BrokeNCYDE are hella mass chill bros

I know Metal Inquisition readers quiver with rage when I post about things that happened after 1993, especially if they involve neon merch, but bear with me. This post isn't my usual trolling, it is more along the lines of Anthony Bourdin's travel writing. It's life-affirming like Milo and Otis, eye-opening like Hotel Rwanda, and as full of lulz as a good day on 4chan. Even our most angry, bitter, jaded and elderly readers know that the winds of change are blowing- nay, gusting- bringing with them sweeping changes to the musical and cultural landscape. There is perhaps no better showcase for this phenomenon than Warped Tour, which I attended last week with my partner in crime Jon.

Sergeant D and Mikl from Brokencyde

Getting crunk... or not?!
Our assignment was to interview crunkcore trailblazers Brokencyde (AKA BC13), which we were both pretty excited about since we are huge fans. I didn't know what to expect from them, but I had some ideas. I have a pretty good idea where they're at from their songs, videos, and other artifacts, so I was expecting them to be bouncing off the walls, screaming "Get crunk!!" in my face and dumping 40s on my head while they tore the panties off of any female passersby.

The truth is that Brokencyde are painfully nice dudes. To borrow from Nitro, they are basically the complete opposite of out fuckin' rageous. Honestly Mikl was one of the most mellow people I have met in a long, long time, which was much more of a mindfuck than if he was the larger-than-life persona I had imagined. His personal brand is complex and multi-faceted, as multi-dimensional as Nike or Honda's versatile and long-lived brands who are beloved by consumers from a seemingly endless array of backgrounds.

BC13's newest single, "Booty Call," featuring an appearance from E-40. Not as good as "Freaxxx" if you ask me, but def worth watching for the scene hotties if nothing else.

Apparently a lot of butthurt old people who hate fun have been setting up interviews with the band only to use it as an opportunity to mock or fuck with the band. I wanted to make sure that Mikl knew we were going to be bros, so I shook his hand, introduced myself and told him that I was a) pretty drunk and b) a huge fan of the band.

The first thing I noticed that he is a tiny little man- possibly even smaller than the diminutive Lucho Metales, if such a thing is possible. Lucho's wife is a good 6 inches taller than him I would say, which must be tough because there is nothing he can do about it. If you apply yourself, nearly anything is possible... except for being taller. We can put a man on the moon, but Lucho's wife will always be taller than him. Mikl is in the same boat: I am far from the biggest guy on earth (I wear XS shirts at American Eagle for Christ's sake) and as you can see I dwarfed him.

This is Mikl and his girlfriend in the video for "Booty Call." If you have any questions about how emasculating it is to be dramatically shorter than your girlfriend/wife, please get in touch with him or Lucho.

Back then they didn't want me
In any case, I began with the obvious. Clearly, this band is hated on an epic level that is arguably unmatched since Earth Crisis. I wanted to make sure Mikl knew that I was on his side, so I offered a suggestion that, in the words of one of our commenters, haters "hate because BC13 are out partying while you're fapping in your mom's basement." I was hoping he would have some choice words for them. Maybe he would quote "How Ya Like Me Now" by Kool Moe Dee, I don't know. Instead, he just shrugged and said, "If people hate us, that's their thing, we don't care. We do this for people who wanna have fun. Our music used to be about missing your girlfriend and typical shit like that, but now it's about having fun and enjoying life." Wat.

Having fun and enjoying life?! It was way too posi for me to handle. Also, it was very clear that this wasn't a pose or coached response from their management, he obviously meant it. My head was spinning. So far, Brokencyde made MXPX look like serial killers by comparison.

Last time I checked, suburban white kids didn't call each other "carnal" and "loc"

Hispanics causing panic
One of the common narratives about Brokencyde is that they are rich, spoiled white pussies who make their music in the comfort of their parents' cul-de-sac homes, screaming about drinking 40s and dropping panties against a backdrop of medium-pile beige carpet in their fathers' home office. "No dude, not at all! We're Hispanic, we've lived hard lives without food, lights, we've never had it easy. People have that misconception. They don't really say it to our face very often, but when they do they're always surprised because one of us is like 'Fuck you, don't come at me like that," Mikl explained emphatically.

