Free International Travel, Courtesy of Metal Inquisition (Part 2)

In Part 1 of this post, we mentioned how transatlantic travel is unnecessary when you can simply look at a country's record covers to fully understand their culture. This may sound small-minded, but I find it to be both true and economical. I should also tell you that this applies to travel within your very own country. For example, some may say that the covers of NWA's albums were exaggerated depictions of a reality that only a few LA residents ever experienced. I would normally agree with you, but allow me to tell you a little story.



The first time I was ever in Los Angeles, I landed at LAX exhausted. I don't mean just tired, I mean exhausted the way Lars Ulrich looks in those slow-motion shots from the Wherever I May Roam video. Upon arriving to Los Angeles, I boarded the nearest Avis car rental shuttle and made my way into their makeshift office. Once there, I quickly claimed the keys to my meh-worthy mid-sized sedan...which featured both AM and FM radio. As I drove out of the parking lot, I looked around and felt happy about the fact that I was finally going to see Los Angeles. I had been to San Francisco twice before, but never southern California. For a latino such as myself, who grew up drooling over the imagery in films such as American Me and Blood In Blood Out, Los Angeles (silly as it may sound) was/is a bit of a cultural mecca. I had lived in Miami, but Los Angeles is the real deal...a center of all that is latino scum culture. As I drove, the sun was setting, and even the not-so-great area around LAX looked beautiful to my tourist eyes. The birds were chirping, and the smog was barely visible...things were good. Los Angeles, I told myself, was my kind of town. Just as I thought about this, I made a right turn and encountered what looked like a photoshoot for an NWA record cover. Two cop cars sat by an abandoned body shop, as the LAPD law officers put handcuffs on about ten latino dudes, who sat on the curb. All the guys were wearing white wife-beater shirts, cut-off khaki shorts and had their long white socks pulled up. Either these were Travis Barker's fashion advisors, or they were the real deal.

By the way, check out this picture of Travis Barker (in which he barely looks like a latino gangbanger) with The Game. Note Travis' shirt, does the logo look familiar?



As I got closer, their heavily inked bodies revealed what I thought...these were some badass dudes, not just props from a hip-hop video, or a Travis Barker GQ photoshoot. As I drove slowly, one of the young men being handcuffed turned around and said something to the cop. Without skipping a beat, the cop beat him on the side of the neck with a club. The young man collapsed on the curb, I winced...and quickly accelerated my Chevy Malibu. Leave it to me to turn away when a fellow latino is being beaten by the po-po. For all the talk about unity amongst my latino brothers that I've done during my lifetime, my foot hit that damn gas pedal faster than members from Assuck go to whores upon their arrival to Amsterdam while on tour. But what was I to do? Why were these guys being arrested? What did he say to the cop? I'd rather not get involved. As I drove away, and got on the highway (they call them "freeways" in California...see...when you travel EVERYTHING is different) I began to think about the whole ordeal I had just seen. As I drove at speeds seldom exceeding 25 mph on the freeway, I thought to myself: The NWA record covers were actually pretty accurate. They did deptict LA as it really was. I could have saved myself the trip to California, and simply looked at the covers of the records while sitting at home.

It's with that spirit in mind that we offer you the following record covers from Russian bands. Why go through the trouble of booking a flight to Moscow? No need. Metal Inquisition is taking you there free of charge. Have a safe trip.





Before the iron curtain fell, doing business with western artists like Dan Seagrave was pretty much impossible for those in the growing Russian death metal scene. Not able to reach and commission the master of depicting fictitious, lava strewn caves...these industrious Russian bands had to make do with what they had. Much like cab drivers in Cuba have retrofitted their 1952 Chevys to run on kerosene, this band simply contacted their cousin in Poland who had just finished his first semester in art school. The letter in which they told him what to paint said the following:

Cousin, please paint for us the following:
A dark scary cave in which five creatures dwell. A purple lizard woman, a purple devil with a taste for gold Rolex watches, a melty lava man, a bat, and a skull/tarantula. Although this makes little sense, please render it as we have requested. Oh yes, and somehow inside the cave a weather system has developed, and as a result there is lighting. Thank you for painting this magical cover for us. By the way cousin, how are you and the family doing? Will the 20 year wait on your Lada be over soon?

