Monday, July 20, 2009

Back in the United States of America, God's country.

Once I decided upon "Back in the United States of America, God's country." as the title for this piece, I searched through my photo archives for an image that would best express what the USA embodies. As luck would have it, a picture of Donna Stewart-Barris (from Metal Inquisition's accounts payable department) was emailed to me right on time. The picture was taken during our annual company picnic, right after the raffle, during which Donna won a copy of Bolt Thrower's War Master album. Congratulations Donna!



After a thoroughly enjoyable trip to Europe in order to see the Tour de France, I'm now safely back home in the US of A. As a result of Metal Inquisition being a journalistic forum that is devoted to horrible music and not sports, I'll give you only a couple of details about the trip. Why only a few details? Because I don't want to turn off the few remaining readers we have as a result of the stream of posts having slowly dwindled into a trickle in the last month. Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes, Mr Skullkrusher and I did make it on to the TV broadcast of the Tour de France. Simply watch every five hour stage of the last two weeks and look for us. Good luck.



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Most healthy adults are able to let go of the silly thoughts and dreams they had as children. That is simply not the case for my brother and me. Sometimes you simply HAVE to do things that the 11 year old version of you would have thought were the shit. The idea of Jens Voigt and Thor Hushovd riding their bikes over an Iron Maiden logo at the Tour de France was simply intoxicating...and as such...we made it happen! Hooray for the 11 year old versions of us! We did it!!! Fuckin-a!


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Just last week, I spent a very pleasant afternoon with Mr Bike Snob NYC, who is truly a scholar and a gentleman. As we conversed about the unstoppable freight train of metal schlock that was/is Morbid Angel, I suddenly remembered something that I had long ago put away in the dark recesses of my mind. In the early and mid 90s, I attended a couple of shows in which the audience suddenly began to seig heil. If I remember correctly, this happened in both a Morbid Agnel show (perhaps as a result of David Vincent's very tasteful, and period-appropriate SS uniform) as well as several Slayer shows. Did anyone else experience this during that time? Was it just confined to the area of the country where I lived back then? By the way, don't be a smartass and respond that you saw it once at a Skrewdriver show...that doesn't count. That's a bit like saying that you once got sprayed with feces at a GG Allin show...I mean...while it might be mildly amusing, it's pretty much par for the course.


When you start shopping in the inner-tube section of the Sears website for clothing, you know something's gone horribly wrong.


Every time I mention David Vincent, I'm obligated by law to post a picture of his new persona, Evil D. Boy, it's not often that you find yourself saying "You know, I think you looked better in the SS uniform"

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Although I've always been amazed by how similar time travel and flying to Europe are, since they both allow you to see un-ironic metalheads in all their glory (complete with denim vests, white hightops, sweatpants etc), I'm saddened to report that in this latest trip, the number of metalhead sightings was way down. I'm sure other cities, and countries in Europe could perhaps offer more in the banger-watching (as I refer to it) department. But see, in the past, Barcelona always managed to deliver the goods. But not this time. The city is now split into two camps, tourists, and locals who appear to be sponsored by retailing giant Zara. So, aside from the guy who was wearing a Bathory shirt AND flip flops on the metro, I failed to see any of my brothers in metal during the trip. By the way, how un-metal can you get? Flip-flops on a black metal fan? If the fact that Gaahl from Gorgoroth is now officially out of the closet, and that Nicolas Cage's kid has black metal band weren't already signs of black metal's demise....the flip flops/ Bathrory shirt combo surely must be.


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An unexpected treat about seeing the Tour de France in Barcelona was being able to see both cycling and architecture simultaneously, since the Tour's route went right by Mies van der Rohe's Barcelona Pavillion. This was an unexpected, and almost debaucherous treat for an absolute looser like me. What would have made the experience better you ask? Well, if Mike Browning and Nocturnus would have descended onto the site on their spaceship and broken into Lake Of Fire...my life would have been so complete, that I would have gone ahead and committed harakiri right then and there. Luckily for our readers, Mike Browning and Nocturnus never showed up....something about Mike having to go to Pier 1 because of a sale on pseudo Egyptian decor.



