More Metal Photography From Around The Interweb

If you ever thought you looked cool while wearing your Slayer shirt, think again. This is exactly what you looked like to everyone around you, a semi-pubescent rapist with creased jeans.

Here's a little fashion tip...stop pulling your fucking pants up once they reach your armpits. Why? Because you want to have kids someday. Also, show some respect to Pushead, he didn't work on the shading of the scale for hours so that you'd cover it up with your white jeans. Damn.





Was this picture taken in Ohio circa 1989, or Williamsburgh circa 2006?
We'll never know.

Can he open cans with those teeth?
Easily. He can also chew through leather belts and ceramic tile.

Which Overkill album is his favorite?
"I choose to celebrate their entire catalog"

Why is he wearing those safety glasses?
Because once his friend Chester comes over, the shit is going to hit the fan. Literally. Chester is planning on taking a shit on a fan to see what happens. Man, white dudes have all the fun.

Do his victims remember the feeling of his dirtstache on their face for years?
Absolutely.





Fuck...Lita Ford has really let herself go.




Look, I'm not trying to say that you can't be fat AND play in a black metal band. Wait, I lied. That's exactly what I'm trying to say.

PS: Wearing a LIVESTRONG bracelet on stage is not exactly kvlt.




I know what you're thinking "Ha, ha...those third world metal fans sure are funny! Look at them making funny faces for the camera." Well, don't laugh. They're not making funny faces for the camera at all. The economic downturn has hit developing economies very hard. What they're doing is showing potential clients the equipment with which they'll be sucking ten thousand cocks in order to buy a BC Rich Ironbird, and a Marshal practice amp.





As a drummer, I'm very sensitive about the way that fellow drummers are treated in bands. Seeing this picture depressed me to no end. This image is proof that no matter what country we live in, we will forever be second-class citizens. Are drummers really so terrible to be around that you literally have to put us in another fucking continent while we play along to the horrible fucking song you wrote? You agree to play a guy's power ballad, and this is the thanks you get?




Do you remember that one guy in your math class back in the day who said Metallica were "super gay", and that the reason they were gay was because they made a video for One? Well....he was at least partially right.




My reaction to seeing this picture serves as further proof that I'm getting old. When I was 13, I would have found this to be both awesome and hilarious. Today, I happen to know how much it costs to have concrete poured...and seeing this picture is making my blood boil. Fucking kids.




Who knew that King Diamond would be the type to lounge around the house while rocking a free promotional fleece vest, knock-off Oakleys and a Nascar hat. You know you're pushing the douchebag envelope when even Lars Ulrich dry heaves upon seeing you.




Is Jason Newsted so broke that he's cutting hair to make ends meet? No. What he's is doing is collecting hair from stranger in order to give himself Trujillo-like braids. Why? Because late at night, after crying for hours about no longer being in Metallica, he pretends he's on stage playing Whiplash while crabwalking through his living room.




I seriously wrote about twenty different captions to this picture, and none of them did it justice. It's so amazing, that any caption would ruin it. It would be like ordering a $120 entree at a fancy restaurant, and then coating it in ranch dressing and ketchup. You just don't do it. Still, a thought came to mind...

I'd like to think that humans are slightly more advanced than animals, and as such don't eat or normally kill our young. Still, you kinda' have to wonder how this kid's parents stopped themselves from killing him in his sleep at some point. Little did they know that the result of a single night of carnal pleasure would mean a lifelong sentence of having to hear about how amazing both Operation Ivy AND Deicide are.

Is metal dead? Yes. But it's alive and well in some parts of the world.

Can anyone seriously tell me that this is not the coolest guy in the world?

I know, I know. Some of you are going to get bent out of shape by me saying that metal is dead in the United States. By that I mean, that metal as I knew it, is dead. I don't care about technical death metal bands, I don't care about 19 year olds who think it's funny to wear Nuclear Assault shirts. I miss the days of pure, unadulterated, irony-free metal. That era, as far as I can see, has largely died in the types of places in this country that I will dare visit. Notice that I say "that I will dare visit", since I'm sure large portions of Kentucky and perhaps North Dakota have viable metal scenes I would love... but really, who wants to go there?