One part Suicidal Tendencies, and one part Devo, these Russian masters were the first hardcore band to proclaim their love for skateboarding, which they called "wooden roller plank". This 12" record is actually a split between the first two bands in the Moscow hardcore scene, Pulse and Stylus (or something). Although many detractors referred to these musical pioneers as "infidels" for taking up such American pursuits as "wooden roller plank", Russia's entire hardcore scene should thank these guys for forging on regardless of what their comrades had to say.






I hate to be one of those "I only like their demo" douchebags...but this is where both Pulse and Stylus began to go downhill. Due to a limited supply of skateboard wheels, band members began making their own out of sawed-down broomsticks. Soon, they grew tired of the hardship they endured and took to other sports. Not able to engage in any sports that members of bands like Suicidal Tendencies or Cryptic Slaughter may have been involved in, they turned to the only sport that was available at their local Communist Party youth hall. Sadly, that sport was racketball. In an attempt to make the sport more "extreme", both bands chose to blend aspects of brakedancing into it...the results were both amazing and tragic. Although both bands managed to get Charlie Sheen to pose for the album's cover, the scene they had created began to disintegrate...as many fans grew tired of hearing lyrics about racketball. The model that has worked so well for their obsession with skateboarding, failed terribly with other sports. Perhaps the best example of that would have to be their third and final recording, which completely revolved around jai alai, a sport they saw in an episode of Riptide.

BrokeNCYDE are hella mass chill bros

I know Metal Inquisition readers quiver with rage when I post about things that happened after 1993, especially if they involve neon merch, but bear with me. This post isn't my usual trolling, it is more along the lines of Anthony Bourdin's travel writing. It's life-affirming like Milo and Otis, eye-opening like Hotel Rwanda, and as full of lulz as a good day on 4chan. Even our most angry, bitter, jaded and elderly readers know that the winds of change are blowing- nay, gusting- bringing with them sweeping changes to the musical and cultural landscape. There is perhaps no better showcase for this phenomenon than Warped Tour, which I attended last week with my partner in crime Jon.

Sergeant D and Mikl from Brokencyde

Getting crunk... or not?!
Our assignment was to interview crunkcore trailblazers Brokencyde (AKA BC13), which we were both pretty excited about since we are huge fans. I didn't know what to expect from them, but I had some ideas. I have a pretty good idea where they're at from their songs, videos, and other artifacts, so I was expecting them to be bouncing off the walls, screaming "Get crunk!!" in my face and dumping 40s on my head while they tore the panties off of any female passersby.

The truth is that Brokencyde are painfully nice dudes. To borrow from Nitro, they are basically the complete opposite of out fuckin' rageous. Honestly Mikl was one of the most mellow people I have met in a long, long time, which was much more of a mindfuck than if he was the larger-than-life persona I had imagined. His personal brand is complex and multi-faceted, as multi-dimensional as Nike or Honda's versatile and long-lived brands who are beloved by consumers from a seemingly endless array of backgrounds.

BC13's newest single, "Booty Call," featuring an appearance from E-40. Not as good as "Freaxxx" if you ask me, but def worth watching for the scene hotties if nothing else.

Apparently a lot of butthurt old people who hate fun have been setting up interviews with the band only to use it as an opportunity to mock or fuck with the band. I wanted to make sure that Mikl knew we were going to be bros, so I shook his hand, introduced myself and told him that I was a) pretty drunk and b) a huge fan of the band.

The first thing I noticed that he is a tiny little man- possibly even smaller than the diminutive Lucho Metales, if such a thing is possible. Lucho's wife is a good 6 inches taller than him I would say, which must be tough because there is nothing he can do about it. If you apply yourself, nearly anything is possible... except for being taller. We can put a man on the moon, but Lucho's wife will always be taller than him. Mikl is in the same boat: I am far from the biggest guy on earth (I wear XS shirts at American Eagle for Christ's sake) and as you can see I dwarfed him.

This is Mikl and his girlfriend in the video for "Booty Call." If you have any questions about how emasculating it is to be dramatically shorter than your girlfriend/wife, please get in touch with him or Lucho.

