Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Belgium's Finest




"Belgium's Finest", the phrase alone brings great images to mind. Belgium, is great at so many things. Belgium is great at easily being invaded by the Germans, they are also great at putting mayo on their fries ("frites" as they call them) and great at developing horrible bands like Front 242. Just as bad, if not worse than being invaded by Germany, is the Belgian band Agathocles. In case you don't know, Agathocles is a band who are best known for putting out more records than the number of hair plugs in Kirk Hammett's head. And that's a whole lot.



This is what the band Agathocles looks like. If you need to have any leaking faucets or electrical work done around your house, now you know who to call.




Putting that aside, Belgium is also home to one of the greatest cyclists of all time, Eddy Merckx. Here we see Merckx posing with US Secretary of State Condaleezza Rice. According to most Belgians, Eddy Merckx is so great that his urine can cure lepers, and his farts smell of fine cinnamon and mint. By comparison, Agathocles records make you feel worst than if you were a leper and also smell like farts.


Notice her happy smile, that's because she just caught a whiff of one of his potent, but pleasant farts.



But there's more to Belgium than cycling and putting mayo on fries. I know this, because I was there in the 90s. I remember the abandoned rollerskating rink that the band I was in played (thanks to the thirty six people who showed up by the way.) But these are all merely sidenotes. Why? Because the most important and relevant product that the entire country has, however, must be the band Hell Injection. See for yourself.



Fat shut-in guitar player? Check. Biohazard wanna-be singer? Check. Creepy tag along/roadie who just sits there during band practice and "feels the vibes"? Check.




What does this awful Photoshop collage signify? Is it in honor to all his dead homies? Is he sad because Agathocles is putting out another split 7" record? We'll never know.



There's always the one dude in the band who's girlfriend always tags along. Just like Yoko, she's gonna' break up the band. By the way, she hates her boyfriend so much (the singer) that he refers to having sex with him as him giving her a "Hell Injection".




You're not Joey Ramone? Oh, okay...that's good. Can I beat your face with your stupid bass then?

37 comments:

  1. A- you phoned this one in

    B- Agathocles is fuckin rad and the fact that you call them as lame as Kirk Hammetts hairplugs,yet wear kneepads for lame shit like Suicide Silence, makes you goofy as someone who asks for cheese in a taco truck burrito

    estupido!

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  2. You were really drunk when you wrote this. You sound bitter. Did you get dumped or lose alot of money gambling?

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  3. yes, have to agree with what's said below. Agathocles is tha shit & btw: everyone in their right mind knows that quantity is more important than quality when it comes to grindcore.

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  4. quality of post is makin for weak lately- but you show good potential so keep up shit

    maybe sometime you stop being lazy guys and even make funnys worth reading or something,ok?

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  5. I second all the above. A pathetic excuse for a proper post. AG reign supreme in the budget grindcore stakes.

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  6. Matthew (another one)November 11, 2009 at 7:37 AM

    After All is about the only decent band to come out of Belgium.

    And, Anonymous, about the grindcore "quantity is more important than quality" schtick - that's BS. Only Napalm Death have been able to churn out a big back catalogue that's mostly listenable.

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  7. AG wre good like 15 years ago but now they are only putting out split releases with live concerts from 89 in shitty quality.SO FUCK THEM!

    and no After All is not the best thing that came out of belgium:
    LENGTH OF TIME
    ARKANGEL

    are the best things that came out of belgium!

    and the posts are not that funny anymore so please make fun of black metal docuhes again thas what makes me laugh everytime.

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  8. Dont pay heed to these whining eurogrind naysayers. This is exactly the kind of Lucho post I signed up for, way back in 08, before you started doing all that weepy, reflective shit about childhood metal whimsey.

    Bit short though. Surely Belgium has more turkeys to offer up than these 2 sad collesctions of balding plumbers.

    Good to see you havent completely abandoned M.I.
    Its been all about Sgt.Crunk for ages now.

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  9. ReallyGood@WoundingNovember 11, 2009 at 9:15 AM

    Best thing out of Belgium? Uhh, good beer?

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  10. gotta love the trifecta of sunglasses indoors in that first pic of hell injection.

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  11. the fags are out in force

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  12. wow, you guys are incredibly bitchy...but also perceptive. yeah, perhaps i didn't spend as much time on this one as i have with past posts. some of those took foreeeeeverrrrr to write. i'll keep trying, but it's hard. as i've explained in the past, metal is not really part of my everyday life, so i have to go looking around the internet for inspiration. aside from that, all i would write about would be how i like obituary albums that are now 15 years old or something. as far as beer being good, i though someone would mention that. i don't drink so i wouldn't know. who knew that saying that an Agathocles record would be as bad as being a leper would get people hurt. oh well, you can't win them all. at the end of the day, you're still getting free entertainment.

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  13. Mayo on fries is pretty normal in most parts of Europe. And its really tasty as well.
    Belgian beer is good as well, but lets face it: The only thing Belgium is *really* famous for are pedophiles. Sad but true. Who cares for grindcore anyway?

    And btw: You guys really got lazy. Lazy and unfunny.

