Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The worst death metal song of all time: Six Feet Under "Amerika The Brutal"

I know what you are thinking after reading the title: "Dude, have you ever heard Cianide?!" Don't get me wrong, Cianide definitely fucking suck. They are wizard-level masters of being jaw-droppingly terrible. In fact, sometimes I can't sleep because I'm just curled up in the fetal position in the corner of my room, holding myself and rocking back and forth because of the scars carved deep into my soul from just the few moments I've spent listening to their seemingly endless stream of recordings. The reason I am going into so much detail about fucking Cianide is because I want you to understand that I know exactly how wretched they are. Only then will you believe me when I say that, hands down, "Amerika The Brutal" by Six Feet Under is the worst death metal song of all time! Let's look at exactly what makes it so awful...


Please watch this video in full before reading any further. And yes, this WILL be on the test.

Chris Barnes is stangry
I think I have mentioned it on here before, but I'm a huge fan of Loveline (only the radio show, the TV show was awful). One of the hosts, Adam Carolla, came up with the term "stangry," which describes someone who is simultaneously stupid and angry. I really can't think of a better term for Chris Barnes, as his whole post-Cannibal career has that kind of directionless, inarticulate anger directed at SOMEONE who is responsible for, well, all the bad stuff in the world. He reminds me of an old, half-blind moose who gets shot in the leg by a bowhunter and just runs around smashing into stuff, bellowing at the top of his lungs and lashing out at whatever is around him in an attempt to get back at whoever made him feel this pain and rage.


Here are the lyrics to the Old Skull song "Homeless":
People that don't have homes
I look in their eyes...
I see sadness
They don't have enough money to pay the rent
Because they don't have good enough jobs.
Why don't they have good enough jobs?
BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE A GOOD ENOUGH EDUCATION!
WHY DON'T THEY HAVE A GOOD ENOUGH EDUCATION?
BECAUSE OF WAR DEBT!


Least sophisticated lyrics of all time: Six Feet Under or Old Skull?
I am not a fan of affected, figurative writing (unless we're talking about Hipster Runoff), especially when it comes to the lyrics. Please just get to the fucking point, I am a busy man and I don't want to spend time deciphering "coded messages in slowed down songs," to borrow a phrase. That includes the post-Dillinger Escape Plan school of "long witty/sardonic song titles." And don't get me started on Discordance Axis' song titles. That said, even a meat-and-potatoes writer like me must add a certain amount of style to his/her work or it just gets weird. Unless you're The Dwarves, who come off as (extremely creepy, fucked up) geniuses when they have song titles like "Let's Fuck," you can't get away with just stating the facts... which is exactly what SFU does, in the least interesting way possible.

I have discovered a new disease: Chris Barnes' Syndrome, in which you turn into a treant shortly after starting a terrible band.

If you watched the Old Skull video above, you will notice two things 1) their music so loose and noisy that it inadvertently sounds like Nuclear Death and 2) the absurdly simplistic lyrics make Discharge sound like James Joyce. But I can forgive them: as you may have also noticed, they were 12 years old when they recorded that song.

Like Old Skull, Chris Barnes' approach to writing lyrics seems to be "make an angry statement of fact regarding my opinion on a social or political issue." The problem is that he is 42 years old, so he can't use, well, actually being a child as an excuse. A couple highlights from this song:
Listen it's a fucking joke and they make you believe it on the TV
That's how they deceive you-
I watch and I listen and I question their reasons
You know what, I don't fuckin believe em
I worked in print shops for years when I was younger, and this reminds of the kind of thing that I'd hear at work there. Printing basically attracts the same people as framing, roofing, carpet laying, and other bottom-of-the-barrel trades: lots of alcoholic felons who have a chip on their shoulder and want to tell you all about it. You'd be standing there doing some mind-numbing bullshit like punching holes in booklets for 9 hours, and one of these guys would come over to you, lean in as though he was about to tell you something really important and say, "Those fuckin' politicians, man, they're all a bunch of fuckin' liars! I don't believe a goddamn word out of their mouths, they're just in it for the money, man!!" It's really uncomfortable, because what do you say?? I would usually just shrug, nod and say something non-committal like "Well I guess they're not getting your vote, are they?" and hope the guy would go wander off and rant at some other unfortunate motherfucker.
I'm not afraid to speak my own mind
I don't use the first amendment to hide behind
I'm guaranteed that freedom, I'm born with that right
First of all, in one breath he says he's not going to "hide behind" the First Amendment, then in the next line he reminds us that he is actually guaranteed freedom. There's always the possibility that he's got some kind of overthought-yet-insane Constitutionalist position, but I'm going to chalk it up to stangriness again. It has that "you're not the boss of me/you can't tell me what to do/you don't know me/you're not my real dad" vibe that's a sure sign of stangry.


