Back In The Day: memories of what I thought the future would hold for me

As a young kid who grew up being into metal, I always assumed that I would one day grow up to be a metal stud. I would be the rad dude with the long hair and all the ladies. At the time, I thought my lameness and lack of popularity with the ladies came about strictly as a result of my young age (and not because of my annoying personality, my looks, lack of style, or because of my overuse of Brut cologne). Back then, I would sit around and daydream about one day being surrounded by cool metal guys and hot metal ladies. If you saw what I looked like back then, you would understand why I spent hours dreaming about the future. I don't exaggerate much when I tell you that I pretty much looked and acted like the kid in the videos below. Just picture this kid, but without braces*, and talking about Slayer and Maiden instead of video games and movies.






Sadly, sometime in the early 90s, the rug got pulled from under me. Metal as I knew it began to die, or at least slowly decay. To make matters worse, as I grew older, I finally realized that full-fledged adult metalheads are often huge losers who play W.O.W. all day, and seldom leave the house. The dream of metal ladies never fully materialized in my life. What a total bummer. I never got to have a sweet girlfriend with metal-moma jeans and a Bolt Thrower shirt. Ehh, what can you do. You can't win them all. No big deal, but I also soon realized that most girls in metal (no offense to any female readers we may have) are fat tubs of goo (most men are also, to be fair.) It's for that reason that women like Jo Bench from Bolt Thrower got so much attention...for merely looking semi-human.

Could those pants get any higher? I think not. Looks like she's rocking a full 16 inch zipper.

So, from time to time, I still think about the life I dreamt about as a kid. I still wonder what would have happened had all my metal dreams come true. Thanks to the advancements in computer imaging technology, a new program exists which helps create fairly accurate depictions of a person's childhood dreams. The software is called "Dream Maker 3000", and the license for the program (as well as the proprietary hardware) is setting Metal Inquisition back a good bit.

The Dream Maker 3000, humming along in Metal Inquisition's headquarters.

Due to the state of the current economy we are trying to be responsible with our budget, but once I saw what the software was capable of, I simply had to buy it (a big "thank you" is in order to our administrative assistant Edith for getting the purchase order processed quickly). This advanced piece of technology is capable of creating fairly accurate depictions of my childhood dreams, but I should point out that the program is not finalized (currently still in beta form), and thus it makes the individuals portrayed look a bit less metal than they were in my dreams (no bullet belts, Sodom shirts etc.) Having said that, I welcome you to what my life would be like today, had the 12 year old me had his way.


See the guy with the mustache and the striped pants who is second from the right? That would have been me. Don't be fooled by my quiet demeanor in this picture...I would have been a killer with the ladies, and with a pool cue.


Perhaps this picture is a bit too glam, but still...you can't make fun of those hot ladies. "Too hot to stop"? I think so!


If there's two things I always thought I'd have as an adult, they would have to be a skull and a chain hanging out of my pocket. I'm sad to report I don't have either. I'm such a failure.



That would have been me, furthest to the right. Still growing out my hair and headbanging all night long. What the clueless guy with the black sleeveless shirt doesn't know is that I'm banging his feather earring-wearing girlfriend. Boo-yaaaah.



Please excuse the tucked in shirt. Again, the program is only in a beta stage at this point.. Having said that, most of the remaining parts of the image are accurate. Anvil shirt as a semi-adult? Oh yes. I think that if the young version of me found out that I no longer find Anvil to be relevant...that version of me would be PISSED.





Here we see another picture of the imaginary me. Okay, so this picture shows lame short hair...but the two ladies certainly make up for it. You can make fun of my hair, and my non-metal clothes...but you can't make fun of tha' bitches. Look at how high the girl on the right is wearing her Metal-Mamma Jeans. Nothing says "sexy" like a 16" zipper. Who's the guy in the yellow shirt lurking in the background? John Joseph, duh.


Another possible version of me that I dreamt about. Although the picture depicts a fairly young person, the dreams I'm talking about were had when I was about 12. As such, this is certainnly consistent with what I hoped would occur in the future. I always thought I'd be in a sweet band where spikes, chains and Slayer shirts were required. Today, I mostly worry about very-non metal things.....like what color to paint my living room.



