Friday, October 9, 2009

Where is the double bass on the drums: Vintage Roadrunner hate mail

Some posts just write themselves, like yesterday's on Stuff You Will Hate about BOSS' Crabcore pedal. Such is also the case with this collection of "interesting" letters received by Roadrunner about 5 years ago and passed on to us by a secret source that we will simply call "Green Rage." Please thank him/her and enjoy this rare treat!

Click on any of the images to see a full-size version that you can actually read.


This fucking dipshit is an asshole of the highest order, but what's much worse is that he's not funny. In this letter he pretends to think there is a defect with the CD they sent him FOR FREE and says the singer for Cradle of Filth sounds like a girl. Here is how I would probably react: Har har, real funny, you sure taught me a lesson about how lame I am for sending free stuff to people like you. You couldn't just silently throw it away like everyone else who doesn't like it, you had to rub it in my face. Your time is clearly priceless, other than the hours you spent writing this letter and patting yourself on the back for being so clever. How about this you motherfucker, I know where your fucking kids go to school and they get out in 10 minutes- think you can get there faster than I can? Why aren't you laughing anymore??



In this letter, some gimp/mongo begs Roadrunner to send him a Slipknot CD out of pity for his disability. True to form for someone who is asking for a handout, he is not only asking for a favor but has very specific demands regarding how the favor should be done: "CDS LPS ONLY NO SINGLES. IF 2 VERSIONS SEND EXPLICIT LYRIC VERSION. IF ONLY ONE VERSION SEND IT." It's kind of like when I told Olga Kurylenko she should pity-fuck me after the ATM ate my debit card, then said "MISSIONARY/REVERSE COWGIRL ONLY NO HANDJOBS. IF 2 ORIFICES USE BUTTHOLE. IF ONLY ONE ORIFICE USE IT."


If you ever did a zine, traded tapes, or otherwise corresponded with Euros by mail in the 80s/90s, this letter will sound all too familiar. Some German weirdo is pitching them on the idea of opening some Roadrunner stores in Europe. But that's not all! He adds that "When a Roadrunner Band is on Tour or the Roadrunner Roadrage Tour is across Europe this Band or Bands make a Autographbreak on the Local Roadrunner Store so Fans can get closer to their Idols." It sounds to me like he has fully considered this idea and I cannot imagine why Roadrunner did not jump at the chance to immediately engage him as VP Retail Development, Roadrunner Europe. Then he could give the gimp from above a job and kill two birds with one stone!


Now this letter is refreshing! He's not being a dickbag whiner, asking for free shit, or an annoying Euro, he's just a Roadrunner fan who is understandably concerned about the direction the label started taking around this time (1995ish). As a diehard Fear Factory and Machine Head devotee, he simply asks "Where is the REALLY heavy stuff? Where is the death metal? Where is the double bass on the drums??" And isn't that what we are all trying to find out during our time here on this planet?? Where *is* the double bass on the drums?


Hoo boy... this reminds me of the insane bullshit that covers the label of Dr. Bronner's soap. The scary part is the complete lack of awareness at play. Any time someone seems to lack a fundamental understanding of reality, it's unnerving because you never know what the fuck they'll do next. They operate on what seems to be their own bizarre logic system that has little or no relationship to the way the world actually works. When Z-level, local metal bands send their godawful demo to Roadrunner it's certainly kind of pathetic, but at least it makes sense: they are in a metal band, and Roadrunner puts out metal records. I always wonder what possesses some weirdo like this fruit to contact a label like Roadrunner, and how they might react if rejected. I imagine this guy is the heir to some insane fortune that his father made selling essence of honeysuckle in the 1920s or whatever, so he doesn't have to work. Instead, he spends his days wandering around, sniffing bicycle seats and park benches. When he gets the news that Roadrunner signed Billy Talent instead of him, he flips out and some poor girl waiting for the bus ends up in a dumpster behind 7-11, fragments of a shattered Dresden Dolls CD jammed into her skull.


Putting out the Disincarnate album alone is enough to atone for Roadrunner's sins of allowing Methods of Mayhem and the nu-Misfits to enter a recording studio

Conclusion
Working in the music industry might sound glamorous, but there's more to the job than the cool stuff you read about in No Glam Fags or The Wild Rag. For every "ZOMG all my dreams are coming true" moment like the time you get to help Donald Tardy wash his 1992 Chevy Luv while he tells you stories about Scott Burns' farts, there's decidedly unglamorous stuff like taking Tom Araya to 8AM Sunday mass with his daughters. We think that getting letters like this make it all worthwhile though, and welcome any other informants like "Green Rage" to share with us!