On the left is BC13's "Booty Call," on the right is Suicidal Tendencies "Institutionalized." Separated at birth? You be the judge.

"It is hard to digest that BC13 have more in common with, say, Beowulf or Excruciating Terror than they do Metro Station or even Blink-182"

This is why my favorite thing to play people is the skit above from their new album. It is a lot harder for people to dismiss BC13 when they are confronted with clear evidence that you aren't dealing with spoiled suburban brats, but super chill Mexican stoners from Albuquerque (if you have been to ABQ, you know there is no shortage of people who fit that description there).

Attack Attack shirt, it reads "I'm a spoiled white pussy"

It is very obvious that the actual spoiled white pussies in, say, Attack Attack or Devil Wears Prada are not only incapable of writing a skit like that, but also that it's 99% likely they don't even understand what is happening in it. It is hard to digest that BC13 have more in common with, say, Beowulf or Excruciating Terror than they do Metro Station or even Blink-182, but it's absolutely accurate.

I definitely moshed my fucking balls off to BC13. I think Mikl was stoked when he saw me stagediving and singing along to "Schitzo." I'm going to say that they probably haven't been interviewed by too many people who headwalked and fingerpointed to their set afterwards.

It was clearly important to Mikl to communicate the message that Brokencyde are nice Mexican boys whose abuelas raised them properly. He continued: "Once people get to know us, they'll see that we're really chill dudes and respectful. It's just how we were raised: if you wanna be treated nice, you treat other people nice. We've never talked bad about any band because they're artists and humans and we respect them." I halfway expected him to share his tio's recipe for carne asada next, or maybe show me pictures of his lowrider minivan with La Virgen de Guadalupe airbrushed on the hood.

In this video you will see that Brokencyde are the super-friendly dudes that you ran into at parties in high school who would always high five you, say what's up, and smoke you out even if they didn't really remember your name because they were constantly fucked up and have no short-term memory.

After hearing that BC13's mission was to "keep kicking ass and making people happy" and that they respect their haters as "artists and human beings," my mind was thoroughly blown. I am a good judge of character and an outstanding manipulator/social engineer, so if I detected that Mikl's "hella mass chill bro" personal brand was phony, I am confident I could have coaxed him into saying something negative (like how I got Winds of Plague to discuss wiggers with me for half an hour). But he was having none of it, he clearly meant every word of it. I was reeling; it was like I had just discovered a dossier of classified documents revealing that the Anal Cunt song "I Respect Your Feelings As A Woman And A Human Being" was sincere.

"Yellow Bus" is probably the sleaziest BC13 song, which is saying quite a bit. Also, it includes the Borat-like line "Let's sex tonight."

They take their panties off, then they pull their pants down
Much like the Onion's "You're A God Among Bros, Bro" piece, I felt like I had to give Mikl from dap for giving Jon and me the soundtrack to so many good times. We've definitely spent many nights getting fucked up and chatting up girls with Brokencyde providing the jams. Mikl seemed to appreciate it. "Yeah that's what it's for, man!" he responded enthusiastically. "It helps out with the fellas, too. Girls love it. You jam some Brokencyde with your girl, then next thing you know you're having sex to a Brokencyde song."

Kyle from Forever The Sickest Kids clutches an invisible orange

As readers of this blog know, I am a big fan of pretty girls and have serious wizard-level game. I know that makes some people think I'm a huge creep, but I didn't think much of it until recently. In fact, it wasn't until I got a real wake up call from Mikl: I mentioned that I loved Taylor Swift. He chuckled, rolled his eyes and said, "I bet you do, bro!" I have to admit, that one stung a little. You know it's bad when the dude from fucking Brokencyde thinks you're a creep!

The enchanting Dani and Alison from Millionaires with me. Wilford Brimley watches in the background.

