You're not my real dad: An interview with 16

With the possible exception of Lucho Metales, all of us here at Metal Inquisition are sad, broken men. It should come as no surprise, then, that we are also big fans of 16. I have been listening to 16 since I was in high school, but the older I get, the more I like them. This is because the more life crushes my spirit, shatters my dreams, destroys my ambition, and generally fills me with a pervasive sense of regret, self-loathing, and disappointment, the more I relate to 16's lyrics. If you have never heard them, they play sludgy shit along the lines of Cavity, Eyehategod, and Fudge Tunnel. Some of them were also in Despise You and Crom (which is why I asked so many questions about them). Please buy their shit from Relapse.


You are now on Relapse. How is that working out? In the contract, does it say you have to grow a beard, purchase a pair of rapist glasses, and beat off to anime tentacle-rape snuff porn in your parents' basement to fit in with all their mouth-breathing fans?

Jason: I wrote the "Agreement" as it's called in the business world. It is a small 237 page document that actually has a specific "Grooming Clause" that outlines specifically what each member of 16 MUST do on a daily basis and an amendment for "Show Grooming" tips. Relapse had some issues with the testicle shaving and pubic hair removal or dye requirements as they didn't want to spend the $50 a month for my Brazilian Waxing and olive green dye I use for the nether region. They didn't have any real issues with our sunglasses as they know we are going to be so hugely famous and they expect us to entirely reshape their existing fan base. We are not allowed to "beat-off" ourselves anymore (it's in the Agreement) but we are allowed a 2 minute "reach around" which can be administered by any band member and only one Sunday a month. Things are working our great with Relapse but I will submit an amendment to the existing agreement this week that will outline Spring and Summer wardrobe requests from the band. I follow fashion and really need the latest leather studded boxers with matching leather dog mask from "The Gauntlet" sex shop for our Summer shows.

Bobby: Relapse has contracts? I don't remember signing anything. Ask my bank because my signature is fucking worthless and I never read anything; I just sign it and never do what the stupid piece of paper told me to do in the first place. In California we do not have basements to beat off in. We usually take longer showers to rub one out while we live in a car outside of our parent's house so we can pursue our "dreams".

I also got a Meat Shits Discharge cover dedicated to me at a bar once. I walked outside to smoke so I would not hear it.

We are all big Meat Shits fans. I know it's hard, but if you had to pick just one thing that makes them great, what would it be? And you can't say "their painstaking approach to song craft and crystal-clear production."

Jason: I have no real time to discuss any other band right now as I am negotiating an endorsement for 16 with UGG boots.

Bobby: Meat Shits "Sniper at the fag parade" is a cd I got as a gift from a guy who later killed himself. True story. I've never listened to it. I also got a Meat Shits Discharge cover dedicated to me at a bar once. I walked outside to smoke so I would not hear it. My friend Max was the DJ and there were some sketchy skinheads there. I will continue to ignore this band because based on past history if I get into it something very bad will happen to me.

Tony: The only thing i can remember about them is the cover of one of their records. It was a picture of a girl who's sucking...wait. i'll keep it clean. let's just say it's a picture of a girl who's "snappin' into a slim jim."

Who needs HG Wells when you've got Mike Browning??

If I had access to the Nocturnus time machine, I would go back and uncover the secret identities of the mysterious Despise You. Especially that girl "Leticia." What would you do with it??

Jason: H.G. Wells made a better time machine so straight-up fuck Nocturnus. I already know the Despise You identities. I wouldn't even get into the time machine though. I'd get airsick and the past is the past. The less I know the better. Knowing me I'd get into some gunfights, become a drug kingpin and get stuck in prison wishing I wouldn't have left my couch watching "Gangland" and "Lockup."

Bobby: Despise You are bigger in LA than Fishbone or Mary's Danish ever were. It's really a testament to capitalism. Hmm, Time Machine, I would go back and live my life exactly like I have except I would not be bummed because I would know exactly how it all turns out and would not be continually surprised at how shitty it all really is.

Anyway, back to the time machine. I'd travel back to that one day in 4th grade, only this time, I'd refuse to go into that creepy bike shop owner's apartment with my best friend Dudley.

Tony: I actually do know the real identity of the elusive (original recordings) "Leticia." That's not her real name of course, but she was in fact a smokin' hot Latina. That was a long time ago. She was probably 19 years old back then. She must be in her early thirties now. Total granny. Anyway, back to the time machine. I'd travel back to that one day in 4th grade, only this time, I'd refuse to go into that creepy bike shop owner's apartment with my best friend Dudley.

This logo means "quality"!

