I know Metal Inquisition readers quiver with rage when I post about things that happened after 1993, especially if they involve neon merch, but bear with me. This post isn't my usual trolling, it is more along the lines of Anthony Bourdin's travel writing. It's life-affirming like Milo and Otis, eye-opening like Hotel Rwanda, and as full of lulz as a good day on 4chan. Even our most angry, bitter, jaded and elderly readers know that the winds of change are blowing- nay, gusting- bringing with them sweeping changes to the musical and cultural landscape. There is perhaps no better showcase for this phenomenon than Warped Tour, which I attended last week with my partner in crime Jon.
Getting crunk... or not?!
Our assignment was to interview crunkcore trailblazers Brokencyde (AKA BC13), which we were both pretty excited about since we are huge fans. I didn't know what to expect from them, but I had some ideas. I have a pretty good idea where they're at from their songs, videos, and other artifacts, so I was expecting them to be bouncing off the walls, screaming "Get crunk!!" in my face and dumping 40s on my head while they tore the panties off of any female passersby.
The truth is that Brokencyde are painfully nice dudes. To borrow from Nitro, they are basically the complete opposite of out fuckin' rageous. Honestly Mikl was one of the most mellow people I have met in a long, long time, which was much more of a mindfuck than if he was the larger-than-life persona I had imagined. His personal brand is complex and multi-faceted, as multi-dimensional as Nike or Honda's versatile and long-lived brands who are beloved by consumers from a seemingly endless array of backgrounds.
Apparently a lot of butthurt old people who hate fun have been setting up interviews with the band only to use it as an opportunity to mock or fuck with the band. I wanted to make sure that Mikl knew we were going to be bros, so I shook his hand, introduced myself and told him that I was a) pretty drunk and b) a huge fan of the band.
The first thing I noticed that he is a tiny little man- possibly even smaller than the diminutive Lucho Metales, if such a thing is possible. Lucho's wife is a good 6 inches taller than him I would say, which must be tough because there is nothing he can do about it. If you apply yourself, nearly anything is possible... except for being taller. We can put a man on the moon, but Lucho's wife will always be taller than him. Mikl is in the same boat: I am far from the biggest guy on earth (I wear XS shirts at American Eagle for Christ's sake) and as you can see I dwarfed him.
Back then they didn't want me
In any case, I began with the obvious. Clearly, this band is hated on an epic level that is arguably unmatched since Earth Crisis. I wanted to make sure Mikl knew that I was on his side, so I offered a suggestion that, in the words of one of our commenters, haters "hate because BC13 are out partying while you're fapping in your mom's basement." I was hoping he would have some choice words for them. Maybe he would quote "How Ya Like Me Now" by Kool Moe Dee, I don't know. Instead, he just shrugged and said, "If people hate us, that's their thing, we don't care. We do this for people who wanna have fun. Our music used to be about missing your girlfriend and typical shit like that, but now it's about having fun and enjoying life." Wat.
Having fun and enjoying life?! It was way too posi for me to handle. Also, it was very clear that this wasn't a pose or coached response from their management, he obviously meant it. My head was spinning. So far, Brokencyde made MXPX look like serial killers by comparison.
Hispanics causing panic
One of the common narratives about Brokencyde is that they are rich, spoiled white pussies who make their music in the comfort of their parents' cul-de-sac homes, screaming about drinking 40s and dropping panties against a backdrop of medium-pile beige carpet in their fathers' home office. "No dude, not at all! We're Hispanic, we've lived hard lives without food, lights, we've never had it easy. People have that misconception. They don't really say it to our face very often, but when they do they're always surprised because one of us is like 'Fuck you, don't come at me like that," Mikl explained emphatically.
This is why my favorite thing to play people is the skit above from their new album. It is a lot harder for people to dismiss BC13 when they are confronted with clear evidence that you aren't dealing with spoiled suburban brats, but super chill Mexican stoners from Albuquerque (if you have been to ABQ, you know there is no shortage of people who fit that description there).
