***PLEASE NOTE: THIS POST DOES NOT CONTAIN ANY REFERENCES TO SWEDISH DEATH OR BLACK METAL.
I have never been much of a Candlemass fan. I don't know something about fat Swedish guys with brillopad hair wearing a Slanket never really turned my crank (Yes, I am aware he's not in the band anymore). However, if you follow my Twitter (and really, why wouldn't you?), then you'd know I've developed a little bit of an obsession with them. I have rediscovered them, if you will. Now, does the fact that I just started liking a band in 2009 that has been around since the 80s make me a poser? If some cretin came to me and told me he just now got into Hellhammer, I'd probably label him a fuckwad poser and steal his car. That's the usual poser punishment around here. Well, call me what you will, but I like Candlemass now. I did have Candlemass Live on cassette in high school, although I only listened to it once.
Other than the occasional Sabbath song here and there and some Paradise Lost, I don't usually dig on the sludgy slow doomy type shit, but lately Candlemass (and Messiah's fatness) have changed that. It's not only that I have found their songs incredibly catchy or that I have rediscovered how fat (and therefore funny) Massiah is, but the music seems to match my mood as of late. It's not that I have been sad or depressed. Quite the contrary, I have been on the up and up (which you'd also know if you follow my Twitter), but somehow their slow tunes have become an anthem to my life these days. Whatever, I'm a fucking werido.
Sweden has a long standing and well documented history of shit music. Who can forget Hick?
This image is so fucking funny on it's own, I'm not even gonna bother trying to say anything witty, mean or in anyway "funny" about it. I'll just point one thing out. We found Ron Weasely's real dad!
And there's Faith! Who can forget Faith? Who can forget the Doom pioneers who brought us the "Hymn of the Sinner" 7" single? Who can forget them? Not me! Mostly because it's hard to forget something you'd never heard of before until doing web research for a long-winded and all around retarded post about a second rate band like Candlemass.
From L to R: Assclown wearing my mom's suede boots // Moustache wilding frontman with a poodle haircut, my sister's sweater, my gym socks circe 1984 and a crucifix keychain // Guy looking sad 'cuz his mom won't let him grow his hair long // And... wait is that a dude or an ugly chick?
I didn't wanna bring these guys up, but...
So many poodle haircuts I don't know what to do. I wonder if that's like a "Swedish Thing", these terrible haircuts.
And then there's ABBA... Fuck me with a 15" black dildo! This whole Mama Mia! bullshit could have been avoided if these fucktarts would have died in their teens. *Sigh*, how I long for Nocturnus' Time Machine right now... Way to go Sweden, thanks for nothing.
Is it me, or does everyone in this picture look like his wearing a wig?
But all of the Swedish musical "legends," none is bigger (or lamer, really), than this gentleman. Allow me to introduce to Sigge Furst, a true Swedish icon. He was a mediocre actor and a horribly bad singer during the 40s, 50s and 60s.
He did more than 130 movies, and I'm sure they were all "very good." I wonder if the Swedes understood the concept of Two Thumbs Down in the 50s... Anyway, he was in the incredibly entertaining musical "I Dur Och Skur." What a picture that was! They sure don't make them like that anymore. Sven Lindberg was also very good in this movie. I recommend you put it on your Netlix list right away. In your Swedish Netflix, AKA "NeetFliiks"
And let us not forget the TV masterpiece "Himmel Och Pannkaka" featuring the incomparable Gunmar Bjornstand. That show was a kneeslapper! Imagine a mixture of Seinfeld, Gilligan's Island and and The Benny Hill Show! Actually that's not it at all, I just made that up. I have never seen and Sweedish TV, unless you count soft porn as "TV."
So, what does the prodigious Sigge Furst have to do with Candlemass? Aside from also being a Swede, in a stroke of true Swedish genius, in 1993 Candlemass decided to cover four songs by the late legend in an EP aptly titled "Sjunger Sigge Furst." I'm not sure why I said "aptly", since i have no idea WTF "Sjunger" means, but maybe I wanted to sound smart, and the use of words like "aptly" make you sound smarter than you actually are. I got a B in drafting once.