We don't know anybody at Roadrunner, but if you do, please pass this on to them and ask them to get in touch! There are few labels who have contributed more to metal than they have and we would love to work with them in one way or another. For starters, let's bro down with Mike from Killswitch and talk to him about the rad Devastation "Idolatry" longsleeve he wore when I saw Overcast in 1998.



A quick detour through bummer-ville


The best song from Left With Nothing's criminally underrated EP- check out a live version here. They were a rare combo of fun but also super intense and emotional, like Seattle's other ex-Trial/Undertow/Himsa regretcore band Everything Went Black, and I had a lot of fun at their shows.

Sorry to end on such a serious note, but we would like to express our sadness for the recent loss of Brian Redman, formerly of RR band 3 Inches of Blood. I knew him from the Seattle hardcore scene, where he played in Trial and the really-fucking-great-but-unknown Left With Nothing, one of my favorite Seattle hardcore bands. He was funny, friendly, and had a motherfucking INTEGRITY tattoo on his chest- you really can't fuck with that! I wasn't BFFs with him, but many of my Washington friends were and he is dearly missed.

44 comments:

  1. The whole "whining-for-free-stuff" phenomenon really gets me going. I was in a touring death metal band in the late 90s early 2000s, and people would amble up to the merch table and mutter "free...." That's what it seemed like to us, anyway. Because, yeah, you know, I don't spend months on end working in a shitty day job so I can afford to travel 7 hours to play for 20 people and give you something for free.

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  2. Most of those lettersread like they were written by 13 year olds... and part of me hopes that they actually were...
    gotta love the broken english though... always brings a smile to my face.

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  3. "Where is the double bass on the drums?"

    Could this be Metal Inquisition's first meme?

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  4. Absolutely funny shit...some of this posts are so naive they remind me the time when I sent a letter to Italy's Flying records (which distributed Earache records in the early 90s) asking for the new Carcass which I had heard of. I thought it was entitled "Necrotizing" (english is my second language... ;-))
    I didn't know how to order records by mail back then, so I simply wrote a whiny letter saying I dwelled far from Milan so I couldn't find magazines or record stores to cultivate my death metal passion...what a pity!

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  5. Also, I don't understand the greeting Deliverance makes in his letter. Can someone explain to me the significance of typing the English alphabet and intentionally omitting the letter "l"? Is this some sort of clandestine promo code for free shit or is it nothing more than stupid rambling made by a brain-dead redneck?

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  6. @Zachary: I thought that the "mosh pit face" was MI's first meme, from way back on the Obituary public access post. Or at least, it would be a meme, but nobody's used it yet. Let's get on that.

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  7. Could this be Metal Inquisition's first meme?

    Wigger slam. And also any time you see Brokencyde in metal media (and to a lesser, but still significant extent, crunkcore/scene in general).

    Hopefully we will add puffy vests and double bass on the drums to the list soon!

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  8. Frank, you really need to contribute to an MI post. Your first entry can explain the meaning behind the name, "Mortal Fungus".

    I remember "mosh pit face", but it doesn't have the same charm as "Where is the double bass on the drums?" I can actually see myself incorporating the latter into a PowerPoint Presentation.

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  9. "gotta love the broken english though"

    We the Greeks invented broken english too: http://www.ideologic.org/?news=2332

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  10. Mortal Fungus? That's a perfect case of "english as a second language" case, I guess.
    We looked for a synonym of "poisonous mushroom", plus, "Mortal Fungus" was perfect for a logo really similar to "Morbid Angel".
    I still has no clue what "Mortal Fungus" stands for in english...please explain me Zac!

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  11. Frank, I'm actually an English teacher. Mortal Fungus suggests a mushroom with an expiration date. That's not really metal at all, unless of course you plan to serve some outdated sautéed mushrooms to your dinner guests.

    I recommend hopping on the wigger slam bandwagon and changing your name to either "Lacerated Scrotum" or "Violent Fornication".

    Sarge, I usually don't pay attention to your hardcore recommendations, but do you have a link to a blogspot for that Left With Nothing EP? That stuff blows the popular Terror and Hatebreed shit away.

