Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Introducing: Budget Italian Power Metal

A gregarious bunch of leather daddies or a budget Italian power metal band? You decide!


I know that making fun of Italian metal is easy. It's like when the two inbred main characters have sex with the retarded girl in Gummo. It's almost too easy, but I just can't help myself. See, a while back the Sarge introduced us to the world of budget slam metal, perhaps best exemplified by Artery Eruption, and now I'd like to introduce you to the kings of budget Italian power metal--Kaledon. These Roman warriors have displayed an undying allegiance to all things lo-fi and low-budget that has left them unchallenged atop the steaming pile of shit that is budget Italian power metal.



Here we see the crowd (all two of them) going wild as Kaledon performs their smash hit "Spirit of the Dragon." A force of nature, Kaledon is best experienced live as the sheer sonic force of their performances have been credited with causing at least a half dozen suicides across the Lazio region.



This reminds me of the kind of picture I would expect to see hanging up in the dining room of any number of my Italian family members. You see Italian dining rooms are not actually meant for dining, they're more for show. That's where you display all the wonderful useless shit you got at your wedding 30 years ago like your gigantic china closet filled with fine china you never use--you know, the good stuff--along with your crystal and your special silverware (the kind that's actually made of silver). You'll usually also find an enormous dining table covered in a gawdy white lace tablecloth some grandmother spent a lifetime making. If your Italian family is anything like mine then the dining table chairs are probably hermetically sealed in plastic and will never be exposed to the elements. And no matter how big of a loser he may be, an Italian mother will always be proud of her son because he is her pride and joy and so she will have several photo albums worth of embarassing pictures of him and she will gladly display a picture from his first communion right next to the picture he took with his friends out near the Roman Aqueduct while dressed like a gang of child molesting Renaissance fairies in a gigantic gold plated frame. Mama is especially proud of that 12 inch boner you're smuggling in your leather pants.



More often than not "serious musicians" are all business, but not the ragazzi of Kaledon! It's refreshing to see that the boys can just as easily spend a day relaxing in the studio, joking around and having a good time instead of spending hours carefully trimming their facial hair while their little sister repeatedly bangs on the bathroom door because she has to pee and dad yells to finish jerking off and get out of the bathroom because he has to take a shit.

One thing you could never accuse Kaledon of doing is progressing. Just look at the cover of their debut album, Legend of the Forgotten Reign - Chapter 1: The Destruction.



Now take a look at the cover of their most recent album, 2008's Legend of the Forgotten Reign - Chapter 5: A New Era Begins.



From the unforgettable amateur paintbrush to the utterly forgettable amateur computer illustration, Kaledon is never content to rest on their laurels. They've never let their complete and utter lack of talent stop them before so why start now?

I'd like to leave you with what I think is the most compelling piece of evidence in the case for Kaledon's budget Italian power metal supremacy--the music video for their hit single "The New Kingdom." I could spend days tearing apart every frame, but instead let me just point out how proud they are of their packages as we once again see a band member proudly displaying his manhood in his way-too-tight white linen pants. It's impossible not to notice the tremendously low production values of this video, but it's obvious that the men of Kaledon make up for what they lack financially with their boundless enthusiasm for their horrible music. It's hard not to admire that kind of dedication. Against all odds and good sense, Kaledon endures and to that I must say--forza, Kaledon!



As an added bonus for our Italian speaking readers enjoy this equally retarded parody video:

57 comments:

  1. the ralph lauren hoodie is metal as fuck

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  2. I saw them live this summer - on stage, they're quite entertaining. Then I saw the video.

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  3. When I find some spare time I shall write to you people about the Power Metal Axis (of Italy and Germany that is) that kept us Greeks detached from the rest of the metal world.

    The underground was working pretty well, but some styles of the mainstream were put down by the power metal gestapo, and other simply passed as by. In situations like this, a subculture should block its borders immediately and try to make a progress of its own. Unfortunately we are mainly followers in this, so in times before the internets and with these two countries as exemplars, we didn't had a chance.

    Thank you for your condolences.

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  4. Just take any World War II history text and change the words "Axis", "Germany", "Italy" and "Japan" with "Power metal", then "air-raid sirens" with "high-pitched vocals", to clear things up a little more.

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  5. It makes sense, Physcos. Germany had a huge power metal scene which eventually became oktoberfest-gay-power metal. Italy wanted its own share and unleashed Rhapsody and the like. Bands from both nations got success in Japan. And they all suck compared to american and uk metal bands, just like WWII Germany & Italy & Japan which deserved their bashing. So metal is history, it's holistic, just looking at metal you learn history, or the other way round, I'm not sure.

