Winds of Plague invent wigger black metalcore

Suffocation and Dying Fetus shirts, New Era hats cocked at a jaunty angle, puffy vest... we have a confirmed siting of slam wiggers!

We get a lot of press releases and stuff in our inbox, and usually I don't even bother to read them before I shout a curse at the sender, but for some reason I chose to read the latest piece of poorly-written, uninspired spam from Century Media and found the latest video from some band called Winds of Plague inside. I never thought it would happen to me, but my mind is officially blown. Many of you experienced this feeling when you read my epic post on screamo crunk a while back: half "get off my lawn" and half "wat."



As you can see from the video, they somehow manage to combine elements of tough guy hardcore, goth, cheesy commercial black metal, deathcore, and wiggerish arm movements. Look, I get it. I love Bleeding Through and wigger slam as much as the next guy. I've been on 18 Visions and Suffocation's dick since forever. But some things just aren't meant to be combined! Nobody is asking for a beef jerky-flavored energy drink, and nobody asked for wigger black metalcore!

This guy doesn't love "mashup culture" like David Gensler

Stop inventing new genres, you crazy kids!! Next thing you know we'll have an neoclassical industrial rapabilly fad up in here, and nobody wants that to happen. I remember when the Judgment Night soundtrack came out: I was terrified at the thought of more Dinosaur Jr/Del Tha Funkee Homosapien collabos, and I'm getting a similar feeling of dread as I watch this video. Will the charts of 2019 be full of Dimmu Borgir/Daddy Yankee mashups? If so, bring me the Nocturnus time machine so I can kill myself in the crib and be spared the agony of witnessing such a world.

Southern Californians or Bavarians? You be the judge.

At first I was convinced this band must be European, because only Euros and the Japanese are capable of combining exaggerated stereotypes of American subcultures into a giant, ridiculous, shit sandwich like this without a hint of self-awareness. They're clearly not Japanese, so I said to myself "There's no way these fucking retards are from anywhere but Belgium, Germany, or Holland." But then I looked on their MySpace and saw that they are from Southern California and I said, "Oh, right. Yeah, that works too." I love Southern California a lot, but let's be honest: the people there aren't the best at knowing when they are being giant d-bags. I mean this is the place that brought us Tapout, Affliction and Kottonmouth Kingz.

Here is what Winds of Plague's fans look like. Note his Brazilian jiu-jitsu shirt- he's sure to come down with Tommy Victor's Disease when he gets older.

I was doing an image search to find some pictures to make fun of, and found this douchelord. It turns out that he actually went to the same high school as I did, which probably is not a surprise to MI readers in that you all know that I am also a douchelord. In any case, if you happen to be from the Northwest like I am you can LOL at this guy for many things, not the least of which is moving to Spokane. Really?! Who moves to Spokane? Isn't that like a perfectly healthy person going to the doctor's office, rummaging through the biohazardous waste container and jamming a syringe full of AIDS into his eye as hard as he can??

It wouldn't be a Southern California metalcore band without a slightly below-average chick with a muffintop playing keyboards, now would it?

Oh, and did I mention that (to nobody's surprise), I think this band is awesome and want to hang out with them?? Seriously, this song fucking jams and I hope to catch them on tour with Brokencyde and Crazy Town this summer.

Metal Inquisition Investigative Report: Are Sports Metal?

Since we just went through the Super Bowl (Go fucking Steelers!) here in the US and March Madness is just around the corner, I thought we should look at sports and metal. For last year's SB, Lucho did a post about fat metal guys who should be playing football (check it out here) and this year he did a post about Shane Embury and Steelers offensive guard Chris Kemoeautu.
Now, I want to go deeper into the professional sports / metal relationship. I want to figure out how metal each sport is and crown the most metal of all pro-sports! Sure, there's a few sports I know nothing about, like cricket, but how metal can they be if the 'Krusher isn't into them? Feel free to disagree, but if you do, you'd be dead wrong.

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AMERICAN FOOTBALL
Metal:
- The sport is pretty rough and there's plenty of running around and smashing into each other. All this fun violence would make Exodus proud.
- As Lucho pointed out last year, there's a lot of big guys in metal that could be linebackers. Most notably the guys in Crowbar look like the defensive line for the Pittsburgh Stillers. Fat guys are pretty metal.
- Some of the logos in the NFL are pretty metal, like the Raiders, the Buccaneers.
- Many metal peeps have been spotted throughout the years wearing American football jerseys. Danny Spitz, for example, wore a NY Giants jersey many times during the 80's.
- It's debatable whether or not spandex are metal or not. Sure, Poison wore them, but does Maiden and Manowar. Anyway, I'm gonna say that football spandex are pretty metal.

