the extra songs! Great fucking band, just as morbid and tongue in cheek if not more than most metal bands... Even their old stuff is amazing, Matt Skiba is a genius, except the new album is kinda lame... LEE

  29. Shameful non-ironic pleasure foghat, and hate eternal.... only joking hate eternal still suck!

  30. First: Fucking FOCAL POINT!? I am the only person I know of, ever, who knows who those guys are. Unashamed, Strongarm and Crucified I know a few people who are aware of them, but I have never known of ANYONE who knows Focal Pint. That makes me tingly in my Jesus parts.

    Second: Interesting fun-fact about Alkaline Trio: they are one of the only bands listed on the official Church Of Satan links page. Pretty fucking sweet, even though the only thing I know about these guys is that they were in the Emogame.

  31. Focal Pint may be the most awesome typo I have ever published.

  32. great blog.

    i still think im too scared to try this "sceamo crunk" thing. it just seems to young and trendy/poser.

    im scared my friends will laugh at me.

    my non ironic guilty pleasure is dragonforce. and poison (does this make me a poser? probably). my friends laugh at that too. fuck em.

  33. wooderson,
    timerlake's music is fantastic. nothing wrong with that, he has little to do with it. much props to the amazing producers, song writers and session musicians he gets to play on his tracks. like many drummers i happen to enjoy some bands and some recordings for that very reason, although some obsessions go beyond it. how else can i explain my love of steely dan's "aja" album?

  34. This whole comment section is like group therapy for old salty metal dudes.

    exactly. this is a safe place. you are among friends, you can be yourself... unless you're a beardo in which case, get fucked.

  35. I actually have just few bands/singers that I like ironically...most part of my musical taste involves me taking it seriously - that's why I am not into Manowar or black metal in general, prefering to listen to Gaiola das Popozudas (youtube it).

  36. Holy shit, guys. For an absolutely fucking hilarious BrokeNCYDE-related video, check out this link. It pretty much sums it all up.

    Oh, and there's this too:

  37. Sorry, here's the 2nd link again:

  38. I just want to say, I'm not even into metal, and I love your blog. Awesome writing man.

  39. Lucho: Aja rips! Good album.
    My non-ironic love? SKID ROW.

  40. I once saw two BMTH guys at Walgreens.

  41. To be truly free we must learn what this beast is all about. this
    beast goes by many differnt names
    like Christ or Satan. If we examine this beast through the eyes of a Christian we can see thier deception runs deep. They all think they know whats best for
    others. They think they are doing
    a good thing by finding fault in
    others. This is what brings mental
    illness and drug and alcohol abuse to this world because those who are judged will always feel like shit about themselves.On the flip side of the same coin we find those who worship Satan. These people can see the truth but through thier misunderstanings they all become self serving and
    full of hate. I have been on both
    sides of this evil. I learned that
    either way we see it the Christ always wins. He loves people to be
    obiediant to him therefore dictating thier life of obiediance. He also loves hate because this is what he is all about. He can pass judgement against all those who hate him this way he can control us all.
    Because the so called rightious
    of this earth can hate the ones who hate obiediance. Then his evil
    of hate and pain can rule. Just
    remember that he was born to rape
    this world. Now all time revolves around him.At birth it became year 1 of A.D. This proves he was born
    to die. This makes his crusifiction all insignificant he was dead in 33 A.D. So this is how we see all time today in B.C. and
    A.D. Everyone in this world seems
    to fall for his twisted madness.
    no matter what side your on you always going to do his bidding.
    If we want to stand up to this beast we must reverse his game. If
    you really what to eliminate this
    so called Christ we must keep our
    serinity and just tell all the so called righjtious the truth. That
    is that we know all the evil he
    brought to this earth and we still
    love and forgive him. If we see it
    this way all the self-rightious will be able to do is cry. His words turned this whole world into
    hate by his judgements of us all.
    So dont give him the sadisfaction
    of hate for others or you will fall into his game of deiciet thats what he wants. Instead of hate just laugh at this ignorant
    world. That will really piss them off and they wont be able to lift
    a finger agiant us. So come now children of the beast be strong
    and shout at the devil.

  42. This is my story of how I was rapped by the Christ. Many years ago I sought help for my drug and alcohol abuse. I was told I was
    stupid and my best thinking got me there so I should just set down shut up and listen. I learned I
    could have a God of my own understanding. This is what I prefer to as a half truth or lie.
    I found to be accepted by them your
    God must have certin qualitys. Hr
    must be a God of self-rightiousness
    judgement,fear and of course obediance. I then learned of all my
    defects and believed all thier judgements cast agianst me. I became the type of person I use to dispise. A servent to thier every
    whim. After 7 years of tring to get
    clean and sober to no aviel I was
    told I was incapable of being honest and seemed to have been born
    that way. I was also told that my
    chances at a good life were less than average and I may be mentally ill. I still had belief in them and
    society and was called a parinoid-
    sctzo. I lived the next 15 years in
    scitzophenea through thier lies and
    pills. I learnd I was just another
    victum of thier Christ insanity. Hell they even tried to give me an
    exsersism.This is when I finally
    learned that societry was the insane people not me. Through the judgements of this Christ wew were all judged as being unworthy of God's love. So we all think we know whats be4st for others through his self-rightiousness. We
    think this is love and compassion.
    In truth nothing could be farther
    from the truth. This is exactally
    the way he brought all the evil to this earth we see today. I found that the one true God doesn't want
    us all to run around in fear of his judgements and those of others.
    The truth is we are all equals in his eye's exactally who he meant for us to be. I found he is acually ufended when we try to change others for the good because
    all this does is interfear with his perfection and brings evil. Today I have 19 years clean and sober and still believe what I learned through heavy meyal is the
    truth. I believe if we could all see this light we could put an end to leaders,greed and self-rightiousness in this world of evil. eventually we would see an end come to drug abuse and alcoholism because there will be nothing left to fear. Once this
    stupid world learns this we can all
    live as it was meant to be from the start. Onearth as it is in heanen. I'm sure everyone has thier
    own experience of thier own of how
    they were rapped from this deviant
    Christ so why cant we all wake the fuck up and see through the lies. I still cant understand.

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