You might be surprised to learn that even though some of us at Metal Inquisition were on the Wild Rags street team, we never actually met Richard C. Being from Southern California, have you? If so, what did he smell like?

Jason: What the fuck was "Wild Rags?" Who? My personal trainer is here and I have to tan. Be back in a bit.

Bobby: Since Wild Rags was on Whittier blvd. he probably smelled like carne asada and horchata. I liked that store and actually purchase a few choice items from it. When you bought something he would give you a bunch of free crappy promo shit so I thought he was a righteous dude back then. I went there high on methamphetamine and looked through the whole used cd selection for like 2 hours and only purchases one item. No wonder that place was auctioned by a bank and ran out of business.

Tony: Is he the Wild Rags guy? I only went there twice, and i think i held my breath both times. Sorry about that. I made eye contact with him, though.

Chris Elder is angry because someone talked him into putting out a Fishsticks song

Former Pessimiser CEO Chris Elder is one of my favorite human beings of all time, and he has the best handwriting ever. But I feel bad for him because he's so angry. What's up with that? Is it just because he's short? Who the hell were Fishsticks, and why did he put them on Cry Now, Cry Later Vol I?

Jason: Ahhh, my skin is a golden brown and I just did 2 hours of Yoga. Where was I... Oh yeah, Elder's penmanship is quite an art-form. It should be a mandatory font for computers. I have saved all my Birthday cards, Easter cards, death threats, Christmas cards, etc that he gave me since I got jumped into the Pessimiser Fan Club. He is far from angry, just misunderstood. He just knows the truth. If you call him short" ever again in my presence I will send Vin Diesel to your house and he will kick your ass. Time to "check yo' self before you wreck yo' self." Fishsticks, ha! That sucked didn't it. That was the ONLY song NEVER played from that 2X7". When I put the CD version in my iTunes I deleted that song. My Dad played the Stapled Shut song so much he ruined the record. He told me stories of hanging with those guys and getting kicked out of Disneyland for shoplifting.

Bobby: You know I was always impressed with Elder's handwriting too. It's backhand gangster style. I don't know if he's all that angry, he more of a genius humorist for our time. Like a modern day Will Rogers. Try being white and growing up in Inglewood, that guy is a survivor that's for sure.

We're very open-minded here at Metal Inquisition. I mean, we'll listen to anything from Bloodcum to Wasted Youth, or from Scatterbrain to Mordred. What stuff in your record collection would surprise people?

Jason: Trick Trick, Sade, Ca$his, Julie London, Active Member, Compton's Most Wanted, Obie Trice, Komis X, and Pink.

Bobby: Kidz Bop Volume 9 and Mindfunk. My kid really likes Kelly Clarkson too.

Tony: Sam Cooke, and the mighty H&O.

You're all old and bitter, so I'm sure you are confused and frightened by new developments in youth culture. What do you make of new genres like wigger slam, screamo crunk, and wigger black metalcore?

Jason: Those are all solid examples of why I own numerous firearms and weapons. Chances are if I leave the house to go anywhere douche bags like that congregate, I'll kill someone or multiple "people" (term used loosely). Bobby did call me a "White N-word" on tour last month and I have toyed with the idea of creating "Wigger Sludgecore." I'd probably be the richest fucker on the planet with that one... Time to take my meds. I weep for the future.

Bobby: This all just confirms the apocalypse is near and restores my faith in what we as -16- do. I say let them combines everything until it's all beige. "Extreme" music will become a perfect palatable combination of styles where everyone can grab onto something but as a whole it lacks anything innovative other than the fact that they combined musical feces to create more well more feces. A glorious stew of shit.

Tony: I'm speechless, dawg.

"Maybe funk grind or better yet funk funeral doom will be the next craptacular trend."

Bands like Municipal Waste have been raping Anthrax/DRI-style "thrash" for a while now, with mixed results. Why don't they copy cooler thrash bands like Annihilator, Meliah Rage and Toxik? When will they start incorporating Mordred-style slap bass?

Jason: I saw Anthrax when Lamb of God "opened" for them and boy did Anthrax suck. I am not familiar with any of the "cooler" thrash bands you mentioned. Don't slap bass, slap bitches instead.

Bobby: It is all cyclical but just wait until Body Count comes back in vogue. Funk metal is about due for a comeback as well. Maybe funk grind or better yet funk funeral doom will be the next craptacular trend.

Tony: I'm just glad they haven't imitated Gothic Slam yet. I'm in the process of biting that sound. Keep that under your hat, if you don't mind.

The clothes on the floor are my still-unpacked suitcase from the 2009 Metal Inquisition Mid-Atlantic Innovation Retreat at Lucho Metales' compound/ranch last weekend. The couch is from Ikea.