Luckily for all of us, there is a fantastic place called South America. Please take in the images below...amazing reminders that metal is not completely dead. True metal, it turns out, is alive and well. Who needs the Nocturnus time machine...all you need is a $500 plane ticket to Bolivia. If anyone thinks I'm making fun of these people...well, I may be. But I'm from South America myself...so I'm allowed.




We first learned about these guys from an earlier post about bands around the world name Guillotine. Just think about this.....the guy on the right has so many patches that he has to put some on his sweatpants. Think about that. If you think you're more metal than him...I salute you. Most posers would simply say "I'm out of room for patches", but not these industrious metalers from South America.



Again, so metal that patches end up on their pants. Do you see any black or gray sneakers in this picture? I don't. The one guy was like "what, we're taking pictures today? Cool, my mom just washed my 'Metal Blood' shirt"




Stupid hardcore kids in the United States are trying to bring back thrash and crossover as a novelty. These guys, on the other hand, are for real. How do I know? Do you need to ask? Look at those tiny denim shorts....with patches on them! Also, one guys is wearing a shirt with the toxic waste symbol. Man, these dudes look like they run some kind of metal parasailing business.



Damn, how sick must this show have been? Can you imagine being in a room full of people who listen to metal and not one is doing it for the sake of irony? Must be nice.



Black sneakers? Nope. Just four dudes posing in front of their VW stationwagon on a dirt road. Patches on pants? Yes. License plate that ends in "666"? Yes. Leather winter gloves in what looks like scorching heat? Yes.



Vests? Yes. Patches on pants? Yes. Shirt with the toxic waste symbol for no reason? Yup.



You already know what I'm going to point out. Patches on pants. But also notice the homemade Sodom shirt. No Sodom shirt has been made in anyone's home in the US since 1991...if that!



Metal bands in the states are busy trying to find proper venues to book shows in. In South America, you just run an extension cord out of your dad's empanada restaurant and start jammin'.

Where are they now: Alex Perialas edition

As though the wacky goatee wasn't enough to let people know that he's not your average old douchebag, he's managed to borrow accessories from the Olson twins' closet to communicate just how awful of a human being he is.

If you ever call Metal Inquisition's World Headquarters and get put on hold due to heavy call volume, nine times out of ten, you'll be listening to the work of master producer Alex Perialas as you wait for someone to pick up on the other end of the line. With an impressive catalog that includes S.O.D.'s "Speak English Or Die" as well as the 12" single for the greatly underappreciated Anthrax masterpiece "Make Me Laugh", his catalog dominates our cassette collections to this day.

Metal Inquisition Facilities Manager Rich Pompeani is the only M.I. employee trusted to care for our beloved Alex Perialas cassette collection. Here we see Rich carefully relabeling one of three Fistful Of Metal dub copies in our collection.

You see, long before Scott Burns was making dozens of dollars producing albums for the likes of Obituary, Sepultura and Hellwitch at Morrisound Studios, Alex Perialas was toiling away behind the knobs for such legendary, life-changing recordings as "U.S.A. for M.O.D." With all this in mind, how could we not use our investigative powers to give our readers more information about the kind of life and fortune that producing Overkill's landmark recording "Fuck You" can grant a man? We simply had to ask:

Where on earth is Alex Perialas?

Well, if you guessed Ithaca, New York...you are right! These days, Alex has traded in the exciting, and opulent life of working with Billy Milano on his vocal overdubs, as well as the privilege of working with Danny Spitz on his guitar solos for a simpler, quieter life. Alex is now an assistant professor at Ithaca College (also known as Cornell's retarded brother). Assistant professor? Can you believe that a guy like Alex can produce a masterpiece like Testament's "New Order" and they still won't give him a tenure track job? Assistant professor? That's all? For having worked on the S.O.D. album alone they should let him be Dean of the school of music, AND be the head of the political science program. Can you think of a better candidate for the job? I sure can't.

Here we see Alex playing S.O.D.'s classic track "Speak English Or Die" to a group of Guatemalan children, as he explains to them that the title of the song was meant to be ironic, and that no harm was meant by it. Sadly, the children didn't understand a word he said since, well....they don't speak English.