    Bullshit aside, I'd like a Metal Inquisition post about the most horrible band of all time - Italy's Skylark. Keep in mind that when a magazine or webzine thrashes (and trashes) Skylark's albums, Skylark's leader yells at'em like a ravishing madman. And it's fun as hell. Because he's an idiot.

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  6. Not even a thank-you note, you fuckers! I remember leaving a comment with the link to the "New Kingdom" video a while back.

    Oh well, cheers for the offering anyway: had me roaring with laughter. Good stuff as usual.

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  7. hahahaha...sorry, basta! i knew i'd read about KALEDON somewhere, but i couldn't remember where because it was so long ago. we don't mind giving credit where credit's due!

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  8. the white linen suit!

    AHHHHHH!

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  9. Kaledon's wikipedia entry is definitely worth a browse...

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  10. Ahahahah man.. I actually have the dining room chairs sealed in plastic... and you know what? I'm italian... oh my god...

    Anyway, the metal music here is not all shit... for example, I consider Disarmonia Mundi an hell of a band: but, yeah, I agree that those budget Rhapsody-like power metal bands don't deserve to exist (not even to laugh at them).

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  11. Physcos, I agree totally with you that the Greek underground scene is alive and well (having seen, for example, Battleroar at a festival in Germany) but not the point you make about the "mainstream" being put down. I would say that Firewind managed to achieve success despite the "Power Metal Axis" you refer to. Other Greek non-power metal bands that have done rather well outside Greece (considering the size of the country and metal scene when compared to Italy and Germany) are Rotting Christ and Septic Flesh. Personally, I doubt the conspiracy theory somewhat.

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  12. everytime i read this blog i laugh out loud, cry and get angry as fuck. Not a bad thing don't you agree..anyway most of italians are so supergay (not the mob) i've been there once..not going back..italian foods overrated..people are so arrogant..and i'm not being racist..they just suck

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  13. You can't say food in Italy is overrated... I must agree that italians are not good people but you can't say that the food is bad!! I travelled a lot.. We have the best fucking food in the fucking world... it's not just some general belief, it's the truth, pure and simple... where did you go eat? Under some bridge?? Was the waiter some yellow guy with thin eyes??

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  14. Dig Italian Serj Tankian all the way to the right.

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  15. Fuck Italy...italian metal has always been in "Serie B" ;-)

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  16. Look, I agree that Italian metal sucks. As a proud Italian it pains me to say that, but it's the truth. Compared to other European countries, Italian metal is a sad beast. Food, on the other hand, is the one thing you cannot fuck with when it comes to Italians. We can't win wars, we can't write good metal songs, and our postal system blows, but we make the best food in the world!

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  17. @Anonymous
    no pizza?

    @Matt

    I'm just being sarcastic and exaggerated, presenting the truth as seen from another dimension let's say.

    You see back in time when there was that lame version of the Internet, geography did play a major part in the shaping of the metal markets. It was mandatory for all those small Italian and German labels with low budgets to plan tours for their bands as close as possible, and that meant Spain and Greece. Greek magazines were filled with ads from these labels, there was a well organized promotion going on.

    All this thing about being troo, I think it came from power metal first, back in the day when black metallers were still being just grim, norsk and arisk. Well, you could call this thing propaganda in a way, it had to do with ideology and affected teenagers (OK they weren't Nazis!).

    Seeing things from my perspective, it is easy to understand why bands like Iced Earth achieved major success in continental Europe way before they make it in their own country. The market was ready to accept some saviours from the States. They were keeping the flame alive by just stealing metallica riffs and keeping their hair long, if you know what I mean.

    It still amazes me that Rhapsody had that lawsuit about their name after a whole decade of doing business in the south of Europe. I guess the world was leaving them do their thing as long as they were staying in their time capsule. The issue occurred only when Myspace and the likes came forth.

    That's all. I just didn't like power metal back then, because it was mainstream in a way over here and there were dorks everywhere singing their godawful ballads. (If i wanted cheesy refrains and keyboards, there were other genres out there, I wasn't feeling like i was betraying something, you know) I was just waiting patiently for this trend to end, just like many Americans coping with nu metal ten years ago. When the trend ended and former true warriors were leaving beards while listening to Isis, I was checking those Gamma rays and Blind guardians to see if there was anything worthy, but this time sober minded hehe.

    So, when i was referring to the Power Metal Axis, I wasn't meaning that the Greek power metallers were being held down or something, but more like "God, this is ten times worse than Coal Chamber, I wish nu metallers were touring my land, I wish I was England"


    And if there's anything, Greece goes down in History for a share in 90's black metal and another one in 00's death metal (and some wigger slam, according to someone). No Power.