Fart jokes: Never not funny!

If Terrence & Phillip made a death metal video, it would be this
I'm willing to bet Barnes has seen more than a little South Park in his day. What stoner doesn't take a few industrial-strength bong rips then stare at Comedy Central for hours on end while they shovel Doritos into their mouth and laugh way too hard at marginally-funny jokes? Based on the Video Toaster 2.0-level animation and 6th grade art direction, I'd say Barnes is a big fan of the Terrence & Phillip movie, although I'm not sure that he understands it's a joke in which the central premise involves how laughably awful the movie is.

This is seriously a picture of Chris Barnes with his riced-out Lancer Evo. I don't really even know what to say about this... there are so many levels of meaning in this image that academics will probably spend decades unraveling it and filling volume after volume of cultural studies journals with vain attempts at articulating the postmodern implications. It's like a white trash Horn of Plenty!

He was probably too baked to catch that part, and just nudges one of his bandmates out of his weed stupor, points at the TV and says, "Dude... we should our next video like that. I love cartoons, man!!" then they high-five and start laughing uncontrollably. After a minute, Barnes pauses for a second to ask "Wait... why are we laughing??" The other guy gets all serious for a second, then cracks up and says "Dude I don't even remember!!" and they laugh for another 10 minutes.

Here are couple of the best moments where SFU uses images and sounds to beat you over the head with his stangry political opinions. They start out pretty much dumb and straightforward, but by the end of the video it gets real fucking weird:

Racism is wrong! If you're an identical twin, don't hit random black people on the street with your purse!

Corporations have twisted the political system to serve their own corrupt interests! Also, there is a doll in a bikini that rides really high on her hips like they would wear in a ZZ Top video!

America is a country of greedy, shallow materialists whose avariciousness is exceeded only by their lack of self-awareness!


Uncle Sam is really a zombie! A zombie who wants your money!

Uh... I'll be honest, I'm not sure what this part is all about... probably something really deep though, let me get back to you!


OK, this is towards the end of the video. At this point they were probably just high as fuck and turning knobs on the computer to see what it would do. They thought this part looked "trippy" so they put it in the video.

You could literally grab just about every frame in the video and it would be so full of subhuman stupidity that you would probably faint in horror... so if you watch the full video, please make sure you are seated!

Like Pokemon, Chris Barnes is going down the natural path for his species and will soon evolve into his ultimate form. Protip: If you're a stangry stoner for too long, you turn into The Dude! Just ask my stepdad.

Kids, don't smoke pot!
I'm not really into the "scared straight" approach when it comes to talking to kids about drugs, but if you are, just have them watch this video. Then press "stop" on the VCR and turn to face the classroom authoritatively, arms crossed. After an uncomfortable moment of silence in which everybody reflects on the horrors they just witnessed, say "This is your brain on drugs. Any questions??"

It turns out that Bad Dudes was right after all.

53 comments:

  1. Rule # 1, never trust whites with dreadlocks.

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  2. Damn that video, I was transfixed. I dunno... the video was a perfect match for that song. So perfect in fact that it made the song awesome.

    I think you should have posted the video, said a few words, and left it at that. This is one of the rare instances on this blog where any sort of commentary won't be able to compete with the object in question. I mean, usually you guys are up to the task. I don't fault you for coming short this time, as it's understandable!

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  3. Damn i had managed to forget that damn video existed i then watched the first second and it all came flooding back. Thanks a fucking bunch! im tired and now im angry.

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  4. No love for this post?? I thought it was a good one, bummer.

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  5. He should have called the song "America The Br00tiful" but he isn't creative because he is a drug addict and probably a sex fiend.

    also: lol @ the Lancer. Jesus christ. I would have expected him to be a Mitsubishi Eclipse kind of dude.

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  6. I have never seen this video before and I want to punch you for killing those braincells.

    I have this song on my ipod, the genre is "crap"

    There are only 2 other artists in "crap" one is Metallica live in 2004 mauling Dyer's Eve, the other is Satan's Massacre. I'll leave that last one as an exercise to the reader.

    This is from the brilliant minds that brought you a cover of an ENTIRE ALBUM!

    SFU could be a MI spin-off brand. Seriously.

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  7. Kudos for being able to work a Gorilla Biscuits reference into a post about Chris Barnes and the dangers of habitual tree-smoking. Your wordsmithing knows no bounds.