In any case, I think the whole EP is brilliance on mp3. Below, please find both, the original and the cover, of the catchy tune called "Bullfest." I don't really know if they even have bulls in Sweden, so I'm not sure what the song is about, but I love it! If it doesn't make you wanna get up and dance, there's obviously something really, really wrong with you. Or maybe there's something really, really wrong with me. Actually, I know there's something really, really wrong with me, so please disregard the previous statement.
I hope enjoyed that as much as I did. Probably not, but then again, I'm not sure I care.
Here's something else I found that I thought was interesting... Apparently Sigge Furst is not the only has-been dipshit Candlemass paid tribute to in the 90s.
So, what have we learned today, kids? Well, we learned that there is no cattle in Sweden, that I have serious psychological issues and that gluttony is a sin. Go fuck yourselves. Porn.
We are proud to present an interview with the notorious Billy Milano, singer for the legendary MOD! That said, it's a shitty interview. I guess I shouldn't be even a a little bit surprised, but his answers were uninspired, terse, and boring. I'm still kind of let down in spite of having low expectations, he really phoned this one in. I did my best to spice it up with some of my own comments, but you can only polish a turd so much. The harder you try, the more you get shit all over yourself, and it's still a turd.
Immediately after this picture was taken, Billy the Hut put this poor AIDS victim out of his misery by eating him
What are the lyrics to the Crab Society North Song "You Nigger"? Your link didn’t work so I don’t know if it’s really a song. I don’t think it is but it it were a song it was probably very short and had a dark tone to it. Yuck-Yuck. [We just pasted the link into an email; apparently he only knows how to click URLs, not copy and paste it into the address bar. I know he's on the wrong side of 40 so technology isn't really his friend, but this was the first sign of trouble. Also, he has an AOL email address- do you think he spends a lot of time seeing what's in keyword megaforce?]
With looks like this, one can only imagine the high-caliber pussy that he is surely drowning in
In your Hard N' Heavy interview, you talk about "life on the road", and banging the caliber of girl that would have also banged Poison back then. Did you feel it was necessary to lie and make up these stories because a camera was on you? You know my initials are the same as Brett Michael's. I find it ironic that you mention Poison besides I have no respect for anyone who fucks me and wants to brag about it. [His initials are BM. I am not sure if our readers abroad know this, but in the US that means "bowel movement," or "shit."]
Here is a curious collage of Billy Milano images that I found in an equally curious article about him on a bear blog (I'm not talking about the kind of bears they have at the zoo)
You were in SOD and then MOD. Do you ever talk to Dave Mustaine about how he should have named Megadeth "Netallica" instead? What do you think of "Slayer 2"? Never cared to ask Dave about that shit, Slayer 2? I actually think there was a band called slayer from Texas or somewhere and Slayer in LA was a band at that time. That is something you need to check on. [I seriously think he missed the point of this question. I know he is not going to be in MENSA anytime soon but honestly... it's kind of sad to see a human being who is this dense!]
In the MOD video for "true colors" you wear many hilarious outfits, in order to mock the look of other styles of music (glam etc), yet we couldn't help but notice that in the portions where you are dressed as yourself, you are still wearing spandex cycling shorts. Can you tell us more about the decision to wear those? Ha ha - BUSTED!!! No, seriously I always wore them for comfort and nothing more. I will say this I bike 20 miles a day in Austin Texas and don’t wear them so I find this also Ironic.
In this horribly dull video, Billy tries his hand at improvised, observational humor... and fails miserably. Don't come crying to me when you realize you pissed away several seconds of your life that you'll never get back on this before frantically mashing the "stop" button.