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Look, I know I've posted this video before...but for some reason I woke up reciting this verbatim today...and as such, I had to share it with all of you once again. What can I say, some things never get old.




If you were able to watch the video above for its full duration, you'll be happy to know that Devry Universtiy will award you three credit hours towards an associates degree in Comparative Religion through their online program. Simply enter the code "MTLINQSTN" in the "coupons" field when you are checking out.

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As I've mentioned before, a fun game to play with friends and family is to come up with a word and then draw a super-evil metal logo for it. The more ridiculous the word, the better. Although I would now play this game as a bit of a joke (drawing a black metal logo for a word like "custard" is always fun), I have found proof that I didn't always do it in jest. Hidden among many other treasures, the Metal Inquisition archives revealed perhaps the earliest known example of this game being played. Much like the cave paintings of Lascaux, these logos will be studied by art historians and anthropologiests for year to come. Carbon-14 dating has helped us estimate that this particular sheet of paper is from the summer of 1991. Please note the "Abnegation" logo, a word I remember having found in the dictionary by mere chance. My use of this word as a made-up name for a non-existent band greatly pre-dates its use as the actual name of an actual band. As a result, I believe I may have a lawsuit here. Sadly, I think the settlement would come down to me getting 152 unsold copies of the band's 7"s. Much like getting smallpox infested blankets, this would be a settlement I could easily live without. So, on second thought, they can keep the name.



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One last picture from my trip to Europe. This picture was taken at a small bike shop near Plaça d'Espanya in Barcelona. Upon seeing the brand name of this bike, many ask themselves "who would come up with such a name?" Well, I have an answer to this question...or at least a clue as to who would do such a thing. You see, on a daily basis, I'm called a "fag" by numerous drivers as I ride my bike. This happens every hour, on the hour, and the US military now uses these driver outbursts to set its atomic clock.

As I see it, the bike's brand name simply functions as a pre-emptive strike on the part of the bike's owner. Much like the fat kid in school who always made fun of himself before anyone could lay a fat joke on him, this bike proudly states that the guy riding the bike knows what the drivers around him think.

"Oh, you're calling me a 'fag'...joke's on you pal. I'm riding on a Qüer bike...I'm already a step ahead of you, you douche!"


While not particularly effective, this interaction makes the person riding the bike a bit better...and less like...well, a "fag". It's for this reason that the company's name was clearly thought of by a marketing genius...or a fat guy, or a fat guy who is gay and got made fun of in school.

One last note...while this approach of mocking yourself before letting someone else do it may work for adults...I would highly, highly discourage you from getting a Qüer bike for your kid...because really, that's the last thing they need.




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Now that I'm back home after a rather crazy month of traveling, I'll try to get back to my normal posting schedule. Hopefully the other slobs who are supposed to be posting will also pick up the slack, damn those bastards.

32 comments:

  1. I'll always remember my first, inscrutiably unreadable metal logo, a Bay area thrash band called Insanity. I never heard them, but my tape-trading metal pal Chris put out one issue of a fanzine back in '86 and did a little write-up on them.

    (I decided to look them up on metal-archives after writing the above and it looks like they became death metal. They probably sounded like Possessed early on, which was one of my friends' favorite bands at the time.)

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  2. Lucho,
    Sadly, no one picked up the slack. I had thought the well of souls had run dry.

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  3. I've been rooting for Thor in his green jersey pursuit. I keep hoping that he will smash Cavendish with a hammer over the line for a brutal photo finish. I'm happy enough with a points win though...

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  4. I wonder if props are discouraged in cycling celebrations, as they are in the NFL. If not, I vote for Thor to smash Cav's glasses with an actual hammer as they cross the finish line.