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  12. I like going in the woods seeing and picturing mushrooms, I have a huge poster of poisonous and edible mushrooms in my kitchen, but...I didn't know the nonsense of our monicker, till now...what do you think about CIMITERO? Is it metal?

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  13. The gimp's letter begins "TO: ___ " which means that he had copies made and probably sent to every label with a band he liked.

    @ Zachary, his greeting was "Noel." He probably sent it at Christmastime in the hopes of getting them to send him a present.

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  14. WHERE IS THE DOUBLE BASS ON THE DRUMS!?

    Hahahahaha...I LOVE it! That totally sounds like something I would have said in high school.

    Frank, I think you should rename your band CIMITERO DI FUNGHI VELENOSI.

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  15. Great post!
    Frank: don't worry, more than half (I'm guessing) of the metalheads in the world have English as their second language (if they even have it!), so, like me and I'm sure like you, they think that Mortal Fungus is a mushroom that if you eat it, it'll kill you (very metal indeed). So as long as they don't read Zachary's explanation, they won't realize how stupid the name is (I'm sorry). In conclusion, you should hack the comments of this post, so people don't get to read Zachary's entry.

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  16. I understand that you are from a different universe than most of the readers of this fine blog Sargeant D, so you should be used to this by now:

    Hatebreed is the shittiest blindingly generic tripe, not to mention borderline screamo and mindnumbingly boring as all hell like all that modern metal/hardcore/wiggermetal scene has to offer. Why can't you snap out of it? maybe do some Detox treatment, go to boot camp, take some guitar lessons.

    It's admirable that you want to somehow get some sort of sponsorship going from bands that for some godawful reason you love, but why do you choose to enrage what it seems like 75% of people with good taste that come to this blog? I've been waiting for what seems infinity for the idiotic noobs to grow out of this shitty phaze of horrible music, but it seems that without any new respectable bands in the horizon, the level of metal sophistication will only get lower and unbearable. Hatebreed is not in any way shape or form, respectable.

    there, I feel better now, thanks D.

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  17. WYSP needs to get off the air. There are plenty of stations in Philly who play Puddddle Of Nickelshine or whatever they're called. Spike was one of the hosts of WYSP's metal show that got the plug pulled on it about a month ago. The show's attempts at humor were mostly as lame as that letter but it was the only time you heard metal on the radio so you put up with the bad humor.

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  18. Hatebreed is the shittiest blindingly generic tripe, not to mention borderline screamo

    I will give you generic, and I bet Jamey would too- they are basic the purest execution of the Sheer Terror-style metalcore mosh formula imaginable, which is exactly why I like them. Hatebreed : Sheer Terror :: Angelcorpse : Morbid Angel, basically.

    I haven't heard the new album, and I guess there are some clean vocals on it or something?? I dunno, so aside from (possibly) that album Hatebreed is about the farthest thing from screamo imaginable- and I hate screamo a lot.

    As far as whether they are respectable, hopefully Jamey will come through with his answers to the roundtable discussion questions we sent over a while ago. You probably didn't know this, but they have been around for 15 years and Jamey is legit as fuck in terms of metal cred. He actually used to have a death metal label and put out shit like the Evilution CD- not necessarily the best thing ever, but certainly legit.

    We would be happy to run ads for other bands if they asked, but nobody does! If Stabby McSatan & The Trve Kvlts' managers just sent us a 4 line email like Hatebreed's did then I'm sure it wouldn't be a problem, so don't blame me.

    Like I said, I would love it if some of the other people like Krusher, Awakening, and GHB would contribute more because I know lots of people don't like me, but I can't force them to write posts ya know? You are certainly free to send in guest posts too- as long as they're funny we'll use them!

    I definitely don't think I'm the shit or whatever, I just write about what I like and don't like just the same as any other blogger. I'm sure not everybody agrees, and I try my hardest to entertaining to people who disagree, but I'm sure I frequently come up short. All I can do is try my hardest, dude! Honestly, it's not like I'm TRYING to piss people off, but this is what I know about... I can't write about Iron Maiden, Metallica, and Iced Earth or whatever because I never liked any of those bands and all I would write is "this shit is boring" which would REALLY alienate people.

    As you can tell, I have thought about this and it bothers me. I really just want people to read something entertaining for a few minutes a week and I do my best, but you can't please everybody. If I knew what to write that would make everybody equally entertained, I would do it, but I don't. I thought a post like this would be pretty close but as you can see, even THIS isn't universally accepted.

