Warbringer's balls don't smell, and they like Sacred Reich

I recently made fun of Municipal Waste in Terrorizer for banging my ex and having smelly balls, among other things (read it here). I also called them phonies who tried too hard, along with other neo-thrash bands like Toxic Holocaust and Warbringer. It turns out that I may have painted with a brush that was a bit too broad (would hardly be the first time). Several people who I respect emailed or IMd me and said, "Bro, you fucked up, bro. Warbringer are the real deal, they're legit bros, bro," so I started to think I had made a mistake. I was still skeptical, though- I rarely make a false poser-accusation. I figured a good way to find out would be to go directly to the source and run them through a battery of tests.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should note that Century Media owns a controlling stake in Metal Inquisition, with Decibel/Red Flag Media's shares rounding out the mix.

They were game, so we asked Warbringer to watch the following videos and rate each one as follows:

• Is the band True or False, and why? Think about all the dimensions of their personal brands: the music itself, their image, what you think they do for a day job, what their fans are like, and if the people in the band are fat. Say a little bit about your thoughts on each video (a few sentences/a paragraph).
• Choose two finalists from the pool, one band who is The Truest and one who is The Most False and say a little bit about why you chose them.

Here is what they had to say:



Forced Entry "Bludgeon"
Hell yeah! This rules! Sweet headbanging rhythms and nice lil solo near the beginning. There's a lot of random stuff going on in this video... it has a guy grabbing a rifle and getting ready to shoot something out the window, then someone jumps into a swimming pool with a guitar and more random havoc intercut with relentless live and rehearsal performances. Forced Entry are an underrated band, probably due to being overshadowed by the Seattle grunge bands. Seattle actually had a lot of good metal bands around that time like these guys, Metal Church, Bitter End, Sanctuary, Panic and more. Definitely true!



Nitro "Freight Train"
Not only does Michael Angelo Batio's guitar have 4 necks, but it descends apparently from the realms of the beyond into his hands for ultimate ridiculous shred. Jim Gillette apparently used to shatter glass with his falsettos too. Also he has a palm tree growing from his head, which he displays proudly here. This had got to be some of the biggest hair of any hair band - can it be real? And this guy eventually hooked up with Lita Ford and is now some hulked-up MMA guy. This wins due to complete over-the-top factor, being more over-the-top than just about anything ever.



Burn Halo "Dirty Girl"
This is the new band from 18 Visions' singer. I hadn't heard of this band, and don't really know 18 Visions either, but looking at the video this is quite a departure from what I know of that. This seems pretty manufactured, and pretty uninteresting. It's kind of along the lines of corporate cock rock aiming to get some radio play. The guys in the band all make "look at me" faces the whole time. At least there are some babes in the video, I guess. False.



Prong "Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck"
This song is a classic for its time. I could imagine some gothy looking stripper dancing to this song, it would work I think. Don't know what to say about Tommy Victor's mesh shirt and pleather pants thing, hard to say why that would be. But here all is well, and pretty badass. At around 30 seconds- "Catch the ball next week with Alice in Chains at its new time at midnight!"



A Day To Remember "Downfall of Us All"
Can't say I like this at all. I had never heard of happy hardcore in this context before. Judging by this I don't think it's such a great idea either. The mosh parts don't seem like such a juxtaposition because even those parts sound happy and uplifting somehow. The whole thing sounds like they could easily be singing about Jesus, and that I just can't get behind. False.



Sacred Reich "Independent"
Ok now we are talkin! This song is pretty badass. We toured with these guys a little bit in Europe this summer and they were all rad dudes. The video is pretty much a lot of shots of them, playing metal and being badasses, and all these motivational messages that flash across the screen. This is fine though, as one of them near the beginning just says "YOU RULE!". Allrighhht!



Hollywood Undead "No. 5"
This video was directed by Jonas Akerlund, the original drummer for Bathory, eh? That is a fucking bummer. Well, regardless, this is a good example of white dudes totally sucking at being rappers. Oh well, at least we can get a fucking robot to sing the chorus for us! Robots are pitch-perfect! Marvel at its digitized sheen! False.