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  5. Yes, it was a most awesome trip. A few points:

    1. I'd like to apologize for how faded the Iron Maiden logo was on the roads of the Pyrenees, but the cheap ass fuck from Livestrong only gave us one box of chalk! Just enough chalk to write "GO LANCE!", but certainly not enough to do the Maiden logo justice, much less to write "I HATE YOU LANCE ARMSTRONG AND THE FACT THAT YOU SURVIVED CANCER AIN'T THAT BIG A DEAL TO ME", which is what I really wanted to write.

    2. I love that Lucho makes reference to Thor Hushovd. This Norwegian known as "The God of Thunder" is more metal than any of us. Not because he likes metal (I don't know if he does), but because he's fucking HUGE, from Norway and his nickname is "The God of Thunder". So, I want all our readers to support Hushovd in his chase for the green jersey in this Tour, like Robert H is. Thank you.

    3. Lucho, we witnessed multiple seig heil's at a Deicide/Entombed show in Florida in '91, 'member that? Dead Horse played too.

    4. What Lucho reports is sadly true. Metalheadz seemed to be hiding in Barcelona. Just a few Metallica shirts here and there and the Bathory flip-flop thing... other than that: nothing. not even posters for random obscure metal fests, which usually cover european cities. I'm deeply concerned.

    5. That CALABERA logo was always my favorite. NETRACTOR is also cool, but that's not even a real word, I just made it up. Are you sure we did that on '91 and not '90?

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  6. as far as the date 90 vs 91, the final carbon analysis is on its way back from the lab. will post it as soon as i have it.

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  7. Regarding the sieg heiling... I saw lots of that whenever the skins showed up at any show in the early 90s. (They made the 1991 Denver Fugazi show pretty surreal that year.) Can't speak to death metal shows, though.

    There was a rise in right-wing extremism, including but not limited to neo-Nazism in the US then. What you guys witnessed was probably just another manifestation of that.

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  8. If Ryan Trebon can do it, I don't see why Thor can't smash in some faces here and there.

    Just imagine how the skulls would crack with those thin bicyclist bones.

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  9. Fun fact: My father is from Norway, and his name is also Thor. Yet I hate black metal, go figure?? Perhaps just rebelling against my parents?

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  10. The Tour de France is NASCAR for yuppies.

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  11. "(drawing a black metal logo for a word like "custard" is always fun)"

    As you seemingly have a penchant for Norway, you will probably like http://www.skuls.no ...

    Fourteen nice everyday Norwegian words printed on cotton in a lovingly black metal fashion.

    Black metal logos of everything from "office" to "marching band" via "ear muffs" and "brussels sprouts".

    The name of the site translates to "payback" or "to get even", and I believe it is a pun towards people walking around with tattoos of Japanese or Chinese characters taken directly out of the neighbouring Chinese restaurant's menu.

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  12. "The Tour de France is NASCAR for yuppies."

    hahaha! truer words have never been typed on this blog!

    olek; i'd seen that before and thought it was AWESOME.

    sgt D: i thought your dad was from alabama and his name was earl?

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  13. hello... hapi blogging... have a nice day! just visiting here....

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  14. I used to see the Nazi factor at certain shows from time to time. I remember they used to make their presence known at Gwar shows during the song "sick of you", which shows how bone headed they are. I also remember a huge number of them at a Carnivore show I went to. I think that was because of the "race war" song and make a few other like minded lyrics.

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  15. Less Tour and more Donna! She has an enchanting FUPA. I'd goose step all over her fat whilst blasting Malevolent Creation's They Breed and forcefully ejerculate my proud Aryan seed onto her motorized scooter. White Power!

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  16. "The Tour de France is NASCAR for yuppies."

    I see the humor in this statement, and it certainly rings true. However, at the risk of pointing out the obvious....Formula 1 is nascar for yuppies. Races that take place in Monaco, instead of Talladega, and feature BMW and Mercedes engines instead of Pontiac....just sayin'.

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  17. You see, "Qüer" doesn't sound all that bad in Italian nor French... I don't think it sounds all that bad in Spanish either; that's why someone came out with that brand for a bike. Riding a Qüer bike is perfectly normal over here, hey! But then I guess I have no room to fucking talk as there are town such this 48°23'47.79"N 20°15'13.20"E in Europe.