So what type of life can you live when royalty checks from Megaforce records are flying in every month (signed by the one and only Johnny Z)? Sadly, not a fantastic one. According to the City of Ithaca's records office, Alex's humble home is valued at a modest $155,000. To our European readers, due to the current exchange rate, that comes out to roughly 6 Euros.

As you can see in this picture of his home, Alex needs to do some weeding pronto. Maybe Bobby Blitz can come over and take care of it, I'm sure he needs some money and steady work right about now.

So has Alex simply faded away into a life in academia? Oh no. Once you've worked on a Pro-Pain album you can't simply hide your production abilities from the world. To the contrary, you must share those abilities. It's for that reason that Alex is now the proud owner of Pyramid Studios, a place that he no doubt imagined would be filled with the kind of action and hot ladies that were commonplace in Anthrax, and Testament recording sessions back in the day. Sadly, thrash metal is dead, and the studio is in Ithaca, so the only thing he's recording is the sound of tumbleweed rolling around in the state of the art drum room. Such is life. Thrash metal is dead. The end of that era came long ago...but at least it's alive in our cassette collections and in our hold music here at M.I. headquarters. In keeping it alive, Alex's spirit will remain alive forever. FOREVER I TELL YOU!

In closing, I say we all watch the video below together and remember a time when both Alex and bermuda shorts reigned supreme. By the way, what the hell was up with Joey Belladonna's mic stand? He had the mic on half a mic stand, which had no base. It looks ridiculous. I can just imagine the tantrums he would have if a roadie didn't have his half-mic stand ready for a show.

"Are you kidding me? Do you expect me to sing into a full mic stand, or even worse, carry my mic around in my hand without my half mic-stand which looks like a broom stick? Oh hell no. I'm not performing under these circumstances! I played drums on I'm The Man! I sang on Madhouse! I deserve better than this!"

Perhaps he was influenced by Kind Diamond's patented femur half-mic stand.

Black Metal: Photo Analysis

Today, we present you with yet another look at the world of black metal, one of our favorite punching bags within the world of metal.

How do evil black metallers stay warm while watching TV on a chilly winter's day? With a cozy Slanket™ of course!

The guy on the left didn't get the memo about the difference between throwing the horns, and the sign for "I love you." Apparently he also didn't get the memo about not wearing flowing, pirate-style shirts, or his mom's jeans when trying to look evil.

1.
His mixture of a phallic helmet (that is clearly from the middle ages), with bullets (that are from the 20th century) makes his little costume highly inaccurate. I would feel like a dick for pointing that out to him though. I mean, when you were a kid, and you were pretending to be Evel Knievel while riding your cheapo BMX bike in your parent's driveway, your mom didn't ruin the fun by pointing out you were a douchebag, that you were 9 years old, and that doing a bunny hop didn't exactly count as a "stunt". So, if the dude wants to be a black metal "warrior" and dress up in cute costumes, I say we let him.

2.
This guy's hair is insanely dry and frizzy. He's looks like the Crypt Keeper with a magic penis helmet on his head.

3.
Can any guitar players who are reading this perhaps confirm if that's even a chord he's playing? Is his hat so magical that he's coming up with an entirely new musical scale? Why does he have two fingers on the A string, and on the same fret?

One sad thing about being in a black metal band in Florida is that after playing a sweet show in front of ten high school-age kids, you end up outside the venue sitting on one of those outdoor plastic chairs from Wal-Mart, rather than the throne made of skulls you always imagined.

MySpace photography, meets black metal, meets bad dental hygiene, meets comb over, meets a life of loneliness.

Playing the songs in front of eight people in a gym that could hold two thousand kinda' makes you feel like a douche for putting on the make up and all. So does the fact that a gym class was still going on during the epic performance of "Gates Ov Hell"

Are these guys building a house in the woods or something? It looks like a Habitat For Humanity photo shoot.

Is this a picture of a weird, third division soccer team in the Philippines I've never heard of? Douchebag FC?

Who Gave These Filipinos Those Rock Guitars?

