Metal Inquisition is one year old!

Who would have thought that a blog which started largely as an afterthought would grow to be the behemoth Metal Inquisition has become? With over 400 posts, and a staff of 86 (plus 22 sub-contractors and consultants working at our Innovation Center), Metal Inquisition has grown to be considered an absolute authority in subjects as wide ranging as: Blue Grape Merchandise, Wigger Slam, and heavy metal real estate. Thanks to all the readers for making this possible.

At the risk of being accused of trying to rehash old content (like those Who's The Boss episodes where they would just use clips by having Tony or Mona say: "remember when..."), I urge you to go back through our early posts. While some may not be up to the standard that we are now known for, I assure you that there are some real gems in there. Back then, many posts got one or two comments, if we were lucky. I guess that's how Bill Gates feels about the days back when he only made one or two million a year.

Early on, we brought you such gems as a fat guy nearly having an aneurysm, David Vincent talking about cake and lemon pie, some sweet vocal exercises, we told you about how Glen Benton has a webcam, we discussed David Vincent's muffin top, we compared thrash revival to civil war re-enactments, we showed you Joey DeMaio wearing a man-thong, Helloween's artwork was discussed at great length. There are lots more posts worth mentioning, but you should really go back and look around for yourself.

It's been a great year. Cheers to ya'll.

Where are they now: Blue Grape Merchandise

Back in 1992, my brother and I would go down to the supermarket on a bi-monthly basis in order to pick up the latest issue of Metal Maniacs. After checking out the main articles and the poster, there was only one thing to look for....the Blue Grape Merchandise ad in the back. Over the years, we spent a small fortune on Blue Grape's horribly produced shirts and other assorted merchandise, helping the company make upwards of $20 million a year from idiots like us. I don't know why we wasted our money on their shirts...we are both short and rather slight, while Blue Grape's shirts were sized like tarps or circus tents.

Looking back, I can't remember if Blue Grape offered shirts in sizes other than XXL and up, but based on the shirts from back then that my brother and I still have...I think Blue Grape estimated that the average size of a metal fan was roughly 5'2" tall and 5'6" wide. Below is an accurate computer rendering of what I looked like wearing my Blue Grape Obituary shirt circa 1992.

Is that the Liberty Bell? No, just Lucho wearing his Obituary shirt.

Notice how my feet stuck out at the bottom, making me look like a scale model of the Liberty Bell. This attractive look basically made my feet look like the the part of a bell that swings like a pendulum as I walked, striking the actual bell/shirt. That part of a bell is called a "clapper", but I didn't know if anyone would know that. Anyway, I really don't know why we kept buying their wares. At one point, we actually placed such a large order that they sent us a gift certificate, with which we bought (I'm not kidding) a small, t-shirt shaped sign for my brother's new car. The sign was just like one of those "baby on board" signs, including the suction cup, but was of a tiny Sepultura shirt, which said "Tour 1989" on the back. I would love to go on and on making fun of them for producing such a stupid artifact, but we were dumb enough to buy it. My brother had it on the back window of his car for some time, until the heat began to melt and warp one of the sleeves...thus enlarging it, much like an actual Blue Grape t-shirt, or their coveted Prong hockey jerseys.

When I first decided to write a little something about Blue Grape, I thought I would find ample information about the once-leading purveyor of metal related attire. Not so. Like the Incas, who disappeared and only left behind Machu Picchu for us to admire, all that remains of Blue Grape are some ill-fitting circus tents in my closet and some faint memories. While I found several phone numbers online for the now forgotten company, all were disconnected. Their site is now down, a mere memory of a once great shirt empire. Similarly, their office (see photo below) which was located on Broadway in New York City, is now probably vacant. I picture tumbleweed rolling around the empty cubicles, as a single Prong hockey jersey still hanging proudly on the wall.

Blue Grapes former world headquarters were located over this Levi's store in Manhattan. Prime real estate for a company that sold Deicide keychains and shirts.

I found one posting of a job at Blue Grape from 2004. $50,000 a year for a Senior Production Director. I also found an interesting interview with Felix Sebacious, then VP at Blue Grape in which he discusses how Blue Grape started to make panties, and how he was able to get Glen Benton to sign the merchandise deal for Deicide. Sebacious recalls:

"When he finally agreed to a meeting time, it could only be at 7 a.m. on a Sunday in the backyard of his house. Before discussing his contract, he insisted that I help him give his lizard an injection of antibiotics. We went through this whole bonding experience that included holding the thing down and giving it the shot, but in the end, we were able to get the contract signed quite easily, and it turned out to be a rather lucrative merchandising deal."