Pretzels & Millionaires
After talking with Mikl, I needed some fresh air to digest all the thoughts that were swirling around in my head. I went to the main stage to watch Forever the Sickest Kids, my favorite band, and who did I run into but two of the ladies from Millionaires. Much like Brokencyde, they were disarmingly sweet girls, but since I was drunk I decided they should know I was disappointed with their footwear. I'm a big fan, so I watched their set earlier and had a great time- but what the fuck is up with their shoes?

Keds? Really? And what's up with Dani's haggard boots? Pete Wentz is too cheap to spring for a new pair of knockoff Doc Martens at Payless?

On the way back I ran into this 19 year-old kid who was telling me about his political grindcore band while he was in line to get some food. I told him he should stop playing boring music for beardos and start a crunkcore band, but he wasn't really feeling that idea. "Do what you want, bro, you don't have to listen," I counseled him, "but let's take a step back: I was just hanging out with Millionaires, and you're waiting in line to pay $7 for a fucking pretzel." I think I got through to him, because he laughed and said "Shit dude... I guess you do have a point."

In keeping with my motto of "life as absurdist performance art," I got BC13's Phat J to sign my stomach. To add another layer of two of lulz, that belt buckle says "OFR" and the tattoo you can see a bit of says "Forever Blue," my favorite Chris Isaak album (those of you who are my Facebook friends can see it on there).

Closing thoughts
Honestly, Mikl was maybe tied with Frank Mullen for being the nicest dude I've interviewed. I think the reason why people get so upset about BC13 is because they think/expect them to follow the rules of punk. But they aren't punk at all. As Mikl said, "We're not punk at all, except that we don't give a fuck, which is kinda punk-ish I guess." He had never heard of DRI, Corrosion of Conformity, or Minor Threat. I mention that not as a criticism, but just as an illustration of the fact that they make a lot more sense when you think of them not as punk dudes doing commercial rap, but as hip hop stoner dudes that scream in their songs a little bit. Nobody expects Lil Jon to write songs about anything other than getting wasted and hanging out with hot chicks. No one gets mad that all of Lady Gaga's songs are about being fucked up in the club and getting laid, why should Brokencyde be treated any differently?

ONE! TWO! We’re coming for you.
THREE! FOUR! Lock your door.
FIVE! SIX! Suck on my dick.
BROKENCYDE WILL NEVER DIE!

Screamo crunk comes to life: BrokeNCYDE / Hollywood Undead show review

If you're lucky, I'll summon the will to go to the upcoming Kottonmouth Kings show

It's no secret that I love screamo crunk, so you can imagine how excited I was when I saw that Hollywood Undead were playing... and with the infamous BrokeNCYDE of all bands!! It's like a dream come true! In case you couldn't see them in your town, here's my review of the show so you can live vicariously through me and have a little piece of the BC13 magic.

This is when they were chanting something about "Brokencyde, suck my dick."

BrokeNCYDE

BrokeNCYDE (aka BC13) opened the show and I was completely fucking stoked to see them. Since some you guys seem confused about this, I like BC13 about half-ironically, depending on the mood I'm in. If I'm wasted and either hanging out with a girl or about to be, I'm pretty into them. If I'm sober and acting like a grown up I can't really handle them. In any case, they started at 7:00PM and I was already fairly drunk because I'd been waiting around the venue for an hour and a half with nothing to do. Well, nothing to do except drink and talk to whatever girls were around who looked like I wouldn't go to prison if I said hi to them. I was hoping to at least get the chance to eyefuck some trainwreck scene girls, but I really didn't see any girls at all that were particularly hot. Kind of disappointing.

You have probably seen the video for "Freaxxx," but this song ("Get Crunk") is even more awesome/retarded

We ended up chatting up a mom/daughter pair that my friend was pretty into. The mom gave me her number. I wasn't really feeling it, but my friend was trying to feel her daughter. I also ended up getting some other girl's number, she was some 27 year-old midwest type with recently-installed fake tits (which I felt after she said "Feel them, they feel fake as shit!!"). She was cool enough but you know the type... she had on a Hurley sweatshirt or something, American Eagle jeans, and white Nike running shoes (not cool ones), and I can't handle that. Still, I did feel her tits so that counts for something.