Back then they didn't want me
In any case, I began with the obvious. Clearly, this band is hated on an epic level that is arguably unmatched since Earth Crisis. I wanted to make sure Mikl knew that I was on his side, so I offered a suggestion that, in the words of one of our commenters, haters "hate because BC13 are out partying while you're fapping in your mom's basement." I was hoping he would have some choice words for them. Maybe he would quote "How Ya Like Me Now" by Kool Moe Dee, I don't know. Instead, he just shrugged and said, "If people hate us, that's their thing, we don't care. We do this for people who wanna have fun. Our music used to be about missing your girlfriend and typical shit like that, but now it's about having fun and enjoying life." Wat.

Having fun and enjoying life?! It was way too posi for me to handle. Also, it was very clear that this wasn't a pose or coached response from their management, he obviously meant it. My head was spinning. So far, Brokencyde made MXPX look like serial killers by comparison.

Last time I checked, suburban white kids didn't call each other "carnal" and "loc"

Hispanics causing panic
One of the common narratives about Brokencyde is that they are rich, spoiled white pussies who make their music in the comfort of their parents' cul-de-sac homes, screaming about drinking 40s and dropping panties against a backdrop of medium-pile beige carpet in their fathers' home office. "No dude, not at all! We're Hispanic, we've lived hard lives without food, lights, we've never had it easy. People have that misconception. They don't really say it to our face very often, but when they do they're always surprised because one of us is like 'Fuck you, don't come at me like that," Mikl explained emphatically.

On the left is BC13's "Booty Call," on the right is Suicidal Tendencies "Institutionalized." Separated at birth? You be the judge.

"It is hard to digest that BC13 have more in common with, say, Beowulf or Excruciating Terror than they do Metro Station or even Blink-182"

This is why my favorite thing to play people is the skit above from their new album. It is a lot harder for people to dismiss BC13 when they are confronted with clear evidence that you aren't dealing with spoiled suburban brats, but super chill Mexican stoners from Albuquerque (if you have been to ABQ, you know there is no shortage of people who fit that description there).

Attack Attack shirt, it reads "I'm a spoiled white pussy"

It is very obvious that the actual spoiled white pussies in, say, Attack Attack or Devil Wears Prada are not only incapable of writing a skit like that, but also that it's 99% likely they don't even understand what is happening in it. It is hard to digest that BC13 have more in common with, say, Beowulf or Excruciating Terror than they do Metro Station or even Blink-182, but it's absolutely accurate.

I definitely moshed my fucking balls off to BC13. I think Mikl was stoked when he saw me stagediving and singing along to "Schitzo." I'm going to say that they probably haven't been interviewed by too many people who headwalked and fingerpointed to their set afterwards.

It was clearly important to Mikl to communicate the message that Brokencyde are nice Mexican boys whose abuelas raised them properly. He continued: "Once people get to know us, they'll see that we're really chill dudes and respectful. It's just how we were raised: if you wanna be treated nice, you treat other people nice. We've never talked bad about any band because they're artists and humans and we respect them." I halfway expected him to share his tio's recipe for carne asada next, or maybe show me pictures of his lowrider minivan with La Virgen de Guadalupe airbrushed on the hood.

In this video you will see that Brokencyde are the super-friendly dudes that you ran into at parties in high school who would always high five you, say what's up, and smoke you out even if they didn't really remember your name because they were constantly fucked up and have no short-term memory.

After hearing that BC13's mission was to "keep kicking ass and making people happy" and that they respect their haters as "artists and human beings," my mind was thoroughly blown. I am a good judge of character and an outstanding manipulator/social engineer, so if I detected that Mikl's "hella mass chill bro" personal brand was phony, I am confident I could have coaxed him into saying something negative (like how I got Winds of Plague to discuss wiggers with me for half an hour). But he was having none of it, he clearly meant every word of it. I was reeling; it was like I had just discovered a dossier of classified documents revealing that the Anal Cunt song "I Respect Your Feelings As A Woman And A Human Being" was sincere.

"Yellow Bus" is probably the sleaziest BC13 song, which is saying quite a bit. Also, it includes the Borat-like line "Let's sex tonight."

