Saturday, August 8, 2009

BrokeNCYDE are hella mass chill bros

I know Metal Inquisition readers quiver with rage when I post about things that happened after 1993, especially if they involve neon merch, but bear with me. This post isn't my usual trolling, it is more along the lines of Anthony Bourdin's travel writing. It's life-affirming like Milo and Otis, eye-opening like Hotel Rwanda, and as full of lulz as a good day on 4chan. Even our most angry, bitter, jaded and elderly readers know that the winds of change are blowing- nay, gusting- bringing with them sweeping changes to the musical and cultural landscape. There is perhaps no better showcase for this phenomenon than Warped Tour, which I attended last week with my partner in crime Jon.

Sergeant D and Mikl from Brokencyde

Getting crunk... or not?!
Our assignment was to interview crunkcore trailblazers Brokencyde (AKA BC13), which we were both pretty excited about since we are huge fans. I didn't know what to expect from them, but I had some ideas. I have a pretty good idea where they're at from their songs, videos, and other artifacts, so I was expecting them to be bouncing off the walls, screaming "Get crunk!!" in my face and dumping 40s on my head while they tore the panties off of any female passersby.

The truth is that Brokencyde are painfully nice dudes. To borrow from Nitro, they are basically the complete opposite of out fuckin' rageous. Honestly Mikl was one of the most mellow people I have met in a long, long time, which was much more of a mindfuck than if he was the larger-than-life persona I had imagined. His personal brand is complex and multi-faceted, as multi-dimensional as Nike or Honda's versatile and long-lived brands who are beloved by consumers from a seemingly endless array of backgrounds.

BC13's newest single, "Booty Call," featuring an appearance from E-40. Not as good as "Freaxxx" if you ask me, but def worth watching for the scene hotties if nothing else.

Apparently a lot of butthurt old people who hate fun have been setting up interviews with the band only to use it as an opportunity to mock or fuck with the band. I wanted to make sure that Mikl knew we were going to be bros, so I shook his hand, introduced myself and told him that I was a) pretty drunk and b) a huge fan of the band.

The first thing I noticed that he is a tiny little man- possibly even smaller than the diminutive Lucho Metales, if such a thing is possible. Lucho's wife is a good 6 inches taller than him I would say, which must be tough because there is nothing he can do about it. If you apply yourself, nearly anything is possible... except for being taller. We can put a man on the moon, but Lucho's wife will always be taller than him. Mikl is in the same boat: I am far from the biggest guy on earth (I wear XS shirts at American Eagle for Christ's sake) and as you can see I dwarfed him.

This is Mikl and his girlfriend in the video for "Booty Call." If you have any questions about how emasculating it is to be dramatically shorter than your girlfriend/wife, please get in touch with him or Lucho.

Back then they didn't want me
In any case, I began with the obvious. Clearly, this band is hated on an epic level that is arguably unmatched since Earth Crisis. I wanted to make sure Mikl knew that I was on his side, so I offered a suggestion that, in the words of one of our commenters, haters "hate because BC13 are out partying while you're fapping in your mom's basement." I was hoping he would have some choice words for them. Maybe he would quote "How Ya Like Me Now" by Kool Moe Dee, I don't know. Instead, he just shrugged and said, "If people hate us, that's their thing, we don't care. We do this for people who wanna have fun. Our music used to be about missing your girlfriend and typical shit like that, but now it's about having fun and enjoying life." Wat.

Having fun and enjoying life?! It was way too posi for me to handle. Also, it was very clear that this wasn't a pose or coached response from their management, he obviously meant it. My head was spinning. So far, Brokencyde made MXPX look like serial killers by comparison.

Last time I checked, suburban white kids didn't call each other "carnal" and "loc"

Hispanics causing panic
One of the common narratives about Brokencyde is that they are rich, spoiled white pussies who make their music in the comfort of their parents' cul-de-sac homes, screaming about drinking 40s and dropping panties against a backdrop of medium-pile beige carpet in their fathers' home office. "No dude, not at all! We're Hispanic, we've lived hard lives without food, lights, we've never had it easy. People have that misconception. They don't really say it to our face very often, but when they do they're always surprised because one of us is like 'Fuck you, don't come at me like that," Mikl explained emphatically.