Emmure "Sound Wave Superior"
Whoa, this is fucking gay! I had never heard this band before, but if this is widely hated, it must be because many people have functioning ears. The wiggerness doesnt help get them out of the suck sector either. And whoa... now the singer (maybe its just the hoodie that makes him look chunky?) is in bed with all these hot chicks, and he looks really out of place. Also the whole song is a chugging breakdown. The whole song! Is falling asleep brutal? False!!



Wasted Youth "Good Day For A Hanging"
Classic old-school L.A. punk/hardcore. I definitely know the name. This features the guitarist in Velver Revolver and the drummer from Queens of the Stone Age but there are no sonic connections between those bands. Wasted Youth is better than either I think. Lots of moshing and playing drums on rooftops, playing a backyard party and badassery like that. I give a hearty thumbs up.



Blessed By A Broken Heart "Mic Skillz 2"
This is clearly a joke, very silly stuff here. "Go ninja, go ninja, go!' So while I can't really give it a stamp of trueness it is one of the more entertaining videos on here to watch. The video is just going for the over-the top angle and the song itself is ridiculous part after ridiculous part, so I guess it at least succeeds at being ridiculous. Shredding is good though!



Evildead "Annilhilation of Civilization"
Fucking awesome thrash! These guys were from L.A. and underrated. Guitarist Juan Garcia is alone true as he's been in so many good bands like Abattoir and Agent Steel and is still always playing around. The band is dressed like a fucking metal band, with the exception of the neon colored red hot chili peppers shirt. But that is ok. Then there is starving children, all kinds of creatures being brutally murdered, AIDS, and all kinds of horrible stuff. Then at the end there's some politicians. Those bastards! Look what they've done! True!



Winds of Plague "The Impaler"
This is probably a little more wigger than Emmure, it looks like a rap video basically. The music is a little better though, as once in a while the guitars are doing some not-chugging. Then it shifts from being in the club to being on a field of skulls, which is a clear improvement. Unfortunately then they decide to break it down for reals at this time, and that is a clear not-improvement. Pretty false I'd say.

The verdicts
For truest I would have to give it to Evildead, just for having probably the coolest song on here. Riffs and headbanging will always prevail.

For lamest it would be a split tie between Emmure, for trying so very hard to look tough, or Hollywood Undead, who rap about myspace and other such things.

***

Closing thoughts from Sergeant D
It's too bad they don't like any new bands like A Day to Remember, but the fact that they even know who fucking Bitter End are makes them OK in my book! And if they are into Dumt then I will erect a shrine in their honor.

Retroview: MOD - "USA For MOD"

Usually when I do these retroviews, I cover a band's entire discography, a whole scene, genre, or other broad range of albums. But sometimes you come across an album that needs to be dissected in detail, every note examined piece by piece. "USA For MOD" is just such an album, and we'll cover it in excruciating detail below!

The poor man's SOD
Clearly I am a huge fan of SOD. When I got "Stormtroopers of Death" in 8th grade, it was like a whole new world unfolded before my eyes. An ignorant, hateful, angry world full of thrash parts and mosh riffs, a world that felt like home to this young boy. I don't remember how, but somehow or another I learned that there was another band that had the same singer as SOD, and their name was... MOD?! From the name to the cover art, everything MOD did on this record was a somewhat shittier version of SOD. Yet despite being incredibly derivative, it has a certain charm that earns it a special place in my heart. It's also pretty remarkable that it's still quite offensive 22 years after being released. Not too many records can make that claim! What that in mind, I will share my thoughts on each and every track on the album.



"Aren't You Hungry?" – 3:25
They certainly started things off with a bang! I'm not sure it was the best idea to drop the n-bomb, but apparently Billy Milano did, and Megaforce thought it was a good idea to release the album. In any case, this is one of the most mean-spirited songs ever written, which makes it pretty great in my book. It's also the strongest song on the album musically. But mostly I just like it because of the line, "They want the food to grow on what they call home land. But don't you know you can't grow food in sand."