They take their panties off, then they pull their pants down
Much like the Onion's "You're A God Among Bros, Bro" piece, I felt like I had to give Mikl from dap for giving Jon and me the soundtrack to so many good times. We've definitely spent many nights getting fucked up and chatting up girls with Brokencyde providing the jams. Mikl seemed to appreciate it. "Yeah that's what it's for, man!" he responded enthusiastically. "It helps out with the fellas, too. Girls love it. You jam some Brokencyde with your girl, then next thing you know you're having sex to a Brokencyde song."

Kyle from Forever The Sickest Kids clutches an invisible orange

As readers of this blog know, I am a big fan of pretty girls and have serious wizard-level game. I know that makes some people think I'm a huge creep, but I didn't think much of it until recently. In fact, it wasn't until I got a real wake up call from Mikl: I mentioned that I loved Taylor Swift. He chuckled, rolled his eyes and said, "I bet you do, bro!" I have to admit, that one stung a little. You know it's bad when the dude from fucking Brokencyde thinks you're a creep!

The enchanting Dani and Alison from Millionaires with me. Wilford Brimley watches in the background.

Pretzels & Millionaires
After talking with Mikl, I needed some fresh air to digest all the thoughts that were swirling around in my head. I went to the main stage to watch Forever the Sickest Kids, my favorite band, and who did I run into but two of the ladies from Millionaires. Much like Brokencyde, they were disarmingly sweet girls, but since I was drunk I decided they should know I was disappointed with their footwear. I'm a big fan, so I watched their set earlier and had a great time- but what the fuck is up with their shoes?

Keds? Really? And what's up with Dani's haggard boots? Pete Wentz is too cheap to spring for a new pair of knockoff Doc Martens at Payless?

On the way back I ran into this 19 year-old kid who was telling me about his political grindcore band while he was in line to get some food. I told him he should stop playing boring music for beardos and start a crunkcore band, but he wasn't really feeling that idea. "Do what you want, bro, you don't have to listen," I counseled him, "but let's take a step back: I was just hanging out with Millionaires, and you're waiting in line to pay $7 for a fucking pretzel." I think I got through to him, because he laughed and said "Shit dude... I guess you do have a point."

In keeping with my motto of "life as absurdist performance art," I got BC13's Phat J to sign my stomach. To add another layer of two of lulz, that belt buckle says "OFR" and the tattoo you can see a bit of says "Forever Blue," my favorite Chris Isaak album (those of you who are my Facebook friends can see it on there).

Closing thoughts
Honestly, Mikl was maybe tied with Frank Mullen for being the nicest dude I've interviewed. I think the reason why people get so upset about BC13 is because they think/expect them to follow the rules of punk. But they aren't punk at all. As Mikl said, "We're not punk at all, except that we don't give a fuck, which is kinda punk-ish I guess." He had never heard of DRI, Corrosion of Conformity, or Minor Threat. I mention that not as a criticism, but just as an illustration of the fact that they make a lot more sense when you think of them not as punk dudes doing commercial rap, but as hip hop stoner dudes that scream in their songs a little bit. Nobody expects Lil Jon to write songs about anything other than getting wasted and hanging out with hot chicks. No one gets mad that all of Lady Gaga's songs are about being fucked up in the club and getting laid, why should Brokencyde be treated any differently?

ONE! TWO! We’re coming for you.
THREE! FOUR! Lock your door.
FIVE! SIX! Suck on my dick.
BROKENCYDE WILL NEVER DIE!

Retroview: Suicidal Tendencies discography (or at least most of it)

Suicidal Tendencies was my entry into the world of punk, hardcore, and metal back in 1989. They've had their ups and downs, to say the least, but I figured it was high time for a retroview of their discography. This is going to be long, but bear with me!! (that's what she said). PS don't forget to join our group on Last.fm!!

Self-Titled (1983)
Obviously this is pretty much the best record ever released and if you don't worship it, you should probably blow your brains out immediately to salvage what's left of your honor. This record is pretty much why I like all the stuff I like now: hardcore, graffiti, metal, fighting, and the West Coast. Where do I ever start?!

