Friday, July 10, 2009

Random thoughts

A still from the first Metal Inquisition video podcast, soon to be released. In the premiere episode of what promises to be a long-running series, I will discuss how difficult it is to open albums due to that cellophane that they wrap them with. That's the kind of hilarious and insightful commentary you can expect from our podcast series.



Most of my posts for this blog come to me quickly, and always fully formed... and ready to be shared with the world. This, I believe, is a clear sign of my comedic genius as well as my above average intelligence. From time to time, however, lesser thoughts come to mind, and I generally disregard them. Today, however, I present all you (our beloved readers) with some of the very thoughts that fill my brain nearly every hour of the day. These are leftovers, but good ones. Much like you can make sloppy joe's out of old hamburgers, I have made a post out of discarded thoughts. In a sense, I am welcoming you to my inner thoughts, and what goes on inside my mind. It ain't much, but it's all I've got. Welcome to my hell. Welcome to the hell.

I should note that this format (small bits rather than lengthy posts about one subject) have inspired the Metal Inquisition video podcasts, which will be released soon via iTunes, and will be compiled as a DVD series to be released internationally by Steamhammer records. The videos will feature me at my desk (see picture above) sharing my observational remarks about the world of metal and the culture that surrounds it. Stay tuned as we continue to update you on the podcasts, but in the meantime enjoy this post/piece.


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Google loves us. How do I know? If you search for any of the following things on Google:

Blue Grape Merchandise

Metal Inquisition

Wigger slam

Tommy Victor disease

Robb Flynn's disease

The first result listed is none other than Metal Inquisition. This may seem like a small feat to many of you, but here at MI we take our success seriously. As such, commemorative plates will be given out this August during our annual company picnic. Note that "metal inquisition" is one of the terms that we have the top listing for. While this may seem obvious, I can just hear the blood pressure of members from the band Piledriver skyrocketting as I type this. Why? Can you imagine naming a song and album "Metal Inquisition", then having it become more popular by a bunch of dudes who don't even really like your music?

Oh, I should mention, that I'm a bit disappointed that we are not the top result when you search for:

David Vincent muffin top


We are the second listing, but that's just not good enough. The struggle continues.







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The turning signal in my car makes a clicking sound that is exactly the same tempo as Prong's "Lost And Found". When you play drums, like I do, you encounter this sort of thing all the time. My last car's turning signal was exactly half the tempo of Laaz Rockit's "Fire In The Hole"

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A question for all of you who live in Europe, do you sometimes hear the whole world laughing at you? If you do, here's why:





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Have I ever mentioned how disappointed I am by the lack of free stuff I get as a result of writing on this blog? I know you will all hate me for saying this, as I'm supposed to write on the blog just because I love it..and I do...but damn it, free stuff would really sweaten the deal. I have not gotten one single thing for free as a result of my bringing happiness to people around the world. In comparison, most other blogs I read (about very different topics) have fewer readers and yet they get free stuff all the time. Lots of it, and they simply review it or whatever, and that's all . I hereby ask our readers to put uncle Lucho on their wills. Leave me your vinyl collection (so I can sell it on eBay), or simply send me your well-cared for long sleeve metal shirts (all size small thank you). Look, if you have free tickets to major sporting events or major label concerts give them to me. Kelly Clarkson? Sure, I'll go see her. Like a good latino, I'll never turn down anything that is free. Send me buckets of house paint, carpet scraps, cycling stuff, HVAC repair manuals, and/or harmonica instructional videos....anything. I swear, I wont tell anyone...so there would be no risk of us selling out. See how that works? If no one knows, it didn't happen. So if you get me tickets to some horrible show, or the Superbowl...no one has to know. Shhhhh.

I'm kinda' kidding. Wait, no I'm not. See, the problem is that the only thing people would probably send us would be horrible metal CDs to review...which are useless, and would simply pile up around my house. I see now that the problem is that we write about metal, something I like but don't necesseraly want more of. Why did we have to start a blog about metal, which is something that you can't get any cool free stuff for? How stupid were we? We should have started a blog called "Ferrari's, stacks of money and supermodels". I mean, metal is cool and all...but the best some horrible label could do is send us horrible CDs from their horrible bands, which all suck. Why can't someone send me the original master tapes to the Terrorizer album, or the headphones that Scott Burns wore on the back of the Terrorizer album.

* I should note that after this entry was originally written one of our great supporters/readers has been kind enough to send us some free t-shirts and sweet merch. Many thanks to this kind soul for hooking it up.

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Does anyone remember the records that were widely available in the early 90s that featured interviews with metal bands, instead of music? I used to get so damn excited to see that some rare Slayer EP had made its way to my local record store...only to realize when I was about to buy it that it was just a stupid interview with Tom Araya from a radio show in France. What an odd relic from another time these records are. I now wish I had some of them. Here's an Anthrax one.



