Thursday, April 30, 2009

Anvil! The Story of Anvil :: A Movie Review


Before I even start with this review, let me say that the only Anvil song I know is "Metal on Metal" and up until last night, I thought it was by Raven. That's how off my radar these Canadian fuckheads were. Let me also say that this morning I downloaded their first 3 albums and they are actually pretty fucking rad. In a cheesy Canadian 80's metal band kinda way.

I've never written a movie review before, so I'm not sure what I'm doing here. Let me just say that if you like MI, you're gonna LOVE "Anvil!". The peeps that made it basically read MI and thought: "Shit, let's make a fucking movie! We'll find a has been band that never was and make fun of them like they do on that blog!" Well, gents, you've succeeded! 

I laughed, I cried (from laughing), and laughed again (mostly at the ridiculous Canadian accents). This documentary starts with an "Anvil primer", if you will. A short introduction to who Anvil were. Then they start to lay it on THICK. Too thick, actually. Scott Ian, Fuckhead Lars, Lemmy, Slash, Johnny Zazula and even Tom Araya go on to lie about how amazing Anvil were. It must look really convincing, but to those of us who know better, it's all a bunch of horseshit. Anvil sucked and were NOT this super influential band without whom Slayer, Metallica, Anthrax and GnR would exist. That's just not true. Tygers of Pan Tang had more to do with 80's metal than Anvil, for fucks sake! I know the film makers had to make these guys seem interesting somehow, but give me a break! Playing guitar using a dildo does not make you a musical genius, it makes you a balding, aging sad, sad Canadian. If people really knew how lame a band they were, this movie would never had gotten the budget to be made and I would have spent last night alone, at home working on my yoga and watching reruns of House MD. Instead, I went to see this awesome movie and got some action afterwards. Looking at it from that perspective, I'm glad these dbags got their funding!

Anyway, after all the hype and bullshit,  we meet Robb Reiner (of course no relation to Rob Reiner, writer of "This is Spinal Tap"... it's just a weird, odd, weird, weird coincidence), and Lips, founders of Anvil. Their lives are obviously sad and pathetic. They remind me of the dude in The Wrestler. From that moment on I laughed for an hour straight. These clowns are SO FUCKING sad and pathetic that everything that comes out of their Canadian mouths is funny as shit. Add the accents and you have pure 100% 28K comedy gold. My stomach was hurting. I thought an usher would come and kick me out.

So they talk about how big they could have been and how their lives suck now, but  they catch a break and get to go on a pathetic European tour. This thing was booked by this ugly-ass broad who is totally incompetent and play in front of bartenders and tens of fans all over the old continent. At some fest in Sweden they get to meet all these "Metal celebrities" and not ONE of them know who the fuck they are. It's a non-stop laugh-a-thon! It's so well edited, they look like total chumps! 
Besides a drummer, Robb figures himself an 'artist'. Some of his work is actually not THAT bad, but he has a painting of a turd on a toilet that basically sums up Anvil's career. 
The movie ends with a show they play in Japan and like 10.000 people are there, so you'll leave the theater feeling all warm and cozy. The part they don't stress is that they were playing first on the bill. FIRST! 11:30am! The worst spot ever on a bill. The only reason people are there is because Japanese people are anally punctual and if the flyer says the show starts at 11am, they'll be there. But not to watch Anvil. They'll be there to watch the 10 other bands AFTER Anvil.

Japanese crowds are easily pleased. I know from experience. It's easy to convince these people that you are a legend. Do you know how much Japanese tail I've gotten by telling ladies I'm a BMX legend from Brazil who is touring Japan for Haro?

Some will tell you how "touching" Robb and Lip's friendship is. They'll say the movie is about their relationship that is almost like a brotherhood. They'll insist the movie triumphs because of their perseverance, love and dedication to the band or whatever... Take it from me, it's not!
There's nothing "touching" about these people. They are just sad, pathetic and HILARIOUS! I can't stress enough how pathetic and therefore funny this movie is. You HAVE to go see it and get some Anvil's music. If you like that raw almost thrashy metal from the 80's, these guys are pretty bad-ass.



Little did I know that after the credits rolled and the house lights came on, my night was just starting to get good. I was still wiping tears off my eyes when I saw a short, ugly girl get up two rows in front of us. "Eeew!" I thought, "she looks like a tiny troll!" Then it dawned on me: Ronnie James Motherfucking Dio was in the theater with me! Fuck yeah! I wonder what he thought of the movie. I wonder if he could even see the screen over the heads of the people sitting in front of them. I wonder if he realizes how short and ugly he is.

After that, my lady friend (best know by the acronym HSWG - "Hot Star Wars Girl") took me back to her place and did things to me. I wanna thank her for dragging me all the way down to The Angelika to watch this movie and for the sexual pleasures she blessed me with later on... What a night. What a fucking night!!

26 comments:

  1. I'm going to go and see this movie based on your recommendations and if I don't get any action afterward there will be a stiff letter of complaint to the MI Staff.

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  2. alex, if you live in the NYC area, i'll give you HSWG's #. she said she wanted to see it again!

