Monday, October 5, 2009

Guest appearances on Invisible Oranges and Something Awful; No Fun Club appears

Invisible Oranges "Now That's What I Call Slam" mixtape
Cosmo Lee and the gang at Invisible Oranges have a very literate, smart take on metal that's as rare as it is considered. Naturally, you must be thinking "What the fuck are YOU doing on that site, then?!" I am as puzzled as you are, but I was super stoked to put together a selection of crushing slamz for them that you can download over at IO (including the cover that you see above). In Cosmo's words:
If John Waters blogged about metal, the result would be Metal Inquisition. The site is mean as hell, yet culturally astute. It trawls society's backwaters and exposes insecurities for public ridicule. Blogger Sergeant D is especially adept at this. The man has some of the strangest tastes I've ever seen. He'll champion old-school powerviolence, then turn around and stick up for crunkcore and "wigger slam" metal (his term). He actually likes that stuff.
I have been a huge John Waters fan since I was about 9 years old, so it would be hard to come up with a more flattering comparison than that- I'm blushing!

As usual, I turn to Guttermouth to articulate my feelings

Predictably, the No Fun Club showed to rain on the parade and get butthurt because I used the word "wigger." You can read the comments and see for yourself, but I foolishly made the mistake of attempting to extend the olive branch to them, forgetting the most fundamental characteristic of the NFC: Nothing you do will ever, ever be good enough for them. They sit atop their throne of Adbusters back issues, clipping coupons for Howard Zinn bobbleheads and passing judgment on mouthbreathing savages like me who "just don't get it." I tried to explain that when I make wigger jokes, the humor is based on the fact that it's a fucking completely retarded term, so perhaps we were on the same page after all. But it was all in vain: as expected, they weren't having it. Every word I typed was more proof of what a Neanderthal I am, because you just can't win with these dickholes.

If you are in the No Fun Club, I think we will never be on the same page. You hate fun, and I love it. We are natural enemies, like Mordred and non-funky beats. So get fucked, and instead of reading my posts, spend that time with a select group of your brightest friends circle-jerking to Kent McClard/Aaron Turner* slashfic stories or whatever it is that you do while I'm listening to Infernal Revulsion and texting your sister.

Read more / download "Now That's What I Call Slam" at Invisible Oranges

* No offense meant to Aaron Turner, he seems like a chill dude and was super cool the few times I've interacted with him- it's not his fault beardos like the records he puts out.

Something Awful "Garbage Day: Stuff You Will Hate"
On a happier note, this guest post on Something Awful's Garbage Day with Andrew Miller was legitimately an honor. Something Awful is a legendary site that's up there with a select few like 4chan and Hipster Runoff in terms of retarded internet humor made by really smart people, and I've been a huge fan for a solid decade. We sent each other links to some shitty songs on YouTube, then made fun of them. Pretty simple but pretty great. MI readers will especially appreciate Andrew's comment on the amazingly wigged-out new video from Despised Icon, featuring a "Deez Nuts" shirt and 40-tipping, among other things:
What "I'm on a Boat" did to Autotuned R&B, the "Day of Mourning" video does unintentionally to tough-guy deathcore. Given that it's more of a farce than most parodies, someone involved in its production must have realized it was fucking hilarious. I can imagine the director's instructions: "Yes, wear the 'Deez Nuts' shirt, the contrast between the tragic graveside scenes and the whimsical slogan will be poignant!" And "I'm going to play some nü-metal during the performance scenes, and I want you to gesture and altogether behave as though that's the music that's really accompanying the video. I'll change the soundtrack in post-production. The effect will be transcendent! What? Oh no, you can evade any rap-metal stigma, as long as you wear your baseball caps with the bills facing forward." Then I can see him stuffing a towel in his mouth and grinding his teeth through the threads as he tries to stave off hysterics.
It's a testament to SA's advanced-level technique that Andrew was one of the few people to realize that the only kind of music I genuinely hate is indie rock. He sent me videos from Jay Reatard, Yacht, and a few others that had my blood boiling in seconds- no easy task! His only misstep was giving me a song from Fight Fair, who are one of my favorite bands. But hey, nobody bats 1000. Passion Pit made me want to smash my own fingers with a ballpeen hammer out of sheer beard-induced rage:
This is music for beardos with pot bellies and a live-in girlfriend. To borrow a line from Henry Rollins, starting a band like this is like breaking into your parents' liquor cabinet and drinking the light beer. Why are these fucking assholes smiling so much? Does it feel THAT GOOD to prance around in a sweater and glasses? Did they just see a life-affirming independent film about how amazing poor people and retards are? Maybe they're thinking about all the cool stuff they just bought off Etsy, or how much better they feel about themselves now that they've switched to Fair Trade Coffee, I don't know.
Thanks to Andrew and the gang at SA, you're welcome on MI any time!

Read more at Something Awful


  1. No Abominable Putridity on NTWICS ? I know you can't please everybody all of the time, but just incase you've not heard them, their record has some of the most slamming slams I've heard. And as a badge of honour, it currently has a review rating of 3% on Metal archives, which is 97% for us bro's.

    Regardless, mixtape cut to cd and it's going in the car on the way home

  2. "circle-jerking to Kent McClard/Aaron Turner* slashfic stories"

    Thank you for that lovely image, single best summation ever.

    Reading the comments on IO i couldnt believe those no-funners. Who the fuck died and made these thin skinned pissants lord high moderators of the blogosphere.
    The term wigger is wholly appropriate for the situation as anyone who has watched a waking the cadaver video can attest, i cant believe anyone with an education could fail to find humour in this. All those mensa freaks must really fucking love anal blast or something to get so butthurt.