The fact that Dark Angel rocks harder than Death Angel is an issue that was settled here at M.I. sometime back. Nevertheless, a two part mini-documentary about Death Angel that was done back when they first signed to a major label (with band members' ages ranging from 14 to 19) is certainly worth sharing with our readers. These guys look exactly as I wanted to look back then. Sadly, my mom wouldn't let me have long hair and I didn't have rad metal shirts. Sure, sure, my brother and I shared a couple of metal tees, but for the most part I was rocking my sweatpants, my Freddy Kruger sweatshirt (not a sweater like the one Freddy wore, no, a heather grey number with his face screenprinted on it), or maybe an OP shirt, all the while dousing myself in Brut cologne (to atract the ladies). Since baja's (drug rugs) came up in the last post, I should mention that I also wanted one very badly circa 1990, but my mom wouldn't let me have one. Bummer.

Check out their bodacious skate gear, the sweatsocks, the suspenders, the matching outfits....the Sisters of Mercy shirt? That shirt should have been a sign to us all about things to come. Enjoy.


Part One





Part Two

Dave Mustaine Interviewed By A Puppet

Mustaine being interviewed by a brainless creature. No, not Riki Rachtman. A puppet from a Japanese TV show.

The content of the interview may not be the funniest thing ever, but seeing Dave Mustaine keep a straight face while being interviewed by a godamned puppet on Japanese television is insanely funny. At least to me. Can you imagine how hard up you have to be for press, in order to to hear a guy from your label say "So, it's an interview show...but the interview is done by a paper mache puppet, doesn't that sound like a fun time?" and you actually agree to do it? This is yet another moment in metal history that ends up looking exactly like a bad SNL sketch.

Due to his tearful breakdown in the movie Some Kind Of Monster, we now know exactly what was going through his mind while this interview was taking place:

" Jesus, Lars is so rich right now that he's probably buying a mansion and getting himself new chiclet teeth. Kirk probably has enough in the bank already to try all kinds of experimental hair replacement methods...and I'm here being interviewed by a damn puppet. How embarrassing. Thank god that no computer network exists where people around the world will be able to watch this footage. This whole thing is between me, the puppet and Dave Ellefson. Hmmm...I hope to one day tell Lars how I really felt about being thrown out of the band. Thank god for the fact that the day that happens, it will be a private moment that won't be filmed for a major motion picture. At least I have that to look forward to, and to keep me from crying as I get interviewed by this creepy Asian puppet."

My Life As A Poet (AKA: Stealing From Slayer)

I learned how to speak English around the time I was 12, after moving to the US of A. I won't bore you with the details under which the move happened. I will, however, tell you that upon landing on American soil both my brother and I were rocking severe mullets, and were both sporting our jean jackets (with dope back patches).

Learning English was tough, but within a few months I had a pretty good command of the language. It was around that time, however, that my English class had an assignment I simply could not complete with my less-than-perfect skills in such a new language: poetry. After quickly realizing that I simply didn't have the necessary command of the language to write a variation on "roses are red, violets are blue..." I quickly decided to do what any self-respecting metal head would do. Steal from Slayer.


For some unknown reason, the song I decided to go with still baffles me to this day, "Silent Scream". At such an young age, the idea of abortion had barely entered my mind...so I have no idea why on earth I thought a graphic song about that subject would make for a perfectly appropriate poem to pass off as my own. In case you've forgotten the lyrics, please read them below. Imagine what a teacher must have thought, and keep in mind that I was 12 at this point.

Nightmare, the persecution
A child's dream of death
Torment, ill forgotten
A soul that will never rest

Guidance, it means nothing
In a world of brutal time
Electric, circus wild
Deep in the infants mind

Silent scream
Bury the unwanted child
Beaten and torn
Sacrifice the unborn

Shattered, adolescent
Bearer of no name
Restrained, insane games
Suffer the children condemned

Scattered, remnants of life
Murder a time to die
Pain, suffrage toyed
Lifes little fragments destroyed

Silent scream
Crucify the bastard son
Beaten and torn
Sanctify lives of scorn

Life preordained
Humanity maintained
Extraction termination
Pain's agonizing stain

Embryonic death
Embedded in your brain
Suffocation, strangulation
Death is fucking you insane

Nightmare, the persecution
A child's dream of death
Torment, ill forgotten
A soul that will never rest

Innocence withdrawn in fear
Fires burning can you hear
Cries in the night

I'm fairly certain that the only change I made to the song's lyrics, in order for them to be acceptable as homework, was to remove the work "fucking", but that was about it. The fact that my parents weren't contacted as a result, or that the authorities weren't called is amazing.