On the left is BC13's "Booty Call," on the right is Suicidal Tendencies "Institutionalized." Separated at birth? You be the judge.

"It is hard to digest that BC13 have more in common with, say, Beowulf or Excruciating Terror than they do Metro Station or even Blink-182"

This is why my favorite thing to play people is the skit above from their new album. It is a lot harder for people to dismiss BC13 when they are confronted with clear evidence that you aren't dealing with spoiled suburban brats, but super chill Mexican stoners from Albuquerque (if you have been to ABQ, you know there is no shortage of people who fit that description there).

Attack Attack shirt, it reads "I'm a spoiled white pussy"

It is very obvious that the actual spoiled white pussies in, say, Attack Attack or Devil Wears Prada are not only incapable of writing a skit like that, but also that it's 99% likely they don't even understand what is happening in it. It is hard to digest that BC13 have more in common with, say, Beowulf or Excruciating Terror than they do Metro Station or even Blink-182, but it's absolutely accurate.

I definitely moshed my fucking balls off to BC13. I think Mikl was stoked when he saw me stagediving and singing along to "Schitzo." I'm going to say that they probably haven't been interviewed by too many people who headwalked and fingerpointed to their set afterwards.

It was clearly important to Mikl to communicate the message that Brokencyde are nice Mexican boys whose abuelas raised them properly. He continued: "Once people get to know us, they'll see that we're really chill dudes and respectful. It's just how we were raised: if you wanna be treated nice, you treat other people nice. We've never talked bad about any band because they're artists and humans and we respect them." I halfway expected him to share his tio's recipe for carne asada next, or maybe show me pictures of his lowrider minivan with La Virgen de Guadalupe airbrushed on the hood.

In this video you will see that Brokencyde are the super-friendly dudes that you ran into at parties in high school who would always high five you, say what's up, and smoke you out even if they didn't really remember your name because they were constantly fucked up and have no short-term memory.

After hearing that BC13's mission was to "keep kicking ass and making people happy" and that they respect their haters as "artists and human beings," my mind was thoroughly blown. I am a good judge of character and an outstanding manipulator/social engineer, so if I detected that Mikl's "hella mass chill bro" personal brand was phony, I am confident I could have coaxed him into saying something negative (like how I got Winds of Plague to discuss wiggers with me for half an hour). But he was having none of it, he clearly meant every word of it. I was reeling; it was like I had just discovered a dossier of classified documents revealing that the Anal Cunt song "I Respect Your Feelings As A Woman And A Human Being" was sincere.

"Yellow Bus" is probably the sleaziest BC13 song, which is saying quite a bit. Also, it includes the Borat-like line "Let's sex tonight."

They take their panties off, then they pull their pants down
Much like the Onion's "You're A God Among Bros, Bro" piece, I felt like I had to give Mikl from dap for giving Jon and me the soundtrack to so many good times. We've definitely spent many nights getting fucked up and chatting up girls with Brokencyde providing the jams. Mikl seemed to appreciate it. "Yeah that's what it's for, man!" he responded enthusiastically. "It helps out with the fellas, too. Girls love it. You jam some Brokencyde with your girl, then next thing you know you're having sex to a Brokencyde song."

Kyle from Forever The Sickest Kids clutches an invisible orange

As readers of this blog know, I am a big fan of pretty girls and have serious wizard-level game. I know that makes some people think I'm a huge creep, but I didn't think much of it until recently. In fact, it wasn't until I got a real wake up call from Mikl: I mentioned that I loved Taylor Swift. He chuckled, rolled his eyes and said, "I bet you do, bro!" I have to admit, that one stung a little. You know it's bad when the dude from fucking Brokencyde thinks you're a creep!

The enchanting Dani and Alison from Millionaires with me. Wilford Brimley watches in the background.

Pretzels & Millionaires
After talking with Mikl, I needed some fresh air to digest all the thoughts that were swirling around in my head. I went to the main stage to watch Forever the Sickest Kids, my favorite band, and who did I run into but two of the ladies from Millionaires. Much like Brokencyde, they were disarmingly sweet girls, but since I was drunk I decided they should know I was disappointed with their footwear. I'm a big fan, so I watched their set earlier and had a great time- but what the fuck is up with their shoes?