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While watching Iron Maiden's "Flight 666" documentary on TV, I realized that Nicko McBrain's nose is actually even more fucked up than I originally thought. I mean, he has no nose at all. Does anyone have any information regarding what on earth happen to his face? Did Clive Burr chew it off in as an act of vengance? Was Nicko the model that Derrick Riggs used when first painting Eddie? The only information I found out was not helpful at all, and came from an interview that Metal Sludge did with Nicko. Here it is:

You have an extremely flat face and nose. Kind of like one of those Pug dogs. Has anyone ever mentioned this to you and does it bother you?

No, it doesn't bother me mate.
But you too can have a Roman nose,

It'll be Roman all over your face.(TEE HEE).

So that reply from Nicko doesn't exactly give us any answers...although it does answer the age-old question: Is Nicko McBrain funny? The answer, as you can see, is "no".

As I've reported before, Nicko is a born again christian. With a face like his, I really don't understand his spiritual beliefs. I mean, much in the same way that many Jewish people who went through the Holocaust ceased to believe in God...if I had Nicko's face...I really wouldn't believe in a higher power. Talk about blind faith.

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About Anthrax's lackluster State Of Euphoria:

- Does EVERYONE'S copy of State of Euphoria feature a supposedly "limited edition" hologram sticker?

- I once showed my dad the artwork on the back of the album, which was done by that one guy from MAD Magazine, in an attempt to show him that the band was legitimate and not satan worshipers. My dad really liked MAD magazine, but failed to see Megaforce records shelling out some dough to have that illustration made as a sign of the band's legitimacy.

- As a kid, the cover of this record drove me insane, partially because it had no obvious direction. It had a logo on every side, so it had no obvious right side up. I guess that was part of the idea...but to this day it gets me angry. Similarly, Slayer's Haunting The Chapel cover angers me to no end due to it's disregard for information hierarchy. How can you have the EP's name over the band name? Come on now. What's next cats mating with dogs? Is the whole world going crazy?

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One of the many unrealized dreams I have in life is the fact that I have never gone ahead and done the very thing I insisted I would do since I was about ten years old. No, I'm not talking about going skydiving, climbing Mt Everest, or spending a week in Cancun (actually, I've done that last one). I'm talking about starting a Kiss tribute band that would ONLY play songs from their best two albums, Music From The Elder and Unmasked.

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My brother and I once got tickets to see a taping of the David Letterman show. Luckily, we ended up sitting on the balcony, right above the band's drummer Anton Fig. In case you don't know, Anton Fig is a studio drummer who played on a few Kiss albums as a result of Peter Criss being too drunk and/or sucking too much to play on those albums. Fig played on my favorite Kiss song, Torpedo Girl. As such, during the entire taping of the show, I would lean over the balcony and yell down at him "Play Torpedo Girl!". After the twentieth time of me yelling this out, he looked up at me...and gave me the look. What is "the look" you ask? The way you look at the town idiot before you stone him to death and defecate on his face. I was very quiet for the rest of the taping, including the interview with Uma Thurman.


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Have you ever wondered what Joey DeMaio's weightlifting routine is? Have you ever wondered just how homoerotic things can get for Manowar while they're on the road? Well, you're in luck...because this video will show you everything you need to know. Please note that they count in german, and that Eric Adams likes to wear denim shirts to go to the beach. This video remeinds me of the time that I saw The Misfits on that first reunion tour. There was a large crowd behind the venue, I thought it was a fight. It wasn't, the band was lifting weights. Oy.

33 comments:

  1. Nicko is a former boxer, presumably not a very good one from the looks of the nose.

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  2. Europe: Overzealous Manowar fans
    America: Juggalos

    Score 1-0

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  3. "Information hierarchy" made me laugh my ass off!

    Oh, and ANY post that referneces Anthrax is solid gold in my eyes.

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  4. Good lord -- Nicko's face is more punched in than ESPN fight commentator Teddy Atlas'.

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  5. Funny about that State of Euphoria sticker, I have no idea what I did with that one!

    One thing that did piss me off though was that I Am the Man EP that they put out (and that, stupidly and blindly, I bought).

    You have six songs on each side of the tape, 3 of them are different versions of the I Am the Man song... What the fuck?! You're supposed to stomach the same song 3 times in one half hour?!

    Cool post, makes my Friday afternoon more pleasant.

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  6. Holy shit, is that a denim vest!?!

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  7. John, if you think hearing three different I Am The Man versions on one side is annoying, then don't buy the new Manowar duel CD EP. The second disc is composed entirely of the same song recorded in 16 different languages.

    I must admit, though, hearing Eric Adams trying to sing in Finnish, Hungarian, Polish, and Japanese will be inconceivably funny.

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  8. That manowar video just gave me a hard on.