Okay, this image was a mistake. The software malfunctions from time to time. I swear it, I never wanted to be an amateur pole dancer.




This would have been me...sporting some fresh plumage, tight jeans, and a bandana belt. My lady friend would have liked me so much, she'd agree to wear matching shirts, and go to L'Amours on a daily basis. The girl would have been way metal, but would have also enjoyed the more sensitive side of metal. What does that mean? It means she liked "Fade To Black".



What about our readers? If the 12 year old version of you saw what you looked like...would he/she be let down? Are you very metal today, or (like me) a mere shell of your former metal self. Do you have a very un-metal job or house? Does your significant other like or even understand metal? Please share!

(Metal Inquisition readers should know that I'm an international metal journalist. Why? Because this post was submitted from an international airport in South America right before a flight. If you are reading this in an airport somewhere, look around you. I may be the guy sitting next to you right now. I'm the guy with the laptop and handheld devices, the one by the duty free shop.

*I would also like to note that although I did not have braces as a kid, I do now. I got them last night. Ugh.)

Scene archetypes: People who annoy me

You can say what you want about us here at Metal Inquisition. You can call us assholes, posers, old, whatever- and you'd probably be right. But don't ever say that we don't love you, because we do. We are here to help, like true friends. One of the toughest parts about being a friend is telling your friends when they are being a retard. It's tough, but you have to! With that in mind, we are willing to bet that the majority of you guys are retards, and the best thing we can do for you is to help you identify it so you can start to correct your problem. Admitting it is the first step. This is far from a comprehensive list of all the annoying d-bags in the scene, but it should get you started.

"I love Jesu!!"

The Beardo/Relapse Dork
Let's start with an easy target. You know this guy... he says shit like "Dude I just got the new Gridlink 11" EP on 180 gram colored vinyl, it's a Japan-only, hand-numbered limited edition of 1. They haven't even written it yet, but I have it. It's amazing!!"* Please note how much they love to call things "amazing." It's a good example of how the defining characteristic of the Beardo is that they are way too fucking enthusiastic about the dumb shit they are into and won't shut up about it because they are socially awkward dorks who have no ability to detect your complete lack of interest in their nerdy bullshit (such as obscure black metal).

Also, you can be a Beardo without actually having a beard, although of course that makes you even more of an asshole if you do have one. The beard is merely a symbol that you have no ability to understand how the world sees you, because if you did you would throw yourself on a sword in shame before you had time to get out the trimmer.

Psyopus: Do they have a noise side-project?? If not, that's the only thing that could make them bigger Relapse Dorks.

Then there is the Beardo's kissing cousin, the Relapse Dork. The differences are subtle, with the main one being that the Relapse Dork is like half Wanker, half Beardo. Rather than beating off to pictures of obscure Hydra Head releases like Beardos, they follow Brutal Truth around on tour, collecting Dan Lilker's pubes that fall off onto the rims of the urinals in venue restrooms and saving them in plastic baggies so they can brag about it on the Relapse board while they gush about the Human Remains demo.

* I stole the "they haven't even written it yet, but I have it" line from Lifesucksdie #3

I was trying to find a more original picture than Mosh Girl, but, well, it pretty much says it all. See how grossed out everybody is when girls try to act like boys??

The Tuff Girl
She's so different from all the other girls!! She's just like one of the guys!! She's up front at all the shows moshing her, uh, balls off! Don't treat her like a girl or she will punch you in the face because she's tuff! See, she has a Terror shirt and brass knuckle necklace to prove it! You can also tell from her chest piece and surly, unfriendly demeanor. I knew a girl like this back in the day. I went to like Taco Bell or something with her, and was about to sit down when she told me, "Wait let's sit over there, I don't like sitting with my back to the door." I laughed and said, "Who the fuck are you, Billy The Kid?!" Anyway, these girls suck because they are like the worst of both worlds: all the annoying parts about dudes in the mannish body of an ugly girl.

