Listening to Metallica: Straight out TORTURE

Last week James Hetfield, the skater teen, turned middle-aged redneck, made some statements about "Enter Sandman" being used to torture prisoners in Guantamo Bay. He said "Part of me is proud is because they chose Metallica". Uhm... James, what the military is basically telling you is that your music is SO BAD, playing it to prisoners being tortured is a good idea. Do you get it? Listening to Metallica is torture! "Enter Sandman" is such a bad song that prisoners would rather be water boarded than put up with 5 more seconds of that shit. I guess this guy Mohammed al-Qahtani said that listening to the track while being tortured brought him to tears. No joke. This guy actually cried when he heard Metallica! Shit, I have never cried while listening to Enter Sandman, but I have cried during The Unforgiven. That song is fucking terrible. James "Jed Clampett" Hetfield went on to say that he thought maybe the torture technique worked, not because Metallica's music sucked, but because "It represents something that [terrorists] don't like — maybe freedom, aggression…" Hello?! Earth calling James! These people are accused of being terrorists, "aggression" is sorta part of the job!

Our favorite NRA member has not aged well.

In any case, I'm glad the US of A is still kicking terrorists' asses the best way they know how. (please add sarcastic tone to the last sentence.) The one thing I'd suggest to the brave soilders in Cuba doing all that torturing is that next time they should just use songs from St. Anger. Shit, if they had me tied down and threaten to play the whole CD, I'd confess to some shit. I'd make up stuff just to get them to push the stop button.

This is the James I'll remember forever.

Hmmm...come to think of it, St. Anger, Load and Re-load are probably on a list in the Geneva Protocol, forbidding countries from using them as torture. I wonder how long it's gonna take them to add Death Magnetic to the list. It's that bad, believe me.

Long gone are the days of bullet belts, cheap beer, Venom shirts, skateboards, awesome riffs, intelligence and common sense.

Well, James "Cowardly Lion" Hetfield finished his eloquent statement with: "We've got nothing to do with this and we're trying to be as apolitical as possible." I guess "Disposable Heroes", "And Justice for All" and the whole "Don't Tread on Me" thing is not very political? Metallica stopped being "political" around the same time they stopped being metal.

Lindsay Lohan is way into Maiden—James Hetfield is way into Armani

In this picture, Lindsay Lohan can be seen wearing a vintage Iron Maiden shirt, and making the unmistakable face of someone trying to get a pubic hair unstuck from their teeth.

As a result of the picture above, I know for a fact that I have grown just a bit as a person over the years. Why? Because I can remember a time (though only barely) when having seen such an image would have sent me spiraling down into a senseless rage for days, if not weeks. These days, I just feel happy for the stylist that got this cash-cow to pay $600 dollars for the shirt. Good for him.





Having said that, has the whole world gone mad? Things are so insanely upside down these days. Lindsay Lohan rocks a Maiden shirt, and (as reported earlier here at M.I.) James Hetfield and Robert Trujillo are shopping at Armani? Jesus, I stop paying attention to metal for only about a decade..and this is what happens? If Paris Hilton starts doing the Trujillo crab-walk, I'm calling the authorities.

Though hard to believe, this is not actually a picture of Paris Hitlon doing the Trujillo crab-walk. This is merely an artist's rendering. M.I. legal counsel has asked me to clear this up due to the unusually realistic quality of the image.

Anal Blast - Masters of Subtlety, R.I.P.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but earlier today I was informed that legendary white trash misogynist death/grinders Anal Blast will be embarking on their final tour in the coming week. I know, it hurts. I can barely hold back the tears as I type this, but the world of metal is sometimes capable of bringing us as much sadness as it brings us joy. What will the world be like without the twisted minds that brought us Vaginal Vempire and Battered Bleeding Bitch? Well, it'll probably stay much the same, but I'm sure at least a couple of people will be bummed out.

Apparently Anal Blast is embarking on their final tour because vocalist and mastermind Don "Lord Stomache" Decker is dying from liver failure. Sad news, indeed. We here at Metal Inquisition would like to send Don our best wishes. If we had an extra liver to give, I couldn't think of a more deserving person to give it to than Don. So be sure to show Don and the rest of the Anal Blast boys your support by going out and seeing them on this final tour. The dates are posted on their MySpace page. Check out this killer tour poster:



And don't forget to pick up their "Spraying Blood" live DVD that will only be available on their final tour!



You didn't really expect subtlety from a group of guys that look like this, did you?



I didn't think so.