King Diamond: King of YouTube

My heart got crushed a lot as a kid. First there was no Santa, no Easter Bunny and no Tooth Fairy. Then I discovered that, to my dismay, King Diamond wasn't really the scary monster I thought (and hoped) he was. Man, I used to be scared of him, no joke! We had a Metal Hammer poster on the wall of our room and I didn't look at it at night, 'cuz it used to creep me the fuck out. "Them" is a scary-ass record and the videos weren't really light either. OK, so the band members were pretty glammy-faggy and definitely not scary, but you know what I mean.
As I grew older the fantasy began to dwindle. We (Lucho Metales and I) have talked a lot on MI about various meetings with the Danish Dwarf and how he's as scary as a plate of under-cooked strawberry pancakes. Sadly, these days KD occupies a place in my life which he shares with Carlton Banks, pogs and Thrasher Magazine. You know, those things that make you smirk to yourself when you think about them. Sorry, Speegster, KD is a bit of a joke...



This one is pretty funny. Of course, I'd done a way better job, but I did chuckle a few times. Who knew that the youngsters could be sarcastically funny like this?



Sure, this chick is ugly and has a terrible voice, but something about this video makes want me want to bend her over and record a few intros for a MeatShits 7".



This one has gotten around a bit... I can't tell if the teen on the left is a dude or an ugly broad. All in all, tho, I have to admit I think this video is pretty rad. Here's a quote from Blabbermouth about the clip (thanks, Seth):
In a statement released to BLABBERMOUTH.NET, King Diamond, who saw the clip for the first time earlier this week, said, "OH MY GOD!!!! That just blew me away!!!! Absolutely 200% AWESOME! I [have always said that] we have the best fans in the world! It's so hilarious and at the same time it really makes me feel so honored seeing the level of dedication and how much our fans get out of our music!!"



Best for last. Remember a band named Metallica? Yeah, they were awesome. This video illustrates two theories of mine: King Diamond is a tool and Metallica used to be awesome dorky fun-loving guys, before they became rock-star prick-fucker looser righ-wing assbags.

The Great Kat—Video Roundup

What can I possibly say about the Great Kat that these clips can't say for themselves. The Long Island native (figures) went to Julliard (something that EVERY bio, set of liner notes, or write-up had to remind you of, probably due to strict orders from her managment) and went on to terrorize America's ears with the dumbest shtick ever...playing classical music at high speeds. She's still at it, believe it or not. She even did a nice patriotic video post 9-11, which you can see below. My friend once saw her live and said that all thirty people in attendance were made to go on stage and worship her on their knees for her song "Worship Me Or Die"....ugh. I remember metal dudes saying she was hot stuff back in the day. Oh boy. Maybe the liked awful yellow teeth. They probably thought Lori Bravo was hot stuff too. Much like the Predator vs. Alien argument, which was only settled once the movie was made, the Great Kat vs. Lori Bravo argument is as old as time itself. Sadly, it can only be settled by doing a movie about it...and Hollywood is not taking Kat's calls.

I picture her today, working at a car wash in Long Island, mumbling to herself as she scrubs down a guido's Escalade "worship me or die, worship me or die, worship me or die". She probably cries herself to sleep alot.

Do Hot Chicks Listen to Slam Metal?

Maybe I am too cynical, but something tells me this photo has been doctored. Like Fox Mulder, I want to believe, but if the Internet has taught me anything it's to not believe anything I see on the Internet. Sure, I'd love to think that hot chicks listen to Devourment, but chances are even if this photo is legit she probably got the shirt from a friend and only wears it because she thinks it looks "punk" or "edgy." This chick looks exactly like the kind of girl you'd see working at your nearby mall's MAC counter, which of course only makes her hotter. Until I see proof though I'll just continue believing that the only people who listen to slam metal are rednecks from Texas and wiggers from New Jersey.