As interesting as I found this interview, I was left wanting more. What had happened to this once great empire? I had way too many questions. Was it their horrendous sizing strategy that had finally put them out of business? Did the managers at the factories where Sepultura patches were made get carpal tunnel from endlessly beating the Filipino boys who made those artifacts? Was "Sebacious" a real last name? I had to keep investigating.


In the past, I have written about my memories of long-forgotten merchants in the world of metal such as Wild Rags Records. After writing that post, I ended up with more questions than answers, though our readers did manage to fill in some blanks via their comments. Like Blue Grape, Wild Rags largely fell off the map suddenly. In Wild Rags' case it was mostly as a result of having peaked before the internet boom. Not content simply letting the whole thing go, I thought I should contact a friend of mine who is in the very business that Blue Grape was in, merchandise and licensing. Even from such an industry insider, I was only able to gather a tiny bit of information. Blue Grape was bought out by Bravado just a few years back. They had started to license some non-metal brands, and after being bought out, all those other licenses were dumped. Sadly, this is all the information I was able to gather. Do any readers have any more information, or perhaps stories about their ill-sized Blue Grape merch?

Black Metal Gets The Thumbs Up From Madison Avenue

I know, I know...even mentioning black metal for comedic purposes is now considered expected. Some would say it's way too easy. As a matter of fact, while the saying "like taking candy from a baby" is common in many households, in my house we use the less common but no less poignant "like making fun of black metal". Be that as it may, I simply couldn't help myself since I wanted to share this video with you...so read on.

Back in 1993 or so, my brother used to put out a video 'zine. The concept of a video 'zine seems insanely odd and dated now, but back then it kinda' made sense. Kinda'. If you were heavily into tape trading in the early 90s, you'd probably understand. Anyway, I used to help him with the 'zine, and I remember one guy that we interviewed for it very well. He was the singer for a death metal band, and when we asked him what bands he was influenced by, he listed mostly obscure black metal bands. After we recorded the interview, we drove home and got a frantic call from this guy. He wanted us to delete the portion of the video where he listed all the black metal bands that he listened to, and to please not put that portion in the 'zine. He was afraid of possible retaliation or violence from black metal bands as a result of him being in a death metal band, but being into black metal. This sounds absolutely insane now, and to be honest, it sounded a little silly to us back then too. To be fair, however, I guess at the time it seemed to be somewhat within the realm of possibility. God, how things have changed.



I'm sure the guys from Darkthrone wish they could get .000002% of the profits generated by this ad campaign so that they can quit their jobs at the post office.

Robb Flynn's Disease. Before And After

Metal Inquisition once again opens its video vault, this time to reveal footage of Robb Flynn prior to contracting the very disease that would be named after him. I remember watching this footage of Vio-Lence when it first came out (1990) and thinking these guys were absolutely rad. Now I look at this footage and realize that they all look like meth dealers who were molested by their uncles. Were they sponsored by Fruit Of The Loom? What's with all the sweatpants, sweatshirts and gym socks? Jesus. Also, please note the amazing facial hair.


Anyway, please pay attention to the shy gentleman wearing the sweet Metal Church hat. That young man, the one with the quiet demeanor, is none other than Robb Flynn. Who knew that such a nice guy would go on to be such a huge douche bag. Come to think of it, as silly as the guys in Vio-Lence look in this interview...I much prefer it to what Robb has gone on to do, both musically and fashion-wise. Ah, the good old days.

Lastly, if any of you out there are in a band, it's very important that you pay close attention to this whole video. Here, the guys in the band break down how they got signed and went on sell tens of records worldwide. Apparently, doing a "demo giveaway through Mechanic" is the key to their success. This video also offers a quick primer on how to deal with the media. Apparently, you have to talk into the camera. Watch and learn.

Recruiting for Metal: A Human Resources Model for Hiring in the Metal Community

I didn't know what to make of this at first, but I soon knew I needed to bring it to MI. This was found over at something awful yesterday. Sadly, it sounds like something I may have written when I was younger. Read through it and then we can get to business.

