NEW YORKMENT keep it fuckin slam

I have never been in a band, but if I was going to start one, it would be exactly like my new favorite up and coming wigger slam band, NEW YORKMENT. With song titles like "Pit Riffment," "Slam the Gorebong," and "Ingorging Ingorgity," I knew I would love them before I heard the first note. Thanks to Matt from NJ's finest, Kalopsia, for the tip!


Instead of trying to describe them myself, I will use the words of one of their fans instead:

"Yo fuck tha haters. NEW YORKMENT is da real deal. Serious broz, serious music. East Coast new wave of death slam in full effect. NEW YORKMENT, WITHOUT REMORSE, REVENANCE" - Chrissy Wormgutzz

Be sure to check them out on Myspace because I hear they are working on setting up some shows with a bunch of sick bands like Deregorged Necrogorger, Cumtopsy and Ungorge Ingorgity of Ingorgement (sorry, they're too underground for Myspace but I am sure you'll be hearing more about them soon!).

I also agree with their feelings on crappy old bands like Carcass, Repulsion and Iron Maiden. It is refreshing to hear someone tell it like it is. As far as I am concerned, Repulsion and Terrorizer are about as brutal as Fleetwood Mac or Wings, and if you think they are the pinnacle of death metal, you are probably old enough to get the AARP discount on the salad bar at Rax. I am much more interested in guttural slamming brutality like Cemetery Rapist, Malignant Rupture and NJDOTS and cutting edge labels like Fuck The Ass Records that are pushing the envelope with bands like New Yorkment. Crappy old school fossil rockers like Morbid Angel wouldn't know a gravity blast or bass drop if it slammed their ass across the pit.

NO PUSSY ASSED OLDSCHOOL BULLSHIT!! FUCK OLD METAL IRON MAIDEN N MOTERHEAD IS UNBRUTAL SHITTY DINOSAUR METAL!!!!!

If the words of their fans aren't enough to convince you, maybe this testimonial from legendary Japanese wigger slammers Vomit Remnants will persuade you:

""me likey likey. good slammin NYDM shit! i'm glad my boys in dying fetus told me to check this band out!" -Keisuke from Vomit Remnants

NECROTIC ENBLUGEONER, AND MORE PIT CRUSHING SLAMNESS!!!!!

Ask me about killing black metallers

When I lived in Cleveland in the late 90s, there was a crazy Russian kid that used to wear a black baseball hat that just said "DEATH METAL" on it in big white letters to all the shows. I think he had it made at the mall or something. I thought that was really cool, but one day he took it one step further and arrived at a Nunslaughter/Malignancy show wearing a shirt in the same style, only this time it said "ASK ME ABOUT KILLING BLACK METALLERS."


I'm not really sure what the point of this story was. In the same way that I admired the straightforward title of Dismember's 1999 album "Death Metal," I guess I just admired his commitment to death metal. Like him, I was angry and confused by black metal. I didn't know why anybody would rather listen to screeching banshees wailing about trolls and vikings over repetitive, trebly guitars when they could be jamming to Pyrexia or Baphomet. I still don't. Not when there are great bands out there like Cemetery Rapist.

Anyway, I don't know what happened to that guy, but if you know him, please tell him that I would like to ask him about killing black metallers.