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  9. State of Euphoria makes no sense at all. Its an oxymoron because Euphoria is a good feeling, but the cover art is depicting chaotic, crazy, anxiety. Even MORE proof that Anthrax is the worlds stupidest, funniest metal band.

    I have this tape collection that I made that I call "live metal talking". Basically I have strung together like 30+ minutes of the dumbest stage banter ever produced by metal bands on stage. Anthrax with Neil Turbin is the funniest thing I have heard EVER. More hilarious than any commedian routine.

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  10. Glen Benton's hair looks like a Muffintop nowdays.

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  11. I liked "I'm the Man" when it came out. Metalheads are so serious when making music and this was a great antidote. And although it didn't blaze the trail to rap-metal like their PE collab would (for better or worse), it was a ballsy and groundbreaking move. Almost all the metal dudes I knew then were pretty racist so I bet it was a bit of a gut-punch when one of the "Big Four" did a rap record.

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  12. You know if you watch that clip of Manowar working out and you close your eyes and just listen to the audio, it sounds like a bunch of gays having sexytime! HA HA!

    My girlfriend was sitting on the couch just now doing her makeup and all she could hear is the audio! She said "what is that, it sounds kind of gay"! HA HA HA!

    And I said "oh its Manowar" working out!

    -LEE

    AWESOME! And my word verification to post this is "urave"!? DUDE I RAVE ALL THE TIME!!!!!

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  13. Re: the cellophane wrapping that makes records hard to open... Record nerd tip: If you rub the edge of the unopened record against your pants really fast for 10 seconds or so, an opening will melt through the plastic. This helps protect the record because the plastic stays on it, and it's way easier than man-handling the corners in an attempt to get the cellophane off.

    The same goes for those promo CDs in cardboard covers too, but those usually aren't worth opening anyway.

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  14. Every little thought in this piece was hilarious, bravo Lucho and thank you.

    Weightlifting/Sweating on a leather sofa = Manowar

    And that Nicko McBrain picture is shopped, right?

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  15. I'd love to see that video with Andy Rooney

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  16. I'd love to have a copy of Carrion for Worm on vinyl.

    STOP BOGARTING THAT RECORD ANDY ROONEY!!!

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  17. Speaking of random things. Here's a video from Pamplona where a guy gets gored to death by El Toro.

    But wait! Who the one spinning around at 1:11 into the video?

    http://www.cuatro.com/noticias/videos/peligroso-encierro-san-fermin-deja-muerto-varios-heridos/20090710ctoultpro_15/

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  18. Wow, are you the long-haired guy that is shown in the video at 1:12? If that's you, you are a lucky bastard! Go get drunk and celebrate!

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  19. I got an e-mail from Phil Fasciana saying that was him in the video.

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  20. I love putting the title of the album above band's logo!
    As always, Slayer were ahead of their time...

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  21. What? Joey DeMaio can't afford a real gym room? Ick. Nast.

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  22. Anton Fig rules on Dynasty, the greatest Kiss record.

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  23. Lucho, I'm going to search my basement for random old crap to send to you now.

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  24. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  25. The drummer from Shattered Realm gave me "THE LOOK" when I met him outside one of their shows like two years back. I asked him why he doesn't just get Fury of Five back together and he told me something or other about hating Ismean because he owed him money, and I was like "HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU HATE JAMES ISMEAN?!?!" and then did my trademark very genuinely awesome impression of that horrible screeching thing that he does on songs like "Forever Down". This was the first time I ever met a guy from a band I loved and felt that they REALLY hated me. :o(
    --LEV

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  26. Sorry I have been a bit quiet of late, I've been in Africa for the past three weeks and they don't have electrickery there. Anyway, good piece. I have sent you my entire record collection as payment for allowing me to read this stuff. I didn't know where to send it it so I marked the envelope with 'MI, USA' I'm guessing it should get there. That guy in that European video is my dad. Don't mock him.

    Also I had a Slayer interview disc, exactly as you describe. I think I still have it but I probably only listened to it once. One of the reasons was that it sounded like it had been recorded under a motorway bridge and not only could we, the audience, not hear the questions, neither could Tom Araya as he kept having to ask the interviewer to repeat herself...

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  27. Do you guys really think the music from The Elder is that bad? I know the concept failed, but the music is decent

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  28. alex, i'm sure the post office will get your shipment to us...i'm sure of it.

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  29. I love anthrax. I love kiss. I love manowar. I love slayer. I have nuclear death on vinyl.

    Lucho, you are my brother and I love you, but posts like this one piss me off. Too much info, bro! I have too much to say, but can't remember half of it by the time I hit "leave comment".

    Torpedo Girl is a sweet tune.

    I want free stuff too. I wish we did a blog about hot girls.

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  30. You guys had better update soon, or risk being "easily assaulted" by "Internet faggits" and Amway salespeople.
    Engorging the Engorgitty forever.

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  33. I appreciate your spanking post . So lot so thanks .

    ReplyDelete