"Get a Real Job" – 2:10
Long-time readers know that here at Metal Inquisition, we love kicking people when they're down. So does Billy Milano: after picking on starving third-world kids, he focused his attention on people with shitty jobs. I used to think it was about bums, which made me like it even more. I worked next door to a homeless shelter for two years and it pretty much made me feel like the best way to deal with the homeless is to grind them into high-end food for purebred dogs. Mostly because they have a hard time controlling their bowels. For example, when I got out of my car in the morning and stepped right into a puddle of alcoholic bum shit (it was cold shit, by the way). Or when I saw a fat homeless lady pull down her pants and shit on the sidewalk in broad daylight (this was on the corner of 9th & Stewart in Seattle, a very busy downtown intersection).

"I Executioner" – 2:31
I like to think about Billy belting this one out in the studio, straining so hard that his face turns red, beads of sweat appearing on his pasty skin, clutching the microphone with his pudgy, sausage-like fingers as though it was made of solid gold. I'm guessing that he couldn't think of any more SOD songs to rip off, so he stole an idea from Anthrax and wrote a song about Judge Dredd.

It's hard to even know where to start LOLing... there's so much to work with that it's kind of overwhelming!!

"Don't Feed the Bears" – 1:03
A lot of people like this one, it doesn't do much for me. Just a kind of boring and unremarkable novelty tune (did I just describe Billy Milano's career?).

"Ballad of Dio" – 0:11
Oh I get it, it's funny because the song is so short and the lyrics are mean!! Just like "Ballad of Jimi Hendrix!" Ha ha ha!! Man, these guys don't take anything seriously, do they?! What a bunch of characters!

"Thrash or be Thrashed" – 0:51
Add this one to the thrash metal checklist: Song about moshing. Specifically, a warning to new jacks about the potential dangers associated with moshing.

"Let Me Out" – 1:39
Dumb. Nobody cares about Billy Milano's feelings. Boring song.



"Bubble Butt" – 0:43
After a few not-so-good songs, here comes this fucking gem!! Of course I must point out of the obvious absurdity of a tubby little man like Billy Milano criticizing anybody's physique, but that's beside the point. What makes this song so great is that it's a simple chant that you and your friends can get into whenever you see a fat chick. Like when Skullkrusher and I were at the mall once and I saw a fattie, I just said "Bubble butt, bubble butt!" and he finished with "She's so fat!" and we had a good laugh. Another time I was at the mall with some of my friends, and some girl walked past us (we could only see her back). He said, "Hey, what's up?" She turned around and had a hideous face, so he laughed and said "Never mind!" He ended up being in one of the later incarnations of Integrity.

"You're Beat" – 2:15
This song is dumb, too. Like a boring, uncatchy version of "Kill Yourself."

"Bushwackateas" – 0:19
I still have no idea what this song is about! It sounds vaguely racist, but the lyrics are so cryptic that I really can't be sure. But I used to think about this turd named Ryan Matlock that was a Brother's Keeper groupie every time I heard the line, "Nice ears, you look like an elf." You see, he had big ears. I can only hope that the people at whatever menial job he has now call him "Radar."

"Man of Your Dreams" – 3:40
I had to look this one up, because even though it's one of the longest songs on the album, I didn't remember it at all. Then I remembered it was a song about Freddy Krueger. How original!! I imagine Scott Ian feeling like the older brother does when the younger brother copies everything he does. Like if you get a skateboard, and your little bro makes his own out of an ironing board and rollerskate wheels and follows you around all over the place. Not only does he get it all wrong, it's embarrassing for everybody involved, but you don't tell him to stop because you know how bad it would hurt his feelings. But you know Scott must have been like, "Dude... you gotta find your own voice... we already did the Freddy thing. At least write about Jason."

