God Bless The Internet

"I pledge allegiance to my gut, and my big pants, and my wallet chain, and my sweet flaming shoes"

As I've stated before, the thing that makes metal and metal fans so amazing, is their/our general lack of self-awareness. Though I certainly see the humor in my wearing what basically equated to a Pungent Stench dress in 1992 (damn Blue Grape Merchandise, and their oversized shirts), I really didn't then. It's with this in mind that I bring you the coolest, most metal guy on the internet. Ever. If you ever wondered whatever happened to that sweaty, shirtless guy who kept bumping into you at the Testament show back in '91, here's your answer.

Note:
Whenever I do posts like this, in which I merely share images or video I find to be funny with our readers, I get blamed of providing content with no substance...but I ask you: For a blog whose bread and butter is posts about Forced Entry, Blue Grape and Dannys Spitz' watchmaking business...what do you expect? The great American novel?

Uh...uhhm...oh, damn. Where do I even start? Jesus, maybe I'll just point out the not-so-obvious, nice booties..and nice stuffed Garfield on your right hand.




This shirt has made the entire world collectively depressed. As a result, NASA will now use satellites to make Prozac rain down upon us. Thanks you douche, all this just because you wanted to bang the chubby goth broad with the spider tattoo . I hope you're happy.



As all cool metal guys, this guy also has great Photoshop skillz...and he puts them to use in order to pose in front of Sarah Palin? I'm so confused. Also, judging by his jewelery, he must sell his wares to Chuck Billy.

"Yeah, turn on the fan so that my hair will photograph well. Wait, can you see the NASA patch in the picture? Make sure the NASA patch comes out."

Striborg for PA State Auditor

Since it's election day here in the US, we thought it was an appropriate time to mention the campaign to elect Striborg for Pennsylvania State Auditor General. Making fun of black metal is generally played out (as others have pointed out in our comments, it's kind of like making Bush jokes- it's just too easy), but there are some details that make this funny.

"Striborg for President" would have been too easy and obvious, but State Auditor General is inherently funny because very few people know what that position is. I also like the description of the candidate: "Lyrics reveal a fascination with forests, night, darkness, misanthropy and death." That said, It would have been more clever to choose a more subtle candidate than Striborg. For example, Paul Ledney, Billy Milano, Evan Seinfeld, or Rex (from Pantera).

I know that election season is over, but I would like to see some other campaigns along these lines:

• Shifty Shellshock for Los Angeles City Administrative Officer
  
• Vinnie Paul for Denton County Commissioner
• Tommy Victor for Bergan County Surrogate
  

And so forth

Glen Benton: The Legacy Continues

Glen Benton is one of our favorite subjects here at Metal Inquisition because his stupidity knows no bounds. He's been making an ass of himself for the past twenty years and he simply refuses to go away. If someone asked me to describe Glen Benton in one word that word would be "persistent."

I, like most other sensible death metal fans, was shocked when Deicide delivered 2006's stunning "The Stench of Redemption." It was possibly the greatest comeback in the history of death metal because no one saw it coming. By that point everyone had written Deicide off as a joke, and with good reason. Have you ever tried to listen to "Serpents of the Light?" How about "Insineratehymn?" My point exactly. They'd been pissing on their legacy for over a decade when out of nowhere Benton and Asheim, (sans the brothers Hoffman) along with ex-Cannibal Corpse guitarist Jack Owen and ex-Iced Earth guitarist Ralph Santolla, made the metal world once again take notice.

Which brings me to the forthcoming release of Deicide's new album "Till Death Do Us Part." If the new song up on their MySpace page is any indication, Benton and co. might actually deliver again. Never in a million years did I imagine I would be discussing the prospect of Deicide releasing a good album in 2008. Just look at that cover art! It's like the cover of Pungent Stench's "Been Caught Buttering" reimagined by Fernando Botero. And that sweet bonus patch! I'm glad that Glen Benton has decided to throw his hat into the presidential ring. Hey, if Ron Paul can do it why can't he? So this year for the first time in our nation's history we could be seeing not only a woman or a black man running for president, but also a satanist! It's all about mobilizing the people at a grassroots level, so I hope that all of you, my metal brothers and sisters, will do your part and proudly display your "Glen Benton for President" patches on your denim vests. Let your voice be heard!