Where would Chris Barnes buy a used Porsche?

If you ever asked yourself this question (and who among us hasn't), this video will give you the answer you've been looking for:



(video via Mr Gene Hoglan's Balls)

Signs of the times: Photographic evidence of my advancing age

An ongoing theme here at Metal Inquisition is that of getting older, and coming to terms with what that means. I've talked about my need to wear orthotics in the past, as well as my general confusion about the tastes of metal's younger generations. Today I bring you photographic proof of my advancing age.

Exhibit A: The King Diamond Hand-Painted Shirt

Right before halloween, I found myself at a local thrift store shopping around for items to complete my costume. It was during that trip that I found one of the greatest pieces of clothing ever to be seen at a thrift store. As you can see from the picture above, I'm talking about a hand-painted King Diamond shirt. I was so excited about the shirt, that I quickly bought it without even thinking about it. I was extremely happy with my purchase, and even emailed a photo of the shirt to fellow M.I. staffers. Why bring up this shirt you ask? Because I now own it, but will never really wear it. Back in the day, I would have rocked the shit out of this thing. Today, I find myself staring it at the lonely shirt in my drawer...King Diamond's eyes look back at me and he says "Hey man, back in the day...you would have worn this shirt everyday! Don't be a poser!" I look back at King and say "Dude, those were different times, I have a job now. I'm older. I can't wear a shirt like this to work! Maybe during the summer I'll wear it when I cut the grass in the backyard." Notice that I tell King "when I cut the grass in the backyard", because I'd be afraid to be seen by the neighbors cutting the grass in the front lawn wearing this shirt. I know what you're saying, I'm a huge poser, and I shouldn't care. But this, my friends, is the moment in life in which I find myself. I guess I care. I guess I've finally realized that wearing a shirt with a handpainted King Diamond face is not exactly the coolest thing to wear around town. If a 12 year old version of me saw how I'm living he would laugh and then yell at me for not rocking this shirt 24/7. That 12 year old version of me would then ask me when I'm going on tour with my thrash band. I would have to hang my head low and tell the truth. I'm not in a thrash metal band.

Exhibit B: My Homemade Traper Keeper

Back in the 80s, Trapper Keepers were the hottest article to have during school hours. This was even true in the slightly backwards country where I grew up. The Mead corporation had us all by the balls. Sadly, my parents were never able to buy me one of these highly covetted three-ring binders. Instead, from an early age, I learned to make my own custom three-ring binders. Above is a picture of one such binder I made. This one is actually from 1992/1993, a time when the Trapper Keeper madness had already worn down, but my need for such a binder apparently hadn't. Though you may think that the bands featured on this binder were my absolute favorite at the time, you'd be partially wrong. If a band was my favorite, I would normally keep such clippings in a scrapbook type binder that my brother and I kept. As such, almost any band could have made it into one of my designer binder covers, but there were certainly bands I was rather into at the time. As you can see, this one features an all-star line-up. Cannibal Cropse, Gwar, Entombed, Benediction (!), and Nuclear Assault. Upon finding this binder in an old box of crap I keep around, I asked myself whether I'd willing to make such a folder for myself today. Before I asked the question, I knew the answer. No way in hell. Not only do I not know where to buy Contact paper anymore, I also don't want to be seen carrying such a thing around. Again, a sign of the times. Back in the day, this thing was my most prized possession. Today, it's merely a digital picture for me to scoff at. Contrary to how this may all sound to you, I'm rather comfortable with my age and how life has turned out. Very comfortable actually. Having said that, it's still odd to look back into the rearview mirror from time to time...and see a young kid with a mullet, a King Diamond shirt and a homemade three-ring binder waving back at me.

Chris Barnes: Stage Banter All-Star

Rare shot of Chris Barnes having a panic attack, after realizing that he doesn't make enough money to make the payments on his 1993 Toyota Tercel.

There was a time when Chris Barnes was taken half-seriously by some. That was before he started wearing JNCO jeans and track jackets. When you listen to his stage banter abilities (from his Cannibal Corpse days) you realize that the man was in fact a genius. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Generic death metal: the ultimate cure for insomnia

I'm a workaholic, and I've invested a lot in my job emotionally. It can be really rewarding, but sometimes I can't sleep at night. I stay up tossing and turning for hours, worrying about things I have to do the next day or whatever. That's when I turn to bad death metal, my most trusted sleep aid.

30 seconds of Benediction and this could be you!

There really isn't anything that puts me to sleep faster than crappy death metal full of dull tremolo riffs, triggered typewriter drums, generic growling vocals, and of course a Dan Seagrave painting on the cover. Jungle Rot and Deeds of Flesh are like lullabyes to me, slowly putting me to sleep like a mother's tender touch or the gentle rocking of a cradle. The repetitive, bland riffing of bands like Vital Remains, Incantation, General Surgery, or pretty much anything else from the vaults of Century Media, JL America, or Wild Rags soothes me like sipping a glass of warm milk by a crackling fire in an overstuffed recliner, carrying me off to the land of nod on gossamer wings. The mere mention of, say, Insatanity or Desultory makes my eyelids feel like they're made of lead.

Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my afternoon nap. Where's my Agathocles discography?

Wanderlust: Metal Edition (Nepal)

Ever wanted to know what people do in Nepal?

Apparently it is throwing the horns, swearing in English, speaking in Nepalese, drinking in your bedroom and doing some sweet, sweet Cannibal Corpse karaoke. Except, I can't decide if it is TRUE karaoke since the vocals can be heard on the track. I am actually surprised because I thought I saw Stripped, Raped and Strangled on the karaoke list at Shooters Pub last weekend. And, to be honest, the more I watch this, the more I think the kid is lip-synching.

LAME.

I would also like to add that I am utterly disappointed because they just have a generic winamp skin. I would have thought they would use the official corpse one. It really pains me and I wish they would consider taking advantage of some of those utilities for winamp and create something special and truly their own.

Tampa hits the big screen!

I as a young child
hearing that this existed.
my life has meaning

Cannibal Corpse: Death metal meets Down's Syndrome

The mind of Chris Barnes must be amazing for its childlike simplicity. Cannibal Corpse was always kind of amazing for being completely retarded, but Six Feet Under takes that retardedness to a whole new level. This video reminds me of something a digital design sophomore would do for his final project- only the year is 1990, and he's just learning how to use Video Toaster, and his main inspiration is Monty Python and his wizard-shaped bong.




But Chris Barnes isn't the only retard to sing for Cannibal Corpse. Corpsegrinder is also subhumanly stupid... but you knew that, because he nicknamed himself "Corpsegrinder." Just look at him, he looks like a mildly retarded teenager that you would see drooling over the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue in the aisles of Barnes & Noble while his keeper tugs on his leash to restrain him from masturbating on the spot. You have probably already seen this video, but if not, please watch it immediately. I promise it's worth it.

Cannibal Corpse + Guitar Hero

Perhaps everyone has seen this already, but this is a video of a guy who hacked/programmed (not sure what word to use) his PS3/Guitar Hero 2 to play Cannibal Corpse's "Shredded Humans." I think the song is mislabeled on screen by the game, because he used a slot for an existing song within the game. Makes me wonder what happens if you stop playing the controller, or hit the wrong note. Does all the music go silent? I mean, I'm sure he didn't get the master tapes from Cannibal Corpse so he could isolate the guitar tracks. Nahmean?