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  8. Man, if you liked Cianide so much you really should pick up a copy of Massacre's album Promise. It makes Cianide sound like Emperor in comparison, or SFU look like Opeth.

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  9. That pic at the top of Barnes and Noble was from the Power Plant in baltimore. I know I used to go there alot when I was a kid there.
    Anyways Six Feet Under has been the running joke of Death Metal for quite some time now. There cover albums showed me how much money metal blade has to throw away instead of spending on some quality acts.
    When I people bitch and say Barnes should still be in Cannibal.I have to reply by saying that its No Way barnes could even keep up with the technical style of Cannibal nowdays.
    Well I predict Six feet Under won't be around much longer due to the fact that they aren't touring for their newest album and the kids will forget about them. Must piss Barnes off that Cannibal is WAY more succesful nowdays!
    That all being said I think "Bringer of Blood" is the worst Death Metal song of all time. Catchy yes Timeless No.
    And yes this was a good post!

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  10. Let's be honest...this songs sucks, except for the killer bass sound, but I've listened to shittier songs, shittier vocalists, and I've read shittier lyrics.
    Let's make a list with the worst shitty songs of all time:

    Iron Maiden "The apparition"
    Pantera "Walk"
    Slayer "Dittohead"
    Testament "Deadline"
    Dire Straits "Calling Elvis"
    Megadeth "Sweating bullets"
    ...

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  11. Wow! That video is terrible. I almost wish there was video footage of the band reviewing the final cut of that video - their facial expressions (smiles? disgust? ambivalence?), commentary ("That was sick bro!" - "Yea Mr. video director, that music vid was seriously your personal Sistine Chapel!"), followed by a smoke session and/or ideas for their third covers album...

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  12. "Stanger" - such a good word to describe the disposition of most metal bands that Metallica even named their best album after it.

    As for Six Feet Under, they can do whatever the hell they want as far as I'm concerned since they did that legit amazing song with Ice-T.

    --LEV

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  13. commentary ("That was sick bro!"
    That's what I'm picturing

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  14. Ive said it before and Ill say it again. "Walk" is the most racist guitar riff ever written.

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  15. The riff is racist?

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  16. "Walk" is the most racist guitar riff ever written.

    Genius!!

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  17. The genius went over my head, can someone explain the racist riff to me?

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  18. America The Pitiful is even worse imo: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lj2pXevWxI

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  19. one question: how can you not like Cianide? MIGHTY band. nuff said.

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  20. Add "31 flavors" by Sacred Reich to the list of shitty songs ;-)

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  21. The genius went over my head, can someone explain the racist riff to me?

    Are you deaf?! Just LISTEN TO IT, holy shit... it's like a swastika coming out of my speaker!

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  22. You're a fucking wimp, CIANIDE are relentless, and do not spend their whole day complaining about everything on a shitty blog. Can't believe I was linked to this contrived load of fuckin' bollocks. Now go do some more "journalism", metal warrior!!!

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  23. THANK YOU SARGE!

    Ive had to explain my "walk" concept over and over. It IS the most racist guitar riff ever written. "Like a Swastika coming out of my speakers"...perfect description.

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  24. CIANIDE are relentless, and do not spend their whole day complaining about everything on a shitty blog

    I only spend a few hours a week complaining on this blog, and it is EXCELLENT not shitty

    PS Hello member of Cianide

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  25. Of COURSE he's stangry.. Imagine living in a world where there was empirical evidence the George "Corpsegrinder" Fischer was better then you at ANYTHING. That you knew you were such a fuck up, they had to bring THAT guy in to fix your mess, and it actually worked.

    The riff for "Walk" is like Peter Framptons talking guitar, but it kept yelling the N-Word instead of trying to fuck groupies.

    If Old Skull put out "Get Outta School" now, and nobody knew they were 12, they would be hailed as avant garde post mathcore geniuses. They would wind up on tour with Mars Volta or some shit.

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  26. cianide fucking kills you cunt. you wouldnt know metal if it hit you in the face. sergeant dickface

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  27. Ya know Sarge, Don makes some well stated concise points. I think I have to agree with him.

    "contrived load of fuckin' bollocks" needs to be a tag.

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  28. That Old Skull song beats any conflict I've ever heard... I guess that's not saying much...
    My friends and I have been making that joke about "walk" since it came out... strange that it wasn't just us...
    ; )

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  29. Six Feet Under and Cianide are both doing better than your fucking bands, retards.

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  30. If Old Skull put out "Get Outta School" now, and nobody knew they were 12, they would be hailed as avant garde post mathcore geniuses.
    Ha! I never thought of that but it's totally true.