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  18. Coming from a Sicilian family, I got a hearty chuckle from your description of the Typical Italian Dining Room. That was my Nana's dining room, to a "T"! We weren't even allowed to eat in there!
    Nice job all around. GHB and MI: constantly uncovering the sad truth about modern metal. Prego.

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  19. Yep, our prime minister deflorates teens, but you can't be wrong with our food ;-)

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  20. In a world where pornogrind and deathcore are considered the next wave of metal, I'm glad someone somewhere is playing metal like this. I never thought I'd ever express such sentiments but damned if that's not what wigger slam does to a guy.

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  21. Damn, I wish I would've sought them out when I lived in Italy. That's some hot shit there.

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  22. "I'm glad someone somewhere is playing metal like this"

    We have the "there's some shit behind us, let's move forward" mentality of the New World and the "there's some great stuff behind us, we will never get anywhere close, let's just imitate and move backwards" mentality of the Old World, keeping each other from going too far. Times are changing though, and I am too young to have a clue of where we're heading so I'm going to give a listen to the new Varathron album and I'm taking my broken English with me. But before I go I'll check if there are any Cristina Scabbia posts in here. Viva Italia.

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  23. Check out the little Italian Lars Ulrich in the middle of the first picture. They're both short and play drums. I wonder if Italian Lars also keeps losing the beat like Meg White on horse tranquilizers as Danish Lars does.

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  24. Name Not ApplicableOctober 13, 2009 at 5:03 PM

    If you're interested, you can download all their albums for free Here.

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  25. I am a huge power metal fan and I loved this post! And GHB, I don't think Italian metal is all that bad. They have some good legitimate 80's dinosaur metal bands like Dark Quarterer and Adramelch even though they aren't the type of band Metal Inquisition Scribes would champion.

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  26. first and foremost: the "dragon" on the cover of the 1st album is hilarious as fuck! i cant stop laughing!

    2ndly, the only time i have been outside of the USA besides Canada (if that counts) was to go to Italy. The food was out of this world. I have never tasted tomatoes with that much flavor. seriously some of the best food ive ever had.

    Ive said this before on here...while Italian metal sucks total ass, Italian hardcore fucking rules. Negazione, Wretched, Indigesti, Raw Power...ALL amazing influetial bands.

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  27. Could you please do an interview with Rhapsody (Of Fire, as they are now known)? I'm sure that would be quite sweet, their wikipedia entry says something about a lawsuit with Joey DeMaio they had recently...

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  28. Ummm,I am confused about italian power metal after seeing this. Even the spanish power metal bands seem rock stars. OMG.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5Ni-wrFwVs

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94kyNMfW-R8

    I was a power metal kid 6 or 7 years ago and I played in two or three bands that were real CRAP. Yes, I was a euro-blind guardian fan.

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  29. Hey, I grew up on Blind Guardian! Still think they're awesome, especially when you're totally drunk in a club with 5 guys who can all sing Mirror Mirror by heart! To the music, that is, just singing it without any reason would be quite lame, actually...
    My dreams of a Rhapsody interview will go unfullfilled, it seems they're on hiatus or something.

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  30. This was a beautiful post. I remember as a child sneaking into my grandmother's dining room to gaze at the rack of fine china no one had ever dared dine on and the table with the white cloth exactly as you described that no one had ever eaten on.

    Did you Italian family have a parlor used twice a year and never again also?

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  31. Physcos - katalaba k sumfonw apoluta! Greece has made a big contribution to black metal and bands like Iced Earth have been elevated to God-like status in the country. Think even Manowar probably tour in Europe more than they do in the US..

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  32. Ahahah can't stop laughing...I know the guy that painted the "amateur" cover of "2008's Legend of the Forgotten Reign - Chapter 5: A New Era Begins." . He is so proud of this work...
    Kaledon are one of the shitty power metal bands that infest our country(oh sorry, I forgot to mention that I'm Italian),but there are some bands that kick ass! Stormlord(where the midget drummer of Kaledon plays) or Domine.

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  33. Helldorado, what about Doomsword or Battleram? Great Italian bands!

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  34. ...and Dark Quarterer? and parody legends, Nanowar?!

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  35. Mille Petrozza and the Cavalera brothers are of Italian origin, so I guess we should give some extra points for this?! Just trying to help, people!

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  36. @Matt: You're right, great nads indeed!!...I choose to be sinthetic :D

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  37. Two giants with three normal dudes, or two normal dudes with three Italians? You decide.