I should point out that doing this (plagiarism at an early age) runs in my family. My brother did it once (maybe he'll post about it) and my cousin did also. My cousin decided to pass off the lyrics to Public Enemy's "Fight The Power" as his own. He got an A, and was asked to read his poem outloud in class. No, I'm not making this up. Imagine the reaction of a 20 teenagers circa 1989 listening to a classmate try to pretend that the song they all knew was a poem. Classic.

Anyway, I'd like to blame this whole thing on not totally understanding English at that point in my life...but I don't think that was the case. This is just further proof that I have always been an absolute idiot.

Kids Playing Metal (aka: Asian kids can play "Crazy Train" at an earlier age than non-Asian kids. Science says so.)

Yup, it's true. The reason why many of you weren't able to play "Crazy Train" when you were six is because you're not Asian. Don't believe it? Science says so. You see, Asian languages rely heavily on tonal differences, which lead Asian children to have absolute pitch (aka perfect pitch) more often than non-Asian kids. Watching this video makes me so jealous.



Note: After "Crazy Train", the video gets decidedly un-metal, unless you consider Eric Clapton Metal.

Compare that to this American kid playing Slayer. I know I sound like a jerk for making fun of him, but please compare the two. At first, you think the kid's double bass skills are pretty good. But then it starts to sound like a sack of potatoes falling down a set of steps.

In all these videos, you can almost see the parent aiming a gun at the kid, forcing him to play. Poor kids, destined to live out their stupid father's failed dreams of rocking out. At least the kids will have YouTube proof for their therapists one day.





But worry not Americans, this kid comes in and saves the day. He's also an aspiring Lombardo, but manages to play much better than the previous kid. Yes, his triplets need a little work, and he's a bit sloppy at times...but Lars Ulrich only wishes his playing was this tight. There is hope for the US of A after all.

If You Can't Eat It Or Fuck It... Then Kill It!

Would you want to have to fight these guys?

You probably know Pete Steele as the lead singer of everyone's favorite goth metal band Type O Negative. You may also know him from his popular centerfold spread in the August 1995 issue of Playgirl. But his greatest contribution to society is the criminally underappreciated post-apocalyptic proto-thrash outfit Carnivore. Formed back in 1983 by then New York Parks Department employee "Lord Petrus Steele" along with drummer Louie Beateaux and guitarist Keith Alexander. Musically, Carnivore was like if Venom was from Brooklyn and obsessed with Mad Max instead of Satan. Sloppy, loud, fast, and heavy. Carnivore's music is a muscular speed metal all their own. From the picture above it's clear their biggest fashion influences were Manowar and the Legion of Doom. Known for drenching their audiences with buckets of animal blood, entrails, and assorted body parts, Carnivore was years ahead of shitty black metal bands like Mayhem and Gorgoroth who later stole their idea.

Simple, yet effective cover art

Carnivore's self-titled debut album is probably the manliest, most macho metal record ever made (sorry, Manowar). If you don't have a penis, you probably won't "get" this record, but that's okay. It's pure testosterone, with a healthy dose of sarcasm and cynicism. The album's lyrical concept revolves around life after a thermonuclear war. Roving gangs of neo-barbarians rule the streets where rape, murder, and cannibalism are accepted forms of self-expression. It's the soundtrack to the greatest 80s action movie that was never made. The album kicks off with "Predator," a song about the people living in the subways beneath the ruined city coming out and being eaten by Carnivore. "I sense that living human beings dwell below my feet/An important source of protein/You are what you eat!" Next up is the band's theme song and it contains all of Carnivore's favorite themes--sex, violence, and cannibalism. "Drool dripping out/My tongue hanging south/Saliva flowing free/My eyes full of lust/My balls gonna bust/Give yourself to me/Thirst I can't quench/C'mere you wench/There's something that I need." "Male Supremacy" is an epic worthy of its title that's sure to get any feminist's blood boiling with its hilarious shouted chorus of "MALE SUPREMACY!" Memorable lines include "Between my legs I've got what it takes to be called a man/Fighting/Feasting/Fucking all I can." As if the song weren't already over-the-top enough it features an extended acoustic breakdown where Steele romantically croons the sort of lines he'd later make a living from with Type O Negative. Alternating between a slow stomp and fast chugging, "Armageddon" is one of the catchiest songs on the album. Never before has the end of the world sounded this good.