    Is Hella just an Old Skull ripoff band?! The truth comes out!

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  31. Lol, thank you for clearing that up. Heil Walk.

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  32. Give credit where credit is due, Drowningman invented that shit not DEP.

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  33. Six Feet Under and Cianide are both doing better than your fucking bands, retards.

    Define "better".

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  34. Give credit where credit is due, Drowningman invented that shit not DEP.

    Shit, good catch. I totally forgot about Drowningman, but I think you are correct!

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  35. Where do you explain your racist riff comment? Give me a bone and I'll look it up. This seems to funny not to hear and explanation of. It's funny enough my Korean fiance likes lots of NSBM.

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  36. I'm amazed that Barnes can even afford an Evo. With a death metal salary, he should be driving an '89 Tercel. He prolly doesn't have any kids. Thats' the only way.

    Also, it's only possible to like Cianide if you're from Chicago. There is really no other way.

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  37. I think part of the "walk" thing is that their image and fans seemed kindof trashy and boneheaded what with all of their shaved heads, rebel flags, bad tattoos and a few kindof ambigous statements in the "press".
    Coupled with a riff that sounds like a nazi army marching straight legged (duh duh duhduh duh) fist to chest and arm to the sky (duh- SIEG! etc...) that just sounds like the natural movement for the song... Some songs inspire dancing, some banging and some for marching, I guess...

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  38. i just like that six feet under put out a song criticizing america. theres so many stupid lunkhead flag waving idiots that listen to that crappy u.s. death metal so i hope they get pissed. u.s. death metal is pretty much macho-core.

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  39. As much as I hate Six Feet Under with a firey passion (and Corpsegrinder is better than Barnes ever was. Fact.) There is no way that this is worse than Suicide Silence or Whitechapel.

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  40. Talking about drowningman, i remember a story the icarus line told us when they crashed at a friends apartment that simon brody likes to fuck pizza's. Still great band rock and roll killing machine is a killer record.

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  41. CIANIDE crap? Are you out of your mind? Clearly you must be. Producing top quality REAL death metal now for 20 yrs and no fag hipster bullshit that your site evidently is full of....though it kind of makes sense your blog is full of all that pseudo metal bull yet choose to dislike real fucking metal. Metal inquisition my arse.....Pat. [Ireland]

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  42. The problem with your blog of metal is that you havent found the raging of crust/crustpunkmetal yet. You need this to replace the screamo bands and the nu metal bands. Please get wise son.

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  43. Bro... I listened to Doom and Hiatus in like 92, the difference is that back then I was too stupid to know that shit sucks. Now I know better and listen to Taylor Swift.

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  44. wait, what the hell is wrong with Cianide?? real, crushing, Chicago Death!

    you like Mythic and yet you think Cianide are shit, how the fuck does that make sense?!?

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  45. Wow a post that isnt about some hipster bullshit or nu-metal crap...lets see here...oh wait its about a shit band and it rips on an awesome one. :(

    Getting pretty hard to read the blog these days.

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  46. lmiisgay (1 day ago) Show Hide 0 Marked as spam Reply | Spam wtf ?!? six feet under is old school . they r legends dumbass. ur insulting the guy who gave inspiration to these types of bands. they have one of the singers who did true gutturals in death metal not these gurgling stuff. i mean dude i like this too but. u jus make urself look lie a dumbass by insulting an oldschool deathmetal band like them.
    just wanted to show something posted on a devourment video about six feet under, this guy is definatley on the six feet under dicktip, ..what is it with the idiotic and their hero worship of morons like chris barnes and glen benton.

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  47. These kind of post are always inspiring and I prefer to read quality content so I happy to find many good point here in the post, writing is simply great, thank you for the post

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  48. SO many times I read stupid post but this time I must say i'm impressed! Well done! Cheers!

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  49. you guys are all dicks and have nothing better to do then bash metal eh?

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  50. Chris Barnes is the man. And he doesn't have to write ridiculous posts online ripping people to do it. Evo's go hard as well. You just want to hate and cash in on $10 words. You must not get laid or something. Try being nice instead of wasting time talking smack about people. I can't believe you wasted that much time writing about someone you don't like. You must have a booming social life. And stop bashing pot. It's the 21st century. Grow up. That's so ridiculous. Judging by your use of the word "baked", you clearly have little experience with pot, which is fine, but it doesn't exactly make you an expert on the subject so why talk about it? I just think you're lame and not very nice.

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  51. I applaud your post it's so great here man .

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