An argument has been made by some that the cost of medical care for illegal immigrants is not as costly to the US economy as caring for the medical needs of the overweight Americans. Do you care to comment? Yes this is true, I have read that argument and it has valid points but let me embellish. No illegal immigrant should be given FREE health care or GOVERNMENT sponsored health care when American citizens who do NOT have health care can and are denied. [I think he also missed the point of this question. Hint: we were calling you fat, Billy the Hut]
A girl is sitting next to me as I write this. When she saw this image over my shoulder she said, "Who is this guy? Why is this image online?! What is he doing??" All I could say was, "Uh... he's the singer in this crappy band called MOD, I have no idea what is happening in this picture but it's funny."
Aside from SOD, what other musical influences do you have? And you can't answer "Anthrax" or "Scott Ian" to this question. Hardcore Punk. [I can only assume he is talking about Fat Nuts, 25 Ta Life, and Fury of V]
You made a song entitled "Wigga" in which you mock suburban white kids who dress like poor black people. Can you tell us more about this phenomenon? What do you make of wigger slam metal? This question is about as relevant as the interviews some journalist gave me for the Decibel interview. NEXT! [Translation: I can't think of anything entertaining to say]
"Wait where am I again?"
When most people see Danny Lilker, they think he looks like he has Down's syndrome due to his retarded face and tiny baby teeth. What was your reaction when you first laid eyes on him? He looked like a stoned mop. [Now THIS is funny!! Come on Billy the Hut, you can do better than 1 for 13!]
For the past 20 years you have relied heavily on Jewish musicians to make a semi-decent living, yet you are an anti-Semite. How do you reconcile these two facts? I converted to being a Jew in the 80’s. I like bagels and have an accountant name Murray, Oi vey such a thing. My Jewish friends only know me by my Jewish identity. “ Sol mehaya Lowenhidlebaum” His name is my name too. Or wait that’s “John Jacob Jinggleheimer Schmit”.
This is 1 million times worse than BrokeNCYDE and Crazy Town put together and wrapped in swastikas
When you were making the video for "Wigga," and you realized that you had become the thrash metal version of Weird Al or The Offspring, what went through your head? Thank you, what I was thinking was Most metal bands sing this evil shit and their the biggest pussies walking. I am far from a pussy and just wanted my song and record to be fun. Music used to be fun. Everyone is so fucking serious they need to get laid or at least take a shower they will feel better. [This is certainly true. Maybe he would like screamo crunk??]
Please read our review of "USA For MOD" and share your thoughts on it. In particular, can you comment on this part?
"Man of Your Dreams" – 3:40I had to look this one up, because even though it's one of the longest songs on the album, I didn't remember it at all. Then I remembered it was a song about Freddy Krueger. How original!! I imagine Scott Ian feeling like the older brother does when the younger brother copies everything he does
First off your links don’t work. That would be kinda of what Dimebag was feeling about Scott, Right? Baaazing!!!
Like if you get a skateboard, and your little bro makes his own out of an ironing board and rollerskate wheels and follows you around all over the place. Not only does he get it all wrong, it's embarrassing for everybody involved, but you don't tell him to stop because you know how bad it would hurt his feelings. But you know Scott must have been like, "Dude... you gotta find your own voice... we already did the Freddy thing. At least write about Jason."
I was SOD. I am an original- they (ANTHRAX) Stole SOD’s voice. [wat]
When we were writing these questions, we took bets on whether you would have a good sense of humor about it or be a butthurt pussy. I bet $5 that you would try to come up with witty answers to the questions in an attempt to show us up, maybe even putting in a few playful jabs of your own every now and then to avoid looking like a complete pushover. Who is right? How can I possibly know whose right? I don’t know what the other person you made the bet with said. [I'll admit, this was a tough question that didn't give him a lot of room to move, but even then, what a shitty answer]
That's all we have. Would you like to add anything? Thanks!! Oh, and what is "Bushwackatees" about? Your mom’s hairy cunt! Peace Nigga. [I feel vicariously embarrassed for Billy the Hut when he tries to be shocking like this because it's not even slightly offensive, it's just tiresome and dull]
Back in the late 80s, my brother and I would head down to the local supermarket in search of the newest issue of Metal Hammer on a monthly basis. Metal Hammer was the only publication available to us which had anything to do with music aside from Menudo, although thinking back, Menudo were pretty rad and almost metal looking themselves.