    I would love to have other voices in the mix more often but that is not really up to me.

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  19. Hatebreed rules! If you can't mosh to Satisfaction is the Death of Desire, you can't mosh to anything.

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  20. Sarge, I read both MI and Stuff You Will Hate and I find them hilarious. I don't agree with everything you say, especially your displeasure for Carcass, but it's still funny shit. With that being said, I'd totally donate some of my hard-earned cash to MI if it meant being compensated with 1) a continuous stream of MI posts and 2) anti-poseur yo-yos.

    As far as Hatebreed goes, I guess Jamey Jasta is a fan of Celtic Frost and Obituary, so he can't be all that bad, no matter what Seth Putnum says. If he needs to wigg out and play in a mediocre hardcore band to pay the bills, then so be it.

    Frank, I'm sorry if I offended you with regards to the overall awkwardness of your bands name. Maybe someday I'll buy you a round or two and we can discuss something more meaningful in life, like where has the double bass on the drums gone.

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  21. I don't agree with everything you say, especially your displeasure for Carcass, but it's still funny shit.

    Honestly dude that's all I am after, just to have fun writing stuff that other people will have fun reading. So when it comes to things like Carcass I'll make it a point to do some sacred cow-slaying, but it's just to have fun with it. It's really not worth getting upset about ya know?

    If anything I hope people laugh AT me and my idiosyncratic tastes. trust me, I am not putting on any kind of act when I talk about what I listen to on here (as anyone who's been on a car ride with me like Lucho can attest to- he was pretty bummed when he saw that I brought my Hollywood Undead CD with me!). Don't get stangry about it, though, just have a laugh at my expense, that's what I am here for!

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  22. I too have a glamorous job in the entertainment industry, although rather than accumulating cool stuff like RR hate mail, I get Barry Manilow T-shirts and Kenny Loggins' dirty backstage towels. True story.

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  23. I once literally bumped into Kenny Chesney when I was working on a commercial at the same post house that was doing his video. He was coming out of the bathroom as I was going in. He was very nice and very tiny (maybe 5' 3" and 130 lbs??).

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  24. Sarge,
    Your posts are hilarious and I really enjoy MI and SYWH very much.

    Here is an example of how MI has affected my life:

    Its getting very cold here now and I do not have a proper winter jacket. Reluctantly, I went into an H&M store because it is right near where I work. I have never been in there and honestly, I felt like a total douchelord just being in the place. It was so overwhelming that I wished that I had a sweet tatbro like Sarge by my side to help me purchase said coat. Like a tool, I walked out empty handed. The entire time I was in the store, all I could think about was MI. See how it has embedded itself in my mind?

    What am I getting at with all this? Basically I know Sarge is a creepvert that is attracted to girls that resemble "Theatre of Pain" era Nikki Sixx, but he makes me laugh so damn hard on a daily basis, that I would never even dream of ripping into you (Sarge) because you like a certain band. Duh.

    One thing though...I do wish other members of MI would pony up. One day Sarge and Lucho will get burned out and this will die if that doesnt happen.

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  25. srsly! HAIL SARGE!

    P.S. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8QpeUy_2rU&feature=player_embedded

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  26. I remember one time being offended by something the Sarge said in a post. I was about to shoot off an stangry response before I realized I was being like the fools I make fun of who just don't get MI. Thanks Sarge for the entertainment it is appreciated!

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  27. Hey Sarge,

    Although I have never walked into a shop and failed to buy anything because I was too busy thinking about you, I have always enjoyed your posts. Even when you said you liked Suicide Silence, who are terrible (and I like basically everything, for fuck's sake).
    In fact, the only thing that you have ever done that has annoyed me is falling into this self-reflective funk.
    Snap out of it! Walk tall!
    If these losers can't appreciate the stone cold genius of The Acacia Strain and those who write about them, then fuck 'em. Pretty much everyone with a sense of humour likes you, so who needs 'em?

    By the way, it really is time for an update on the wigger slam scene.

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  28. Sarge, if it weren't for you and your M.I. brethern it's doubtful I would have ever been brave enough to pick up Decrepit Birth's "..And Time Begins", Deeds Of Flesh's "Trading Pieces" or to favorite Stereo's "Summer Girl" on my youtube channel. Thank you so much from the bottom of my pathetic rock nerd heart!

    Now how 'bout a post on The friggin' Crucified already?!