Keds? Really? And what's up with Dani's haggard boots? Pete Wentz is too cheap to spring for a new pair of knockoff Doc Martens at Payless?

On the way back I ran into this 19 year-old kid who was telling me about his political grindcore band while he was in line to get some food. I told him he should stop playing boring music for beardos and start a crunkcore band, but he wasn't really feeling that idea. "Do what you want, bro, you don't have to listen," I counseled him, "but let's take a step back: I was just hanging out with Millionaires, and you're waiting in line to pay $7 for a fucking pretzel." I think I got through to him, because he laughed and said "Shit dude... I guess you do have a point."

In keeping with my motto of "life as absurdist performance art," I got BC13's Phat J to sign my stomach. To add another layer of two of lulz, that belt buckle says "OFR" and the tattoo you can see a bit of says "Forever Blue," my favorite Chris Isaak album (those of you who are my Facebook friends can see it on there).

Closing thoughts
Honestly, Mikl was maybe tied with Frank Mullen for being the nicest dude I've interviewed. I think the reason why people get so upset about BC13 is because they think/expect them to follow the rules of punk. But they aren't punk at all. As Mikl said, "We're not punk at all, except that we don't give a fuck, which is kinda punk-ish I guess." He had never heard of DRI, Corrosion of Conformity, or Minor Threat. I mention that not as a criticism, but just as an illustration of the fact that they make a lot more sense when you think of them not as punk dudes doing commercial rap, but as hip hop stoner dudes that scream in their songs a little bit. Nobody expects Lil Jon to write songs about anything other than getting wasted and hanging out with hot chicks. No one gets mad that all of Lady Gaga's songs are about being fucked up in the club and getting laid, why should Brokencyde be treated any differently?

ONE! TWO! We’re coming for you.
THREE! FOUR! Lock your door.
FIVE! SIX! Suck on my dick.


  1. So-called Information Society is, in actuality, an elaborate piece of hyper maximalist performance art that most of the participants are unaware that they are a party to. Like most art it is of poor quality and little interest to anyone other than its creators, those caught up in the scene and/or those monetizing it.

    Think about it.

  2. Aw shit.. Ya know, there is pretty much NOTHING about BC13 that relates to me, but Freaxxx is too damn catchy to dislike. If called on this, I'll completely lie and say it sucks, but secretly, I'll know that I'm a poser in their world.

    One of the things I've learned over 39 years and being punk/metal since 1983ish is that it's hypocritical for me to crap on anyone who's sincere about what they do. What kind of an epic douche bag shits on another "outsider" because they're a different kind of outsider than them? Don Campon is a complete waste who I would gleefully point and laugh in his face, but the BC13 dudes would probably be treated pretty well by me. Who am I to judge? We all have guilty pleasures, but at least these dudes seem to have their heads screwed on strait. More power to 'em.

    I have a 2 year old son, and a decade of so from now, he will discover, and love, some form of music so shitty that we can't fathom it now. BC13 will be the good old days. So instead of crapping on them, I'll just say, more power to ya bros. You'll never get a dime out of me. But I won't hate on ya either.

  3. ..and by the way Se7en looks like he's about my age. He's banging underage trim on the Warped Tour while I'm trying to keep my wife from sending me to the store for tampons. Se7en wins.

  4. Sergeant D: Worst music taste ever?

  5. There are 2 or 3 "super chill mexican stoners" in Albuquerque. The rest are super violent pieces of shit.

  6. No one gets mad that all of Lady Gaga's songs are about being fucked up in the club and getting laid, why should Brokencyde be treated any differently?

    Amen. Even worse: Major Lazer. A lot of the songs on the Major Lazer album sound exactly like BrokeNCYDE, only with Jamaican rappers with voices three octaves lower than BrokeNCYDE's squeaky kids' voices. Still Major Lazer is the coolest act of the moment, while everybody hates BrokeNCYDE.

    Sergeant D: Worst music taste ever?

    The guy has a Forever Blue tattoo, so the answer to that is: no. (Although the appeal of wigger slam remains a mystery to me.)