First of all, I'm not sure why they decided to cover up those dope shirts with that dumb photo of them hanging from the jungle gym, but whatever. I can't count the hours I spent studying all the shirts on the cover, copying them or trying to make up my own designs. They still look fucking cool. My favorite is the "Suicidal Cycos" one on the middle right. I actually have that goat head/pentagram tattooed on my forearm. When I was 11 or 12 years old, I definitely pulled my socks up high when I wore shorts, buttoned my flannels up to the very top, and otherwise tried to imitate them as much as possible. I used to be kind of embarrassed about it, but fuck that! I was cool! Being an 11 year old kid that jocked Suicidal is way cooler than being into MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice or whatever was popular at the time.



Anyhow, as far as the record goes, needless to say, every fucking song on here is a classic! If I had to pick just one as my favorite, I guess it would be the first song, "Suicide's An Alternative," because I still listen to it when I'm confused and angry at the world and want to break shit and/or kill people. As someone on their Youtube comments said, "Best 'fuck the world and myself included' lyrics of all time." It's pretty clear that 16 spent plenty of time jamming Suicidal when they were kids, too. I also love the breakdown in that song where he's going on about making a deal with Satan or whatever. I still don't really get what that's all about, but it's fucking cool and that's an awesome riff.

I shot Reagan! I shot the pope!

All the other songs on this record are classics, too, and I could literally write page after page about each one, but I won't. I also really liked how they weren't afraid to have ass-ripping metal solos in the mix. I mean, "Institutionalized" is like one big fucking solo. I'm 30 years old, and listening to this right now at my desk makes me want to drink a 40, write on other people's shit, and punch a fuckin' cop in the face!

Sick of people - no ones real
Sick of chicks - they're all bitches
Sick of you - you're too hip
Sick of life - it sucks

Suicide's an alternative

Sick of trying - what's the point
Sick of talking - no one listens
Sick of listening - it's all lies
Sick of thinking - just end up confused
Sick of moving - never get no where
Sick of myself - don't wanna live
Sick and tired - and no one cares
Sick of life - it sucks

Sick of politics - for the rich
Sick of power - only oppresses
Sick of government - full of tyrants
Sick of school - total brainwash
Sick of music - top 40 sucks
Sick of myself - don't wanna live
Sick and tired - and no one cares
Sick of life - it sucks

Suicide's an alternative

Sick of life - it sucks
Sick and tired - and no one cares
Sick of myself - don't wanna live
Sick of living - I'm gonna die

Join The Army (1987)
The most obvious thing to say about this record, of course, is that this album is when Suicidal stopped being a hardcore band and started being a metal band. And let me tell you, this record is metal as fuck!! They came down with a serious case of chopaholism, lots of choppity-choppity-chop riffing going on here in songs like "Looking In Your Eyes." There's also lots of monster slam riffs, like the one at the beginning of "Suicidal Maniac." By the way, that reminds me of something we left off the thrash metal checklist: a song about some kind of killer thrash metal warrior-mascot and how awesome it/he is (see also Megadeth "Psychotron").

I think of this record as their "Breeding The Spawn": a potential classic hampered by awful, muddy production. There are some really great songs on here like "Cyco," "Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right," and of course "Possessed to Skate," but the terrible production makes it hard to listen to them.



I love the video for "Possessed to Skate" for so many reasons! Again, I could seriously make a whole post just about this video because nearly every frame is priceless, but I'll just include a brief version here for the sake of completeness.

Why is he using such an enormous pen to do his calculus?!

Even at 12 years old, I knew it was funny that he used that skinny little microphone like Bob Barker on The Price Is Right.

This was the beginning of my 20-year love affair with graffiti, especially Southern California styles. Next stop, CBS, MSK, AWR, LTS and KOG!

It's not an 80s thrash video without a cabinet TV! See also Megadeth: "I wanna watch the news!!"

Shit, I don't even know what to say about them pulling the plug out to drain the pool... Amazing!! Mind = blown!

On another note, the cover of this record is highly disturbing! I am not sure what they were trying to communicate with that image of the crazy guy with a crazy face made of silly putty pointing at you?? He sort of reminds me of Solid Snake, and it's also pretty impressive how crisp his serratus are! This is also when they switched over to their metal logo, with a sweet airbrushed gradient in it to make it look like it was actually made of metal (as was the style at the time).

