Thursday, August 20, 2009

Why Candlemass rules above all other shitty Swedish bands


***PLEASE NOTE: THIS POST DOES NOT CONTAIN ANY REFERENCES TO SWEDISH DEATH OR BLACK METAL.



I have never been much of a Candlemass fan. I don't know something about fat Swedish guys with brillopad hair wearing a Slanket never really turned my crank (Yes, I am aware he's not in the band anymore). However, if you follow my Twitter (and really, why wouldn't you?), then you'd know I've developed a little bit of an obsession with them. I have rediscovered them, if you will. Now, does the fact that I just started liking a band in 2009 that has been around since the 80s make me a poser? If some cretin came to me and told me he just now got into Hellhammer, I'd probably label him a fuckwad poser and steal his car. That's the usual poser punishment around here. Well, call me what you will, but I like Candlemass now. I did have Candlemass Live on cassette in high school, although I only listened to it once.


Other than the occasional Sabbath song here and there and some Paradise Lost, I don't usually dig on the sludgy slow doomy type shit, but lately Candlemass (and Messiah's fatness) have changed that. It's not only that I have found their songs incredibly catchy or that I have rediscovered how fat (and therefore funny) Massiah is, but the music seems to match my mood as of late. It's not that I have been sad or depressed. Quite the contrary, I have been on the up and up (which you'd also know if you follow my Twitter), but somehow their slow tunes have become an anthem to my life these days. Whatever, I'm a fucking werido.


The reason for this post, tho, is not to talk about the average Candlemass tunes, Messiah's fatness or to promote my Twitter, but to talk about the awesomest songs the Swedish meatballs, known as Candlemass, ever recorded. Read on, my friends. Read on!


Sweden has a long standing and well documented history of shit music. Who can forget Hick?


This image is so fucking funny on it's own, I'm not even gonna bother trying to say anything witty, mean or in anyway "funny" about it. I'll just point one thing out. We found Ron Weasely's real dad!




And there's Faith! Who can forget Faith? Who can forget the Doom pioneers who brought us the "Hymn of the Sinner" 7" single? Who can forget them? Not me! Mostly because it's hard to forget something you'd never heard of before until doing web research for a long-winded and all around retarded post about a second rate band like Candlemass.

From L to R: Assclown wearing my mom's suede boots // Moustache wilding frontman with a poodle haircut, my sister's sweater, my gym socks circe 1984 and a crucifix keychain // Guy looking sad 'cuz his mom won't let him grow his hair long // And... wait is that a dude or an ugly chick?



I didn't wanna bring these guys up, but...


So many poodle haircuts I don't know what to do. I wonder if that's like a "Swedish Thing", these terrible haircuts.



And then there's ABBA... Fuck me with a 15" black dildo! This whole Mama Mia! bullshit could have been avoided if these fucktarts would have died in their teens. *Sigh*, how I long for Nocturnus' Time Machine right now... Way to go Sweden, thanks for nothing.

Is it me, or does everyone in this picture look like his wearing a wig?



But all of the Swedish musical "legends," none is bigger (or lamer, really), than this gentleman. Allow me to introduce to Sigge Furst, a true Swedish icon. He was a mediocre actor and a horribly bad singer during the 40s, 50s and 60s.


He did more than 130 movies, and I'm sure they were all "very good." I wonder if the Swedes understood the concept of Two Thumbs Down in the 50s... Anyway, he was in the incredibly entertaining musical "I Dur Och Skur." What a picture that was! They sure don't make them like that anymore. Sven Lindberg was also very good in this movie. I recommend you put it on your Netlix list right away. In your Swedish Netflix, AKA "NeetFliiks"




And let us not forget the TV masterpiece "Himmel Och Pannkaka" featuring the incomparable Gunmar Bjornstand. That show was a kneeslapper! Imagine a mixture of Seinfeld, Gilligan's Island and and The Benny Hill Show! Actually that's not it at all, I just made that up. I have never seen and Sweedish TV, unless you count soft porn as "TV."




So, what does the prodigious Sigge Furst have to do with Candlemass? Aside from also being a Swede, in a stroke of true Swedish genius, in 1993 Candlemass decided to cover four songs by the late legend in an EP aptly titled "Sjunger Sigge Furst." I'm not sure why I said "aptly", since i have no idea WTF "Sjunger" means, but maybe I wanted to sound smart, and the use of words like "aptly" make you sound smarter than you actually are. I got a B in drafting once.



In any case, I think the whole EP is brilliance on mp3. Below, please find both, the original and the cover, of the catchy tune called "Bullfest." I don't really know if they even have bulls in Sweden, so I'm not sure what the song is about, but I love it! If it doesn't make you wanna get up and dance, there's obviously something really, really wrong with you. Or maybe there's something really, really wrong with me. Actually, I know there's something really, really wrong with me, so please disregard the previous statement.





I hope enjoyed that as much as I did. Probably not, but then again, I'm not sure I care.