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  14. Ahhh, fuck the whiners, every post can't be 100% pure comedic gold, ya know? On a serious note, however, might it be possible to perhaps archive some of the older posts? It's taking forever for your main page to load these days.

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  15. Lucho, you forgot that Dwid Hellion expatriated to Belgium after that horrible Integ2000 release. Inspiration for Hell Injection?

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  16. eating mayonaise on fries is like eating fudge on a steak- fucking gross,mayonaise is disgusting as hell

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  17. I think lucho was banking on the fact the the hells injection pictures would speak for themselves... and they diffently did, hilarious!
    isnt AG called mincecore? wtf is that ?
    Belgium waffles, belgian beer, Flemish, Belgium Chocolate, Jean-Claude Van Damme, he played guiles in the street fighter movie are all noteworthy things that came out of the capital of the european union.

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  18. Respect for Agathocles, motherfuckers!

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  19. Fear Factory is now from belgium, well Christian Olde Wolbers is and since he and the singer kicked the fat mexican out, FF are half belgian. Not that we asked for that. Quite funny that so many people actually now AGx, the did release some good stuff. And Lucho, you must have come across some H8000 hardcore releases when you were in hardcorebands playing over here in the nineties. Some of that was very good, like Congress.
    Rise & Fall are pretty rad, stil keeping up that metalcore style.
    And I mentionded this somewhere before but check out ACID an early eighties Belgian metal band.

    On a different note, it was a Belgian scientist who coined the term 'Big Bang', I've got the idea MI is heading towards the 'Big crunch'...

    and mayo is good, on everything, ketchup stinks it's just coloured, slimey, tasteless, goo...

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  20. In the meantime, the singer and the fat mexican are back and kicked out the belgian and the other mexican. Right now, FF is half mexican ;-)

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  21. You should have looked in their "custom-made artwork" album. That shit is gold.

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  22. I just checked the band in metal archives and I saw the cover of their only demo (though it looks more like a flyer). I can't believe that in 2009 there still are bands saying they play TRASH metal instead of THRASH (same in their myspace site).
    BTW Lucho, maybe the reason why you don't care about metal anymore is that when you look for new, refreshing bands you end up finding boring bands like this one.

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  23. AG is such an easy target that this one was a disappointment Their bass player killed himself because he was in agathocles. Their split 7"s are cheaper quality than wild rags releases. Everything they release is mastered off of third generation cassette tapes. They got dropped by Morbid Records. They probably never got paid for any of their pro-recorded albums because they deal with known ripoffs like Morbid and Displeased. They might have a dozen masters sitting on shelves because of DIY record labels who lost interest after a month.

    And the other band has one demo.

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  24. matthew: the thing is, most of the songs on "from enslavement..." (for example) sound basically the same, and that's probably no coincidence. Grindcore is not supposed to be full of variety but rather full of the same energy song after song - or that is how I percieve it anyway. The same applies for awesome bands like Incantation etc etc. That's why I really respect Agathocles, not that they're the best grind band araound, but they've been doing this for so fucking long and are always up for doing another shitty 7 inch with whatever crap band. Back in the days when i was playing grind i used to e-mail Jan in AG and he always replied with kind words and was really supportive. And I even say horns up to the fact that they look like complete morons!

    ...am I the only one who found this post quite funny btw, even though I disagree with the AG-thing?

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  25. fear factory is now 3 big fat guys (dino,gene,and the bass guy) and that singer..so they should call themselves fat factory

    who said anything about ketchup? just because ketchup sucks doesnt make mayonaise suck any less.

    mayonaise is totally fucking gross. period.

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  26. Once again, I don't know/care about these bands, but I still thought this post was funny.

    And I miss eating fries with mayo.
    That's right.
    Even though a lot of the time, I find mayo absolutely disgusting, but something about being in Europe made it good.

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  27. Speaking as a Belgian, I feel that Lucho could have gotten more comedy out of Belgium and its export products - I'm mainly thinking about ├╝berboring chuggachugga metalcore. Search the nets and you'll find at least equally cringeworthy as Hell Injection.

    Also: Length of Time, Arkangel and all that stuff suck. Gimme Chemical Breath and Caducity anytime!

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  28. I mean bands that suck as much as Hell Injection. Me don't speak English at home.

    Pedophiles were way in the mid nineties by the way. Then we had mass food poisoning and recently we had banks going broke.

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  29. Time to send out those refunds.

    What a bunch of whiny babies.

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  30. quality has dropped indeed, maybe pass metal inquisition to the readers. here clearly, the comments were funnier than the half-assed piece...

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  31. If this was supposed to be funny you kind of failed. Geert hoste, a Belgian 'comedian', is funnier than you...

    As for Belgian bands that are worth mentioning: what about Aborted or Channel Zero?

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  32. You fuckers are all forgeting the best belgium bands, the bands that made belgium to be respected back in the day. Acid, Cyclone, Black Shepherd, Killer, and Ostrogoth

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  33. Hell Injection
    That's Ruben singing. He's is/was a lot into Suicidal and looked almost exactly like Mike Clark.
    Danny Filth once came up to him and asked for an autograph....which he signed :)

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