Metal Inquisition Archives: Lyrics

Like so many of you, I too look back upon my past and cringe relentlessly. Luckily, there's few bits of evidence to prove just how much of a douche I've been for much of my life. For example, there's no proof of how I waited for three hours in the snow to meet Kurt Brecht from D.R.I. in 1991...nor is there proof of how insanely excited I was when he kindly asked me to step into the band's bus, in fear that I'd probably die of hypothermia (and that he'd be held responsible).

Every once in a while, however, I come across solid proof of my youthful stupidity. The image below is just one of those such item...which we will hereby call: Exhibt A in the trail against Klaus. What is Exhibit A you ask? Just proof that one day in 1990, I decided to write out the lyrics of the Gwar song Slaughterama with a blue felt tip marker. And then was apparently so proud of my accomplishment, that I decided to archive them for later enjoyment.

Please keep in mind that at the time, I had only moved to the United States a few months earlier, and thus didn't really speak much English at all. This will explain the awful spelling errors.

(click to enlarge)

But wait, there's more. I also found handwritten articles about Kreator, Napalm Death and Believer circa 1991. Stay tuned.

Is metal dead? Yes. But it's alive and well in some parts of the world.

Can anyone seriously tell me that this is not the coolest guy in the world?

I know, I know. Some of you are going to get bent out of shape by me saying that metal is dead in the United States. By that I mean, that metal as I knew it, is dead. I don't care about technical death metal bands, I don't care about 19 year olds who think it's funny to wear Nuclear Assault shirts. I miss the days of pure, unadulterated, irony-free metal. That era, as far as I can see, has largely died in the types of places in this country that I will dare visit. Notice that I say "that I will dare visit", since I'm sure large portions of Kentucky and perhaps North Dakota have viable metal scenes I would love... but really, who wants to go there?

Luckily for all of us, there is a fantastic place called South America. Please take in the images below...amazing reminders that metal is not completely dead. True metal, it turns out, is alive and well. Who needs the Nocturnus time machine...all you need is a $500 plane ticket to Bolivia. If anyone thinks I'm making fun of these people...well, I may be. But I'm from South America myself...so I'm allowed.




We first learned about these guys from an earlier post about bands around the world name Guillotine. Just think about this.....the guy on the right has so many patches that he has to put some on his sweatpants. Think about that. If you think you're more metal than him...I salute you. Most posers would simply say "I'm out of room for patches", but not these industrious metalers from South America.



Again, so metal that patches end up on their pants. Do you see any black or gray sneakers in this picture? I don't. The one guy was like "what, we're taking pictures today? Cool, my mom just washed my 'Metal Blood' shirt"




Stupid hardcore kids in the United States are trying to bring back thrash and crossover as a novelty. These guys, on the other hand, are for real. How do I know? Do you need to ask? Look at those tiny denim shorts....with patches on them! Also, one guys is wearing a shirt with the toxic waste symbol. Man, these dudes look like they run some kind of metal parasailing business.



Damn, how sick must this show have been? Can you imagine being in a room full of people who listen to metal and not one is doing it for the sake of irony? Must be nice.



Black sneakers? Nope. Just four dudes posing in front of their VW stationwagon on a dirt road. Patches on pants? Yes. License plate that ends in "666"? Yes. Leather winter gloves in what looks like scorching heat? Yes.



Vests? Yes. Patches on pants? Yes. Shirt with the toxic waste symbol for no reason? Yup.



You already know what I'm going to point out. Patches on pants. But also notice the homemade Sodom shirt. No Sodom shirt has been made in anyone's home in the US since 1991...if that!



Metal bands in the states are busy trying to find proper venues to book shows in. In South America, you just run an extension cord out of your dad's empanada restaurant and start jammin'.

Blackie Lawless: surprisingly, not stupid at all

Not that knowing the answers to some random questions about Europe makes you a genius, but clearly he is an articulate, fairly worldly guy. I was a little disappointed, because I thought to myself, "Surely searching for Blackie Lawless on Youtube will be a goldmine of incredibly stupid material." But I couldn't have been more wrong! Apparently it's Chris Holmes who is the dolt of the group.

Anyway, I don't want to spoil the ending of this video... but fuck it: Blackie wins a sandwich at the end.