Monday, January 19, 2009

What will they think of next?

I am sometimes hesitant to include much information about my private life here at Metal Inquisition. Why? Because I feel that my opinion as an authority in all things metal could be harmed should the masses know more about me, and how I roll. You may have heard that this is one of the key criticisms about The Economist that many people have. Most articles are not credited in that magazine, so no one knows who wrote them. Similarly, for all you know, I may live in a trailer park and drive a Delorean.


I could also be a fatty, emo, gangsta', goth, gender neutral thing...you never know.


So, against my better judgment I will now let you into my private life. I will now tell you something about myself, and here it is: I own a dog. My dog is a fantastic part of my life, and I love her very much. I usually behave rather idiotically when I'm around her, and some people probably get embarrassed and cringe when they see how I talk to her. Now that you have a clearer picture as to just how big of douchebag I am, I can share this new line of products that recently surfaced on the interweb. I can also tell you that even though I'm an asshole, and I like my dog way too much...I still think this is an idiotic line of products...and anyone who buys these deserves a long, painful death. What am I talking about? Garmutt, metal clothing for dogs of course!




The company is owned by one of the guys from Dillinger Escape Plan, apparently. Good for him, I guess he's trying to come up with some sort of back up plan for his failed musical gravy train, but this project will fail also. How can it not? I'm probably one of about eight people on earth who is a total idiot about their dog AND likes Metallica (kinda'), and I'm not willing to buy this crap...that means that a grand total of seven people worldwide are left as potential customers.



Look at that dog's face, that's how I looked after having heard the newest Metallica album too.


On a similar note, there's also metal clothing for kids and babies now. Why? Think back to when you were a kid, would you have liked it if your parents made you wear ABBA, Rod Stewart or Engelbert Humperdinck clothing? Personally, I would have hated it, and rightfully so. That was their musical taste, not mine. Why on earth do metal individuals think its any different for them now that they're parents or pet owners? Your dog may hate Metallica (he/she probably does actually), and your kid probably hates them also. You know how you hated it when your mom made you dress up, and take off your Maiden shirt back in the day? I know I did. Every metal kid I knew back then swore up and down that they would never become the opressor. Now we're all older, and look what's happening. Damn it all to hell.



Okay I get it, you're a hip, cool dad and you feel that you want to dress your kid accordingly. You're way different from the lame suburban dads with Volvo and Subaru station wagons. You're not a yuppie who drinks Starbucks coffee ans shops at REI. Well good for you, but here's a thought...it's a baby, not a godamn doll for you to dress up you stupid asshole. Babies should dress like babies, for the same reason that as adults we don't dress as babies, and for the same reason that a 5 year old girl in high heels would look creepy and depressing. Stop pushing your beliefs, particularly your musical beliefs onto poor defenseless creatures. As if the horrors of Abu Ghraib and Guantamo weren't enough, now Americans have found a new way to distinguish themselves by acting like jerkoffs in a whole new way.

To all of our readers who are lucky enough to live outside the U.S., I hope you don't have this type of stupidity going in in your countries. If you don't, however, I must warn you. Brace yourself, because it's coming. Just like Baywatch, other places around the world will first write it off as a lowbrow American invention with no value...and then every country will buy into it. If anyone thinks I'm going overboard, and that this is just clothing for babies and dogs, you're wrong. Think of me as the first person that spoke out when the holocaust began. Now who feels like an asshole? Not me.

19 comments:

  1. The worst is when you see emo parents and their kids have no say in how they look,they are just the victims of their fucking retarded parents lame ass music taste.I want to steal babies from the parents when I see toddlers in a mohawk or in punk baby clothes!

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  2. This wont work in europe at least not britain i could see a market
    on the continent once they start rolling out dio and manowar options.

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  3. There is an advert in the one of the latest Terrorizer Magazines for just this kind of baby wear. I think it´s akin to Child abuse. No it´s worse. Most kids react against their parent´s music choice. I know I did and I expect my kids will grow up to love Jazz.

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  4. I own a mutt, which is part German shepherd, chow, and collie, so she's too big for Garmutt. However, my parents own a shih-tzu, so she'd look absolutely adorable in a Darkthrone "Transilvanian Hunger" Garmutt.