Look, the colors on the pants might be a bit much, but the guys from Manowar have dressed in outfits that are pretty similar to this.
South America in the 1980s being what it was, the "newest" issue of Metal Hammer in the supermarket's newstands would always be two years old, had pages ripped out, and would cost nearly three times what a normal magazine would cost. Still, being able to see pictures of the bands that we listened to was so rare, that no price was too large to pay. It was a bit annoying to read articles written in Spanish from Spain (a bit different from that spoken in other countries), referencing the recording process of albums that had been out for nearly two years. Nevertheless, the pilgrimage to the local supermarket was part of our metal routine, and we loved it.
Having only recently unearthed the Metal Inquisition archives, seeing our large collection of Metal Hammer magazines was a pleasant surprise. Seeing those magazines was like welcoming an old friend back into your home during a snowstorm. As such, I welcomed these beloved Metal Hammer's back into my life, and began to flip through their pages. As I turned each page, I was amazed by how many of the pictures, articles and ads I remembered perfectly. I must have looked through each of those magazines millions of times, and thus I still remember details from every page. I remember perfectly that the article about Slayer came after the Robert Plant picture (the selection was iffy at best) and before the Uriah Heap concert review. Among all the articles and reviews that I remember perfectly, the one you can see above, detailing Charlie Benante and Scott Ian's love of crossover and hardcore music is perhaps the one that (as awful as it is to admit) had the most profound impact on me. Look, I've already opened up about my embarrassing past to all of you, and even shown you the horrible drawings I made as a kid, so sharing yet another stupid aspect of my life seems like no big deal. It's kinda' how the anthrax (not the band) scare seemed like no big deal after September 11. It's exactly like that...but kinda' different. Anyway, back to the article. Around the time I saw this picture, my brother and I had already heard Cryptic Slaughter and D.R.I., and loved them both. I had trouble placing such bands within the metal spectrum, but enjoyed the fact that some of the band members had short hair, and dressed kinda' like my mom made me dress back then. Yes, I certainly tried hard to rock a vicious mullet (and I did from time to time), but whenever my mom took me to the barbershop at the mall (the one in front of the ice cream place, by entrance #7) my mullet was chopped off, and with every snip I cried tiny metal tears. Like Samson, I too lost my powers once my plumage was removed. For that reason, seeing pictures of guys in bands with short hair made me feel empowered, I could now tell other kids at school that my look was planned out, and not simply as a result of my mother's overbearing, tyrannical parenting style (any latino readers, or jewish readers for that matter, probably know what I mean). In contrast to the more relaxed approach of crossover bands, seeing pictures of Venom made me feel rather disconnected from them based on their attire. I simply couldn't relate to what they were wearing. As an 11 year old, my only thoughts were "How do they get their mom's to let them wear those outfits?" and "Does Mantas realize how phallic those nunchucks look?"
Thigh-high red leather boots, phallic nunchucks and a spiked girdle. Wow, you have to love 80s black metal.
In contrast to Venom, bands like DRI and Cryptic Slaughter looked (at least in their early albums) more like me. I remember seeing the picture below in a Cryptic Slaughter album, and being amazed by the fact that this guy's mom also made him cut his hair and wear white t-shirts. Though it may seem silly and superficial to be drawn to a musical style for aesthetic reasons, please remember that I was 11, and most of these bands seemed to play as fast (if not faster) than most metal bands did at the time. Also, how could you not love the DRI mascot? Which reminds me, was I the only kid who would run and try to stop suddenly in order to hold the DRI pose? Hmm....maybe it WAS only me who did this.
Awful spiked up hair? White t-shirt? Yay! This guy looks just like an 11 year old version of me!
Now check out this picture of the Crumbsuckers at the beach, and compare it to Venom. What a fun bunch of guys!