_______________________________________________________

Hey looking for hardcore rock gods to start SUPER BLACK METAL BAND

I am learning to play guitar and also Im ok at singing. need drummer, guitarist, bassist and songwriter to join ONLY JOIN IF YOUR SERIOUS ABOUT METAL OK. I have a bunch of lyrics written so just need someone to come up with music for them. One would be are signature song because its about this high school in an post apoctlyptic world where all the teachers are really The Devil wearing different masks.

Also I was thinking we could be called "Black Horse Riders Of The North" or maybe "Sheep Gut Lickers", I haven't decided.

I am a sophomore at Carlsbad High and I think we can sometimes use the band room because the band teacher likes me, other then that I need someone with a place to practice cuz mom won't let me play metal, she's too afraid of it's POWER

plz contact Dwayne Geitz


_______________________________________________________

Noah Begley
334 Wilson St.
Carlsbad, CA 92008
4/27/08

Dear Mr. Geitz,

I am writing in regards to the advertised position in your black metal band. I would very much like a chance to be part of this venture, and I feel that I have the rock god skills necessary to efficiently build and maintain a high profile Satan-worshipping black metal band. My education and background are perfect for a "god of metal" position, as I will explain below.

After graduating from Harvard, with distinction, in the field of English (a degree that puts me in a unique position to provide constructive and informed criticism for lyrics involving oral sex with voluptuous demonic women who have broad ashy nipples that taste faintly of molten rock and acid, and about riding at night on an enormous black war machine piloted by Satan to rain destruction on young innocent Christians, and about going to a 24-hour diner created in the darkest pits of hell, clad in ebony robes worn to perform demonic incantations, and eating a plate of fried cheese and buffalo wings in the corner by the bathroom), I was hired by a large accounting firm in New York.

During my time at this accounting firm, I learned how to work effectively in a team environment, how to manage time wisely to meet concurrent goals, and how to hate authority to the maximum levels that I am personally able to attain. In the area of hating authority, I took the initiative in getting my boss's face tattooed on my left shoulder with a knife protruding out of his forehead. The skills I gained in being really mad at authority and also working effectively in a team environment would be perfect for use in a devil-focused black metal band.

I left a threatening note on my boss's porch once, which demonstrates a commitment to achieving my goals, and also I broke into his house and watched his TV all night while he slept and then snuck out just as he woke up but not before switching the order of the breakfast cereals on the kitchen shelf. This indicates a variety of skills so useful and applicable to the job in question that I will not actually name any of them here.

After departing from the position at the accounting agency soon after the previously described events, I embarked on a self-supervised course of heavy metal history in my home over the span of two years. Utilizing a guitar I bought off my cousin and a collection of used CDs I purchased economically from a going out of business music store, I rapidly taught myself the basic structure of heavy metal instrumentation, as well as the required attitude, mindset, and fashion accessories needed to both appreciate and perform metal at a consistent standard of quality.

My self-appointed goal was to reach a certain level of "kicking ass" each day, which I judged through the method of looking at myself in the mirror and gauging how awesome I looked. When not performing to adequate levels of "kick ass", I taught myself a variety of strategies to overcome the problem, such as the consumption of alcoholic performance aids, or calling my boss in the middle of the night and hanging up just after he answers.

I am looking forward to working with you, and I have my amp and guitar packed up in the trunk of my Ford Probe ready to go the moment I am contacted. I also have a leather jacket with the word "SATAN RULES" written on the back in duct tape, which could be utilized in a variety of situations. The L and the R are half-fallen off, but you can still definitely see what it is supposed to say.

Your brother in metal,
Noah Begley

_______________________________________________________

hey naoh,

thanks for writing me about the metal band thing but I'm looking for people who are a little more committed and serious about this, I think we may be able to take on the school talent show in a few months if we really work at it
may satan rock your world,


Dwayne

_______________________________________________________


I doubt this is real, but it got me thinking. What if metal bands applied HR practices when looking for new members? Also, how would some of my metal icons rate if reviewed using what I use for interviewing new hires?

_______________________________________________________



Chuck Schuldiner
Chuck interviewed well and had all the right answers to the questions asked. Some reviewing of past work experience shows that while he runs his own business, he has had problems with retaining employees. He seems like a natural born leader, but questions of being a team player remain. His examples of past projects show excellent knowledge of the market that teeter on the verge of true innovation. Chuck comes across as one who is always thinking ahead, but I question if this comes at a cost of alienating others due to what I perceive as a stubbornness to work collaboratively in the long term.