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  18. I hate to obsess Lucho, but i am now CONVINCED that you are BiKe Snob NYC. This and BSNYC are the only blogs i read as they address my two primary loves. When Snobby began to mention Morbid Angel and profess uncommon knowledge as to the inherant shitness of Kerry King, i figured it was a humerous but harmless coincidence. Now i find that you follow cycling and have a soft spot for Thor, and a healthy distaste for Cav. It's disturbing, and frankly too much of a coincidence. You also let the phrase 'meh inducing' slip a few weeks back. Very Snob like. But don't worry: other than posting it on this public blog, i'll keep your dual identity secret. I find your prose style far too good. Let the snobbery and inquiring continue!

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  19. @ Basta con la Droga: I don't get it. Your coordinates are for Figa, Slovakia. What's wrong with this village?

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  20. Anonymous 10:19 AM:

    I'll take that as a compliment, as Mr Bikesnob is a talented and prolific writer. Wait, was that me complimenting him, or me secretly complimenting myself?

    I'm glad that you find my writing to be up to par with his...or perhaps at least my knowledge of how bad Morbid Agnel is. Either way, I'll take it.

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  21. I like the idea that you might have traded gifts with yourself and posted dual blog entries.

    Scandalous!

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  22. Anything to throw them off my trail.

    It's a complicated charade to keep up, to be sure, but I think it's well worth it. The idea about trading gifts came to me suddenly...what a genius I am. I kid, I kid.

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  23. Lucho is indeed BSNYC, I thought everyone knew this. What most people DON'T know about, though, is the zine he made in 1997 that was all pictures of Winona Ryder that he cut out of magazines and photocopied (I'm not joking, he really made this).

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  24. Welcome back!

    I remember seeing Nazis at a Morbid Angel show too.

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  25. "Your coordinates are for Figa, Slovakia. What's wrong with this village?"

    are you serious? you said it yourself, it's in slovakia!

    on another note, i'm very proud of my younger brother. he's not only lucho metales, but bsnyc! to top that off he kept me in the dark! WAIT!! i'm the one who lives in NY, not lucho! maybe i am bsnyc and lucho is just my bro, following on my footsteps!

    sgt d, no need to bring out the dirt on lucho's dirty obsession with winona ryder. c'mon, that's just uncalled for!

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  26. Well... dear Matt from Denver,

    I take it you don't speak Italian; either that or you're just taking the piss, which is alright anyway, hey! Let's just say that "figa" is the Italian for "punani", but then it's just some small rural village in Slovakia.

    Picture this; there's some Slovakian girl who goes on a trip to Venice, and she meets someone there, and they start to make small-talk, like you do...

    - "So where are you from?"
    - "Slovakia..."
    - "Oh cool... where about?"

    Ah... fascinating, ain't it?

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  27. Welcome back boys, well, I mean, welcome back to the US. I'm in Italy atm and the lack of metal shirts is appalling here as well. I'm doing my best though, I've been wearing my Gorogoroth Shirt into every church I've visited. Mind you, the black doesn't help much in the 39 (102f) degree heat.

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  28. Nowadays, there's more chance to catch ten hipsters than one metalhead. Unless you go to some specific zones you won't be able to see unironic mullets and leopard leggings topped with leather muffins :/

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  29. I love my black metal and I love wearing flip flops most of the time!

    You might find that black metal fans in south east asia where flip flops quite a bit.

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  31. As a small note on the Quer bikes phenomenon, I live in Missouri, and shortly before the MO/OK border there is a company whose factory/warehouse proudly displays the name FAG BEARINGS.

    On a slightly more metal note, when traveling to the Netherlands via Brussels via Germany, there was a giant warehouse/factory which had a billboard above it which read "SCAR INDUSTRIES", which I always thought would be a great album cover.

    Also, I have seen seig heils at Cradle Of Filth concerts. Can you imagine more effeminate Nazis?

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  32. Stunning post . I amazed to see your post .

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