Not Metal:
- All the ass spanking. I'm no homophobe, but we all have to agree guys spanking each other's bee-hinds is not metal AT ALL.
- Too many black players. I'm not a racist either, but with few exceptions, black people aren't very metal. Sad but true.
- Some of the logos in the NFL are pretty fucking gay and not metal AT ALL: the Miami Dolphins, the Saints and the Jets are good examples.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 7/10

Hmmm... maybe he was checking for hemorroids?

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HOCKEY

Metal:
- Hockey is huge in Scandinavia and eastern Europe. That makes hockey pretty fucking metal, since there is pretty bad-ass metal bands from over there.
- Winter, snow and all that cold shit is pretty metal and hockey is all about that.
- Wacko from Raven used to wear hockey gear on and off stage: metal.
- Hockey, soccer and metal pretty much share the dubious honor of having the largest athlete/mullet ratio. Mullets are pretty rad and outside of 80's thrash bands and redneck Slayer fans, the only people who rock them right are hockey and soccer players.
- All the fights. Fighting is pretty metal and no one does it better than hockey players.
- There's that player Miroslav Satan that plays for the Penguins. Bad ass name, no doubt.
- The NJ Devils are a little metal, but the Atlanta Thrashers!? Sounds like Kurt Brecht should have been their goalie, you know?
- Metal "celebs" known to wear hockey jerseys include: that other guy in Vio-lence (Philly Flyers), Mike Muir (LA Kings), Riki Rachtman (Detrot Redwings) and the bass player for Mythic (Pittsburgh Penguins).
- Blades of Steel. Nothing to do with metal, but that game was pretty awesome.

Not metal:
- Two words: Canada sucks.
- The ice skating thing. Figure skating is SO NOT METAL, that the stigma spills onto hockey. Sorry, but it's true.
- Team names like The Ducks, Penguins, Maple Leafs, and the Blues make the NHL sound like a woman's soccer league.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 6/10

The first time I saw someone wearing a Satan jersey, I thought it was a joke. Joke was on me, I guess. Well, not really. It wasn't really a joke on anyone. Except maybe on baby Jesus.

Hey, speaking of jokes... God, I'm SO fucking a happy a "hockey mom" didn't get the chance to be a death away from the button. They obviously do not have very good decision making abilities!

What a fucking ass clown.

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BASKETBALL
Metal:
- Sometimes bands play shows in basketball arenas.

Not Metal:
- Everything else.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 1/10

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BASEBALL
Metal:
- What's his face from Prong wore a White Sox jersey in the "Prove you Wrong" video.
- Mike Muir wore an LA Dodgers jersey in the "Punk It Up" video
- Scott Ian has a Yankees gee-tar.
- Running around the bases is like a circle pit. Well, a one person circle pit. Never mind.

Not Metal:
- Baseball is SLOW and BORING, not like metal. FAST and LOUD!
- I've seen a few mullets here and there, but outside of Manny Ramirez, I can't think of one baseball player with long hair. Fucking posers.
- Very popular in the Caribbean. When's the last time you hear of a brutal band from the Dominican Republic?

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 3/10

Oh, shit he wore the matching shorts! Nah-ha, I know he didn't! But he did!


It's truly an honor whenever I get to reference Infectious Grooves in any post of mine.

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RUGBY
Metal:
- I don't know much about rugby, but these assholes beat the shit out of each other with no pads, like the American football pansies. They are pretty fucking brutal dudes.
- The All Blacks. Just sounds cool and a little metal.

Not Metal:
- That little Hacka dance they do before games. All that tongue play and smacking themselves is creepy and not metal. It's like a South Pacific line dance.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 5/10

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MOTOR RACING
Metal:
- Fast cars are pretty metal. If I had an '85 black Camaro with green flames on the hood, a sweet sound system and a Slayer bumper sticker, I'd get all types of metal ladies. I'm just sayin'.
- NASCAR, as lame as it is, does share the beer drinking, mullet wearing attitude that some metalheads adopt.
- NASCAR's races are basically a huge circle pit without music. And people are in cars. Still the bump and crash and go in a circle!

Not Metal:
- Formula One is pretty weak in the metal scale. The drivers are all rich prima donnas with yachts in the Mediterranean.
- Motor sports are big time sellouts. You think Metallica sold out? At least they didn't have 379 logos on the gee-tars!

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 4/10

Chick-motherfucking-magnet!

Try fitting these many logos on the back of a CD!


NASCAR fans... Gotta love'em!

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GOLF
Metal:
- Alice Cooper plays golf.

Not Metal:
- Alice Cooper plays golf.
- All the shushing. Silence is the antithesis of metal. Remember what Manowar said: All men play on 10!
- Golf carts are pretty fucking weak.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 1/10

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TENNIS
Metal:
- Just like golf, tennis would seem very un-metal, but I found a gem: Björn Borg's hair in the 80's was fucking metal!
- John McEnroe used to smash his racket like a metal guitarist might smash his axe.