For the very reason that some kids were attracted to Slayer (aesthetics), I was attracted to these other bands. That, it would appear, was enough to make me like them at first. Yes, I realize that crossover amounted to little more than many bands sucking at two musical styles at once, instead of one. But hey, what can I tell you, I like pickle and peanut butter sandwiches too, and as far as I know, I'm not pregnant. In the end, it was no different from the people who were drawn to Venom because of their leather pants. Another aspect appealed to me was their lyrical content. Although I couldn't speak English at all back then (see my "welcome to the hell" drawing here if you need proof), I could make out some of their messages, and could easily see that the devil played no part in their lyrical content. Don't get me wrong, I too thought Eddie and Iron Maiden's visuals were cool as a little kid, but growing up in South America during an insanely violent time, songs about the devil didn't scare me or make much of an impression on me. Skulls, pentagrams, even Venom's whole thing on the back of Black Metal about raping nuns or whatever didn't seem all that evil. Real evil was the insanity that surrounded all of us in that area of the world back then. I had no proof that satan existed, but I did have proof that actual human beings had the ability of being insanely brutal and were murdering each other around me all the time in ways that Slayer and Sabbat could only dream of. Although I'm aware that many metal bands came from modest backgrounds in European and American cities, the levels of comfort they enjoyed were unheard of to most people in South American countries. Wealth and luxury, it would appear, afforded teenage minds the ability and time to wander and dream up these silly scenarios. Confronted with reality, South American bands (at least where I lived) largely sang about real topics, even if they looked a whole lot like Venom. Even having grown up in a comfortable setting, at just five years old or so, I saw a man's body after he had been shot in the face only minutes before. I remember his face and body being covered by a white sheet, as the sheet automatically soaked the blood from his contorted face. This happened outside a Chineese restaurant in the outskirts of the city, and I'll never forget how customers continued to stream into the restaurant, unfazed by the fact that a murder had just taken place. Similarly, for a short period of time during the mid 80s, the highway that my schoolbus took on its way to school would have bodies hanging from the trees along the route. Suicide was on the rise, and even six and seven year olds like me who were on that bus paid little attention to the bodies swaying in the morning breeze. When you see those things at an early age (and I saw way more, though in comparison to many I had a fantastic and easy life) Eddie was justy not as scary as it seemed to some American kids. Dead bodies, shootings, bombings, mass murder, these were the sort of things I had proof of. Humans, not the devil were way scarier to me...but I'm getting off topic.
You see, when I first came upon this article in Metal Hammer, I read it slowly, picking up every band name that was mentioned. I also made a mental list of the albums that were being held up in the picture, the ones that Scott was giving his decidedly positive thumbs-up to. Am I/was I a complete douchebag for taking musical advice from a godamned picture in Metal Hammer? Absolutely, but hey...as an 11 year old, it's not like I had that many other sources from which to derive musical suggestions. So with the list of albums from the picture, I would go on to buy every one of them (minus the Inferno one). I have to admit, it took me years to realize that the album which I thought was by a band called "The Wacky Hi-Jinks", was actually by Adrenalin OD. When I figured this out, I cursed Charlie for having hidden the band's name on the cover by not holding it at the very front. Had he held it up at the front, instead of the DRI album, I would have saved myself years of searching, and stupidly asking older dudes in my school if they liked the band "The Wacky Hi-Jinks". Oh well.
So over the years, I made my way through the list that was endorsed by these two metal titans. Much like I first listened to the Misfits purely because so many metal bands wore their shirts, I first listened to the Cro-Mags because of this picture. Unlike the first time that I heard the Misifts, which was a bit of a let down, most of these albums delivered the goods quickly. See, the Misfits were tough for me to like at first. I thought that if all metal bands liked them, and their skull looked so damn evil, they must surely sound like the fastest, heavist thing in the world. Having heard Napalm Death's Peel Sessions in 1988, I thought the Misfits were probably even faster and crazier. Imagine my surprise upon buying a Misfits cassette and hearing some mid-tempo music with a Jim Morrison impersonator singing. Sure, I grew to love it...but that first experience left a bitter taste in my mouth. DRI, on the other hand, delivered . Fast, short songs that came in bursts and made Metallica seem dopey and contrived.