Look at those fucking bass drums!!!

Coincidentally enough, side two of Carnivore starts off with the song "Legion of Doom" about a biker gang who's motto is "Live your life by your will/Learn to be an animal/By the light of the moon beware the legion of doom!" "God is Dead," featuring a killer cowbell-heavy chorus, is about God committing suicide because he's so depressed by what mankind has become. "You gang raped mother nature/I love a virgins cry/Blood poured from the earth/She suffered and she died/Rusty scissors still in hand you castrated father time/Feed his balls to the hounds that drink his cum like wine." "Thermonuclear Warrior" is one of the most raging, balls out tracks on the album advocating eugenics via homicide. The album closes with the ten minute epic to end all epics "World Wars III and IV." Riffs, dive-bombs, solos, explosions, and drum solos for days. You couldn't ask for a more fitting end to one of the greatest metal albums ever made.

Classic 80s shitty metal album cover art

Carnivore's second and final album, Retaliation, is also worth seeking out. The musicianship is tighter, the production is cleaner, and there's more of a hardcore/crossover vibe, but it's still very much a metal record. By this point they'd stopped wearing costumes and the lyrics are slightly more "serious," but still just as hilarious. The album starts off with the sound of someone puking their brains out and then launches into the scathing social commentary of "Angry Neurotic Catholics" followed by the anthemic "Suck My Dick." The controversial nature of this album mostly stems from the ridiculously over-the-top lyrics to "Race War." Lines like "Don't call me your brother 'cause I ain't your fuckin' brother/We fell from different cunts and your skin's an ugly color" tend to get people all worked up. Personally, I think it's tongue-in-cheek. How can anyone actually take what these guys sing about seriously after looking at these photos? Some people have no sense of humor.

Carnivores love meat

"Inner Conflict" is an epic suicide lament with extremely descriptive lyrics like "Large two inches maggots decorate my vomit/Infected eyes oozing puss/Acknowledge the stench of human excrement/Swamps of mucus prevalent/Every hole in my body drips blood." "Jesus Hitler" is the story of a mysterious figure born of a nun raped by a Nazi at the end of World War II. Jesus Hitler or Aldolf Christ? Torn between good and evil, has he come to save the Jews or destroy them? Brilliant Stuff. "Technophobia" is filled with more pro-technology, anti-religion rhetoric like "You worship a dead man hung with nails/Only a fool would die for the sins of humanity/On your knees before electronics." This is followed by a cover of Jimi Hendrix's "Manic Depression" that rivals the original. "USA for USA" is like when Agnostic Front makes the crowd say the Pledge of Allegiance before playing "Liberty and Justice" on Live at CBGB, but better. "All the bullshit countries who think they'll beat the giant/World peace is upheaval/We'll nuke'em to the stoneage/Send the message clear/'Ya don't fuck with the eagle." If I were an Army general in Iraq, this is what I'd want my troops listening to! Retaliation closes with the Clockwork Orange inspired "Sex and Violence." I leave you with its timeless lyrics...

Monkey wrench in my hand
In my groin a swollen gland
Tonight perform brain surgery
Or some gynecology
Clockwork orange fast be comming
Rampant sreets gangs overrunning
After darkness waging war
What do they keep living for?
Sex and violence
I love to hear you scream in vain
Splattered blood and semen stains
Rape and murder lesson learned
Meeting of my pain and sperm
Prey upon the old and helpless
Reconditioning is useless
Ultraviolent offsprings of gore
What do they keep living for?
Sex and violence
If you can't eat it or fuck it
Then kill it
Sexual deviation
Religious desecration
Civil mutilation
Violent procreation
Bleed for me