  7. When I met brokeNCYDE i was pretty surprised by how grounded they were too. I was pretty surprised to learn as well that Mikl doesn't drink, and he seemed a bit standoffish, coulda just been knackered though. Maybe he thought I was gonna make fun of him. You meet se7en? He was awesome chill guy.

  8. "Apparently a lot of butthurt old people who hate fun have been setting up interviews with the band only to use it as an opportunity to mock or fuck with the band."

    link please?

  9. sarge, we all gathered that you like brokencde by now. so what? nobody is shocked by that, listen to what you want, but get back to writing about classic albums or so again. you don´t have to prove how hip you are. i don´t get how anybody could get in a rage about bands like brokencyde anyway, or how they ever got associated with the metal scene. fuck, that´s not metal! getting angry about bc is like getting angry about hanna montana not being "trve" enough. a waste of time! people that complain about them are probably 15 year olds yhat until some months ago were into bands like that and are embarrassed by that now they have discovered nightwish, metallica, or even (gasp) satanic black metal.

  10. sarge, we all gathered that you like brokencde by now. so what?

    I like them, and I wanted to see them, so I wrote about it. End of story.

  11. This post gives me a warm feeling inside, seriously good to know that people in bands I like and really respect aren't massive arseholes. Quality post mate!!

  12. "Sergeant D: Worst music taste ever?"

    No fucking way, not even close. Wigger slam is now one of my absolute favorite metal sub-genres, mainly thanks to Sarge whose expertise in the field hipped me to tons of awesome bands I otherwise would have missed. I mean I'm going to mow the damn lawn today while cranking some Katalepsy and wearing an Infernal Revulsion T shirt so there ya go. I love the classics as much as anyone else but ya gotta inject some fresh new stuff once in a while or you stagnate and become old & dull & ponderous to be around.

    Even the BC13 posts have their merit. I mean the music itself makes me cringe but the fact that I even know who Brokencyde is impresses the hell out of my 15 year old nephew and his little girlfriend. To each their own. Sarge is right, life is simply too short to waste a lot of time hating on everything.

  13. I'm going to mow the damn lawn today while cranking some Katalepsy and wearing an Infernal Revulsion T shirt

    Yes! Nice work, my friend!

  14. I'm with John on everything he said but honestly, I'd much rather buy my wife's pads (who the fuck still uses tampons) than be Se7en, who is facing a meaningless future of endless has-been reunion touring once this stuff becomes old hat.

  15. Matt attack attackAugust 9, 2009 at 2:21 PM

    Sarge, when you talk about interviewing people just to make fun of them, isn't that kinda sorta what happened with Billy Milano?

  16. I just want to say that Sgt D better have an actual tattoo of SERGEANT D. in order to get away with him using the mascot for such disgraceful whore-awful taste in bands like Brokencyde that he feels the 'need' to see.... not metal by a long-ass cum shot. I say we crucify this poser as an example to all other hypster gangster wanna be trendydouchewads before it's too late. or am I posting in the wrong blog here?

  17. The only dispute I'll raise about this post is the pictures of the Millionaires shoes.. huh?? Who gives a shit? I'd stick my face far enough into the chick on the rights ass, that I couldn't hear their terrible, terrible music.

  18. I understand why many people who read metal inquisition will be upset by a post about hip hop. This should be completely expected.

    However, I thoroughly enjoy these writings. It is like visiting my 14 year old cousin out west. I get to learn about what wacky shit kids are into these days. It is how I learned about Paul Wall and T-Pain. You don't think that 14 year olds are really into Hanna Montana do you?

  19. the reason people hate them is because while lady gaga and lil john are singing about the same crap, much much better I might add, they are at least adults and the music is made for adults even if a lot of children like it. BC13 makes music about fucking and drinking/doing drugs for children. I am not even a parent and that is ridiculous to me. Beyond the fact that it is not even listenable, anytime you see a tiny boy telling other kids to do drugs and have sex your natural instinct as a human is to bash his head in. There is absolutely nothing strange or unexplainable about hating these idiots. It is as basic as breathing.