Like I said before, when I was in high school I jocked Chris Elder like nobody's business. I even have a "Cry Now, Cry Later" tattoo! Anyway, I knew he liked Beowulf so I tried really, really hard to get into them, but I never could because they are fucking terrible. Along the same lines, I remember in the late 90s a lot of kids started pretending to like Hirax because Max Ward from Spazz was hyping them. Other than being on Chris' dick like I was, is there a reason to appreciate either of these awful bands that I'm missing?

Jason: I listen to NOTHING but grind core, rap, hardcore and drop tuned ghetto metal so I can't offer any reply on the musical stylings of Beowulf or Hirax. Katon from Hirax and I have always had each other‘s back since we hooked up at Rehab in 1982 when I was 12 years old with a serious PCP addiction. He slipped me a shank after being threatened by another patient, one of the Pittsburgh Steelers. After that we rolled deep. I haven't seen him in years since I relapsed and started huffing Freon. Rap City is on, I'll be back...

Bobby: Beowulf is bad ass. I don't know what you're talking about. Welcome to Venice was a high water mark for music in my youth for me. Maybe it's about where we're from. I don't know where Metal Inquisition corporate headquarters is but in California Venice was the toughest skate and music scene ever so whether we really liked the music or not we respected it out of healthy boyhood fear. I actually liked the music though. Call me weird. Hirax I've seen live and they killed it. Raging Violence is bad ass. I must be a trendy fuck or it's a demographic thing. By the late 90's I was already over most things altogether so I missed out on all the kids pretending.

Tony: I'll appreciate Beowulf because they could kick my ass. I don't want them finding out i slagged them, because i'd run the risk of getting beat up. Hirax rules because of Katon, but I'm not a huge fan of the bass player. I was nice enough to let him use my bass rig one time when we opened for them, and he was giving me a fair amount of attitude while i explained the minor problems with my amp. Apparently he thought i worked at the club. Fuck that guy. Actually, don't print that. He could probably kick my ass too.

Rickenbacker basses and Red Hot Chili Peppers shirts?! Not brutal!! At least there is a James Murphy solo.

Obituary caused quite a stir by wearing extremely non-brutal Rollins Band and Red Hot Chili Peppers shirts in the video for "The End Complete." What shirt would you wear in your video if you wanted to rile up 16 fans?

Jason: The "Fashion" clause in our relapse Agreement prevents me from wearing any band shirts in a video or Blockbuster Hollywood movie. I can either wear no shirt or a leather vest. If I could wear a shirt with the intent to "rile up" 16 fans, I would wear a shirt that says "16 Fucks Your Mom The Hardest" in a video.

Bobby: We're getting an official video? All right! If I wear no shirt our "fans" will get riled. Most band shirts are kind of lame anyway, especially if they are totally huge bands. Why would Obituary wear something as lame as a chili peppers shirt? Rollins Band was heavier than most back then so I support that fashion move.

I couldn't find one of their hockey jerseys, but this navy ringer tees screams "crappy mid-90s alt-metal merch" just as loudly

Long ago in a galaxy far away, I spent $65 on a Prong hockey jersey. What is your most questionable metal purchase? Did you ever own Deicide "jams" or an Ugly Kid Joe baja jacket?

Jason: I have never been allowed to "purchase" ANY metal items. I can receive them as gifts. I have always had a Personal Assistant and Manager as I am a huge celebrity and have been since age 7. The gifts are screened by my PA and then passed on to me via private courier daily. I am endorsed currently by Dolce Gabanna and Roberto Cavalli for menswear. I do need to mention that the UGG endorsement is strictly for Tony, our bass player as he has a personal love with their "boots." I did purchase a "metal" ring once that left a green mark on my finger. This had serious repercussions for me and my family as I was the current leading male hand model for Neutrogena hand creams. I was fired and lost hundreds of thousands of dollars as a result. I prefer white gold to metal these days.

Bobby: I actually don't have any because I've always been too broke, too cool, too addicted, or not into any band enough to buy their merchandise. 16 have stress balls now if anyone wants to make a questionable metal purchase of their own. I'd like to make 16 ponchos as well. That's close to a baja jacket and will probably be looked back upon the same in a few years. The Naked Raygun comb has stood the test of time though.

Jason: As an after-note, I will probably catch a ton of shit for this interview as my Manager did not "pre-screen" it. You fags better appreciate it. This one may cost me my career and "Wheaties" endorsement.

