Thursday, April 10, 2008

Metallica. The Band. The Muse.

As a musical act, Metallica's influence on the world of metal is undeniable. Just look around, and you'll see lots of terrible bands with sub-par Danish drummers, and bass players who play slap bass while crab-walking. Similarly, Metallica has become the art world's favorite muse. Just look at the fine pieces below, and you'll see why the artworld has seen a radical switch away from landscapes and still lives, and into portraits. Enjoy.

"Thinking It Over"
Depiction of James and Lars looking out towards the bay bridge, wondering what type of horrible snare sound they can use in the next album to make it suck worse. Never mind the fact that the artist got tired after drawing James and drew Lars as a mere ghost. This was on purpose. It's an homage to Lars and how he slows down dramatically and is unable to play Whiplash at even half-time.

"No, I'll Erase You"
There's some double entendre here. First, the title refers to that moment in Some Kind Of Monster when Lars' dad, after being asked to review some new songs, says "I think you should delete that". Deep inside, Lars knows his dad wishes he could have erased him when he was a baby. The title also references the erasing technique used to give the jacket's lapel its highlights. This artistic trick is a favorite amongst tenth graders.

"Oooooooh...Yeaaaaah! Womaaaahhhhn!"
This fine drawing depicts James at around the time that he began to look like the cowardly lion in the Wizard Of Oz. It speaks about his reservations and fears in life. His biggest fear? Angering tubby knob-twiddler Bob Rock, who has become a father figure in his life. Think about it, in the movie A Year And A Half In The Life Of Metallica, James actually takes his suggestion and does the stupid "ooooh...woman!" thing in the vocal booth. I bet Flemming Rasmussen never made him do that. Anyway, Remember how he started wearing a little wolf head on a necklace around that time? And what about the frets in his guitar that showed a wolf evolving to a man. Just thinking of it makes me feel embarrassed.

"No Life Till Leather"
It's not often that the worlds of art and fashion meet. When they do meet, they breed and they have this jacket as a child...and the whole world suffers. Is the person on the top right supposed to be a Cliff/Jason hybrid?

"None More Black"
Homage to the Black Album and its minimalist artwork. Simple, but Kirk's wig.

"This Is My Robot Voice"
A ficticious depiction of what would happen if Kirk were ever actually allowed to speak at any Metallica event. What would happen, it turns out, is that he'd put the mic up to his throat and do his best robot voice...and tell stories about his tiny bicycle skid mustache in the early 90s, as well as his wig collection. Come to think of it, that would probably be better than James' awful banter.

"Jump Out Of The Fire"
Barely recognizable as the boys from the Bay Area, this mural depicts the dynamic duo. The flames represent the ghost that haunts them...the memory of Cliff Burton, who they killed in Sweden and claimed was an accident. The reason for killing him? Two words: Bell Bottoms.


  1. What, Bob Rock doesn't deserve a tag?

  2. please tell me that the bango shot is a photoshop jobber

  3. you know what's awesome? the jpg of the first drawing is pretty big, so i printed it out and it now graces the cork board in my office, thank you lucho!!

    "Oooooooh...Yeaaaaah! Womaaaahhhhn!" is a pretty damn good drawing. too bad the subject matter is as lame as a bulldog puppy.

    and lastly, that drawing of kirk looks like and gelfling (from the dark crystal) with a curly-hair wig. look it up, i'm serious!

  4. Can't stand Lars U...even if it's just a drawing.

  5. sadly, it is a photoshop. perhaps bob rock deserves a tag. i'm not sure. its all about flemming though.

  6. 1. A "Bob Rock" tag would be awesome.

    2. You need to find some stippling artwork, so then you can use a "Stippling" tag as well.

    3. The "Womaaaahhhhn!" thing fuckin' killed me. That was the greatest moment in those old "Year-and-a-Half..." videos by far.

  7. What is that thing from pic #6 supposed to be? Some kind of fancy paperweight, a roofing tile, top side view of a metallica themed coffee table? Can't tell, there's no sense of scale.

  8. Oh, god. Metallica have become so awful over the past two decades.

  9. ugh, i hate metallica. they are such an awful band and always have been.

    one thing i'm wondering about is where hetfield gets the redneck/southern thing from... he's from Downey, CA! it's on Los Angeles county!

    re: bob rock- that's fine, just make sure it's clear we're not talking about BOBBY rock from nitro.

    re: stippling- GREAT idea!! stippling is second only to the erasing technique with high school artists.

  10. I'm constantly amazed at the amount of disappointment and derision those boys engender 20 years after the fact. When I heard The Mighty Mighty Bosstones' cover of 'Enter Sandman' months before the Album came out, I fully accepted it was the end.

    But I moved on and allowed myself to be disappointed by a host of other great bands in the ensuing years.

    Let it go, gang.

  11. "What is that thing from pic #6 supposed to be? Some kind of fancy paperweight, a roofing tile, top side view of a metallica themed coffee table? "

    It's art, dude. Don't question it, just enjoy it.

  12. Metallica's high point was the "No Life 'Til Leather" cassette demo, everything they've done since then is just commercial sell-out bullshit. McGovney & Mustaine made the band.

  13. i think the best metallica songs are Helpless, Green Hell, The Prince, the wait and crash course in brain surgery. oh wait. they didnt write any of those songs.

  14. i've still got a soft spot for pre bob rock mctallica, but it wanes more and more over time...

  15. Anonymous Rating for this Post:

    **** (4 stars)

  16. Serious question-who or what the fuck is a Bob Rock?

  17. bob rock is the man who ruined metallica (or helped, since the members certaily did their part). he's the producer of every album after and justice for all, and played bass in the last album. he's mostly known for producing other cheese albums for Motley Crue and Bon Jovi. As he ages he has now started to look like a woman, and has a huge fat belly. he's an absolute douche.

  18. "This fine drawing depicts James at around the time that he began to look like the cowardly lion in the Wizard Of Oz"

    more comedic brilliance! why i had never notice this resemblance before??!