Cosmo Lee and the gang at Invisible Oranges have a very literate, smart take on metal that's as rare as it is considered. Naturally, you must be thinking "What the fuck are YOU doing on that site, then?!" I am as puzzled as you are, but I was super stoked to put together a selection of crushing slamz for them that you can download over at IO (including the cover that you see above). In Cosmo's words:
If John Waters blogged about metal, the result would be Metal Inquisition. The site is mean as hell, yet culturally astute. It trawls society's backwaters and exposes insecurities for public ridicule. Blogger Sergeant D is especially adept at this. The man has some of the strangest tastes I've ever seen. He'll champion old-school powerviolence, then turn around and stick up for crunkcore and "wigger slam" metal (his term). He actually likes that stuff.I have been a huge John Waters fan since I was about 9 years old, so it would be hard to come up with a more flattering comparison than that- I'm blushing!
As usual, I turn to Guttermouth to articulate my feelings
Predictably, the No Fun Club showed to rain on the parade and get butthurt because I used the word "wigger." You can read the comments and see for yourself, but I foolishly made the mistake of attempting to extend the olive branch to them, forgetting the most fundamental characteristic of the NFC: Nothing you do will ever, ever be good enough for them. They sit atop their throne of Adbusters back issues, clipping coupons for Howard Zinn bobbleheads and passing judgment on mouthbreathing savages like me who "just don't get it." I tried to explain that when I make wigger jokes, the humor is based on the fact that it's a fucking completely retarded term, so perhaps we were on the same page after all. But it was all in vain: as expected, they weren't having it. Every word I typed was more proof of what a Neanderthal I am, because you just can't win with these dickholes.
If you are in the No Fun Club, I think we will never be on the same page. You hate fun, and I love it. We are natural enemies, like Mordred and non-funky beats. So get fucked, and instead of reading my posts, spend that time with a select group of your brightest friends circle-jerking to Kent McClard/Aaron Turner* slashfic stories or whatever it is that you do while I'm listening to Infernal Revulsion and texting your sister.
Read more / download "Now That's What I Call Slam" at Invisible Oranges
* No offense meant to Aaron Turner, he seems like a chill dude and was super cool the few times I've interacted with him- it's not his fault beardos like the records he puts out.
Something Awful "Garbage Day: Stuff You Will Hate"
On a happier note, this guest post on Something Awful's Garbage Day with Andrew Miller was legitimately an honor. Something Awful is a legendary site that's up there with a select few like 4chan and Hipster Runoff in terms of retarded internet humor made by really smart people, and I've been a huge fan for a solid decade. We sent each other links to some shitty songs on YouTube, then made fun of them. Pretty simple but pretty great. MI readers will especially appreciate Andrew's comment on the amazingly wigged-out new video from Despised Icon, featuring a "Deez Nuts" shirt and 40-tipping, among other things:
What "I'm on a Boat" did to Autotuned R&B, the "Day of Mourning" video does unintentionally to tough-guy deathcore. Given that it's more of a farce than most parodies, someone involved in its production must have realized it was fucking hilarious. I can imagine the director's instructions: "Yes, wear the 'Deez Nuts' shirt, the contrast between the tragic graveside scenes and the whimsical slogan will be poignant!" And "I'm going to play some nü-metal during the performance scenes, and I want you to gesture and altogether behave as though that's the music that's really accompanying the video. I'll change the soundtrack in post-production. The effect will be transcendent! What? Oh no, you can evade any rap-metal stigma, as long as you wear your baseball caps with the bills facing forward." Then I can see him stuffing a towel in his mouth and grinding his teeth through the threads as he tries to stave off hysterics.It's a testament to SA's advanced-level technique that Andrew was one of the few people to realize that the only kind of music I genuinely hate is indie rock. He sent me videos from Jay Reatard, Yacht, and a few others that had my blood boiling in seconds- no easy task! His only misstep was giving me a song from Fight Fair, who are one of my favorite bands. But hey, nobody bats 1000. Passion Pit made me want to smash my own fingers with a ballpeen hammer out of sheer beard-induced rage:
This is music for beardos with pot bellies and a live-in girlfriend. To borrow a line from Henry Rollins, starting a band like this is like breaking into your parents' liquor cabinet and drinking the light beer. Why are these fucking assholes smiling so much? Does it feel THAT GOOD to prance around in a sweater and glasses? Did they just see a life-affirming independent film about how amazing poor people and retards are? Maybe they're thinking about all the cool stuff they just bought off Etsy, or how much better they feel about themselves now that they've switched to Fair Trade Coffee, I don't know.Thanks to Andrew and the gang at SA, you're welcome on MI any time!
Read more at Something Awful