  20. Anon: you consider guys in their late teens to be "tiny boys"? That's sort of...odd. And yeah, sex and getting wasted are topics rarely broached by popular music through the years (rolls eyes).

    If you don't understand it and it angers you, it means they're doing it right. I personally can't listen to it but it was never meant for me to comprehend, you see? Replace "lady gaga" (Lord forgive me)& "lil john" with "Tommy Dorsey" & "Benny Goodman" and replace "BC13" with "Elvis" and your post could have been written in 1955.

  21. Sgt.D
    Yes, it's your blog and you can write want, but honestly, what the fuck is this shit? This kaka is so far off the radar for most metalheads, not to mention music fans in general, that it's completely irrelevant to any discussion. At least with Manowar we can all join in and appreciate the barely concealed homoeroticism as a group. I'm not spending time hating shit that isn't our plane of existence. I'm too busy hating on myself for immersing myself in the non-functional metal community for 20 plus years. All I'm saying is let's stay on the topic of metal in specific, and less on this thoughtless nonsense. Great, you had a good drunken blowjob session with brokencyde. You're generally not going to be asking the tough questions of these primal reactants if you're too busy celebrating their gayiety under the influence of whatever.

  22. to anon posting in reply to anon, he specifically said the dude was tiny in his post. you fail so hard. pay attention or read the piece before you reply next time.

  23. I don't see why everyone's so pissed... I thought the shit was funny, if just to see how ridiculous bands are these days... pretty entertaining to read... but you know, guys it's been a while since there have been any new "great moments in metal cover art" discussions... as funny as brokencyde is to my thankfully out of the loop ass, those cover art posts were fucking hillarious.

  24. If anybody cares, I think this will be my last post about crunkcore- it's pretty much out of my system now. So I will be back to posting about the sawblade on the cover of "Human Waste" shortly!

    I know this stuff is off-topic and not metal, but I think it's pretty funny that I actually interviewed BC13. Not that it was some torture test or whatever, but it takes a lot more commitment to actually show up, see them, etc than just watch the video in 5 minutes like everybody else who has a stupid blog does.

    Anyhow, thanks for bearing with me. I will resume posting about metal as of now, I hope I haven't alienated too many people!

  25. Eeerm, you lost me there, is this blog called the rap inquisition?

  26. Hilarious. Fuck the haters Sarge, the lengths you go to for crunkcore deserve some mad respect.

    Mr. Booze: I know 22 year olds that are into Hannah Montana. It's not pretty.

  27. Too bad I'm way too old to pull off this crunkcore thing... sounds fun.

  28. fantastic work. I got hit with some tiny shrapnel there (shrapnel that is large could kill being tiny and all).

    you know why the Sarge is the man? cus he gave me his copy of the Kid Frost LP that features my favorite song of his "la raza". big ups.

  29. Lucho, did you notice my "really short Latin people" tag? I was pretty proud of that one.

  30. Damn you Sarge! How am I supposed to keep up this degree of blind hatred when it's apparently targeted at polite mexican stoners? I curse the day I sent you that link!

  31. sarge- it's your blog. write what you want....this crap is funny/awful beyond words. howzabout a metal real estate post on the members of House of Pain?

  32. Can we get some posts on Taylor Swift?


  33. People give me shit for liking bands like Leatherwolf and Loudness but this might top those.

  34. I'm not young enough to sincerely be into Brokencyde (BrokeNCYDE?), but I'm also not old and bitter enough to give you shit for writing about it. It was a fun writeup, fuck it. Favorite part was the "Despise You" tag.

  35. To anon posting about anon posting about anon: your mom failed hard too...last nite.

  36. ...and even worse on your birthday.

  37. I curse the day I sent you that link!
    What link???

  38. Wow, this crunk-core shit really brings out the inner Anselmo in your readers....

  39. leatherwolf and loudness are both great

  40. After posts like this, why the fuck should anyone care what you say about metal of any kind? You might as well get Attack! Attack! to guest write for you, it'd probably carry the same amount of credibility.