My friend with the mom/daughter combo

When they started playing I felt like all my dreams were coming true all at once!! I seriously couldn't believe that it was actually happening. I mean, BC13 is basically the most ridiculous pop culture phenomenon of all time, and was just like "Holy fuck, this is actually happening!! This isn't just a dumb internet joke, this band really exists and these kids are 100% non-ironic!" As much as I wish I could pretend to be completely non-ironic here, I realized that I was on a different level than these kids who clearly had no idea that there was anything ridiculous about Brokencyde. With lyrics like these, I have a hard time seeing how that's possible, but it's true:

I can tell by the way she licks her lips.
That we're going to fuck tonight!
OMG I can not live like this.
Will someone take my life!
Here's a knife, go ahead and slice my wrist.
I'm not emo, but I'd rather be dead then with this bitch!!!

Pick up your pants girl!
We're not drunk enough to get it on.
I need viagra!
Cause you're too ugly to turn me on.
I saw your picture.
My Myspace has never done me wrong.
Until tonight girl. You're not my type girl!!!

The other thing that occurred to me is that BC13 represents a changing of the guard in that the kids have finally figured out how to make music that offends and disgusts a generation of people who grew up listening to bands with names like Millions of Dead Cops, Regurgitation, Carcass, Ulcerous Phlegm, etc. I used to jam the Meatshits or whatever and think to myself, "Man, I have no idea how anybody could top this stuff, but I know someone will. I don't know how they'll manage to offend me and my peers, but I know they will." Well, now I know how, and I am happy I got to witness it live! It's pretty fun to google for Brokencyde and read everybody's clueless, butthurt comments about them, but this is only person I've found who actually gets it:

God - spare me the hate spewing “critics”! This music is not about listening to seasoned professional musicians. It’s about these young guys who put sounds together with a keyboard and computer and came up with something cool. It’s about dance beats, trash talking and having a good time. It’s raunchy, sexual, I’m sure it’s making parents toes curl around the world, AND it’s leaving people like you scratching your head saying “wtf?”. Sounds to me like a recipe for success. The next generation is ready to embrace “their” shocker. Posts like this only helps to solidify that perception.

Like you, the Christian retard who sings for Senses Fail (who played this show with BC13) sounds like a confused grandparent when he talks shit on his tourmates:

Yeah, I slam them every night because in no way, shape or form do I back anything they do or say and I am embarrassed that kids these days are into it and am sad that kids these days are exposed to it. There is absolutely no substance whatsoever in their songs and no passion in anything they do. It is the musical equivalent of a snow cone, bland tasting frozen tap water loaded with sugar, yet colorful, that will give you a brain freeze, melt all over your hands leaving yourself dissatisfied and sticky.

Yes, he is a dumb Christian who obviously hates fun, but he does have a point when he says that there is no passion. I have to admit I was pretty disappointed in their live performance. First of all, they were just wearing baggy t-shirts and unremarkable jeans. Where were the alt-bro shutter shades, the neon parkas, the purple skinny jeans?! I paid for a spectacle, dammit! They went through the songs fairly lifelessly. I'll be honest, I didn't find their performance to be particularly crunk. The kid on the left fiddled with knobs on their drum machine or whatever, and the other two guys rapped lethargically.

The guy on the left, holy fuck... he's got a face made for radio.

It might not have been their best show, but I'm still pretty stoked that I'll always be able to say I witnessed BC13 in the flesh!! In 17 years or so, when everybody is nostalgic for this shit, I can start a blog called "Scene Inquisition" and tell dumb stories about the time I saw a dude from The Devil Wears Prada at Starbucks (this happened last summer).

I don't have pictures of these bands so here is this one instead. Sup ladies.