    I'm a dog lover, too. I remember when OJ was let free after stabbing to death his wife and her lover, I said, "meh". Yet, when I heard the ruling for Mike Vick, I was upset that he wasn't getting the death penalty. Only in America, I suppose.

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  5. zachary, I'm with you. I'm ashamed to be with you...but I'm with you.

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  6. Well put! Even though I love metal and still at my age (35) continue to listen to death metal, I'm a father and would never push my interests on my child. He's got a right to grow up and listen to shitty music if he wants to. That won't exempt him from the endless ranking he'll receive when he's a teenager, mind you. I can only hope he chooses something that has no affiliation with gay, modern trends. At that point, shame might be the only thing that could keep him on the right track. As long as my son can justify WHY he likes a certain gay form of music, it's fine by me.

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  7. WTF with the Fernando Botero tag?? XD

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  8. "the most Colombian of Colombian artists"

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  9. Have arguement with your kid who desides on long car drive. Will it be the music on your iPod (or should should I say those tapes all over the floor of the passager side of your car) or your kid's choice of whatever crap Disney is pushing. If you have a heart you know who will win.

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  10. Fernando Botero label is one I use instead of the "fat" label for comedic purposes. perhaps it's not that funny.

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  11. Stuff like this exists here as well since a while, "here" meaning Germany.

    http://www.speedy-promotion.com/images/product_images/info_images/2309_0.jpg

    ("Satansbraten" (something like "brat" i guess on pseudo-VENOM Shirts in babies' sizes)

    As well as other "funny" designs

    http://www.speedy-promotion.com/images/product_images/info_images/2137_0.jpg

    http://www.speedy-promotion.com/images/product_images/info_images/2139_0.jpg

    But i can not remember seeing any dogs with funny metal shirts over here.

    Btw, great blog!

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  12. What's up with the header redesign? Looks like the same graphic (and decidedly un-metal) color palette VH1 Classic uses for their Metal Mania show.

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  13. My 5 year-old has a Motorhead kiddo shirt and that's all because he liked Mötörhead and AC/DC, he knows how to rock n fucking roll. I don't dress metal myself anyway.

    I will of course not kill him when he turns 15 and decides to sell my CARCASS and DEATH lps to buy some hash and fucking R'n'B CD. Or should I ?

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  14. When my son was born I swore I'd never force my musical opinions on him in t-shirt form. O.K., we got two 6m sized shirts (Ramones and David Bowie's "Low"?!?)as gifts and he did look mighty cute in 'em, but they're long gone.
    I'm pretty sure he won't even like music when he get's older...here's hoping, anyway!

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  15. First off, it would be totally awesome if my parents put me in an Engelbert Humperdinck shirt because he rules.

    Second, he sang a song on the Beavis and Butthead Do America soundtrack called "Lesbian Seagull." Fact: that one song is better than the entire recorded output of Dying Fetus.

    Thirdly, I've always thought Danzig and Engelbert should have a "swarthy-guys-with-ridiculous-sideburns-who-sing-in-a-powerful-baritone-about-sex-off." The winner could get a hair transplant.

    Do you see what happens when you bring up Engelbert Humperdinck? Now I'm going to have to go fucking listen to him. Christ. It's like cutting a hemophiliac with me.

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  16. Well, I can definately understand the argument about dressing up your dog in such a rediculous attire. But if you think about it, clothing picked out for your baby to reflect your own musical prefference or lifestyle has been around for god knows how long. It's sort of along the lines of parents having their kids wearing shirts that say "Jesus loves me." being socially acceptable. However, the minute you take your kid around in a stroller through the mall wearing a shirt saying "Cuter than Baby Jesus." people are naturally gonna freak out, and you're labeled as a horrible parent because it strays from the vast majorities beliefs...
    These shirts for babies really do exist by the way. www.tshirthell.com

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  17. have noticed lots of ads for kiddie metal shirts lately as well. this is so fucking ridiculous. it shows what has become of the once rebellious metal generations: wife, kids, 9-5 jobs, mortgage for the house. short hair, metal on the weekends only (for old times sake). don´t the idiots that buy shit like that know that kids always rebel against their parents? in that case, kids that had to wear this kind of shirts are sure to get into hip hop or rn´b shit once they turn 14.

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  18. I think band t-shirts for babies are a great idea, if your baby's a fucking poseur.

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