If you want to show all the boys that you like punk, this is a much better option than trying to be tuff. Just smile and hold my coat while I dance.

Look, I get it... girls can listen to metal and hardcore too. Nothing wrong with that. I hung out with this 22 year-old girl last week who was listening to Old Man's Child while she drove me around in her Acura (this really happened). But ladies, you really don't have to try as hard as Tuff Girl if all you want is male approval because your daddy didn't love you enough. Just stand around looking cute and giggling demurely at my jokes, that's all I ask of you.

He looks so happy, willfully ignorant that Fear Factory ever released an album after Demanufacture

Mr. Old School
You could rightly accuse some of us here at Metal Inquisition of being Mr. Old School- probably everybody except me, since I mostly listen to Forever The Sickest Kids, not metal. To Mr. Old School, they stopped making good metal records somewhere between 1992 and 1994 and anything else is trendy garbage and/or simply flew under their radar.

For example, I told Lucho a few years ago that "Don't Care" was one of the best Obituary songs. "Hmm, I don't think I know that one," he said. I told him it was from "World Demise" and he said "Oh, well I never heard their newer albums," and I was like "Dude that shit came out in like '94." You see how frustrating it is to deal with Mr. Old School?? It's like talking to your grandparents who think Eisenhower is still president and ask you who is going to be on Johnny Carson tonight. As far as Lucho is concerned, metal died when they stopped publishing The Wild Rag... my friend, the world keeps turning.

I'll be honest, this photo has nothing to do with Mr. Old School... but wtf? Why so serious?

Mr. Old School isn't really annoying, just disappointing. He just stopped trying. And I get that: at some point music isn't really the center of your life anymore, especially metal. But Mr. Old School is like the dude who gets married, then instantly gets fat and never wears anything but sweat pants. Sure, he can let down his hair a bit because who does have to impress, but his wife is like "This isn't the guy I married!" and walks out on his ass. I'll never walk out on Lucho, but I do wish he would buy jeans from H&M or Forever 21 instead of the Gap and Old Navy (that's not a joke, it's seriously where he gets his jeans). He could probably wear size 4 girl jeans without too many problems.

Thanks to ironic hipsters, these kids look like they should be in a band that's opening for Atreyu

The Dinosaur Rocker
Did you know there are people in the 2K9 that actually listen to Manowar, Iron Maiden, Saxon, Keel, and other shit that I am pretty sure Confederate soldiers jammed on the way to do battle in the civil war?? It's true, they are called Dinosaur Rockers. An even more decrepit and out of touch version of Mr. Old School, they are frozen in time like so many denim-vested insects in amber. Like the doddering fossils that shamble through the halls of nursing homes, waiting to die, Dinosaur Rockers have no idea where they are or what's happening around them. I can't even laugh at them, all I can do is shake my head in pity, hoping that the lord will call their souls home soon.

You don't have to be old to be a Dinosaur Rocker, just boring and weird

Look, I don't expect everybody to be into Winds of Plague or whatever else is trendy at the moment (although to be fair they are some 2K8.5 shit so already kind of played out), but I seriously don't understand how anybody can non-ironically listen to Bathory, Venom, Accept or whatever. I'm sure those bands were great in 1982 because everything else was wretched at the time, but that shit sounds so lame when you listen to it today. Dinosaur metal sucks!! It's so boring and slow, it sounds like something my mom would listen to. I can just imagine her coming home from the mall, Van Morrisson/Loudness split 7" in hand. New Yorkment said it best on their MySpace:

NO PUSSY ASSED OLDSCHOOL BULLSHIT!! FUCK OLD METAL IRON MAIDEN N MOTERHEAD IS UNBRUTAL SHITTY DINOSAUR METAL!!!!!

Wankers: the only people dumb enough to be in a band because they actually like music, not to get laid

The Wanker
Remember in the 90s when ska got popular, and every annoying redhead that played trombone in jazz band all of a sudden got to be in a "cool" band? Yeah me too. Well, The Wanker is what happens when that kid discovers metal, and it's just as irritating as ska was. Actually it's worse because at least Evan from Mindrot played in Save Ferris so there was at least one cool person in that scene. (Can anyone confirm the rumor that his license plate said MINDROT back then?)