    As far as the sympho cheesefest goes, this ain't half bad, though. The drummer's got chops. Too bad the singer blows what little liras he has at Massimo Dutti and has to get his underage cousin Fabrizio to do their artwork.

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  38. Kill all those fucking Helloween-wannabes, i hate fucking power-metal, what fucking power is there in it ? it's impotent metal ! Riff salad, wanking, and gay singing all the way thru ! And...fucking KEYBOARDS !!! How come those lame asses try have been trying to make Keeper part III since two decades ??? It smells bad !!!

    Italy, bad ??? Heard of EVOL ???
    Ciao agli nostri cugini d'oltre Alpi di un Francese.

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  39. "Great Nads" HAHAHAHAHA! ooops!

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  40. Italian metal is awful, but in my opinion, the country gets a pass for giving the world the travel-size Elvis, Glenn Anzalone. Yeah, I know he's a punchline today, but he wrote basically everything on the Misfits' first three albums, every Samhain album, and the first four Danzig albums and all of those albums are monsters. Yeah, they're all beyond cheesy and hopelessly embarrassing, but that's what makes them so amazing.


    That's all I have to say, really. That and "Great nads, indeed!"

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  41. about the food thing: i'm not saying it's not good or taste afwul. i'm saying it's overrated: meaning people giving it to much credit! Just look at the asian foods; so much more different flavours and so much more sophisticated..blah blah..i know i can't win from italians..that's one of their problems..they think they are the best at everything..they have not heard of self-mockery..fuck 'em i'm off to the noodle restaurant

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  42. TAKE YR NOODLES AND SHOVE EM UP YOUR NADS!!

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  43. Fuck off asian foods...I can't stand the chinese after I saw how they tear apart alive dogs and torture bears...a huge FUCK OFF, really.

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  44. necromass, sadist, monumentum, necrodeath, bulldozer, dungeon...that's italian metal !

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  45. i must have missed the point of time when the term "power metal" came to be used for describing horrible bands like this. in the eighties/ early nineties, power metal bands for me were bands like metal church, savatage, helstar etc., good bands that were too heavy to count as "heavy metal", but not heavy enough to be considered thrash.
    on another note, the stoner/psych/doom rock scene in Italy is really amazing. there are so many good bands (ufomammut, alix, malasangre, that's all folks, deadpeach, colt.38, l'ira del baccano, paul chain just to name a few) it is unbelievable. guess the weed grows nicely under the mediterranean sun.

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  46. mortuary drape (lolfunyclothes I know), early death ss, black hole, paul chain, the black and that's just from the top of my head. great fucking stuff from Italy.

    on the other hand italy has lots of faggy non-powermetal too, Stormlord figure prominently. the biggest doucheband since Mystic Circle (Ger) (who hopped on ALL trends and failed at all of them, and on whom you need to do a feature, or maybe on the German label Last Episode more generally: some of THE GAYEST 90s trying-real-hard black metal to be found there).

    taste this German douche-steel:

    http://www.spirit-of-metal.com/les%20goupes/M/Mystic%20Circle/pics/3.jpg

    http://www.spirit-of-metal.com/membre_groupe/photo/Beelzebub-7208.jpg

    http://www.spirit-of-metal.com/membre_groupe/photo/Ezpharres-7209.jpg

    do it. also there was a ton of hilarious promo pics of this band that seem to slowly 'disappear' from the net. if anybody has them, please post! one had the singer with two Labradors, EVIL fucking family dogs. I shit you not, prime MI material..

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  47. Adramelch was great, that is what italian power metal should look like. "blue colar power metal" style.

    I leaned to avoid Mystic Circle early, thanks to the split 7" with Blood. The photos were much more ridiculous than those ones; you could tell they were 15 years old back then. They should have waited until they were 16 like Emperor. but this is off-topic because MC is not italian.

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  48. here's one of the photos in question, they wasted a pro-printed insert on this. It would have looked less embarassing if it was a photocopy

    http://www.discogs.com/image/R-836669-1249627111.jpeg

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  49. That Kaledon video has Enrique Iglesias written all over it.

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  50. agreed about Adramelch, well put. and cheers for the Mystic Circle pic. I never tire of them. sorry for derailing this a bit then, I just feel this band is one of the many 90s gems that really deserve the MI treatment.

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  51. Next time you happen in Italy call me, I have a fucking HUGE collection of terrible Italian metal demos, we made a race on who could get the worse, and man, you have to hear some of these.

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  52. www.chna.webs.com

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  53. Dante from Clerks is playing keyboard???!

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