"That Noise" – 0:13
Funny when SOD did it, lame when MOD did it (I know, you might as well say that about Billy Milano's entire career after "Stormtroopers of Death"). I'm sure Alex Perialis was tickled to death.

"Dead Men/Most/Captain Crunch" – 3:30
Yet another example of Billy Milano mercilessly flogging SOD's material. "Milk" was mildly amusing, but the joke was over after that. Apparently he didn't notice, though, and chose to trot it out again. Ha ha, isn't it funny that a thrash band wrote a song about cereal?! How whimsical! What an ironic contrast to the angry, aggressive nature of their music!

"Jim Gordon" – 2:39
Never got into this one, but I was never really into the whole obsession with serial killers and stuff. Probably because my dad worked in a prison for 25 years and we talked about murder and arson over dinner since as long as I can remember, so the novelty factor wasn't there.

"Imported Society" – 1:46
I think they should have called this song "Speak English or Die." Oh wait! How about, "Stealing Scott Ian's Ideas, A Book By Billy Milano?"



"Spandex Enormity" – 5:27
If we can put aside for a moment the absurdity of MOD groupies, much less the idea that some of them would not be disgusting blobs, this song is one of the best on the album. "Don't talk to me, talk to Nick!" "You fucking fat bitch, I've had enough of you!" Great song, but does it really need to be five-and-a-half fucking minutes long?!

"Short But Sweet" – 0:06
File under "Recycled, stale SOD material."

"Parents" – 1:39
Boring, don't care. Liked the Descendents song "Parents" better.

"Confusion"/"You're X'ed" – 2:48 (written by The Faith)
Boring, don't care part II.

"A.I.D.S." – 2:00
Possibly even more ignorant and shocking than "Aren't You Hungry" because unlike the title track, which I'm sure is a joke, there's a good possibility this one is sincere. Either way, it still manages to be pretty fucking offensive in the 2K9, which is no mean feat.

"Ruptured Nuptuals" – 0:13
I love this one! It's so simple yet it says so much: "You broke your vows, you dirty bitch, I'll kick you in your cunt!" It has that kind of hard-hitting directness that makes me love Death Threat so much: "I know no other way to take the pain. Instead of trying to make things better, I get fucked up everyday." Or when Dismember called their album "Death Metal." You don't know what else to do but shrug and nod as if to say, "Well, yeah, that's death metal all right..."

"Ode to Harry" – 1:31
Another novelty song. Mildly amusing, xenophobic lyrics, but not good enough to make me like the song. Whew, I'm getting fucking sick of writing about this band! Why are there so many goddamn songs on this record? I'm never doing another retroview like this.



"Hate Tank" – 2:20
When you see it coming, the shit runs down your leg! Good way to finish the album strong, especially after a stinker like "Ode to Harry." Also, any song with a reference to The Love Boat is OK in my book. I would be really excited if any readers can point to examples of thrash songs about some of my other favorite shows like Riptide, Simon & Simon, 21 Jump Street and CHiPs. For some reason I feel like Stikky had a song about CHiPs, but I may be wrong. Do kids under 25 or so know what CHiPs is? If not, it's a sad day for humanity. I love that show! I used to get up at 7AM on my summer vacation when I was 15 or 16 to watch reruns of it and Charlie's Angels every morning. And by the way, Skullkrusher looks and acts a lot like Officer Francis Llewelyn "Ponch" Poncharello.

This is the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of the universe. They invented the Nocturnus time machine specifically to destroy everything associated with this video!

Closing thoughts
Fuck, that was torturous! What do you guys think of this format? It's a lot of work, but I feel like it does the best job of truly diving into a classic release like "USA For MOD." I definitely don't want to do it for just any album, but for the right record, I think it's worth it. Maybe next time I will do a track-by-track review of Nocturnus "The Key" and/or "Thresholds"? There is certainly plenty of material there! Maybe I can help to explain the finer points of "Enter the Droids" for you simpletons and new jacks.