Friday, December 12, 2008

They're just like us- they like metal, too!!

Sergeant D brainstorming furiously at the Metal Inquisition Mid-Atlantic Innovation Center

As Lucho Metales mentioned in
his "Who wore it best?" post, we like celebrity gossip almost as much as we like talking about terrible metal bands. In fact, we spent last weekend holed up in Building C of Metal Inquisition's Mid-Atlantic Innovation Center exploring the topic. We don't know exactly what metal bands celebs listen to, but we took our best guess below...

Kobe Bryant
Gut, Dead, Cemetery Rapist, Mortal Decay, Meatshits
If you think that all basketball players listen to rap, you are an awful bigot and you should be ashamed of yourself. They are diverse, sophisticated professionals with all the refined tastes that you would expect from a modern gentleman. For example, as an all-but-convicted anal rapist, we figured Kobe probably jams a lot of pornogrind when he's practicing his free throws, touchdowns, home runs or whatever the fuck they do in basketball. He even got a cassette player installed in his Maibach so he can play his 7 Minutes of Nausea demos on the road.

Vin Diesel
Gogoroth, Judas Priest, Death
Vin Diesel says he "prefers to keep his personal life private." In other words, he is a homosexual. I know what you're thinking: how dare you jump to conclusions! But think about it for a second... Vin Diesel could literally bang a dozen absurdly hot strippers every single day without breaking a sweat. But ask yourself, when was the last time you saw him with a chick in the press? That's right, never! So there you have it, PROOF that he's gay. Aside from being a homosexual, he's also a huge nerd that loves videogames, D&D, and other trappings of dorkdom. With that in mind, we're all but positive that when he's struggling to get through his 7AM spinning class, when everyone else is listening to Eric Prydz, he draws inspiration from gay-fronted metal bands like Priest or Death.

Lindsay Lohan
Laaz Rockit
OK, this is a cheap shot... but with a song like "Fire In The Hole," they're a perfect fit for the world's most famous firecrotch! (Click here for pictures of her firecrotch, NSFW obviously)

Paul Walker
Disturbed, Crazytown, Scatterbrain
You might know Paul (or as I like to call him, P-Dubb) from his roles in films like The Fast & The Furious, Into The Blue, and Joyride. To me, his finest moment was in She's All That, though. When he sees Rachel Leigh Cook in her bathing suit, he looks at her jammers and says "Look at the bobos on superfreak!" Anyhow, Paul definitely likes to party, and he definitely loves to bang his head to aggro shit like Godsmack and Crazytown. But he's not just a rocker. The truth is that most of the time he'd rather be chilling at his condo in Malibu, hanging out on the beach with his acoustic guitar, a Corona and a baja jacket in case it gets breezy. And when it comes to chilling on the beach, there's no better soundtrack in the world of metal than a little Scatterbrain! He can't decide what he likes better about Scatterbrain: their funky riffing or witty lyrics. Either way, though, don't call him dude!

Pick up where we left off
There are only so many hours in the day, and we simply couldn't finish what we started. Help us match up the rest of Hollywood with the right band. We know Stephen Baldwin loves Believer and Vengeance Rising (only the old stuff), but who listens to Exhorder? Mordred? Benediction??


  1. Chuck Schuldiner was gay? Where did you read or hear that?

    The only guy who listens to Mordred is an obsessed Englishman who hates this blog:

    "Someone hates Mordred...
    Now, I'm not one to post negative stuff about the band, past or present, but I've recently been sent a link from Mordred fan Ian Crocker, and am hoping that all Mordred fans will bombard the idiot's who printed the pointless article. Basically, it's a complete slag-off of Mordred, lacking understanding of the music and also tends to get a little personal, so if anyone out there in Mordred land wants to email these bunch of time-wasting cocks, get on board. I've been open to posting bads reviews etc, but this is just a joke:"

    Flame war, bitches!

  2. the chuck schuldiner rumor has been an ongoing internet thing. the poor dude. his mom keeps a site, where she answers questions and the like. for some reason people got it in their head and started posting that stuff in the site his mom maintained, perhaps just to mess with her? it's certainly proof that the internet can really insulate you from the realities about what you say online (I wouldn't know anything about that). at this point, its almost a self-referential joke....when i say it to a friend, i'm almost making a joke about the preposterous nature of the postings, and the horrible fact that the last thing a mother who is mourning the death (no pun intended) of her son needs to deal with. can you imagine her excitment, and pride when she noticed just many fans her son she decides to put up a site, and that's what happens? oy.

  3. At least in my head, the cast of the movie twilight - r-patz, kristin stewart, and the dude who played jacob all hung out in their trailers exploring the napalm records back catalog. you know, like siebenburgen, tristania, hollenthon, and dismal euphony.

  4. Jim Carrey → Cannibal Corpse
    Keanu Reeves → Anvil
    Jenna Jameson → Necrophagia

    There's also Andrew Howe, an italian athlete who specializes in the long jump and sprint, who had troubles while in Beijing for his Motorhead and Tool t-shirts...

  5. But Paul Masdival is gay, no? Wasn't that who the "You don't know your own sexuality" line was about?

  6. you know, i had never heard that the song The Philosopher was about Paul Masvidal, but it's certainly possible, and some people online seem to support the notion. interesting, since part of the rumor about chuck being gay came from that line of the song (about sexuality).

  7. Lindsay Lohan clearly listens to Riot. FIRE DOWN UNDER.

  8. From what I hear from my gay friends in Toronto, Canada. Mr. Diesel is quite well known on Church St. (the Toronto gay distract) and from what I here is pretty aggressive with the dudes.

  9. baja ponchos are also known as a "drug rug". for some reason this term never fails to make me laugh. just thought i would mention that.

  10. Kobe Bryant listening to Meatshits made me laugh coffee out my nose

  11. baja jackets = never not funny!!

  12. lets not forget: NICHOLAS CAGE can thrash to POWERMAD (in the 80's, before the hair transplant and botox injections)
    (No comment on his faggot ass son)

  13. I'm thinking Barack Obama is a huge Nuclear Assault fan. Politically and socially astute; environmentally conscious. Can't you just see him and Michelle reading NA lyrics to their daughters in spoken word form..."Equal Rights, Human Rights."

  14. It had to be asked: where did Sergeant D get that jacket? There's no way he bought it in the men's department at H&M. I should know; I shop there.

    I'd love to discover that Miley Cyrus listens to Profanatica. I can't find any correlation between the two, but hearing that Hannah Montana is down with "desecrating the cross with black fuckin' shit" would really drop those guys down a notch on the Kvltness scale.

    Kurt Cobain was and Ryan "Don't Call Me Bryan" Adams is a fan of Celtic Frost.

  15. OK, cheap shot, but Governor Arnold - Manowar all the way. He definitely drew big inspiration from homoerotic guy.

  16. zachary, it's from American Eagle. my pants (which you can't see) were from H&M, though.

  17. Tom Cruise is probably into Nocturnus, what with all the crazy Sci-Fi occult stuff they write about.

  18. It's a (well I thought it was) well known fact that the entire cast of the Golden Girls do a Carnivore tribute band

  19. It's an amazing post . Thanks for sharing .