Not metal:
- Lars Ulrich plays tennis.
- As in golf: all the shushing. Fuck that. I wanna hear it loud!

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 1/10

Hell yeah!


Hey! It's Assclown Sr. and Assclown Jr.!

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SOCCER
Metal:
- Where is TRUE metal popular? I mean where do people still wear denim vests with Overkill patches? You got it, Europe and South America. Where is soccer incredibly popular? Same places!
- All over the world, fans make banners to bring to game using AC/DC, Maiden and Motorhead lettering.
- Maiden and Motorhead both sponsor youth and semi-pro teams in England.
- St. Pauli, a team in Germany, has a skull and cross bones as their logo.
- During Iron Maiden's show in Madison Square Garden last year, the power went out and for ten minutes, Adrian, Bruce and Dave kicked a soccer ball around on stage.
- Maiden sells soccer jerseys on their site.
- Soccer fans are rowdy, loud and love to fight: Metal
- Plenty of mullets, a.k.a. the soccer rocker.
- Sepultura wore soccer jerseys all the time.

Not Metal:
- Def Leppard and Duran Duran are big soccer fans.
- Elton John co-owns a team in England
- Soccer shorts are pretty gay
- Women's soccer.
- Palermo, in Italy, have pink uniforms.
- David Beckham.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 8/10

Hooligans are SO awesome! I wanna hang out with these guys. Chat about our lives and our dreams.

True soccer rockers. #10 there on the top left is Faustino Asprilla. $10 to the person who can tell me WTF he was doing in this team.


Metal up your asses, you little shits... metal up your young virgin asses.


Banner by the Chivas de Guadalajara fans, in Mexico


Soccer fans in South America are not only really good at making burritos, but they are also great artists!

Not only does Tony Meola have a mullet. He's also from Jersey and now sells real estate in Kansas City. It's true. look it up.

Officially licensed St. Pauli soccer ball. Awesomeness.

Sorry Palermo, I just don't see Slayer's new hoodies coming out in pink.

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CRICKET

Metal:
- Again, I don't know too much about cricket, but there's nothing I can think of that is metal about this sport.

Not Metal:
- Guys always wear white. Look at the dbags in that image above
- Outside of the British Isles it's only popular in non-metal countries. Not a lot of bands from India o Antigua.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 0/10

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WRESTLING
Metal:
- I've discussed wrestling and how metal it is (specially in Mexico) in another post (here). Read that first and I'll add a few points here.
- Wrestlers have long hair, kick ass and have slutty girlfriends
- As awesome metal dudes do, wrestlers dress like douche bags, but I wish I could pull off some of those outfits.
- Two words: Ass kicking.
- The Undertaker's finishing moves: Tombstone Pile Driver and Hell's Gates.
- Chris Jericho sings in a metal band. A really shitty metal band, but it's metal none the less.
- The only thing cheesier than Cannibal Corpse is Triple H.
- Wrestlers are broke ass losers with long hair and shitty tattoos, touring in a van, until they make it big.
- Balls Mahoney was spotted wearing Immolation and King Diamond shirts.
- Entrance songs for Triple H were written and recorded exclusively for him by Motorhead.
- In Mexico, El Bucanero's entrance song: Seek and Destroy

Not Metal:
- The whole greasy guys cuddling thing.
- Tighty Whities
- Wrestling is fake, metal is TRUE!
- John Cena.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 8.5/10

Fozzy, featuring Chris Jericho on vocals. I could a whole post on this image alone!


John Cena: not very metal.

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SWIMMING
In this past post, we already established that swimming is NOT metal.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 0/10

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CYCLING
Metal:
- Lucho did this post, and that's the only thing I could find that may be considered metal at all.

Not Metal:
- I used to be REALLY into cycling when I was a kid. Laurent Fignon, Bernanrd Hinault, Sean Kelly, Luis "Lucho" Herrera, Raul Alcalá... None of those dudes are metal in the least!
- Bikers shorts
- Lots of French people are into it.

OVER ALL METALNESS SCORE: 1/10

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VEREDICT: Wrestling and soccer are metal.
Football is OK, but everything else is poser dogshit!


There you go. I know there's other fucking sports out there, but the post would have to a book if I were to include all of them. I hope you enjoyed reading it.

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Metal Archeology: Artifacts of a lifetime devoted to metal (Part 1)

Just as archeology draws upon the fields of history, anthropology, linguistics and paleontology, metal archeology draws from other sources...mostly old Wild Rags catalogs. How else can you perform accurate carbon dating on my Gammacide 12"?