Haste the Day / Senses Fail
I barely remember these bands, I was at the bar most of their sets. The only thing I remember is spin kicking and punching some kids 90s moshcore style, which I didn't recall until I woke up the next morning with bruised knuckles. They were pretty good if you're into Christian moshcore... I mean they're no Strongarm, Focal Point or Crucified, and definitely not Unashamed (so fucking good!), but they were a good diversion.

Apologies for the blurry photo, but it pretty accurately captures how I felt and my fuzzy memories of the night

Hollywood Undead
Now here is a band that I like 100% non-ironically. OK maybe like 98% non-ironically... but you get the point. I don't like anything 100% non-ironically, not even Pantera. I interviewed Funny Man (one of the guys in Hollywood Undead), but he pressed the button on my voice recorder that erased the recording, so I don't have that to add to this post. He was a cool guy and the interview was fun, basically we just talked about how dumb it is when people hate on the West Coast, especially Southern California. Also, he said that while Brokencyde might get more ass on tour, Hollywood Undead get higher-quality ass. I didn't witness anything to confirm or deny it, but it seems like it would be true to me. I didn't really talk to any of the other guys in the band for more than a second, but they seemed cool too.

I played this song for my friend at work a while ago, and she said "Wow they wrote a song about your life."

Their set was super fun and I had a great time, but I have to be honest... after witnessing the postmodern, mash culture extravaganza that is BC13, anything short of Mila Kunis proposing to me would have been a letdown. They opened with "Undead," played most of the record, and closed with "Everywhere I Go." I went home, changed clothes, and went to some DIY show at a warehouse where I drank more, unsuccessfully tried to chat up some indie girl, and drew graffiti in my friend Chris' book until 3 or something when I passed out. All in all, one of the best nights I've had in years!

Screamo crunk: A cultural primer

Navigating the choppy, uncharted waters of today's pop culture landscape can be a daunting task, especially for old people like us who grew up in simpler times. Fortunately for all of you, I am here to be your guide to the changing face of metal culture. Think of me as your sherpa, taking you by the hand and carefully leading you to the summit of Mt. Awesome. After we are done, you will no longer be scared and confused by contemporary youth culture!

Damn son, what you know about some MySpace hair??

Screamo crunk = express train to awesome town!
Just when you thought you had seen everything, along comes something new that reminds you that you haven't. For example, I recently discovered the strange and amazing world of screamo crunk! Who knew that there was a whole genre of music in which skinny white kids with scene hair alternately scream and rap over beats that are somewhere between indie dance and Southern bounce? I didn't until the other day, and now you do too!

FTSK poppin and lockin

Ancestors
Screamo crunk is the very post-modern intersection of trends in several, unrelated genres of music, all mashed up into something new. Depending on how you want to look at it, that either makes it all kinds of awesome or a giant shit sandwich- I will let you be the judge of that, though!

Emo/Screamo
Back in my day (the 90s), screamo was Gravity Records fall-on-the-floor-and-freak-out stuff like Heroin, Second Story Window, and John Henry West. Emo was its much poppier cousin, best embodied by bands like Promise Ring and Texas Is The Reason or whatever. The important thing to note here is that these bands were the first to start attracting pretty girls to shows. Naturally I thought they were completely gay at the time, but in retrospect I should have thanked them profusely! To his credit, Lucho Metales was way more into this stuff at the time than I was. But we also both liked Shelter, so what the fuck did we know?

18 Visions = eyeliner + leather pants + mosh

Hardcore
In the hardcore scene, bands like Unbroken and Undertow introduced moshcore kids to the idea of paying attention to your appearance, with their pompodores, creepers and tight jeans. It's easy to see how they started us down the road that gave us bands like Eighteen Visions and Bleeding Through, who pretty much took what they started and made it even more awesome!

Forever The Sickest Kids, my favorite nu-punk band!

The trend toward more polished, accessible songs continued, yielding a new crop of "nu-punk" bands that basically sound like Miley Cyrus with MySpace hair. Good examples are Cash Cash, Kill Paradise, Metro Station, Hellogoodbye, and other stuff your little sister probably listens to. I am pretty sure that our readers will be not even a little surprised that I love this shit! The big thing to note here is the incorporation of dance elements into the familiar powerpop/pop punk formula.