Here's something else I found that I thought was interesting... Apparently Sigge Furst is not the only has-been dipshit Candlemass paid tribute to in the 90s.



So, what have we learned today, kids? Well, we learned that there is no cattle in Sweden, that I have serious psychological issues and that gluttony is a sin. Go fuck yourselves. Porn.

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27 comments:

  1. "Bullfest" means "bun party". Hence the pictures of cinnamon buns. Also "sjunger" means "sing", as in "Candlemass sing Sigge Fürst", so yeah, it is aptly titled.

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  2. i've always thought Swedish is a bad ass sounding language, thx for the translation and i hope i didnt insult swedes too much!

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  3. the "bands i wish were still good" tag doesn't really apply here. have you heard "king of the grey islands"?

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  4. How can you not like ABBA? They set the course for Iron Maiden!

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  5. Don't forget that Sweden is also the land of cult bands like A-ha, Roxette and Abruptum! (all bands worth of posting pics btw!)

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  6. A-ha is from Norway. Also, speaking of poodle haircuts, there is a Swedish hair band called The Poodles: http://www.myspace.com/thepoodles

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  7. jared, you are right, actually. they are still pretty good. not sure if you have noticed, tho, but usually our tags make no sense at all!

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  8. This month alone, at UK metal festivals I've seen Candlemass and Europe play....but also an ABBA tribute band covering Metallica.

    This summer = Swedish Summer.

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  9. Check out Krux if you like Candlemass.

    "Doom Metal band with Leif Edling of Candlemass on bass and Mats leven on vocals. From " Krux II " 2006. "
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLbelLf9fMk

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  10. Krusher-
    Thanks for hipping me to Sigge Fürst. Next time I'm in a coffee shop and some turtleneck-wearing dildo is blathering on about the films of Ingmar Bergman, I have ammunition for a witty and confounding retort.

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  11. are "bun parties" a common thing there? sounds highly homoerotic

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  12. Sorry, have to disagree about ABBA. But Mamma Mia does suck.

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  13. Oh, I like ABBA as much as the next straight guy who secretly dances to Dancing Queen in the shower, but Mama Mia! is a complete piece of dog shit.

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  14. Ah, candlemass... I remember receiving "nightfall" in the mail the same day I found out that my entire record collection had been shipped to the dump... kindof a shitty consolation, though the video for bewitched http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3uvf0cn0jo" was pretty entertaining...
    In general, I would say that Sweden has per capita some of the best musical output in the world... There are still good punk bands that come from there and good icy synth music... And as lame as Europe were, "the final countdown" is kindof hard to deny... The keyboard part rules, the gallopping guitars and the shredding solo part... Wicked sweet... I mean, you guys realize Yngwie Malmsteen comes from there, right? Now THAT guy fucking rules... Dead serious.

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  15. I also got more into Candlemass recently partly because of their awesome new album with the new singer. You should also check out Solitude Aeturnus that has the same singer, one of the most underrated bands out there imo.

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  16. "The Final Countdown" makes me wanna stick my head in a toilet. Seriously that stuff sucks. Candlemass are still kicking ass, though, Robert Lowe can belt it out big time. Messiah's got some decent pipes but he was always kind of a running gag.

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  17. on the subject of Sweden

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXfHyDCcTGQ

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKXbSd9Eu6k

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQ1un5q947omy

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  18. in a Candlemass mood are we?

    then let me recommend Saint Vitus and Trouble, Witchfinder General, Count Raven, The Obsessed and Pentagram, Solitude Aeturnus and Candlemass, Penance, Revelation, Solstice and Iron Man, Mirror of Deception and Pagan Altar, Cirith Ungol, Exitus and Scald, Internal Void, Paul Chain and Warning, Unorthodox, Cathedral and Cold Mourning. While Heaven Wept and Minotauri, Dawn of Winter, Spiritus Mortis, Electric Wizard, Confessor, Stillborn, Solomon Kane, Orodruin and Mourn. and Reverend Bizarre obviously.

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  19. Witchfinder General is pretty damn heavy!

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  20. I love Candlemass. I'd like to see Messiah sing with Mercyful Fate...

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  21. I was expecting to hear something about how Ratos de Porao started randomly throwing Candlemass clips into their songs on Anarkophobia. Also, when I first saw the cover to that album, I thought a man was being attacked by an anarchy sign.

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  22. Fat dood from Candlemass w/ brillo pad hair & Sam Kinison: separated at birth? (http://www.samkinison.org/)

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  23. Regardless of whether Sweden is responsible for abortions like Hammerfall (which sadly was originally a side project for guys in the death metal scene) or Scar Symmetry, they've also given us great bands like Meshuggah and Bathory.

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  24. Messiah could be in the sequel of Nacho Libre.

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  25. awesome post, really out of left field, sweden? who would even think of looking up this shiz?

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  26. SO many times I read stupid post but this time I must say i'm impressed! Well done! Cheers!

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  27. That's capturing time was very interesting .

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