Just as archeologists carefully dig through piles of rubble in search of artifacts that can give us further information about previous societies, I too have chosen to dig through my own personal rubble in search of answers and artifacts. After what has been nearly a lifelong commitment to metal (in one way or another), I have accumulated assorted artifacts which bring back memories of the past. I have discussed my homemade Morbid Angel shirt, my autographed Obituary drumsticks, my guitar pick collection and other items from my past in previous posts. I shall now continue in that direction, aiming to dig deep into my past (a sometimes embarrassing past) in order to make sense of just who I was at the time. Part archeology dig, part psychotherapy session, I hope this series of ongoing posts will prove to be both insightful and therapeutic to our devoted readers. I shall call this new science: Metal Archeology. Let's get started.


The autographed Impetigo Picture

What an insanely fashionable bunch. "Violate caskets"? Uh...okay.
Notice Stevo's variation on the "holding a grapefuit" pose...apparently the grapefruit he's holding is super heavy.

While at my brother's home only weeks ago I saw a small pile of metal rubble which, to a metal archeologist like me, seemed like an unmistakable sign that amazing finds could lay within its depths. I asked permission to go through the pile, and was quickly rewarded with the item you see above, a picture of Impetigo signed by Mark, and dedicated to my brother. As quickly as I found the picture, the memories began pouring in.

It was a very different time back then. The early 90s (for those of us involved in underground metal culture) was a time largely spent "doing mail", as we called it then. At the risk of sounding like a grandpa, there was no email then, or inexpensive ways to call long distance. As a result of this, all communication was done via mail, and if you were involved in a band, distro, zine or booking shows, you ended up doing significant amounts of mail. In the early 90s, it was primarily my brother who would spend entire Saturdays "doing mail." I did my fair amount of writing, mostly trading death metal videos with other weirdos like Pat from Hellwitch. Doing mail on Saturday, meant going through the envelopes and packages that had arrived all week, and fulfilling orders, answering letters and the like. Out of the suburban basement that we shared at our parents house, we ran what I guess you could call a label, and a distro, as well as a video 'zine, a band, and several awful side projects. We also began to book shows at some point, and did a weekly radio for nearly a decade. These were mostly my brother's projects, in which I played a secondary role. All these projects combined meant a substantial amount of mail was constantly pouring in, filled with all kinds of demos for trade, free shirts, and the occasional box of free CD's and 7" records from Wild Rags (as a result of me being in what today would be referred to as their street team.)

I would often find myself on Saturdays dubbing hours and hours worth of concert footage in order to trade a video with some dude in Ecuador, or Greece. My video list was extensive, and had a few choice pieces that were consistently requested by all kinds of people who sent me their video lists on an almost weekly basis.

When people say that a certain musical scene felt more tightly knit at an earlier time, I usually cringe...but in retrospect it may have been true. We didn't know any of the people we wrote to, so perhaps "tight" is not the right way to put it, but the sheer amount of time and effort that you had to invest into any project always ended up consuming a substantial amount of your days. In case you're wondering, all of our efforts (however awful they were) mostly revolved around the underground death metal and the noise/grindcore scenes of the day. Few, if any, of these bands had any vinyl out, and certainly no CDs. The only acceptable format was cassette. In the case of noise bands, all the official releases were dubbed onto TDK 60 minute tapes, along with cheap, photocopied covers.

See, like any real metal fans back then, we concentrated our efforts primarily around unsigned bands whose demos we would get in the mail. Along with the demos, flier trading was common and popular. As such, we would often send individuals as many as a hundred fliers for our radio show, which they would then send out in each package and letter they sent out to other people all over the world. It was this way that bands from Turkey and Sweden would end up sending us their records and tapes so they could be played in a station they would never hear. If anyone was heavily into trading back then, you'll probably remember that the band Phantasm easily had the most fliers in circulation. Those guys must have all worked at Kinkos or something.

It was in this climate that my brother and I would often befriend (if only by mail) members of bands that we loved, such as Impetigo. I'm not sure how the correspondence with Impetigo began, perhaps my brother can clarify, but I'm sure it was something like us buying their VHS video through the mail, or them sending us music to be played on the radio show. Either way, Mark from Impetigo's letters and packages became a fixture in our mailbox. I distinctly remember him being the first person I knew who asked for his stamps back whenever you wrote him. At first, I didn't understand why he would want his stamps back, but quickly realized that he was coating them with a thin film of Elmer's glue or soap, making the ink of the post office's rubber stamp come off with water, thus making them usable once again. My brother and I quickly adapted the trick ourselves, making our budget for stamps and postage suddenly become much lower. As a result of this latest trick, our small basement bathroom sink was usually filled with water, in which stamps were left to soak in order to be reused. I distinctly remember our hand towel (which hung under our Order From Chaos poster) being used for endless rows of stamps that were left to dry by the sink.

It was in one of these exchanges of mail with Mark from Impetigo that he sent the picture to my brother.

The picture hung above my brother's desk for many years, the desk where he would sit for hours on Saturday mornings and afternoons to "do mail."