The Crumbsuckers were perhaps my favorite among the bands I discovered because of the Metal Hammer article . Although my love affair with the Cro-Mags (who I also first listened to because of this picture) has lasted longer and been more intense, the first time I heard "Trapped" by the Crumbsuckers, I nearly pissed myself. That's not saying much, since I had a propensity for pissing myself back then at the drop of a hat. Unable to get their album, I first heard and saw them on the Hardcore video compilation, which was put out by Jettisoundz Productions. My friend Nicolas had a beta dub of it, so my brother and I made a dub of his dub. Our beta machines didn't have RCA connections, so we hooked up the two machines via coaxial cable, resulting in a dub of the poorest quality. You can see the tape below, complete with dot matrix printer song listing (circa 1988).
Although most of the bands on the tape were decidedly punk, The Crumbsuckers stuck out, as did their look. Like the singer from Cryptic Slaughter, Chris Notaro rocked a haircut I knew well, the very bowl cut that my mom had forced me to wear for so many years. The intensity of the video seemed crazy to me and as a result, upon visiting New York City for the first time I tried to look for CBGBs right away. Sadly, when I first went to New York City, I was 12 years old and my mom and grandmother wanted to go to Bloomingdale's and Saks Fifth Avenue instead of looking for CBGBs....what a bunch of posers! But let me get back to crossover, as this could easily go down the path of hardcore and punk...and this is neither the time or the place. I'll simply say that it's a bit embarrassing to admit that you first listened to the Cro-Mags, not because you saw them at CBGB's at an early age, but rather because you saw Scott Ian holding up one of their records. Oh well, such is life.
Look, this is by no means a definitive post about the subject of crossover, which was such a hot musical topic back in the day...but merely a quick exploration about my first exposure to the genre. A more thorough post will have to be made one day, one that follows the fallout of this type of music (Pro-Pain, Biohazard, Scatterbrain, Downset etc) as well as the use of skateboards as photographic props by bands like Anthrax and Metallica. Crossover was a way for bands to show their street cred, and was something that punks and metalheads could both hate. Who knew that this musical style would later on create an entire sub-genre filled with denim vest-wearing hipster douchebags (complete with ironic haircuts, guitars, backpatches etc) that would basically add up to a Civil War reenactment.
So where does that leave me? I'm not really sure. I'm getting older, and thus find blending my enjoyment ("love" would be a bit much at this point) for this type of music with my mature lifestyle to be a bit of a challenge. Luckily, DRI has just released this very tasteful polo-style shirt, which is equally at home on the golf course, or in the pit at a Ritz matinee (sweet Lalapolooza tribal armband not required). Why let the guys in the IT department have all the fun? Along with an nice pair of pleated Dockers, you'll be representin' your metal roots, and pleasing your boss all at once. Everyone wins!
Usually when I do these retroviews, I cover a band's entire discography, a whole scene, genre, or other broad range of albums. But sometimes you come across an album that needs to be dissected in detail, every note examined piece by piece. "USA For MOD" is just such an album, and we'll cover it in excruciating detail below!
The poor man's SOD Clearly I am a huge fan of SOD. When I got "Stormtroopers of Death" in 8th grade, it was like a whole new world unfolded before my eyes. An ignorant, hateful, angry world full of thrash parts and mosh riffs, a world that felt like home to this young boy. I don't remember how, but somehow or another I learned that there was another band that had the same singer as SOD, and their name was... MOD?! From the name to the cover art, everything MOD did on this record was a somewhat shittier version of SOD. Yet despite being incredibly derivative, it has a certain charm that earns it a special place in my heart. It's also pretty remarkable that it's still quite offensive 22 years after being released. Not too many records can make that claim! What that in mind, I will share my thoughts on each and every track on the album.