How Will I Laugh (1988)
Let's be honest, this record is pretty much total crap. I mean it's kind of fun to listen to with your nostalgia-tinted headphones on, but it's not exactly a classic. The only song I really like is "Surf & Slam," and even then it's only because it reminds me of the T&C Surf video game for NES. I was pretty shocked when the singer of that hardcore band Inhuman told me this was his favorite Suicidal record. Also, the video for "Trip At The Brain" is pretty funny! I should post about that one too, there are some great moments. Here's a pretty cool death metal cover of it.

Needless to say, I thought this was the coolest fucking house ever and when I was 13, I wanted to live there more than anything I have ever wanted!!

But man, I love the cover of this record so much!! Mike Muir just came from a car club meeting with those ridiculous pants and wifebeater, Bob Heathcote looks like he should be running a drill press at some metal shop, and Rocky George begins the proud tradition of the Pirates hat. Then there is the guy in the brown shirt who actually looks pretty cool except that, thanks to Municipal Waste or whatever, you'd think he's some kind of jerky "thrash revival" kid.

Controlled By Hatred (1989)
Fuck yes!! This is my second-favorite Suicidal record, I love it a lot! As many of you probably know, a bunch of these songs are re-recorded versions of No Mercy songs, which are way better than the originals because the production on the No Mercy LP makes "Breeding The Spawn" sound like an audiophile's wet dream. These songs have a cool thrashy, punk vibe that takes you back to the early days of Suicidal, only with crisp metal production- kind of like that Slayer covers record (which I think is also really good despite not being a big Slayer fan).



The best track on here is "Master of No Mercy," which I have always thought was their most underrated song (technically it is No Mercy song, I guess). If you can make it through the chorus without aggressively headbanging at your co-workers or roommates, you're a stronger man than I am. I just got up yelled, "He's the arsenic in your Kool-Aid, he's the bomb in your mail!!" at the girl whose desk is across from mine! Seriously, what an awesome thrash song! I don't know who or what the Master of No Mercy is, but I am sure he's bad as fuck!

This is from the Excel MySpace, but might as well have been one of my 8th grade binder covers

I remember seeing some piece (graffiti) years ago that had "Master of No Mercy" written next to it and I was pretty stoked, like "Yeah, that dude knows what's up!" I think it was Orfn, but it might have been Fate or something, I don't remember. In any case, I love this song and this whole album a lot! I could probably do without the "Heavy Emotion Version" of "How Will I Laugh Tomorrow," but nothing is perfect so whatever.

The guy on the left is an American Apparel model we photoshopped in

The cover is also awesome. I've drawn that ST probably hundreds of times, and I definitely spent lots of time trying to copy the sick cholo writing on the lyric sheet. Fast forward to 2009 and I'm 30 years old, still doodling cholo-inspired graffiti on every piece of paper I come near (ask everybody I work with). Like I said, Suicidal is basically how I got into everything I've been into for my adult life. Having just typed that, I feel a little silly about being so captivated by a band, especially one who went on to be as abominable as Suicidal, but what can you do??


Lights Camera Revolution (1990)
Perhaps it's my nostalgia goggles at work, but I'd like to think this record isn't complete shit. I mean it's definitely not great, but it has its moments for sure. "Send Me Your Money" is the prerequisite attack on corruption with organized religion. "Alone" is a touching, heartfelt song about Cyco Miko feeling lonely. I'd like to think that the 19 year-old Mike from the first album would have shanked Cyco Miko for being a sensitive pussy, but who knows? Without access to the Nocturnus time machine, we can never be sure.



"You Can't Bring Me Down" is, of course, the highlight of the record. I mean, it's the origin of the "Charles Manson eating Froot Loops on your front porch" tag, which is right up there with "Things I would destroy if I had access to the Nocturnus time machine." The video is pretty sweet, but I'm getting sleepy so I might have to save the frame-by-frame analysis for another post.

Apparently this is the current Suicidal lineup?? I have no fucking clue who any of these people are other than Mike Muir. He could at least bring Brooks Wackerman back.

All their other shit (1990-present)
Because I like Suicidal so much, I'm just going to pretend none of this exists. If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything, right? I did kind of like that song "Psycho Vision" or whatever that they had in one of the earlier Tony Hawk Pro Skater games I played a lot (THPS2 for Dreamcast is the best IMO).

Without Suicidal, we would never have been blessed with Despise You. And a world without Despise You is one that I don't want to live in!!