  41. "I just want to say that Sgt D better have an actual tattoo of SERGEANT D. in order to get away with him using the mascot for such disgraceful whore-awful taste in bands like Brokencyde that he feels the 'need' to see.... not metal by a long-ass cum shot. I say we crucify this poser as an example to all other hypster gangster wanna be trendydouchewads before it's too late. or am I posting in the wrong blog here?"

    Totally agree with everything this guy ssaid. This latest post is garbage.

  42. Sarge, I thought that you had mistakenly put this post on the wrong blog. Now I just think you are trying to justify your love of shitty music to all of the MI readership by telling us how cool the BC13 guys are. You don't have to justify anything to any of us. We all like shitty music here. So fuck the haters, and bang all the hot young scene bitches you can.

  43. dear sarge,
    please listen to as much brokencyde as you want if it makes you happy. the thing that annoyed me about this post is that in the last time, there isn´t exactly a steady flow of new posts on MI, so it bugged me that you spent another post on your not exactly under-documented love for bc13 instead of writing about stupid album covers or such, stuff that made me visit MI in the first place. I thought that was a bit too much, especially since you have your other blog now that is dedicated to all things scene, which i enjoy reading as well by the way, i am not a trve metal warrior or something that cannot appreciate other music (my metal years ended in 1993). the thing is, in a blog called MI you should focus on metal IMO. but as a lot of commentators stated, it is your blog, so post about what you want, i will come back anyway.

  44. Hahah! Thoroughly enjoyed post. I'm sad that this is the last crunkcore post, but I bet that within 8 months there will be a new, even more retarded genre to take its place. My bet is that its going to be hard house deathcore. Then you can write about that, and all the butthurt 44 year olds who think that a 19 year old screeching with auto tune about spiderman-ing a chick on her 18th birthday is any less goofy than the lyrical content of any given death or black metal band can post some more ingratiated posts about it.

  45. attn: butthurt douches...last i checked, we weren't making sarge and lucho rich through click-throughs or signing up for spam blasts or anything, so to bitch about what the owners of MI write about and demand that they cater to our every demand is pretty stupid. you dickweeds can Google Ron Reinhart's home address yourselves and do your own Metal Real Estate updates. waaaaahhhh....

  46. *I curse the day I sent you that link!
    What link???*

    Many months ago, I happened upon what I thought was surely a sign of the impending apocalypse. I emailed you a link to an earlier Brokencyde vid, thinking you would A) be as dumbstruck as I was or B) already know about it and enjoy it(given your established taste for such things.) Needless to say, we know how that worked out. You replied shortly thereafter with a link back to MI, stating that you hoped I enjoyed the write-up on the burgeoning screamo-crunk movement. As I presumed, your impeccable *cough* taste has prevailed.

  47. Here is a list of all the riches I have collected through writing 200-some posts on this blog:
    one (1) Brokencyde CD
    one (1) Hollywood Undead CD
    two (2) Hollywood Undead shirts
    one (1) copy of "Precious Metal"
    two (2) copies of the wigger slam issue of Decibel

    I shudder to think what I could have accomplished if I put that effort into, well, just about anything else.

  48. That is an AWESOME shirt you've got on there Sarge.

  49. Thanks, it's from Rockett-

  50. People who complain about this post and want more metal posts probabily are fappin' to Joey de Maio's pictures right now. Sad that we don't have crunkcore here in Brazil, Brokencyde is not even little famous here..I don't like the music, but hot scene girls getting drunk attitude is something necessary in all countries (even in Norway for God's sake).

  51. Sargent D is the only reason i come on this site...your post was hilarious..i couldnt tell if you were trying to be sincere or ironic but it was a really great read.

  52. Sarge wears the glowing-eye wolf shirt well.

  53. wow, songs about getting laid, getting fucked up, and sounds like cracked out hanna montanta, how could you go wrong?
    soooo much better than the "PC" bands that ebulltion put out.
    politics and progressive thinking are so last decade.

  54. No matter how nice you are, it counts for nothing when you make records like Brokencyde or Crazy Frog.

    "Sure they make records like that but they're really nice guys" is like "Sure Richard Ramirez is a bad guy but he's really good looking."

    Anyway, I don't think it's possible to actually sound like that if you're not genuinely an asshole. They've just got you fooled.

  55. These video clips are very interesting .