"Aren't You Hungry?" – 3:25 They certainly started things off with a bang! I'm not sure it was the best idea to drop the n-bomb, but apparently Billy Milano did, and Megaforce thought it was a good idea to release the album. In any case, this is one of the most mean-spirited songs ever written, which makes it pretty great in my book. It's also the strongest song on the album musically. But mostly I just like it because of the line, "They want the food to grow on what they call home land. But don't you know you can't grow food in sand."
"Get a Real Job" – 2:10 Long-time readers know that here at Metal Inquisition, we love kicking people when they're down. So does Billy Milano: after picking on starving third-world kids, he focused his attention on people with shitty jobs. I used to think it was about bums, which made me like it even more. I worked next door to a homeless shelter for two years and it pretty much made me feel like the best way to deal with the homeless is to grind them into high-end food for purebred dogs. Mostly because they have a hard time controlling their bowels. For example, when I got out of my car in the morning and stepped right into a puddle of alcoholic bum shit (it was cold shit, by the way). Or when I saw a fat homeless lady pull down her pants and shit on the sidewalk in broad daylight (this was on the corner of 9th & Stewart in Seattle, a very busy downtown intersection).
"I Executioner" – 2:31 I like to think about Billy belting this one out in the studio, straining so hard that his face turns red, beads of sweat appearing on his pasty skin, clutching the microphone with his pudgy, sausage-like fingers as though it was made of solid gold. I'm guessing that he couldn't think of any more SOD songs to rip off, so he stole an idea from Anthrax and wrote a song about Judge Dredd.
It's hard to even know where to start LOLing... there's so much to work with that it's kind of overwhelming!!
"Don't Feed the Bears" – 1:03 A lot of people like this one, it doesn't do much for me. Just a kind of boring and unremarkable novelty tune (did I just describe Billy Milano's career?).
"Ballad of Dio" – 0:11 Oh I get it, it's funny because the song is so short and the lyrics are mean!! Just like "Ballad of Jimi Hendrix!" Ha ha ha!! Man, these guys don't take anything seriously, do they?! What a bunch of characters!
"Thrash or be Thrashed" – 0:51 Add this one to the thrash metal checklist: Song about moshing. Specifically, a warning to new jacks about the potential dangers associated with moshing.
"Let Me Out" – 1:39 Dumb. Nobody cares about Billy Milano's feelings. Boring song.
"Bubble Butt" – 0:43 After a few not-so-good songs, here comes this fucking gem!! Of course I must point out of the obvious absurdity of a tubby little man like Billy Milano criticizing anybody's physique, but that's beside the point. What makes this song so great is that it's a simple chant that you and your friends can get into whenever you see a fat chick. Like when Skullkrusher and I were at the mall once and I saw a fattie, I just said "Bubble butt, bubble butt!" and he finished with "She's so fat!" and we had a good laugh. Another time I was at the mall with some of my friends, and some girl walked past us (we could only see her back). He said, "Hey, what's up?" She turned around and had a hideous face, so he laughed and said "Never mind!" He ended up being in one of the later incarnations of Integrity.
"You're Beat" – 2:15 This song is dumb, too. Like a boring, uncatchy version of "Kill Yourself."
"Bushwackateas" – 0:19 I still have no idea what this song is about! It sounds vaguely racist, but the lyrics are so cryptic that I really can't be sure. But I used to think about this turd named Ryan Matlock that was a Brother's Keeper groupie every time I heard the line, "Nice ears, you look like an elf." You see, he had big ears. I can only hope that the people at whatever menial job he has now call him "Radar."
"Man of Your Dreams" – 3:40 I had to look this one up, because even though it's one of the longest songs on the album, I didn't remember it at all. Then I remembered it was a song about Freddy Krueger. How original!! I imagine Scott Ian feeling like the older brother does when the younger brother copies everything he does. Like if you get a skateboard, and your little bro makes his own out of an ironing board and rollerskate wheels and follows you around all over the place. Not only does he get it all wrong, it's embarrassing for everybody involved, but you don't tell him to stop because you know how bad it would hurt his feelings. But you know Scott must have been like, "Dude... you gotta find your own voice... we already did the Freddy thing. At least write about Jason."