Retroview: Suicidal Tendencies discography (or at least most of it)

Suicidal Tendencies was my entry into the world of punk, hardcore, and metal back in 1989. They've had their ups and downs, to say the least, but I figured it was high time for a retroview of their discography. This is going to be long, but bear with me!! (that's what she said). PS don't forget to join our group on Last.fm!!

Self-Titled (1983)
Obviously this is pretty much the best record ever released and if you don't worship it, you should probably blow your brains out immediately to salvage what's left of your honor. This record is pretty much why I like all the stuff I like now: hardcore, graffiti, metal, fighting, and the West Coast. Where do I ever start?!

First of all, I'm not sure why they decided to cover up those dope shirts with that dumb photo of them hanging from the jungle gym, but whatever. I can't count the hours I spent studying all the shirts on the cover, copying them or trying to make up my own designs. They still look fucking cool. My favorite is the "Suicidal Cycos" one on the middle right. I actually have that goat head/pentagram tattooed on my forearm. When I was 11 or 12 years old, I definitely pulled my socks up high when I wore shorts, buttoned my flannels up to the very top, and otherwise tried to imitate them as much as possible. I used to be kind of embarrassed about it, but fuck that! I was cool! Being an 11 year old kid that jocked Suicidal is way cooler than being into MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice or whatever was popular at the time.



Anyhow, as far as the record goes, needless to say, every fucking song on here is a classic! If I had to pick just one as my favorite, I guess it would be the first song, "Suicide's An Alternative," because I still listen to it when I'm confused and angry at the world and want to break shit and/or kill people. As someone on their Youtube comments said, "Best 'fuck the world and myself included' lyrics of all time." It's pretty clear that 16 spent plenty of time jamming Suicidal when they were kids, too. I also love the breakdown in that song where he's going on about making a deal with Satan or whatever. I still don't really get what that's all about, but it's fucking cool and that's an awesome riff.

I shot Reagan! I shot the pope!

All the other songs on this record are classics, too, and I could literally write page after page about each one, but I won't. I also really liked how they weren't afraid to have ass-ripping metal solos in the mix. I mean, "Institutionalized" is like one big fucking solo. I'm 30 years old, and listening to this right now at my desk makes me want to drink a 40, write on other people's shit, and punch a fuckin' cop in the face!

Sick of people - no ones real
Sick of chicks - they're all bitches
Sick of you - you're too hip
Sick of life - it sucks

Suicide's an alternative

Sick of trying - what's the point
Sick of talking - no one listens
Sick of listening - it's all lies
Sick of thinking - just end up confused
Sick of moving - never get no where
Sick of myself - don't wanna live
Sick and tired - and no one cares
Sick of life - it sucks

Sick of politics - for the rich
Sick of power - only oppresses
Sick of government - full of tyrants
Sick of school - total brainwash
Sick of music - top 40 sucks
Sick of myself - don't wanna live
Sick and tired - and no one cares
Sick of life - it sucks

Suicide's an alternative

Sick of life - it sucks
Sick and tired - and no one cares
Sick of myself - don't wanna live
Sick of living - I'm gonna die

Join The Army (1987)
The most obvious thing to say about this record, of course, is that this album is when Suicidal stopped being a hardcore band and started being a metal band. And let me tell you, this record is metal as fuck!! They came down with a serious case of chopaholism, lots of choppity-choppity-chop riffing going on here in songs like "Looking In Your Eyes." There's also lots of monster slam riffs, like the one at the beginning of "Suicidal Maniac." By the way, that reminds me of something we left off the thrash metal checklist: a song about some kind of killer thrash metal warrior-mascot and how awesome it/he is (see also Megadeth "Psychotron").

I think of this record as their "Breeding The Spawn": a potential classic hampered by awful, muddy production. There are some really great songs on here like "Cyco," "Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right," and of course "Possessed to Skate," but the terrible production makes it hard to listen to them.



I love the video for "Possessed to Skate" for so many reasons! Again, I could seriously make a whole post just about this video because nearly every frame is priceless, but I'll just include a brief version here for the sake of completeness.

Why is he using such an enormous pen to do his calculus?!

Even at 12 years old, I knew it was funny that he used that skinny little microphone like Bob Barker on The Price Is Right.

This was the beginning of my 20-year love affair with graffiti, especially Southern California styles. Next stop, CBS, MSK, AWR, LTS and KOG!

It's not an 80s thrash video without a cabinet TV! See also Megadeth: "I wanna watch the news!!"

Shit, I don't even know what to say about them pulling the plug out to drain the pool... Amazing!! Mind = blown!

On another note, the cover of this record is highly disturbing! I am not sure what they were trying to communicate with that image of the crazy guy with a crazy face made of silly putty pointing at you?? He sort of reminds me of Solid Snake, and it's also pretty impressive how crisp his serratus are! This is also when they switched over to their metal logo, with a sweet airbrushed gradient in it to make it look like it was actually made of metal (as was the style at the time).