_______________________________________________________


John Tardy
This seemed to go on a bit longer than it should have. Considering personality, I really like John, but professionally I am not sure if he is a good fit. He seemed to have a hard time articulating ideas and appeared to be drunk as his words were slurred and drawn out. He has spent a long time with his current employee with brings up concerns of being able to fit into a new organization. I am not sure, based on his experience, that he meets the demands of the new market.

_______________________________________________________


Gene Hoglan
Gene was quiet during the interview as if he almost didn’t care he was interviewing. Gene has a long history of employment with different employers. He also possesses a bit of a journeyman mentality. He is very skilled at what he does, but the big question is about dedication. His resume suggests a fair amount of moving from job to job within short frames of time. We should consider for a consultant but not full-time.

_______________________________________________________


Kerry King
I am not sure what Kerry does. He has worked for a very large and well know establishment with in the community, but seems to play a secondary role to a much more talented coworker. He appears to be a bit all over the place and has a tendency to dwell into the nonsensical. He does possess a strong skill set but based on experience as well as personal appearance, he comes across as being a follower and not a leader. He is one who could strengthen the organization, but no necessarily redefine it.

Unfortunate Moments In Metal Business Theory: Coffee + Metal

If you're anything like me, when you think about the perfect person to pick coffee beans in order to have the ideal blend of rich aroma and complex flavors, you think of Anthrax drummer Charlie Benante. When it comes to picking the very best in Peruvian fair trade beans, on the other hand, your man would be Dave Mustaine. Those are just the guys that come to mind when I think about these things. Call me crazy.

Luckily for all of us, someone out there agrees with my assessment. That someone is a lucky, yet bored housewife who's married to our favorite redheaded metal crybaby, Dave Mustaine. In order to keep her happy (and busy), Dave has allowed his wife to use the money he earns from Megadeth royalties to start Legends Cup Coffee (yes, it's a real company click the link). With signature coffee blends by Mr. Mustaine, as well as Charlie Benante and Goldberg (the wrestler), the company is sure to take the beverage world by storm. But probably not. Charlie Benante? Dave Mustaine? I think perhaps "legends" is overstating it bit...don't you? The poor woman is so out of it due to years of having to hear Dave go on and on and on about his fast picking, that she actually believes her husband and his friends are somewhat relevant to anyone in the world. Oh, how very little she knows. Megadeth, in my opinon, peaked during "So Far, So Good, So What...", a record that barely made any waves at all in the world of metal. A record so average, that it is the perfect musical embodiment of the expression "meh".

In this picture, Mustaine shows us yet another way that he can make an ass out of himself. He can do it on stage, by having a signature coffee blend, by crying on film, AND by engaging in a sport usually preferred by suburban 10 year olds.

But let's get back on track here folks, because I have good news. Aside from coffee, you can pay $39.99 for an autographed Mustaine mug. A MegaMug, if you will. Now, rather than making your co-workers guess how much of a douchebag you are, you can give them concise proof.

Here's the awesome Mustaine mug. I can't help but picture the moron who would buy this crying when the signature comes off in the dishwasher.

More about Mustaine's marriage. If you ever wondered what absolute desperation sounds like, just read the message below from Dave Mustaine about his chosen blend. This is a man at the end of his rope, doing whatever he can to support a wife that is nagging him 24-7. Please note his overuse of caps, as well as the use of the phrase "SO FAR". Not only does it make you have less faith in the product, but it also seems like a stupid attempt at making a Megadeth album pun. Maybe "My Wife Is Selling Crap Coffee, But Who's Buying?" Would have sounded better.

This is my favorite coffee SO FAR, and I hope it will be your favorite coffee too, SO FAR, until I can decide on which coffee to bring you next! This PERUVIAN coffee was so pleasing to taste and had the right boost I needed in the morning for me to prepare for another day of shredding! This DARK ROAST is the way I prefer it, but you can choose to have your coffee roasted NORMAL too. Its that simple! So join me and drink from the Legend's Cup.

Back to Charlie. Let's enjoy his message to us, the potential buyers of his fine product. His message is a bit more understated than MegaDave's.