"That Noise" – 0:13 Funny when SOD did it, lame when MOD did it (I know, you might as well say that about Billy Milano's entire career after "Stormtroopers of Death"). I'm sure Alex Perialis was tickled to death.
"Dead Men/Most/Captain Crunch" – 3:30 Yet another example of Billy Milano mercilessly flogging SOD's material. "Milk" was mildly amusing, but the joke was over after that. Apparently he didn't notice, though, and chose to trot it out again. Ha ha, isn't it funny that a thrash band wrote a song about cereal?! How whimsical! What an ironic contrast to the angry, aggressive nature of their music!
"Jim Gordon" – 2:39 Never got into this one, but I was never really into the whole obsession with serial killers and stuff. Probably because my dad worked in a prison for 25 years and we talked about murder and arson over dinner since as long as I can remember, so the novelty factor wasn't there.
"Imported Society" – 1:46 I think they should have called this song "Speak English or Die." Oh wait! How about, "Stealing Scott Ian's Ideas, A Book By Billy Milano?"
"Spandex Enormity" – 5:27 If we can put aside for a moment the absurdity of MOD groupies, much less the idea that some of them would not be disgusting blobs, this song is one of the best on the album. "Don't talk to me, talk to Nick!" "You fucking fat bitch, I've had enough of you!" Great song, but does it really need to be five-and-a-half fucking minutes long?!
"Short But Sweet" – 0:06 File under "Recycled, stale SOD material."
"Parents" – 1:39 Boring, don't care. Liked the Descendents song "Parents" better.
"Confusion"/"You're X'ed" – 2:48 (written by The Faith) Boring, don't care part II.
"A.I.D.S." – 2:00 Possibly even more ignorant and shocking than "Aren't You Hungry" because unlike the title track, which I'm sure is a joke, there's a good possibility this one is sincere. Either way, it still manages to be pretty fucking offensive in the 2K9, which is no mean feat.
"Ruptured Nuptuals" – 0:13 I love this one! It's so simple yet it says so much: "You broke your vows, you dirty bitch, I'll kick you in your cunt!" It has that kind of hard-hitting directness that makes me love Death Threat so much: "I know no other way to take the pain. Instead of trying to make things better, I get fucked up everyday." Or when Dismember called their album "Death Metal." You don't know what else to do but shrug and nod as if to say, "Well, yeah, that's death metal all right..."
"Ode to Harry" – 1:31 Another novelty song. Mildly amusing, xenophobic lyrics, but not good enough to make me like the song. Whew, I'm getting fucking sick of writing about this band! Why are there so many goddamn songs on this record? I'm never doing another retroview like this.
"Hate Tank" – 2:20 When you see it coming, the shit runs down your leg! Good way to finish the album strong, especially after a stinker like "Ode to Harry." Also, any song with a reference to The Love Boat is OK in my book. I would be really excited if any readers can point to examples of thrash songs about some of my other favorite shows like Riptide, Simon & Simon, 21 Jump Street and CHiPs. For some reason I feel like Stikky had a song about CHiPs, but I may be wrong. Do kids under 25 or so know what CHiPs is? If not, it's a sad day for humanity. I love that show! I used to get up at 7AM on my summer vacation when I was 15 or 16 to watch reruns of it and Charlie's Angels every morning. And by the way, Skullkrusher looks and acts a lot like Officer Francis Llewelyn "Ponch" Poncharello.
This is the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of the universe. They invented the Nocturnus time machine specifically to destroy everything associated with this video!
Closing thoughts Fuck, that was torturous! What do you guys think of this format? It's a lot of work, but I feel like it does the best job of truly diving into a classic release like "USA For MOD." I definitely don't want to do it for just any album, but for the right record, I think it's worth it. Maybe next time I will do a track-by-track review of Nocturnus "The Key" and/or "Thresholds"? There is certainly plenty of material there! Maybe I can help to explain the finer points of "Enter the Droids" for you simpletons and new jacks.