I'm your idol, the highest title, numero uno

Rap
Before I ever listened to punk, hardcore, or metal, I was into rap. This was in the late 80s, which was a pretty awesome time that brought us legends like Rakim, Special Ed, Gangstarr, Too $hort, and tons more that aren't necessarily legends but are at the very least good for lulz: K-Solo, King Sun, Lakim Shabazz, and Chub Rock. I still love that shit, but as we all know, rap is very different now. It's all about Southern party rap now, which is fine by me because there is honestly nowhere I'd rather be than drunk off my ass at the club with a girl and cutting a rug to some T-Pain, Akon, or Baby Bash.

If you meet a girl at Urban Outfitters, she secretly loves this song

Here is a little secret for all you single dudes out there: Indie girls who are 20-25 years old all love getting down to some commercial rap. Take her to the club, make sure both of you have a few drinks in you, and when Flo-Rida or Lil Wayne come on, I guarantee you she will be getting down and you will be getting lucky when you come home. The only tricky part is talking them into going to the club in the first place because they have to pretend like they don't want to go, in order to maintain their indie coolness. It can always be "ironic" if that's what it takes, like "Hey let's go to this club, but just for a joke so we can laugh at all the lame douchelords there." It won't be ironic anymore after you buy her a couple rounds.

Exemplars


Brokencyde
This is pretty much the epitome of screamo crunk and these kids are fucking awesome. I am 100% certain that the majority of MI readers will vomit with hatred when they watch this video, but I am pretty into it. Range Rovers, hot emo chicks in Forever 21 dresses, and alcohol?! What's not to fucking like?! They are on Kottonmouth Kings' label, Suburban Noize, which is pretty funny, although not as funny as Doug Carrion from Descendents being in KMK. Also, don't miss their Waking The Cadaver-inspired song "Bree Bree"! Also, these motherfuckers have 25 million plays on MySpace!



Hollywood Undead
MySpace phenoms Hollywood Undead round out the screamo crunk scene by filling out the scummier end of the spectrum. I mean, I think most of the people in this scene are pretty scummy (and I mean that in a good way), but these dudes seem particularly sketchy. Maybe not in the same league as Necro or Ezec/Danny Diablo, but who is?? Anyway this video is awesome, full of skanky strippers and alcohol. I'm pretty into it and it definitely reminds me of "the good old days" of hanging out at shady graffiti parties. Note the "Crazy Train" bassline in the song above.


Attack Attack
I love Katy Perry and I love mosh parts. This band combines the two into something impossibly sweet. Back in the dizzay when I was reading Metal Maniacs and Maximum Rock and Roll I would have never dreamed of a day when something like this would be possible, but guess what: it just happened, son!


3OH!3
These two douchebags from Colorado know how to spit some lyrics: "Shh girl, shut your lips. Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips" is great, but "X's on the back of your hands, wash them off in the bathroom to drink with the bands" is even better! Before you get your panties in a bind and call these guys homos, take 1 second to ask yourself how much hot indie ass they get, and repeat after me: DON'T HATE, CONGRATULATE!

DO WANT (note gold American Apparel tube top and awesome hair)

Conclusions
The main thing is, it makes me really angry that this scene didn't exist when I was a kid. Back in the suffocatingly PC 90s hardcore scene that I grew up in, our idea of fun was going to a vegan bake sale in some motherfucker's basement in Indianapolis or whatever (Guav, are you reading this)! Either that or go see Disembodied with Day of Suffering and get punched in the face by some asshole in a Brother's Keeper basketball jersey.

I'm seriously pissed off that I spent my 20s on hardcore and graffiti instead of getting drunk with hot girls who have awesome hair, and I wish there was fun shit like screamo crunk back then to give me a venue for fun. You see, in the 90s hardcore scene, we took everything very seriously- having fun was the worst sin you could ever commit!

As always, if you think I'm joking when I say that I love this shit, I promise you that I'm not. Look at my Last.fm charts if you want proof!