Hello Coffee Lovers,
You all know me, you know how I earn a living. When I'm not bashing on my drums to the sounds of ANTHRAX, I like to enjoy a good cup of Coffee. I will drink it hot, iced, frapped and intravenously. I've been all around the world, tried many different blends and I have come up with some combinations that Kick Ass. If you are a coffee drinker, I think you're going to Love it. This is the Start of something really Delicious.

Note how he too uses caps for no reason at all. This is what I would imagine an email written by an inmate or a retard would look like.

So if Charlie and Dave are logical choices for picking my coffee blend, and marketing it...why not other "stars" in the metal world?


Billy Milano's Fat, Annoying Blend
Inspired by the pathetic similarity between S.O.D. and M.O.D., Billy's choice is the exact same blend as Charlie Benante's...but not quite as good. It also has 980 calories per cup, and leaves an annoying aftertaste similar to that of pure lard.


Evil D's-Evil Coffee
This dark and evil blend of coffee was pretty good when first introduced to the marketplace in the early 90's. Sadly, the quality has dropped precipitously after his wife chose to mess with the formula. Please note that feeling incredibly embarrassed by merely seeing a cup of this coffee is a perfectly normal reaction.

Danny Lilker's Tiny Blend
Made up of very tiny coffee grounds, this blend's unusual make up is primarily inspired by Danny's tiny baby-like teeth. Like Danny's career, you'll think something is happening when you begin to brew this coffee...but nothing will ever come of it. The smell of the coffee may seem promising, but don't be fooled. This fine blend of beans will simply never brew into actual coffee at all. Ideal as a gag gift.

King Diamond-Grandma's Favorite
A coffee so good, that even Grandma will forget about the fact she wanted tea, not coffee. This personalized blend is a favorite of people in highly influential metal bands, but you'll probably hate it when you first try it, and ask yourself "what the hell were they going on, and on about?" It's worth mentioning that the first few bags of this coffee that shipped were kinda' okay...but any of them that are dated 1989 or later, are terribly annoying and work best when thought of as a novelty coffee.

Please note that due to current litigation, this flavor is not available. Gene Simmons has filed paperwork in a California District Court alleging that he in fact invented this blend. As such, Kind Diamond must relinquish past earnings from this product. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.

Metal Gets Co-Opted. Again.

I know it happens from time to time. The very thing you love is co-opted by those you hate. Metal, being perhaps one of the most un-cool subcultures in the world, often remains untouched by urban hipsters. Still we knew it was only a matter of time once douchebags in Williamsburg started rocking fashion mullets years ago. Remember that? Some still have them. By the way, I'm not being defensive over mullets, but they bring back fond memories of my early days in metal. They were like my metal training wheels. It appears as though there is no such thing as original thoughts anymore, only people who can reach deeper into their bag of influences in hopes that the sub culture they are ripping off is unknown to the intended audience.



Anyway, Mishka NYC is some kind of hipster clothing company or store or something. I honestly don't know, and I take pride in that fact. Their newest line of shirts features both a Death logo rip-off as well as a Nuclear Assault one. It's also worth noting that the company sponsors a freestyle biking team (oh, how very 80s), which features a fat kid who loves to eat ice cream cake, loves ironic bright 80s colors, and loves to wear a pseudo Nuclear Assault logo shirt for photoshoots.

As this picture was taken, Chubbs thought "How can I eat ice cream cake AND wear ironic clothing at the same time? Man, this multi-tasking thing is tough"

In said hipster-trash bike team, there's also this guy, with his hilarious handlebar mustache. It's ironic AND a bicycle pun! Oh, what will they think of next? If Dave Mustaine sees this, he'll cry like he did in Some Kind Of Monster.


Look, I know that these guys may have insane metal credentials...but I doubt it. Am I being elitist by saying no one who can't name at least three Tankard songs that aren't on The Morning After can wear such shirts? Maybe. But can anyone as deeply steeped in metal as I am ever be elitist? Metal is for losers. Period. We are scum, and I like it that way. Unlike other subcultures that managed to rise from the bottom (like hip hop as it first existed in the late 70s and early 80s), metal has no real redeeming qualities. That's why most of us (perhaps unknowingly) were attracted to it as kids. As such, this is purely 80s nostalgia, and I hate it. I know I'm a grouchy old fart. Metal is a pathetic sub-culture, but it's mine. I'd like to keep it that way, thank you.