How Will I Laugh (1988)
Let's be honest, this record is pretty much total crap. I mean it's kind of fun to listen to with your nostalgia-tinted headphones on, but it's not exactly a classic. The only song I really like is "Surf & Slam," and even then it's only because it reminds me of the T&C Surf video game for NES. I was pretty shocked when the singer of that hardcore band Inhuman told me this was his favorite Suicidal record. Also, the video for "Trip At The Brain" is pretty funny! I should post about that one too, there are some great moments. Here's a pretty cool death metal cover of it.

Needless to say, I thought this was the coolest fucking house ever and when I was 13, I wanted to live there more than anything I have ever wanted!!

But man, I love the cover of this record so much!! Mike Muir just came from a car club meeting with those ridiculous pants and wifebeater, Bob Heathcote looks like he should be running a drill press at some metal shop, and Rocky George begins the proud tradition of the Pirates hat. Then there is the guy in the brown shirt who actually looks pretty cool except that, thanks to Municipal Waste or whatever, you'd think he's some kind of jerky "thrash revival" kid.

Controlled By Hatred (1989)
Fuck yes!! This is my second-favorite Suicidal record, I love it a lot! As many of you probably know, a bunch of these songs are re-recorded versions of No Mercy songs, which are way better than the originals because the production on the No Mercy LP makes "Breeding The Spawn" sound like an audiophile's wet dream. These songs have a cool thrashy, punk vibe that takes you back to the early days of Suicidal, only with crisp metal production- kind of like that Slayer covers record (which I think is also really good despite not being a big Slayer fan).



The best track on here is "Master of No Mercy," which I have always thought was their most underrated song (technically it is No Mercy song, I guess). If you can make it through the chorus without aggressively headbanging at your co-workers or roommates, you're a stronger man than I am. I just got up yelled, "He's the arsenic in your Kool-Aid, he's the bomb in your mail!!" at the girl whose desk is across from mine! Seriously, what an awesome thrash song! I don't know who or what the Master of No Mercy is, but I am sure he's bad as fuck!

This is from the Excel MySpace, but might as well have been one of my 8th grade binder covers

I remember seeing some piece (graffiti) years ago that had "Master of No Mercy" written next to it and I was pretty stoked, like "Yeah, that dude knows what's up!" I think it was Orfn, but it might have been Fate or something, I don't remember. In any case, I love this song and this whole album a lot! I could probably do without the "Heavy Emotion Version" of "How Will I Laugh Tomorrow," but nothing is perfect so whatever.

The guy on the left is an American Apparel model we photoshopped in

The cover is also awesome. I've drawn that ST probably hundreds of times, and I definitely spent lots of time trying to copy the sick cholo writing on the lyric sheet. Fast forward to 2009 and I'm 30 years old, still doodling cholo-inspired graffiti on every piece of paper I come near (ask everybody I work with). Like I said, Suicidal is basically how I got into everything I've been into for my adult life. Having just typed that, I feel a little silly about being so captivated by a band, especially one who went on to be as abominable as Suicidal, but what can you do??


Lights Camera Revolution (1990)
Perhaps it's my nostalgia goggles at work, but I'd like to think this record isn't complete shit. I mean it's definitely not great, but it has its moments for sure. "Send Me Your Money" is the prerequisite attack on corruption with organized religion. "Alone" is a touching, heartfelt song about Cyco Miko feeling lonely. I'd like to think that the 19 year-old Mike from the first album would have shanked Cyco Miko for being a sensitive pussy, but who knows? Without access to the Nocturnus time machine, we can never be sure.



"You Can't Bring Me Down" is, of course, the highlight of the record. I mean, it's the origin of the "Charles Manson eating Froot Loops on your front porch" tag, which is right up there with "Things I would destroy if I had access to the Nocturnus time machine." The video is pretty sweet, but I'm getting sleepy so I might have to save the frame-by-frame analysis for another post.

Apparently this is the current Suicidal lineup?? I have no fucking clue who any of these people are other than Mike Muir. He could at least bring Brooks Wackerman back.

All their other shit (1990-present)
Because I like Suicidal so much, I'm just going to pretend none of this exists. If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything, right? I did kind of like that song "Psycho Vision" or whatever that they had in one of the earlier Tony Hawk Pro Skater games I played a lot (THPS2 for Dreamcast is the best IMO).

Without Suicidal, we would never have been blessed with Despise You. And a world without Despise You is one that I don't want to live in!!