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  3. I saw Anvil live in 2005...they basically sucked. Exciter played before them, and they suck too, but they smoked Anvil on that festival.
    But they were often mentioned as an influence by kickass thrash and death metal bands, back in the day, they even appear in the thanklist of a Death LP and defined "a godly inspiration"...

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  4. i had no idea that movie would get such distribution. i work down the street from the angelika and just noticed the sign this morning. i might be inclined to see it if they allowed ballantines in the theater.

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  5. Hilarious review...
    You know what's funny ??? I'm Canadaian, and I'm sure the whole Hoser-Loser term surely applies to these guys. Their music does suck pretty bad...I'm in my mid-30's, and I never listened to their garbage...

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  6. See, I can't spell either...
    CANADIAN, I mean...lol

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  7. Skull,
    good post. glad to have to back in the mix. keep it up...or should i say up the irons?

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  8. man, when this movie opened in pontiac, michigan, anvil played directly afterwards. i can only imagine how stupid that shit was.

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  9. Dude, that movie is playing DIRECTLY ACCROSS THE STREET FROM MY HOUSE IN sf at this little indie theater this saturday, followed by AN ACTUAL LIVE PERFORMANCE BY ANVIL!!!
    I'M SO THERE!!! Actually, I'm not that familiar with the band either, but the songs "Bullshit" and "Fast Driver" are pretty kick-ass...

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  10. I'll probably have to wait until it hits DVD 'cause I live in a lame city, but I'm eagerly anticipating the chance to watch this gem...

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  11. I tried to think of some Anvil songs, but all the ones I could remember are really Exciter songs. Why couldn't they make a movie about Exciter?

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  12. Shelby's having afterhours?

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  13. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  14. saw it in st. louis...good flick and good dudes. welcome back skullkrusher, but fuck off with this shit post.

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  15. I like 'Forged in Fire', with a little cringing though.

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  16. excellent Tygers of Pan Tang reference.

    I have been talking about this flick with friends. I get all annoyed because Anvil are pretty crappo, and they refuse to hear it. "But they influenced metallica!" Ok, go listen to them and then come talk to me.

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  17. Oh! I forgot to mention that this played at the Brooklyn Academy of Music theater a few months ago, also followed by a live performance! I can only imagine what that was like. A bunch of greasy poor canadians playing crappy almost-thrash in front of a bunch of rich fort greene douchebags pretending to enjoy it and feeling down with youth culture, not realizing that there is nothing youthful at all about what they were witnessing.

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  18. First off, ANVIL rules. Yeah I don't listen to 'em that much, and I usually skip 'em when they pop up randomly on my ipod, but when I'm in the mood for ANVIL there's nothing better... nothing! "School Love" is one of the greatest songs of all time, and Rob Reiner is an absolute mofo behind the kit. I've seen ANVIL live numerous times, including a show with roughly 5 people in attendance, and they killed it every time. I get it, it's sad to still be sloughing it out after all these years, but are any of us doing anything better with our lives... didn't think so.

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  19. wow, how could your wife leave you given that you exude such charm and wit?

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  20. I don't know what's wrong with Anvil fans, the sad truth is that they do suck, and their 'influence' on other bands was probably minute compared to other bands from the NWOBHM etc, hell even Triumph and Rush shook their heads as their country's status plunged into the crapper with Anvil. They had nil genuine talent and all their songs sound like they were written by 9 year olds... yet I always saw their album "Metal on Metal" in every record store in N.Y. and even down in Colombia in the 80s. Never bothered listening to them though, I always had a gut instinct about album art and band names... I'm gifted like that. It's kind of sad that the only Metal Documentaries that really get alot of publicity are the ones making fun of the metal genre. If this movie makes more than Sam Dunn's well crafted and respectful documentaries then I'm just gonna snuff it! Good post Skull!

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  21. Zer. Kids, you are so smart, so creative, so brave ! So much better than Anvil ! Thanks for the eye-opener, I thought I was an Anvil fan but obviously I was wrong.

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  22. I watched the guys with sympathy, which I think they deserve.

    Guess I'm not the kind of guy who thinks putting other people down is something to make myself any cooler ..

    Funny blog though, keep on being a dick!

    ;-)

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  23. You're a fuckhead, Canadian is not an insult you fat lazy ass uncultured typical American. Typical of one of your kind to put down in such a disrespectful manner. Get your turd off the fucking internet.

    Canada= cooler accents, jobs, free medicare, culture

    America= Fat, lazy, big mouthed, redeneck, stupid, accents, Hot Dog Hamburger microwave burrito culture,
    Shittier bands like Poison

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  24. Anvil rules, the movie is touching and inspiring. just saw anvil live and they ripped it up. and canadian metal is awesome piledriver, exciter, anvil, sword, witchkiller, razor etc etc amercian metal has great bands too not all of them are like poison, check out armored saint, the rods, riot, dio, overkill, testament etc etc.. IF YOU DONT LIKE ANVIL YOU ARE A POSER!!!!!!

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  25. Interesting post . Like this lot and great thanks .

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