It is very obvious that the actual spoiled white pussies in, say, Attack Attack or Devil Wears Prada are not only incapable of writing a skit like that, but also that it's 99% likely they don't even understand what is happening in it. It is hard to digest that BC13 have more in common with, say, Beowulf or Excruciating Terror than they do Metro Station or even Blink-182, but it's absolutely accurate.
It was clearly important to Mikl to communicate the message that Brokencyde are nice Mexican boys whose abuelas raised them properly. He continued: "Once people get to know us, they'll see that we're really chill dudes and respectful. It's just how we were raised: if you wanna be treated nice, you treat other people nice. We've never talked bad about any band because they're artists and humans and we respect them." I halfway expected him to share his tio's recipe for carne asada next, or maybe show me pictures of his lowrider minivan with La Virgen de Guadalupe airbrushed on the hood.
After hearing that BC13's mission was to "keep kicking ass and making people happy" and that they respect their haters as "artists and human beings," my mind was thoroughly blown. I am a good judge of character and an outstanding manipulator/social engineer, so if I detected that Mikl's "hella mass chill bro" personal brand was phony, I am confident I could have coaxed him into saying something negative (like how I got Winds of Plague to discuss wiggers with me for half an hour). But he was having none of it, he clearly meant every word of it. I was reeling; it was like I had just discovered a dossier of classified documents revealing that the Anal Cunt song "I Respect Your Feelings As A Woman And A Human Being" was sincere.
They take their panties off, then they pull their pants down
Much like the Onion's "You're A God Among Bros, Bro" piece, I felt like I had to give Mikl from dap for giving Jon and me the soundtrack to so many good times. We've definitely spent many nights getting fucked up and chatting up girls with Brokencyde providing the jams. Mikl seemed to appreciate it. "Yeah that's what it's for, man!" he responded enthusiastically. "It helps out with the fellas, too. Girls love it. You jam some Brokencyde with your girl, then next thing you know you're having sex to a Brokencyde song."
As readers of this blog know, I am a big fan of pretty girls and have serious wizard-level game. I know that makes some people think I'm a huge creep, but I didn't think much of it until recently. In fact, it wasn't until I got a real wake up call from Mikl: I mentioned that I loved Taylor Swift. He chuckled, rolled his eyes and said, "I bet you do, bro!" I have to admit, that one stung a little. You know it's bad when the dude from fucking Brokencyde thinks you're a creep!
Pretzels & Millionaires
After talking with Mikl, I needed some fresh air to digest all the thoughts that were swirling around in my head. I went to the main stage to watch Forever the Sickest Kids, my favorite band, and who did I run into but two of the ladies from Millionaires. Much like Brokencyde, they were disarmingly sweet girls, but since I was drunk I decided they should know I was disappointed with their footwear. I'm a big fan, so I watched their set earlier and had a great time- but what the fuck is up with their shoes?
On the way back I ran into this 19 year-old kid who was telling me about his political grindcore band while he was in line to get some food. I told him he should stop playing boring music for beardos and start a crunkcore band, but he wasn't really feeling that idea. "Do what you want, bro, you don't have to listen," I counseled him, "but let's take a step back: I was just hanging out with Millionaires, and you're waiting in line to pay $7 for a fucking pretzel." I think I got through to him, because he laughed and said "Shit dude... I guess you do have a point."
Honestly, Mikl was maybe tied with Frank Mullen for being the nicest dude I've interviewed. I think the reason why people get so upset about BC13 is because they think/expect them to follow the rules of punk. But they aren't punk at all. As Mikl said, "We're not punk at all, except that we don't give a fuck, which is kinda punk-ish I guess." He had never heard of DRI, Corrosion of Conformity, or Minor Threat. I mention that not as a criticism, but just as an illustration of the fact that they make a lot more sense when you think of them not as punk dudes doing commercial rap, but as hip hop stoner dudes that scream in their songs a little bit. Nobody expects Lil Jon to write songs about anything other than getting wasted and hanging out with hot chicks. No one gets mad that all of Lady Gaga's songs are about being fucked up in the club and getting laid, why should Brokencyde be treated any differently?
THREE! FOUR! Lock your door.
FIVE! SIX! Suck on my dick.
BROKENCYDE WILL NEVER DIE!