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  29. Keep on doing what you are doing Sarge (here and on SYWH)! I think we may like one or two bands in common (and none of those belong to the wigger/metalcore/crunkcore/forgettable hardcore/wtf genre), but still your posts are always welcome!

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  30. I'm one of the few who never paid particular attention to the double bass drums.
    I'm from the old school when blast beats were mostly irregular and double bass sounded like a sack of potatoes falling from the stairs...

    ps. keep on posting Sarge, Lucho and company...when irony will leave this place, and MI will become something like blabbermouth, then I'll leave, too.

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  31. Thanks dudes! And honestly, I really appreciate feedback on what works/doesn't work. No joke, the last thing I would ever want to do is be one of those gay "alienate your core fanbase" people who decides to do something radically different from what got them to where they are then says some retarded shit like "We think the TRUE Modred fans will appreciate what we are doing. They will understand why our band is just kazoo and turntables with me rapping over it, so whatever, fuck the haters."

    Maybe that is all true, but what if there are only 2 "TRUE" Mordred fans? Well then they have fallen into the same trap as the "asshole DJ" who plays shit that he thinks will impress the few hip hop nerds in the crowd rather than just swallowing his pride and playing "Jump Around" so he can get the fuckin party started and make the office hotts drink more.

    So, uh... I guess I'm saying that y'all want me to play House of Pain, and if I'm not playing enough of it, you should tell me?? Sorry, similes usually fall apart like that at some point.

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  32. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8QpeUy_2rU&feature=player_embedded

    1. Some of those chicks are fuckin BANGIN, like the one at 1:40 or so, fuck! I love mainstream girls like that, they're so exotic hahaha. PS I am not joking.

    2. Feel disappointed that so many of those bros have kinda soft abs?? I mean for a normal person their physiques are fine, even great, but if you are going to be on TV you really shouldn't be even slightly soft IMO. GSP = black belt in body karate!! http://zangreport.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/gsp.jpg?w=390&h=351

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  33. Φύσκος/PhyscosOctober 10, 2009 at 4:38 AM

    So,in conclusion, let battle commence and move on with the cow slaying thing Sarge!

    I don't think that you simply do not like Maiden for example, I think you really have to say two or three things about how boring they are!! Knock them hard, degrade them, and if your claims stand still against peoples comments...well, this is going to be huge, and we will all have a good laugh at the end.

    Postscript 0ne!: Only a small portion of your readers will be alienated by this. I'm sure the majority in here knows that master of puppets is overrated, for example.

    Postscript Two!: You put Metallica and Iron Maiden in the same basket with Iced Earth LOL.

    Postscript Three!: You feel bored just by reading those names.

    Postscript Four!: I own a Blaze Bayley solo album.

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  34. I agree with Φύσκος/Physcos, start the Metallica/ Iron Maiden bash review Sarge we'll all laugh.

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  35. the nerve of some people is really unbelievable. especially that gimp letter asking for free stuff got my blood boiling. i hope they sent him a great kat album!! (that's the worst RR release that i can think of now....i, ehm,own a copy...). He writes that he has no money to enter a CD club - couldn't you get like 20 albums for a cent there or something???

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  36. guys have you ever listened to this "great" blackmetal band from Greece?
    http://www.myspace.com/1s12x4s17x5s1x18a
    serge i think you should write a post on them

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  37. "Basically I know Sarge is a creepvert that is attracted to girls that resemble "Theatre of Pain" era Nikki Sixx,"

    AHAHAH. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.



    "I'm from the old school when blast beats were mostly irregular and double bass sounded like a sack of potatoes falling from the stairs..."

    this man is clearly a huge fan of Diabolic.

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  38. "Maybe that is all true, but what if there are only 2 "TRUE" Mordred fans?"

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxaDJD632Tc

    How amusing

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  39. "Basically I know Sarge is a creepvert that is attracted to girls that resemble "Theatre of Pain" era Nikki Sixx,"

    I would be the last person to argue with that statement! Barbie Beatdown = SPLURT:
    http://i170.photobucket.com/albums/u248/whitpay/Scene%20Hair/1413169451_l.jpg
    (BTW she is like 20 do don't get any funny ideas)

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  40. dudes...you all had gotten me very nervous that my stab at sarge would go unnoticed. it took me like a week to come up with that.

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  41. The Cradle of Filth letter was funny, but its funnier that it made you angry enough to defend them.

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  42. I appreciate your wonderful post .

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