Back in the United States of America, God's country.

Once I decided upon "Back in the United States of America, God's country." as the title for this piece, I searched through my photo archives for an image that would best express what the USA embodies. As luck would have it, a picture of Donna Stewart-Barris (from Metal Inquisition's accounts payable department) was emailed to me right on time. The picture was taken during our annual company picnic, right after the raffle, during which Donna won a copy of Bolt Thrower's War Master album. Congratulations Donna!



After a thoroughly enjoyable trip to Europe in order to see the Tour de France, I'm now safely back home in the US of A. As a result of Metal Inquisition being a journalistic forum that is devoted to horrible music and not sports, I'll give you only a couple of details about the trip. Why only a few details? Because I don't want to turn off the few remaining readers we have as a result of the stream of posts having slowly dwindled into a trickle in the last month. Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes, Mr Skullkrusher and I did make it on to the TV broadcast of the Tour de France. Simply watch every five hour stage of the last two weeks and look for us. Good luck.



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Most healthy adults are able to let go of the silly thoughts and dreams they had as children. That is simply not the case for my brother and me. Sometimes you simply HAVE to do things that the 11 year old version of you would have thought were the shit. The idea of Jens Voigt and Thor Hushovd riding their bikes over an Iron Maiden logo at the Tour de France was simply intoxicating...and as such...we made it happen! Hooray for the 11 year old versions of us! We did it!!! Fuckin-a!

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Just last week, I spent a very pleasant afternoon with Mr Bike Snob NYC, who is truly a scholar and a gentleman. As we conversed about the unstoppable freight train of metal schlock that was/is Morbid Angel, I suddenly remembered something that I had long ago put away in the dark recesses of my mind. In the early and mid 90s, I attended a couple of shows in which the audience suddenly began to seig heil. If I remember correctly, this happened in both a Morbid Agnel show (perhaps as a result of David Vincent's very tasteful, and period-appropriate SS uniform) as well as several Slayer shows. Did anyone else experience this during that time? Was it just confined to the area of the country where I lived back then? By the way, don't be a smartass and respond that you saw it once at a Skrewdriver show...that doesn't count. That's a bit like saying that you once got sprayed with feces at a GG Allin show...I mean...while it might be mildly amusing, it's pretty much par for the course.

When you start shopping in the inner-tube section of the Sears website for clothing, you know something's gone horribly wrong.


Every time I mention David Vincent, I'm obligated by law to post a picture of his new persona, Evil D. Boy, it's not often that you find yourself saying "You know, I think you looked better in the SS uniform"

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Although I've always been amazed by how similar time travel and flying to Europe are, since they both allow you to see un-ironic metalheads in all their glory (complete with denim vests, white hightops, sweatpants etc), I'm saddened to report that in this latest trip, the number of metalhead sightings was way down. I'm sure other cities, and countries in Europe could perhaps offer more in the banger-watching (as I refer to it) department. But see, in the past, Barcelona always managed to deliver the goods. But not this time. The city is now split into two camps, tourists, and locals who appear to be sponsored by retailing giant Zara. So, aside from the guy who was wearing a Bathory shirt AND flip flops on the metro, I failed to see any of my brothers in metal during the trip. By the way, how un-metal can you get? Flip-flops on a black metal fan? If the fact that Gaahl from Gorgoroth is now officially out of the closet, and that Nicolas Cage's kid has black metal band weren't already signs of black metal's demise....the flip flops/ Bathrory shirt combo surely must be.

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An unexpected treat about seeing the Tour de France in Barcelona was being able to see both cycling and architecture simultaneously, since the Tour's route went right by Mies van der Rohe's Barcelona Pavillion. This was an unexpected, and almost debaucherous treat for an absolute looser like me. What would have made the experience better you ask? Well, if Mike Browning and Nocturnus would have descended onto the site on their spaceship and broken into Lake Of Fire...my life would have been so complete, that I would have gone ahead and committed harakiri right then and there. Luckily for our readers, Mike Browning and Nocturnus never showed up....something about Mike having to go to Pier 1 because of a sale on pseudo Egyptian decor.



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Look, I know I've posted this video before...but for some reason I woke up reciting this verbatim today...and as such, I had to share it with all of you once again. What can I say, some things never get old.




If you were able to watch the video above for its full duration, you'll be happy to know that Devry Universtiy will award you three credit hours towards an associates degree in Comparative Religion through their online program. Simply enter the code "MTLINQSTN" in the "coupons" field when you are checking out.

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As I've mentioned before, a fun game to play with friends and family is to come up with a word and then draw a super-evil metal logo for it. The more ridiculous the word, the better. Although I would now play this game as a bit of a joke (drawing a black metal logo for a word like "custard" is always fun), I have found proof that I didn't always do it in jest. Hidden among many other treasures, the Metal Inquisition archives revealed perhaps the earliest known example of this game being played. Much like the cave paintings of Lascaux, these logos will be studied by art historians and anthropologiests for year to come. Carbon-14 dating has helped us estimate that this particular sheet of paper is from the summer of 1991. Please note the "Abnegation" logo, a word I remember having found in the dictionary by mere chance. My use of this word as a made-up name for a non-existent band greatly pre-dates its use as the actual name of an actual band. As a result, I believe I may have a lawsuit here. Sadly, I think the settlement would come down to me getting 152 unsold copies of the band's 7"s. Much like getting smallpox infested blankets, this would be a settlement I could easily live without. So, on second thought, they can keep the name.



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One last picture from my trip to Europe. This picture was taken at a small bike shop near Plaça d'Espanya in Barcelona. Upon seeing the brand name of this bike, many ask themselves "who would come up with such a name?" Well, I have an answer to this question...or at least a clue as to who would do such a thing. You see, on a daily basis, I'm called a "fag" by numerous drivers as I ride my bike. This happens every hour, on the hour, and the US military now uses these driver outbursts to set its atomic clock.

As I see it, the bike's brand name simply functions as a pre-emptive strike on the part of the bike's owner. Much like the fat kid in school who always made fun of himself before anyone could lay a fat joke on him, this bike proudly states that the guy riding the bike knows what the drivers around him think.

"Oh, you're calling me a 'fag'...joke's on you pal. I'm riding on a Qüer bike...I'm already a step ahead of you, you douche!"

While not particularly effective, this interaction makes the person riding the bike a bit better...and less like...well, a "fag". It's for this reason that the company's name was clearly thought of by a marketing genius...or a fat guy, or a fat guy who is gay and got made fun of in school.

One last note...while this approach of mocking yourself before letting someone else do it may work for adults...I would highly, highly discourage you from getting a Qüer bike for your kid...because really, that's the last thing they need.




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Now that I'm back home after a rather crazy month of traveling, I'll try to get back to my normal posting schedule. Hopefully the other slobs who are supposed to be posting will also pick up the slack, damn those bastards.