Ugh, look how seriously this jerk takes his music. Die in a fire already.

The Wanker takes everything really seriously, probably because they all suffer from mild Asperger's Syndrome. For example they are the humorless turds that hate all my posts on here because I don't write 9,000 words about how Corner and Mekong Delta are the best bands to ever exist, or a fucking tutorial on how to play Spastic Ink songs on your Chapman Stick. They rival Ani DeFranco fans in their ability to ruin a good time by taking offense at absolutely anything and everything that touches their incredibly thin skin- especially if you praise a band that isn't intellectual enough for their refined sensibilities!!

Speaking of things I would destroy if I had access to the Nocturnus time machine...

But I can't blame them. I'd probably be pissed at the world too if I spent all my time holed up in my room, painstakingly transcribing Behold the Arcoptus songs, only taking my clammy hands off the neck of my guitar long enough to eat a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and see if I won a piece of Sean Reinert's used toilet paper on eBay. I'd be angry if I threw away thousands of hours of my life on playing music only to realize that I wasn't ever going to get laid by playing technical deathcore. In fact it's worse than that: remember in the original Batman movie when he is getting attacked by a shark, but spritzes it with a little Bat Shark Repellent and it runs away instantly? That's what playing mathcore is like, only to hot girls. It's like vagina repellent. They can tell that you'd rather fuck your guitar than them, and that your balls smell bad.

I found this image with that caption already added. I love the internet!

Add your own in the comments!!
I fully realize this only scratches the surface when it comes to describing all the different kinds of annoying people in the scene. It's late and I'm out of funny lines, but I especially wanted to make fun of deathcore kids. Please help, it shouldn't be that challenging!

Tom Araya officiall hits the wall. Wall reports severe pain as a result of being hit so hard, is left whimpering.

Good god, just look at Tom. Mary mother of jesus and baby jesus...this guy is old. I applaud him for embracing his old age by growing a crazy Jesus beard....but for god's sake, could he please embrace his old age on his own time, and in the privacy of his own home? Look, I know we're all headed in that direction (fat and old) but to rub it in our faces is a bit rough. Remember when members of Slayer looked like this:



and not like this:

It's this kind of pushing that will give you severe hemorrhoids. Ten dollars go out to anyone who can find his neck.

Is anyone else reminded of a bundle of white sage when they look at Kerry King's stupid beard thing? White sage is this crap that hippies burn at yoga studios. I'm glad that Kerry is getting in touch with his spiritual side via eastern philosophy. By the way, white sage looks like this:



But back to that old picture of Mr. King. Minus the belly shirt, that picture would lead you to believe that he was actually an alright guy back then (even if he was playing with Megadeth at the time). The second picture, I must admit, makes me want to sharpen my machete and start swinging. Now, I know what your saying "hey dude...how can you say that the first picture of Kerry is cool, belly shirts aren't cool!" Well, you are partially right. I mean, belly shirts are NOT cool, but they ARE metal. How can I prove it? By showing you a second picture of an important metal figure (at least to some) rocking a fantastic belly shirt. Enjoy.

Oooh lah lah...so sexy, all that's missing is a nice belly chain

Sheesh, for all the complaining that black metal dorks did back in the day about Anthrax ruining metal with their "shorts and skateboards", these guys surely dressed like they were ready for a day at the beach. What's that I see in the background...Pungent Stench? Godflesh...wow, nothing but the most obscure black metal for this beach bum. Surf's up! Also, look at his awful facial hair. He said he was super evil, but he was clearly influenced by Mexico's comedic actor Cantinflas. Cantinflas was pretty much the opposite of evil. Judge for yourself.




One last Slayer note. I'm sorry to post this again, but it never ever gets old. At least not to me.




Still want more? Okay. How about a depressing video of Slayer covering "Born To Be Wild". The song is terrible, but the video is of some interest because it's about the only time that Tom's bass has ever been heard. Listen to his pointless clanging about :25 into the video.