PS: Perhaps the most interesting case of a small part of metal culture being co-opted certainly had to be members of Three 6 Mafia routinely wearing Maiden shirts on their MTV reality show. I can't find a picture of this for the life of me. Anyway, I'm sure some stylist gave them the shirts, and they thought the shirts looked cool. So why was that any different? Unlike Brooklyn hipsters, I think Three 6 Mafia have an incredibly likable side to them. Hipsters have no such side. I've looked. Nothing. Also, and not to delve too deeply into race politics and power dynamics, it seems only fair that Three 6 Mafia should wear Maiden shirts after years of white teens appropriating every aspect of black culture. And also as payback for Wigger Slam and for Chuck Billy getting cornrows.

Wimps and posers, leave MySpace!!

Did anyone have any doubts that ManOwar are the TRUE kings of metal? Well, they in fact SO metal, they deny requests for friends in MySpace. After all, "they don't attract wimps, 'cuz they are too loud!". Here's an email I got from a friend of mine. I wouldn't go as far as calling her a "poser", but I guess she's not metal enough for the KINGS of metal.

"Even if you're not a member of MySpace, you know how it is, right? No bands really deny your friend requests. Most are hungry for numbers and any opportunity to promote is a good opportunity. Or so I thought.

I know I'm not embedded in the scene. I know I don't look the part. But I have a base understanding, a past, and an appreciation for metal that most currently outside the scene don't.

So here's where I'm left scratching my head and at the same time loving ManOwar even more now! Those assholes are so freakin' metal that they went through swarms of friend requests that they got on MySpace and carefully selected just who is metal enough to consider their friendship. No posers allowed!

I can see it now, Joey Demaio and Scott Columbus tooling around on MySpace and gleefully answering their friend requests. Upon seeing a short chubby red-head with glasses and a flipped up hairdo they thought, "Who the fuck is this chick? She doesn't look metal. Let's click on her profile and see what she's into. ... Weezer, Jerry Lee Lewis, her hair really isn't that long and she isn't dressed all slutty like we like 'em. This chick ISN'T metal. She has no place in the Kingdom of Steel."

In some ways you gotta love that. I'd rather be denied their friendship than know they randomly accepted applicants. I guess if I want to talk the talk, I've got to walk the walk.

PS: The SkullKrusher's request WAS accedpted like 3 years ago!

Nuclear Assault Band Members Talk About Their Dreams And Aspirations. Dan Lilker Shows Us His Tiny Teeth.

Have you ever watched one of those shows on A&E where they interview inmates who are doing hard time for unbelievably heinous crimes? Those guys seem to always talk about the very caring, and amazing things they would do if they were out of jail. "I would like to be with my daughter every day, hug her and kiss her...and I would start an organization to help other men whose lives went wrong so they could learn to walk the righteous path."

Just like hearing a guy who was convicted of triple homicide and rape talk about his dreams, hearing members of Nuclear Assault talk about what they would do if they weren't in Nuclear Assault seems a bit disturbing and wrong. Yes they are entitled to their dreams, but they have inflicted so much pain on humanity.

Please note:

1. Dan Lilker looks like he has down syndrome, or fetal alcohol syndrome. One of the two. or maybe both.
2. Is said syndrome to blame for his insane tooth to gum ratio? This guy puts Molly Ringwald to shame
3. Dan's Wehrmacht shirt. By the way, the guys in that band should have really thought about their band's name a bit harder. At the risk of sounding overly sensitive....how did they come up with the name? "I know guys, since we're going to be a funny crossover band...let's name ourselves after the Nazi armed forces? Funny huh?" Yikes.

A Fireside Chat With Anthrax

Did you ever wonder how a band like Anthrax was able to overcome unbelievable odds and become one of the leading second rate thrash bands of the late 80s? In this up-close and personal interview, band members discuss this very topic as well as others that should be of great interest to any fan. As you enjoy this video content, please take note of the following items.

1. Sweet high-tops
2. Frank Bello's purple polo shirt
3. Annoying New York accents
4. All their haircuts are delicately manicured into the same topiary-like shape. The structure, volume and shape is amazing. One oval shape as the top, two Pluto (as in, the dog) like ears down the sides. The images below illustrate the underlying structure of their topiary hair.