    Keep up the good work!

  3. SA and M-I joining together like the most smarmy and self-loathing Megazord in space?

    This is truly the day of days.

  4. also: lol@ the Johnny Plague signature puffy vest coupon... awesome

  5. Thanks dudes!

    There were a ton of bands I would have loved to include like Abominable Putridity, Katalepsy, Entorturement, Disfigured, Dehumanized, etc, but it could only be 60 minutes :(

  6. I remember that Helm guy and his never-less-than-1500 word diatribes he used to post here. Good riddance, I say. I think he took particular exception to your description of Greeks as "swarthy" and decided to express it in typical passive aggressive fashion by attacking your understanding of postmodernism.

  7. The NFC'ers = hairy-pitted, flannel-wearing militant feminists with zero sense of humor and guys who think that yelling "misogyny" within earshot of one of them will somehow get them laid. If they ran the world, we'd all be listening to some wimpy R.E.M.-type indie band whining about saving the whales (or whatever today's cause du jour may happen to be). Thanks, but not interested.

    Use of the "N"-word within the metal genre was fully explored in the Body Count number, "There Goes The Neighborhood". I believe it's the final word on the matter. Listen to it and you'll understand.

    Advance apologies for the stangry rant, but there's no breed of metal fan I'd like to punch in the face more than the "this makes the whole genre seem stupid to outsiders" guy. It's exactly like hearing a wrestling fan try to explain how much practice and training is involved in it, as if that makes it somehow less ridiculous. Worrying about what other people might think about your tastes in music is a sure sign you're not getting out enough and need more fun things to do with your free time.

  8. "The only thing I don't hate about this is that it reminds me of the stuff indie girls play on their Macbook when they fuck. In addition to playing soothing indie rock from their crappy laptop speakers, they also like to keep water by their beds, often in a Perrier bottle that they refill. It's so common that I think they must hand out a pamphlet titled something like."

    as I've said before I don't really appreciate your kind of staying "culturally relevant". to me it's mere regurgitation, you never offer alternatives to the weird cultures you mash together. you're purely in it for fun references. I'd rather you'd also stand for something. that being said, the above quote is fucking spot on.

  9. Good job on the Slam album cover. I'm really digging it.

  10. Give credit to my fellow countrymen Human Rejection. You know, we combine black and white in any possible way (wiggerism, swarthiness etc.).
    I downloaded this for a three day trip up to the mountains. Just before I go I chose to get some shallow but jolly good power metal with me too, and that was a wise move. Imagine listening to slam repeatedly for hours...that would have been noxious for sure! But those too made a peculiar and cheery contrast. A bunch of German wanting to be pirates plus a bunch of white wanting to be black people, and all these on shuffle. How time flies.

  11. Do the greeks call them "wavros"?!!!

  12. No, what you did there is a combination of w and the Greek word for black, the colour. You're looking for "warapis". God, why am I answering this? hahaha

    keep these pieces coming man

  13. re: Deez Nuts shirt. Deez Nuts is actually a horrible wigger-mosh band from Australia. their wiggerdom extends beyond puffy vests and Amway salesmanship into actually calling songs stuff like "Rep Your Hood" and "I Hustle Everyday". this is compounded by the fact that they are from Adelaide, the quietest, whitest city in the country. you'll love em, sarge.

  14. Good job on the Slam album cover. I'm really digging it.

    Thanks dude! Could always be better of course, but I thought it would be funny to do something that looked so non-metal.

  15. Awesome mix tape, although I would have maybe included Orchidectomy's "Fourth Blessed Gorge" (fearsomely ringy snare) and "Endangered Human Species" (last track on Infernal Revulsion's debut, slammiest track on the album IMO). Otherwise an excellent primer on an often-misunderstood sub-genre, although I'd expect nothing less from the premier expert on the scene. Sure, the Sarge's musical tastes don't always match mine, but if I had a dime for every cool band the Sarge hipped me to, I'd be a buck and a half richer right now. Pit Riffment 4 Lyfe!

  16. Man, I can't believe I fell into the NFC trap back in the day. It's one thing to be against racism, or homophobia or whatever ism is the hot button issue of the time, but to be so blind you can't take a joke is just stupid.

    The album is full of awesomeness, I've been a huge Repudilation since the mid/late 90's, and would kill for a copy of that discography CD. It's good to see them get some love here, since it doesn't seem that kids know who they are these days.

  17. I am not sure on what level I will ultimately embrace the slamz, but that is a great album cover.

  18. Fuck the No Fun Club. As if arguing with somebody in the comments section of a metal blog over the use of the word "wigger" does one thing to make the world better for everybody. Also, fuck them for ruining decent bands on Hydrahead and even Ebullition for the rest of us.

  19. this bros seems hecka slam..

  20. I tried to start a blog called one who wigs, and that got taken down. Thanks a lot NFC!

  21. For the Sarge: I would guess that part of the reason that you enjoy crunkcore like BrokenCYDE and auto-tuney stuff like Breathe Carolina is to have a common ground of interest with hot chicks whom you wish to sleep with. With this kind of reasoning, I was surprised to see you say that you hate indie rock, a genre of music that enjoys a hot(mostly) female demographic.

    I was just wondering if you could elaborate on why you like one genre of music over the other. Not saying that people can't have their tastes and like what they like, I'm just curious as to the workings of the mind of a (internet) comedic genius.

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